[samiam]

Just when I was feeling pretty good about this whole situation, the boy's check bounces. Yup, his half of the cost, covered in full by me, was given to me in the form of a check on Sunday night. Then he left for South America, for 6 months. On Wednesday morning (when he was still stateside, with his mom visiting family before he flew out from the Bay today) he texted me to not deposit the check for a few days, but it was already done. I texted back telling him as much, got no reply. I am pissed.

[samiam]

Thanks for all you support, ladies. I was talking to my room mate today about how much better I feel. It's amazing. I feel exactly the way I wanted to -- relieved. <<big sigh>>

[shinyx3]

see sam, you are strong! I am glad you made it through this so well.

[samiam]

Well, it's done. You know what? I feel better than I have in weeks. Seriously. I ended up deciding to go with the surgical option, and although it hurt like a mother fucker, it was the right decision for me. I just wanted this over with. Everyone at the Planned Parenthood was awesome, supportive, kind, and real. Unlike my experience 9 years ago, I felt like I was in the right place at the right time. It was a long day, though. 3.5 hours driving there, 7 hours in the office, and 4.5 hours driving back. Then i got up and took a test at 7:30 this morning. Took a short nap and have been cleaning. 9 years ago I bled and bled and had so much pain that I remember sitting on the couch for days with a heating pad. Today i am barely bleeding and feel fine. Perhaps it's because I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so there wasn't much to take out. (sorry if I am being to graphic)

Still, not something I want to do again. Really. I mean it this time!

[saktii]

Word, Shiny. Guilt is definitely a trap. I feel guilty sometimes about my abortion, especially around the time I know the kid would have been born had I ever let it get to kid status. I KNOW I did the best thing for me and it, and 95% of the time, I don't feel guilty. I think guilt is an indulgence. I made a decision, and I don't feel sorry for myself about it. Trust me, there are times when I feel a little cold and clinical about the whole thing, particularly the first couple of years afterward. As I grow older, the guilt hits a little every now and then, but never in a way where I question what I did.

Kel, have you talked to anyone professional about your feelings of guilt? I think the strength of your feeling for the situation shows that you'll be an awesome mom should you choose to have a child some day, but maybe it's time to finally move past the guilt.

[kelkello]

but when a decision is right for you there is nothing anywhere that says you won't feel guilt about it. i like to tell myself that guilt is a waste of time ans therefore i don't feel guilty because why should i waste my time.

Word, Shiny. Guilt is definitely a trap. I feel guilty sometimes about my abortion, especially around the time I know the kid would have been born had I ever let it get to kid status. I KNOW I did the best thing for me and it, and 95% of the time, I don't feel guilty. I think guilt is an indulgence. I made a decision, and I don't feel sorry for myself about it. Trust me, there are times when I feel a little cold and clinical about the whole thing, particularly the first couple of years afterward. As I grow older, the guilt hits a little every now and then, but never in a way where I question what I did.

[shinyx3]

guilt is so much of a trap and no matter how hard we try to be logical about it it doesn't always work. but when a decision is right for you there is nothing anywhere that says you won't feel guilt about it. i like to tell myself that guilt is a waste of time ans therefore i don't feel guilty because why should i waste my time. (Very nice to say but not so easy to do) You are both strong and will have the knowledge that you made the right choice for you at the right time.


(((Sam and Saktii))))

[samiam]

I know what you feel about not feeling guilty. One day I started thinking about all the children that would be here if every woman I knew who had had an abortion had not, and it was staggering. We are not alone.

As for not "feeling" pregnant -- it was more a comment on the emotional process than the physical. Trust me, I feel pregnant: bloated, breasts ache, cramps, hungry and tired all the time. It sucks even more because I am not happy about it. The woman I work most closely with is pregnant right now, and even though she is sick, achy, and suffering all the time, she's happy. I want some of that.

[saktii]

I feel sort of guilty for NOT feeling guilty about my abortions. You know, like I must be a cold person or something.

[kelkello]

Thanks for the tip. As macabre as it sounds, this could not have been better timed. School ended yesterday and as of about 2 today, I am on vacation for 2 1/2 months. Not exactly how I wanted to start the break, but better than trying to do this while teaching middle school, or taking sick days that I would have to explain to a principal. I am planning a few days with movies, the internet, a good book or two, and a lot of sleep.

