The Lounge Guidelines Help Search Members Calendar Blogs

Welcome Guest [ Log In | Register ] ]

13 Pages V  « < 3 4 5 6 7 > »   
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Sex and Long-Term Relationships
tesao
post Nov 29 2007, 11:28 AM
Post #81


olha, que coisa mais linda.....
***
Posts: 1,361
From: somewhere south....VERY south


you two are SO cute! love it!
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Nov 29 2007, 08:46 AM
Post #82







that's right!!! you never saw it coming did you?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Mr Pugs
post Nov 29 2007, 08:33 AM
Post #83


BUSTie
**
Posts: 79
From: Delaware, the butthole of america


QUOTE
you'd be surprised how a good therapist can get them out of the "puss" face and bring them into the conversation. shit, i'd make him go one time. the worst that could happen is that he'd sit there and pout then you just don't bring him back again. at least you tried.


So that's what happened????


*Puts the Puss Face back on...*
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Nov 29 2007, 07:14 AM
Post #84







QUOTE(leathergrl @ Nov 28 2007, 02:19 PM) *
Thankyou SO much for responding! I have been going to counseling. He is not up for the idea. Though if I "make" him then he will go. But that would drive me nuts....forcing him and dealing with the puss on his face the whole time! One suggestion, actually today from my session, was to ask him what he wants from me, from the relationship and then give him a piece of paper(from the therapist) that has descriptive words of different feelings, have him and me circle them privately and then share them and go over them together..Words like bored, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. I think this may at least give me some insight! I will try this by the weekend and see how it goes. I will let you know! smile.gif


you'd be surprised how a good therapist can get them out of the "puss" face and bring them into the conversation. shit, i'd make him go one time. the worst that could happen is that he'd sit there and pout then you just don't bring him back again. at least you tried.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
leathergrl
post Nov 28 2007, 01:02 PM
Post #85


Newbie
*
Posts: 7
From: NH


QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Nov 27 2007, 08:47 AM) *
leathergrl - i feel your pain. mr. pug and i went through a very dry spell for years. we just weren't talking and being honest with one another. really, i wasn't being honest with him about what i wanted sexually. i thought about cheating. we went and talked to a therapist. she helped a little. in the long run, we just needed to explore other aspects of our sexuality. i mean we did the same thing every time and i was bored with it. i don't think mr. pug was. he was happy as long as he was getting laid. i needed more from him.

we've been together over 11 years and i can tell we played with toys early in our relationship. when we started having problems everyone was like, "Get a toy. Go to a sex shop together. Spice things up." what they didn't understand was that we had already done those things.

I never initiated and when we did have sex I felt withdrawn the entire time. I can't imagine how he felt during these sessions. Now, we are both there together the entire time. It's "us" time. We kick our dogs out of the room, turn our phones and the tv off. We set out my favorite vibe (pocket rocket) and lube (silicone). I mean we still have our nights where it is quick and to the point but we still make time for some heavy play.

I know I personally don't like to be asked for sex. I know when Mr. Pug used to be like, "Can we tonight?" that used to drive me crazy. Nothing turned me OFF faster. Maybe you could try just attacking him when his guard is down. Don't give him a chance to say no.

I'd hate to see you leave when everything else is so good in the relationship. I'd definately go and talk to someone first. Like Mr. Pug said, it might just be a hormonal issue with him. They have meds for that now don't they? (can you picture me, the hornball in the doctor's office laugh.gif) Good luck and keep coming back here to vent about it. We're here for you.



Thankyou SO much for responding! I have been going to counseling. He is not up for the idea. Though if I "make" him then he will go. But that would drive me nuts....forcing him and dealing with the puss on his face the whole time! One suggestion, actually today from my session, was to ask him what he wants from me, from the relationship and then give him a piece of paper(from the therapist) that has descriptive words of different feelings, have him and me circle them privately and then share them and go over them together..Words like bored, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. I think this may at least give me some insight! I will try this by the weekend and see how it goes. I will let you know! smile.gif
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Nov 27 2007, 07:30 AM
Post #86







QUOTE(leathergrl @ Nov 26 2007, 07:47 PM) *
So , you said you have been togehter 8 years and you both are still interested in eachother sexually..? I have been w/ my boyfriend 9 years...sex has been decreasing steadily over the past 2 years. We are both 37. Bought a house together 3 years ago, have 2 dogs, NO kids and make good money. So there is no stress to add to my unfullfilled life. He is a great man, works hard, is faithful and true, but the sex sucks! I have tried toys, videos, lingerie, etc, etc...he is not receptive to those things and says he is still attracted to me. But I have to initiate all contact or otherwise it will be Sat am only...maybe Sat night thrown in once in awhile. Very quick on his part and no foreplay. I have had an affair recently and told him about it. He apologized and said he was to blame, but still has done nothing to not make me want to seek affection elswhere again. I think of leaving everyday. Giving up on a life we have worked hard to get... But what do I do? I really need some advice. Stay because everthing else seems to click OK, and deal with a boring sexless life? Or leave and try to find the "complete" package with someone else.? I feel very drained!!!!!


