[mandolyn]

(((luxi))) i'm so sorry for your losses. i'm also staggered by your losses. that's a helluva lot of anger and grief and despair to carry inside, all alone. i very much understand not being to deal with listening to platitudes and cliches, no matter how well-meaning friends, family, therapists are. but ... i don't know. i think you should at the very least try to get it all down in writing or something. i hope you don't read this as my being holier than thou. i'm just .... worried about you.

then again, i'm a pro at pushing it all down & muddling thru. god only knows how it's manifesting itself in my behavior. so what the hell do i know?

(((Park Ave Princess))) i'm sorry about losing your sister. i lost an older sister, but i was barely a year - she was only two - so of course i don't remember her. it's been 40+ years, and my mother has only just recently starting talking to me about the details. which has explained alot, really. (why my mother and i are so close, and why she waited 9 yrs to have another child after me.)

good for you, for finding the courage to post. i hope you continue to join in.

[luxi]

I've just re-registered after being gone for months/years. (whats with always having to re-register by the way?) Anyhow, I've reintroduced myself in the newbies since it's been so long. It's great to be back.

Having someone you love die is always hard but for some reason it always seems more difficult the younger they are. Like you feel that much more cheated or something. And if that person is close to you in age there's the whole self mortality issue at hand as well. Death is part of life, that's fine, but it still sucks so matter what anyone says.

My dad committed suicide about 2 months ago. I haven't talked to anyone about it at all. I feel like if you haven't lost someone close to you yourself, then you'll have no freaking clue how it feels. I don't know if that's fair or not, but I can't stand to hear "I know how you feel" when really...that person has no experience with anything like it. That's one of the things I like about Bust, there's always another Bustie who is or has dealt with whatever issue you may be going through in your life.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in the throat a little over a year ago. My dad had been in a work related accident about 6 years prior and hadn't been working. He had no insurance of any kind but he was in Vietnam so he received treatment at the VA Hospital for free. Treatment went fine and everything appeared to be cleared up. However because of it being in his throat, he had massive radiation treatment to his whole mouth area. He wouldn't be able to use dentures for at least a year or it would have ruined his gums and bone in his mouth. He had to have Ensure shakes pumped directly into his stomach because he couldn't barely swallow anything (not entirely true). He couldn't taste anything because of the accident from years ago. Not being able to taste, smell or even eat anything really took a toll on him.

I moved away from home about 2 years ago. I flew home for Christmas for 2 weeks and it was the first time I had been back. He had just finished his radiation treatments. A few months after that my brother told me my dad had been talking about how he wasn't going to be around that long. He had a problem with alcohol for years but it really came to a head. He went from drinking half a fifth, to an entire fifth to....whatever is the next largest bottle after a fifth, not quite sure (between a fifth and a gallon) on a DAILY basis. I decided I had to take another trip home. So I did, the day before I arrived he had a suicide attempt. I stayed for about a month and went home. My brother and I tried to get him to stop drinking and tried talking to him about things but we weren't getting anywhere. I was home a week and he killed himself. He shot himself with a shot gun in the chest. It's hard even typing it without getting teary eyed. It still seems unreal, even after the funeral and 2 months later. The cancer didn't kill him directly, the treatments went well but his mental health suffered the most. I'm angry that the doctors didn't do more even though I feel like there really wasn't anything that could have been done. It just seems fucked up to know that your patient just attempting suicide and yet the doctor doesn't even make mention of it.

My mother died from cancer when I was 12 and that was something I never really got over. It was a defining event in my life. So when my dad died, I didn't just lose my dad. I lost both of my parents. I'm so angry that I'm only 23 and both my parents are dead. I haven't graduated college yet and I have no parents. There were events in my life that I wished my mom was around for: prom, graduationg high school, going to college. Now I imagine getting married and having kids without a mom OR a dad and it just makes me so angry. Not angry at anyone or anything in particular, it just seems so unfair. I'm even mad my brother (older by 7 years) had them in his life longer than me. He has kids who at least knew their grandfather. My kids, if I ever have any, won't have that. He had financial help from my dad in buying a house: I'm all on my own. Of course I'm not angry AT my brother, nor do I think that any of this was any easier on him.

Oy, so anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I like reading other Busties experiences and knowing that even though each of our situatons are unique to us, we can still relate and support each other.

(((hugs for all)))

[auralpoison]

(((((GGG)))))

You are one really serious, insensitive asshole, aren't you AB? I'd have like to have thought that you'd leave threads like this alone, but no. Your sick need for any kind of attention trumps your sense of decency.

[girlygirlgag]

((((kcrile)))))

My Stepfather died of Pancreatic Cancer in April of 04. It was devastating.

