[starpiste]

I agree with bottleblack. I've said that before to people and it really helped.

I have a bit of a thing that might be the end of my current relationship. We've been together for just over 6 months and things are going great. We're talking about moving in together in the summer, and we're both skirting around the love word but taking our time. The big problem is that we have totally different attitudes towards kids. I love them and in 5 or so years really want one - I feel my life would be lacking if I didn't. He, however, dislikes kids and has no interest in having one ever. I knew this would have to be sorted out before we moved in together but I was kind of avoiding thinking about it. We just talked about it on the phone and it ended in us both hanging up in tears. We both don't want to end things at all, but know that this could end things later and would be harder then.

I just feel sick about it.

[bottleblack]

Maybe just try explaining to him that sometimes you just want him to listen, and not necessarily offer advice or try to fix things. I've had to say that to my bf before as well. I know it is a cliche, but it seems women DO just sometimes want empathy while guys want to fix things

[Persiflager]

Ooh ooh, I have a question! I feel silly posting this as it's so petty, but would welcome any advice....

Everything's going super well with Lanky Boy - he's the best boy I've ever met, he adores me and he treats me incredibly well. I've been a bit fed up recently as I don't like my job and I'm looking to leave, and he's been very supportive. The thing is, I like being supported but I also like being independent, and I think it's especially important for me to feel that I'm standing on my own two feet as the work situation has given my confidence a bit of a knock.

What's annoying me is something he said on the phone earlier. We were having a nice chat about our days etc, and I mentioned that I'd decided to stand down from a volunteer role that I've been doing for a couple of years as it takes up a lot of time and I'd like to try some other things. And he said "Could you share the role with someone else? Or have you tried using x software to speed it up a bit?"

Now this annoys me because I hadn't said "Aargh, I'm quitting as I'm too stressed and can't cope with this job!". It's as if he heard an entirely different sentence. What, does he think I'm incapable of thinking of these things for myself? Does he think I'm doing the job wrong, and if I was more efficient it wouldn't take so much time? Dammit, I say what I mean and I mean what I say!

I KNOW that he respects my independence, and that he thinks I'm clever, and that he's only trying to help because he loves me. I just don't understand why he'd say that (and I don't entirely understand why it annoys me so much ).

I don't want to resort to tired cliches about 'men fix problems when women just want empathy', and I don't want to snap at him when he's not done anything wrong! Any advice on how to (1) get him to stop doing it by gentle persuasion, or (2) how to get over myself? I really don't want him to feel bad.

[stargazer]

good luck kitten. it sounds like that book is a good start for you. let us know how things go.

[kittenb]

I think my post may have sounded more dire than I meant it to. My concern isn't how to acceot that he isn't the guy for me. Rather I need to learn about how to get our languages to reflect each others needs. I just ordered the Love Languages book that rv recommended. I think it will help. I put a lot of thought into this. I think we will have a "touch history" conversation tonight about what touch means to him, to me and to us and why I need the words as well. He is very physically affectionate, not just when he wants sex, there is a reason I've started calling him "my lap cat boyfriend." As for him pulling back for a few days, well I know that we as humans do that. I just don't know how to deal with it when it happens at a time that I need more assurance.

To sum up, I don't know how to work on a relationship. I am learning this from the ground up. Ironic that this semester I'll be taking Couples Therapy in school.

[stargazer]

(((kitten))) i've been wondering about the moving situation. yeah, i don't do small talk. re:the geek...i think i remember saying this stuff to you before....but, i think you need to really look at what you want for yourself and looking, objectively, to determine if the geek is the man who can provide these things for you. i think it is key to remind yourself that you are not being judgmental or girly for asking for what you want. us, women, have a terrible time of blaming ourselves for asking for what we want like that is the worst thing a woman can do to a man. i've had this conversation about dating with SO many women in the past year it is ridiculous.

i blamed myself ALOT after my breakup with my ex. i thought i was the one uptight and i spent alot of years dating the wrong men. i feel like i'm back at the beginning when i ended my relationship ltr...i want a commitment and affection. nothing wrong with that. i also think that this time...i'm more willing to do the work. but in all honesty...i was able to do the work then. it just wasn't meant to be with my ex. nothing wrong with that. i only resort to thinking about the past relationship when i don't like the feeling of being alone or question if i made the right decision. but, when i go with my instinct and intuition...i know i've made the right choice.

if it is important to you...you should have the talk. this convo really sets the men from the boys i say....and if he is not willing to do the work, then he is probably not the guy to move in with. who knows. you've done too much work in your life (both personally and professionally) to just settle. never settle. you only betray your own truth and self if you settle.

hang in there dude. don't rush moving in if it doesn't feel right. if need to chat with the accompaniment of cosmos...call me cause i'm your girl for that.

((((kittenb)))

[kittenb]

{{{lolamartini}}} How are you doing now?

