[dayglowpink]

Wow, I'm stoked to find this thread. I don't come into this forum very often. I am really struggling with these issues right now. It's been on my mind a lot lately. When I was in my 20s, I wanted very strongly to have kids and to be a stay at home mom. That was what I saw for myself and expected would happen. But I never got into a relationship that was a possibility for. Another thing that happened was that I went to nursing school and found my calling in terms of a career. Prior to becoming a nurse, I never knew what I wanted to do and didn't really care to pursue or focus on a career outside being a mom. I feel pretty strongly that if I had a baby, I would not want them to be in daycare for at least 2 years or more, and now that I am moving ahead in my nursing career, I am concerned about how having a baby would affect that. I also don't know if I want the changes that it would bring to my lifestyle. I'm in a fair amount of debt (student loans, car loan, and just took out another loan to do some work on my house), and I don't know how I could support a kid. I also work with children who have psychiatric problems, and I see a lot of fucked up stuff (abuse, neglect, bad parenting, etc.), and it makes me nervous as well.

There are other factors involved, too. My current boyfriend is pretty certain that he doesn't want kids. He says that he fantasizes about it at times but that it's not a practical reality for him. So if I did make the decision that I wanted a baby, I'd probably have to break up with him and somehow find someone who did want kids or do it by myself, which I'm not crazy about, either. I'm 33 now, and I'm really feeling a lot of pressure recently to come to a decision about all this. I'm one who has always had the strong biological urge to have a baby. My rational mind can think of a million reasons not to, but I still feel that urge. I love babies and kids, and I do feel envious of pregnant women and people who have kids. It's such a hard place to be in.

[roseviolet]

CCG, I think your definition of "Childfree By Choice" is different than mine. I thought that a true CBCer is a person who has decided that they do not ever want kids. Period. I have a number of friends who are in this camp & they don't consider me a CBCer. Do I have kids? No. Have I consciously chosen NOT to have kids? Yes. But because I'm still open to the idea of having children and because I'm seriously considering parenthood in the future, I am not seen as CBC in their eyes. To them, I'm just childfree for now and I will never be CBC unless I decide to never have kids. I've heard some CBCers complain when someone who used to identify as CBC chose to start having babies. Their disgust and disappointment reminds me of vegetarians who find out that one of their fellow veggies has started eating bacon and cheeseburgers. They seem angered & deceived by the CBC-for-now crowd. I mean, let's be honest here. If we're going to be that free and easy with the definition of CBC, then that means I was CBC back when I was a 14 year old virgin.

Of course, there's always the chance that I've happened upon a strange group that holds true to a less popular definition of CBC. Perhaps we should go into that thread & ask the regulars how they define CBC.

Back on topic ...
As for Sheff, he seems to feel the same way I do: uncertain. His biggest issue is that if we have a kid, he wants a daughter. He says he wouldn't know how to handle a son. This seems odd to me since he was one of 3 boys, but [shrug] what are ya gonna do?

[candycane_girl]

I've been wanting to comment on this thread for a while. I post a lot in the CBC thread because right now that's what I am: childfree by choice. I'm 24 and I still have two years of school left and even then, I don't honestly want a child unless I get married and have been married for a few years. I am hoping that I will get married and have a kid within the next ten years even though I know it's kind of silly to try to put a timeline on those things. But anyway, that's what I want.

Once in a while I wonder what I would do if I couldn't get pregnant. My grandparents were married for almost 7 years before they had my mom. My mom is still convinced that it's because they were both nervous wrecks (although going through a war will do that to you). My mom has said that it wasn't until my grandparents started considering adoption that they managed to calm down and my grandmother got pregnant. The only other incidence of semi-infertility in my family has been on my dad's side with my grandmother's sister. She was married for years and actually raised one of my aunts. It was kind of like my aunt was given to my great aunt and uncle since they couldn't have kids. Then eventually they had 3 daughters.

I think that if I ever want to get pregnant that I'm just going to do it the old fashion way and have as much sex as possible (after all, that's the best part). I really don't believe in all this crap with home fertility tests and internal temperatures. Obviously there are certain times of the month when women are more fertile but mostly I think that people just need to relax and let nature take it's course. I don't see how getting uptight and upset about it will help anything. Of course, that's probably influenced by knowing what my grandparents went through.

rose, I agree with cocl about no one ever being 100% ready for a baby. It's never totally going to be a good time because stuff happens in life that we have no control over. Obviously I don't know you in real life but I have a feeling that you would make a great mom. By the way, how does Sheff feel about kids?
One last thing, I don't think that all moms felt that strong pull to have a baby before they got pregnant. You don't have to be obsessed to feel like you might want a baby.

