The Lounge Guidelines Help Search Members Calendar Blogs

Welcome Guest [ Log In | Register ] ]

> Death Of A Loved One
kcrile
post Aug 30 2006, 01:23 PM
Post #1


BUSTie
**
Posts: 31


Wow!!! Do NOT read this thread at work! I am so close to crying right now. And I do temp work, so it isn't even like I know my co-workers all that well.

THe posts about not wanting to delete someone's number from your cell phone are the ones that kills me. My father died from pancreatic cancer in May 2006 and everytime I scroll through the contacts in my cell phone and run across his number I choke up and have to run and hide somewhere just in case I start bawling. I really wanted to thank Mandolyn for reassuring me that things do get better with time.

BTW - Just in case anyone else has a problem crying, I would suggest watching a sad movie. It really gets the crying jag started and once you are on a roll you can actually cry for the reasons you are actually sad about (i.e. death of a loved one).

Erinjane - I, along with my sisters, step-mother, and cousin were in the room with my father when he passed away and it is such a huge gift to be able to be there with someone you love when they take that final last breath. So as hard as it is to witness, I am also really glad for you and your grandmother that you were able to be there. My heart goes out to you and I will definitely be sending good vibes your way!!!

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
bunnyb
post Aug 30 2006, 01:05 PM
Post #2


The artist now known as I don't give a shit.
***
Posts: 4,053


(((parkaveprincess))) I'm sorry for your loss. I have a sister who was born in Nov '96 and I can't bear to imagine what you're going through.

You may want to have a look at Name All the Animals


--------------------
"Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold? " (Lorelai Gilmore)
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
yuefie
post Aug 29 2006, 03:57 PM
Post #3


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


Hey park ave princess, first of all welcome to BUST. This is a great place for support, the BUSTies have helped me through many a rough time. After reading your post, my heart aches for you. I do not have any answers for you, but wish I did. Never apologize for your posts here, that is what this place is for. Write as much and whatever you need to. I know that for myself sometimes writing it all out and coming back and reading it again helps a little. I do hope you will stick around. I noticed in your post you said you aren't suffering from depression because you are still getting what you need to done, however you did say that you are suffering from being tired, a lack of sex drive. if you have lost interest in things that make you happy those are markers of depression. I would check with your physician, they may really be able to help. Also have you ever attended bereavement counseling of any sort? I do not have any experience with the loss of a younger sibling, but can only imagine the void that would be left if I did. Hopefully someone else out there will have something to add. ((((parkaveprincess)))))
P.S. do stop by and introduce yourself in the newbies thread smile.gif




--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Park Ave Princes...
post Aug 28 2006, 09:31 PM
Post #4


Newbie
*
Posts: 1
From: Long Island, New York


ive been reading posts here since i was like 13 and im 20 now and this is the first time im posting. ive always just taken advice and most of the questions i had were already asked and answered. but now, ive been oing through so much that i feel lik i need to. my post prolly has to go into 700 different threads, but i think the root of my problem belongs here.
when i was 10 i was so excited b/c i finally got a baby sister in november '96...until then, i was an only child. she was born w/ left ventrical hypoplasty which means her left ventricle didnt fully form and because of that, she needed to have surgery. she spent the first month of her life in the hospital and had 1 surgery. she was so tough...3 - 4 nurses had to hold her down just to get blood from her. she had another surgery in june or july, a minor surgery in february and her third, and final, surgery in july of 98...she never recovered from that surgery.
she was 20 months old
to this day, i can't think aboiut it without sobbing. usually wen she comes up (i have another sister now, shes 7, but when peolp;e ask how many sibilings i have, i always say 2...because thats how many i have) its like someone presses play on the recorder in my head the the shorter version just comes out. ive been told that it looks like im there but no ones home when i tell the story. i guess thats how i keep myself sane.
but lately...well not really lately...for about the past 2 years ive been getting more and more upset about ltitle things, my sister is bothering me more...its not getting easier, its getting harder
im not full out depressed b/c i still get outta bed and do wut i hafta do, but not happily. im always tired, no sex drive...
the reason im posting this is b/c im hoping that i can find someone who has lost a younger sibling or knows any good self-help books about it. i can only find coping with the death of an adult sibling, which isnt the same...not even close...

i'll take any advice anyone has...sorry for the novel
Park Ave Princess



--"People forget there is such thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away..." - George Carlin--
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Owl_Gang_Girl
post Aug 10 2006, 03:44 AM
Post #5


BUSTie
**
Posts: 79
From: Aberdeen, Scotland.


