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ginger_kitty
post Apr 28 2006, 07:49 AM
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venetia, my hubby and me do rainchecks also. We are kinda like I am to tired I owe ya.


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venetia
post Apr 27 2006, 06:43 PM
Post #2


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From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Yeah well that's me too, and although I usually have a reasonable sex drive, if I'm not at all in the mood I have sex anyway because I know that I'll have fun - it's like swimming, for me, I just have to make the effort to get my gear off and dive in. I don't want to ever get out of the habit of having sex at least once a day.

If the worst comes to the worst my partner or I will say that the other (non-tired) person has to "do all the work", so the tired, not in the mood person gets lots of attention and oral and whatever. That arrangement works for us. Occasionally we reschedule if we're both tired. But I don't think everyone's like this.
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ginger_kitty
post Apr 27 2006, 04:56 PM
Post #3


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For me, I have a pretty healthy sex drive, only 1 or 2x a week and I would be like a wild animal stalking my husband. Thoughts of sex would overcome my brain!

But still just a little makeout seesion from time to time would be nice. Even if I do change my mind and want more, sometimes that feeling of wanting more and waiting a few hours/days makes for the best sex!


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 27 2006, 11:27 AM
Post #4


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From: Vancouver, Canada


miss b-- i am the same, if i didn't work on it, it wouldn't happen at all! the 1-2x/wk that is happening is because i am trying! but i totally agree that the more you do it, the easier it is to get in the mood, and when i get out of the habit, i could really care less.

lux-- although i see what you are saying, trust me, it IS a compromise on both sides! otherwise there would likely be nothing happening! like i had mentioned earlier, ibs+gradschool+hormonal birthcontrol=next to zero sex drive.

last night, mr. m. was like 'why don't you want to kiss me?' so i told him, and then he seemed a little rejected, but not so bad, and then we made out for a while. it worked out okay, so i guess i just have to keep trying to develop our 'secret' language or way of understanding about it...
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miss_b
post Apr 27 2006, 06:32 AM
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Lux is right though, if I didn't work on trying to get in the mood, even if it isn't always successful, I'd never have sex. I've found that personally its very easy to fall into the habit of not having sex and then the less you do it the less you want it.

MrB and I talk about it alot, which helps. If I'm *really* not in the mood I'll say 'I just want cuddles' and then at least he knows. However if I'm just feeling 'bleh' I'll say 'I don't feel horny but maybe we'll see what happens' and then we feel it out (as it were) from there.
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venetia
post Apr 27 2006, 05:22 AM
Post #6


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From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Maybe it depends on how irrevocable "not in the mood" is for different people? Like old cars. Some of us can cold start and others need to warm up first, and others simply are not going to go at all.
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lux
post Apr 27 2006, 04:00 AM
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From the other end of table:
I have a high ( idon't think unusually high) sexdrive and my girlfriends just disapeared somewhere. No matter how much i like the makeout sessions, it's really hard not to feel dissapointed when it doesn't leed anywhere when you already before that feel like your not getting enough action. Ok, this doesn't mean that you should have sex with someone just to avoid hurting their feelings. But at least in my situation it feels like she just doesn't want to get on the mood. Sometimes it would be a good idea to relax, make a bit of an effort and try to get on the mood. i'm not telling you to fake it, but is it always necessary to hang on to the idea of not being in the mood.

Ok, this might just be my frustration speaking, because i know i have to wait a week before my period ends and there's some chances of getting some. i really don't think it's fair that i'm the only one who has to compromise in the sense of how much sex we're having.

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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 07:25 PM
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From: Oh boobs


It seems so sympathetic. Its like a mercy fuck, and that is not cool.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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ginger_kitty
post Apr 26 2006, 06:09 PM
Post #9


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Midege, culture, I was just lurking in here and I have the same problem with Mr Ginger. Sometimes a sweet makeout session is all I want, and he doesn't seem to get that. We have talked about it also, but once things get going he almost always wants more. Sometimes I give my hubby a bit of a cold shoulder, because I know what is going to happen if I give him an inch.

And I have never been able to have sex just for the sake of having it. If I'm not in the mood, I not in the mood. I refuse to fake it. That seems unfair to both partners, if there is faking going on. But I also feel bad for rejecting him sometimes.


