[missjuliet]

Dear lovely Bustees,

I know I'm still a newbie here, but I am in a terrible place right now and need some advice.

Today I discovered that my boyfriend has a "porn problem"

My father had a terrible problem with porn as well and it led to my parents divorce. Because of this, porn is a really touchy subject for me.

I've told him about my father and why it upsets me before. I confronted him about it and he lied, but I was sneaky and went on his computer where I saw some really strange things. It had to do with drawn animals and it was really disturbing.

Anyway, I'm terribly upset and was wondering if I'm overreacting.

Do all guys really watch porn?

If you're going out with a guy do you feel it's ok if they do watch it?

And if you feel it's ok do you ever feel upset that he isn't satisfied with you and you only?

I'm so confused and upset.

He said he'd change, but I'm not sure what to believe.

Please help!

<3

[girlbomb]

Hi there, missjuliet.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so lousy. The porn issue can be very tricky in relationships, if both partners do not agree on it. It sounds to me like porn upsets you very much (and while nobody has to have a "reason" to feel their feelings, it sounds like you have a very solid reason for not liking porn -- you've seen it hurt relationships before). Whereas your boyfriend likes porn and wants to continue using it. So in a way, it's like any other relationship issue -- you want one thing, he wants another. If both of you can compromise, you can work it out; if not, you probably can't.

The thing is, in my experience, one partner does not tend to stop using porn because the other partner wants them to. The porn user (again, in my experience, both lived and read about) tends to say they will stop using, but they don't. If you've confronted him about it before and he's lied, it's probably because he doesn't want to stop using porn, and all the discussions in the world won't change his desire to use.

So maybe it's worth asking yourself, Is this a dealbreaker? Can I live with someone who uses porn, especially porn that I find disturbing, or not? Because expecting other people to change their deeply ingrained pleasure-habits for us often leads to heartbreak. Maybe he will quit using porn, but it doesn't seem likely. It's always safer to assume that the other person won't change; that way, we aren't pinning our futures to someone else's actions. The only ones we can change are ourselves. And I'm not suggesting that you change into someone who loves porn -- that seems as unlikely as changing your partner into a non-user. But the pain and confusion in your post is apparent, and I hope you will be able to change something about the situation so that you are happy, with or without him.

Good luck, lady.

[missjuliet]

::hugs::

Thank you for the reply.

Is your boyfriend watching porn really that terrible or am I completely overreacting though?

He says he's given it up forever and I know I shouldn't believe him, but I want to so badly.

We've been together for 2 years and I've never known this side of him, but I want so badly to just forgive and forget. If I ever find out he never even tried to cut back I'd completely break down.

Again, thank you for the reply dear.

<3