Apr 24 2006, 12:52 AM
All quiet on the western front - where is everyone?
So, I'm thinking of moving from Australia to the US, and i want to know, how easy is it going to be to make friends in the ole USA? Has anyone had experiences of moving to a new city somewhere and had a lot of trouble or found it really easy to meet people? Which cities are friendly? Or am I going to be as big a socially inept dork in America as I ever was in Sydney???
Apr 24 2006, 12:33 PM
I think the problem w/ that friend, (who was calling 10 trillion times a day)is resolved now.
we talk every so often- and occassionally it's me who calls her first if she hasn't called in a few days.
I am relieved bc I don't feel I have lost her as a friend but have some sort of boundries now too.
I'm much more of a loner than most people would ever realise and for the most part it suits me fine if I had to choose.
I admit tho.. last night watching the hallmark movie special on tv and the commercial for a long lost friend birthday card that came in the mail.. made me sentimenally mournful-ish for friendships lost and gone.
WHY is it so hard to find people to really click with? why do 1/2 the people I initally think I click with later turn out to be psycho's?
makes me really not trust my own judgement sometimes.
I have lived overseas a number of times and as far as ease of making new friends, the best way I've found is just to get involved in local activities that interest you. not so different advise to any of here really, lol.
the South is traditionally thought of as "more friendly than the North" but I don't know that I find that to be true as a northener living in the South. I think a lot of it is again, your attitude and outlook.
where are you thinking about moving to?
Apr 24 2006, 06:25 PM
thanks freckleface, that is interesting - didn't know there was a north/south divide. My family is in LA but no way am I going there - saw my brother struggle like hell for 5 years to find any friends. Ideally would like to go to Washington DC or northern California...may be better than LA??? I'm a bit wary of smaller regional cities, would like to have access to more 'alternative' lifestyles, which I think big cities are more likely to offer. I know Seattle is supposed to be good but too rainy!! ;-)
I know what you mean about not clicking with people, but also agree about attitute and outlook. Sometimes you have to 'go through' a lot of crazies to reach the really good friendships, and that's when you know all the searching has been worth it.
In England people seem to be far more social than in Australia, always inviting people out for drinks etc, which is great because it gives you a chance to mix with a large number of people. Do Americans socialise a lot? Like go out after work etc? In Australia everyone finishes at 5pm and goes back to their little hole in the wall and watches moronic tv. ALthough I think that is mainly Sydney, which has a rep for being stuck up and "clique-y"...
Apr 25 2006, 02:46 AM
I am in Melbourne and we got out after work a lot so maybe it just a sydney thing
Apr 25 2006, 04:41 AM
Flowergirl, I agree with you about LA. My friend was there for years and never really made any women friends. (Although I know there are a few LA area busties.) Personally I find D.C. very conservative, both politically and socially; everyone's too cagey to go out and let their hair down. It's also very segregated.
If it were me, I'd hit Chicago myself... good luck on wherever you decide!
Apr 25 2006, 02:21 PM
chicago my heart!
yes, me too, would move back there (or closly to) in a heartbeat but feel it is never destined to be
what about Portland (Oregon) Flower?
have heard it's very "green" eco-speaking and otherwise and is a place that has a strong appeal to me overall.
but then, I adore rain and think it and seattle would suit me to a t anyway!
Apr 25 2006, 06:36 PM
Freckleface and sybarite thank you so much for your input - that is the kind of inside info you can't get from just doing your own research, especially from this distance! Portland and Chigaco both sound awesome - will put them on the shortlist for my next trip. Thanks again :-)
Apr 27 2006, 12:39 PM
I heard in Australia you get like, months off work for vacation time, when in the US its only days. If that were the case, I wouldnt leave! But if you are seriously considering it, flowergirl, you should visit San Francisco. There are lots of ways to get involved with different social groups.
Also, when you guys say LA, are you refering to Los Angeles or Louisiana?
Apr 27 2006, 12:59 PM
Flowergirl, that is so cool that you're considering a move like that! Mr.Luci and I are looking at France in the next five years...
So, we just moved to NYC and I find myself a tad paralyzed with anxiety, which is about par for me. I actually took a pill yesterday, which I hate doing, but dude did it calm me down and keep me level. I actually had a restful nap.
