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> Go Ahead...ask Me About My Abortion
mornington
post Apr 24 2008, 09:20 AM
Post #61


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


((((expat)))) hope you're ok.


DT... ok. this thread is not for an abortion debate in terms of morality. You've said elsewhere that you were brought up as - and were - a practicing catholic, and yes, your points sound like the bullshit the church likes to come out with. But please, be aware that this is a practical, right-now discussion. We're not arguing about the morality, but discussing the practicality and using this as a safe space to support our individual choices. Now, as I've never had an abortion (or been pregnant) I tend to stay the fuck away because I don't feel I have much to add to the thread. Read through AP's questions. That's what's being discussed.
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dusty
post Apr 24 2008, 07:44 AM
Post #62


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,617
From: Toronto


Ok, I'll wade in.

First off, I think that parenthood is probably the (second) most intimate relationship you can have with someone. This guy seems abusive, and I would not want to be tied to him for life. But its your CHOICE, Expat.

Next up, FUCK OFF Deepthinker.
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pollystyrene
post Apr 23 2008, 10:33 PM
Post #63


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
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Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


I'm going to restrain my response, as I'm not sure having an abortion debate is really the purpose of this thread, and since I've never had one (an abortion, not the debate), I don't feel it's my place to make that decision about what goes on in here.

....but I'll lurk, waiting to strike. dry.gif


--------------------
You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
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deepthinker
post Apr 23 2008, 10:26 PM
Post #64


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Posts: 60


I'll warn you now, what I'm going to say may not be very popular here, but I feel the need to say something regarding this topic. I apologize now, in case I come across as rude or mean in this post, as that's certainly not how I intend what I am about to say.

First off, let's look at the actual child itself here. Now I can understand things are rough when pregnant, for various reasons depending on the circumstances surrounding it but....why should the baby be punished for something it had no say over? It's not it's fault it got there, the fact is it's there, and deserves life and love just as much as any other human being does.

Staying on that, think about your own lives for a second. Now imagine you never existed, or you yourself were aborted. It's a scary thought isn't it? I almost was aborted myself, and I could have had an older sibling but it was aborted. I always wonder how my life might have been different had I had that older brother or sister, just where it would be now.

Something else too, is there's the fact that there are so many women out there who actually do want kids but cannot have them for various reasons. These are women who would do anything for a child, and yet many who do have that chance, just throw it away. You ladies have been given one of the greatest gifts imaginable (if not the greatest), in the ability to bring new life into the world, why not embrace it?

Lastly, where does the dad or for that matter other family members fit into all this, like grandparents, aunts and uncles. It's not just your kid of course, do their feelings or thoughts mean nothing?

Just some things to chew on.....
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JoanClayton
post Apr 22 2008, 10:35 PM
Post #65


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Hi Expat,

As far as the adoption thing, I seriously wonder would you be able to give your baby away willingly and happily after you have carried (and BONDED with) it to term? I ask because I carried twins that I never thought I would have. Like you I went to the clinic to abort, but I backed out. Once I decided that I could not abort them it was like instantaneously I felt relieved and became so consumed and happy to decorate their room, and shop for them, and feel them, and talk to them, etc., while they were in my womb... (This is coming from someone who never really wanted kids mind you... they will be 4 this year and I still feel this way at times (most of the time), just to be honest) Keeping them changed my path and life forever...Its a decision I can't reverse, I just try to make the best of it now.

I feel that the dad is only unecessarily stressing and worrying you, not being supportive of any of the routes that you want to take in this decision that is yours. I would eliminate him from the equation and start to realistically focus on what you will ultimately decide to do.

There are so many different deciding factors when dealing with pregnancy....And with pregnancy once you decide something its like a decision that can never be changed...unlike so many other things in life where we can decide one thing, but do another....Thats what helped me decide...I know in my heart that if it had been 1 baby I would have aborted. But by it being 2 I just felt that it was a sign and was meant for me. I feel as though the decision came from else where, and not me. Its like you will know which is the best way for you to go. I can't explain it.

I know I'm rambling, probably not even making sense. I guess I just wanted to show some support. I really would like to know if you have come to a conclusion yet. I know that time is of the essence...

Take care and everything will be ok. No matter which you decide...

