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> Are we functional yet? The return of the family problems thread.
anarch
post Feb 7 2011, 11:59 PM
Post #1


Hardcore BUSTie
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Wonderful news, foryoursplendor.
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Synergy
post Feb 3 2011, 07:49 AM
Post #2


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From: europe


Good to hear foryoursplendor!

I'm very happy for you!


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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

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stargazer
post Feb 3 2011, 07:20 AM
Post #3


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Yay foryoursplendor and your brother! smile.gif

(((foryoursplendor)))


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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Persiflager
post Feb 3 2011, 01:06 AM
Post #4


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From: Babylon


That's GREAT, foryoursplendor!


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Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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foryoursplendor
post Feb 2 2011, 08:53 PM
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Synergy, my parents have never been active parts of our lives, and have some pretty severe issues that they haven't dealt with healthily (sexual abuse, drug abuse, fear of authority, etc), and their problems spill into our lives on top of our own problems.

The good news is, is that we had lunch today. He was unusually upbeat, and actually left his girlfriend at home to come out with me. (I invited her, but she was too shy to come along). He was more talkative than he usually is, and he was excited to tell me that he stopped smoking weed and stopped drinking. He told me the entire story of what happened with his hand getting cut up, his broken nose and he realised the danger he'd put himself in and told me about how he doesn't want to ever be in a situation like it again.

Before I went, I had a huge amount of anxiety and was trying to think of ways to tell him how much I worry about him, how much I love him and would feel responsible if anything really terrible ever happened to him, tell him not to drink any more! I was astounded that I didn't even have to open my mouth and he just spilled all this out to me. I'm utterly relieved.

I invited he and his girlfriend, and our youngest brother over to my new apartment to go swimming and they seem pretty excited. I'm looking forward to it.
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Synergy
post Jan 31 2011, 10:11 AM
Post #6


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From: europe


Foryoursplendor; what is it that you want to make up for? You say you work with teens in a worse position than your brother, wich gives me the idea that he does stupid things like all teenagers do and not like the really deranged ones.
I worked with teens myself for a few jears; the really fucked up ones. The general thing that i noticed was that teens need boundaries and stability. They need to know what they can get from a person. The kids i used to work with knew exactly what they could and could not do and cursed me for it because i said no a lot of the times. In general they accepted me but didn't really like me because i didn't bend the rules a lot. But when they left, they made it clear that they appreciated me being very straightforward with them.
I'm probably not telling you anything new. All i wan't to say is, be straight to your brother even though it might be a little harsh sometimes. He will know that you are for real and knows what he can and can't expect from you.
This is very in general ofcourse.

So again: what is it you want to make up for? And how do you plan on making up for something someone else did?

Squirrel, can you give some more details? Do you live in the same area as your parents? Are you the first in your family with this issue (no brothers/sisters?).
My parents are religious too, but not too strict. When i moved in with a bf long time ago they thought of it as if i was married. It's too long of a story because it's not only religion related. It ended in not speaking to them for about a year. Then slowly the contact got better and now it is like before. My parents don't put religion above the choises i made as their child. They give me the freedom to make my own choises. How is that in your family?


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If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

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Persiflager
post Jan 27 2011, 03:56 PM
Post #7


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From: Babylon


(((foryoursplendor))) He's lucky to have you as a sister.

Squirrel, do you live with your parents or on your own? And when will you know that you're definitely moving in together? I wouldn't broach the subject until I absolutely had to.


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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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foryoursplendor
post Jan 27 2011, 07:16 AM
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My 16 year old brother got his hand cut up so badly that he had to have emergency surgery. He also got a broken nose. His older friends buy him alcohol, and he goes completely out of control. Surprisingly, he wants to have lunch with me and I'm really happy, but nervous about it. I have been working with teens for years, teens in much worse situations, but he's my brother so that makes it a million times harder. I want to fix everything that our parents did to us.
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squirrelgirl88
post Jan 24 2011, 10:20 AM
Post #9


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A wee bit of backstory before the real issue: I am the child of very religious parents. I am not. Tale as old as time. I have a serious boyfriend who I will most likely be moving in with in less than six months.

Issue: I have not told my parents this and I have no idea how to broach this subject with them. Any stories/suggestions from BUSTies out there? I'm struggling to figure out how to do this!!! sad.gif
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nbdx0645
post Jan 21 2011, 08:20 PM
Post #10


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You're not projecting at all, delibelly. I'm actually glad you brought this and your personal experiences up. My family has a real issue with material crap (for a lack of a better word.) They love to consume and show affection through gifting and buying. I'm the total opposite; I'm a total cheap-ass. We have issues because our values are completely different (they can drop hundreds of dollars on baseball cards and I wince when I pay over $20 for a pair of jeans.)