leathergrl - i feel your pain. mr. pug and i went through a very dry spell for years. we just weren't talking and being honest with one another. really, i wasn't being honest with him about what i wanted sexually. i thought about cheating. we went and talked to a therapist. she helped a little. in the long run, we just needed to explore other aspects of our sexuality. i mean we did the same thing every time and i was bored with it. i don't think mr. pug was. he was happy as long as he was getting laid. i needed more from him.

we've been together over 11 years and i can tell we played with toys early in our relationship. when we started having problems everyone was like, "Get a toy. Go to a sex shop together. Spice things up." what they didn't understand was that we had already done those things.

I never initiated and when we did have sex I felt withdrawn the entire time. I can't imagine how he felt during these sessions. Now, we are both there together the entire time. It's "us" time. We kick our dogs out of the room, turn our phones and the tv off. We set out my favorite vibe (pocket rocket) and lube (silicone). I mean we still have our nights where it is quick and to the point but we still make time for some heavy play.

I know I personally don't like to be asked for sex. I know when Mr. Pug used to be like, "Can we tonight?" that used to drive me crazy. Nothing turned me OFF faster. Maybe you could try just attacking him when his guard is down. Don't give him a chance to say no.

I'd hate to see you leave when everything else is so good in the relationship. I'd definately go and talk to someone first. Like Mr. Pug said, it might just be a hormonal issue with him. They have meds for that now don't they? (can you picture me, the hornball in the doctor's office laugh.gif) Good luck and keep coming back here to vent about it. We're here for you.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Mr Pugs
post Nov 27 2007, 06:05 AM
Post #87


BUSTie
**
Posts: 79
From: Delaware, the butthole of america


leathergrl, I would go talk to a marriage/sex counselor. His problem could be physical (testosterone output slowing down) or something mental like there's something bothering him about the relationship that he's not spilling. It seems strange to me that when you had the affair and then told him about it he was all "it's my fault it's ok." and then does nothing to change the circumsances. It just feels like there is something else going on. I've been with LoveMyPugs for over 11 years and the sex keeps getting hotter and hotter, but I'm only 27, so the physical hasn't caught up to me yet. I'd definately talk to someone.

Mr. Pugs
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
leathergrl
post Nov 26 2007, 06:30 PM
Post #88


Newbie
*
Posts: 7
From: NH


QUOTE(mermaidgirl13 @ Jul 6 2006, 05:45 PM) *
Chiming in on the morning/night thing too. I like having sex at night, or at least, just not in the morning. In the morning I feel gross and just want to shower and start the day,like you said Humminghbird. <BR> <BR>I've been with him for 8 years and I think sex during the last two years has been better than it ever was before. <BR> <BR>It's interesting how it fluctuates though - in our time together, there have been a couple stretches of several months when we hardly had sex and then months where we have a lot. It's interesting how it goes, but sucks when we are in different places sex-drive wise.

So , you said you have been togehter 8 years and you both are still interested in eachother sexually..? I have been w/ my boyfriend 9 years...sex has been decreasing steadily over the past 2 years. We are both 37. Bought a house together 3 years ago, have 2 dogs, NO kids and make good money. So there is no stress to add to my unfullfilled life. He is a great man, works hard, is faithful and true, but the sex sucks! I have tried toys, videos, lingerie, etc, etc...he is not receptive to those things and says he is still attracted to me. But I have to initiate all contact or otherwise it will be Sat am only...maybe Sat night thrown in once in awhile. Very quick on his part and no foreplay. I have had an affair recently and told him about it. He apologized and said he was to blame, but still has done nothing to not make me want to seek affection elswhere again. I think of leaving everyday. Giving up on a life we have worked hard to get... But what do I do? I really need some advice. Stay because everthing else seems to click OK, and deal with a boring sexless life? Or leave and try to find the "complete" package with someone else.? I feel very drained!!!!!
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
phobia
post Aug 11 2007, 07:38 AM
Post #89


