[geekchickknits]

((((auralpoison))))

[auralpoison]

Feel free to skip this rant because that's all it is.

Ya can't live with them, ya can't chop them up into little tiny pieces & tell the neighbors they moved to Palm Springs.

I love him, I really do. But his petulance lately has gotten out of hand. I know it's because he's disappointed that I'm still where I am & not with him. We had discussed my *really* moving in with him this time around, instead of my bugging out after a month & a half. I really thought I'd be way further with all of this & I'm not & he's disappointed because he seemed to think I'd be back & in "our" home by the Fourth of July. Needless to say, I wasn't. I really didn't expect to be gone this long & he's been remarkably patient, but the last few months he's been a real pain about the LDR thing even though we spend 3-5 days a month together. It's not like I'm in Iraq or something!

I took a BIG step a few weeks ago & introduced him to my family. I've NEVER done that before, NEVER. It was awkward & weird, but everyone seemed okay with it but him. He was distant & a little cranky. It was a shit weekend & we didn't part company on a happy note. However long later, I got this lovely necklace & a card & stuff & for some reason it kinda made me mad because he bought it A.) to assuage his guilt for being a dick & B.) because he doesn't like my current favorite necklace. It feels like he's just covering his ass & being self-serving to boot.

This is just so hard for us both. We have a really good rhythm together despite our glaring differences. Now that rhythm is all fucked up because I feel obligations to my family & my past.

Since December, three very formative people in my life died & I'm still not handling it well. I still have a lot to do. Early on our relationship, his last remaining uncle died. He went to PA off & on for a couple months & had that shit tied down. This is different for me. This is the dumping of my *parent's* home & belongings. This is my coming to terms with being an Adult orphan. Everyday I find something that makes me want to cry & I envy him his efficiency in TCB, but I just can't do that. I can't.

I'm really thinking that something has got to give, but I don't think it can be me this time around.

[je.ne.sais.pas]

sasygrrl i hear ya

me and the boy don't go anywhere really anymore. about once a month we'll go out to dinner and "dates" are rare. he thinks of great ideas but then when i remind him of it it's as if he lost interest all together.

i thought of something inexpensive even like making a picinic dinner before it starts getting dark early again and he seemed to like the idea, added that we could drink a little at this park he knows of blah blah..... that was over a month ago.

i buy him little surprises, things that i know he likes or needs and yet he gets a red bull and lotto ticket and won't bother grabbing a vitamin water for me.

just wanting to whine i suppose

i miss the way things were

[funk0039]

I dunno if this will help in general, but here goes:

One of the things that I've found odd about both sexes is that when something happens that's mildly irritating, they usually don't say anything to the other person, because either they don't think of it or they think it's not important enough to bother with. The problem with that idea is that frequently we all do this a lot and it adds up after a while. So, eventually you snap and get really ticked off over something that in the long run is really small potatoes. The other person gets really ticked, because from their perspective this came out of nowhere, they probably didn't know they were irritating you in the first place!

So, when you notice a problem that irritates you, wait until you are fully rational, and then just tell him that "When X happens, I feel Y." Be sure you don't word it offensively. Don't say "When you do X I feel Y" because it seems like a personal attack sometimes. Actually, 99% of the time when a man is told that you feel negatively when X was said, he'll scratch his head and tell you what he was thinking at the time, and it WON'T be what you thought he was intending. If you do this sort of thing often enough, you won't argue all that much because you sabotage the process before it gets into gear.

Oh yeah, here's another idea:
When you have had a really bad day or are just irritable, tell your mate before you spend time around him, like say when you enter the door. If he's the helpful sort, tell him what he can do that will help you feel better. I know that having your menses can be REALLY uncomfortable, so when this happens tell him so he can keep that in mind. Who knows, maybe he can do something to help you feel better? At any rate, it really helps to avoid fights if your mate has a heads up that you aren't feeling well.

DON'T just expect him to automatically know what you are thinking, feeling and wanting, no matter how long you've been together. In the absence of information all he can do is guess shamelessly, and sometimes we miss something so the more we know about what's going on inside you, the better.

