[missjuliet]

Dear lovely Bustees,

I know I'm still a newbie here, but I am in a terrible place right now and need some advice.

Today I discovered that my boyfriend has a "porn problem"

My father had a terrible problem with porn as well and it led to my parents divorce. Because of this, porn is a really touchy subject for me.

I've told him about my father and why it upsets me before. I confronted him about it and he lied, but I was sneaky and went on his computer where I saw some really strange things. It had to do with drawn animals and it was really disturbing.

Anyway, I'm terribly upset and was wondering if I'm overreacting.

Do all guys really watch porn?

If you're going out with a guy do you feel it's ok if they do watch it?

And if you feel it's ok do you ever feel upset that he isn't satisfied with you and you only?

I'm so confused and upset.

He said he'd change, but I'm not sure what to believe.

Please help!

<3

[knorl05]

missjuliet- essentially it sounds like you are asking if his behavior is normal.. and whether or not your reaction to it is normal. porn is a question of ethics - of personal morals. you have a very specific reason for hating porn.. the experiences you've had with it have been damaging. perhaps the only bad experience he has had with porn, is that it threatens your relationship. i do not think he has "given up" on porn. he may put off on watching it because it upsets you, but to him there is nothing wrong with porn. he either has to see porn as wrong, or unnecessary, in order for him to stop watching it. maybe he watched porn because it wasnt that big of a deal to him to begin with.. as though maybe he never really had a problem, maybe he just watched it out of boredom, curiousity, or to prove something about his manness. here he has a great, sensitive girlfriend who cares about him a lot. he's willing to give up on an activity that he enjoys for you because YOU ARE WORTH IT. but if in fact it is a problem for him, that could signify sexual addiction, and that is something entirely different. keep your eyes and ears open. dont be blind because it feels easier. if you notice his behavior is a problem for you, you are the one who has to decide whether or not the relationship is worth it.

[missjuliet]

Thank you for the response knorl

First he said he knew what he was doing was a bad habit, but he wrote me a note today stating that he forgot that I was so "sensitive" and not that he had a problem.

I can't tell if he's sincere about giving it up or not.

I have a strong opinion about porn, but that doesn't make my opinion right.

If all guys watch it then isn't it me who has the problem?

::many hugssss::

<3

[tatiana]

If all guys watch it then isn't it me who has the problem?

All guys don't watch it. Porn--whether it's online or video or whatever--just doesn't do anything for some people. It is possible to find guys who don't use it, but whether it's a dealbreaker if your guy does is up to you. It might help to figure out what--write down, I'm a writer; I can't help it--it says to you. Does it mean unfaithfulness? Does it mean disrespect? Does it mean abandonment? If you figure this out you might be better able to explain to your boyfriend what his behaviour is saying to you--and if he is still comfortable with it, maybe you need to think about whether you want someone who is ok doing that to you.

Two years may seem like a long time, but it's not a lifetime. If he doesn't give it up, can you live with it? It's ok if the answer is no, but it's better to admit to yourself that's it's a dealbreaker now than after you've invested more in the relationship. If you're unsure whether you have a grip on your reaction to porn because of your past history, maybe you should go to a few counselling sessions to get an objective opinion as to whether you are rational about this or a joint-session so that an objective outsider can help the two of you discuss it in a meaningful way. This may be too extreme for you.

i wouldn't put up with it, but that's me. I'm ok with the occasional curious look (which I've also done from time to time) but not with compulsive behaviour or daily viewing. It's ok to have your own standards and stick to them--you just have to accept that it may be a dealbreaker.