[crazyoldcatlady]

But this worries me! Because on an intellectual level, I think that I want to be a parent at some point before I die. It had always been a part of my plan. But on another level, I'm well aware that the craving & longing just isn't there. Why?! Unlike some of you in this thread, I have no reason to wait. I already have a fabulous, supportive, loving husband. We have a nice home with a guest room that can easily be converted into a nursery. We have health insurance. We live within our means. We can afford for me to stay home with a baby & live on my husband's salary alone. But we're getting older. Logically, if we're going to have a kid, this is the time to do it.

you're actually in a different boat than most people. you're intellectually ready but with no biological pull. it seems like most women have the pull before they have the resources, or the clarity to really know what they're getting into.

But my heart isn't in it yet. And that scares me.

Don't force it, and don't ruminate/overthink/beat yourself up over it. It's technically never a good time to have a baby, because no one is ever in perfect intellectual/physical/emotional/financial/ethereal alignment when they procreate. it's about working with what you got, and deciding if you can/cannot work through the things that don't match up.

[roseviolet]

It's like a craving, I guess. I almost get butterflies in my stomach and I swear my heart rate goes up. I have dreams about having a baby and I feel irrational jealousy towards my pregnant friends. It really bothers me because I know I don't actually want a kid! Like I said before, I don't even like them! When I think about actually parenting or having to deal with something older than 2 I get really turned off by it.

I have heard people talk about those feelings before - that craving - but it hasn't happened to me. I tend to think of babies and children as just little people. Occasionally I meet a kid who really resonates with me, but on the whole when I meet I kid, my feelings are no stronger than how I'd feel meeting an adult.

For instance, in April over Easter weekend, Sheff and I traveled to visit my extended family. While we were there, we met my second cousin's new baby daughter. She was only 2 months old and everyone oohed and ahhed over her. I enjoyed meeting her, but mainly just because she was a new member of the family (Our family is rather small, so any new addition - through marriage or birth - is pretty cool). I wasn't desperate to hold the baby. When she was in my arms, I felt no flutters or urges or anything, and I definitely had no problem handing the baby over to someone else. This is how I tend to feel about most of the babies I encounter: I recognize that they're cute & sweet and I'm certainly happy to see them, but if you really want to hear me squeal with delight, replace that baby with a kitten or a puppy!

There have been a few exceptions to this rule. As some of you know, PixieDust and I were practically sisters-in-law for many years (we have both left the brothers who tied us together). When she gave birth to MiniPixie, I was at the hospital and I fell in love with that baby right away. That girl was my sunshine. I had never babysat before then, but I was happy to help babysit the MiniPixie. Even on my darkest days, tha sweet girl could bring a smile to my face and warmth to my heart. One of the very hardest things about breaking up with my boyfriend was the knowledge that I would not get to see MiniPixie all the time anymore. Luckily, MiniPixie has a fabulous memory and is very friendly, so even though she's 7 now and I only get to see her about once a year (when I go back to OK for Xmas), she still seems to recognize me and seems happy to see me. It's not the relationship I wished I had with her (I wished she see me as her beloved, trusted Aunt M), but it's better than nothing.

Another exception is the youngest son of my friend, L. Unfortunately she moved away a year ago, but before that she was my closest friend here in NC. She was a really kickass woman with 4 kids. Her youngest was not even a year old when I met L. The first time I held him I was struck by how much I enjoyed it. He felt so soft and sweet and I loved holding him to my chest and smelling his hair. I was always saddened a bit whenever I had to hand him back over to his mother. When the kids played together, I always kept an extra eye out for that boy. Nevertheless, when they had to move away, it was his mother & father's company that I missed the most.

Note that I never felt jealous of these friends for having these babies. I don't feel jealous of pregnant women. I don't find myself checking out baby websites or visiting the baby supply section of Target or anything like that. The urge isn't there.

But this worries me! Because on an intellectual level, I think that I want to be a parent at some point before I die. It had always been a part of my plan. But on another level, I'm well aware that the craving & longing just isn't there. Why?! Unlike some of you in this thread, I have no reason to wait. I already have a fabulous, supportive, loving husband. We have a nice home with a guest room that can easily be converted into a nursery. We have health insurance. We live within our means. We can afford for me to stay home with a baby & live on my husband's salary alone. But we're getting older. Logically, if we're going to have a kid, this is the time to do it. But my heart isn't in it yet. And that scares me.