There are all sorts of things I want to do, but I'm feeling just too fat, too untrendy, too poor, too out-of-shape, too damn scared to put myself out there. We're right in the heart of the East Village, so tiny college girls are everywhere and I find that intimidating. There are free yoga classes right across the street and I really wanna go...I'm so terrified I'm going to miss all sorts of fun and enrichment because I'm too scared.
And our apartment is not working out so hot at the moment. The man we are subletting from left much furniture here and we really don't have the room for our stuff and his stuff, so his stuff is all shoved in the closet space, meaning we have no storage space, so everything is everywhere and we can barely walk and the cats are upset.
He made the closet into a sleeping loft, so we have some extra space, but cleaning it out yesterday we found he had spilled liquid nails or something all over the floor and it is all over everything.
I hate him so much right now, but I have to be nice to him, or he could kick us out. So rude, though, the mess he left behind for us to clean up.
Apr 27 2006, 08:44 PM
we are having a bbq at our new place on sunday and are inviting all of our friends.
i am feeling really bad about myself right now, because i live with two of my friends, three of my friends are from work and are all working on sunday, and the other three friends live in different states. i GUESS i am "friends" with my boyfriend and our roomates friends, but none of the guestlist will be MY friends.
i try hard to embrace being a loner and sometimes i feel very content and like there are good things about being by myself a lot, like i am never bored because i learned how to entertain myself and it is kinda quirky and eccentric. plus it is probably genetic or something, since both of my parents don't have any friends besides themselves and a few folks at work.
and i don't even know if i could have a lot more friends, since most nights of the week i enjoy spending a quiet night at home watching tv, drinking tea, knitting, going on the computer. so how would i make new friends if i only wanted to hang out with them once a week? it would take forever.
i sometimes wish i had one of those lives where you everyone you know you have known since you were a kid and you are best friends with people you have known your whole life. that must be so easy and care free and comforting.
i was feeling really good for a while and enjoying doing my own thing but now this bbq stuff is bumming me out.
flowergirl, the only place i've ever lived as an adult is boston. it was really easy to make friends in college here, but since then i have found that most people are not too open and friendly. i can't get put out by that since i am not too open or friendly, but it is not a very good place to meet new people, you know?
Apr 28 2006, 08:02 AM
laurenann, I had this moment, where I thought it would be nice to have a BBQ, too. I think I was drunk on all the great spring weather we have been having. Then when I really started to think about it, I only have two friends to invite and the rest of the people would my co-workers and my husbands friends and family. And I started thinking what if my coworkers bring up some topic about his family that I have complained about? Or what if his sister is really b*tchy to my coworkers? Or what if my two friends don't like his friends and family? And it started seeming less like fun and more like torture. So I decided not to do that afterall. Even though, we had a BBQ last year that was awesome. I really didn't invite anyone and just hung out w/ my hubby's people. Some day maybe I'll learn how to socialize propperly.
Apr 28 2006, 07:02 PM
I don't know if it's social ineptitude so much as a bad attitude. I don't feel like a dork, I just don't feel like being around people these days- I imagine this can only end badly. The suckiest thing about being a recluse is the crappy service you get at restaurants- table for one?
Apr 29 2006, 09:07 AM
Greenbean, I meant Los Angeles... no offense to you if you're from there! My friend did make some really good friends there, but literally only about 2, and she's someone who makes friends easily.
I went out last night with an old friend and had rather too many drinks, but had the best time. I used to be out 4 nights a week and hadn't realised how seriously reclusive I've gotten. Most weekends, I go nowhere and see no-one except the boy... which has suited me fine, I like some space at the weekends. But I'm thinking now I've taken too much space maybe, and become slightly socially inept, so last night was reassuring... as well as fun.
Apr 29 2006, 10:28 AM
Hello, dorks! I've been out of the thread for a while, and I was afraid to come back. I'm sure you all know the feeling.
The BBQ talk is exactly the kind of thing I'm about to face. My closest friend in town is going away for a month and I'm going to dog/house sit for him. It's only three blocks from my house, but it's actually big enough to have a party- big backyard, and many people can fit in the house. (my house, literally, can fit seven people- uncomfortably)
But I don't know how to invite people. I know who I'd want to invite, and they're the type of people who I wouldn't be surprised if they invited me to a BBQ at their place. But somehow it's different when I'm doing the inviting. Like I would be presumptuous to think that we're close enough that I could invite them to "my" house.