[sidecar]

(((parkaveprincess))) My brother was 20 when he died, which made him an adult but just barely, and I was 26. I had a hard time finding resources for people who had lost siblings. A book that helped me a lot was a novel, actually, by Adam Rapp, called Under the Wolf, Under the Dog. I also saw a grief counselor--two different ones. One was very helpful, one was okay but did what needed to be done. I also found a support group that I only visited a few times, but it did a lot for me to talk to others who had lost siblings.

I don't think I'll ever be able to delete his number out of my cell. I called it by accident a few weeks ago and nearly burst into tears when I got the "this number is not in service" message.

[kcrile]

Wow!!! Do NOT read this thread at work! I am so close to crying right now. And I do temp work, so it isn't even like I know my co-workers all that well.

THe posts about not wanting to delete someone's number from your cell phone are the ones that kills me. My father died from pancreatic cancer in May 2006 and everytime I scroll through the contacts in my cell phone and run across his number I choke up and have to run and hide somewhere just in case I start bawling. I really wanted to thank Mandolyn for reassuring me that things do get better with time.

BTW - Just in case anyone else has a problem crying, I would suggest watching a sad movie. It really gets the crying jag started and once you are on a roll you can actually cry for the reasons you are actually sad about (i.e. death of a loved one).

Erinjane - I, along with my sisters, step-mother, and cousin were in the room with my father when he passed away and it is such a huge gift to be able to be there with someone you love when they take that final last breath. So as hard as it is to witness, I am also really glad for you and your grandmother that you were able to be there. My heart goes out to you and I will definitely be sending good vibes your way!!!

[bunnyb]

(((parkaveprincess))) I'm sorry for your loss. I have a sister who was born in Nov '96 and I can't bear to imagine what you're going through.

You may want to have a look at Name All the Animals

[yuefie]

Hey park ave princess, first of all welcome to BUST. This is a great place for support, the BUSTies have helped me through many a rough time. After reading your post, my heart aches for you. I do not have any answers for you, but wish I did. Never apologize for your posts here, that is what this place is for. Write as much and whatever you need to. I know that for myself sometimes writing it all out and coming back and reading it again helps a little. I do hope you will stick around. I noticed in your post you said you aren't suffering from depression because you are still getting what you need to done, however you did say that you are suffering from being tired, a lack of sex drive. if you have lost interest in things that make you happy those are markers of depression. I would check with your physician, they may really be able to help. Also have you ever attended bereavement counseling of any sort? I do not have any experience with the loss of a younger sibling, but can only imagine the void that would be left if I did. Hopefully someone else out there will have something to add. ((((parkaveprincess)))))

P.S. do stop by and introduce yourself in the newbies thread

[Park Ave Princes...]

ive been reading posts here since i was like 13 and im 20 now and this is the first time im posting. ive always just taken advice and most of the questions i had were already asked and answered. but now, ive been oing through so much that i feel lik i need to. my post prolly has to go into 700 different threads, but i think the root of my problem belongs here.
when i was 10 i was so excited b/c i finally got a baby sister in november '96...until then, i was an only child. she was born w/ left ventrical hypoplasty which means her left ventricle didnt fully form and because of that, she needed to have surgery. she spent the first month of her life in the hospital and had 1 surgery. she was so tough...3 - 4 nurses had to hold her down just to get blood from her. she had another surgery in june or july, a minor surgery in february and her third, and final, surgery in july of 98...she never recovered from that surgery.
she was 20 months old
to this day, i can't think aboiut it without sobbing. usually wen she comes up (i have another sister now, shes 7, but when peolp;e ask how many sibilings i have, i always say 2...because thats how many i have) its like someone presses play on the recorder in my head the the shorter version just comes out. ive been told that it looks like im there but no ones home when i tell the story. i guess thats how i keep myself sane.
but lately...well not really lately...for about the past 2 years ive been getting more and more upset about ltitle things, my sister is bothering me more...its not getting easier, its getting harder
im not full out depressed b/c i still get outta bed and do wut i hafta do, but not happily. im always tired, no sex drive...
the reason im posting this is b/c im hoping that i can find someone who has lost a younger sibling or knows any good self-help books about it. i can only find coping with the death of an adult sibling, which isnt the same...not even close...

i'll take any advice anyone has...sorry for the novel
Park Ave Princess


--"People forget there is such thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away..." - George Carlin--

[Owl_Gang_Girl]

Hello folks. My heart goes out to you all. Some of the things here have certainly struck a chord with me especially when sidecar said she still had her brother's number in her called list. My brother is still in my mobile phone book 5 years after his death. Silly little things like that make him seem closer. He was 21 when he died of an accidental overdose and i was just 14. I felt totally abandoned especially when my other brother left to go back to uni just 2 months later. I guess living in an old folks home for 17 years (I'm not joking!) will teach you one thing though. Death happens, alot. That's not to say that we should all be ok with it or feel happy about it or even have to accept it but it's something that helps me keep life light. If anyone out there in bust land ever wants my tender ear then feel free to put your head on my shoulder. I wont try to tell you everything will be ok and (most insultingly) you'll get "over it" one day. But i will listen and i don't care how morbid you think you sound. I'm here for you Ladies. Lean on me.
Big Love.
Xxxxx.