[anarch]

X-posted in Childfree by Choice:

This could be our last child-free year. What should we do/enjoy?

[thepointybird]

It's interesting to read about all this, because I've never had a single craving or urge to have kids. Even when I've been in relationships when I was really happy and in love, I never wanted to have the guy's children. I have a nephew and I mostly just feel pretty indifferent to him, I never had that overwhelming love when holding him that Ketto mentions. I very rarely even find babies/kids cute, they have to be like super-duper cute for me to even react to them! I think possibly Mother Nature is trying to tell me something by completely omitting those "Make-Baby" hormones from my body!

[ananke]

It's odd, but I never felt those cravings either. I love my god-children but it never really made me clucky. Even when we decided to start trying there wasn't the huge need that a lot of women have - I just wanted it, got sad when it didn't happen and loved her from the moment I knew I was pregnant. But I never felt a huge need to get pregnant.

[anarch]

Ask Metafilter thread about craving babies (which I could only shake my head at. Never felt those cravings.)

Really interesting to read others' thoughts about this topic. I never felt a need to have kids but I thought that with the right guy, I probably would want to. Conflicts in the past year have changed my mind. Things are better now, but I no longer have confidence that we're stable enough as a couple to withstand the pressures of parenting, and since I'm 37, there's not much time to regain that stability. Knowing that that door is likely to close makes me sad for the possibilities that will probably never be. My mom was such a great mother. I'd have liked to try to emulate her with my own kids, if I was in a position to decide having kids was right. Show a daughter how to be a kickass feminist, and a son for that matter. Teach them self-esteem from the beginning, about social skills, body confidence, all the stuff I didn't learn until I was an adult. Toys that she put away for me when I'd outgrown them, saying, "OK, we'll keep it for your own kids."

But that's life. It's still possible that our stability might get better fast enough to change the direction I'm foreseeing now. Who knows? If not, well, I'd be happy to be child-free. I'm lucky to have never had those cravings so that I won't suffer from feeling child-less. Cod knows there's plenty I want to achieve, that would be more difficult with kids, and in our dynamics in particular, with the number and intensity of arguments around decisions you have to make re parenting. Adoption would be a really bad idea for us, due to the stability and potential argument problems. As far as role modelling, there's still chances that I might be an auntie one day.

So...regret for that door that I see is starting to close now, but relief when I think of how I don't have any biological urges that would override or problematically weight my decision-making. So much easier, this way, to deflect parental and well-meaning family friends' increasingly common "So....kids....?"

(Not to mention that his father was paranoid and there's schizophrenia on my side, so I'd feel it'd be important to be prepared for the possibility of a kid who might develop mental illness. And when I can foresee regular parenting being plenty challenging enough, well...the decision's pretty clear.)

As far as kids helping out when one is in old age, that's the ideal, but in my own family I saw an ungrateful adult child who took mom for granted and resented doing things for her, up to and including the day mom died. No guarantees that a kid would turn out how I'd hope she or he would.

[hellotampon]

HelloTampon, I'm intrigued by this "biological urge" that you mentioned. What do you mean by that? What does it feel like to you?

It's like a craving, I guess. I almost get butterflies in my stomach and I swear my heart rate goes up. I have dreams about having a baby and I feel irrational jealousy towards my pregnant friends. It really bothers me because I know I don't actually want a kid! Like I said before, I don't even like them! When I think about actually parenting or having to deal with something older than 2 I get really turned off by it.

[ketto]

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm so glad this thread was started. I'll probably be lurking more than anything. I know I want to have kids some day, but I know I definitely don't want to anytime soon. I'm going to be 24 in just over a month, I have a committed boyfriend, a good job, but I live at home and know I'm not finished having fun yet. I feel the urge though, like HT. Anytime a new baby is around I gravitate towards it, enough that it actually made paperboy so nervous that he asked me about it.

When I was a teenager I questioned whether or not I wanted to have kids. The turning point was May 15, 2003 when I was 17. It was the first time I held my niece and my heart just felt so full of love and happiness I thought I would burst; I knew I wanted to feel that for my own children too. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

I have so many other things I want to do BEFORE i have a baby. Travel more, maybe go back to school, move out, spend a few selfish years alone with my partner, smoke a lot more weed, act like a stupid and reckless 20-something. I see how hard it was for my older brother to have his daughter at 20 and I'm grateful of all that I've learned from him. Now my brother is 26, almost 27 and a natural dad. It comes so much easier to him, obviously because he's been doing it for 6 years, but also because he's at an age where he can cope with the hardships a lot easier. I can see myself being ready when I'm closer to 30, and just seeing the way my brother has matured makes me feel like it will happen when it happens.

