[angie_21]

Whatever you decide to do AP, good luck. You have every right to want what was left to you, and it is horrible for your aunt to have stolen things from you at such a difficult time. I would call to ask for legal advice to help make a decision.

Candy, my brother is the same way, only he's just 21. He isn't quite as bad (he at least pays my parents rent, even if he otherwise completely takes advantage of them and demands the sun and the moon from them on a daily basis) I hope he will grow out of it, but it sure is frustrating. I know a lot of girls who have brothers like this, I'm starting to think there must be something that causes it. I know one common factor is video games. God, he'll talk about video games as if they're real life, and think that everyone else wants to hear about it!

[auralpoison]

There was no will. This all should have been cleared up a year ago, but without the appropriate paperwork, blahblahblah, probate, blahblahblah, etc it just finally wrapped up. I haven't been able to access *anything*, the only reason my aunt could access the box is that my mother put her on it so she could access it if anything happened. We went through it in a pretty cursory manner months ago when we were still in shock. The bank had to have made her a key as I have them both, which is her right, I suppose. She just didn't have any right to take *every* other thing else.

Like I said, I'm inclined just to let them keep it so I don't have to fuck with them, but I have this niggling suspicion that they have something that I should have because they'll try to use it against me in the future.

CC_G, my but what a lazy, ungrateful pill your brother sounds like!

[candycane_girl]

AP, forgive me if I didn't read your previous posts thoroughly enough but did your mom's will say anything about the contents of the deposit box? And why is it that you couldn't access the box without her but she could do it without you? Either way, the whole situation sucks. *hugs*

I just came back to the big city after being home for about 5 days. I was thisclose to writing a huge ranting letter in the letters thread about my brother. He is almost 29, still lives at home, pays absolutely no room and board, comes in at all hours (sometimes as late as 7am!!), barely helps out with housework and spends all his free time either hanging out with friends or playing Halo 3.

Both of my parents at this point just say "we give up on him". If my parents said that about me I would be so depressed I would do everything in my power to show them my worth. Big brother on the other hand, just keeps rolling along doing whatever he wants.

Last Saturday my dad said, "Can one of you please vacuum the living room and foyer?" I asked my brother to do it since I was already taking care of other chores. He was like, yeah yeah, and went back downstairs to play Halo. I asked him a few more times and got the same response. Finally about 7 hours later he vacuumed. It drives me crazy! He'll do it but he takes his sweet fucking time getting around to it.

And there's just so much stupidity in what he does. Like, he'll sit around all day in his pajamas and not shower until half an hour before he has to leave for work. And then he is inevitably late and speeds off to work and complains about people driving too slow (only going 10km over the limit).

The last time I was down I asked him to take me to see Terminator 4. When we left I figured "okay, we'll get there right on time." Wrong. He suddenly turns to go over to the bank first and then also stops at Canadian Tire to pay his credit card bill. Then it started raining and he was driving like a madman and speeding down the highway. By the time I made it into the movie, despite the 15 minutes of previews, the opening credits were already rolling. Where is the common sense?!

There's more but I fear that if I keep typing I will explode.

[angie_21]

Well, like I said she was on the account. I wasn't living here when the acct was set up & my mom wasn't all that tight with her bf yet, so my auntie it was. Technically she didn't steal in the legal sense, I couldn't access the box without her until everything got wrapped up.

Ooh I see now. damn. Lawyers will give free legal advice if you call their office (at least they are required by to law do it in Canada, anyways) maybe you can find out if there is a way for it to legally be considered theft, or to at least force them to give you access to the documents since the account was in your name. I know you probably don't want to have to deal with it at all, but it might be an option.

[kittenb]

Hmph, the worst thing about family like that is how much you're willing to give up just to not have to deal with them.

Goodness does that statement just wrap up almost everything this thread is about.

AP - that sucks. Did the aunt have any legal right to get into the box or did the bank totally screw up?
Anna - One nice thing about my family is that none of them can criticise me for not being clean enough. However, one time my best friend's father visited and the first thing the dad did was bleach the entire kitchen. He then threw the bleach towels into the laundry with Jason's regular towels thus destroying the whole load.
Souldancer - that is awsome.

