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> Separation...can it help?
umeko
post Sep 16 2006, 02:40 PM
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((loridk))
Sounds like a tough situation. From my experience, if someone is irrationally jealous about their partner and always worried about them cheating it is because they have the capability of doing it themselves. I'm not trying to scare you into thinking that he is...but perhaps he has with past relationships (or has been hurt before) and has a fear of it happening to him. I trusted my bf 100% but just found out that he cheated on me in the first year of our relationship, several times. It puts into perspective the time he got so mad at me because an ex was calling (whom I had once been quite obsessed over), even though I never called the ex back. But he was so worried about something happening even though I never gave him a reason to not trust me.

Maybe I'm just jaded by my own issues right now. I also do not have children which puts a whole different perspective on the situation. Do you have someone you can stay with for a few days or a week? A family member or friend? Maybe just a break would help so that he knows you are serious about your feelings and he can realize how difficult it is to be raising the children almost on your own. It certainly sounds like he needs something to motivate him again into working on your family life. Good luck hun!
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loridk
post Sep 11 2006, 08:33 AM
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From: Canada


That's exactly it, they are HIS kids too. I told him that if we do separate, he will be the only one to care for them on his days. I will not be there to pick up his slack. He seems to think he'll be fine.

It's not that he's never with the kids though. He's the "fun" parent. He just doesn't want to have to do the other stuff. When he was layed off for a couple months and I was working, he did awesome. He took care of the kids, cleaned and managed things well. Once he went back to work though, he thinks he doesn't have to do anything. The way I see it is, while he's at work or sleeping, it's my job to take care of them. When he is home, it's fair game and we both need to handle them.

I just think a few days of him being the sole caregiver, while I do whatever I please, will whip him into shape. Either that or a hard-assed British nanny will!

No, we don't go to counseling. We probably should but he's very resistant to it. He's also the type that will listen and agree he should be doing this and that but never end up actually doing it. Arghh!!!
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girlygirlgag
post Sep 11 2006, 06:12 AM
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I know this is going to sound cheesy, but you need a Nanny 911 or Super Nanny. Pissy because HE has to watch the kids HE helped create? What a fucker!

Do you guys go to counseling?


--------------------
Constantly on.
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loridk
post Sep 11 2006, 03:02 AM
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(((Dandelion)))


Lately my husband and I have been throwing around the idea of separating for awhile. Well, more like I have been throwing around the idea and he "doesn't care" when he's mad. We have been together since we were pretty young (I was 16, him 18) and I feel almost like we've grown into different people. Before we were married I gave him a chance to re-think everything. I explained that I will always be the person I am. If I'm too "free spirited" for him, it's still going to be the same later. I had the feeling that he thought I would get older and become more June Cleaver-like. He complains about everything from the kids, to money, to the house being a mess but doesn't do much to change anything. He also is pretty anti-social. He wants to stay home all the time, which is fine by me, but he gets all pissy when I want to go out with my friends. It's not that he cares I'm out, he just cares that he has to watch the kids. He complains that he doesn't go out, yet I told him he can go out whenever he'd like. Just give me a heads up a few days beforehand and it's fine. I want him to have a good time. Also, I am not the jealous type at all. He can talk and hang out with whomever he's like. I trust him to have enough respect for me not to ever cheat or anything like that. I expect the same from him though. He says he's not jealous at all but I can tell he is. It's like he has this fear I will leave him for someone else. The way I see it is, I love him and would never disrespect him like that. If he feels that I'm looking for something better, then he should be the "something better". I'm rational with him and very open with my feelings so he knows what I want. I don't need things to be perfect but I do need us to know the problem and work at it.

I think that if we had some time apart, it may help. He needs to realize that not everyone will be so tolerant of his behavior. I want him to realize that I love him and will be with him as long as he treats me well but I will not just sit around and be treated like crap. There are other men out there that will treat me well. Other men, aren't even an issue yet though.

I think all this may be coming from me finally getting out of the house and having fun. I'll go out with my girlfriends and have fun. Lately at work (before I quit) and out a few guys have expressed interest (before they knew I was married). When I go home and my husband acts like an irrational asshole, I wonder why I'm putting up with it...