All of these ideas work both ways, so if you like my ideas, show your mate!

[sassygrrl]

Nadas, I have a love/hate relationship with decorating. Mcgeek will just stand there, and not give me an answer. "Where do you want me to hang this picture??" "I don't know."

Mcgeek is seriously getting on my fucking nerves lately. He basically forgot our 2 year anniversary. I wrote him a really sweet love letter, and I got nada. It just really pissed me off. He did eventually buy me a puppy, but I have to pay him back for it.

We're always having to stress about money (which is one of his major anxieties). I'm new to living together with a man again (I had a very abusive ex-fiancee), so I'm having to get used to his OCD antics. Somedays, it's like living with Monk. I'll do the dishes, and he'll want them done another certain way. It drives me absolutely batshit.

We've had a long talk, and have decided to go to couples counseling for awhile. I really want this to work. I think the stress of the move, a bathroom renovation, and me breaking my toe, has added up to a very frustrating summer. I miss when we were dating, and he bought me nice things. When we actually went on dates.
Ugh!

Moonpieluv, good for you. Carry on!

((everyone))

[lananans]

I hope you had a good day Nadasgirl!

I am very frustrated with my boyfriend right now. I feel like I am always making concessions for his needs - like he needs to study so I am going to be quiet/cook dinner etc etc... and yes, studying is important, but then at the same time, I have been trying to get him to help me decorate for a while now, and he just stands around looking stressed out while I have a drill in my hand then got this scared critical look on his face when I accidentally made a mistake by making the hole too large. I am so mad. I just stopped decorating. There's no fucking point.

Perhaps I am being irrational. But I don't care. I want to punch him.

[NadasGirl]

You know, you all totally rock my socks...right off my feet. ;-) It feels so good to know that, not only are there people out there who really *get* what all of this feels like ( Congrats to you, MPL for getting out!) but that the sense of grounding and level-headedness that I feel in comparison to all of insanity of gaming addiction isn't strange to people who've been here.

We had a talk last night about, starting next week, him being home all the time. I said that, you know, I work on stuff for school at home and the days when he's at work and I don't have to teach, I do things like get up at 7:30 or 8 am, listen to music while I'm in the shower, take bike rides, listen to music while I work, take a nap in the afternoon...basically I just wanted him to know that just because he isn't working, doesn't mean that him sleeping until the afternoon and playing the game all hours of the night is going to fly. I said, you know, it's not fair to me to have to tip toe around the house and not get things done because you're unemployed. He seemed to agree and said that I should continue on with my schedule as I normally do, even if he's there. I know, however, that a totally normal schedule just won't be possible, but I'm really hoping that he takes this conversation to heart and remembers it. Because seriously, if he does become nocturnal...I will totally loose it all over his ass.

That said...I'm taking today off. I'm going out from lunch with by best friend, baking cookies and watching some crappy afternoon television. Nothing stressful, nothing crappy. I think I deserve it, damn it.

[kittenb]

I need to get a bigger skull just so there's enough room for my eyes to roll around in response to their absolute self-absorption.

Oh yeah, I am stealing this line.

Moonpieluv, I want to back up what zoya said. You do seem more focused and clearer of vision. Good for you! I hope things continue on this track for you. Best of luck. I think you are great.

nadasgirl - I don't know quite what to say but other people are saying it really well. Good luck to you!

[ananke]

And lemme just tell you, hardcore gaming babes generally don't hook up with gamers. Two mutually obsessed people makes for a non-relationship. Not to mention the gamer definition of babe is (mostly) so far from something humanly achievable that they spend their time jerking off to 2d.

Wow. I think I'm still slightly bitter about my first boyfriend - avid gamer, banned me playing on game because they ranked on IP address and I might accidentally play on the same IP AND RUIN HIS SCORE HOW COULD I RISK THAT. Who pulled all nighters then rolled in at 10am wanting a bj because he was sooooooo tiiiiiiiiiired...