Awkwardgirl- I've found that I get incredibly FAST service when I dine alone. I don't know if it's that they want to get me out of there because I'm bad for business, or if it's just easier to get one order out than two. It does feel odd, though.
Apr 29 2006, 12:27 PM
Sybarite--I have lived in L.A and noooo offense taken because that place is like another planet. I made a lot of friends to party with but I never (except for one guy) felt close with any of them. Its all about seeing and being seen. I had fun but sometimes I would look around the room and ask myself, "does anyone here even know my last name?"
Apr 30 2006, 04:34 AM
the bbq isue sounds very familiar. i've never had that many friends and most of the parties that i've thrown in the past haven't been all that great. But at leaast i've tried. So now that i've moved abroad i've kinda ended up with no friends of my own. i do hang out with my girlfriends and take part in stundent activities and so on, so i actually do meet other people. but then it came my birthday. i would have wanted a party and we have a greaat appartment for that but i just didn't have anyone to invite. or i thought it would have been a bit stupid with four people of which no one is MY friend. so that really made me feel like a dork, six months in one place and i haden't made a single friend. i just don't know how to i guess.
i did actually have an ok birthday. my girlfriend had invited some of her friends to go to a cafe with us to have cake. it was really nice but the whole day just made me feel like an idiot.
Apr 30 2006, 09:03 AM
Greenbean, so true. Even at dive bars in Silverlake people were giving their actorly back story and handing out business cards... on a Saturday night. Sheesh.
I may be a dork but at least I don't try and network at weekends.
Apr 30 2006, 12:34 PM
It sucks to not feel close to anyone. I've been busy with school and work and have had acquantinces, but nobody I can really rely on. It seems like my life right now is finishing school and then finding a steady job and a place to live, so there isn't time to concentrate on friendships or romance. It can be a very lonely time, but that's the reality of it.
Apr 30 2006, 02:19 PM
((anna k)) Transition times are tough but you'll get thru it!
May 1 2006, 12:15 PM
Hello, just thought I'd add some of my dorkiness to the discussion.
Since leaving Uni I've pretty much been in the couple cocoon with my boyfriend. At first this was a necessity - moving to a new city with no friends here, but apart from a couple of fleeting friendships, nothing much has changed for me since I first got here. I do have friends from my home town and from Uni, but I hardly get to see them now as they are all scattered around the country.
In a way I do like my own space, but for me, personally, I'm starting to wonder if I've just convinced myself that most of the people I've met so far are annoying because I'm just scared that I've forgotten how to make friends!
The fact that I now have to work 9-5 doesn't make it any easier to meet new people either, and being a vegan feminist in a conventional office environment pretty much means that no-one at work shares the same interests! Aah, basically I'm just stuck in a very confusing rut.
Haha, there's a newbie introduction and a half...sorry for inflicting my tale of woe upon everyone!
May 1 2006, 05:16 PM
I think I have forgotten how to make friends. It's so easy at school or work but outside of those I am stumped.
And I have had problems in the past with friends and boundries. I like my personal time so it's been really hard to make close friends and still tell them it's not you but I just want to be alone.
May 1 2006, 09:11 PM
It's frustrating to not feel close to my peers, but not getting to see the people I really like all the time due to age and career differences (one woman is 28 and settled into a new job and apartment; another is 36 and just got married and has a hit book out). I relate more to older people, but I can't integrate myself into their lives as if I were their friend.
I had attended a liberal arts college and had a couple of close friends, and liked learning to be more social, having more male friends rather than potential dates (I miss having male friends), and feeling normal. But I felt lonely and isolated in my school, so I switched to an NYC school to concentrate on my major. Now I've sacrificed having close friends in favor of work and school, and seeing my peers with their friends and parties makes me feel like I grew up seperate from them, or became a "lonely old maid" at 22.
I'm glad to be becoming more adult and earning my degree to get a wel-paying job and have my own house somewhere, but not having any close relationships makes me feel seperated from the rest of the 20-something Myspace college kids.
May 2 2006, 09:29 AM
oh, anna_k, I feel your pain
Except I'll be going back to school with 18 year olds and I'll be 24 this month. I'm a very old 24, if that makes sense, and I am not looking forward to this. I'm not writing off all teenagers to 22 year olds as irresponsible nitwits, but I never had anything in common with teenagers when I was one and can't fathom that has improved, especially since the two jobs I left when I moved were both teenager-centered.
