[whitelightning]

mandolyn - i think he has been pushing me in a good way, it's just that he's sick and tired of doing so without seeing any results. i know i've changed, but i understand it's not conveyed to those around me. last night we had another heated discussion and he stressed once again that he's "done". it's like, every time i think i'm making progress, every time i take one baby step, it's not good enough. he hates it when i use terms like "good" and "bad", but i don't understand how else to express what i'm feeling. he wants to know why i can't just be light-hearted. i simply don't have an answer.

maddy - although it's good for therapists to set their limits, i don't think she should have told you so explicitly that she can't deal with another sexual abuse case. there must have been a way for her to tell you without being so crass.

[maddy29]

stargazer-it wasn't really like that-i mean i'd have total respect for a therapist who knew their limits-but first of all-when i was a therapist-almost all of my clients had been sexually abused. that's just life. i can't pick and choose like that, i know it's different in a private practice. Also, i wasn't in the crisis stage, it wasn't like she was going to have to see me through years of work. she was just so clearly scared of working with me, and thought that i'd add like, triple the amount of work to her caseload, etc. AND, she was a horrible therapist-she had NO clue about sexual abuse at all. I saw her twice and realized it was a total waste of time and money. i know what you are saying, but that was totally not the case in this situation.

[mandolyn]

(((whitelightning))) maybe he's pushing you in a good way then? and listen, easily-overwhelmed is my middle-name. the one thing they'll stress to you in therapy is babysteps. (cliche, i know, but it's true & it works.) and focusing on easily-attained goals. maybe one goal a week. can you try something like that maybe? you'd be suprised at the sense of accomplishment - even for something seemingly minor to the outside world - it can make you feel like superwoman.

(((stargazer))) you're my inspiration, doll.

[whitelightning]

re: ...

"the western philosophy of asking for help equating with dependency."

thanks for stressing that, stargazer. we don't live in a culture that promotes community, and it's easy to think that we're a burden on people. even in here i'll catch myself saying "sorry to unload on you all, but..." - but that's what we're all here for, right? it's even ok to vent once in a while. it's frustrating to think of ourselves as having to be these tidy little human packages, with all our emotions compartmentalized into neat stacks.

thanks again for support. in all fairness to my boyfriend, i will say that he has been 100% supportive of me for the time we've been together. i think he just has absolutely no inkling as to how depression truly paralyzes people. we're so different - he's hyperlogical and rational (but sentimental, too...) and deals with his emotions accordingly. i am often irrational and reactive, sometimes giving off no signals until i blow my top. and then i'm a wreck and need therapy. he's just tired of me not dealing with the same 5 huge problems in my life (mostly, family issues) - he thinks i'm not addressing the cause. i don't know what to do...i can't speed up any of this because - wouldn't you know it - i'm having a tetral catastrophe.

[stargazer]

i haven't posted in here for awhile, but i've been lurking.

i can't remember who had the therapist who only took a certain number of sexual abuse clients. i think it is a sign of a good therapist when the therapist is able to recognize their limits and wanting to make him/herself emotionally available to their clients. not wanting to take on more than a certain number of sexual abuse clients is good self care. i know it doesn't feel that way on your end. but, the therapist is showing a good example of not taking on more than he/she can chew.

mukky~welcome to the lounge!! please make sure to stop in the newbie thread to introduce yourself to the other busties. exercise does help move endorphins in your body, which help decrease depression and improve self esteem. but, you should not rely on just exercise. also, i think everyone needs to get the western philosophy of asking for help equating with dependency. it is ok to ask for help. it is ok to get counseling. it is ok to get medication. why torment yourself when some of these tools can help you?? ask any questions you may have here.

puss~i agree with luci and GT. visit the sex threads. i also agree with the sex play without a goal. in fact, i think everyone should use the same approach to getting well from depression. don't be so hard on yourself to be feeling well by a certain time. everyone is different. the easier and more gentle you are with yourself, then i'm sure you will start seeing the results you want.