Hello folks. My heart goes out to you all. Some of the things here have certainly struck a chord with me especially when sidecar said she still had her brother's number in her called list. My brother is still in my mobile phone book 5 years after his death. Silly little things like that make him seem closer. He was 21 when he died of an accidental overdose and i was just 14. I felt totally abandoned especially when my other brother left to go back to uni just 2 months later. I guess living in an old folks home for 17 years (I'm not joking!) will teach you one thing though. Death happens, alot. That's not to say that we should all be ok with it or feel happy about it or even have to accept it but it's something that helps me keep life light. If anyone out there in bust land ever wants my tender ear then feel free to put your head on my shoulder. I wont try to tell you everything will be ok and (most insultingly) you'll get "over it" one day. But i will listen and i don't care how morbid you think you sound. I'm here for you Ladies. Lean on me.
Big Love.
Xxxxx.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
sidecar
post Aug 1 2006, 08:56 PM
Post #6


Queen of the underground
***
Posts: 1,117
From: the capital of flyover country


((((erinjane))))) I'm also sorry for your loss. I don't think I could be present for a loved one's death like that. Your family is very brave and strong; I hope you can rely on each other in the month's to come.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
yuefie
post Aug 1 2006, 05:01 PM
Post #7


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


(((((erinjane)))) I am sorry for your loss sad.gif

It's nice to hear that you and your family were all together and have eachother's support through this difficult time.



--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
erinjane
post Aug 1 2006, 04:58 PM
Post #8


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


I've been reading this thread because i expected to come in here any day to post.

My grandma passed away this afternoon around 4. Kind of surreal, but not surreal enough to distance myself from it, which I'm glad about. She's been sick for two months, going up and down, and in the last week she went down fast. She lived at a nursing home/hospital and the staff was really great. A spiritual advisor stayed with us for the last two hours and her friend from the next room came in too. My uncle, my parents, and my brothers and sister in law stayed the whole time too. Me and my brothers were her only grandchildren.

I held her hand and watched her breaths get shorter. I could see her heart beat through the hospital gown and I watched it until it stopped. It kept going right until the nurse came in after she stopped breathing to check her pulse. As soon as she turned off the oxygen her heart stopped. We all sat there for an hour. We have a lot of black humour in our family so my dad said, jokingly, "Geez, did anyone expect it to take that long?" We all laughed and it was nice, because that's the kind of family we are.

Such a long day.


--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
sidecar
post Aug 1 2006, 12:31 PM
Post #9


Queen of the underground
***
Posts: 1,117
From: the capital of flyover country


falljackets, i am actually happy that the man who killed my brother survived, and that his family doesn't have to suffer as mine has. hopefully he'll learn from it and i don't envy him having to live with what he's done every day. if nothing else, others have. when my brother died, one of his old friends (also 20) had just had his license revoked. after the memorial service, he went home with his parents and told them he wasn't drinking anymore. he gets his license back this month and he has been sober for a year now.

mando, whenever i hear about someone who got a DUI and saw it as the wake-up call it should be, i am very happy to hear it. i'm from wisconsin, where drunk driving is considered a birthright, and it is something to be taken seriously. anything impairs. it shouldn't have to take what's happened to my family to learn to get a designated driver, walk, or make other plans to keep others -- and yourself -- safe.

(((zora)))) i totally overlooked you before. i can't even imagine your loss. i hope you and your coworkers are okay and taking care of each other.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
erinjane
post Aug 1 2006, 12:05 PM
Post #10


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


*Falljackets, you might want to check out the Survivor's Space in The F-Word. The person who raped me isn't dead, but I know what you mean about thinking of him all the time. Three years have passed and seeing a certain place or listening to a certain song...sometimes I get this scent in the air and it smells just like him. I'm working on getting into a sexual assault crisis program. *



--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
falljackets
post Aug 1 2006, 11:43 AM
Post #11


crush groovin'
***
Posts: 1,661
From: home with the bebe


((((sidecar)))) i know it doesn't help at all to hear that we're all sorry for what happened. but i am. i have had my own issues with drunk driving accidents. i was hit by a drunk three years ago that left me with a broken back. and i know this sounds horrible, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that the fucker that hit me DIED. and his passenger (who also had a BAC of over 2). it's funny, people hear of my accident and they always say, "oh, i hope they got that asshole". and then i say that he died and they're not sure what to say. hey, he paid the ultimate price for his mistake.

