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> My boyfriend called me fat.
maddy29
post Jul 25 2006, 12:26 PM
Post #1


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Hmm, it's actually interesting, because in some ways you and your boyfriend have a lot in common with the "It'll never be enough, I'll never be good enough" idea.

Yeah, I mean sometimes it's so easy to say "just dump him!" But really, it's almost never that simple. Has he been with other non-model women? Is it important to him that you look your best all the time? Does he think it reflects on him? What will happen to your relationship if you gain weight, or lose your model figure (through childbirth or medications or whatever)?

Just asking questions smile.gif Hope you are doing ok.

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bonchicfeministe
post Jul 24 2006, 04:26 PM
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So glad you understand, Maddy...and to the others thanks for the advice on therapy for him I will certainly be suggesting that. It's nice that some don't immediately advocate dumping him--though of course I see why others think I should. I mysel don't always know what to do, when I'm caught between my feminist outrage of patriarchal stupidity and my love for another imperfect human being.

Maddy, to answer your question as to my own unreachable standards: let's put it this way. I have to be the best at everything, or I feel like a failure. I graduated from college with 2 majors, a minor, an honors college thesis, and a 3.94 GPA. What was my reaction? To be upset that I didn't have a 4.0! LIkewise, I have had a really difficult finding a job since graduating last year, and feel like I have wasted my life away already. Now I'm in a one year graduate certificate program to make sure I enjoy the field of public policy before committing to a Masters of Policy and law degree...but that isn't good enough b/c it's not hte real thing! Moreover, I probably won't think I've done enough until I have a PhD. I'm crazy, am I not? I don't hold the same expectations for others, just for myself...so at least it's a self-contained insanity. This all stems from, of course, fear of failure, but more than that my absolute determination to succeed so I can best change the world. I feel that, as a feminist, I need to validate my intelligence so that people will take me seriously. Sad, eh? If anyone else feels that wya, I'd love to hear. maybe start a new thread?

Keep the boyfriend suggestions coming!







QUOTE(maddy29 @ Jul 24 2006, 04:20 PM) *

Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to dump him just because he's having problems-I mean, isn't that part of relationships-supporting each other? I guess it just depends on h im a lot-if he's willing to get help, and talk to you about his real feelings. Like, talk to you about how bad h e feels about the pizza he ate, instead of insulting you. You'll have to figure out how much it's affecting you.

What do you mean about unreachable standards for yourself? Just curious:)

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maddy29
post Jul 24 2006, 02:03 PM
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Yeah, I know what you mean about not wanting to dump him just because he's having problems-I mean, isn't that part of relationships-supporting each other? I guess it just depends on h im a lot-if he's willing to get help, and talk to you about his real feelings. Like, talk to you about how bad h e feels about the pizza he ate, instead of insulting you. You'll have to figure out how much it's affecting you.

What do you mean about unreachable standards for yourself? Just curious:)
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bonchicfeministe
post Jul 24 2006, 02:00 PM
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Thanks for the input so far girls. I am definately considering taking a break, but honestly I"m just really worried about him. I'm not sure how I feel about ditcihng someone when they're having an issue, although I do realize this could really affect me, as he is projecting his issues onto moi. However, given the fact hat I seriously think he is a lunatic for thinking that about himself, me, and Heidi Klum, I doubt I would take offense to anythign he said in that department again...although do I really want to deal with this?

I've always known this about him, but it has never come out like this before. It;s hard because I have unreachable standards for myself in terms of my academics and professional life, and I feel it is hypocrtical of me. Of course, I am not imposing my standards onto him or anyone else, so I guess it is different in that sense. Though I don't think it's healthy to obsessed with anything, be it school, exercise, drugs, etc.


It's so weird with my guy because he is normally the most laid-back dude alive...and hten his control freak came out in full force with this health stuff.


Keep the thoughts coming...there are so many interesting ideas going on here. Thanks everyone!
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dusty
post Jul 24 2006, 01:56 PM
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I think that if his disorder is having an impact on his relationships, then he should be seeing a therapist. If it were an 'unhealthy' habit, like drinking, it would be a no-brainer to suggest he get help if it were causing him to hurt the people around him.
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maddy29
post Jul 24 2006, 01:16 PM
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It's interesting the idea of a "healty" eating disorder. I really think so many people have this type of disorder. It's like taking healthy eating and exercising to an extreme. No, he's not starving himself (exactly) and he's not making himself puke, but it's still very disordered. I think in the last ten years or so, this type of disordered eating has become very common.