{{{designermedusa, ccg}}}

[auralpoison]

Well, like I said she was on the account. I wasn't living here when the acct was set up & my mom wasn't all that tight with her bf yet, so my auntie it was. Technically she didn't steal in the legal sense, I couldn't access the box without her until everything got wrapped up. But in the, "Hey, that's not really yours to take because it's technically mine" sense she did. Just because she had access to it, didn't make it hers. Her family has already tried to steal from me once before, the only reason they didn't succeed is that I make more money than they do & could actually afford a decent lawyer.

[girl_logic]

oh my god AP that is horrible. I agree with Angie..

[stargazer]

(((AP))) Ugh. I'm so sorry dude.

[angie_21]

Souldancer, you are awesome for saying that. I hate those nasty pieces of shit who aren't any better than the rest of humanity yet piss on other people, like women or poor people or fat people or people of different races. And I hate having to accept my dad's assiness because he will never change. Or that no matter much therapy my sister has been through, she can still be a self-involved, narrow-minded, immature bitch at age 28.

ugh. My boyfriend doesn't like visiting my family becuase my brother is very similar. It's really frustrating, because we visit his family all the time and I love them to death, but when it comes to my family, we we see them less than half as often because its just too much work being around my brother. It's so weird, he dominates the conversation and does the same thing, trumpeting his opinions about the world despite the fact that he still lives at home and doesn't have the maturity to look for a real job or find a girlfriend his own age. And my parents just shut up and let him talk, so that there's basically no conversation except him talking. When I interrupt, he just talks louder, and if I point out his rudeness or try to contradict his craziness, I get lectured by my parents for being intolerant of his "problems."

AP, that really sucks. It's also really irresponsible (and also illegal?) for the bank to have given someone else your key, maybe you can at least get some compensation from them? Or maybe you can consult a lawyer to see if they can do anything for you without having to deal with your family yourself. I mean, if they stole from you and the bank can confirm that, you have a pretty good case. Hmph, the worst thing about family like that is how much you're willing to give up just to not have to deal with them.

[auralpoison]

(((((everybody)))))

I'm pretty cheesed off & cannot decide what to do. All of my legal stuff wound down last week. When I asked the banker about my safety deposit box, I found out my stupid fucking aunt had pretty much cleaned me out (My mother put her on the acct, but not me) without mentioning a word to me. Now I know that things were split into thirds with each daughter getting a piece. Apparently, my aunt felt she deserved my mother's slice of the pie as well & I do NOT know why. I AM THE SOLE HEIR & SHE HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT. She didn't have a key, because I have both, so I am assuming they made her one. My gut wants to call her & rip her a new fucking asshole over this, but my brain says to just let her have it & never talk to her again. BUT there were papers & such in the bottom of the box that I didn't go through the one time I looked into it. For all I know I'm getting fucked out of something that is rightfully mine. My auntie is mentally disabled & her husband is very smart, wily, & quite frankly comes from criminal stock. Like, his nephew & BIL fully intended to burgle their home while they were away at a wedding type criminal stock. I know I should just let them keep it, but it just pisses me off because they have been trying to horn in on my business ever since my mom died & this time they finally succeeded.

[anna k]

I hate it when my sister stays over. She is immature, annoying, self-righteous, and can say such ignorant shit, like calling things "ghetto" or "gay," cleaning my apartment when I didn't ask her, fussing over things, claiming to be open-minded but racist against anyone foreign she finds ugly or weird, and is just a pill to be around. I heard her talking to a friend saying how she felt a compulsion to clean the apartment my brother and I share, and it pissed me off. I called her out on it, and she got really defensive, starting with "First of all," which is number-one in defensive "not me" b.s., and treating me as if I was yelling and overreacting, and when I said she was a guest in our home, she snapped that since our parents help us with the place, she wasn't a guest, it was hers too, and I told her that I pay the bills and keep things clean (she doesn't live here, she just visits every other weekend while she attended a school program). I just couldn't stand her acting so childish and not having a reasonable argument.

