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circledot
QUOTE(annabananahannahmontana @ Oct 4 2009, 09:45 PM) *
i'm just so wound up all the time. i can't ever enjoy myself because i am always analyzing everything i'm doing. i'm so fucking worried that i'll make an ass out of myself, that i do. i have trouble knowing in any given situation what people want me to say, so i don't talk a lot. and that makes me boring. if i talk to much, i'm irritating. i fear i have some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder.


annab- this reminds me a lot of myself a few years back. For a while I was convinced I had Social Anxiety Disorder, because I was never like that as a kid, had been bubbly, outgoing etc. After seeing a therapist I realized that I was majorly depressed which was causing my anxiety/paranoia, and after a lot of work I am so much happier. The weird thing was too that for years I didn't even realize that my anxiety wasn't normal, I thought, 'this is just the person I am now that I've grown up.'
The book 'Undoing Depression' by Richard O'Connor helped me loads. I read its description of a depressed person and was shocked that he was describing me!

Hope this helps, if I am way off the mark just ignore me wink.gif
annabananahannahmontana
sorry i haven't been on here for a while. you're on the mark, circledot but i'm sort of like the flipside of you. my doctor diagnosed me with panic disorder. i have been getting spells where i feel like i am having a heart attack, coupled with the other things. when i feel like i am nervous all the time, it's hard not to feel depressed also. i know i have some work to do, i'm trying to journal my feelings, and i've got my job and i'm starting cooking school. i'm going to start volunteering at my library just to get out more and stuff. my doctor also gave me medication, and i'm going to start counseling at some point in the near future. the main thing i think i really need to do is work on moving out of my parents house, because living with both of them plus my brothers, and little sister don't help.

thank you for your advice.
snow white
wow, other ppl r like me?

last night i got really lonely thinking about how winter is coming and it woun't be so easy to entertain myself, by myself. i don't have any girlfriends. i thought once i found my mr. right i wouldn't need anyone else, but a year and a half later i relize i...guess i do.

i've always been much better at befriending guys and my friendships with them have always been much easier then my friendships with girls, which have pretty much all ended disasterally. i feel like i'm alittle afraid of other girls, all the nasty gossip and everything. i don't know.

it feels like trying to find the perfect boyfriend all over again, lol. but today was better, i just let all that garbage go about being afraid and just kinda let myself hang out. i feel like an easy target for alot of these "tough ass, trash talking" women but i'm so unhappy pretending that i'm just gonna let it go and see what happens. i want to sign up for a pilates class and try and start fresh and meet someone there.

MadameHooch

snowwhite I know exactly how you feel - sometimes I think it was so much easier making friends when I was younger when I had places like high school to meet new friends in. Then I remembered all the people sucked there, too. Ha!

I also hate when I finally do meet some fairly nice girls, and we hang out a few times, but I just feel like I CAN'T fit in with them/their ideals and decide I'd rather just sit alone and hang out with myself anyway. Not only do I then feel like a total hypocrite, but I feel shallow and end up hating myself. Do you ever go through that? Does that even make sense? I hope I don't sound totally crazy lol.

Seriously.. it's just so hard to find people to relate too. I've only made one quality friend in the last 4 or 5 years...I knew she was quality when I introduced her to BUST and she was soo stoked on it, hehe wink.gif

Good luck with that pilates class!
anna k
((((snow white)))) It's frustrating trying to maintain close relationships with people and develop strong friendships. I have a close friend who is a guy, and he's great, but I'd love to have more close girlfriends. I have some female friends, but they're not in my life too often, I just see them once in a while.

And yes on the guilt on not being able to fit in with a group, and feeling weird or off, or being split between wanting to be alone and quiet and wanting to be a social butterfly. I've felt like that in various social situations.

It's really annoying, but you have to believe in your own coolness and intelligence and strength, listen well to others, ask about them, and find some kind of enjoyable common ground. It takes time, but you ease into it, and people gravitate more towards you.
spot-on
Well before I got married I had a close girlfriend, we'd make the effort to see each other once a week for a girls night out. Usually cinema and then drinks/meal after. Unfortunately after we got married she seemed to not want to do this so much even though I needed it. When we moved countries she kept in touch for about 6 months then I didn't hear anything from her. I think since then I've been reluctant to make another close female friend. Honestly I don't have much in common with the women we know (they are into material things and I am so not!). I really need to get out there though and find someone with similar interests. I just have always gotten on better with guys than girls. My DH is my best friend now
freckleface7
the mr & I once again spent the weekend w/ his work buddies & their wives and the truth is -- I feel much more comfortable with the guys than I do their wives. even though 1 of the wives & I went on that beach retreat & roomed together, there's just no depth that I can pick up on in her & I know she & the other wife are close friends & I'm ok with that. I really would just hang w/ her husband bc he feels a lot like a kid brother to me, which I miss having in my life. that kind of easy, playful, relaxed & non-sexual friendship between a guy /woman.
the mr thought it maybe pissed the 2 wives off the other night, that I was hanging w/ their husbands, but it's not like THEY were talking to me..

