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> Committed, Part 2, In a relationship and or marriage, not quite the loonybin.
KeraBear
post Mar 18 2011, 08:01 PM
Post #21


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 265
From: USA


Maybe this belongs in a different thread, but I was wondering ... when a guy uses the line, "It's not you, it's me" is it ever really as simple as that? Or is there something more to it that is not being said? My only ever BF said that when he broke up with me recently (therefore my first ever breakup sad.gif Yeah, I don't exactly have a a lot of experience here) and he said that, but I can't help but keep thinking about it... like there HAD to be something about me that led to it, you know? Like I could have said or done something different... help? Thanks.
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strongirl
post Mar 1 2011, 09:30 AM
Post #22


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Posts: 295


(((angie)))

I don't usually post in this thread but I popped in and couldn't help but feel a rush of empathy for what you're going through, Angie. Sounds like a pretty tough time and I'm glad you're lining up support, both in here and with a counselor.

Sometimes there just aren't clear answers and that can make it really hard to know how to proceed. I think you're being very wise to reduce pressure and give yourself some time and space to sort things out. It can be helpful to take a "zen" approach and just observe your feelings without judgment or action. I've found that many of my negative feelings - about myself, my relationships with others, my work, the world in general - are totally understandable and legitimate emotions in the moment...but not things I would want to act on or use to set policy in my life. Anger, resentment, frustration, despair - those are all valid and reasonable feelings that I have from time to time. But if I were to always voice them or act on them, I'd be inflicting damage and pain on myself and others unnecessarily. I'm not recommending that you suppress them or fake a positive outlook, but rather to be open to observing and honoring your negative emotions, listen to what they're really trying to tell you, without letting them rule. Sometimes in doing that, I can eventually see the cause and make adjustments that improve things, whereas if I'd acted sooner on the negative emotions, I might have completely missed the actual problem and destroyed something valuable that was not the real source of my distress.

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stargazer
post Feb 28 2011, 07:29 PM
Post #23


brown delicious
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Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


(((angie_21)))


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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Persiflager
post Feb 28 2011, 06:21 AM
Post #24


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


(((angie)))

Good news about the counselor!

I don't think anyone's ever able to explain why they feel the way they feel when it comes to break-ups. I mean, you can sometimes come up with some ok rationalisations, but ultimately it comes down to just not wanting to be in the relationship any more. And it really, really sucks to be the one left wondering 'Why? What changed?', but there's never any satisfactory explanation.



--------------------
“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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angie_21
post Feb 27 2011, 05:26 PM
Post #25


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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


Two of my friends here just got engaged yesterday. I'm really happy for them but using it as a great excuse to wallow in self-pity.
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anarch
post Feb 26 2011, 08:54 PM
Post #26


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Posts: 873


2nding buttercups.

Sounds like you got some room to breathe anyway. That's always a good thing.

(((angie)))
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buttercups
post Feb 26 2011, 07:03 AM
Post #27


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Posts: 294


* hugs * Angie I'm so sorry to hear that you're not in the best place right now, but I give you a lot of credit for going to see a counselor and trying to work through this with the help of an outside perspective. I think it's also good that you took the pressure off for awhile, sounds like more pressure might be the last thing you need right now. It seems like your bf is being patient too rather than just giving you an ultimatum or something, and I think that is really good because maybe you do just need time to really figure this all out before you make a full decision. Getting through this will teach you a lot more about your relationship and yourself, and I think you're going to come out of this feeling a lot better about things, so hang in there!
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epinephrine
post Feb 26 2011, 01:48 AM
Post #28


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 636
From: Chongqing, China


(((((angie)))))


--------------------
To be free one must give up a little part of oneself.
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angie_21
post Feb 25 2011, 11:24 PM
Post #29


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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


Hey girls. It didn't really go quite how I expected but it was alright, I guess. We ended up talking a lot about my life here, and with the stress of this and school I've been really depressed and kind of messed up. I actually vowed to myself this weekend to stop drinking until the end of the semester because apparently I don't like myself very much right now, enough that after just a couple drinks I get kind of out of control. I finally got in to see a counselor at school this week too, and I am going to keep talking to them until the end of the semester.

I ended up promising not to make any final decisions until I've got my life here sorted out a bit more. It's nice to have the pressure off for a while, and to be able to focus on school finally. I am hoping that the counseling will help me to figure it out. Right now it's a lot of emotions I have no explanations for, and I don't trust myself to make such a big decision when I can't actually answer my boyfriends questions about why I feel the way I feel. I don't know. I am not in a happy place right now.
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anarch
post Feb 25 2011, 03:47 PM
Post #30


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Posts: 873


(((angie)))
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buttercups
post Feb 22 2011, 06:42 PM
Post #31


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Posts: 294


Angie hang in there, I know you're not feeling very strong but you are! You can and will get through this. We are all here rooting for you. I know it's going to be hard to see him, but maybe it will actually make you feel more sure of your decision when you see him and realize even more that the spark is not there. Keep us posted, we are here for you. ** hug**
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angie_21
post Feb 19 2011, 01:39 AM
Post #32


