[stargazer]

(((kittenb))) I didn't find your post to be mememe. You needed to vent. I needed to hear another person's story to feel validated as well. Win win situation.

Reading your post, I was reminded how I just can't do the denial thing. Let's not even talk about how I've worked with the addiction population. But, my own therapy and personal development has represented moving from shame, guilt, and secrets towards honesty, openness, and communication. I think coupled with what you and I do for a living (as well as go to school for) it is doubly hard to put the blinders back on after we took off 'em off and threw them away. I have a really hard time when I enter a new situation when denial is a big part of the system. But, that's another story...

I think it is good that you are setting boundaries for yourself. It is hard to not feel crazy wanting to live a life differently than your family and still be accepted. I think what helped for me was that I can support my parents by I don't have to support their actions. I've made a conscious choice not to take on others problems, only because I know people are successful at getting what they want through whatever manipulative means necessary. I mean, I learned this result by my relationship with my father.

As for the Geek, can you ask him to just hear you and not try to fix anything if you need to vent about your family? Not sure what it has been like for you as a couple when handling your family. I'm sorry the situation leaves you feeling you can't talk about it with him or even to post here. But, you know my digits if you need to talk.

[kittenb]

Star, I am sort of in the same shoes as you at the moment. Things have gotten worse at home. I'm not going to post the story here as I find it really shameful. However, the issue of your mom enabling someone else's dangerous behavior sounds really familiar to me.
You're right when you say that we can't save our familes but we do have to live with them (in your case, literally.) If we love them, we want them to be happy and not to be used and manipulated by others. And we also need to keep ourselves safe from the manipulations of these people.
I think part of my frustration is that now that I have made it clear that I don't want to be the "go-to" person in a crisis, no one calls me about anything. I express my upset about my step-sister and it gets read as, "You hate my child! I hate you too." I'm not allowed to be my own person with my own opinions if they contradict the sickness of the family. And I can't talk to anyone else in the family because I am not supposed to know what I know (and god am I sick of THAT game! "I'll tell you but I don't know if I'm supposed to so if you tell mom you know I'll get in trouble.")
I havne't even been able to tell my boyfriend what is going on because I don't want him to think less of my family than he already does, I don't want him to forbid my family from visiting, and I don't want to get into a fight about this. I also don't know if I can defend them at this point.
We, as a family, used to be so much more than we are right now. We used to have some dignity and something more than just, "I have to stick with you b/c I am stuck with you."
Star, sorry to turn your post into, "memememe." My intention was to empathise but it turned into my own vent. I do understand what you are going through, though.

[stargazer]

Sorry for the double post.

I found out yesterday that my uncle has started using drugs again. So, it is not so much that he is using drugs that upsets me. I am more upset at my mother's enabling of his behavior. My mom is a great enabler I tell you. If you needed rescuing and don't want to do the work, go to her. Seriously. So many family members have taken advantage of her. Also, I can see the manipulation which is occuring to my parents. My uncle has a long history of drug abuse and, well, my grandfather has constantly saved him. So, now he wants to avoid dealing with my grandfather and wants my mother's help. My mother is using conflict from their childhood with my grandfater as a way to understand my uncle not wanting to go to him. Um, but, he'll go to him when he needs money, right? The thing that got me is that my mother wanted us as a family to be supportive of him. Uh, no. I've told him I'll take him to a doctor's appt. if needed, but, he has to want to get help himself. He's telling my mom that he will go get help after he takes care of certain things first. Um, he said he was going to go to the doctor for his heart and anxiety after taking care of certain things first too about a couple of months ago. Has he gone? No. Has he called me to take him? No.

He needs to fall on his own. He might need getting arrested or being homeless to get a wake up call. Or, maybe he won't ever get a wakeup call. Not if we keep rescuing him and preventing the fall.

So, back to my original ire. I will support my mom emotionally, but, I will not support behaviors which I feel are enabling to his addiction. I will not continue to blame my grandparents for his choice to use drugs or to keep secrets. Rereading what I wrote below, it is so tough to break this cycle of codependency without feeling like a self centered bitch. I told my mom I did not want to be part of their discussion with my uncle. I have to respect my mother's choice on how she supports my uncle, but, I don't need to be a part of it. I also resent her trying to pull me and that I should pity him. Um, no. He's hurt others before with his behavior, just like he is doing now (stealing)...he is not getting it. Patterns anyone?