[sidecar]

((((erinjane))))) I'm also sorry for your loss. I don't think I could be present for a loved one's death like that. Your family is very brave and strong; I hope you can rely on each other in the month's to come.

[yuefie]

(((((erinjane)))) I am sorry for your loss

It's nice to hear that you and your family were all together and have eachother's support through this difficult time.

[erinjane]

I've been reading this thread because i expected to come in here any day to post.

My grandma passed away this afternoon around 4. Kind of surreal, but not surreal enough to distance myself from it, which I'm glad about. She's been sick for two months, going up and down, and in the last week she went down fast. She lived at a nursing home/hospital and the staff was really great. A spiritual advisor stayed with us for the last two hours and her friend from the next room came in too. My uncle, my parents, and my brothers and sister in law stayed the whole time too. Me and my brothers were her only grandchildren.

I held her hand and watched her breaths get shorter. I could see her heart beat through the hospital gown and I watched it until it stopped. It kept going right until the nurse came in after she stopped breathing to check her pulse. As soon as she turned off the oxygen her heart stopped. We all sat there for an hour. We have a lot of black humour in our family so my dad said, jokingly, "Geez, did anyone expect it to take that long?" We all laughed and it was nice, because that's the kind of family we are.

Such a long day.

[sidecar]

falljackets, i am actually happy that the man who killed my brother survived, and that his family doesn't have to suffer as mine has. hopefully he'll learn from it and i don't envy him having to live with what he's done every day. if nothing else, others have. when my brother died, one of his old friends (also 20) had just had his license revoked. after the memorial service, he went home with his parents and told them he wasn't drinking anymore. he gets his license back this month and he has been sober for a year now.

mando, whenever i hear about someone who got a DUI and saw it as the wake-up call it should be, i am very happy to hear it. i'm from wisconsin, where drunk driving is considered a birthright, and it is something to be taken seriously. anything impairs. it shouldn't have to take what's happened to my family to learn to get a designated driver, walk, or make other plans to keep others -- and yourself -- safe.

(((zora)))) i totally overlooked you before. i can't even imagine your loss. i hope you and your coworkers are okay and taking care of each other.

[erinjane]

*Falljackets, you might want to check out the Survivor's Space in The F-Word. The person who raped me isn't dead, but I know what you mean about thinking of him all the time. Three years have passed and seeing a certain place or listening to a certain song...sometimes I get this scent in the air and it smells just like him. I'm working on getting into a sexual assault crisis program. *

[falljackets]

((((sidecar)))) i know it doesn't help at all to hear that we're all sorry for what happened. but i am. i have had my own issues with drunk driving accidents. i was hit by a drunk three years ago that left me with a broken back. and i know this sounds horrible, but the only positive thing that came out of it was that the fucker that hit me DIED. and his passenger (who also had a BAC of over 2). it's funny, people hear of my accident and they always say, "oh, i hope they got that asshole". and then i say that he died and they're not sure what to say. hey, he paid the ultimate price for his mistake.

sometimes though, i wish i could have gone up to him in a courtroom and showed him my surgical scars and told him about my pain and the way he destroyed my life there for a while. i still deal with depression and general day to day pain. in fact, i have physical therapy today, so it's something that never really leaves me. i'd liked to have been able to punch him in the face or spit on him or something.

sorry for the derailment. i just felt the same way about the flippancy i read in other posts. luck has nothing to do with it. take a fucking taxi.

and, (((zora))). i'm sorry. i hope you can recover from your pain.

i've actually thought of coming in here to talk about my ex. i found out a couple months ago that he committed suicide in august of 2004. i hadn't found out before that because when i left i had to get a restraining order against him and i cut off all communication with him, his family, our mutual friends, etc. i'd been with him from 15yo to about 24yo. he was an addict (pills, alcohol, coke, you name it) and he was emotionally and physically abusive to me. i'm realizing more and more that it was psychological as well. this guy is so firmly entrenched in my fucking psyche and i think of him still nearly every day. i always imagine him at his angriest of times when i think of him. i experienced so many firsts with him. i'm not just talking sexually. i'm talking about first times i heard songs, first time i tasted certain foods, first time visiting places, things like that. so every time i revisit these things, he comes to mind. does that make sense?

and i HATE thinking of him so often. i want my subconscious to be as finished with him as the rest of me. maybe i need to talk to a counselor. if only i could erase those years from my memory...

and i'm sorry for this derailment also. he's certainly not a loved one, but i suppose he was at one point so maybe that does count.