sometimes though, i wish i could have gone up to him in a courtroom and showed him my surgical scars and told him about my pain and the way he destroyed my life there for a while. i still deal with depression and general day to day pain. in fact, i have physical therapy today, so it's something that never really leaves me. i'd liked to have been able to punch him in the face or spit on him or something.

sorry for the derailment. i just felt the same way about the flippancy i read in other posts. luck has nothing to do with it. take a fucking taxi.

and, (((zora))). i'm sorry. i hope you can recover from your pain.

i've actually thought of coming in here to talk about my ex. i found out a couple months ago that he committed suicide in august of 2004. i hadn't found out before that because when i left i had to get a restraining order against him and i cut off all communication with him, his family, our mutual friends, etc. i'd been with him from 15yo to about 24yo. he was an addict (pills, alcohol, coke, you name it) and he was emotionally and physically abusive to me. i'm realizing more and more that it was psychological as well. this guy is so firmly entrenched in my fucking psyche and i think of him still nearly every day. i always imagine him at his angriest of times when i think of him. i experienced so many firsts with him. i'm not just talking sexually. i'm talking about first times i heard songs, first time i tasted certain foods, first time visiting places, things like that. so every time i revisit these things, he comes to mind. does that make sense?

and i HATE thinking of him so often. i want my subconscious to be as finished with him as the rest of me. maybe i need to talk to a counselor. if only i could erase those years from my memory...

and i'm sorry for this derailment also. he's certainly not a loved one, but i suppose he was at one point so maybe that does count.


--------------------
to love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides - Viscott
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
mandolyn
post Aug 1 2006, 10:44 AM
Post #12


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,464


(((zora))) heartfelt sympathy, sweetie. i lost a friend and a dear cousin to suicide over 25 years ago and it still hurts. i still feel in my heart i could've done something, even tho my head knows that's not true.

(((sidecar))) i know it's not the same, at all, but i feel like i nearly lost my brother - but on the other end of the spectrum. he had 3 dui's before he finally wound up in jail. it broke my heart to see him in that orange jumpsuit, but i thank all things holy that that judge somehow knew that jail, even if only for a month, would shock him into the reality of where he was heading. he's totally turned his life around and is getting his license back next year.

i know with all my heart that if he'd killed someone, he'd have died inside also. i know he thinks about how close he came every day.

and i don't mean to sound holier-than-thou about it. because i've been behind the wheel when i shouldn't have been. and not that many years ago, either. for which i'm plenty ashamed. i hope i've never said anything flippant in here to offend you.

(((yuefie))) anniversaries do get easier. somehow. i can't explain it, but they do. but every once in a while, they'll gut you again.


--------------------
"... what i want is what i've not got
and what i need is all around me."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
raisingirl
post Aug 1 2006, 09:02 AM
Post #13


PANTIES! ew.
***
Posts: 1,762


(((((((I'm really sad for all of you.))))))))
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
sidecar
post Aug 1 2006, 08:44 AM
Post #14


Queen of the underground
***
Posts: 1,117
From: the capital of flyover country


QUOTE
Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving.


I get completely enraged over it. My brother, despite his tender age, was developing a substance habit, in my opinion. He was the baby of our family, and often indulged, and while i think we all wanted to chalk it up to youthful indiscretion, his use of booze and pot was problematic. He was visiting some friends and went out that night with a friend of a friend to a couple parties where they both drank and smoked some pot (my dad goes to great lengths to insist it was second hand in my brother's case but i am not so naive), then went to a denny's around 2 or 3 am. the friend of a friend was driving. they walked out on their bill at denny's and the cops were called. when the kid who was driving saw the sirens, he decided to outrun the cops, hit a curve, and was thrown from the car as it flipped over an embankment. my brother wore his seatbelt and died from massive head injuries about sixteen minutes later. the driver survived. he has 10 years probation, one year in jail, one year of a revoked license (the maximum allowed by law in that state), a few rods in his legs, and 300 hours of community service, which must include speaking to high school students about what happened to him. i used to feel sorry for him, but then at the hearing for his sentencing, when the judge asked him if he had anything to say to our family (and by "our family" i mean virtually my entire extended family; every one of my dad's brothers and sisters and my cousins on that side showed up), he said, "Not at this time."

the whole night was a celebration of bad judgement. Take away any one of those bad decisions on either of their parts, and he's still alive. i don't want to diminish my brother's role in any of them ... but you can see why it always comes down to "what a fucking waste."