She is a real twit, complains that nothing good is on TV when she wouldn't bother herself to watch anything educational or intelligent on PBS or the History Channel, has little class, and is not a very likable person, with dumbass friends (with the exception of one who worked her ass off to be successful). I heard her on the phone saying how she worries about me when I date guys, and I wanted to snap at her that I can handle myself, and have a much healthier attitude towards dating/sex than she does (she just basically fucked up a potential fling by expecting the guy to be her immediate boyfriend and sabotaged it). Sometimes I hate that we're sisters, because she's not always fun to be around, can have a stank attitude, is homophobic (like calling someone "gay" with a disgusted look on her face, mentioning someone being gay even if has nothing to do with the conversation, like "My boss, who is gay, . . ."). Blech, this is what I have to put up with.

Now I'm just pissed at her for being a bitch but can't snap at her or else she'll get defensive and bitchy and I don't feel like dealing with that, since it comes out of her immaturity and insecurities.

Souldancer, you are awesome for saying that. I hate those nasty pieces of shit who aren't any better than the rest of humanity yet piss on other people, like women or poor people or fat people or people of different races. And I hate having to accept my dad's assiness because he will never change. Or that no matter much therapy my sister has been through, she can still be a self-involved, narrow-minded, immature bitch at age 28.

[designermedusa]

ccgirl, I wanted to share that my father is also an alcoholic (he denies it). My dad has never really been there for me, he loves me, but I blame a lot of our poverty as a child on him and his drinking. The thing is he has a job, works way more than 40 hours a week, but as soon as he gets home he drinks one beer after another after another. I only mention the job because in his mind he doesn't have a problem. My mom says that's all he drinks, and some days he'll drink a dozen beers. I am at the point in my life (after at least 20 years of being aware of the problem) that I know he will never change. We don't really talk and when we do he doesn't really listen to what I'm saying, so I don't bother. Last weekend me, Twin DM and Mom DM were talking, and I mentioned how when me and my sister were about 10 years old she told my grandfather that my dad was an alcoholic. If you think about it that's really sad that a child that young would recognize that about her father. I know star and others have already mentioned this book, but I did find Adult Children of Alcoholics to be very helpful for me when I was going to therapy. I just wanted you to know that I understand your frustrations.

[Souldancer75]

Entertainment for y'all....feel free to give me advice on how you would handle this one....or don't, and sit back and laugh...har.har.har. thanks for reading either way.

My husband's sister and brother (long story) came to stay with us for four days. I have barely been around them - because we are newlyweds and they live about 1,000 miles away.

I knew that my brother in law was a little bit of a dick - an underachiever who had a head injury in his teenage years and has amounted at age 36 to little....working a job at a local grocery store, living at home still, and never had a stay woman or any real social outlet....a gaming nerd who never leaves the home - paranoid, immature, petrified in adolescence.....totally socially uncoothed. My husband describes him as a mixture of Napolean Dynamite and Bill O'Reilly.

Well -he overstayed his welcome at my house --- quickly. First off starting to complain about where he was sleeping "can't you two afford an airconditioner?", criticizing my husband's announcement of our engagement, marriage, or wedding decisions, etc. etc. Then when I was making a huge dinner for them - he announces 25 minutes before it is completed that he "cant' wait any longer this is taking forever" and goes in and helps himself to a bagel.

I poured another cocktail and tried to shrug it off....hand shaking and sighing with my eyes bulging.

During and after dinner --- I realized that mr. sandbox boy - likes to spew his views on society, religion, and women's issues however he wants and becomes totally threatened when ANYONE so little as comments on any of his opinions. He is just accustomed to sitting there and having his family cringe and knod their heads and just wait for him to tire-out --- like a dog chasing his tail in the back yard.

I could handle this as long as I could keep shoving my penne ala vodka and vodka into my mouth...until he started on how "ridiculous 30 something women try to keep up in looks with 20 somethings....its so stupid, I mean you will never look that good so why bother." At that moment, I almost transformed into Lester Birnam in American Beauty and considered throwing my plate against the wall with a "don't interrupt me, honey." Instead I turned to my husband and gave him a look as a warning.....