Sending on the guildies advice (I'm guessing he plays WoW) just really shows he absolutely has not gotten that it's a problem. I don't know where it was (I'm guessing a thread here?) bust someone said write it all down as a really raw first draft, then pull the really obvious important points together and make him read it. Not skim, but read and respond reasonably. Tell him you're thinking of divorce. Tell him it's unacceptable and it isn't about gaming, it's about having an obsession that interferes with life. Get it all out in black and white.

Then make sure you can leave. Because it may come to that. Like I said in my last post, I've had a friend lose their house over online addictions. They're doing it again. Hell. I can see it in my partner gaming so much more since we moved two states away from most of his friends and family - it isn't the hours gaming, it's the absolute blocking of everything around him while he plays. That moment where he gets angry at any interruption (be it a kiss or a request or a laugh). So he pulls back and we do something. He comes shopping or we go to a friends house or we go for a drive or we watch a movie together.

MoonPieLuv - that's so incredibly awesome. You remind me of when my best friend broke up with her idiot ex - it was just such an incredibly awesome change. She (and you) lit up, and made plans and thrived. I'm happy it feels good even through the hurt.

[roseviolet]

((((((((((MoonPieLuv))))))))))))))))))) This sounds kinda strange since I know you're hurting, but congrats! You are a strong, wonderful woman and you should be proud of yourself for walking away from that hellhole. Good for you. There is so much joy and love in your future, I just know it.



NadasGirl, go ahead and write back to her with the truth. Seriously. Her business was personal until she opened up & asked for advice. Since your husband has passed it along to you, this means he is hoping you will add your take to this, right? If so, well then, do it. Tell her the truth: that the incessant gaming has had a major, negative impact on your relationship and maybe you two are just better at faking it in public than other people.

You're right. This is really two junkies helping each other. "My boyfriend doesn't like that I'm addicted to crack. What can I do to make him okay with this?" Please. I need to get a bigger skull just so there's enough room for my eyes to roll around in response to their absolute self-absorption.

Here's how she can make it better: she can cut back her gaming time. She doesn't have to stop altogether, but she (and your husband, of course) need to be able to spend at least 3 nights a week away from the games. That's my opinion as the wife of a man who loves playing video games. I don't think it's too much to ask because, afterall, they're still spending most of the nights of each week playing their damn games instead of interacting with their families. But a few nights a week can make a huge difference.

[zoya]

**delurks**

moonpieluv - I just wanted to point out something that you may not have noticed... but I've noticed that since you decided to leave the relationship - and especially since you put that in motion - your posts have gone from confused and kind of reading "heavy" to being so much more focused and when I read them they just have so much of a "lighter" vibe to them. I get such a sense of relief from you when reading them, I know you did the right thing.

((((moonpieluv))))

**relurks**

[lananans]

(((Moonpieluv))) - you did the right thing for yourself. By the sounds of things you are much better off and on your way to a much happier life, je ne sais pas is right, many would not have the courage to do so, you are very brave!

[je.ne.sais.pas]

moonpieluv

i am so happy for you and your new life, that wasn't healthy nor did it seem that it would be getting healthy at any point soon. you realized your worth and now you have made tons of progress. many don't have the courage you do......

[Moonpieluv]

so I'm out, y'all. OUT.

He acted as if he could care less. derrr...cheesy, but myspace status is changed...as is mine. et voila! He has washed his hands of me. I have washed my hands of him...'cept the hurt. that still lingers.

It's going to be tough for me, at first. He goes on as if nothing happened. I'm the crazy lunatic ex he gets to spout off about to his gaming metalhead friends. I'm sure he's holding out hope that he will meet his fantasy metal babe at his metal festival coming up. yada yada. but such is life. In the end, I know the truth about him. He will end up a lonely man, that is of course...if he actually gets that perfect femmebot gaming girl...which I doubt. No matter though, right? I still have a lot of anger and shock. i DO NOT miss him however, at least at this point.