(((luci & mom))) i'm so sorry she's ill. so frustrating. please let us know how she's doing.

(((GT))) sorry about the blues. you are not a fraud. you are accepted here and have very knowledgable and helpful advice and opinions. what music can you listen to to make you smile?? or, at least, to make me smile!

(((whitelightning)) man, that just feels like alot of pressure.

(((candycane & mom))) i hope you are doing well.

(((mando))) well, you always get hugs from me!! you have done so much for yourself. give yourself some props. and i know you want to just wallow. BUT, you haven't (well, with a little time, here and there, but that's ok) gone back. you are moving forward. keep remembering how good you feel now!

(((everyone)))

[mandolyn]

"... raised to believe that you should just deal with all your feelings and problems yourself and not burden other people ..." " ...i don't want to depend on someone else to make me feel better, but i'm having a hard time figuring out how to do it myself...i definitely don't judge anybody for taking meds, but i'd rather not go that way ..."

mukky, i totally get both of those sentiments. tis why i shunned therapy/meds for so long. and now that i'm in it for the long haul, well, sometimes i still think it's a crock of shit and there's nothing wrong with me that a little exercise and a funny book can't fix.

but i'm slowly beginning to see that, if you constantly keep pushing stuff down, it'll resurface, some way, some time, in some weirdass alien form. in my case, it's panic attacks. while i'm freaking DRIVING, no less. started completely out of left field, last october. and even tho i haven't had one in a few weeks, it's the "hovering", that one could happen any minute, that's fraying every last nerve.

try not to see it as depending on someone else to make you feel better. a very wise bustie told me "therapy is like taking a class in yourself." that analogy is completely working for me. and so many lightbulbs are going off, and i'm taking stuff home to ponder, and it's all pretty good. but i just wish the meds would kick in and help tone down the anticipatory anxiety.

(((whitelightning))) it's good that you and your man can discuss this, but i do wish he was more supportive, ie: helping you get to a therapist instead of leaving you to flounder around on your own. i don't mean to sound judgmental, i don't know him or your situation ... but i do know you don't dump on someone when they're down at the bottom of the well.

(((pugs))) i admire your fortitude with your promise. but i agree with maybe considering dropping the class. it doesn't sound like it's worth the added stress.

re exercise: my yoga dvd's are helping me more than i can say (i'm a recent convert). i feel my body getting stronger. my knees don't hurt anymore. and i've used the breathing and focus techniques to help stave off panic attacks. i'm feeling really blue today, but i'm going to pop in a dvd and then force myself onto the exercise bike for at least 20 minutes ... and i know i'll feel alot better afterwards.

but, you know, what i REALLY want to do is wallow.

[whitelightning]

also, this time of year is so drab (as was just discussed a few days ago on here). we're not gearing up for any extreme weather like summer or winter...most of us are dealing with the overcast and damp, dreary days. i personally loathe this time of year. it's neither here nor there. kind of like 'taint' (i've been watching a hell of a lot of mr. show lately).

last night was unbearable, and it sort of carried over today. my boyfriend brought up some serious stuff and i totally cracked. we were up til 4am hashing stuff out and he reminded me (without placing pressure) that we decided to continue our relationship on the premise that i would be seeking therapy. which i still have yet to do, because i don't have health insurance. before that, he was bringing up $ issues and telling me "we" need to figure out how "i" am going to bring in more $$ and how he's feeling overwhelmed with me going to school and supporting the both of us (i work in the food industry on-call, so i don't bring in a whole lot but it's perfect for while i'm in school). i understand his perspective, but...it's too overwhelming. school, financial problems, feeling like my chest is caving in, etc.

switching gears here...at the risk of sounding totally cruel, i was staring at people in class today and thinking, 'what the fuck are you doing? who do you think you're kidding?'. there are these super annoying women who sit in front of me and i just had this major discomfort the entire class. they're so into being students, it's laughable. they've got their laptops and hordes of highlighters (which - i think - have been proven to not help people remember anything at all) and pretty little pens and notebooks. why should i let myself get distracted by people like that? must have been my lack of sleep.