"well, its kinda like this Lou, how do you feel - being 36, living at home with your grandma, and working at Publix? - I mean the male role equivalent is feeling insecure about not having status, career, and lots of money to buy a hot woman, right? so that must suck, huh?"

As my appalachian grandma would say "it got so quiet - you coulda heard a mouse piss on cotton in there."

I then looked at my husband with a face that begged him to intervene or suffer consequences.....
he did a "gee what time is it - its getting late, I have to get up for work at 4am - so we kinda gotta start winding this up and get ready for bed...." to which the man responded -" I dont' go to bed for several hours."

And then when I spoke to hubby alone - I got "we are desensitized to him...thats just Lou...thats how he is....just ignore him."

I expect now and I am prepared to be labeled as the notorious bitch who offends people because I wont' swallow a family legacy of apathy towards his disrespectful, irritating, immature, insensitive, behavior.....by the brother-in-law and anyone he talks to....

I really hate dealing with family. There is nothing in life that triggers me more than feeling like I am expected to fake smile and suck-up peoples' rude comments just because "that is how they are" and because "they are family" and you SHOULD do that.

Screw it. I would rather die alone.

[candycane_girl]

Hello again. I feel unsure of whether I should be posting this here or in another thread. The alcohol thread seems to be more for busties who have their own issues with alcohol thread and the "addiciton: someone you love has one" seems to be more for people whose loved ones are into drugs.

I just had a really long cry. I couldn't get my dad out of my head. I don't know why I'm thinking about him so much. Maybe it's because I know that next week he's going to be picking me up and we're driving back home together. 4 or more hours in a car with just my dad. I don't even know what to say to him. I'm almost tempted to try to use it as an opportunity to talk to him but I don't think that it would do any good considering he'll be concentrating on the road the whole time.

I know I'm going right back to my old ways of wanting him to stop drinking. I had a talk with my cousin and we were trying to figure out which comes first, stopping drinking and then working on his relationships or vice versa? I'm feeling convinced that we can't work on our relationship unless he stops drinking first.

Another thing I'm finding frustrating is that my dad's older brother has stopped drinking and my dad goes around telling everyone and he's just so fucking proud of him. So it's like, okay, you're so proud of your older brother but you're still doing the same stupid shit! I don't get it! That would be like me going around and telling everyone that a friend or someone has lost a lot of weight and then me eating a fucking cheesecake! If he's not going to change his own behaviour then why is he so fucking proud of his brother?

I wish I could give him an ultimatum even though I know that wouldn't work. I won't talk to you if you keep drinking. If I get married you're not invited unless you're sober. If I have kids you won't see them unless you stop drinking.

I don't know why I'm back here, wishing that I could guilt trip him into getting sober. I'm just so annoyed. I mentioned his older brother's success and I said "Maybe you could try the same thing" and he was just like "I'm getting there, I'm working on it." Bullshit. How am I even supposed to know if he's cutting down when I never knew for sure how much he was drinking in the first place?

I keep thinking that once I'm out of school and completely independent that I could just cut him out of my life but really, how the hell would that work? Go home for the holidays and talk to everyone except him? I hate him so much right now and I wish I could just pick up the phone and scream at him. He doesn't see me like this. He doesn't see me crying my eyes out because I'm so sad and frustrated. And like I said before, if he did see me like this then maybe he would stop drinking for a few days. Nothing more.

[candycane_girl]

I think the thing about my dad is that at this point I know that he will probably never stop drinking. I think it would take an absolute miracle for him to stop drinking. When I was younger I used to try so hard to get across to him the fact that I wished he wouldn't drink. I was a teenager when it finally sunk in that if my dad were to ever stop drinking HE would have to be the person to stop. No one could force him to stop. I remember when I was 17 I got into a bad car accident (I managed to get hit by a transport truck). Of course my dad was so upset and he was crying a bit and I remember him hugging me and saying "You know what? I'm going to stop drinking." I hugged him back and smiled on the outside but on the inside I just thought, "Yeah, right."