(((((*****EXPAT*****)))))
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auralpoison
post Apr 6 2008, 10:29 PM
Post #66


Big Fat Bitch
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Expat, you got a lot goin' on there, girl.

It really doesn't sound like you're ready for a baby. Or an abortion. And you're lukewarm on adoption. You have a lot of HARD questions to ask yourself if you're gonna do what's right for you:

Do you need, not *want* a child right now?
Are you mentally/emotionally/financially able to take on the responsibility of starting a family?
What kind of support system(family/friends) do you have over there?
Is K the person that you want to your kid to share DNA with?
Should you keep it, do you accept that K is an asshole & that as the father of your child, he's always going to be a part of your life?
How is your strained relationship with him going to affect the kid over the years?
Is he even going to want to see the kid or be even remotely responsible for it? Will he look at it, see you & hate it since he hates you? You said he was abusive, how do you think he'd treat your kid?
If he does try to take it, what kind of laws protect you; can you afford a lawyer?
Is his family able to make claims on the child? I don't know the laws in Sweden, but I know grandparent's rights is on the rise here.
Should you abort it, do you think you could *eventually* get used to the fact that you made what you thought was the best choice at the time for you & your offspring? You don't have to be okay with it immediately. Just sometime down the line. And let's face it, you are watching a ticking clock term-wise.

I appreciate that you see children as gifts. But in reality they are simply our biological imperative & a hell of a lot of work. I'm not dissing the procreatively challenged, but, um, it's easy for most people to get pregnant.

And adpotion, chica? Is really fucking cool. And it hooks up the procreatively challenged. If they can afford to drop $100000 in fertility procedures, they can send your baby to a good college. And depending on the agency, you might get to meet them after they turn eighteen.

I also think K's threat to take the child away from you is idle. I mean, he wants you to have an abortion. What does he think is going to happen if he keeps the fruit of your union & cuts you out? Is he gonna farm it off to relatives or something? Put it up for adoption himself? I think for him the responsibilty of raising a child would be a poor trade for hurting you, even if he gets off on it.

Good luck on whatever choice you make. But I'd make the choice to stay away from that asshole until you've made your official choice. He doesn't need to be clouding your thoughts with abuse & blackmail at this crucial juncture in your life.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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anarch
post Apr 6 2008, 08:14 AM
Post #67


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 873


drive-by posting, sorry, but he 1. knew you weren't on the pill but stuck his dick in you anyway, 2. demanded that you abort, 3. claims that if you don't abort it's his, 4. he doesn't want to talk to you any more? WTF? Sounds like an irresponsible control freak. IMHO you don't owe him any say in the decision making process. He hasn't demonstrated the maturity to deserve it. But he sounds like he may get on a "father's rights" bandwagon. "Prevent" you from leaving the country - is that credible? What do Swedish courts think of that kind of "father's rights"?

(((ExpatRiot)))
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ExpatRiot
post Apr 6 2008, 01:12 AM
Post #68


Newbie
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Hey, I'm a newbie here, and while this perhaps has been addressed, I think I am in a rather unique situation and could really use some advice.
I am 26 years old and getting my MA in Stockholm, Sweden. I have lived here for a year and a half and love it. I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a Swede here, K, for a long time. We broke up about 6 months ago. A while ago we met for coffee, which actually turned into dinner and a few too many beers. We were both unhappy in our current relationships, and ended up sleeping together. He told me later he had been hoping it would happen, but I was just drunk and taken off guard. He knows that I am not on the pill, and we were previously stupid and did the whole pull out thing. This time, I was too drunk to remember, but I thought he came in me. So, I messaged him about it, he didn't get back to me, and I took a morning after pill.
A few weeks later, no period. Sore boobs, nausea, I just knew. Took the test, it was positive, so I called him. Right away he made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion. There were lots of fights because I couldn't make such a quick decision. I made an appointment, for 2 weeks later, so it could happen if that is what I chose. Sweden is an interesting climate for abortion; a friend of mine has had 4 so she gave me a referral to her favorite place. They are wonderful, provide a cab home, lots of counseling, no judgement. I am lucky to be here.
All the same, I have been extremely hesitant. We were irresponsible, and I am mature enough to think about how to deal with it. While I am totally pro-choice, I am not sure I personally want to terminate my pregnancy. I think children are a blessing, and while I am not ready to be a mother, I would potentially like to share it with a family who is unable to have their own. All the same, I can also see how an abortion would be easiest in the continuity of my life.
I have shared this thought process with K every step. He has been aggressive and assertive about his desire for me to terminate. On the day of the procedure, yesterday, I thought I agreed. However, when I got to the clinic, I freaked and backed out.
I am 5 weeks along and there is time yet for me to make a decision I can live with. When I told K that I had backed out, it was his turn to freak. He told me I am crazy, that he hates me, that I am no longer a part of his life, and he never wants to see me. BUT if I have the baby, I cannot give it up for adoption. Then it will be "his." If I try to leave Sweden, he will prevent me from doing it.
Communication has never been great between us, thus the end of our relationship. I must, however, admit that I am more than a little confused. He wants me to kill the baby, but if I don't, then we must raise it together? And he no longer wants to talk to me, so how can we possibly reach a decision together? I feel as though he is trying to assert control over me, and I suppose as an American feminist I am fighting for my right to control my body. I know I owe him a say in the decision making process, but I am having a very hard time rationalizing with this 31 year old man.
I would love insight. Both into the decision I have before me and how to approach K with this so that we can communicate more effectively.
Thanks so much. This Bustie is a looong way from home!
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anarch
post Apr 2 2008, 01:32 PM
Post #69


