[knorl05]

owl: you are not a fraud by any means. issues with food is issues with food. you may be surprised to know that most bulimics are not underweight, which makes it harder to detect when someone has this particular ed. preoccupation with food and having a poor relationship with it is not good for anyone. especially for someone who used to feel more comfortable in their skin than not. it sounds like you've got more going on with your self esteem and self perception than just your weight. it sounds like your weight is like an "easy out"... or something you can focus on to validate your negative feelings about yourself or your relationship. i would explore those feelings..determine what it is -really- that's bothering you about your man and the dynamic between the two of you, and then communicate that with him. sound pretty accurate? i dont want to assume.......


boo. so i binged/puked again a couple days ago. stress eating perhaps, or drunk eating. because i've only relapsed three times, two of which i was drinking. being sober, i'm conscious and aware of my eating and what i want.. but when i'm drinking, food tastes so good and then i get it in my head that i *can* puke simply because it's not so abnormal to puke while partying. that's awful i realize. just have to remember at all times that the more i do it, the more it will be easy for me to fall back into that pattern/lifestyle and it is something that i do not want at all. what i'd rather have... is to be able to maintain my recovered state and apply myself to greater things. so yeah.

[Owl_Gang_Girl]

Ok I feel like a bit of a fraud here but I'm starting to worry about how much I think about food. I started when I split up with my old boyfriend. I was working most days until 1 or until 8 and I wouldn't eat then I'd go home and eat a slice of toast then go out drinking and dancing most nights or sit in a cafe smoking and drinking black tea. I lost about 2 stone. Then I started seriously watching what I ate. Porridge for breakfast, black tea at work, oat cake and a stock cube for lunch and then some fruit and a slice of dry toast for dinner. Then my ex took me out to dinner and told me he was seeing someone else. I ran out of the restaurant, got home as fast as I could and ran to the bathroom to make myself sick. I've always been a fat girl so my Mum was pleased at first when I lost weight but then she rarely saw me eat anything and the pained faces I'd pull when I had to eat infront of my her and my Father really worried her. She got my brother to have words with me which shook me up. I started eating again. Badly.
I eat and eat and eat and I've went back up in weight some bit. Although my clothes still fit me from when I first lost the weight every time I look at myself I feel fatter than I was before. I think about every meal and every mouthful but it doesn't stop me from eating bad food. I'm not talking just white bread and the odd biscuit here and there I'm talking sugar, ice cream, chips the works. I hate myself for it and although I'm madly in love with my boyfriend I'm starting again to think every time he seems even slighty off with me that he's starting to pull away because I'm getting so fat. I hate it. I never used to care what people thought of my weight.
I feel like if I don't take control of my emotions pretty soon I'll be purging and self harming again but there is a major part of me that thinks "well good, it's better than getting any fatter".
I guess I just wish I knew someone in my position who was a big girl with food issues then maybe I wouldn't feel like such a faker.

[sassygrrl]

Bad night. Doing some binging. I'm hoping this is also a temporary thing. I'm fighting a lot with my boyfriend, and I'm just getting over the whole holiday thing. I got very depressed, hence the binging. I'm hoping I don't purge. Yet, I've gained a lot of weight over the holidays, and it pisses me off. argh!

[knorl05]

so i'm thinking i was stress eating.. because even though i had a large appetite, i was not inclined to binge. i also did not enjoy the act of eating so much. it was just that i was overly hungry, which could also have a lot to do with my holiday partying. hmm.

update. i've not fallen off the wagon. it was just a temporary thing i felt like i needed to do. now that i'm recovered, i see that i do not enjoy the cycle at all. it brings me no pleasure and no pain. it does nothing for me except alleviate the anxiety i felt about eating too much. what i see... is that hunger pangs fade and as long as i eat healthy and consistently, i have no reason to freak out about putting on excessive pounds.

[knorl05]

relapsed!! last night and i'm going to again in a little bit. i've been taking antidepressants that have nullified my appetite lately... and i've not really taken them these past couple days... so my cravings have been huge. only good foods like fresh veggies... nuts... tuna... chicken... whatever... but voracious nonetheless. add alcohol and that was all i did whenever i could last night. it was so annoying being excited about food and eating again . i havent been that way in like two years. so i just got done binging. about to purge. do i have to? no. do i want to? no. but i hate hate hate this full feeling!! and i dont want to put on weight when i've been so good about controlling my eating and exercising. arg. this will pass.

how is everyone else? especially with the holidays?

[sassygrrl]

I also binge eat when stressed. I'm trying to make a list of things that are better to do that binge, but sometimes in that mood it's had to control. I find that therapy is helping. I realize it's the holidays, and it's a stressful time. I ate a whole carton of ice cream yesterday, because I was mad at Mcgeek and pissed off at my job, whatever excuse to fill in blank. I then worked out for an hour, and threw up.

Fuck.

[lananans]

thanks knorl. I know I can... I just get discouraged. Its not to the point where I need to seek treatment, I'm going to try to get back on track after the New Year... tonight was just an especially bad night and my mom had given me a stocking convieniently filled with chocolate. Thanks for the encouraging words, it really helps.

[knorl05]

you can change it lananans, if you really want to. but if you tell yourself you cant, you wont be able to. you have to believe in yourself and know that how you respond to stressful situations isnt helping matters. what we emotional eaters have to learn is how to control our emotions and apply them appropriately to situations. if you feel it is a serious complication in your life, i would suggest psychotherapy or hypnotherapy... but if you dont see it as that big of a deal, i'd say just try to remain more conscious of your feelings the next time you reach for a box of chocolates.

