[spot-on]

It was just weird. It pisses me off too because my father isn't even married to my stepmother and her kids are not his and I'm just...replaceable. Bah.

Rogue, I know exactly how this feels cos I was in that exact same place. Only I was just 12/13 years old. My father was never there for me in my childhood. Not to go into too much details but he fucked up royally and thought more of his new family than he ever did of me and my Mom. I hated him for it. I didn't take my hatred out on his GF or her kids but her daughter (1 yr older than me) took an immediate dislike to me and there was tension whenever I visited and at school.

Once he told me we would be going to an amusement park the next week, I got ready and he never showed. But he took the rest of his new family, there was "No room for me in the car as D decided to go at the last minute". Well screw me then I guess? The week after I decided that *I* wouldn't turn up to the arranged location. He turned up on our doorstep at 11pm blind drunk. I told him at 14 to fuck the hell off and that I no longer wanted to see him. My life was much better after that, but it STILL hurts to this day that he replaced our family and no longer gave a shit.

If your gut is saying stay home, they stay home. I've definitely learned to listen to my inner me and she's never been wrong so far!

(((HUGS)))

[rogue]

Hey ketto - yeah, I'm just going to keep the time off for myself. It's my last three days of vacation this year and I have ten days off (paid!) at Christmas because my office closes from 24 December - 4 January, which is awesome. I'm just going to spend time hanging out around the house and stuff, probably go out for some walks, whatever. I've wanted some downtime so I think it's a good idea. I hate to say it but my stepfamily is truly made up of a bunch of idiots. I e-mailed one of my best friends today and told her that it's something that I really just realized and that I need to get over. People are going to be assholes - nothing I can do about it, right? I'm also used to being left out of everything - one time they all got a family photo done and I wasn't included in it. Like, I live a three hour drive away but I definitely would have made it over for that if they had even mentioned it. So I went to visit after it was done and there it was, hanging on the wall, sans moi. It was just weird. It pisses me off too because my father isn't even married to my stepmother and her kids are not his and I'm just...replaceable. Bah.

I also just got word last night that my grandmother might be bleeding internally (again) so I think it best that I stay close to home this weekend. She's had a really shitty year and I would hate to be away if something happened. It's not a I'd never be able to forgive myself situation, but I would not be happy about it at all.

[pants]

Raisin, can you just pull the oh I have too much work to do card? or get conveniently ill? you wouldn't want to infect anyone after all

and then just take the time for yourself to do your own thing for a couple days without any expectations.






I've just had to explain for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW that no mom they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK, see it's an American holiday, and this is another country.

I'd tell her it feels like she doesn't listen to me but I don't think she'd actually listen to me.

[ketto]

Roque, I always say follow your instincts. It sounds like you've thought long and hard about the reality of your family and the situation so I say do what feels right for you. Since I'm assuming you booked some time off for the trip, are you taking some time for yourself instead?

(((raisin)))

[raisingirl]

I'm having holiday-related anxieties. I really wish I were in a position to host my own Thanksgiving (which I hate anyway as a holiday because it's all about the fuckin' dead bird), not in a position to play dodge the relatives in Dysfunctionland.

[rogue]

I'm such a waffler. This is kind of cross-posted in the confessions thread, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going on the trip. This past weekend started and it just didn't feel right anymore, you know? I feel in my soul that I shouldn't be going (and I never argue with my soul). I don't have the stamina for a car trip like that - the length and also dealing with my stepfamily's shit. Like I said there, 98.275% sure that I'm just going to take my five days vacation and hole up in my little apartment and just chill out. Have some me time. Relax and all that shiz.

It's just really hard because I always feel left out by all of them. They all grew up together and I was with my Mom. I would never trade being raised for her by anything, but I think you can understand where I'm coming from. I just need to grow up - I'm not a little kid anymore and they are a really shitty family. I know that now. I just need to stop getting my hopes up that they'll change because they never do. So it's time to give up the ghost, so-to-speak. I think it will be nice to just be by myself for a bit anyway.