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 873


Good luck, shelbs. We're here for you.

Side note: I just found another site (following feministing links from yesterday's Apr 1 post on "crisis pregnancy centers") that posts stories from women who aren't sorry they had abortions:
I'mNotSorry.net

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dusty
post Apr 2 2008, 09:43 AM
Post #70


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,617
From: Toronto


I'm not entirely sure what drugs are used in the US, but could this site be helpful?
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i_am_jan
post Apr 2 2008, 09:32 AM
Post #71


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 488
From: Columbus, Ohio


Shelbs: Yes, I believe there is info below on medication abortion. I regret I can't tell you myself, but I did want to say good luck with everything...yes, I believe having a friend stay the night with you would definitely be good. No need to be by yourself, and I'm sure your girlfriend will be happy to listen if you want to talk about things, which is great. That's pretty funny how you started laughing, I can see how you might find it rather ironic, and I do remember finding the irony myself, ha ha?. Well anyway, again, best wishes to you, and good health as well, and do come back with any comments if there's anything you want to share or remark about. Take care.

((((hugs everyone))))
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shinyx3
post Apr 2 2008, 08:17 AM
Post #72


go ahead . . . push the button!
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shelbs, if you look back a to the bottom of this page and the prior one there is some really good info on medication abortion. i have not personally had one (it was not an option to me at the time a had my abortion) so i can't give any insight but there are those here who have so look back a little and see if that helps. keep us posted on how you are doing ans we will all be here for you.


--------------------
"Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acids stain you; and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give; gas smells awful; you might as well live."
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obelix2
post Apr 1 2008, 09:19 PM
Post #73


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 139
From: Wyoming


Hi Shelbs, welcome to Bust. I'm afraid I don't have any answers, but I wanted to make sure you didn't feel snubbed in this thread. Some of our threads are more frequently used than others. If nobody responds here, you might try cross-posting in the General Health Questions thread (with a note that you're cross-posting). That one gets more traffic, and somebody might have an answer there. There are lots of quirks about the Bust Lounge that only become apparent after a while.

Good luck!
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shelbs
post Apr 1 2008, 01:51 PM
Post #74


Newbie
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This coming saturday, at 4 weeks pregnant, I'll be going to Planned Parenthood to get a medication abortion. I used to work for NARAL Pro-Choice America, so I have a wealth of knowledge on the subject of abortion, but I'm still finding myself extremely scared. I'm 23, took Plan B after the condom broke, but still ended up in this situation - a place where I never really thought I'd see myself. I definitely am not at a point where I can have a baby, and the medication abortion feels like the right choice for me, but I'm wondering about recovery time. I'll be taking the second dose Monday, most likely after I get home from work. Should I plan on calling in sick the next day? I'm planning on having a friend with me for the actual event (the guy is not someone I'm serious with, and actually lives in a different state) - should I ask her to spend the night? I live alone, so would it be safer for someone to be there the whole time?

