[storminmad]

Whoa. he sleeps in the bed with her? You are far more secure than I EVER could be.

[saktii]

You know, I'm not sure any of us really get over other people. My boyfriend is best friends with his most significant ex. This is made complicated by the fact that she is also a very good friend of mine (I met him through her).. It's a very strange attatchment, because even though their relationship is strictly platonic now, he still keeps his house as if they were living together (she lives in London! He lives here in the US!). She has her own drawer, her own bookshelf, etc. etc... He even still keeps a box of nude photos of her.
Stranger still-- when she comes to visit, she still sleeps in his bed with him.
I personally have chosen to be very open to the strange dynamic that is his relationship with her, simply because I know that we never really get over people. ( I'm certainly not over my ex from 3 years ago. I still get upset when I find out he has a new girlfriend). I also know that not being over a person does not necessarily mean that there's no room in a heart for me. Maybe my situation is different because I'm such good friends with my BF's ex, though.

[sedatedchinaman]

i can relate. my bf of 9 months said that he has been over his girlfriend for a year after all the time he spent single, but that is was very difficuly since he loved her so much. the first time i went to his house he still had a picture of her that he took over his bed. then when we started dating he took it down and put one up of me. but he still has a drawer of pictures of her in it, and almost every "toy" he owns she bought for him and he still hangs on to them. then when i was helping him move he showed me a collectable lunchbox but when i asked to see inside it he refused. i asked if it was gf stuff and he said yes. i was pissed. then, a couple days later in the new house he unpacked it (after i was already clearly uncomfortable with it) and gave it to me to read and apologized for acting to secretive. i opened it...saw hundreds of letters from her, and pictures....and said no thanks. a fight was started and i was mad that he still has that thing. EVERYTHING he owns has something to do with her. posters...trinkets...you name it. point being that lunchbox after all that fighting is still in his room and this time it's kind of sitting out. he claims that hes 110% over her and i need to stop worrying and comparing the relationships...but i must admit, i feel uncared about. he hasnt even gotten me so much as a card. why was he so romantic with her? but not me? HELP!

[seraphine]

Oh dear... a much more extreme case than my boyfriend. You REALLY need to have a SERIOUS talk with this guy. He needs to know that this is not okay.

My boyfriend was dumped by his ex three years ago right before he got news that his military unit was to be deployed. Needless to say, he got piss drunk and his buddies had to help him stay awake for work. He was infatuated with her, and was with her for 2 years.

It’s been difficult for me because he has told me that he is still in love with her, but not in a romantic way. He still cares for her as a person, and said he probably always will. I have stumbled upon (mostly due to being an OC cleaner as well as, yes I admit it, nosy) letters from her and photos—even ones of her in lingerie. I finally really talked to him about it last week, told him about seeing all that stuff, etc. I was crying a river because I hurt, but he was surprisingly understanding.

He told me something that I think has a lot of merit. I don’t know whether I totally agree with him, but I did see a truth in it despite the circumstances. He said that if he had just thrown all of those things away—the letters, the photos, the trinkets—then what would that have shown about him and how he feels about someone he was in a significant relationship for? He said that if he and I were to break up, since we have been together for longer and have had more of a solid relationship, that he doesn’t think he could –ever- get over me or the things I gave him that he cherishes.

That shed a new light on this subject for me, yet a photo of his ex in lingerie and the thought that she might have made him happier then still leaves me with a bit of a heartache. In your guy’s case, however, I think he needs to know to respect you, keep his keepsakes to a minimum, and most importantly TALK to you about WHY he has them, why he has them OUT, and whether he UNDERSTANDS that by doing so he is hurting you very much.

[red]

Sweetheart....no disrespect intended, but what a jackass your man is. Save yourself a lot of heartache. Honestly, it sounds like it's gone too far already. Text messages? Scrapbooks and photos on his table by the bed? NO WAY. Absolutely unacceptable. With so much of his heart and mind still being taken up by this "ex", how much of either is left for you, his current? Too many little signs, too many excuses. These aren't issues of jealousy...these are genuine issues of hurtfulness, carelessness and utter cruelty. This guy needs to take a hike. All these things that say he doesn't make you a priority in his life...and why is it that you're with him? Really...think about it. What are the reasons he is worth your love, patience, time and energy? What is it about this guy, that makes you feel he's so worth this crap? And please don't say "but I just love him".....