And you're absolutely right that she wasn't able to take credit out in her name. Her interest rate would have been astronomical. I'd say her addiction is not substance-related, but it's affection-related. She uses goods to keep her friends in her life. I try to tell her that she doesn't need to always pay for drinks at the bar, or get really elaborate Christmas presents...but she feels that she has little else to offer. She finds herself physically unattractive, too emotionally sensitive, and not wickedly intelligent. The only thing she identifies with is her generosity and selflessness toward others.

Financially, I've made it incredibly difficult for her to steal from me again. I have a credit freeze for 6 months and a credit alert for 90 days. Both of which I can renew. I still find my understanding-ness hard to swallow. I do feel like I wasn't hard enough on them. I called her up on the phone and said, "If you ever do this again, ever, I will injunct this case with any following and you will go to jail." I got an "ohkay" like there was some neutral zone over her head, which angered me, which my family later justified by saying "your sister doesn't like conflict so that's why she's so shy."

Conflict is unavoidable when you steal an identity. Needless to say, there is some resentment, but it's because her values and mine did not sync up on this issue at all. It's like they thought they were Robin Hood, but the analogy breaks down when you realize that I'm not a crooked politician, I'm family.
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delibelly
post Jan 20 2011, 08:23 AM
Post #11


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I hope I'm not projecting, and certainly hope that the worst is behind and you're on your way to healing the rift, but I'm reading a subtext here that makes me cynical.

To begin with I suspect that she took out the line of credit in your name because she couldn't get one in her own..why? Because the bank recognised she could not make payments based on her current income? Because her credit is already shot to hell? Because she is already in debt up to her ears?

You mentioned that she is always making new purchases, you mentioned your father's gambling issues. Does she have an addiction, maybe? I'm thinking back to my own experiences with my best friend and her addiction (to drugs, when I was about your age) and how it completely changed someone I had once trusted. How she stole from people she loved, from stores, from her work, to feed her addiction.

I guess that I worry that if she is at a place that she will steal from you, and if she has any access to other people's money through her work, that it is only a matter of time...Anyway, I sure hope that this has been a wake up call to her. That same friend I mentioned is ten years clean now, so there is hope. I think you have been very understanding. More so than I would be. I would have pressed charges. I just wanted to suggest that you have done all the right things to protect yourself financially, but that I hope you take steps to protect yourself emotionally as well. If she is not genuinely contrite, if she is still making excuses or negating it's importance, I would keep my distance.
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stargazer
post Jan 19 2011, 06:39 PM
Post #12


brown delicious
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QUOTE(nbdx0645 @ Jan 18 2011, 10:04 PM) *
I just feel a lot of guilt by asking for all of the money immediately. Also, I feel guilty because receiving the money made most of the anger and resentment go away. I'm torn, because the big issue should have been about the breach of trust and not the money.


You are correct that the real issue with your sister is the breach of trust. At the same time, your sister had no guilt/remorse in taking your credit and money for herself. The word "sorry" can be empty in itself after a while. I wish your sister would've been as considerate of you as you are with her.

(((nbdx)))


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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Persiflager
post Jan 19 2011, 01:40 AM
Post #13


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From: Babylon


Well done, nbdx! That sounds like a good resolution. I wonder if on some level your sister is relieved?

Don't feel guilty - if you hadn't asked for all the money now, you would have resented your sister for years while she was paying it back.

(((nbdx)))


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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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nbdx0645
post Jan 18 2011, 10:04 PM
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Thanks Stargazer, I agree. "Cautiously optimistic" is a really good phrase. I just feel a lot of guilt by asking for all of the money immediately. Also, I feel guilty because receiving the money made most of the anger and resentment go away. I'm torn, because the big issue should have been about the breach of trust and not the money.
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stargazer
post Jan 18 2011, 08:00 PM
Post #15


brown delicious
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(((nbdx))) I'm just catching up to your conflict with your family. FWIW, I think you did the right thing. It sounds like you were trying to not be punitive. Don't forget that you can still press charges if you want. I would be cautiously optimistic about things going smoothly with your sister. If there is anything I've learned from relatives who took advantage of my parents' kindness, give 'em an inch and they will run a mile with it. You might want to set some boundaries for yourself.

Please vent in here if you need to work out the emotional aspect. I'm sorry to hear your family took advantage of you. That's upsetting to read. sad.gif

((((nbdx)))


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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nbdx0645
post Jan 18 2011, 07:01 PM
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It's been a crazy week...but I think that I got things straightened out with my family. I did a credit freeze (it will be active for 6 months) and I did what one of Anarch's posters did: I reported the crime but did not press charges. I ended up getting the money owed from my father, and my father is going to be the collector. My sister and her husband will make payments to him (who is much scarier than I.) My father realized that I needed financial resolution immediately. I wasn't handling it very well.

I ended up seeing them this last weekend for my niece's birthday party. It ended up going rather well. It was incredibly awkward at first, but I focused on the kids.