There are just so many questions swimming around in my head that I'm hoping someone here can give me the answers to the ones there are answers for. That way I'll feel far more confident going into this, and maybe the "what would my baby look like?" or "is it a boy or a girl?" questions might not seem quite so important.

Honestly, when I first found out I just couldn't stop laughing, but lately the shock has worn off and it's finally settling in and I'm afraid. But, I figure knowledge is power and power trumps fear, so anything you've got I'd appreciate.
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sexysandee
post Mar 7 2008, 02:10 PM
Post #75


Hardcore BUSTie
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From: Texas


(((datagirl)))


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"This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home"
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amazonprincess
post Mar 6 2008, 12:19 AM
Post #76


BUSTie
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Posts: 98


((datagirl))

You absolutely have the right to have the feelings you are having. It was shocking to me the level of grief I felt and those feelings that you are describing of not deserving to grieve. I appreciate that you are posting your feelings here so that this dialogue can continue and the validation for what ever feelings we feel can happen. I'm glad you're receiving support.
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dayglowpink
post Mar 5 2008, 09:08 PM
Post #77


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


(((datagirl)))

You're entitled to whatever feelings you are having. I'm sorry things are rough right now. It sounds like you have some helpful people around you, and you are taking care of yourself, and that's important.
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datagirl
post Mar 5 2008, 05:42 PM
Post #78


Hardcore BUSTie
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From: Australia


I had to go home early from work yesterday as I couldn't stop crying.On the way to work I saw a very pregnant woman waiting at a
set of traffic lights and I just got so sad.
I would have been due in April.
I got to work feeling ok but then I cut myself accidentally with a staple.I went into the toilets and just couldn't stop crying.
Afterwards I got a message from one of the managers that there were going to be even more changes to rules at work concerning our customers.
It's like I've been asked to tell them one thing,then management goes and changes the rules.Making me look like a real idiot.
So I asked to have an emergency meeting with my direct manager.She's amazing.This woman should be a councilor.
I told her everything.About the termination,about the effect that some decisions at work are having on depression.About my stress.
Then she told me that she had had two terminations and two miscarriages in her life.
Then we had this big conversation about changes and adversity.I'm planning on resigning and for the sake of my mental health and growth,she thought this was a good idea.I'm really good at my job so she wouldn't say this to get rid of me at all.
And it's definately not the average place to work in.It's pretty emotional and I think my work coupled with the termination and
childhood sexual abuse memories has just really,really dragged me down.I was just coasting and telling myself that I could handle it.
After work I went to the doctor and told him everything.I'd been to this medical centre before but I'd never seen him.
He was the loveliest doctor I've ever been to.English,calm,concerned and soflty spoken.
He prescribed only 2 valium for me to calm me down as I'd told him that I'd had thoughts of suicide and have self harmed in the past.I wouldn't have tried to suicide but he was just being cautious.
So then he called the mental health team in my area.They were talking about sectioning me again because of the thoughts of self harm I was having.I convinced him that I wasn't going to do anything stupid (and I didn't). I am however having a mental health officer access me on Saturday to see a phychiatrist as I don't have private health insurance.I'm home from work today on the opinion of my doctor and am still a bit teary.I don't know how this will all pan out.
I really did think that because my pregnancy was unwanted that I didn't have the right to go through these mourning feelings that I'm going through right now.I just feel so sad.I just feel so guilty.And then I feel even worse when I remember that I'm pro-choice.So I really shouldn't complain.
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dayglowpink
post Feb 12 2008, 12:50 PM
Post #79


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


Yes, I went through a lot of sadness as well. I would get very emotional on the anniversaries of my abortions for years. It's funny, typing that just made me realize that yesterday was one of my anniversaries. I actually hadn't even remembered it, which I guess is somewhat of a good sign; maybe I've been able to process and deal with some of the feelings. There are definitely mixed emotions. I am grateful and happy that I don't have any kids and that I was able to make that choice, but I also feel a lot of regret and grief about my abortions. I think it will always be like that to a certain extent, but for me, it has gotten easier with time.
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amazonprincess
post Feb 12 2008, 12:08 PM
Post #80


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Datagirl- that sounds a lot like what I went though, which I understand is pretty normal grieving for what we went though. Hang in there, it does get easier.
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