The holidays have been a frustrating one for me. I missed The Geek very badly over Christmas but his holiday was so busy and stressful with work that he is just coming down from it now. I feel like he is very emotionally distant and hasn't been very cuddly at all since I got back. I've let him know that I am aware of something seeming weird but haven't pushed for a Conversation. He is not good at the whole talking thing so I am not sure it really would make a difference. But I am afraid if the reason doesn't either become apparent soon or if things don't stop feeling weird I am going to snap. I feel like he has totally gone "to his cave" (say what you want about John Gray and Venus/Mars, I think he got that dead-on) and I can't decide if I should just let him come out of it or if I should make him talk to me. When I ask if something is wrong or if he missed me, he either says no or just makes a joke. Well, in his defense, I haven't really pushed the issue.
I have a feeling that this (both his pulling back and my getting nervous) is stemming from the fact that in a few weeks we are going to discuss moving intogether. I think we are both anxious.

Any advice ladies?

ETA: Another thing that is getting to me lately is that he has never said "I love you," where I haven't said it first. To me, that means that he has never felt it so strongly that he had to get it out. Am I over reading that? I should just ask him, I know, but I have no idea how.

[Persiflager]

Edie, I think you'll always feel worse if you learn the details of your boyfriend's relationships - however they ended, he must have cared deeply for them at some point. But they did end! All of them ended for a reason, and you're the one he's chosen to be with. I wouldn't feel too guilty about peeking (I think it's understandable nosiness), but don't torture yourself by seeking out more details.

And I agree with bottleblack, don't tell him! He'll ask why you looked, you'll explain how you felt, and he'll feel (a) hurt that you don't trust him, and (B) defensive about his past.

[edie52]

Thanks for the replies!

Yes, I feel really positive about going to talk to someone... it was actually my bf who originally suggested it, a few months ago when I was talking through some of my issues with him. He really wants to be supportive but I think it burdens him sometimes. Also, he talked to a counselor a while ago and it was really positive for him.

Stargazer, on what motivated me- he just leaves it lying around! I'd seen it in his room before we lived together, he was in the shower. I skimmed a few pages, thinking "this is some juicy stuff!" but then guiltily put it away. When it resurfaced, at our new place, I was just so unbearably curious that I had to peek and see if it was the same one. It was, and that time I read almost all of it. I felt like shit afterward, sick to my stomach about what I'd read and the fact that I'd read it. I realize that it is a pretty big breach of trust. Especially since I promised myself the first time not to do it again. I've looked at his email a few times as well, when he leaves it open. But this time I really want to commit to not doing that. And part of keeping that promise is finding strength and security in myself. At the same time, I don't see it as a total betrayal, like cheating or something. I'm curious about his past primarily because I love him so damn much.

When you said "when I went looking for things, I usually found it," did you mean that your instincts were making you suspicious, and that snooping confirmed it? I'm not sure I know exactly what you meant. I guess what motivated me to go back to it was my insecurity about how our relationship measures up to his past, and also how his past is more illustrious than mine- something that I had sort of gathered before it was confirmed by The Journal. So, in that sense, your statement makes sense. Stupid, really, I can't change any of that. The only thing I can control is my actions. Problem is, I feel like my anxiety spirals OUT of control.

[bottleblack]

Thanks for the words guys. And edie..I've done this too! My fiance left his email open on my computer once and I found myself sifting through old emails to his ex girlfriend and her replies. I felt so bad! But just..couldnt..turn...away. I would say don't tell him. It will make him most likely angry, understandably, and break some trust. I think it's best to just commit to not doing it again. And i think it's a great idea to talk to a counselor. Maybe they could really help to give insight onto why you might feel certain ways in relationships, or even just help to get it all out to somebody professional.

[stargazer]

edie, what motivated you to read the journal? i know when i went looking for things, i usually found it. if that makes sense. but, there was alot of insecurity and lack of communication in that ltr. if you go alone to counseling, your therapist may want to eventually invite your bf for some couple sessions. good to hear that you are willing to work on the issues in therapy that moving in together have brought to light for you. let us know how things go for you.

[edie52]

Yeah, bottleblack, I think it's normal. I actually describes the way I've felt towards family and close friends, probably even more than a significant other. It makes sense that it could happen with anyone you spend a lot of time with. When I know someone really well I can start getting annoyed when they become predictable or overbearing (or predictable in their overbearing-ness), even though I still love them. It makes me want to shut them out. Are you going through something internally that's making you need to be alone and reflect? If so you should talk to him or someone else about it. And by all means take space if you need it. I would only worry if the feeling drags on and doesn't go away.

So, I have a confession to make: I read my boyfriend's journal. I know I can't be the only one to have snuck a peek at someone else's journal (or email, or stash of old letters...). The problem is, what I read is filling me with a terrible anxiety, even though it was written well before we even got together. Basically, there are quite a few women in his past, and reading about how he felt about them (especially when he had feelings for more than one at once), just makes me feel really vulnerable and even more insecure. I know I need to focus on the present. However, I feel scattered and anxious. Also guilty. But, I don't actually think I should tell him. I have promised myself I would not do it again. I really really don't want him to stop trusting me, and I don't feel it would change much (I mean, nothing can change the past, and what I know). I guess there's a chance he might be forgiving and that I'd feel better.