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 186


Shauna, that's a really good idea -- make committments to ~yourself~ will probably make you feel sexier. I know what really works for me to keep my interest up and simmering is to sort of treat sex like a hobby. I've also recommended this approach to Mr. Phobia, with great success. I guess it helps if you're kinky like we are -- lots of technique to read up on and stuff to buy. But I think even the more vanilla among us could benefit from what we do. Like I said, treat sex and sexuality like a hobby. Read up on it, look at some new positions or toys or lubes, ways to make it better. Does that make sense?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Aug 2 2007, 12:15 PM
Post #90







I'd love to hear from someone who scheduling did work for. I've talked to a lot of long term couples who have almost all tried scheduling and it hasn't worked for any of them. I'd love to hear how those that it does work for feel when they come home and sit down and are "supposed" to do it? And!!! Why do we make excuses not to when we make time TO? Mr. Pug and I did that all the time.

When I think about what stressful things were going on when Mr. Pug and I had our dry spell it was

1. Living seperately
2. Moving in together into an apartment we both hated
3. Moving back home seperately
4. Me moving into his moms (worst two years of my life)
5. Deciding to buy a house
6. Buying a house and learning to live together alone again

There were just sooo many things on our minds. I'm surprised we talked at all. The funny thing is that now, when we have stressful times, we kinda pull together. When I lost my job in December, when I was stressing with school, when my mom and dad were both sick. We babied each other. He'd hold me and love me and I'd make love to him till the end of time. I guess we both just discovered what we could do to help the other during hard times.

I have two friends who the woman is sick and lost her job and the husband is working his ass off trying to support them both. They also have a daugther, just got married and bought a house. They are under a lot of stress and they treat each other terribly. I stress to them to pull together and try to just take care of one another but they just fight, fight, fight. They call each other names and it's just sad.

Last weekend my friend sat down with me and she just let loose. She said that she thinks he unsupportive and mean. Well I just freaked out. I told her that this is hard on both of them and that neither of them has a clue about what the other is going through. I litterally yelled at her and told her to take the baby to it's grandmothers and that the two of them needed to have a long talk. Well she got upset and walked out of the room. I eventually left later that night. The next day she called me and told me that she did exactly what I said and that he told her things she didn't even know and vice versa. He was just so worried about her health and their finances and she just thought he cared more about the money then her well being. She said they had this very deep talk and then went into the bedroom and made love and spent the rest of the day there in each others arms. They actually forgot to pick up the baby. It was very sweet. I have higher hopes for them now. For a while there I was really getting concerned.

hoosierman - it was nice to have a mans perspective. I always thought that Mr. Pug was just horny but it really is one way that he connects with me emotionally. He loves to love me and make love to me. I never really understood that. Makes a girl all giddy inside. smile.gif
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
hoosierman78
post Aug 2 2007, 11:37 AM
Post #91


BUSTie
**
Posts: 92


Tes, your last paragraph regarding the long distance is where I was going to chime in. My wife & I went through a bit of a dry spell a little over a year ago. We'd be good to do it once a month for about 6 months. I guess it was just one of those things that relationships go through, but it always seemed like when I wanted it she didn't, and when she wanted it, I did. Why either of us didn't want it ranged from tired, just not in the mood, & not feeling well.

Well, she decided to quit her job & help her mom out with her business. Only thing is, her business was 4 hours away. Now, all of a sudden, we CAN'T do it whenever we want, and when she'd come home on the weekends, well, we made up for the rest of the week. In our case, absence truly did make the heart (and loins) grow fonder. I can't say if this would or wouldn't work for others, but if nothing else seems to be able to break the rut, maybe if you have friends/family out of town you could plan a couple long weekends away without him.

*As a side note, scheduling did not work at all for us either. I know I've read in many different places that it's a good way to kick start things, we just had no luck at all with it.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
tesao
post Aug 2 2007, 09:08 AM
Post #92


olha, que coisa mais linda.....
***
Posts: 1,361
From: somewhere south....VERY south


just popped in here today because i was curious...this thread hasn't had much action for a while and then bam!

everyone here has really given fabu advice -- as they usually do! i can't think of much to add. i can say that about 4-5 years ago mr. hotbuns and i went through a really bad slump...just as i began to bust. i think that the biggest problem with us was that we had been going through some rough financial times, first he was laid off and then i was.

really rotten how stress makes you slack off on sex, when really sex RELIEVES stress.

so maybe one other thing to think about, polly, would be if there is some big stress factor going on in either of your lives. anything physical, such as the things that others have mentioned, like going to the gym, taking a hike together, riding bikes together, swimming together,whatever -- is really good for stress relief. and at the same time, you are doing FUN things together. combine all of that and remember why you got together in the first place, and sex is bound to be the next step.

we tried to "schedule" sex, and it was a dismal failure. which doesn't mean that it wouldn't work for others; it just wasn't the answer for us.

we don't have this problem at ALL anymore; i live in africa and mr hotbuns lives in the states. when we see each other (about every 3-4 months), we are aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall over each other for at least the first 24 hours.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Aug 2 2007, 08:24 AM
Post #93







Polly - ooooooh, I get the condom during oral thing now. I was confused.