mukky, sometimes doing simple stretching can really work wonders. i do one stretch in particular that energizes me. it's a yoga thing...squat down and let your forehead touch your knees. then sort of hold the back of your heels and try to keep the insides of your elbows touching the backs of your knees. and *slowly* lift your hips up and try to straighten your legs, while keeping the insides of your elbows against the back of your knees. you'll feel the stretch pretty soon - i've never been able to get my legs totally straight. when you feel like you're done, release your arms and very slowly come up one vertebrae at a time, with your head being last. does that make sense? or did i just tell you how to puncture your lung...

lovemypugs - if it's making you miserable, just drop the class. sometimes the instructor just won't work out with how you learn or just isn't very good. in either case, you're not getting your money's worth, nor are you wisely spending your time, intellect and energy. i can understand why you don't want to tell them you're dropping it. but it doesn't make you a loser if you do end up dropping it - it means you're aware of what you're doing and participating in your learning.

[mukky]

thanks whitelightning, perfect analogy for me...i LOVE tetris!!

but i see what you mean...we expect everything to fit into this easily-resolvable pattern in our lives...a problem arises, deal with it, move on to the next. it's the tv sitcom sydrome...things don't always wrap up in the half-hour slot before something new is thrown your way.

and honestly, i don't even have any real earth-shattering problems to deal with...which is why i think there's something chemical going on in my brain that makes me feel the way i do.

and yeah, the excuses are pretty abundant when it comes to exercising...maybe something like what you're doing (tai chi or yoga or something) would be good for me. focus and self-discipline in addition to a good workout sounds like a good combination...

i think you're right, candycane...exercise gets the blood and GOOD chemicals flowing!!

[candycane_girl]

welcome mukky. I think that exercise definitely helps. Which is why I should drag myself out to the gym. I haven't lately because I just..I don't know, I feel like staying inside most of the time. But I know that I do feel better after exercising, maybe it just has something to do with moving around and getting the blood flowing.

[LoveMyPugs]

whitelightning -

I loved your Tetris analogy. My drafting class is making me so overwhelmed. I can't drop it because I promised my parents and Mr. Pug that I'd get through one semester without dropping a class. Meanwhile, while I'm working slowly at my drawings all the rest of the assignments are just piling up. It's so frustrating. I just keep skipping the class and trying to work at my own pace because the instructor is infuriating. I don't know what to do. It's making me so angry and feeling like such a loser. I know I'm not but I can't keep the feelings and thoughts out of my head. I'm going to go home and try to keep working. I might do some housework first cause it helps me unwind. It’s very monotonous so I can zone out during laundry, dishes and dusting. Plus I get a lot accomplished.

((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))

[whitelightning]

mukky, i'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed...sometimes it's too much. the best way i can describe it is through a tetris analogy. you've got all your little blocks that you need to stack; most of the time, we can arrange them to make a complete line that neatly disappears. then, we get a block that just doesn't seem to fit quite as neatly as the others and then the next thing you know, we're stacked to the brim and it all collapses.


exercise does wonders for me, but the *thought* of exercising always keeps me from doing it. e.g., i don't have the right sneakers, i can't afford a gym, i don't know where to go, i hate running, etc... but i've been taking a tai chi class this term and i've found it to be very helpful. in the beginning, i was so frustrated because i just wasn't getting it. i hated feeling lost in it and i would flap my arms to the side and huff and feel sorry for myself. like i'm such a loser or something. but, i kept at it and i feel that it's teaching me focus and persistence. and i feel more flexible, which is nice.