Another part of me wonders what I would actually do if I got pregnant now...I think I would likely not keep it, but I guess you never really know until it happens to you. 1 year ago I would have said for sure I would not keep it, but now that I've been with someone I really love for a year, my circumstances have changed a bit. He'd be terrified if he knew I wrote that.

[Persiflager]

I also lurk in the CBC thread, and welcome this discussion!

I'm very much on the fence, but I'm 27 and my boyfriend (29) and I have been together less than a year so I've got plenty of time to think about it. We don't live together so haven't had a serious discussion about it yet (though I was surprisingly heartened by a drunken voicemail he left confessing his positive feelings on the subject - I like knowing that he's open to the idea).

I know what you mean, Rose - I've always wanted a 'family' of my own, but have never known how it would be made up.

I don't have a strong biological urge, but a tiny part of me sometimes thinks it would be cool to be pregnant- I'd be all 'woah! I'm growing a person in here! Bodies are weird

I think I'd be cool with not having kids if I was doing other exciting things with my life, like living abroad or pursuing a great new career. For me, children are on a list of many things I might like to do, and I know I won't be able to do them all so I'll be happy with whatever I get.

[roseviolet]

HelloTampon, I'm intrigued by this "biological urge" that you mentioned. What do you mean by that? What does it feel like to you?

[hellotampon]

I don't want to have kids. I don't even like kids. But the biological urge has been plaguing me for a few years already and I'm only 24. I almost think it would be easier if I did want kids because then I could think to myself that i was just putting it off rather than dealing with cognitive dissonance for the next... 20 years, probably.

[angie_21]

Rose, this thread is a great idea! I drop in to the CBC thread fairly often. because I am adamantly child-free at this point in my life and generally quite sick of hearing about babies everywhere I go. I don't have much of a drive or instinct or wish, whatever you want to call it, to have children, and often when I think about it, it seems more like an obligation. I don't like the idea of how expensive it is, how it would affect my life decisions, and how it might affect my relationship with my boyfriend and our current lifestyle.

But that doesn't mean I've ruled out ever having children, or as you are also think of it, a "family." I agree with what Stargazer has to say, because I feel that me, my boyfriend, and my cat are a happy little household right now and I certainly don't feel like anything is "missing" in terms of family support. BUT I see it similar to how you said it. A lot of my opinions have changed after meeting my boyfriend's family and seeing how very loving and supportive they are, and how much joy his parent and grandparents have simply in spending time with their children and grandchildren. It's pretty great. I didn't see as much of that growing up because we lived far from most of my extended family, and I am really a little jealous of it. I am so happy to be a part of his family now, and to see a very different perspective. I can see how, growing up in that kind of environment, a person would grow up wanting to have children of their own one day. When I do get to see my exended family, I see the same thing with them, and it seems pretty awesome. What happends when I'm 80, and have no kids and no nieces or nephews to keep me company and watch over me if I am ill?

I grew up seeing how much stress and work we, and more specifically my "special case" brother, caused my parents, and watched it put a huge strain on their marriage and finances, despite the fact that they had a higher income than my boyfriend's family with the same 2-child household. Sometimes I wonder how much my past experiences have colored my view of child-raising. I'm not going to tell myself I would do any better. I am easily stressed and can be emotionally distant, my boyfriend has a quick temper and would also be a total sucker when it comes to discipline, he'd spoil our kids rotten. Which makes us a lot more like my parents than his parents, not a good sign.

I'm on the fence, but leaning strongly towards a big NO thank-you. I just don't know, what happens if my boilogical clock starts ticking? And if an "accident" happened, we already know we'd be OK with making whatever sacrifies are necessary and becoming parents, I think we'd be OK at it, and probably pretty happy. What I don't understand, is how can I be OK with that idea, maybe even like it a bit, but also so strongly not want to have kids? It's all a lot easier to think about when it's hypothetical, I guess.

[ananke]

I was always adamant about not wanting children - I had dodgy genes, I was crazy, I'd be a bad mother, I couldn't do it by myself and I couldn't trust another person enough to parent with them etc. etc.

Well, now I'm married and my two month old is sitting in her bouncer next to me!