I'm just looking forward to developing close friendships with my profs and spending all my time in the basement costume shop, muttering to myself as I sew.
(and meeting some Busties finally!)
May 2 2006, 11:58 AM
I realized that my problem with making friends (especially with females) is that I feel so odd/different than them (like the old lady thing) and since it feels like friends are supposed to all be/feel the same, then I should just be alone.
But I have recently gotten some advice and I'd like to share it, because it seems to work.
So if a situation comes up that I disagree with, say, a group of people are all talking about how much they like the Grateful Dead, (and I hate the Dead) instead of sneering at them with contempt OR instead of pretending like I like the Dead, I say something like, "I'm not really a fan of the Dead, but have you heard The Stooges? Thats a little more my style."
After trying this I realized that it is refreshing to most people that you are not afraid to feel differently (yet not hostile about it either). Its like saying, "I dont have the same interests as you but I do like your company."
Anyway, something to try!
May 2 2006, 11:58 AM
May 3 2006, 11:58 PM
Greenbean, that is an awesome idea. I think talking to people in a way that shows you have integrity is a real skill, and that is some damn good advice!
Lucizoe, wow that is so interesting cause I went back to university at 24 with a bunch of 18 year olds. It wasn't actually that bad - I partied in a way that I never did when I was a teenager, locked up in my room with my books as I was at that time (I was 15 going on 35). I look back with a bit of regret now at "wasting" a few of those years (at university), not "achieving" anything, but I learned a lot about life and about keeping an open mind about people. Don't worry - i'm sure its gonna be great.
Though the costume shop idea sounds good too. I always had a fantasy about having a costume shop and spending ALL my time sewing Regency and Victorian dresses. *Sigh*
May 4 2006, 06:42 AM
Heee, flowergirl. I won't be living at school, so I won't be surrounded 24/7, although my commute is going to suck.
I'm going in positive...especially since I'm grounded enough now to know that this is what I want...I'm not anticipating a whole lot of school-related problems. It is a costume design/tech program so I will be in the basement most days, like an antisocial troll...
(and may I just say, regency gowns - droooool)
May 4 2006, 09:41 PM
Do you guys ever feel like there's so many interesting people you want to meet, but you feel lost in big crowds and often keep to yourself?
I'm fascinated by a lot of people, mostly famous and underground-famous. But when I go to shows and events, I usually just keep quiet and watch people, taking mental notes in my head or making up a daydream to pass time. Sometimes I talk to someone and have good conversations, but it can feel lonely to know that there's so many interesting people out there, and not to have close relationships with anyone, just passing conversations and acquantinces.
Sometimes I want to be famous and successful and travel a lot, to meet interesting people and move in an artsy and popular circle. To fly around the world and work a lot and my whereabouts aren't pinned down. I know that it's a fantasy for most and a reality for some, and I would feel as if my life was going to be working some so-so job and being anonymous and lonely while seeing so many of my colleagues become famous with their books and columns and writings.
May 4 2006, 09:59 PM
Wow lucizoe i can't believe you are studying costume design that is so cool. I am really jealous that one day you're going to be a costume designer and get PAID for it. Oh yeah Regency rocks.
Part of the reason I partied so hard in my 20s is cause I spent a lot of time in fantasy world in my teen years, away from my dumbass peers. I guess now I'm entering my 30s I've given up trying to fit in at all - it is way too cool to be different. I guess its hard to see when you're younger and everything is homogenized in order to SELL more CRAP to the teenage market but when you get older you realise what a valuable and rare gift it is to have.
Greenbean you got me inspired. I'm gonna start sewing a regency dress this weekend.
May 4 2006, 10:00 PM
Sorry greenbean, I meant lucizoe for the last bit!! My bad.
May 5 2006, 12:50 PM
flowergirl I am excited for you!
our apartment is so teeny tiny that we've been here three weeks and I still haven't got a workspace set up...
anna, the perspective you need to keep is that you are still in your early 20s...it can take so long to accumulate the kind of experience you want in order to be able to write about it in the way you need...does that make sense?
My mom didn't publish her first book until her mid-40s...