[mandolyn]

(((zora))) heartfelt sympathy, sweetie. i lost a friend and a dear cousin to suicide over 25 years ago and it still hurts. i still feel in my heart i could've done something, even tho my head knows that's not true.

(((sidecar))) i know it's not the same, at all, but i feel like i nearly lost my brother - but on the other end of the spectrum. he had 3 dui's before he finally wound up in jail. it broke my heart to see him in that orange jumpsuit, but i thank all things holy that that judge somehow knew that jail, even if only for a month, would shock him into the reality of where he was heading. he's totally turned his life around and is getting his license back next year.

i know with all my heart that if he'd killed someone, he'd have died inside also. i know he thinks about how close he came every day.

and i don't mean to sound holier-than-thou about it. because i've been behind the wheel when i shouldn't have been. and not that many years ago, either. for which i'm plenty ashamed. i hope i've never said anything flippant in here to offend you.

(((yuefie))) anniversaries do get easier. somehow. i can't explain it, but they do. but every once in a while, they'll gut you again.

[raisingirl]

(((((((I'm really sad for all of you.))))))))

[sidecar]

Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving.

I get completely enraged over it. My brother, despite his tender age, was developing a substance habit, in my opinion. He was the baby of our family, and often indulged, and while i think we all wanted to chalk it up to youthful indiscretion, his use of booze and pot was problematic. He was visiting some friends and went out that night with a friend of a friend to a couple parties where they both drank and smoked some pot (my dad goes to great lengths to insist it was second hand in my brother's case but i am not so naive), then went to a denny's around 2 or 3 am. the friend of a friend was driving. they walked out on their bill at denny's and the cops were called. when the kid who was driving saw the sirens, he decided to outrun the cops, hit a curve, and was thrown from the car as it flipped over an embankment. my brother wore his seatbelt and died from massive head injuries about sixteen minutes later. the driver survived. he has 10 years probation, one year in jail, one year of a revoked license (the maximum allowed by law in that state), a few rods in his legs, and 300 hours of community service, which must include speaking to high school students about what happened to him. i used to feel sorry for him, but then at the hearing for his sentencing, when the judge asked him if he had anything to say to our family (and by "our family" i mean virtually my entire extended family; every one of my dad's brothers and sisters and my cousins on that side showed up), he said, "Not at this time."

the whole night was a celebration of bad judgement. Take away any one of those bad decisions on either of their parts, and he's still alive. i don't want to diminish my brother's role in any of them ... but you can see why it always comes down to "what a fucking waste."

Truthfully, after I found out about the bill at Denny's and that my brother was alive for sixteen minutes after the accident, I told my mom I didn't want to know about anything else from the accident. It turns my stomach just knowing what I know. Hell, it turns my stomach that he's dead.

[yuefie]

I see my life as split into Before He Died and After He Died. And while I am closer to BHD Stevie than I have been since the accident, I will never be that girl again. Day to day gets easier; it never lets up in the long term.

It's been almost two years and I can't bring myself to remove my brother's name from the frequent contacts list in my fucking phone. Like it's going to bring him back or something.

I think I'm stuck in the anger phase these days. Whenever it comes up, whenever I feel compelled to say something about it, it always ends with me muttering "What a fucking waste." Because it was. Twenty-year-old kids shouldn't die in car accidents.

I would be so fucking angry, sidecar. My friend's mom was hit as a teenager by a drunk driver and survived. Her left leg however did not. It was not taken immediately by the accident, but because of it she had major vascular problems her entire life. She ended up having to have it amputated last year, after a lifetime of struggle with both pain in the leg and myopathy in the foot. This woman loved to dance almost as much as she loved being a hairdresser, both activites which required her being on her feet for long periods of time. She is now adjusting to life in a wheel chair or trying to use a prosthetic. She is so depressed and has frequent bouts with infection. She just had her twentysomething surgery on Wednesday. Whenever I hear about someone being arrested for DUI, I think evil, heinous thoughts like "oh, too bad they didn't drive off a cliff". Sorry for the derailment, I've just been so disgusted by the flippant remarks regarding drunk driving. I can only imagine how they made you feel. ((((Stevie))))