Truthfully, after I found out about the bill at Denny's and that my brother was alive for sixteen minutes after the accident, I told my mom I didn't want to know about anything else from the accident. It turns my stomach just knowing what I know. Hell, it turns my stomach that he's dead.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
yuefie
post Jul 31 2006, 10:30 PM
Post #15


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


QUOTE(sidecar @ Jul 31 2006, 09:22 PM) *
I see my life as split into Before He Died and After He Died. And while I am closer to BHD Stevie than I have been since the accident, I will never be that girl again. Day to day gets easier; it never lets up in the long term.

It's been almost two years and I can't bring myself to remove my brother's name from the frequent contacts list in my fucking phone. Like it's going to bring him back or something.

I think I'm stuck in the anger phase these days. Whenever it comes up, whenever I feel compelled to say something about it, it always ends with me muttering "What a fucking waste." Because it was. Twenty-year-old kids shouldn't die in car accidents.
I would be so fucking angry, sidecar. My friend's mom was hit as a teenager by a drunk driver and survived. Her left leg however did not. It was not taken immediately by the accident, but because of it she had major vascular problems her entire life. She ended up having to have it amputated last year, after a lifetime of struggle with both pain in the leg and myopathy in the foot. This woman loved to dance almost as much as she loved being a hairdresser, both activites which required her being on her feet for long periods of time. She is now adjusting to life in a wheel chair or trying to use a prosthetic. She is so depressed and has frequent bouts with infection. She just had her twentysomething surgery on Wednesday. Whenever I hear about someone being arrested for DUI, I think evil, heinous thoughts like "oh, too bad they didn't drive off a cliff". Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving. I can only imagine how they made you feel. ((((Stevie))))



--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
sidecar
post Jul 31 2006, 10:05 PM
Post #16


Queen of the underground
***
Posts: 1,117
From: the capital of flyover country


I see my life as split into Before He Died and After He Died. And while I am closer to BHD Stevie than I have been since the accident, I will never be that girl again. Day to day gets easier; it never lets up in the long term.

It's been almost two years and I can't bring myself to remove my brother's name from the frequent contacts list in my fucking phone. Like it's going to bring him back or something.

I think I'm stuck in the anger phase these days. Whenever it comes up, whenever I feel compelled to say something about it, it always ends with me muttering "What a fucking waste." Because it was. Twenty-year-old kids shouldn't die in car accidents.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
girlygirlgag
post Jul 26 2006, 01:23 PM
Post #17


Super BadAss
***
Posts: 705
From: Your mom's house.


I don't think it ever gets easier.


--------------------
Constantly on.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
yuefie
post Jul 26 2006, 01:16 PM
Post #18


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


I would just like to know, when the hell does it become easier on holidays and birthdays of the deceased loved ones? You know, time heals all wounds and all that BS. It's been nearly six years since my mama died and her birthday is still just as hard for me as it was the first year and every year since. The only day that is harder for me is the anniversary of her death. Yeah, that one sucks big donkey balls. I am ok with death, it happens, it's the cycle of life. But I am not okay with how much I miss her and that I find it hard to remember the sound of her voice.


--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
yuefie
post Jul 24 2006, 11:49 PM
Post #19


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


(((((((zora)))))))) I am so sorry sweetie. It'is a special brand of grief when the death is a suicide. I don't know what else to say except I am sorry you are having to go through this sad.gif

I am glad you restarted this thread.



--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
zora
post Jul 24 2006, 11:41 PM
Post #1







I just had a co-worker and a friend commit suicide and I'm pretty broken up about it. We weren't very close, but we were getting to be. When I found out he died, my first thought was, "No....not him.....we were just begining to be friends."
I feel pretty terrible and so do a lot of my co-workers. Everyone's been really good to eachother and giving hugs plus they brought in a greivence counseler and she talked to a group of us today.

I want to know when I will finally accept that he's gone, for good. I still can't believe it.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
8 Pages V   1 2 3 > »   
Start new topic

8 Pages V   1 2 3 > » 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Lo-Fi Version Time is now: July 27, 2014 - 11:16 PM