[mukky]

hi ladies,

i'm new here, but this forum has been so helpful so far...just to know that others are feeling the same things i am.

i know the feeling of wanting to dodge plans (even with good friends) because you're totally anxiety-ridden about going out and having to interact with people...sometimes i get so bummed out that my social cirlce never seems to grow, but i know it's my own fault. i simply don't understand how some people can just pick up a phone and call anybody without completely freaking out about it...i try to avoid the phone as much as possible. even email freaks me out sometimes....what's wrong with me??

i've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but i've had some clues that i may have it...sometimes it's just a feeling of total paralyzation. like i can't drag myself off the couch and do any of the creative things that make my life worthwhile...i feel overwhelmed by life in general.

and mr. mukky is great most of the time, but he was raised to believe that you should just deal with all your feelings and problems yourself and not burden other people...so there's that mountain of guilt when i try to talk to him about how i'm feeling monumentally bummed out (which seems to be pretty often lately).

i don't want to depend on someone else to make me feel better, but i'm having a hard time figuring out how to do it myself...i definitely don't judge anybody for taking meds, but i'd rather not go that way (sexual side effects are daunting).

has anybody found that exercise has significantly improved their mental state?

[mandolyn]

yemaya, thanks for the info on The Mental Health Parity Act of 2007. as someone with sucky mental health insurance (but at least i have something, believe me, i am thankful), i would like to know more about this, and follow it. i'm just livid that our mental health insurance is completely seperate from our medical coverage. i'm waiting for them to come after me at some point for getting anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds from my GP.

girltrouble, i'd say that's a major "accomplishment", that you're getting the winter blues so late in the year. (altho i'm sorry you're getting them at all.) for the last few winters, on the recommendation of a bustie (who's name escapes me), i've used SAM-e with varying but basically helpful results. i get wicked SAD every october. it usually starts lifting in february, when you can tell there's more sunlight in the day. i didn't take SAM-e this year tho, due to the new meds.

puss, i'm sorry i can't offer any advice, other than, maybe you're trying too hard? i'd go with what everyone else said, especially not making the ultimate goal an orgasm. it's a big plus that your partner is so supportive and understanding.

so far, the zoloft hasn't adversely affected my libido, but i just upped my dosage, so we shall see.

luci, what an awful (but typical - grrrr!) experience. i hope you're mom's ok, and that she goes to her doc for a full workup, and that it's nothing serious.

[lawnpigeon]

It'd be the Cymbalta, Puss. Wellbutrin is actually known to often increase sexual function/reverse the effects of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (okay, well Cymbalta is actually an serotonin norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, but it's inhibiting serotonin reuptake, so, you know) on sexual function. I mean, it doesn't always, but doctors sometimes will prescribe a bit of Wellbutrin to counteract the effect SSRI that's also being taken.
I was on Cipramil/Celexa for three+ years (an SSRI) and have been off it for one year and still can't orgasm and sexual feelings just aren't as nearly intense as they were before I started taking it. Apparently things may take years to right themselves, or they may never. Yay. (There are various sites I could point to you for in formation on this, but Wikipedia is usually a good place to start -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_SSRI_Sexual_Dysfunction)
I have no advice except to get off the Cymbalta. Can you just be on the Wellbutrin? Have you discussed any of this with your doctor? I understand the sexual side effects are depressing in themselves. Maybe try taking Ginkgo Biloba as well, that can help with increasing blood flow and making climaxing easier in many people. And hey, it's also good for the memory!

[puss in boots]

((((((((((candy))))))))))
((((((((((luci))))))))))
(((((((((puss)))))))

puss: i can't speak to your medication, but i do know adding liquor might not be the best idea.

but one thing that might help is non-goal oriented sex. ie, orgasm not being the point of sex play between you and your boy. making it more about sensation, and making each other feel good. i think sometimes if you think you are "high maintenance" sex wise, sometimes that tension is an orgasm inhibitor. knowing that you are playing with no expectation of orgasm often allows you to be more in touch with your body.