As before - thanks for all your support here, everyone. It really means a lot to me to have so much feedback and positive wishes/thoughts from you all. You're the complete and utter best.

[rogue]

Thanks so much, ladies! I think it's going to be really difficult for me to just keep my mouth shut if she tries to discuss things with me, but like I (and you) said, I'm trying so hard to be the bigger person here. My best friend is huge on that - she is always the bigger person and that's why I love her. She's so kind and gracious and calm - which is the exact, total opposite of me. I've been told that I am "a force to be reckoned with", and to be completely honest, I'd rather be the eye of the storm. I try to be calm in situations of personal stress but I just end up feeling attacked and lash out at whomever is closest (which is funny because in other stressful situations [emergencies, etc.] I am the calmest person there is). I'm just going to keep remembering all the support that I've received here and from my bestie and I think everything will be okay. S can only make me feel bad if I let her, and I refuse to let her.

And ketto, you're right. I am really looking forward to going on this trip - it's been almost four years since I went anywhere and I love to travel! - so that's pretty much the entire reason why. I love exploring new places and taking photographs and I've never been to Montreal or Quebec City or Saint-Jean (we're going to all three!) so I'm super excited. I'm not going to let S take away my dignity or my sense of fun. No way, no how. She can be a baby but I'm not going to let her bring me down.

[ketto]

I agree with candycane. It can be so fucking hard to keep your mouth shut but usually it's worth it in the end. It sounds like you're really looking forward to the trip so hopefully all goes well and everyone can just let sleeping dogs lie.

[candycane_girl]

rogue, I think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes, as tempting as it is to tell someone what you think it's better just to stay quiet. For one thing, no one can accuse you of trying to start shit. And for another, you really are being the bigger person.

[rogue]

Update: I have decided that I am not going to e-mail her anything even remotely close to an apology, or even at all. I've done nothing wrong in this situation and I'm not going to cater to her anymore. I'm going to be my awesome self on this trip and if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. If she even mentions anything in the car I am going to calmly say, "You know what, S? That's in the past and I'm over it. I'm not going to discuss it on this trip because it's neither the time nor the place. In fact, I'm not going to discuss it with you at all." If she keeps pressing the issue, in go the headphones and on go the tunes. I have found from the past that it doesn't matter if you try to explain yourself with people like her - it just doesn't work. They don't care about how you feel, they just want you to feel guilty and manipulate you to come to their point of view, and that just won't be possible if I have music blasting in my ears and a good book on my lap, now will it?

[rogue]

See, that's what I was thinking too, coffee. Last night I drafted out this whole message I could send her but I decided to sleep on it because it was so - blunt. As in, blunt to the point of being mean, even though that wasn't the intent. So I didn't send it and talked to my mother about it this morning and she was like, "Don't you dare e-mail her! It's not your responsibility, you aren't the one who caused the mess regarding her wedding!" and so I think I might follow her - and your! - advice. I'm definitely not going to start anything - the whole context of the message was that this isn't about her - it's about her brother; it's A's Big Day, as I have been referring to it. It would be incredibly unkind to to something like that to him and I refuse to.

So yes. I completely agree. I don't think I'm going to say anything. I spoke to my bestie about it this morning and she was like, "Uh, you have a twelve-hour long car ride. Discuss it then." Haha. I think that would be worse but I'm not planning on making this awkward. You're right. If she can't handle her own emotions that's really saying something. If she does act like a brat though, I'm definitely going to put her in her place. Nicely, of course. =P

[coffeebean]

(((rogue)))

I just read your post about the recent conversation you had with your stepmom - WTF? I feel pissed for you!

Why is it up to you to solve this problem and make sure that your stepsister is okay? It really sounds as though the whole family has treated your stepsister with kid gloves and that she is not used to not getting what she wants (this was clear from what happened with the wedding). At this point your stepsister doesn't even sound emotionally old enough to handle being married! To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to make this trip about you and her - even though you have made a concerted effort to not get into it.