I'm glad to be living near a bigger city again..although I will have to be practical for a while and live further out for financial reasons.

I'm astonished that someone could have been so inhuman, nonchalant, carefree, heartless, cold...to me. and about the situation. I know that I shouldn't take it personally. It's not me. He hates me for the pettiest of reasons. He really hates me cause I shake his steel wall. I shake his swarmy bratty teenager ways. I shake his facade. I call him the "tin man" who doesn't even want a heart. I hope he rusts with his own tears. I won't be there to oil him up. In fact, no one will.

I truly hope I am able to move on..stronger. I hope I can let go of this anger, hurt, shock. I know I did the best best bestest for myself.

[NadasGirl]

So here's an interesting development...

This morning, I get an IM from S. Apparently a friend of his, from his on-line guild, is pissed at her husband because he pushed the issue of their deteriorating relationship (we never actually talk or do anything together because you're always playing that game.) She too, is currently unemployed, and home all the time. She was asking S for advice about how to make her husband more "okay" with everything....things like..."you two have been married a long time, what do you talk about." The weird thing here is that 1)he sent all of this to me and 2)this really is two junkies helping each other. I so badly wish I could send her an email and say...you know, I feel the same way...we have the same problems. Incessant gaming is a problem. But I can't...because it's not my business. I guess the other thing that really struck me about this is that S seems really oblivious to the problems he and I have, to the point where he considers himself the "expert" about this...expert enough to give other people advice, apparently. Sheesh. I am sort of at a loss for words and thought for what to do about this. In all reality, there probably isn't anything I can actually do besides shake my head.

[lananans]

It is weird... when we were in uni he refused to go to a banquet that i helped organize, because he 'doesn't like dressing up'... but it's for med school orientation so he went... I'm not really upset anymore, apparently his friends called him an idiot and hit him over the head when he showed up without me.

[roseviolet]

Lananans, So sorry to hear about the formal. It seems strange that he went anyway without you, but maybe that's just because most of the guys I know don't really enjoy formal events.

NadasGirl, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a true addict on your hands. I'm so sorry about that. I know this sounds strange, but I wonder if it might help if you contacted an addiction recovery group in your area. Or maybe you can start going to counseling & eventually get your husband to go with you.

[NadasGirl]

MPL- When I have talked to him about the gaming, I usually get one of two responses...
1) It makes me feel normal
or
2) It's just what I like to spend my time doing, why is that a bad thing?

Whenever I say anything about him not spending time with me, it's...ok, then what should we do. Plan something. Initiate everything. Then, guaranteed, anytime I can lure him out of the chamber, he sighs and complains about being bored the entire time we are out. And of course, if we are ever gone anywhere (anytime) the first thing he does is run back to the basement and he starts to play the *second* we get home. It is seriously like he's looking for the next "fix."

The online gaming started about 3 years ago as a replacement for playing Magic: The Gathering, since the people he used to play with, by and large, moved away. Not that I was ever a big Magic fan, but it was so much less bad compared to this. At least when he played magic, he got out of the house and was forced to actually interact with people face to face. Also, the fact that he physically needed another person to play made the play time relatively limited. The online gaming (as you know) has all-the-time availability. Magic though, is also a very,very costly game. I remember one semester, when we were in college, he actually told me that we weren't going to be able to do anything for the rest of the semester (this was in like February) because he didn't have any money. I later found out that he didn't have any money because he'd spent all of his student loan "living expense" money on Magic cards.

I ask him sometimes (or maybe more like tell him) that I always feel like I can never be as interesting to him as the game. He, of course, always denies it...and confronts me about feeling "jealous" of a game. Don't I know, silly, that of course people are more important than a game? What he doesn't realize, is that all of his actions never back that up. In perfect honesty...I have learned things about S, what's going on in his life, and the things that are bothering him from the people he plays the game with before he tells me about them.