My roommate was like that-and part of it is always the judgment of other people. She would comment on my food, etc. She was completely obsessed by it, counting calories, etc.

Your man definitley needs to seek treatment. If eating pizza makes him freak out like that, that is a problem!

Possibly you could take a break from him while he's starting treatment?
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katiebelle2882
post Jul 24 2006, 12:45 PM
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considering that the average woman in america is a size 14, it makes you as curvy as everyone else!:)


bonchi-your BF needs some help. i mean, personally, i couldnt be with such a controlling asshole, and it may be something that will never change about him, but it sounds as though he needs some serious anti anxiety/anti depression medication. in the mean time, i hope your self esteem isnt totally shot bc of him. what a jerk.


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missjuliet
post Jul 24 2006, 11:05 AM
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SexyTrexy - You poor thing. Do YOU feel as if your overweight? Or are you ok with the extra weight? I ask this with the hope that you can even answer without your bf's words running through your mind.

If you're happy with the way you are then don't listen to him. What he said was terrible. He could have just helped you by fixing the bike; there was no need to state his opinion on this touchy situation. Especially if he knews you had been trying.

You aren't fat at all. I used to be a size 12 and it just makes you a little curvier then the rest wink.gif

My ex told me one day that his father was questioning him about his weight (he had lost about 15 pounds and was looking like a twig) and stated "you're girlfriend is the one that needs to lose the weight." He would never had told me what his father said unless he had some other motive behind it.

So I dumped him.

And found I guy that loves curves. If you're comfortable with the way you are then I suggest you do the same dear.

Fuck him.

<3
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bonchicfeministe
post Jul 23 2006, 09:21 PM
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Hi Everyone. I'm having a very similar problem to that of the OP, and though I think I know what to do, I also need objective opinions...very upset over here!

My boyfriend is OBSESSIVE about working out/eating correctly. He has major body dysmorphic issues with not only himself, but others as well. In his mind, no one is ever in good enough shape, eating well enough, or looks the best they can. For instance, he doesn't understand that people naturally come in different shapes and sizes--he thinks that everyone can look a certain way. He doesn't get that people have different genetics, and even if they are working out a lot and eating correctly, some people are going to be curvier, etc. He freely admits that he will always think he could be doing more, no matter how fantastic he looks, or how good of shape he is in. He knows it is unhealthy, and gets really upest when I point out how distorted his view of others is. He know she needs to get help, but hans't done anything about it (so typical for him and I guess a lot of other guys too).

So last night, it came out that he thinks I have poor posture (due to the scoliosis I have) and that it is making my stomach look "pudgy" (even though I was just modeling at a fashion shoot earlier in the day and am 5'8" and a very toned 130 pounds). He also is afraid that I will end up lookiing lke "some old mom" in the future, because apparently the 4 times a week I work out is not enough. I am blessed with a high metabolism, and though I eat extremely well and do plenty of exercise for health reasons, I also have no problems eating pizza, icecream, etc in moderation if I feel like. To him, this is unacceptable. A similar thing happened last summer, and I was so traumatized by it that I developed a mild eating disorder (so unlike me, I'm a total chow hound!) and my weight dropped to a very dangerous 120. I had to go on anti depressents to get myself straightened out. You can see how crazy he is about this, because to the rest of th world, I have (to be conceited for a moment) and incredible body. Eveeryone always tells me how amazing i look, how healthy and in shape. If I'm not good enough, who is? he even critiques fitness and super models.

He apologized for what he said, and says he knows he is being controlling. He knows he needs help. He said he didn't even mean what he said, and he thinks it comes more from his issues of feeling bad for having eaten pizza earlier and was taking it ou ton me.
I feel like I"m with someone with a "healthy" eating disorder, if that makes any sense. He's obsessed with eating, in the same way that those with anorexia and bulimia are.

Though I think it is incredibly important to be very concsientious about what goes in your mouth and how much activity you get, I also think that there is balance between keeping healthy and being psychotic. Too much of a good thing, and all that...

I am very worried about his mentality, and am looking for advice on what to do for him about this issue, suchc as therapists, etc. I'm also looking for advice on whether or not to break up with him...I don't htink I can deal with this, and I realy don't want his issues affecting how I feel about myself again.

Advice/suggestions appreciated...sorry for the long post.
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quietmadness
post Jun 24 2006, 09:48 AM
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Yeah, neat thread!

My Old Man and I have been married for 20 years, plus 2 years before that when we were dating/engaged.