[lananans]

I don't know if this is the right thread, but when I get really stressed I binge eat. I just got into a huge fight with my brother and I ate about an entire box of chocolates. When I get stressed at school I tend to head straight for the ice cream and eat an entire tub of Ben&Jerry's Half Baked. I can't control it, it feels completely involuntary. I hate that I do this to myself, but I always do, and i don't think I can change it.

[knorl05]

maybe: are you drinking enough water? i've read before that many times our bodies misinterpret thirst for hunger..? especially if you work out a lot and are super active, you're going to want to stay hydrated.

ophelia: good call. i've found that to be the most helpful as well, having a more peaceful state of mind. it is all connected for sure. i'd say continue on in that direction...

[opheliathemuse]

Oy. I just sort of ate way more than I meant to today. oops. No exercise has been making me really nervous.

Sparrow, maybe try it a little bit at a time? I know it's really really hard to hold onto the knowledge that eating and working out are both normal things and do not have to interconnect so much....eating should be enjoyable. Working out should be enjoyable. I'm on this kick where I'm thinking of things in terms of very zen-like moments. Enjoy. Own the moments. Do not control. But experience. I'm rambling on but I know where you are and it's so very hard to just tell that section of your head to shut the hell up and enjoy the ice cream until you feel done with it or exercise until your muscles feel exercised, not aching.

[MaybeSparrow]

I am stuck in a bad cycle of eating too much and beating the hell out of myself at the gym. I'm hungry because I do so much, but I feel like I have to do it because I eat so much. Damn cycle. I need a break.

[opheliathemuse]

see, I try extra super hard to make sure I have a SUPER balanced diet since I am a veg and multiple health issues, but around my period I go insane with cravings, and generally for meat especially.
It kind of coincides with anxiety and depression too.
Thank you for responding knorl and Sparrow =)

[knorl05]

opheliathemuse: sounds like you're binging on certain foods because your body is lacking nutrients in addition to the compulsion of the disorder. i've read and learned that specific cravings typically mean your body is lacking [iron, sodium, lipids, etc]. i know that doesnt seem to help matters.. but just something to keep in mind as another reason to eat a closer to balanced diet even if you are restricting.

[MaybeSparrow]

Ophelia: I know it doesn't make it better, but we've all done it. You can't do as much damage as you'd think in a week. I wish there was something to say to make it better, but I know that sometimes you just regret it and thats that. Sometimes I'll go for a long walk and then write in my journal to try and sort things out. It will be okay.

[opheliathemuse]

I just binged like some kind of animal this week. I'd been so proud of being very very thin. and then I just ate a bunch of meat which I never do and now I can't stop binging on chips and things in order to stave off the horrid thoughts of loneliness and suicide and things like that I know I should be strong enough to live through.

[MaybeSparrow]

I obsess over food like none other. I get anxiety about food related events, and I spend hours looking at "food-porn" blogs, even though I don't let myself eat any of that stuff.

This weekend, my bf's parents visited and brought massssss amounts of "bad" food, and I just about had a panic attack, knowing it would be in the house, and feeling guilty for ruining their kind gesture.

(((((Everyone))))) I hope things are going well.

[crinoline]

knorl0- That's right, girl!! Why should you care what senseless people think? And sometimes a brownie is just a brownie, not a war. (but jeebus, sometimes it is a war) I hope you're doing well, thinking positive.

saebrielle- " I eat and eat and eat. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking "hey! I COULD be eating!" I get incredibly strong hunger signals. I hate myself. I don't know how to stop this. I don't understand why this has happened. Has anyone gone through this in the transition out of anorexia to wellness?" Yeah, I have a problem with thinking about food constantly. It seems that the less I am allowing myself to eat, the more I think about it. If I'm not eating, then I am obsessively planning my next meal or "snack" or whatever. Those are the bad days. I think it's just part of the whole vicious cycle of ED. (apologies for the cliche). The important thing is NOT to hate yourself, struggling with an ED does NOT make you a bad person. Now I just need to practice what I preach, lol.

As for me, I'm kind of in limbo. I haven't purged in a month (yay!). BUT I have binged (boo!). I still have negative thoughts and compulsions. My best friend, a pro-ana fashion major who recently gained some weight herself, commented that I wear everything too tight, which I took to mean that I have noticeably gained weight and my clothes don't fit. But sometimes she just says things like that to make herself feel better, so it's hard to tell. Ugh. Anyway, I'm holding onto my control by a thread, but it seems positive.

How is everyone else doing? ((((((ED Busties))))))

[knorl05]

i dont fucking care anymore.
i dont care about useless senseless people and their opinions.
i dont care whether or not i measure up to someone else's limited &or mindless standards.
i dont care if people accept me or not for looking a certain way.
i dont care if bitches hate.
i dont care if guys wanna fuck me.
i dont care if i eat a big fat juicy brownie.

yeah. soo.
how is everyone else?

[saebrielle]

okay, jesus CHRIST. I've been anorexic for four years. Not deathly anorexic, but definitely falling into the clinical definition of it. A few weeks ago, something suddenly snapped. I have no idea what in hell happened. I've been binging. I've done some purging. I've binged and then purged, or binged without purging. It's gotten to the point where this happens nearly every day.

I eat and eat and eat. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking "hey! I COULD be eating!" I get incredibly strong hunger signals. I hate myself. I don't know how to stop this. I don't understand why this has happened. Has anyone gone through this in the transition out of anorexia to wellness?