You know, I had to take myself out of the cyclone of my father's alcoholism in order to focus on me and kill the codependency beast. And even that took about 10 more years of therapy, a failed relationship, and poor dating choices for me to learn my lesson. Being back at home is like being thrown back into the pit again. I'm trying to remain centered. I think observing family members behaviors is how nobody focused on themselves. Seriously. They don't look in their backyards. My mom talked about taking a day off to take my uncle to a doctor's appt. Um, my mother has not been to the doctor for months (she's diabetic), overweight, and has had difficulty managing her blood sugar recently. But, she will take time off to take care of someone else. It just sickens me. However, I know I cannot change those people as frustrating as fuck as it is. I just have to try really hard to stay focused on me and set boundaries for myself. I'm so paranoid of continuing those patterns from my family. It scares the jeebus out of me. Sometimes, I wonder if I returned home so I can learn my own patterns, the influence of my family, and the importance of killing those patterns for myself. I can only change me.

It might make sense why I've had so many funeral dreams. They say death brings new life or transformation. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel better. But, I still feel sad. Shit, no wonder why I have a hard time letting someone take care of me. I was raised by a bunch of fuckups. Seriously.

Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone else has similar experiences, it will make me feel better.

[stargazer]

It is hard to believe how the patterns in my life are so engrained in me, mentally and behaviorally. I was reading this website about family systems (yes, I'm a psychology dork), when a paragraph really struck me:

"A good analogy is an alcoholic family, in which the children are forced into protective and stereotypic roles (the scapegoat, mascot, lost child, and so on) by the extreme dynamics of their family. But these roles do not represent the essence of the children; on the contrary, once released from his or her role by intervention, each child can find interests and talents separate from the demands of the chaotic family."

I've been working really hard this year to break old patterns. I was aware of my "helper" role in my 20s when talking to a mentor and I said, "I don't know what to do if I am not needed" in a relationship. Major a-ha moment for me, but, I still struggled to break this cycle (hello dating emotionally immature losers!). I think this pattern is tough for me to let go and allow my vulnerabilities because, in some ways, my family still pulls for me to be the thinker and go-to person in crisis (or self created crisis). I have a good relationship with my family, don't get me wrong. But, that sexy dance or seduction of co-dependency...I can get roped in before I know it.

[auralpoison]

(((((Foryoursplendor))))) (((((DesignerMedusa)))))

I love my grandad, I do. I know he's bored. But I am tired of him bullying me into letting him do whatever he wants. IS IT SO GODDAMNED WRONG THAT I WANT TO DO SOME THINGS FOR MYSELF?!

He's been threatening to come over & mow my lawn (I'm a home owner now, I need to do these things myself!), he followed through today. He called first, so I relented & let him, but told him I only wanted him to do the front as the backyard is a mess (The swift winds knocked over the BBQ caddy, there is broken glass & caddy junk everywhere) & I'd rather do it on my own, TVM. So he did the front, I told him to leave the back be, he pushed past me to get back there. It pissed me off, no means NO goddamnit. So I reverted to being a nine year old & stood in front of the fence & argued with him about it for fifteen minutes until he got disgusted enough to leave. But not before demanding to know what I'm "hiding" from him. I'm not "hiding" anything per se, but my fence is in desperate need of repair & I just don't want MY LIFE to become HIS PROJECT. I WANT TO DO IT, NOT HAVE HIM DO IT BECAUSE I'M STUPID & OR HELPLESS. IT'S NOT HIS JOB!!!!!

I appreciate that he's bored out of his skull, but he needs to find something to do that doesn't revolve around making me feel like a nincompoop because I don't know that gas "spoils" over a year or where the carburetor on the mower is hidden.

[foryoursplendor]

My Step-Mom showed up at her Mom's on Saturday, after being missing for 8 days. My Dad has told her that he doesn't want to her to come home. I'm really happy that he's done this, but I hope that he sticks to it.

[designermedusa]

((for your splendor)) I hope things work out especially for you and your brothers' sake.

star, thinks for linking to the mom/daughter story. It really hit home, and I feel on a daily basis that distance would be a good thing for me and my mom. The thing is Twin DM needs to get away too or my mom will latch on to her even more. I'll have to show Twin DM the article.

[kittenb]

{{{foryoursplendor}}} That is a tough situtation to be in. I totally understand the "If I wasn't connected to you through other people" I absolutely give up on you!
I hope things work out soon.

[foryoursplendor]

Ahhhhh! I have a crazy step-mom (who's only 34), and she's literally a crack addict. She was hit by a car last year, and received $25,000 because of the accident. She spent $5000 of the money last weekend on a binge and she's gone on one again this weekend. She's been missing since Friday, so at this point the only options for her are:

-she realizes what she's doing, and comes home with what is left of her money
-she comes home because she has run out of money
-she gets arrested and put in jail
-she dies

The first option is very unlikely, but one can hope. She's the mother of my 2 younger brothers, which is the only reason I am not indifferent to her. To be honest, I hope that she gets put in jail asap, I think its the only way she'll stop using immediately, save some of her money and get some help.