It was a long road - I started thinking differently after I broke up with my first (emotionally abusive, childish and passive aggressive) boyfriend. A friend, who is now my husband, argued with me for weeks about my 'reasons' for not wanting children and convinced me that a lot of them weren't about kids, they were about hating myself. Even after that though, I was kinda ambivalent - I thought that if I had gotten pregnant I would have kept the child even though I didn't have a boyfriend as such at the time. If I hadn't partnered with someone who desperately wanted children I may not have had them - I don't know though, since I'm only in my late twenties. I always had issues with my menstrual cycle which led to doctors telling me I was infertile - a big fucking stupid lie since I got pregnant within six months of starting to try. So the entire time I thought I might want kids I always had the idea that it'd take a long time and not be easy at all.

Once we decided to try it was insane and it got worse when I got pregnant - your life changes so much and it is so ephemeral. Particularly the first three months when not everyone knows and you're carrying this giant potential around. There is so much responsibility and fear, balanced by this fierce kind of joy Once I had my baby it was different because it was work as well as that potential and that intellectual side of it. Yet there is a massive difference between how I approach this and how my partner approaches it - he always always always wanted babies (lots of them!) and wants to stay at home and never ever wavered in that, so all that he said he would stay with me even if I couldn't have kids and we couldn't adopt. That isn't to say we love her differently - I love my daughter like nothing else in the entire world. But I am still more intellctual and less at ease with it all - I wake up and check her pulse some nights because I am so scared of SIDS. I have changed my career goals (oddly enough not the 'normal' way - I'm looking at transferring to private/academic sectors for more money so I can support my partner staying at home) even though I adore what I do (public libraries). I am so much more emotional than ever before. I rarely get time to spend with my partner when we used to spend hours together every day. He simply lives it and loves it and changes as needed.

I wouldn't change anything, but it's been a hell of a journey to get here. I journalled my pregnancy if anyone's interested.

[sybarite]

I identify as a CBC-er, but I think this thread is a great idea. Once the mister and I became engaged I started thinking seriously about the choice to have a child. In fact, one of the first things I said to the mister when he proposed was that I really didn't think I wanted to have any children, and asked him if he was okay with that. He already has a daughter (who lives with us) so he is happy either way, although I think in recent years he is happier that we didn't have a baby. His (mostly male) friends are all starting to have babies, and he is viewing their exhaustion with something like smugness, as he went through his daughter's babyhood and young childhood almost a decade ago.

Although I have always felt I'd be happy not having kids, I felt I owed it to both of us to think through the decision. I probably took about 2 years weighing it up and finally came to the same conviction I had at the beginning: I just didn't feel that biological pull to have kids, and additionally felt I didn't have the money or time for childrearing. I also think quite a lot of childrearing is hard work whilst simultaneously being really mundane. Finally, with the mister's daughter living with us, I get the chance to participate in the upbringing of a young woman (and the opportunity to share my feminism with her) without changing any diapers.

I have heard that if you thought about it for too long, including all the implications of being responsible for another person to some extent forever, at least emotionally, no-one would ever have children--hence the biological pull which can facilitate that decision. I feel blessed, actually, not to have that 'baby hunger': I imagine it can be very hard to live with if you are not in a position to have one.

Anyway. My 2 cents!

[stargazer]

RV, I will admit that I've been spoiled to know *ALOT* of people in their late 30s/early 40s adopt children. Plus, my former workplace provided money to employees looking to adopt, even single employees. I'm well aware of the limitations placed on many people regarding adoption. My reason for the emphasis of the choice of adoption for me is to take away from the sociological implications (in the media and medical marketing) of IVF and other invasive medical procedures being the only choice for women in having a child.

[roseviolet]

Just a little clarification here: I'm not seeking advice. This is not meant to be the big What Should Rose Do With Her Uterus thread. It's just a place for all of us who are unsure if parenthood is right for us to find a bit of community and understanding. Of course, if anyone out there does want to seek advice here, that's up to them. I certainly don't own the thread or anything! I just wanted it to be clear that this thread is not supposed to be all about me. Thanks.

Flacker, I loved reading your post. I think you truly understand where I'm coming from. Your method seems a bit scary to me, but I'm glad to hear that things seem to be working out so well for you. Congrats!

RoseV- what about adoption? you can still "form a family", but you can bypass the pregnancy or even infancy stages. what about something that's quasi-permanent: foster parenting? Do you have close friends of which you are a "god"parent?