As for the traditionalism, it just drives me crazy. Holding on to your roots is one thing but like I said, it often feels like he's trying to over compensate for having a white wife and mixed kids. Obviously I'm a feminist so it drives me crazy when we have family gatherings and the women are in the kitchen all fucking day while the men are outside drinking and the younger guys are goofing around. I'm not the kind of woman who is just going to stand there quietly and cook just because I have a vagina.

And there's just so much more than that. I don't know if other cultures are like this but there is so much secrecy and it's always over the dumbest things. Like, when one of my cousins got married it was to a guy that she had met at university but my dad kept insisting that it was an arranged marriage and everyone tried to let on that it was for the sake of appearances. And then another cousin of mine got engaged to a guy who was not Indian and her dad put up this big show about how horrible it was and how he didn't want her to get married. In reality he actually liked her fiance and was totally fine with it but he had to put on the show lest anyone think that he would willfully let his daughter marry a non Indian.

It's just all so fucking ridiculous. Another thing is that these problems don't just exist in my family. My dad's older brother (the uncle mentioned above) has pretty much isolated himself through his actions. He thinks that he's the smartest person in the world and since he was the first born son he was treated like a god for most of his life. He has 4 children and only 1 of them has a decent relationship with him. 1 out of 4. It's pathetic. And it bugs me even more that he puts on such a front and my dad actually eats it up and tries to be more like him.

Sorry for rambling so much. It's just good to get it off my chest. However, I think I might be making myself more angry just by thinking about it, hence my original plan to just start ignoring all the stupidity of this family.

This might sound weird but sometimes I think that my horrible relationship with my dad is the universe's way of balancing out my great relationship with my mom. I guess I should be thankful to have her as my mom.


(((kitten))) sometimes it's good just to get it out and talk without trying to find a solution.

[stargazer]

(((cc_girl))) I think the advice epi gave you is wise. You should check out Al-anon or pick up the book Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I'm not sure if you are writing to just vent or want feedback or both. So do what you like with my feedback. You are right to feel frustrated about your father possibly not changing. I remember in therapy when I was, oh, 23, maybe, saying that my father should just stop drinking and everything will be ok. My therapist said, "Well, you're father may never stop drinking." That was such a brutual blow to my ego and such a harsh realization of how I have no impact in my father's drinking. I am completely powerless and have no control in this situation. Fucking stung me, I tell you. But, I see it as being really profound for me to let go of that co dependent pattern and focus on myself, heal me. You are right that talking about it does not feel better. But, if you want to have a different relationship with men and others, then I think it is really important to find support about the influence of alcoholism in your life.

He has become so ridiculously traditional, he expects this perfect Indian family where the wife and kids do exactly as he says without ever questioning anything. He seems to forget that his kids are half white and were born and raised in Canada.

My father is not an immigrant, but, he still holds true to maschismo ways of masculinity for Latino males. I fought against this type of man and my father for most of my life. I had to realize a couple of years ago that if I want my father in my life (which I do) that I have to accept him as he is. That doesn't mean I can't set boundaries for myself or let him say dumbass things. I speak up for myself. I think not speaking to me for 7 years he feels a sort of vulnerability to want to give me my space and let me come to him when I want to. Your father may never be understanding to your situation because his culture tells him as a man, he doesn't need to be. You are a child and you are there for him. Now, I NEVER agreed with that view of children. My father acted the same way your father did with me. I never felt that amount of love and affection unless he was drunk. So, yeah, I hear you wanting your father to treat you differently.

My heart really goes out to you. I felt compelled to write because I remembered being in a similar position. Chasing my father and wanting him to be the father I wanted for me. I ignored myself alot, ate to compensate with being ignored by my parents, and depressed about my life. Therapy really helped me deal with my father. I don't think I would have the relationship I have with him now if it wasn't for it, Alateen (I went as a teenager), and talking with lots of people.

Keep posting here if there are things you still need to get off our chest. Btw, sorry if my post sounded confusing, I'm dealing with terrible menstrual cramps.