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


Thank you girls. He gets here in a matter of minutes. I will be sure to let you know how this weekend goes. I am not feeling very strong - it is hard not to think about how nice it would be not to be alone in my bed tonight, and to have breakfast together tomorrow like we used to. I have to keep reminding myself how long it's been since we had a real conversation I was interested in during our breakfasts and dinners together. I do want us to have a nice weekend together and get a lot of things sorted out... I just don't want to fall into the trap of familiarity and comfort. I want to stand strong. This weekend will be a real test. It's weird having to fight off uncertainty about it now, now that I've actually made the decision and gone through the biggest step. I guess I have to think of it as just a first step. Thank you for letting me ramble on about it all this time. It has been almost like having a journal, and I've gone back to what I wrote here two weeks ago to remind myself of why I was so certain before, and why I have to stand strong even though I am still afraid it is a mistake.

((busties))
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epinephrine
post Feb 18 2011, 09:22 PM
Post #33


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 636
From: Chongqing, China


(((Angie)))

It may not feel like it now, but you've been very strong. I really admire your honesty and integrity in making such a difficult decision. As someone who's been on both sides of this kind of breakup, I can tell you that I think you're handling it very well. In both cases, for me, the breakup ended up dragging on because we were both too scared to let go, and it was horrible. You'll both be ok. Just keep being honest with yourself and always follow your gut.


--------------------
To be free one must give up a little part of oneself.
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ketto
post Feb 18 2011, 04:27 PM
Post #34


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Posts: 695
From: Winter Land


Angie, this part is the part that I found the hardest. I think you put it perfectly when you said that he's the person you would normally turn to but you can't do that anymore. Talking about a breakup in the abstract is really easy until you realize how much of your identity was made up of that relationship. I think this time is also so hard because it's really easy to second guess yourself. I kept a journal during a breakup and I'm really glad I did because I could read back to the weeks before I ended things and see that all the reasons I wanted to end things were still there, even if I did miss him terribly.

You've still always got lots of support here and like star said, you're grieving now and grief is hard and long and it fucking sucks but you'll push through. (((angie)))


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Meow.
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stargazer
post Feb 18 2011, 04:57 AM
Post #35


brown delicious
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Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


(((angie_21))) This may be premature to say this, but, you will get through this. Just allow your self the emotional space to grieve the loss of the relationship. It is tough for us academics who are used to powering through things from a rational perspective to let go and be emotional without judgment. Keep in contact with your friends who are supportive and keep posting here. I was in a similar space a long time ago and you do heal...part of the healing involves grieving too.

(((angie_21)))


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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Persiflager
post Feb 18 2011, 01:39 AM
Post #36


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 721
From: Babylon


(((((angie)))))

Just be honest with him. Giving him false hope at this stage would be the cruellest thing you could do.

There's every chance that you'll have him back in your life as a friend, once you've both had a chance to heal.

I'm really glad that you've got friends with you to help you through this.


--------------------
“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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angie_21
post Feb 17 2011, 08:51 PM
Post #37


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


Hey girls. I wanted to say thank you for everything. I really haven't been doing alright. Last weekend we talked again and made the breakup more final and I fell into this horrible depression, I completely lost my sense of who I am and what I'm doing with my life. I've never, ever felt that way before. It was terrifying. I've cried every night, not specifically over him, just out of this sense of complete despair that feels like its coming from inside me. I know that sounds ridiculously dramatic but its the only way to say it. I'm not usually an emotional person and I'm completely at a loss for how to understand this.

We had bought a plane ticket for him to visit me this weekend and I told him he could decide if he wanted to come visit me or not. Last night he called, just for a minute, to tell me he would still like to come, even if it's just to say goodbye face to face. I was really happy to hear that he is coming. I still am. Just hearing his voice made me feel better and kind of brought back a bit of my sense of self. I don't know what that means, if it means I'm just in the worst stage of the breakup and missing him, or if I really do need him in my life. It feels like I've lost a part of who I am. He was always the first person I would turn to in any situation, for anything at all, and to not be able to turn to him now when this feels like one of the hardest things I've ever done, it's so hard. But then I talked to one of my friends here and she asked how do I think it's going to feel if I were to try to kiss him when he gets here, and I'm still not really very excited by that idea.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I've missed him so much this week, even though it's the first time in months that I've missed him at all. With things actually being real, this is so different than what I expected.
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futura
post Feb 10 2011, 05:27 AM
Post #38


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Posts: 208


(((((Angie))))))


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"It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something"- Ornette Coleman
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Synergy
post Feb 9 2011, 10:02 AM
Post #39


BUSTie
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Posts: 22
From: europe


(((angie)))

That was a huge step for you. Hope you're doing all right.


--------------------
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

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anarch
post Feb 9 2011, 01:41 AM
Post #40


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Posts: 873


(((angie)))
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