[kittenb]

celimene - the end of your post just made me love you.
Thanks to the world of on-line dating, I have had more dates this year then ever before, and I am not sure what I thought I was missing. It is just not as fun as I thought it would be and I am more than a little frustrated. I am not sure what I should do next.

[bklynhermit]

i am officially tired of being single.

my roommate (who i do have feelings for, it's true) is on a date. i am ok with this. i understand (in my mind if not in my heart) that he doesn't have feelings for me and that we'll never be together. that's not what's bothering me.

what's bothering me is the knowledge that i will always be alone. nobody has ever loved me. i have been in love three times. all three were unrequited. watching my roommate date other people is like being in a wheelchair and watching your friends run marathons. i want to run marathons! i do! and i've tried a thousand times, but it seems like there's just something about me that prevents it from happening. i don't know exactly what's wrong, but the bottom line is that i am completely unlovable. i will never be loved. i will always be alone.

i know that there's nothing wrong with not being part of a couple. i know that it's possible to be completely fulfilled and happy and also single. believe me, i do. i've certainly had enough happy single years (and enough shit relationships) to understand that.

it's not fulfillment i'm looking for, anymore than a paraplegic is looking for fulfillment in the desire to walk. i just want to be loved. i want someone to share my life with. i want someone who will be there for me when i need it, and who i can take care of when that person needs it. i want the physical presence of someone next to me, walking the same path. i want to have sex that is meaningful. i want the sensation of two heads being better than one. i don't want a knight in shining armor so much as i want a fellow traveler. and even that is denied to me.

i don't even get to have a cat!