[Kalevra]

Ok.....no-one has replied to this question presented by Katiebelle......anyone mind if I have a go...?

[anna k]

I would think dating casually and not expecting kissing to go right into sex.

[katiebelle2882]

i am 24 so what i would like to know is: what exactly is "courtship". i mean, i actually dont even have a concept.

[Kalevra]

princess....no real pressure from outside, but have just considered the obvious....lets say I meet "The One" tomorrow, we marry in a year, and kids will no doubt be a requirement somewhere along the line...give or take a few years..(unless I get into a ready-made family ) and suddenly I am 40....when kids are 20, I am 60.....mmm, not ideal.

Anyway, I don't dwell on things that 'might be'

As far as your friend is concerned, if it is family pressurising (you have to hate when the ones closest to you are the ones crushing your spirit) there should an opporunity to tell them to back off....but if the pressure is coming from the beau, he should UNDERSTAND when something is not right. communication is a key element.

And of course, I am an expert at all this

[princessinabox]

I hear you guys on the not wanting to settle down thing. I'm approaching 29 and really can't imagine myself making a marriage commitment at this point. I'm sure I'd feel a little different if that "right person" came along. Kalevra, why do you say you "should" settle down? Just curious.

One of my good friends just got engaged (to someone I think is very wrong for her, but that's another story) and right before he proposed she told me how she felt all this pressure to get married. I still have no idea who she felt this pressure from, since she's just the second in our group of friends to get engaged, unless she was getting pressure from her parents. Luckily, my family is not the type to lay on pressure like that.

[Kalevra]

mmmm, seem to be some commonalities here...

I am in a similar predicament, not wanting to settle down (but should) and also would like to have one of those unplanned, unforeseen opportunities come along where you meet someone nice. And over a period of time, the chats, little uneasy feelings and held eye-contact moments start making you miss that person when they are not there, yet there is no rush to move onwards.....
As a guy it is also kinda whacky when you find yourself doing things for that someone, that under different circumstances, you might not make the effort..

Agreed on the courtship thing, the culture here (actually more culture exists in a bowl of yogurt) is defo the 'fast-love' thing....what's the damn rush already?? It's not a race dammit!

[sassygrrl]

Star, yeah I'm approaching 30 in Feb. Not neccessary going thru a mid life crisis yet, but I like you don't just want to settle. That's one good piece of advice that my mother taught me about relationships. Hell, she met my father and told him one their like 3rd date that she didn't want to get married at all. Little did they know, 6 months later.... and 36 years next week.... meeting on a blind date of all places... heh.

I also miss courtship as well. I think it's almost dead in this culture. Even though my relationship with my ex fiancee didn't work out, at least he tried to court me in the beginning. It was a welcome change.

I've heard about that book. I'll have to see if I can find a copy. Thanks!

Got a blind date today actually....

[stargazer]

sassygrrl~i agree that alone time is good. especially if you are unsure what you want. that is how i feel. like i want a relationship, but at the same time, i'm not gonna settle on just anyone. at the age of 30, obviously, i'm in no hurry to settle down yet.

i really miss courtship. just talking with someone, really, and getting to know him. that would be nice. enjoying someone with no expectations or end result.

i don't know if anyone has read the book "quirkyalone." i highly recommend it for the frustrated singles out there.

[sassygrrl]

I don't think I'm desperate. And, I'm not willing at this point of my life to date just any asshole that comes along. I'm just lonely. I mean I really don't want a relationship at this point, but I don't want to be a serial dater either. Most of my long term relationships have lasted 2-3 years, as that is how I roll.

A friend of mine (who I think wants to date me, but that's another story) told me that I should be alone for a while, because I'm probably not ready to give myself completely (in the relationship sense) to that person. I can't figure out if he's right or not.

Then again, I just don't want to be using someone either to fight off my loneliness....

And most self help books are shit, but I really liked the he's not into you one. I really got over dealing with other relationships (family ones). Most of it was simple advice, but I liked it.

[crazyoldcatlady]

hcbeck, i can see that. some people are not serial daters. i've only had one long-term, and other relationships come in about 2-3 year incriments. i'm okay with that, that's how i roll.


but others don't get that. one of my friends, who is married and should know better, always asks me if i'm seeing anyone. i'm thinking, "ok, i've known you since kindergarden, and even though time and distance has diluted our friendship, you should by now that the answer is probably no; i'm not like you."

[stargazer]

flanker~i don't think there's anything wrong with dating. i know some people who would date/hookup very often and along the way found someone. i guess my only concern is that you're not using the person you're dating to avoid being alone, that you truly value the person in front of you even if you don't know how you feel about the person. as long as you're ok with how things are, then i wouldn't care what anyone else thinks.

hcbeck~10 years? wow. everyone has their reason for not being in a relationship for some time. just be honest with the next person. maybe you were busy with some things in your life. or, you just weren't looking for a relationship. there are tons of reasons. if you don't judge yourself, then no one will judge you. plus, if the person does judge, then it is not who you are meant to be with...it's that simple.

the more i talk to people who are in relationships and ask about their stories...the more i know there is not a blueprint to falling in love and being in a relationship. love knows no boundaries. and those self help books are really corrupt. i really despise that section. i'm just trying to have some patience with things. but, still frustrated to be single. ugh. i guess that's why i'm in this thread.