It also says a lot about your stepmother if she can't realize that asking you to write your stepsister a letter means that she is asking you to swallow what your STEPSIS did to YOU - why can't the family just accept that you and your stepsister don't have to be besties - you just have to be civil.

I say don't give in - yes be the bigger person on the trip - but your stepsister also needs to learn how to handle herself and her emotions all on her own like a big girl! Gah!

[rogue]

Ugh, life.

I called my dad/stepfam tonight to talk about how we are going to meet up to head up to Montreal next week and I was speaking to my stepmother before speaking to my father and damn. She actually asked me to "work my magic" on my stepsister to make sure everything is okay on the way up there and that we don't have a drive in total silence for twelve hours. She wants me to write her a letter and fix everything. My response was, "Are you kidding me?!" to which she replied, "No." Bah.

I might message her and be like, this isn't about you or whatever happened with your wedding, it's about A, your brother, and I care about him and this is his day, so don't be retarded. The end. But it's just so convoluted. New mantra: Be The Bigger Person, Be The Bigger Person, Be The Bigger Person.

Funny thing is, I thought I would be stressed about this, but I'm not, really. More irked than anything that she's twenty-five and can't deal with her own shit and has to go through our respective parents instead of actually getting a pair and talking to me like a civil human being instead. Grow up, please.

[rogue]

Haha, I totally forgot about that, CCG! I saw that movie a loooong time ago - what is the context of that line? It's Gwenyth Paltrow's and Luke Wilson's characters, I think - definitely correct me if I'm wrong. And she's adopted or something, isn't she? Note to self: download and rewatch The Royal Tenenbaums.

And no, I'm not actually in love with my stepbrother. This all just recently came to light though - since I lived with him for a month-and-a-half this summer and was talking to people about how much he just doesn't bother with me. When J (nice stepbrother) took me in, we hung out all the time and talked all the time and generally acted as siblings do, even though we have no blood relation between us at all (but our family has been combined for the past twenty-one years, so you know, we kind of are all like real siblings). A (not-so-nice stepbrother) didn't bother with me. He was purposefully never around, he brought home a different girl every night (I'm totally not exaggerating here), and when he did talk to me it was so obviously forced. So I was talking to people about it and even my own mother was like, "Maybe he likes you but doesn't want to say anything about it because his mother and your father would have a fit so he just acts like he hates you." That's when I was like WTF because my mother is very intuitive and knows her shit. I don't know, it's all convoluted and odd. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about anyway, it's just interesting to think about because it would be strange to go from thinking someone hates you to knowing they actually love you. That would be odd.

[candycane_girl]

rogue, as opposed to Clueless it kind of made me think of The Royal Tenenbaums, especially one line "I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other, Richie, and leave it at that." Of course, something tells me that you aren't actually in love with your stepbrother.

Anyway....

[culturehandy]

Splendor, that is great news about your cousin!!! Her ex isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer is he now. I know from my previous line of work that someone will turn him in. Nothing speaks greater volume than the almighty dollar.

Rogue, I hope things turn out well!!!

Madamehooch, (((((madame))))))) Well, my mother and I have gotten into some real blowouts (that have also turned violent). I'm with the others, is there anyway you can move out on your own or with the b/f? I'm sure you have loyalties to your mom because she's your mom, but I also believe that there comes a time when you cannot remain in a toxic relationship with someone, whether they are family or not. have you spoken to your mother since this occured?

[ketto]

Splendor, that's fantastic that they were able to save her arm. What an idiot, why would you post on a public networking site?! Hopefully that will help the police to track him down quickly.

Roque, it sounds like you've thought a lot about the trip. I was just reading over your posts, and it seems like you're feeling a lot more positive about it now. Hopefully it will be seen as a way to reach out to your step family. That's funny that more than one person has mentioned that he's possibly attracted to you.