(((cc_girl)))

ETA: Oh good kittenb! I'm glad he was able to support you. I knew he would. Btw, I should update that I think my folks are willing and understanding to let my uncle falter if he is not willing to get help. We'll see what happens. My uncle still wants to control the situation.

[kittenb]

CCG - I've never been to Ala-non or OA but I have been in therapy (group & private) and one thing I've noticed is that as you are going through the work there is a time period where everything seems worse than it was before you started talking about it. I compare it to getting an infection out of your body. Even when the skin over it looks okay, there is a lot of grossness underlying it that has to come out. It is only once the infection starts to clear out that progress is felt.
It sounds like you are in a pretty horrible situation. You are right that you cannot change him and he will only change when he is ready to. I have no great advice but I wish you the best.

I decided to talk to my bf about the new stuff w/my family. It felt good to get it out even though he doesn't know what to do anymore than I do.

[candycane_girl]

Thanks, epi. I wasn't sure if my post belonged more in this thread or the addiction one but I guess I chose to post here because it's his alcoholism that has caused most of our family's problems. I often wonder if addiction is hereditary. My dad's addicted to alcohol, my brother is addicted to cigarettes and I'm addicted to food. I remember when I was in therapy my doctor gave me this book called "It Will Never Happen To Me" and it was all about children of alcoholics who ended up being alcoholics despite thinking that it could never happen. I often think, "Well, I'm not an alcoholic but I'm definitely an addict." I get so angry but I don't know if he's to blame.

The thing about Al-Anon (and my experiences in OA) is that sometimes I feel like it just makes things worse because you end up talking about it all the time. When I was typing out my earlier post I got so upset and depressed just thinking about my dad and his behaviour. I know that ignoring it doesn't help but if he's never going to change then what's the point of talking about it all the time?

In addition to that, the alcoholism is only one part of the overall problem. I don't know if he would be much better without the alcohol. He has become so ridiculously traditional, he expects this perfect Indian family where the wife and kids do exactly as he says without ever questioning anything. He seems to forget that his kids are half white and were born and raised in Canada. I know that a lot of children of immigrants deal with this, trying to balance their parents' expectations with being raised in a western country. And yet it's even more than that! Fuck, I'm so frustrated I feel like I could take up pages writing about him.

There are so many other things. It's like he just doesn't know us. He doesn't have a real relationship with any of us. He doesn't know anything about my likes or my dislikes. His idea of spending a nice Saturday night with my mom is sitting in front of the tv and watching Punjabi shows. He still has this idea that the man should control everything to do with the household and he completely disqualifies anything she says when it comes to big decisions. On Sunday he asked where my brother was and I said he was at band practice. My brother has had band practice every single Sunday for 9 months! I could go on but I feel like I'm completely rambling. This is just a small glimpse of my family.

[epinephrine]

(((ccg)))

I don't have a ton of experience in this area, so I won't pretend I know how you can fix this, but I can tell you that alcoholism is an illness that infects every aspect of a person's identity, personality and life. There is no such thing as a "functioning alcoholic." Alcoholics are people who have turned alcohol into a person they have a relationship with, and it is an abusive relationship. You're right. You can't change him. But if you learn a bit more about alcoholism, and about your who your dad is because of it, you might find some comfort in recognizing the signs and knowing that it's not about you - it all comes down to alcohol. Your dad may refuse to go to AA meetings (and I don't blame him - they are sort of creepy with the chanting and prayers and jargon and group mentality, but their effectiveness has been proven and they do everything they do for a reason), but you can go. Or better yet, check out Al-Anon, which is specifically for family and friends of alcoholics. The more you understand him and why he behaves the way he does, the less he can hurt you. You may not like what you hear, but at least it's the truth. And it helps to have the support of other people with similar experiences.

[candycane_girl]

((((kitten))))
((((star))))

I've been meaning to post in here for a little while now. I have a horrible relationship with my father and it has finally gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't think I could ever cut off all contact with him, that would be impossible. And I don't think it's bad enough that I should but there are times when I really feel like I don't want anything to do with him.