I don't know if I really made the right decision, I still wonder if I should have pressed charges, but this is the only free pass they're getting. I don't think they'll be able to do it again because I'm going to protect myself. Now that the financial shit is out of the way, I'll start working on the emotional aspect. They showed signs of wanting to patch up the rift between us. I'm optimistic.
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anarch
post Jan 12 2011, 01:38 AM
Post #17


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(((nbdx0645)))

QUOTE(nbdx0645 @ Jan 11 2011, 07:16 PM) *
I can't press charges because my sister's banking career would be completely derailed.


Her career *should* be derailed for committing identity theft (which fucks over your credit rating, which will mean you'll have to pay more $$ for a car loan or mortgage etc). If shitty behaviour like that incurs no consequences, what's to stop her from doing it to you again? Absolutely nothing. If family pressure to protect sister's career is a factor, that's understandable, and also wrong and fucked up of them to expect it of you.

There was a similar question involving credit card fraud at ask metafilter. Answers I personally like: 1 2 3 4 5

6 (from a credit card fraud specialist)

update from the original asker


Different thread, same problem: 1

Sorry they're about credit card fraud not loan fraud, but hopefully some of the info in there can help you protect yourself.
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Persiflager
post Jan 12 2011, 01:09 AM
Post #18


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nbdx0645, I agree with polly - I think that you need to seriously consider pressing charges.

There are three steps that you should take before that:

1) Speak to the loan company (if you haven't already), get a statement, and change the security on the account so that she can't access it.

2) Send her a formal letter setting out the facts of the situation (exact amount, dates etc) and requesting full settlement of the loan within 30 days. Tell her that in the light of her continued failure to repay the money despite repeated requests, you will be taking her to court if you don't receive the money by the deadline.

This might be enough to scare her into repaying the money now. If she can't pay it all up front, insist on some money now and an agreed payment plan over the next six months. If she says that they can't afford it, insist on sitting down with her and their financial statements, and go through their monthly budget to agree an amount that can be paid back each month as a monthly transfer (I'd suggest straight after pay-day).

3) Put together a file of all the information you would need to press charges. Start with the date you found out about the loan, then document the correspondence you have had with your sister so far. When you've put down everything you can think of, research the steps you would need to take to start pressing charges. Does the loan company have a fraud department? Do you have any identity fraud protection from your bank? They might be able to help you. Also check your local government website.

Having this information gives you power, and it will be easier to assemble now while you're still thinking of it as a hypothetical option. Remember, your sister could have afforded to pay the money off before, but she prioritised other things over paying you back. She has shown no consideration for your financial situation, or your credit rating (which could impact your career in the future). If you don't do anything about it, she will take out other loans in the future.

And I'm so sorry (((nbdx0645))). Please let me know if I can help.


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pollystyrene
post Jan 11 2011, 10:25 PM
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Yikes, nbdx0645, that's scary. You've probably done it before, but can you give her a deadline based on when the loan company wants their money, and just say, "this needs to be paid in full by this date or I will be pressing charges?" Even if she has to sell her stuff on eBay, she needs to pay you back all that money (or at least what's still owed, if getting the full amount is unrealistic.)

That's horrible. I think you should press charges. I know you don't want to derail her career, but her being in that industry and doing that makes it soooo much worse- she knows exactly what she did and how much damage she has done to you and your credit record as a result. I don't know the whole situation, but if she did this to you (presumably it was that much easier because you do your banking where she works), if things get desperate for her in the future, what if she did it to someone else? I don't know...maybe that career needs to be derailed.

And you need to put a security watch on your credit report if you haven't already!


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You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
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nbdx0645
post Jan 11 2011, 09:16 PM
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Hi everyone,
I'm having a really difficult time with my family. Long story short, in October 2009, my sister took out a high-interest loan in my name without my permission, and she was unable to pay it back. She told me what she did in the summer of 2010. I was completely devastated, especially since she was a personal banker. I was scared beyond belief, because I also banked at her place of work. I switched banks shortly after that and my dad was kind enough to step forward and pay the balance.

Or so we thought. I received a call on Friday from the high-interest loan company, saying that I owed more money. I started crying on the phone immediately, because I knew that she lied about getting the bill payed off. I asked her repeatedly over the months, "Is the loan taken care of? Is it paid off completely?" and she said yes, each time. It hurts so much.

I'm so tired of being lied to. I feel like I haven't been taken seriously when I tell her that I'm going to press charges if it ever happens again. It makes me sick to my stomach when I see all the frivolous bullshit that they buy (if I see one more Blackhawk's jersey I'm going to lose it) and I'm tired of them hiding behind their children, saying things like, "We took out that loan to buy the children dolls for Christmas." Really? And then I see a new laptop, new desktop computer and new video games in their home. And a dog. Thanks for your honesty.

My father said he would pay me for the money, but he has such a terrible gambling issues that his words are unreliable. It also doesn't feel like it should be his burden to bear. I don't think that there is anything I can do, I'm just tired of paying for their financial sins. I'm tired of feeling used, I'm tired of these issues resurfacing, and I'm depressed that I'm out the money, because it's a lot of money. I can't press charges because my sister's banking career would be completely derailed.
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