Madame, I'm with seven too. Paperboy's mom can be really manipulative and loves to play the guilt trip card. It drives me nuts. I really like his mom, but I hate when she pulls shit like that. I grew up in a household where people said what they meant. The first time paperboy tried to pull that guilt stuff on me I think it backfired because I was the one who ended up in tears.

[rogue]

((((Madame))) That really sucks about your mom. I can't believe that she would say something like that to you - the whole "you'll be sorry" statement. That stuff doesn't sit well with me and I'm sorry that you have to put up with it. My mother and I are pretty close but we get into arguments at times, but nothing like that. How are things going now? I hope things are better now, even if only a little. I agree with seven - I think you did the right thing by getting out of there - if I've learned one thing this year it's that I - and no one else - should ever have to put up with anyone else's shit. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Seven's whole post is pretty darn accurate, I think, especially about not being able to fix other people. I've learned that this year, too.

And persi - you are hilarious! I love your "HA! I knew it!" re: my stepbrother. The more I think about things since people have been mentioning what they think of the situation (my mother, two best friends, and my hairdresser all think he's secretly liked me for years), the more I think that it could be probable. I just keep thinking back to how it was when I was living with my stepfamily two years ago and one specific event - my BF and I were home alone at the time and getting ready to go out and so we decided to just get in the shower together. My dad's house has a very strange layout - it has two bathrooms, the one upstairs has the bathtub and the one downstairs has the shower, and the downstairs bathroom is right next to the door we use to enter the house. Anyway, BF and I were just finishing up in the shower when A, my stepbrother came home. BF left the bathroom first and then I did once I had toweled off and dressed. No one else but the three of us were home and so no one else would have known about us showering together (and who cares, we were grown adults anyway!) but that night when BF and I came home my dad sat me down and ragged me out over it because A had ratted on us for no reason. Why would he do that? I don't get it. It's just weird. This whole thing is weird. I have to confess, a little piece of me wants to go to Montreal next week just to see if he will look at me/talk to me when we go to his grad. Again - not messing anything up, I would never dream of it! - but I just want to see how he acts because I have never considered the idea of him liking me before and I want to see if there are any clues to pick up on that I might not have noticed before. It's intriguing. I'm sure nothing would ever come of it, but it's an interesting theory. It would kind of be like a movie or something - Clueless anyone?

[Persiflager]

((MadameHooch)) What a horrible situation. Could you move out, either alone or with your boyfriend? It sounds like almost anything would be better than continuing to love with your mother.

((splendorfamily)) Hoping ex-scum's stupidity leads to a quick capture.

((rogue)) I'm glad you talked to your Dad and that he thinks everything will be ok, and I hope you can travel up with your other stepbrother. Also, ha! I knew it. That's why he had such a problem with you when your bf was staying with you.

[sevenseconds]

((((((((Madame))))))))

I wish this post did not provoke so much anger and blinding memories of my own family so I could offer some sober and responsible support (since I'm wide awake). But as it is, your mother is obviously extremely manipulative and derives some sort of emotional reward from pushing you, from making you feel guilty and proving you weak. So it was the rightest thing you could do to remove yourself from her toxic field. Whatever she's gone and did, (and she's most likely listening to the phone ring and punishing you), you may be sad, but you should not feel sorry or guilty. (It's horrible when people threaten other people with what they're about to do... That's such manipulative bullshit...)

One thing that I try to remember when dealing with this is that we cannot fix other people. We can't, it's impossible. So it's useless to feel guilty for not doing something that is impossible to do. It's not our job to save our parents, babe. I know.

And whatever awful answer you gave, you were reacting. And she probably needed to hear it. You didn't plan to hurt another, you were saving yourself. It's a reflex.
(Hey, you used words, at least you didn't break the bottle in her head.)

That's all I can say, you're not a bad daughter, Madame Hooch. You're good.