You know, much like 9 years ago, I don't feel pregnant, I feel inconvenienced. That's not a good sign. I hope that someday, when I actually want to be pregnant, this time will feel like the precarious blessing that so many of my friends have enjoyed. I want to be one of those women who worries about telling anyone in the first trimester for fear of miscarriage. I want a wanted pergnancy, and I want to be wanted in that state. At the moment, all I really want is to get this over with.

Samiam, you are lucky not to feel pregnant. Before I had my abortion, I definitely felt pregnant. I had constant nausea from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until they got in bed in the evening. I slept all the damned time. I had horrible acne and mood swings. I'd make a terrible pregnant lady if I ever went through with it. I was only pregnant for just under 6 weeks, and it was hell. But I felt like I sort of deserved the hell...that's the guilt talking. I know I made the right decision for me, but I still feel guilty, even almost 10 years later.

[sassafrass]

One thing that's always made me feel kinda crappy is the distinct difference in my emotions with my 2 abortions. The first one was with a "friend-with-benefits" buddy and I was about 23 or so. I was a little bit sad, but mostly I was relieved that abortion was legal and safe, and afterwards I really didn't carry much regret or pain about it. The 2nd one was when I was 28 and the man was my boyfriend--a man I knew I was going to marry--and it was heart-wrenching. But I definately was not ready for kids. Didn't think I'd ever want them. The difference was that, this time, the father was someone I loved. And he loved me and we had a great relationship. We did marry and years later had 2 kids. It was after having my first child that I experienced intense sadness over the 2nd abortion. Yet, I wouldn't have changed my decision. There's no way I'd have had a kid at 28 (I was a immature 28).

[dayglowpink]

Wow, I can't believe I just found this thread today. I've had two abortions, and both were extremely painful emotionally. I still carry a lot of guilt and pain. Only a few very close friends of mine know about my abortions, and I never feel comfortable talking about them, because I'm afraid that people will have a negative reaction. It's hard to even know where to begin with writing about them. The first one was when I was 22, and the father was a guy I had hooked up with a few times but only had sex with once. When I first found out I was pregnant I really wanted to have the baby, and the guy wanted me to as well. When I told my mom, she flipped out and insisted that I have an abortion, and I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I really wanted, so I did. I felt absolutely horrible and so angry afterwards. I didn't talk to my mom for about six months.

The second pregnancy was with a guy who was my boyfriend at the time, but he was emotionally abusive, and it was a very bad relationship. I think I was about 25 that time. At first we wanted to have the baby, but then he decided that he wanted me to have an abortion. I did realize that it would not be healthy to have a baby with this guy, and like treehugger, I knew that my boyfriend would abuse the baby, because he was so out of control of his temper. I figured that if I had the baby I would have to move away and basically start a new secret life so that my boyfriend couldn't find us. He was a very weak person at times, and he freaked out and wouldn't come with me to get the abortion, so I was completely alone, and I had to take a cab home. It was horrible. The only good thing about it was that I helped out this other girl who was very frightened by telling her about my first abortion and helping to give her confidence that she could get through it.

Anyway, I still feel an incredible amount of guilt for succumbing to pressure from other people about the choices I should make. I am 31 now, and I'm glad that my life is the way it is and that I don't have children, but it's still very hard to deal with the feelings about my abortions. I never talk about them (except with my therapist), because I don't feel like it's possible to explain how complex and mixed the emotions surrounding them are. I feel guilty that I feel so much pain about them but that they ultimately were my choice while there are so many women out there who have had miscarriages or babies die. It makes me feel like I don't have the right to be sad. I think that is so difficult to understand for people who have never had an abortion themselves. There's probably so much more I could write, but this is enough for now. I'm really glad that this thread is going.

[samiam]

Thanks for the tip. As macabre as it sounds, this could not have been better timed. School ended yesterday and as of about 2 today, I am on vacation for 2 1/2 months. Not exactly how I wanted to start the break, but better than trying to do this while teaching middle school, or taking sick days that I would have to explain to a principal. I am planning a few days with movies, the internet, a good book or two, and a lot of sleep.

You know, much like 9 years ago, I don't feel pregnant, I feel inconvenienced. That's not a good sign. I hope that someday, when I actually want to be pregnant, this time will feel like the precarious blessing that so many of my friends have enjoyed. I want to be one of those women who worries about telling anyone in the first trimester for fear of miscarriage. I want a wanted pergnancy, and I want to be wanted in that state. At the moment, all I really want is to get this over with.