Thanks for your post. I wish that I had more to say to help you. I can relate to winter blues, but I've never been a boy, however, I am a woman who sometimes doesn't feel all that feminine. I give you a lot of credit, for recognizing that your depression isn't as bad as it has been. Way to go!

i would suggest posting something in one of the sex threads, like luci said. i don't think people mind talking about how their meds effect them sexually, i think sexually you'll find better answers there.
today i was riding the bus home and i realized i was getting my usual winter blues. on one hand it was super good, cos usually i get it from late summer to mid spring. but here it is mid feb and i got my first bad case of depression. that's pretty good right?

i just forgot how bad it got. granted, it's gotten so much better over time. back when i was a boy, i was banging my fists against my head, and for a few years after transition i would have uncontrolable rocking, crying fits where my bones would ache from living. luckily, it's much lighter/ different but now it's just kind of... a deep, deep, deep hopelessness with really depressing realizations/thoughts.

like: usually i pass. people take me as a woman, after all, my voice is spot on, and other than my height i'm told that i am feminine, attractive, even though i still have to have some hair removed in my goatee/beard area. but all the same somedays, when the depression hits, i just feel so fraudulent-- like a fake woman, but see, here is the fucked up ironic thing-- i felt the same way when i was a boy-- i felt like i was working so hard to be a fake man. ugh. just feels like i can't win, and that's when i start spiralling down....i've also noticed that i haven't been eating. which is always a battle for me. not that i want to be skinnier, i've worked pretty hard the last 2-3 years to gain weight, only to have lost most of it in the last month.

[girltrouble]

((((((((((candy))))))))))
((((((((((luci))))))))))
(((((((((puss)))))))

puss: i can't speak to your medication, but i do know adding liquor might not be the best idea.

but one thing that might help is non-goal oriented sex. ie, orgasm not being the point of sex play between you and your boy. making it more about sensation, and making each other feel good. i think sometimes if you think you are "high maintenance" sex wise, sometimes that tension is an orgasm inhibitor. knowing that you are playing with no expectation of orgasm often allows you to be more in touch with your body.

i would suggest posting something in one of the sex threads, like luci said. i don't think people mind talking about how their meds effect them sexually, i think sexually you'll find better answers there.







today i was riding the bus home and i realized i was getting my usual winter blues. on one hand it was super good, cos usually i get it from late summer to mid spring. but here it is mid feb and i got my first bad case of depression. that's pretty good right?

i just forgot how bad it got. granted, it's gotten so much better over time. back when i was a boy, i was banging my fists against my head, and for a few years after transition i would have uncontrolable rocking, crying fits where my bones would ache from living. luckily, it's much lighter/ different but now it's just kind of... a deep, deep, deep hopelessness with really depressing realizations/thoughts.

like: usually i pass. people take me as a woman, after all, my voice is spot on, and other than my height i'm told that i am feminine, attractive, even though i still have to have some hair removed in my goatee/beard area. but all the same somedays, when the depression hits, i just feel so fraudulent-- like a fake woman, but see, here is the fucked up ironic thing-- i felt the same way when i was a boy-- i felt like i was working so hard to be a fake man. ugh. just feels like i can't win, and that's when i start spiralling down....i've also noticed that i haven't been eating. which is always a battle for me. not that i want to be skinnier, i've worked pretty hard the last 2-3 years to gain weight, only to have lost most of it in the last month.

[lucizoe]

Hi there puss in boots! Sorry that it's been so crappy for you. I really don't have that much advice to give you, but if you go to the sex threads, you might find something that will help. I wouldn't try to force it so much, myself.

Hope you make some progress!

(((candycane))) I'm sorry you've been so down, and especially about your mom.

My mom fainted in class the other day and had to go to the emergency room to make sure she wasn't having a heart attack. She sat in the ER for 7 hours, then they kept her overnight, and didn't feed her ANYTHING for fourteen fucking hours (everyone else got breakfast, but they just skipped over her. 'Cause you know, if someone is fainting and has low blood pressure, the best thing to do is to deprive them of food) and she eventually had to tell THEM what tests they were supposed to run because they fucked up so badly. If it hadn't been for my father using his teacher yell at the nurses - yeah, then they paid attention, when the fucking man said something - she'd probably have just walked the fuck out.