I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess one of the first big issues is that he's an alcoholic. But he's a functioning alcoholic. He can hold down a job and since he has never beaten any of us (me, my brother or my mom) he thinks that there's nothing wrong. He doesn't seem to realize that he hurts us emotionally all the time. We've tried all we can in terms of the drinking. My brother once got really mad and took all of the bottles out of their hiding places and set them up in a long line in front of my parents' room to bring it out in the open. One time I smashed a few bottles and another time I poured all the alcohol down the drain. Of course he just went out and bought more. We have cried, we have screamed, we have tried talking rationally to him. I think he went to one or two AA meetings but stopped going because he said that it was "too Christian" which is bullshit because I've been to OA and I've read through the "big book" and it's not like it talks about Jesus or anything.

I know that one of the hardest parts if my dad ever wanted to become sober is his culture. My dad is Indian and every time we have a big family gathering the men just sit around and drink themselves silly. The same thing happens at weddings. My mom has often said that she feels like the only reason my dad asks her to go to weddings is so that she can be the designated driver. I've found that the Indian culture is one that takes hospitality too far. People will offer you something over and over until you finally give in. It's considered rude to go to someone's house and not eat anything. I can't imagine how hard it would be to try to avoid alcohol and have someone offer you a drink over and over again.

Anyway, that's just the beginning of our problems. My dad is also a workaholic and so he was hardly around for most of my childhood. And then even when he was home he wasn't really there. Basically he would work late, come home and get right on the phone to talk to family and friends.

Family is just a huge issue in general. My mom feels like since she's white, my dad has always been trying to make up for it by making our family behave more traditional and more Indian. It's like, while other Indian families realize that culture is evolving (albeit very slowly) my dad wants our family to be just the way it was when he grew up. And the other thing that bugs me is that it feels like he bends over backwards for the people in his family but doesn't give a shit about us. I've often said that my dad cares more about the family he was born into than the one that he created.

I guess I should explain our big blowup a couple of weekends ago. It was my grandparents' 65th anniversary so on the Saturday we were just going to have our neighbours over for a barbecue. My dad got home on Thursday night (he's been working out of town) and right away he was in a bad mood. This is what pisses me off the most. None of us had even done anything for him to be angry about but he was already really annoyed. So Friday night rolls around and my mom and I are watching a movie downstairs. At 10:30 at night he starts vacuuming which we know isn't actually about getting the house clean but rather about making a big show over how hard he works and poor him, he's vacuuming the house late at night. Nevermind that I could have done it the next day long before the company came over.

The next day my mom and I went out for a bit. When we came home I noticed that all my makeup was missing from the bathroom (his way of cleaning is to just get everything off the counter and toss it somewhere else). I looked all over for it and I couldn't find it. So I went outside and he was in the backyard and I was upstairs on the deck and I asked him "Where is all of my makeup?" At that point he yells at me, "What are you talking about?!" and so I was like "Don't yell at me" and of course he yells even louder "I'm not yelling at you, you're the one who's yelling at me!" which was total bullshit. At that point I was just thinking "fuck it, I'm not doing this" so I turned around to go back inside but for some reason (I swear it felt like I knee jerk reaction) I stuck up my middle finger. This of course led to him coming back inside and yelling at me but then he had to calm down and put on a happy face for the company coming over.

The next day I apologized and as always, he and my mom and I had a somewhat awkward talk. The difference is that this time I don't expect anything to change. He will always find something to be angry about. No matter how much or how little we all do, he is never satisfied. Things will be okay for a while and then he will have another stupid hissy fit about something that doesn't really matter.

I think this is the only part that is hard for me. For years and years I thought that he could change but he won't, he doesn't want to. He is convinced that no matter how shitty he treats us we should all bow down to him and love him unconditionally. I've had enough. I will put on a happy face. I will fake it. But I just can't let myself get hurt by him again. I've always said that if it was any other relationship that I would have left years ago. I have been hurt over and over and over by this man and I just can't do it anymore.