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 26 2006, 05:19 PM
Post #10


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From: Vancouver, Canada


ritzy--good in theory, but just like talking about it, when it actually comes to reality, it isn't that easy.

culture--i'm the same, if i don't feel like it, and don't feel like i can get in the mood, i'm not going to do it just for him...sometimes i'll do other things...but i just don't always feel up for it. what is it with guys? i really like cuddling with him and kissing him, and i don't know why that translates in boy-speak to lets get it on...
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ritzyreese
post Apr 26 2006, 05:12 PM
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Sometimes I think it helps to have a mutual understanding (such as predertermined signs or signals) that help communicate what each person wants out of a snuggle or makeout session. Just kissing or cuddling, as well as sex, are great if you are both on the same level.

You and your guy could have a little bootie grab that says, "hey sexy, wanna get down?" or glasping a hand that says, "I'm glad you're here, but I'm just not into it right now." Both partners can communicate their needs without the confusion of ambiguous (and sometimes misinterpreted) kissing or cuddling.
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ritzyreese
post Apr 26 2006, 05:12 PM
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(Aah, I keep accidentally posting twice.)
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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 02:35 PM
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Midgemcgrath same thing with my partner and myself. Sometimes I only want to snuggle, yes I am flattered that you still highly attracted to me, but there is the big thing called life that gets in the way of ones sex drive.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 02:34 PM
Post #14


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From: Oh boobs


midgemscgrath I am the same way with my partner. Sometimes I can't snuggle without him trying to get in my pants, then he too feels rejected. Then sometimes, just sometimes, I feel bad about saying no, but I still don't have sex if I don't want to.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 26 2006, 10:22 AM
Post #15


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From: Vancouver, Canada


missb--

see, i'd really like for it to be like that, but i seriously feel like sometimes i can't just kiss and snuggle with him because then he wants to do it... and he says he likes to just make out, but then when i stop, he seems rejected. and we've actually talked about it, but it's like when we are talking about it he gets it, and then in the actual situation nothing changes!
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treehugger
post Apr 26 2006, 05:42 AM
Post #16


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ritzyreese~

I'd vote for the just forget about it and focus on what you have now! You weren't anything official and I certainly wouldn't call it "cheating".

Let bygones be bygones. :-)


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miss_b
post Apr 26 2006, 05:01 AM
Post #17


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Midgemcgrath-
me and Mr B have been together 4 years and only manage it about once a week in a good month. We've found that trying to be more intimate and cuddly, without sex in mind, helps. Also going out and having fun together like when we started dating. I was having trouble relaxing (degree, work, money etc) so I do Yoga and some meditation, and try and view Mr B as a person to relax with not someone who'll stress me out.
It takes time, but I think trying to act/feel like you did when you first fell in love helps. Its helping us so far :-)
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 26 2006, 12:00 AM
Post #18


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From: Vancouver, Canada


oh my gosh, how did i not find this thread earlier???

gals, it is sooo comforting to know that so many of you are going through the same thing, you wouldn't believe! myself and mr. midge have been together 3.5 years, and have dropped down to 1-2x/wk depending on how busy we are... i know it bothers him somewhat that my drive is not as good as when we first got together, but i have seriously been trying! i have ibs, am on birth control, and am trying to finish my masters degree, and just am not in the mood very much. it would be okay, except when he tries to initiate and i don't feel like it, he takes it really personally. but damn, i can't just turn it on!

has anyone found anything that has helped get more into it after a while?

ps. ritzy--i get sex insomnia too, though not the exact same situation, but often if i have sex right before going to sleep, it totally takes me hours before i can fall asleep...wtf?!
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ritzyreese
post Apr 25 2006, 10:58 PM
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My guy and I are about to acknowledge six months of being together. We are celebrating the first time we’d drunkenly made out at a party (shame) as the anniversary date. Following the party night, we had one date and he left town for a week, but we were not considering ourselves ‘official.’ During this week, I stupidly made out with a dude from my past. I’d chosen to forget about this slip-up until my current boyfriend and I are now celebrating the anniversary date as the first time we’d hooked up. Now I am feeling as though I’d been unfaithful to him even though we were not boyfriend/girlfriend at the time. Should I tell him about it and change the date? Should I forget about it, not being a big deal, and love the time that I’m with him now?

Thanks for the reply, Pollystyrene.
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ritzyreese
post Apr 25 2006, 10:58 PM
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