I do think dry spells are normal but they can get out of hand. I think Mr. Pug and I went like five years at one point where we were having sex like once a month. It caused us a lot of problems and we went to therapy together. The therapist said it was normal for the amount of time we'd been together. However, Mr. pug continued to think it wasn't normal and that we weren't compatible sexually.

What we discovered was that we were trying to live a life that society thought we should live. Him politely asking for sex and me turning him down for any and all reasons. I hated him asking and he hated to ask. We talked about this, which lead to wanting things a little more rough, which led to me joining the BDSM thread.

I remember when I decided to approach Mr. pug on the issue. I was so nervous that I actually emailed him a link to a 24/7 Ds relationship website. Asking him if we could change our lifestyle completely was a huge risk on my part. He was shocked at first because I went from not wanting sex to discovering something about myself through talking to others and research to wanting sex everyday multiple times a day. It took him weeks to really understand what I was asking for. Even now when he hasn't asserted his dominance in a few days I find myself starting to brat out in need of his authority. Mr. pug used to be very submissive to me and I hated it as much as he did. It never felt natural to both of us and with fought over it constantly. Now that the tables are turned it sends shivers up my spine just to say his name in my mind.


Being catholic myself, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over my lifestyle and discuss it with Mr. pug and friends who know. I actually stopped going to church because the guilt of lusting so much is just overwhelming and confusing. However, I feel that the blissful lifestyle that we live is more important then feeling like I’m living up to the standards of Catholicism. Sorry, I guess I’m getting off topic here.

As far as spending time together without the expectation of sex...that's exactly what I’m talking about. Even if you add some petting and kissing and just agree that it won't go any further unless you both desire it.

I really hope that things get better. Like I said, dry spells are normal but they can get out of hand. It seems to me that you are trying to prevent this and that is always a great step. When Mr. pug and I have problems I’m always the one talking to people, researching and reading self help books. He sort of sits back and waits for things to "fix" themselves. He attributes the perfect ness of everything now to my wanting to stay together and work things out. Its just part of my nature to want to fix things.

Its frustrating to see friends having the same problems we used to and wanting to explain what we do and them just looking at us like we are sick or confused. I’ve stopped sharing a lot of my experiences with friends. I just come on to bust and talk to phobia and gt and the other BDSM busties. They understand me and so does Mr. pug and that's all I need to get by.

Good luck
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pollystyrene
post Aug 1 2007, 09:30 PM
Post #94


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
***
Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


Not offended, phobia! laugh.gif Yeah, I've explained this to him. And part of it is that when he goes down on me, he does enjoy it quite a bit and usually gets off before I do, and wearing a condom provides for easy clean-up. But that's just a pleasant side-effect of his paranoia, not the reason he originally started doing it that way.

A couple years ago, we did about 4 months of counseling, behavior-focussed talk therapy to deal with some of this stuff. It helped for awhile, we've just gotten off track. His guilt (caused by a Catholic upbringing) and paranoia (caused by a totally irresponsible ex-girlfriend) are just totally getting in the way of things.

Thanks for the suggestions- I do want to get to the point where we can be spontaneous and fun...can't wait until I get permanent contraception! At least that factor will be eliminated!


--------------------
You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
phobia
post Aug 1 2007, 02:51 PM
Post #95


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 186


Wait, I'm sorry, HE wears a condom to go down on YOU?? Not trying to be offensive, but it might ease his mind to read up on, you know, some basic reproductive biology?

Another thing to add to Pug's shower-together idea is to work out together. You don't have to go to the gym or anything, but just be active some place other than the bedroom -- take a walk or a hike or a bike ride. Or, DO go to the gym -- when we have time we go together and it not only keeps us motivated, but getting sweaty together is hot! Spot each other while lifting weights, and cop a feel, for example smile.gif

I guess what everyone's advice is boiling down to is two things. First, find ways to spend time together, being together, not neccessarily with the expectation of sex. Start to remember why you like each other so much. Second, find ways to be physical with one another, again, without the expectation of sex. Touching and being affectionate can turn the horny on much better than making sex into a chore. And that's what you really want, right? Getting back to ~wanting~ sex, not merely having sex on a regular basis. Does that difference resonate?