I've been back from holiday a week today, and I'm already not wanting to be here.

[period_monster]

I had a similar reaction when reading that article, Stargazer. A few years ago I needed to live with my mom for a year while I worked out some stuff. By the time I moved away I really felt like I had become blurry. the line between she and I had started to disappear. This is why I love to live a plane ride or two away from home most days.

My granny and her mother have never lived more than a county apart, in the 80+ years my granny has been alive. Their relationship distresses me terribly because my great-grandma isn't nice to my granny. I fear that when my great-grandma goes, my granny will too.

[stargazer]

This article on mother/daughter relationship dynamics reminded me too much of what happens with my mom and I. The reason why it is better for me to live away from my mother.

[persimmon_grrrl]

...

[stargazer]

(((kittenb)))

[kittenb]

I have honestly decided to do my best to not get involved. I finally talked to my mom about it and it turns out I wasn't even supposed to know what had happened. I had been told by my older sister who was also not supposed to know about what had happened. My family loves to keep their little secrets. My mom basically told me that she could not deal with the fact that I was upset b/c she had too many things going wrong at the moment. She refuses to go to the police b/c if she does her relationship will end. I told her if she changed her mind I would move her to the city. Otherwise, fuck it. I cannot deal with that level of craziness in my life anymore. I hate the way my family deals with stuff.

At this point, I have no interest in ever going back to Ohio. My family never vistis me out here. It is always me trying to stay in touch with them. They know where I live. If anyone wants to find me, they can call me for a change.

I know that at some point my anger will fade and I will be willing to see them again but right now they are not my problem. No one wants my involvement so I will stop being involved. In some ways it feels strangely liberating. In other ways, kind of lonely. But I will live. I have a good life where I am. I will just focus on that for a change. If my mother ever decides to prioritize herself and her needs and health, I will be the first person to help her move. Until then, she has to make her own choices.

[angie_21]

Aww (((kittenb))) I have tried that tactic too. It's great while it lasts! And you are right to be concerned about keeping youself and your life separate from these problems, it doesn't help anyone for you to get all tied up in this mess that is not at all your fault.

I think honestly that if things keep happening, you may have to call the police, or convince your mom to. I know it just sounds like that will be more stressful, but this is a situation that is just plain beyond any person's ability or responsibility to deal with all by themselves. Your sis won't make anything right without a swift kick in the ass and a lot of help, and I doubt she will be willing to get help at this point, so the only option is a kick in the ass. I have never personally had a bad experience with cops, they can be very straighforward and helpful, and they may be able to let you know what you (and your mom) can and can't legally do to keep yourselves safe.

But either way, big *hugs* and good luck!

[kittenb]

My mood has improved because I have decided to pretend I am an orphan. It has to be the case. Those people are crazy. I am not crazy. Therefore - ORPHAN!
It won't last. At some point, someone will call me. But until then - ORPHAN!

[stargazer]

(((kittenb)))

[kittenb]

So the emotional reality of my step-sis' actions have finally hit me. Last night I just realized, she has ruined everything. Until she makes this right, and I mean pays back every damn dime and gets herself into treatment for whatever is wrong with her, she is not welcome in my life. She cannot come to my house. If she is still like this when I get married or have a baby, she will not be a part of it. I will not be buying her prom dress because she won't be going to prom (she has all but dropped out.) She is the bad influence that other parents should keep their children away from.
It hurts so much. It is like this hollow emptiness that just aches. I have always wanted so much for her and now, none of that matters. She has trashed it all. I don't know how to accept it.

[bunnyb]

(((kitten))) I don't really know what to say other than that I sympathise. My sister is a lot younger but she's stolen money, cigarettes, watches porn and has almost set the house on fire on a couple of occasions hiding lit cigarettes. I know the frustration you are feeling. Unfortunately with your stepsis, I don't think that there's really anything that you can do; she's on a downward spiral and the only hope is that she hits bottom and realises she needs to pick herself up. It's like any intervention: the person needs to want help. The only thing that you can do is be supportive of your mum and -if you want to- be there for Sasha when she turns around and sees what she's doing to her family and to herself.

[stargazer]

(((kittenb))) i really feel for your mom. what a terrible position for her to be in. and what a terrible position for you to me hearing all of this information second hand. it sounds like your mom and her partner are having a tough time being united about how to handle step sis. i'm sure stepsis sees this and is just playing them. so sad. things may get worse before they get better. or, they may just allow the same things to keep happening.