May 5 2006, 04:08 PM
I understand, lucizoe. It gets frustrating, but I know I'm young. Sometimes people say someone got famous at 45, other times people were great at 19.
May 5 2006, 04:19 PM
Hey there ladies...
I have a work problem and I dont know how to solve it....
Just about everyone I know hangs out extensively with their coworkers...and I feel like I really have nothing in common with anyone at my job. They are nice people, but I really feel like they aren't friendly to me. Last year I was invited out by them maybe 2 or 3 times a month. This year I have been invited out 2 or 3 times total. When everyone at my work under 35 is hanging out together after work and I'm not invited, I feel so weird.
A big problem is that I just don't know how to start conversations with them! We really have don't have much in common, but I see them across the room talking to each other animatedly about their weekend. Then later, I ask what they did over the weekend, and they say stuff like, "oh, just hung out with friends", or "just relaxed"....and they never ever ask me how my own weekend was. And i feel weird just volunteering that info. I feel weird hovering over them when they're making plans in the same room as me, and being like, "hey, can i come?" but at the same time, they talk about it right in front of me and I feel like the only polite thing to do is pretend like it doesn't bother me. Maybe then they think i'm not interested.... and another problem is that i've let this problem go for a really long time so i don't know how to address it now....
I've been going to therapy for almost a year now and it's really helped me see why I have a hard time making friends....but at the same time, it's makes me feel a million times more self conscious because I know the problem lies with me. I feel like such an idiot!
May 5 2006, 07:36 PM
hey gumby you don't sound like an idiot at all - actually the way you describe it, it sounds like your co-workers are unfriendly and boring, to be honest! I don't really see what more you can do - you've been friendly and invited them out, but they just aren't making the effort. I would say move on to people who appreciate you and want to spend time with you. Do you have many friends outside of work? Maybe you'll have more in common with them.
Is it possible they've gotten pissed off about something you did? It just seems weird that they used to invite you out and now they don't.
At the same time, if you don't feel you really have anything in common with them, and they're not going to add anything good to your life, I'd say just let them go and spend your time outside of work with people that really care about you.
May 6 2006, 08:43 AM
Gumby - They invited you out and you said no? Well, then that's why they don't invite you any more. Or did you go and just have a "blah" time?
Anyway, yeah, doesn't sound like you're really all that interested in these people either way, it just feels odd because they're around you all the time. So I'll just trot out the ol' Ann Landers advice (that I should take myself): Pursue your passions, do you what you like, and friendships/clicking with people will happen naturally.
May 6 2006, 05:48 PM
Well, maybe half the time I go....but the head organizer coworker says that she doesn't take it personally when people say no. Like I was cool with hanging out at people's houses, but now when they do that, they always end up going out to the same bars all the time, and get guys to hit on them....like I'm SO not into that, even if I didn't have a serious boyfriend.
You ladies are right, I guess I wouldn't mind so much about this whole thing if I wasn't feeling so isolated and self conscious about how hard it is for me to make friends in the first place...
May 7 2006, 03:05 PM
I think you're making it sound much easier than it really is, missthing. If it were really as easy as listening to Ann Landers, we wouldn't have this thread. For me, those friendships/that clicking has NOT happened naturally.
Do you have a circle of friends outside of work, gumby?
Right now, I'm working on listening. I want to be that person who seems to listen attentively to everything and who remembers all the details of other people's stories. It's difficult with people I don't like, though.
May 8 2006, 12:44 AM
I have to agree with you there obelix, I always hear that advice, like "why don't you take up rock climbing? i'm sure you'll meet lots of interesting people who you'll have lots in common with" - I've tried everything, but I find it hard to chat to people in general so it's probably my general shyness that makes it hard for me to talk to people, even when i'm doing something that i enjoy with other people.
At the same time, it's so great when you meet someone and you just 'click' - everything seems so easy! Then I think about all the time I've wasted on people I have nothing in common with and wonder why I forced myself to hang out with them and try to be like them, as if there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy their company.
I'm beginning to think real friends are very few and far between.
Have you guys heard of that book about "highly sensitive people"? I sometimes wonder if those people (me included) who feel like 'outsiders' are just operating from a different space than the majority of people....
May 8 2006, 02:41 AM
I have the same problem where I work. Only last Friday it seems like everyone from various departments were going out for a drink after work - apart from me.