COCL, I'm not a god parent ... unless you count my best friend's cat, Bubba! As for adoption, that kinda feels like putting the cart before the horse. Remember that I'm still unsure about whether I want to raise a child or not. It's pretty damn difficult to get approval to adopt a kid as it is. I doubt they'll hand over a baby to a woman who's feeling ambivalent on the subject.

As for foster children ... well, I would rather not get into the details, but I have some personal experience in that department. As a result, I know that it is not an option for me and Sheff. Forgive me, but I'd rather not explain why.


Stargazer, I don't know if you've looked into adoption procedures in your area, but you should know that they can be an absolute nightmare. I know a couple who dearly wanted to adopt a child, but they were turned down by every state-side agency they encountered. Why? Because ...

1. They were considered too old (early 40s)
2. The wife had thyroid cancer for about 1 month a few years ago. Her thyroid was removed shortly after diagnosis & that was that. She has to take a pill daily to replace the hormones a thyroid gland would normally provide, but other than that she is fine. Still, the adoption agencies thought she was too much of a risk.

Eventually these friends found an international group that approved them to adopt a child from Ethiopia. If things go as planned, they should receive their child in the spring - two whole years and MANY MANY thousands of dollars later. They're still holding their breath, though, because they know people who were on the waiting list only to be rejected later. We'll see what happens.

That's just the story of one couple I know. There are many other reasons that people are rejected from adoption. For instance, if you have a bad credit history, a large amount of debt, or if you've ever filed for bankruptcy, that's enough for you to be rejected. If you've ever been convicted of a crime, that's enough for you to be rejected (It's illegal for people convicted of a felony to adopt). If you have a chronic illness like diabetes, that's enough to be rejected. If you have a history of mental illness (like me - I've suffered suicidal depression twice in my life), that's enough to be rejected. It's also been suggested that Sheff and I might be rejected as adoptive parents because we are of different nationalities; Although he lives in the US with me, Sheff is not an American citizen and will not even be able to apply for citizenship until he is over 45 - which would make him too old to adopt by most agencies' standards.

I am saying all of this, Stargazer, so that you'll understand that a lot of people do not chose childbirth over adoptions purely for "narcissistic" reasons. Sometimes they do it because it's the only way they can have a child. It is far more difficult to be approved to adopt a child than most people realize. It's also extremely expensive. The prevalent idea that you can "just adopt" is an over-simplification of an extremely complicated and difficult process.


As for my personal definition of family, I've been thinking about that a lot. I have realized over the years that "family" means many many different things to many different people. Unfortunately, all that proves to me is that "family" is too vague of a term. There are a few people in my life - like my mom's best friend - who are not technically my relatives, but they are definitely family to me.

The debate going on in my head is about immediate family. Sheff is definitely my primary family member. He and I chose one another, made vows to one another, and moved away from everyone and everything we knew just to be together. But is that enough? Do we want this immediate family to stop at 2 or would we like to change the dynamic and add to our household? Is it that important to us to have members of a younger generation in our family? If so, can we be content with seeing my cousin's kids once a year? Is it enough to occasionally hang out with friends who have children? Are we satisfied with the amount of "family" we have right now? Or do we want to experience the intensity and intimacy that only parenthood (raising a child in one's own home for 2 decades) provides?

I don't expect anyone to be able to answer these questions for us. I just hope we come up with our own answers sooner rather than later! In the mean time, it helps to know that we are not alone & that other people are dealing with this same problem.

[stargazer]

I'm definitely someone who does not want children right now, but, I'm open to the possibility when I get older. I did tell my mom that she would have to accept that I will be one of those women who have kids in their 40s. For the past 6 years, she makes a audible sigh or hints about grandkids when I talk about my friends' families. I just don't work from that place of fear that other women work from about "what if you can't conceive" type of BS. If I can, then I can. There is also adoption. I'm not that much of a narcissist that the child needs to pass through my loins. I guess I just want to have a choice regarding if and when I have a child regardless of the process (natural or adoption).

One thing I was struck by Rose, in reading your post, the notion of family. What constitutes a family? I don't think having kids equates being a family. I remember a former colleague was being patronized by her BFF with "You'll understand when you have your own family," i.e. when you have children. I was so pissed for her I reminded her that her husband and her are a family. There are alot of people who cannot or choose not to have children for many reasons. Are they any less a family? I guess I see this notion of family as being terribly heterosexist. Rose, I'm not ranting on your post, but, I've been contemplating this notion of family for the past couple of weeks, you know. I hope it doesn't seem like a derailment.

I guess my biggest complaint for those of us in our 30s/40s is the use of fear with women to make decisions regarding becoming a parent(s).