I'm actually thinking of talking to a counselor (I can go for free at school) about this, and all the other general tangled up insecurities I'm dealing with. I constantly imagine myself as the victim and as the one who will be left. When we first got together last year, it was all happy chemicals and fun and I was simply curious about his past relationships, and accepting. We recently moved in together, and while I felt great about it at first ("no more bullshit insecurity- we are so solid now!" I thought), it's been getting worse. Has anyone else talked to a counselor without their partner about relationship problems?

Whew, just writing about that made me feel a bit better. I guess another aspect of this is me not having many active friendships, and depending on him way too much. I think my new years resolution will be to socialize more.

[Persiflager]

Oh dear random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum, yes! Nothing wrong with you at all. If you need some space, go get yourself some space. I've had to sneak away from my family (with whom I get on very well) for some quality time alone reading or Busting this holiday, which has kept me sane and non-stroppy - home videos with the in-laws is asking a lot.

[bottleblack]

Hi to all you "commited" out there. For some reason I have not really felt like being around my fiance this Christmas. I have been somewhat irritable/emotional, especially around him, and it seems like everything he does annoys me. If he is being very sweet, I find something about it that will irk me. If he is not being sweet and is reacting to the way I am treating him, then I am angry with him. I know it is pretty much all to do with me, and my attitude, and it is not fair to him, but I can't help it! I just want to have some space and avoid him for a few days until I turn less beastly, but the poor guy doesn't understand. I don't want to spend time with his family, I don't want to watch home videos with him, I just want to stay in my room and read. What's wrong with me? Has anyone else felt this way towards their significant other at times??

[Persiflager]

(((lolamartini)))

Damn that man! I've been in a similar situation before, and the thing that made me so angry was that he made me doubt myself - dammit, I wasn't insecure, I was totally right! Never doubting my instincts again.

I'm so sorry that you're hurt and upset. At least now you know that you are not 'crazy girlfriend'.!As you start feeling better, you're going to re-discover who you are and that is going to feel incredible.

P.S. Last time I went through a break-up I discovered the Lounge and spent hours obsessively reading the threads in this area - I can totally recommend that as a way to get perspective and feel less alone, but would warn that it plays havoc with your work-life.....

[lolamartini]

thanks!
Unfortunately, he broke up with me shortly after the post!
Guess I wasn't so crazy for needing so much reassurance... it's been about a week
and I literally feel like my world has ended. I somehow managed to completely forget who
I was over the past year. I am 27 and have had serious relationships, but this has been the hardest
breakup so far. I don't know how to make it feel better

[roseviolet]

LolaMartini, sorry you didn't get a response to your post sooner. Maybe I can help you out a little bit.

I know you feel like you're going crazy, but I think under the circumstances that's a perfectly normal way to react. The guy broke up with you and literally one hour later returned & said he's ready to make a life-long commitment to you? That's REALLY scary behavior ... for both of you. Hell, your average car accident is less frightening then that kind of ordeal.

So how does one get off of this emotional rollercoaster? I don't know you two so I'm definitely no expert, but I think the only way to get past it is to talk. I don't mean that he should just keep reassuring you. I mean you two should talk openly about how you really feel - what makes both of you scared & why. I think the only way to get past this is to be really really open. Put it all out on the table. Warts & all. Listen with an open, supportive, compassionate heart. Once you know what you're each feeling, you can probably calm some fears or help eachother get over some hurdles. Perhaps you'll develop a happy compromise. It's worth a shot, right?

[lolamartini]

not sure that this is the place to post this... but I'm hoping someone has some good advice!
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months.. I am A LITTLE bit older than him and more ready for commitment (move in, marriage, etc).
LONG story short.. the other night he broke up with and said he was not ready for the same type of commitment and he had to live. He came back an hour later, begging me to stay with him -- and he told me he was ready, just scared.
so, the main problem ... I have turned into CRAZY girlfriend. I need constant reassurance, I call and text constantly, I just want him near me so I know he's not going to leave. This, of course, makes him want to get even further away from me!
I am literally driving myself crazy.. not eating, not sleeping, etc.
There has to be someway to stop this freaking cycle

[kittenb]

I've decided that I am still relationship clumsy and kind of transparent.

My family decided to limit Christmas gifts this year, which I was cool with. We never go too crazy and money is TIGHT this year. But I kind of wanted to spoil The Geek. Nothing too expensive and I found all of it on sale. There were a few things I wanted to get for him: a DVD set (from Half.com), a sweater and a picture of the two of us. And then I found Superman pajama pants that he had to have.

So I wanted to let him know I got him more than one thing so there isn't this awkward moment of I gave him a stack of presents and he got me a paperback. And I am pretty sure I came off as greedy. And I am kind of greedy.

[edie52]

Kitten, congrats on the plans to maybe move in together!

My boyfriend and I just moved in together last week. All is well so far. The first few days I was frustrated with the mess and the boxes and little quirks that the apartment has that we didn't know about before moving, but now we're getting settled. I also got a little freaked out about the fact that if I don't like my living situation I can't blame it on roommates, it's a problem with him or with myself... but yeah, things are good now. I went back to my old place yesterday to take care of some stuff and I was agitated just being there. Our new place is much more bright, clean, and tasteful.