I have nothing in common with my co-workers either. For a start, although this shouldn't be an issue, I've only really just started out in admin land, and my co-workers can afford a more interesting lifestyle than me - holidays, nights out, etc. Things they can have conversations about but which I can't really contibute to. Also, I am a vegan and a feminist, and pretty much everyone else isn't interested in those types of issues!
I must admit I felt really bad about myself last weekend, but then I just remind myself that I don't really have that much in common with them anyway, and that I wouldn't really have fun if I did go out with them. I think I would just prefer to have the option, rather than be excluded completely, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, that long babble over, basically, what I'm saying is I think I know how you feel!
May 8 2006, 10:11 AM
obelix - It's more like it's easy on paper and not so easy in real life. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Of course you can't just say "rock climbing! The answer to everything!" I just meant that you should focus on doing things *you* want to do, things *you* feel passionate about. So ideally you're having so much fun you forget to be self-conscious around others.
(FWIW, I was one of the original Dork thread participants about three years ago and have had years of intense therapy. So if I seem flip, I don't mean to. I just slip into shorthand).
May 8 2006, 10:17 AM
Bilka, we are feeling the exact same thing! It's like, I wouldn't really want to go out with my coworkers if they invited me. You're right, it's totally wanting the option but not actually wanting to go. I guess if I had a big, fulfilling group of friends outside work then it wouldn't be a big deal at all. But I don't, so I feel like a dork when all my coworkers are good friends with each other except for me.
May 8 2006, 02:42 PM
basically my only friends are the other women i work with, so the problem can go the other way, too. we can get kind of sick of each other sometimes, and then i don't have anyone else to call!
our bbq (er, i posted about it a few weeks ago) was okay. it was mostly my boyfriend's friends who i have known for years, so i can make small talk with them okay. i have a harder time chatting with their girlfriends. they all sit together and just laugh and laugh - i don't even know if i could think something is that funny.
May 9 2006, 01:36 PM
(I am thisclose to killing mr.luci. Not because I don't love him, but because he is the only person I have had more than three words of conversation with for three weeks. And here I thought I hated people. Apparently I need to interact with others outside of my relationship to keep the relationship healthy. Who'da thought?)
*opens envelope for college orientation*
*reads* "blah blah blah...attendance mandatory...will be staying overnight with other new students. Even commuters..."
Apparently, I am required to attend a slumber party during my college's orientation for new students. Required to spend the night with a group of people who were very recently high school seniors. Me and a contigent of 18 year old angsty arty students. No. Don't think so. I believe this warrants a phone call...damn. I'm scared of the phone. Email!
I mean, I'm a transfer student and I'm 24. I'm going to be commuting from Manhattan. I live with my partner. We like to spend the night in the same bed and all that jazz. Mayhaps I shall lie my way through this.
Anyway, go dorky busties!
May 9 2006, 07:27 PM
lucizoe, I think I know where your coming from.
In some ways it's probably a bad thing that I married an anti-social man. Since I am borderline anti-social myself, having each other is almost an excuse not to seek out other relationships. We always have each other so we don't really worry, oh what are we going to this weekend? With the two of us it's never lonely. And I love my husband madly, but recently, I have been craving other human contact. But I have been in the same town for years, so sometimes I feel like I have already met everyone I could posibably become friends w/, that probably sound dumb. Surely there are more people out there, but I really don't know how to meet and become friends w/ new people.
May 9 2006, 08:12 PM
>In some ways it's probably a bad thing that I married an anti-social man. Since I am borderline anti-social myself, having each other is almost an excuse not to seek out other relationships.<
Oh good golly, yes. Well, I'm not married, but everything else you said applies to me. I recently had a superfabulous weekend in New York (with friends I met through this here board; nay, this here thread) and it was such a drag to come home and, like, shrink myself back up into my regular everyday life.
I have been making more of an effort to be social and call people and get out. I just hate feeling like socializing is an effort, y'know? But you just gotta keep hacking away 'til it's not. Sigh.
Plus I work from home, so it's like isolation to the 10th power.
