[runningwestward]

This thread is for sharing bullying stories from grade school all the way up into the workplace. For those of us who are in a bully situation I want us to be able to use this as a support network because in the workplace there are very few things you can do about the bully. And if you do have suggestions that would be awesome. It's bloody hard to stand up to these people.

Wanting to start this thread was spurred by the recognision of a bully over the weekend. He's in my lab where I work. He's junior to me but is a few years older. Everyone in the lab can't stand the guy. He's inappriate, sexist, believes that his is always the right way and the only correct and valid opinion... you get the picture. And until a few weeks ago I had just dismissed him as an ass. That is until he actually had the nerve to point at a physical flaw (something that took me year to accept and be alright with) on my body and pester me about it. And he did this in front of about 10 people at work. I was floored. I didn't know what to say and all the memories of people who look at it funny and all the shame I used to feel about it came back in a flash. I bit my tongue though. Stuttered out an answer. But that night I went home and cried. I've been harbouring some resentment (to say the least) to this guy since and it all came out this weekend. We were hosting a conference and I was working the registration desk and he starting critizing the way I was doing my job (picture having 30 people in a line and having to write out receipts answer questions remember to ask them certain ones all in about 30 seconds a person... a little stressful...) and I just snapped. I told him to leave me alone and I'd answer him when I had a chance but he kept pushing. Saying I wasn't doing it right, saying that it wasn't good enough, saying that I should be working faster... and I lost it. I told him to f*ck off very loudly in front of 4 of the most important people at the conference: the keynote speaker and the guy I want to work for in a few months included. I just couldn't stop myself. And he just played the victim. Saying loudly for everyone to hear "what's her problem" "what did I do". I wanted to just cry. It felt like grade school and high school all over again. I am so sick of people defending him with "oh he's just a jerk" or "it's a personality thing" "it's not personal" (my ass it isn't... why doesn't he treat everyone like this then??!!!?? and why only the women?) and the fact that the responsiblity of remedying the situation fails into the victims hands. I don't know how to approach this guy and tell him to lay off without giving him more power over me. That approach backfired in highschool with that bitch AC and crew. I doubt it will work now on an ex Israili military jerk. I don't want to feel the way I felt when I was younger. I had my fair share of emotional breakdowns and stress related illness back then thank you very much. But I can feel it all coming back and I don't know how to stop the flood. That felt good to say. Thanks for letting me vent.

[venetia]

It sounds like recognisable workplace bullying to me, Runningwestward. Bullying is really freaky, not least because you believe it's somehow you not the bully, and that if you just "deal" it will be okay. But actually it's recognised these days as a form of harrassment, and it's more or less illegal.

Maybe if you get hold of a book like The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense At Work it will help you formulate answers to the bully which let him know that you consider his behaviour inappropriate and bullying, and that you want him to stop. For some reason rehearsing words from a book helps me because that way it's not such a personal investment as in my own words.

You may need a formal record that the man's behaviour is a problem for you, so you'll need to make a note to a supervisor or boss. Not necessarily a complaint, just let them know that for the record you have asked X to (for eg) stop making personal remarks to you or engaging in other bullying behaviour.

Also you need to keep a log of what he says and does, and when, and maybe a brief sentence about any measurable effects it had (eg in that case, by bringing up his problem at an inappropriate time he hindered your ability to concentrate onthe difficult job at hand). This will quite quickly reveal a distinct pattern to his behaviour, and will be invaluable if it gets to the point where you have to make a formal complaint.

Also if you did around you'll probably find the rules that your lab is supposed to follow.

I'm not trying to suggest that you should take responsibility for his behaviour (that's probably something he himself thinks). But, he's a hazard to you at the moment and you will need to take steps to protect yourself from him.

A few years ago I was being bullied and sexually harrassed at university, and for the longest time I thought it was "just me", my fault (for years! for like, three years!). Then when I found out that the guy had been doing it to other women too, I realised and we made a complaint. It's much easier for me to act on protecting others than myself. The guy basically was removed from campus and I haven't seen him since.

Reading the workplace bullying resources online it was really strange for me because the descriptions of behaviour were striking chords - it was like, wow, this is a real, recognised thing, it's not just me, it's not my fault, and it's not all in my head!