[hcbeck]

Not having had a relationship for a long time is equated with desperation too. I haven't had a relationship for a long time. Now you'll think that I'm not neccessarily desperate. For some people three months is a long time. But what would you think if I said that it's been over ten years? I suppose that's a fact to keep secret for a while. Would it put pressure on a new love...?

[flanker_ji]

I want to know, what's so scary about a little desperation, anyway? Not all of us get psycho because we haven't gotten laid in a while. Is everyone but me willing to date anybody just because we're "desperate"? I don't feel like I'd move too fast with someone I was dating just because I had a little desperation going on initially... I don't know. This has been annoying me, and I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense.

/end rant.

[emtee]

I'm trying to remain positive here- but when my mother tries to feed me that "when you stop looking is when you meet someone" line, my answer is always the same.

Bullsh*t.

[sassygrrl]

Love Serendity. Hell, love any John Cusack movie for that matter.

Found out x wasn't married, but it dating people. I have a date this weekend, but I'm really not very interested in him.

May have to take a break from dating for a while.

[anna k]

I've given myself a moratorium on dating. Usually when I date I either don't see the guys again or they end up as casual friends. Dating can feel like a job interview and not spontaneous or as comfortable as getting to know someone over a period of time and developing a crush on them, which is what I miss. I had that when I attended school, but now I go to a commuter school, live in a hotel, and intern at a magazine. I move around so much that I don't get to develop any relationships with anyone, so everyone is an interchangeable stranger to me. I like someone when I have an emotional connection to them rather than an instant physical attraction to them. It sucks when I can't enjoy casual sex because the person doesn't turn me on enough, but when I know a guy well and like him, I can become very attracted and interested in him. It doesn't seem like it's going to happen now because my life is very transitory right now, but I would like to develop relationships in the future and be able to give my all to someone who I care about and who is deserving of me.

[stargazer]

yeah, i love that movie too. my great grandfather believed it was a "fated coincidence" that he met my great grandmother. talk about a contradiction. when i talk about fate...i guess that people come into our lives for a reason. like i remember with my ex....i saw her at school and thought she was cute...had a little crush on her...months down the road, we ended up working together, became friends, and then dated for a couple of years...if that helps to explain it...

maybe i am just a hopeless romantic...

no wonder i'm a frustrated single!

[dani837]

dani~i agree with you about the whole love thing will happen when you are not looking. i was looking in all of the wrong places and content without any prospects when my last guy walked in. which poses a question in here...does anyone buy into the whole "fate" thing with romance? just curious.

You mean like in the movie "Serendipity"?? ahh i love that movie, so depressing. I hope that that is true!

[stargazer]

well, i guess i have to admit i am a frustrated single. tried to pretend i was happy being single, but, i would like a relationship. not forever really, but at least to have something in the works with a man would be nice.

emtee~amen. i agree with everything you said. from the 3rd wheel comment on down. what is more frustrating is having one of my good friend turn into bridezilla...i just want to scream, "be lucky you have a man willing to pay the crazy ass money you want to spend on a money!" but, i don't.

dani~i agree with you about the whole love thing will happen when you are not looking. i was looking in all of the wrong places and content without any prospects when my last guy walked in. which poses a question in here...does anyone buy into the whole "fate" thing with romance? just curious.

cloverbee~i'm convinced those self-help/dating books are signs of the devil. really. make women feel bad about themselves for the choices they've made. there is someone for everyone. there is no cookbook. speaking of the whole phone number thing....i am skeptical of the whole guy giving you his phone number, especially on a business card...happened with last guy...seemed too smooth for me...similar to the whole comment in the "he's not into you" book...but, then i had another guy do the same thing....he said, "i would like to talk with you. may i give you my phone number and you can decided if you would like to call me?" so, another way to look at it is that the guy is making himself vulnerable to you to call him....he's letting you know he's interested and giving you the control to make the decision how you want things to be....i think it really depends on the guy and the vibe you are gettin' from there....it doesn't hurt to try to call him...you never know where things can go...

getting back to the whole dating thing. i'm not the serial dater type. i tried the whole 'net dating thing and it wasn't really suited to my personality...too forced and contrived...more like an interview...just didn't seem natural...i miss courtship...men not afraid of using the word "date"...

[sassygrrl]

Cloverbee, just got down reading that book. It's pretty good. Pretty common advice, but it was told with a lot of humor.

Ugh. I just found out that one of my exs is getting marrried. I found out from a friend of a friend. This guy was an asshole, but I'm still really fucking bummed.



Just got an email from ex saying he wasn't married.... fuck....