May 10 2006, 06:07 AM
my mr is totally antisocial, so he doesn't get my need to socialise, is Very frustrating sometimes!
we went thru a time several years back where we actively sought out other couples/young family's to hang with; it was like holding auditions of the worst kind: the dad guy would be cool, but the wife would have Zero personality, or, the wife was cool but the guy was a fuckup (these were mostly co-workers of the mr's, so Army family's). the best was always that both spouses would be great, but the offspring would be monsterous, and I am just Not going to let frecklette, who was very small then, be terrorised in her own home.
after awhile we just finally wore ourselves out & gave up and made do w/ our seperate friends on occassion and then together time on the weekends, which wasn't ideal but hey.
the last time we tried the couple-thing was right before he went to iraq last year, had a nice couple w/ a infant-type-child (no ankle-biters in my home- not Ever) over for dinner, and had an ok evening... and yes, after both men deployed I did stay in contact w/ her, invited her to movie nights w/ other ladies, out for diner, etc, but when the men came back & the mr wanted to get together w/ them I said no. he said ' you always find Something wrong w/ everyone!you're impossible to please!' but here's my thing: this woman is *10*years*YOUNGER* than me. I hooked her up w/ other younger wives w/ small babies.
she was cool but we really had less than nothing in common & it was mutual.
so, we're back to an island of our own again.
we like to pretend that our shared best friend & his wife out in omaha would be "The' Ones" but in reality.. neither of us could really figure out for sure if she even liked either of us, and they just had their 4th kid. -4th!
we don't have friends.
the friends I do have are scattered and I lose touch w/ fairly often as much as we move and I hate this town so much I no longer get out like I used to bc I've distanced myself from all the volunteer work on the base I used to do & don't know how to meet regular people that aren't from the army.
am beginning to think I am defective and there is some major reason people don't like me, and everyone knows it but me.
May 10 2006, 05:45 PM
It's so incredibly difficult to find couples to be friends with, like you said freckleface. We only have one set of married friends. And they are really cool people, but they are seriously twice our age. We always have a good time together, but they are pretty social and do a lot of things so we don't actually hang out much. Maybe once a month or so. Then sometimes I feel guilty, b/c they are older and more established and they offer to take us on vacation w/ them and stuff. They have a boat, camper, and jacuzzi, etc. So I feel kinda like a mooch with nothing to offer back.
It can me uncomfortable to hang out w/ single people, b/c they don't always seem to understand that my husband and I really enjoy hang out to together. Some of the guys he know, are like 'oh gotta bring the wife huh?' or vice versa w/ a lot of single girls I used to know. And I really have a hard time finding people w/ similar intrests and tend to get bored w/ people who don't have very much in common with me/us.
May 16 2006, 10:07 AM
ok, today I met (sorta) this really cool woman.
she actually helped me at Home Depot where I was looking for a hammock stand for the mr for father's day. she just moved here, about my age, we just started talking and really seemed to click.
unfortunately, she then got really busy and needed to get back to work, but before I left she said 'come back sometime!' and I said I would.
now, would I look like a stalker freak if the next time I went in there, assuming we spoke & things were still cool, if I gave her my # and asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime?
I swear this feels like I am asking for a date!
ginger kitty, your older friends probably just enjoy being around you and your mr bc you are just that, younger, more energetic or youthful and who knows, maybe it's a spark to their relationship of how they used to be?
they sound really nice and they wouldn't invite you places continuously if they felt you were mooching, you know? relax and enjoy
May 16 2006, 10:38 AM
I;m jealous of reading Myspace profiles of my old classmates moving to new cities with their friends and having a great fun-filled life while I'm finishing school and don't have close friends to bunk with or rely on. I've had plenty of acquantinces, but rare close friends. I get sick of working alone and doing everything by myself. These kids stayed in their college and had lots of friendships, whereas I moved to a commuter school in NYC and lost contact with people. I've tried to make new friends, but people are usually busy and involved with other things to hang out. I wish I was a happy twentysomething with lots of friends and a shared apartment and joyful hedonism, but I just feel like a lonely worker instead.
May 16 2006, 05:44 PM
Thanks freckleface, your probably right. They are really youthful for thier ages and they probably enjoy hanging out w/ another happily married couple. Most of thier friends are divorced. Your home depot question? I'll admit I am clueless. Sometimes I meet people like that and I never know, if they are just being nice because they are at work or if they are really cool and we are clicking. My advice just see what happen when you go back and trust your gut.
I just started a myspace account, maybe I'll meet some cool local people and break the ice over the internet, to avoid all the awkwardness of making friends in person.