I was talking to my mom about this earlier, and she had an interesting insight. She posited that I have grown up and accepted the "adult world" and he is trying as hard as he can to remain in college. You know, I think she may be right. The job he just lost is the job that he's had since he graduated from college. We still live in the same town, he has made NO new friends, and he still plays "fantasy" games constantly. Nothing has ultimately changed for him since he was 20 years old. Me, on the other hand...I have gotten my Master's Degree, and most of a Ph.D, my dad died 4 years ago, I lost my closest aunt and all but one of my grandparents within three years of that day, made new friends, re-evaluated what I wanted to do with my life, supported my mother through 4 major surgeries, and dealt with a marriage that has been crumbling for a year and a half....all while teaching and making grades, and working on my dissertation. I don't list all of those things as a poor me...I list them as a "go me." I have questioned many times in the last year, as a sidenote, if we ever had that much in common, or if we just had the same friends so it seemed like we had a lot in common.
I am very proud of making it through the last five years...it's been tough. I wonder, if I've just gotten to a place in my life where S and I have grown far enough apart, that we aren't really relevant to each other any more. There may not be constant screaming and fighting, but this certainly isn't what marriage should be.

[Moonpieluv]

((Nadasgirl))
What is his response when you have confronted him of his game playing? not spending time with you? How long have you been enduring this?

Update: His mother stopped by yesterday. It was emotional. We cried. She told me how much she loves me. How the whole family loves me. How she realizes the problem is basically not me. She said his inability to be flexible, empathic, engaged with life outside of his gaming, and his defense to the death of it...is what has caused the breakdown and demise of our relationship. The whole family saw it she said while we were on family vacation. It's SO apparent who is to blame. That's right. blame. This guy has SERIOUS issues. The reason why we don't communicate well at all is because I don't just sit there and take it. I don't do what he says...is what he actually said in front of his mother. That I don't pick up after myself and that's why we don't work. Huh? and that, my dears...is a crock of poop. She mentioned the gaming...his response is that gaming is what he likes to do. that's it. Nevermind what others say. He actually told me to shush. to shut it up. in front of his mother. He cannot and will not handle the truth of himself. He HIDES. The whole thing is over to both he and I. He is done. Why? I challenge him. I shake his steel wall. and he hates that. so he hates me.
So anyways...as I said the validation of it all is...comforting. And he has continued to be completely engrossed in his games. He pulled an all-nighter last night. didn't go to bed until 11:30am. Now...he is doing the same thing. What a coward.

All is going smoothly with packing, as well. His mother wants to hang out with me tomorrow. Beach, lighthouse, lunch.
I also spoke with my friend who anxiously awaiting my arrival for a good while. that was good.

I am so ready...scared a bit...but ready to just be single for a good while. I'm excited about strengthening my relationship with myself.

(((Lananans)) No worries...nothing is trite or trivial. It affects you so it's not trivial. I completely understand wanting to do the "prom" night kinda thing. What I don't understand is why he didn't think to invite you in the first place? bringing a date to these kinda functions is commonplace. I'm perplexed. It makes you feel left out. I would feel upset, too. Hope that got all smoothed out for you...thanks for the hug. I need lots of em.

[NadasGirl]

Today I have...
1) Gone out to get breakfast...which took me an hour and I got no response about it when I got home.
2) Cleaned the house
3) Done the laundry
4) Made brownies
5) Made dinner
6) Forced, Forced! S to mow the lawn since I'm allergic to grass....which he bitched about.

And what do I get? A day of sitting by myself while he plays the mother-f-ing game and watches football. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate football...but it makes the gaming so much worse. You should see his lair...you really should. It's like man-cave central, impenetrable by female-kind. Besides, being in the same room, or trying to watch TV in the same room with someone who is talking over headphones and playing an online game is about as fun as someone answering their cell phone in the movie theatre.

I just went down to finish up dinner...and what do I get there? "I'm not that hungry...I'll just heat some up later."

Obviously, I'm pissed...standing there...and what do I get, "Oh, do you have a headache?"

I was just reading the "in praise of singledom" thread thinking...you know, if I lived on my own, at least I wouldn't have my hope for companionship constantly dashed.