I've been with my boy for 10 years, and some dry spots are usual, please don't worry about that. As others have said, you get into a routine and you're too lazy to do anything about it. But sex IS important, and someone is going to wind up getting majorly resentful. Resentment is relationship poison.

Good luck Polly, and hang in there! Let us know how things go -- we're here for you smile.gif
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pollystyrene
post Aug 1 2007, 12:43 PM
Post #96


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
***
Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


See, the shower thing! I'd love to do that- a couple years ago, we had a nice hotel room with a giant whirlpool bath. We had some fun in there....but whenever I suggest it at home, he makes excuses. He had one bad experience with his stupid ex-girlfriend; they were messing around in the shower, she failed to mention she'd skipped a few pills and was about a week and a half late afterwards, so for someone who is already irrationally paranoid about pregnancy, that made it 10 times worse and now I'm suffering the consequences. mad.gif Seven years in a relationship and he wears a condom to perform oral sex on me. WTF? We're both hardcore childfree-by-choice, so he should know I'm fully committed to taking my pills....but at least intentionally setting time together, without specifying it's for sex is a good idea, pugs.


--------------------
You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
LoveMyPugs
post Aug 1 2007, 10:48 AM
Post #97







Mr. Pug and I went through a dry spell that lasted years. I'm not kidding. It was terrible. We tried the scheduling thing and it seemed like something always got in the way. He was tired, I was stressed, neither of us felt like it and blah blah blah. They were the worst years of our relationship.

However, things have taken a complete turn around for us but that's because we instituted some major relationship changes in the last six months. When I say major I mean major. We are in a 24/7 Ds relationship now so I don't have a lot of advice to offer unless you are looking to make some big changes like we did. Not that our way is the only or best way. It just really, really worked for us. Our friends and family have noticed that we are even more in love then we were when we first met. The sex is 110% better then it ever was. We are trying many new things and I feel more free to be my adventurous self in bed. Things are just great with us.

I can make this suggestion...we do spend one day a week together. Usually it's Saturday or Sunday mornings. We sleep in late. We make love. Go back to sleep. Get up and shower together. Make breakfast together. Sit on the couch or in bed and watch a movie together. Maybe clean some together. Make dinner together and so on and so forth. We just spend the day being close, touching and being near each other. For me this is very hot at times and also very intimate.

I think shinyx's ideas are excellant. I love just waking in the morning and laying my head on Mr. Pug's naked thigh, looking up at him, him smelling all manly and me all bed tossled. Those times are pure bliss for me.

Another suggestion is to shower together regularly. Mr. Pug and I have opposite schedules during the week. We don't get much time together. Showering together is sexy. Wash each other, splash a bit, talk, laugh and "other" things. Sometimes when we are busy it's the most sexy, intimate 20 minutes of our day.

Hope that was helpful.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
shinyx3
post Aug 1 2007, 10:12 AM
Post #98


go ahead . . . push the button!
***
Posts: 2,943


i would suggest a discussion between the two of you and then simply seduce your man. when you think about sex and he is not there . . . email or call him and let him know you are thinking about it. start doing little things that make him feel special (make his coffe in the am and bring it too him in bed, then tell him he looks hot all tossled with sleep) and he will likely return the favor. that may help you feel more sexy and start wanting it more often. also, i think to some extent, the more you get, the more you want. we get in a rut and it becomes comfortable and so we don't really do anything to change it.


--------------------
"Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pollystyrene
post Aug 1 2007, 09:50 AM
Post #99


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
***
Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


I'm too lazy to read the archives....when going through a "dry spell" and trying to get back on track, has anyone ever tried a schedule? Like "okay, every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, we'll do it" kind of thing. I'm afraid of this becoming a chore, but when you realize you're going like 8 weeks in between, um, I'll try anything at this point.

There's also so many little sub-issues with us right now that I don't even know where to start a discussion. I mean, we're getting along just fine, we're not in crisis mode...we're just not doing anything...yeah. huh.gif


--------------------
You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
ginger_kitty
post Jan 31 2007, 04:20 PM
Post #100


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,237


greenbean, Chubby-kid complex, that nails it. It's maybe something that he needs to come to terms with on his own, that I can't help him with?


We are often playful. But sometimes he doesn't get it when I am being flirty or thinks that I'm just joking b/c I am such a goofball. I think I might give up to soon sometimes, and say just kidding? Maybe I should kind of be more persistent and see if he gets that I'm not kidding.


--------------------
-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

13 Pages V  « < 3 4 5 6 7 > » 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Lo-Fi Version Time is now: July 29, 2014 - 05:18 PM