[i_am_jan]

Abortion is legal in this country. But one of the things the anti-choice have been successful at is making it taboo to talk about it if you made the choice to have one. Hush hush. And what if you were trying to make the decision whether to have a baby or not? Silence makes it difficult for people to ask one another about it or get any input from the people who've actually experienced it. I think now is as good a time as any to break the silence. And besides, I've never really discussed it that much.

It happened when I was 16 years old. My very first boyfriend. My very first sex.

I hadn't even taken an algebra class yet. Or an American Literature class.

My parents, I knew, were conservative Christians who would never let me choose anything for myself, including religion, friends, lifestyle, classes in school I wanted to take. Not even my boyfriend, who they hated simply because he was my boyfriend. I knew I couldn't go to them unless I wanted to have a baby at the age of 16 and be a mother throughout high school, college and for the rest of my life.

I grew up with five brothers and sisters in my house and several foster children as well throughout the years. I knew I didn't like being around other people that much. I knew I didn't like being responsible for my little sisters the way my parents always tried to make me, I didn't like being held accountable for others' behavior.

Bottom line: I didn't need to have many years under my belt to KNOW - just KNOW - in my gut - WITHOUT a question - knowledge and wisdom that I know in my heart came straight from Mother Nature - and was the essence of my very being and nature- that I was not cut out to be a parent. And I knew in my heart - that early on - that that would NEVER change.

No matter what I have ever seen, nor what anyone has ever said to me, that has remained true. TRUE.

I understand there are others who have questioned their decision to have an abortion, and I can certainly understand why a person might, and is certainly free to do so. But I personally knew without question after having thought it through.

If I had wanted to be a parent, I would have simply told my parents and went ahead and told them and become a mother. But there were too many other things I still wanted to do with my life and motherhood was not one of them.

I am almost 40 years old now and this remains true. Never have I been even remotely tempted to be a parent. The concept of someday possibly adopting does sound tempting to me when I choose to entertain thoughts of helping out a poor little helpless child who is already here through no choice of her own. But in my heart, I know that even that would not be for me probably.

So my boyfriend took me to see a doctor at the clinic. It was confirmed I was pregnant. We made a date to have the abortion and we kept it.

I've never wavered for one minute thinking that maybe it wasn't the perfect thing for me to do. I know that God told me that being a parent was not for me.

I also knew after it happened one thing: that I would get some form of birth control - which I did immediately by having my boyfriend pick up a bunch of rubbers - because I never wanted to go through the trauma again of having to make that decision, stress and worry, have my body invaded like that again. Go to a hospital. Put my life in the hands of doctors. Know what they were doing down there when I was having the abortion. Bleed for hours afterward. Take the pills afterward. Not be able to sleep. I did not ever want to have that happen to me again.

I'm so very glad abortion is legal and available and was an option for me.

I LOVE children by the way. My nieces and nephews, children of friends and strangers, I love them to pieces. The responsibility and caretaking of them is not for me however.

But mostly I just feel sorry for children in THIS world.

It's funny when people ask me so seriously "do you ever regret your decision to have an abortion?" I could never even imagine regretting it. The only thing I regret is getting pregnant in the first place and having to have it done.

Fortunately, we live in a world where abortion is legal and if I ever got pregnant again, I would have another abortion. But that would suck.

I am glad I live in a world where it is legal to talk about this stuff. That felt pretty good to say that stuff.

[thepointybird]

Jan - yeah, I'd been to England many times before the termination, we used to have family holidays on the north west coast of England when I was a child. I don't think I'd have told my parents if I could have helped it though, simply because the whole thing would have been a lot easier without the screaming rows that ensued with them! In the end they came through for me though, and gave me the money etc, although I had to pay my dad back every last penny in installments from my social security cheque! I think they were still pretty cut up about it. But I guess they eventually figured that the child they already had was more important to them than a potential one...

Treehugger, sounds like your experience with this guy was a nightmare. Did he know about the abortion? Did he approve, or would he have liked you to have had the baby? I was lucky in a way that I didn't have to think about the father's feelings on the matter - he was a guy I knew vaguely and had a one night stand with, and by the time I even knew I was knocked up he'd disappeared off to live in Amsterdam. It's an interesting discussion though, everyone's experiences are so different.