When I met him/married I was a size 12. Over the years, I've gained & lost & gained my way up to a size 3x. I'm 5'2".

And, now, sometimes he'll make a comment about my size/weight--but not overtly a "sit down" type conversation. I know I'm fat as hell. He knows I'm fat as hell.

But he's also man enough to handle it.<<---(If that sentence doesn't speak to you, stay with him and keep putting up with his hang-ups!)
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pow
post May 24 2006, 12:06 PM
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Let's leave the Dr Laura schtick to that harpy eh, Katiebelle?
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lucizoe
post May 24 2006, 08:15 AM
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I don't think it's necessary to bring anyone's age into a debate, nor to threaten some sort of verbal beating. This is what cheeses me off about the internet. Would people speak to complete strangers like this? Do people act like that? Sheesh.

Anywho, I agree that there is a double standard there and that he was a tactless asshole. I think the issue with the OP was that she was already aware that she had gotten a bit out of shape due to quitting smoking recently, she was taking steps to change that because she was unhappy with herself, and then her boyfriend started harping on her. After they had already discussed the problem, he brought it up again in a manner which suggested she didn't know what she was doing, hadn't thought about it, and frankly, came across to me as really condescending. I'm sticking with DTMFA.

Additionally, it's possible that the OP's actual ideal body weight and type actually is larger than her smoking weight. We all knew (or were) girls who smoked in high school to stay skinny and women who continue to do so now. Healthy lifestyle changes do not necessarily result in losing clothing sizes.

Sometimes people just need some support and advice, not arguments about the validity of their feelings.
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katiebelle2882
post May 24 2006, 06:15 AM
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um still

the whole point of this place is for people to have dissenting opinions. sorry we disagree, if you are that insecure in your opinion well, thats not my problem. it's not like "I" called the girl fat, bc frankly i dont think she is from what she described. i was debating whether or not her boyfriend is genuinely an asshole, or maybe just tactless. my vote is tactless, in no way do you have to agree. honestly, verbal ass whooping? how old are you anyway?


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stillveryangry
post May 24 2006, 12:30 AM
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so is someone gonna give this girl the verbal ass whippin she deserves or do I have to? coz I don't mind:D
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katiebelle2882
post May 23 2006, 07:59 AM
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whatever, i think that if someone here complained about their boyfriend being fat we would tell her its ok not to be attracted to someone who gained alot of weight and how to tell him nicely. i think we do alot of double standards when it comes to advice.
bottomline is, he could have done it in a better way, but i dont think hes an asshole. if he refuses to be supportive at all, then yes, i do think hes an asshole, but he might end up helping you out. i think sometimes men just say things outright, while women beat around the bush. he probably said it in the same way that he would say it to a guy friend. that doesnt make it right, however, sometimes it is better to just be upfront.


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p_176
post May 23 2006, 06:46 AM
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i'm sorry this guy said this to you. there ARE more subtle ways to talk to your SO about issues like this.
i'm in the process of losing some weight gained in the past 2 years (there's always food in my office), and my bf needs to lose weight also (he's got the gut going on)...he so far has not done anything except cut back on snacks - he's not exercising or whatever else. i'm trying to get back into my former exercise rhythm. what he does not seem to understand is that it's hard to live with someone, and only one person is trying to be healthy. so, i second (third??) the other ladies on here who say, do it for yourself, and tune out what he is (or is not) doing.
good luck
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skandelouslala
post May 23 2006, 12:38 AM
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Wow my heart broke for you while reading this. I hope you are doing okay. I can't believe he even had the nerve to say something. And like the other mentioned...it was clearly a self centered issue instead of him being genuinely concerned about your well being. If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU....screw him.
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girlygirlgag
post May 14 2006, 09:30 AM
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Does anyone else ever feel so lazy, they don't feel like editing their double post?


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girlygirlgag
post May 14 2006, 09:30 AM
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Right on luci, screw Curves.

Lose weight for yourself, get rid of that MF who says he wants to help you, but does not do what he says he is going to do and thinks support is calling you fat.

Screw him.

whenever I complain about my body the Mr. joins me about his, then gives me comlpiments on my working out lately and how he can tell I am shaping up and is glad I feel better, but he loved me just as much as before. He is also always down for a hike, a random yoga class, eating healthier etc.

I think the supportive way without insulting a person is finding activities you can do together, and then going for some low fat Sushi or something for dinner.


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lucizoe
post May 13 2006, 03:14 PM
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(Curves is owned by an anti-choice Evangelical Christian man, just so's ya know)
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