[saktii]

Saktii -- THANK YOU!!! Our situations are very similar. I am going to go the medical/RU486 route, as well. Last time I had to do the vaccum way, because it was the only thing available, and it was awful. The doctor was mean, there was no pain management or anaesthesia, and everyone working at the clinic was about 8 months pregnant herself. I have to drive about 3.5 hours each way tomorrow to get the meds. Should be a loooong day.

Samiam,
Just a note of caution as I'm discovering today-- the RU-486 seems to have a slightly longer recovery time. I'm still feeling weak and it's been over 48 hours since I took the last 4 pills. All in all, though, it wasn't so bad.
Good luck darling! Make sure you have someone to stay with you for at least 10 hours after you take the second round (the last 4) of pills!

[samiam]

Saktii -- THANK YOU!!! Our situations are very similar. I am going to go the medical/RU486 route, as well. Last time I had to do the vaccum way, because it was the only thing available, and it was awful. The doctor was mean, there was no pain management or anaesthesia, and everyone working at the clinic was about 8 months pregnant herself. I have to drive about 3.5 hours each way tomorrow to get the meds. Should be a loooong day.

[nickclick]

only popping in to say, there are a lot of smart brave women around here.

[saktii]

Samiam,
I also had an abortion at about 21 or 22 and just had my second one yesterday. I am now 32. I opted for the RU-486 method and just completed passing the tissue yesterday.
I have to say that this time around, I was alot more confident in my choice.
My take on it is this: I want and deserve to have my storybook family life. I currently have an amazing boyfriend who has been an absolute hero these past couple of days, but neither of us are ready to have a child yet. He's in the middle of a PHD, and I'm still in the middle of trying to figure out who I really am. I want to give a child all of the things my parents could never afford to give me.
Human beings have done their job of becoming plentiful on the planet. So much so, that we are now destroying it. I don't want to add to the overpopulation anytime soon.
I also wanted to say that as a full-fledged hypochondriac, the doctors at Planned Parenthood were suberb and did an amazing job of putting me at ease. (another reason I don't want a child. I flip out when I imagine all of the crap my body will have to go through being pregnant).
I am so thankful to be living in a world where I have a choice.

[samiam]

I think that one of the guys possibly responsible (and more likely to be the one, actually) is going to go with me. He is begging to pay for it, help me out, get me a hotel room if I want, etc. The other guy I talked to today, and he offered nothing but his own story about how poor he is living in a 600,000 dollar house in Tahoe, without a mountain bike, and driving a crappy car. He wants more toys, and definitely no kids. Then he made some inane comment about lawyers, apparently completely ignoring the fact that I am the daughter of a lawyer/judge, and that all the people who raised me are lawyers/judges. He showed his ignorance so plainly and I have never felt better about this decision. My experience 9 years ago was more the latter than the former, and really painful. This experience, if anything, has shown me how much i have matured in the last 9 years. I work with other people's unwanted children now, and I want nothing to do with contributing to that world. I am not making a judgement, I am making a decision.

Nine years ago I made this decision because I had to. Today, I am making this decision because I have a choice. Liberating, really.

Thanks for the support of this thread. :-)

[shinyx3]

Sam, it takes a strong woman to look at her life and realize she is not in the right place for a baby. what you are doing is being responsible. do you have someone clse to you who you can take along for moral support?

[samiam]

I had an abortion 9 years ago, when I was 22, living out of my dying truck, and fresh out of college. Now I am 31, have a good job, a home, a truck that runs (the one I bought just after aborting) and I just made an appointment for another abortion this Friday. I am sort of torn about this because I feel like 2 abortions is too much for anyone, but there is some question as to who is the father of this bundle of cells, and I don't want to go any further with either candidate. I just want to get this over with. I just want a chance at a normal life. I want a husband who loves and supports me. I want children who are wanted and can be taken care of appropriately. I feel like a jerk because I just want this done, you know? I feel like a slut because even though neither guy "finished" inside me, I did have sex with two men and either could be the one. Mostly I feel stupid. Has anyone else had more than one abortion here? 9 years in between seems like a reasonable amount of time, right? I am mostly venting. I feel like shit. And my boobs hurt. ugh.