Sorry to rant, I just don't know what to think anymore. Anyone else want to share their thoughs?
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dandelion
post Aug 28 2006, 08:19 AM
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Thanks so much for responding. I know what you mean, and I wish sometimes I could do that, tell him if he leaves I won't be waiting. I'm so confused about the whole thing. I mean, this is the third time this is happening, so it feels like I am living in a bad soap opera. And it's hard to respect myself too, letting him leave and come back. At the same time, I think the space will be good for me. My therapist said it's time to focus on myself. There are things I need to do to get my life on track. And it's hard to do it with him here because I am literally all he has here and this relationship is suffocating. But I feel like, the whole thing is probably hopeless and that if he comes back, he's just going to leave again anyway when things go bad. He is supposedly coming back in two months. He agreed to go to counselling when he returns. I really want that because I think a third party listening to his crap would have to talk some sense into him. How can anyone think that relationship problems are 100% someone else's fault? He doesn't take responsibility for anything. I just have to be strong now, no matter what, and take care of myself.
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hopey
post Aug 24 2006, 10:41 AM
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(((dandelion)))

sounds to me like he's being a little manipulative... he expects you will be there when he gets back.

maybe it's time for you to make a clean cut and NOT be there? I think it will be hard for you, but in the end it will make you a stronger person. not just in regards to this relationship, but future relationships... even current ones with co-workers, family members, etc.

you'll need a good support network of friends to have your back, and lots of things to distract you. I have a friend that took up belly dancing and yoga, don't know if the activities specifically helped, but it gave her something else to think about 4 nights a week!

I'm crossing my fingers for you, whatever you decide.
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dandelion
post Aug 24 2006, 08:12 AM
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Hi, I think I started this thread a wayyy long time ago, maybe under a different name. My husband of two years is about to leave, to go back to his home country in europe...this is the third time it's happened. He wants to come back early December, don't even know why he chose such a random amount of time. The whole thing is a big mess. I'm just barely hanging on here, trying to function, to perform at my job tho I don't like it...i am really bad at separation and break ups, it always feels like my universe is falling apart and i can't look at it rationally or have any dignity. and I dont' even know what to think about this. I'm sure at this point, I should just accept that it should be over. I mean, how many times am I going to go through this? I'm sad because I'm getting older, I really want a family...it's all so complicated. He's been this huge part of my life for 6 years, even through times we weren't together and he was living in europe...and it's been great but also, so painful. I'm mad at myself because he's convinced it's all my fault and I almost believe it, and I keep thinking I just want to go back to the day he came here to live and things were good. But then I realize, of course it's not all my fault and it's two people in a relationship, and why would I even want to be with someone that keeps leaving. I just wish i were stronger. Anyway, I just needed to vent.
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hopey
post Aug 9 2006, 02:08 PM
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(post removed by member)
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p_176
post Jul 20 2006, 11:05 AM
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From: Baltimore


noot - moving out in order to fix things, in my situation, is definitely a change of thought process. i agree - i always saw a break up as 'see ya' not 'let's try to fix it'. but since it was an engagement, i thought i should at least try. sometimes i miss him, and other times, i want to smack him.
and of course, to complicate things, i am dating someone else......who i met afterward....
look at what else is going on - no it's not always just about finances. you mentioned you can't get straight answers out of him - that's a red flag. communication is important.
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noot
post Jul 15 2006, 03:29 PM
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My boy and I just decided to move into separate homes without breaking up but I wonder if it's going to work out or not... Our place is fantastic and cheap for what we have, but he's leaving on short notice to move back to his parent's place, of all things.
It's hard not to feel rejected by this... he says it's for financial reasons, ie: he can't afford to pay rent right now and needs to get some debts paid off, but then he says it's only for the rest of the summer, which would save him oh, 400$ total... this just doesn't add up to me, but getting straight answers out of him is next to impossible.
I can't help but think that moving out after approx 2yrs together is a sign of more than finances. It feels like the first step in breaking up... Can a relationship really get better by taking steps backwards? I've always been a forge-ahead type gal, the kind that plows on through till things either get better or come crashing down, so this is a new way of thinking for me... separations and breaks to me have always meant See Ya!
I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but moving out just seems like such a drastic move... Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but really, doesn't moving out (esp. when returning to a parent's basement) say "I'm just not all that interested anymore" ?
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seraphine
post Jul 3 2006, 12:03 PM
Post #11







Have faith in yourself. This will give you time to heal from that, and to figure out exactly what YOU want to do. I think you did the right thing. Sometimes, however hard it may seem, a bit of space can be very benificial to both sides. Don't feel that you are not together enough to date, but also don't rush into something if you don't feel ready. Just listen to yourself, and you will know what to do.

