[runningwestward]

This thread is for sharing bullying stories from grade school all the way up into the workplace. For those of us who are in a bully situation I want us to be able to use this as a support network because in the workplace there are very few things you can do about the bully. And if you do have suggestions that would be awesome. It's bloody hard to stand up to these people.

Wanting to start this thread was spurred by the recognision of a bully over the weekend. He's in my lab where I work. He's junior to me but is a few years older. Everyone in the lab can't stand the guy. He's inappriate, sexist, believes that his is always the right way and the only correct and valid opinion... you get the picture. And until a few weeks ago I had just dismissed him as an ass. That is until he actually had the nerve to point at a physical flaw (something that took me year to accept and be alright with) on my body and pester me about it. And he did this in front of about 10 people at work. I was floored. I didn't know what to say and all the memories of people who look at it funny and all the shame I used to feel about it came back in a flash. I bit my tongue though. Stuttered out an answer. But that night I went home and cried. I've been harbouring some resentment (to say the least) to this guy since and it all came out this weekend. We were hosting a conference and I was working the registration desk and he starting critizing the way I was doing my job (picture having 30 people in a line and having to write out receipts answer questions remember to ask them certain ones all in about 30 seconds a person... a little stressful...) and I just snapped. I told him to leave me alone and I'd answer him when I had a chance but he kept pushing. Saying I wasn't doing it right, saying that it wasn't good enough, saying that I should be working faster... and I lost it. I told him to f*ck off very loudly in front of 4 of the most important people at the conference: the keynote speaker and the guy I want to work for in a few months included. I just couldn't stop myself. And he just played the victim. Saying loudly for everyone to hear "what's her problem" "what did I do". I wanted to just cry. It felt like grade school and high school all over again. I am so sick of people defending him with "oh he's just a jerk" or "it's a personality thing" "it's not personal" (my ass it isn't... why doesn't he treat everyone like this then??!!!?? and why only the women?) and the fact that the responsiblity of remedying the situation fails into the victims hands. I don't know how to approach this guy and tell him to lay off without giving him more power over me. That approach backfired in highschool with that bitch AC and crew. I doubt it will work now on an ex Israili military jerk. I don't want to feel the way I felt when I was younger. I had my fair share of emotional breakdowns and stress related illness back then thank you very much. But I can feel it all coming back and I don't know how to stop the flood. That felt good to say. Thanks for letting me vent.

[geoff]

Hi, I'm Geoff, and yep, I'm a newbie. Bullying is a topic that hits pretty close to home, at least in my past, and it's been interesting and sometimes painful to read about your experiences.

Like several people here, I was bullied all the way through grade school. Junior high was the worst, and high school wasn't much better. Kids that age can just tear each other apart! It's easy for me to believe what girl_logic said, how very old people can still remember the exact words that others used to bully them.

Personally, I've tried kind of the opposite - to forget as much as possible. I can easily remember it when I think about it, but I'm much happier not thinking about those times. I couldn't get out of that cliquey place fast enough, and now, as an adult, in a place with more people, it's much easier to simply avoid people I don't like. They don't even notice, so they don't go out of their way to make trouble for me - and there aren't many of them anyway.

It's scary to hear some of the earlier stories in this thread, where people are still bullied as adults in the workplace. I don't know what I'd do then - probably threaten legal action or try to find another job.

I thought about something awhile back, and maybe it's old news, but the idea surprised me a little. Some of the people I work with now are great people, very friendly and nice to be around. But because they're so athletic, attractive, and outgoing, I started to wonder if they were the types that were bullies when they were kids. It doesn't change my friendships with them now, and I obviously can't and won't pin anything on them by unfair stereotyping, but it just makes me wonder. Maybe some of the people in high school turned out to be really great adults, like the people I'm friends with now. Because of the history, though, I'm guess I'm satisfied not knowing. I don't keep in touch with any of them.

Anyway, I saw this article a couple days ago. It's on CNN's site, but the story is actually from Oprah's site. It hurts to read the families' stories - not the same words that were used to bully me, but the intimidation and the feelings they cause are all too familiar.

I followed one of the links in the middle, "How to deal with bullies", and found several good articles on various aspects of bullying. (Each article has a "Related Links" section at the bottom with more on her site.) I love the "Shmuleyism" at the bottom of this article:

There is absolutely no place for bullying in our schools. Children must be taught to report a bully immediately and never to fear retaliation. Parents must teach their children to stand up to a bully but never to become one - even to protect themselves. Principals and teachers who don't take bullying seriously should be relieved of their duties.

Too true. Bullying is a much bigger problem than most people realize. IMO, the keys there are "never to fear retaliation" and that the school officials need to take it seriously. Those were the reasons my problems never went away until I graduated and left - the adults wouldn't do anything, and if you "tattle," the bullies just come down on you even harder.