If you really can't think of anything that makes this guy stand out beyond someone who would adore you, care for you, and show you the respect that you are absolutely entitled to...then that itself should tell you what you need to do.

[katiebelle2882]

sweetheart,

please, for your own sake, dump this ass. in fact, please do it BEFORE you go away bc, and i dont want to be too cynical, he will modst likely cheat on you when you are gone. esp since his new roomate is friends with her. please, just do it so you dont get hurt any more than you already have. i know what you are going through.

he was wrong for jumping into another relationship so soon after a breakup ESP since hes clearly not over her. by jumping into another relationship in that state of mind, hes not only fooling himself but is hurting another person as well. that person being you. you dont deserve this. i am sorry for you but you can do MUCH better

[voodoo_princess]

sweetheart143 - honey, I hate to sound "not" encouraging, but he's not YOUR boyfriend, he's still HER boyfriend.... in his head anyway.
I totally understand keeping small things from past parts of your life that may be special, but this sounds like FULL BLOWN OBSESSION! And it is very very disrespectful to YOU. I admit that I have small trinkets laying about that my first husband gave me or that a lover in the past has givin me, but it is not OVERLY OBVIOUS that these are things from a past love and I don't have letters or photos laying about to rub in my current Mr's face! Having said this, my point here is that people are sentimental and do keep things from their past BUT the past should not overshadow the present. YOU should be the star of the show now, NOT the ex. YOUR gifts and letters should be the treasured items, NOT the ex's. I would personally want the scrapbook thrown away, and maybe the boxers etc. put away in the bottom of some drawer somewhere. There is NO excuse for putting you 2nd, which is basically what it sounds like he's doing (in his head anyway) Aren't YOU more special than that? Don't YOU deserve more? I don't know you, but I think you ARE more special and DO deserve more. Good luck hunny!

[crazyoldcatlady]

in the immortal words of Dan Savage: "DTMFA"

(also, you might get more of a responsed if you post in a thread that's already up and going, i.e. the general relationship advice thread)

[sweetheart143]

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months now and our relationship has moved really fast. We told each other I love you after 2 months of dating and have a pretty good relationship for the most part but I feel something missing. The romantic side that was there has somewhat diminished.

Lately we have been fighting alot about jealousy issues. Sometimes I feel as though he doesnt trust me. This entire time he constantly recieves text messages from his ex girlfriend from a year back. He tells me that he is over her but she wont stop bitching at him. I know for a fact that when we had a huge fight he was calling her like crazy and messaging her on myspace. She was elated by the fact they we were maybe going to break up. I know she wants to be with him still. They were together for a year but it was long distance relationship.

I basically stay at his place every night and right next to his bed stand is their love/ memories scrapbook. Really cute may I add. It had love letters.. copies of Romantic text messages.. pictures of them in bed... pictures making out ... all sorts of things. I dont know why I looked through it but it made me really sad. Certain parts of that book made me realize that we dont have what they had. He wears the boxers that she gave him for Valentines day and his birthday all the time that has her name and his equals love all over the band. He has a bag of memorabilia that he keeps at his desk.
I have never been the jealous type but I feel that he may not be over her. It clearly ended because of the long distance I assume and she is moving back in town in a week. Right when I am going on vacation for three weeks. He just moved in with a roommate that is friends with her and I asked if he will see her when she moves back. and he said that his roommate is friends with her. But i feel that as a roommate and best friend he should be able to ask to not have his ex over.

As i helped my boyfriend pack today he was sure not to forget the book by the bed... overlooking by envelope of cards and gifts. Boy did that hurt. There are many issues here. What do you think... what should i do? Is he hung up on his ex? Should I be worried