Best wishes. (((p_176)))
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p_176
post Jul 3 2006, 07:51 AM
Post #12


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 532
From: Baltimore


well, now he's moved out....it was an awkward weekend, vascillating between being nice to each other and hanging out, to flipping out over something small.
i'm glad he moved out, and that it was relatively easy for him to find an affordable place (because if not, that would have been sooo hard, and probably the deal breaker)...but i am still a little lonely...so therefore am trying to avoid this guy whom i know is interested in dating me...can't afford to clutter my life any more right now....but i'd prefer to have the option to date if [the ex and i] want...hopefully things will work out the way they are supposed to soon!
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msgoofball
post Jun 23 2006, 10:29 AM
Post #13


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 322
From: Agoura, CA


i think you are doing the right thing for you...he may not think so since he's so 'in love' that he's blind..but space can be a good thing. just my two cents.
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p_176
post Jun 22 2006, 09:21 AM
Post #14


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 532
From: Baltimore


bump....i told him it was a break up not just a him-moving-out thing; he thought we were still going to be exclusively dating, and i think we need space. he's so blinded by being in love, that he thinks this love is going to solve the problems....i don't think that way....am i being too harsh?
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p_176
post Jun 12 2006, 01:29 PM
Post #15


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Posts: 532
From: Baltimore


seraphine -
he pays for his bills mostly, with the exception of cable/internet. (cable/internet will be cancelled when he moves out in a few weeks).
he's got a history of job hopping...which i might not care about as much except for the fact that he's hitting 40 and should be more stable.
he contributes to the household by helping with renovations - but then he gets all upset if the renovations are not absolutely perfect...but he's not paying for it, and it's really insulting when he secondguesses renovations i approved. he does not save money (he has some going toward retirement, but no more than $20 in a savings account) - he uses his credit debt and tuition as excuses for not saving money. if he were more upfront about his financial situation, i might feel better - but we had agreed that he would contribute a certain amount toward groceries and electric bill - but he has not done that. he just does not follow up with things without being reminded, and i'm not his mother.
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seraphine
post Jun 12 2006, 10:55 AM
Post #16







p_176, what kind of money arguments? Is he not picking up the slack and contributing his share?

Given that it is your home, I believe that you are justified in telling him that he needs to find an alternate living arrangement for a little while, while you two are figuring out your plans and feelings. Often times this can be due to lack of romance (if you are into romance... I am a hopeless romantic, myself!) and asking him to 'date' you again might help as well.

My boyfriend (practically fiance) and I live together with mutual friends, though I aquired the room for rent first, and later he moved in. He used to spout out vile, derogatory terms towards me when he got angry. I told him that if he EVER called me those things again he was out, gone, living elsewhere. Just by my tone he knew I was serious. He's never crossed that line again.

So sticking to your word and feelings is very important! It will also make him understand that perhaps he has something to do with the problem (duh, mister!). =)

All of you ladies should REALLY check out this book: "It's (Mostly) His Fault (For Women Who Are Fed Up, and the Men Who Love Them)" by: Robert Mark Alter. Written by a married MALE psychologist and a very very helpful book. I -highly- recomend it!

Good luck, everyone!
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p_176
post May 23 2006, 06:59 AM
Post #17


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 532
From: Baltimore


morning!
my fiance and i have been having arguments (esp over money)forever. i told him the other night that i did not wnat to get married (at least not at this point), and that he should move out until we can clear things up and figure out what we are going to do. he thought i was kidding when i said he should move out, but i am sticking to it. (i own my house, and he moved in last summer, after a snafu with moving in with roommates - he was supposed to get an apt but has not, and he's not really contributing financially). it really sucks to try to unravel things now but i am feeling much better already, after pondering it for awhile.
the only thing that may complicate it is the fact that i am interested in the guy who redid the basement at my house...but that situation remains to be seen
i'm really glad i found the bust lounge.
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