I'm pissed off at the thought of my mom in that situation and it's sort of coloring my mood right now. That and our old friend returning, and the fact that people will engage it. Just put the damn thing on ignore and stop acknowledging its existence.

Blah.

[puss in boots]

Hi there,

I'm new to the lounge, and hope that you all won't mind if I attempt to change the subject. I am on anti-depressants and I have such a low libido, and so much difficulty with sex. I have a new boyfriend and he's great, and we've only had sex a couple of times since our first time the end of Dec.. I have chronic Lyme Disease so my overall health isn't the best, but dang! A girl's gotta have a little fun. I feel like I've tried everything. Oral L-Arginine, OTC herbal libido formulas from the health food store, Yohimbe, Emerita's blend, topical gels- the Emerita collection- stimulant, warming, parben free, all natural lubes, all sorts of vibrators, 2 or 3 different boyfriends over the years, a vibrating cock ring is the latest. I've tried a few different antidepressants, but I'm not at a point where I can go off of them. I'm on Cymbalta and Wellbutrin. My boyfriend is a sweetheart and has been so kind and understanding, but, I'm just so high maintainance when it comes to sex. I need all the stars to be aligned and then maybe just maybe I can achieve an okay orgasm (by myself or with him)

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm ready to have some fun, and I'm pissed that there aren't a lot of options for women.

sincerely,

My anitdepressants have depressed the joy of sex


P.S-

The things that I have found that help when combined:

a glass of red wine
lots of time to prepare clear my head (do things that make me feel good about myself and my body- exercise, shower, mentally prepare-clear my head)
Less talking, more of a rhythm
Take our time!
Feeling like my partner is excited to be with me, touching, kissing, playing
Direct clitioral stimulation/girl on top

[candycane_girl]

I am having a crappy day. Well, not entirely crappy. It just seems like it's good then bad then good then bad. I'm upset because one of my closest friends is moving to another city to start his internship on Monday. I know that I'll be there in a month and a half but still, it just seems weird that he's leaving already.

My mom's in the hospital and even though she's doing alright it was really upsetting to see her today, throwing up and barely wanting to speak. She had an operation and she just kept saying that she was really tired and wanted to go back to sleep.

And the last thing is my weight. I have gained about two pounds in one week and I haven't been eating anything different. I am sooo frustrated!

[yemaya]

Understood about Pap smears in your teenage years. But that was never explained to me. Its only years later that I realize. My stepmother brought me there specifically because her own daughter, three years my junior was diagnosed with Herpes (she got it because she was promiscuous even though she had a steady boyfriend (and yes I am aware you can’t get Herpes from being simply promiscuous)) so she automatically assumed, even though I was very shy and asocial that I must be doing the same thing.

Nothing was explained to me. The doctor did not ask me any questions about my sexual activity or gynological health or periods, or whatever. Nothing. And at the time I was living in a Western state with hardly any Black people. The only people he’s probably treated were SAHM’s and military brats. I graduated from a high school class of 300-400 in which I was the only Black person, so it wasn’t like he was treating an inner city population in which that assumption, however presumptuous, could possibly be valid. Again the Doctor Knew he was wrong because he must have seen the blood, the grimace and called sounding a little panicky and scared. He did not speak to my father or my step-father. Again I didn’t realize all of this until many years later.


Mental Health Parity

I originally saw the discussion on CSpan. It was live when I viewed it which was last month. Congressional Discussion on Mental Health and Addiction Equity http://www.cspan.org/VideoArchives.asp?Cat...=100&Page=5 Here are some links...it may already be in video archives so you can actually hear the committee and advocates speak on this important issue…Maybe you can view it better than I can. It is rather difficult to google information about the bill, but I am not sure if the average American knows, cares, or is aware of this issue. Again this goes back to the conversation of stigma and how some law makers are trying to put measures in place to lessen the onus.

http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=B77...80C09397AA58913

http://www.nmha.org/go/parity/states


But yeah..it may be months/years before anything happens.