Anna I think I am going to follow your lead & try a meetup group.
there's one for 20-50 yr old women that sounds interesting so I'm going to give it a go.
there's also a local GBLT meetup group that sounds inviting, but I'm not any of those things just have a lot of friends.- what are my odds of being accepted ?

the women's beach retreat was wonderful & I really liked most of the women I met but don't feel I really met any One Woman I can become close with. that said- I'm totally looking forward to trying other retreats & women-only events sponsored by the mr's work. open mind for a different view & all.

(((((socially inepts)))))
snow white
QUOTE(freckleface7 @ Oct 26 2009, 01:26 PM) *
the mr & I once again spent the weekend w/ his work buddies & their wives (o, i feel ur pain, lol)

that kind of easy, playful, relaxed & non-sexual friendship between a guy /woman. (< thats what i miss)

(((((socially inepts)))))


i am getting back in touch w/ an old girlfriend of mine (kittie), she's best friends w/ a girl i had a falling out w/ though and kittie's determined to us all together (i don't think kittie knows how i feel about the other girl b/c i just kinda drifted away, we *were* like the 3 muskateers). i guess even kittie hasn't seen much of our other "friend", we've all kinda lost touch. i just want to rekindle a friendship w/ kittie b/c she lives pretty close by, and do simple stuff like to go for walks, without all the other drama, but she's looking for "girls nights". i'll see how it goes.

oh, and score for social inepts (hehe)! i got hired on the spot at a job interveiw today even though i was a ridiculous ball of nerves before hand. i'm a nurse and had an interveiw for a position at a doctors office, i didn't know that the doctor would be doing the interveiw but he turned out to be kinda off the wall and cool. time will tell though. i feel so freakin' awesome right now! smile.gif
freckleface7
Snow White you ROCK!!
hired on the spot- you must have made an awesome impression on them!! biggrin.gif
and I really hope it works out w/ your friend kittie again, but I'd go really slow & keep expectations low before you get a lot of your heart involved.. sucks when you do & people let you down- again. {voice of expereince }

so that meetup group -- I'm meeting them next week at a hooka lounge for 'drinks & coupon exchanges'. - kind of an odd combination to me but I've been wanting to check that lounge out for awhile anyway. cool.gif
snow white
thanks smile.gif i totally felt like i won the lottery, it was so unexpected. my girlfriend from work just got a new job and it inspired me to look around (b/c working in a nursing home isn't really what i would call satisfiying). i'm still at my old place too b/c i just want to make sure i'm gonna like it (though now i'm more confident that i will since it's sunk in abit) so i'm gonna have a busy few weeks while i juggle two jobs for awhile.

and i met up with a highschool friend's little sister last night at the bar and she's so sweet, she said she's moving back to the area and i told her to give me a call when she does. i hope we can be friends bc she really does seem like a nice girl, and nice friends are so hard to come by. i'm really starting to try again though, finally! i feel pretty good about things, my fiance has a bestfriend who lives next door and i've always been jelouse of the time he spends with them (they're a couple) b/c i usually feel like the little kid of the group, even though he's repeatedly told me they want to see more of me (i'm 8 years younger than all of them) but we had a great time last night for halloween. i think i'm getting over a growing pain i've had for awhile now, the best part is it finally feels natural and not forced. i think just being able to read all the other posts on here has helped get me over the hump bc i've always felt so alone with this, totally corny but thanks busties smile.gif hope u all r having a great halloween.
go_kayte
I hate how one little comment from a close friend can totally make me close the blinds and lock myself inside with Live Through This and cookies but that is just how it is sometimes.

Yesterday I was supposed to go hang out with my (gay) dude pal at his place but he lives across town and after getting home from work and doing chores it just wasn't in me and I texted to cancel and he told me I need to grow up. This kinda knocked me on my ass. When I called my best girl friend she told me I have been "kind of a space cadet lately" ... I had no idea. I felt like I have been on top of everything, I got A's in school, been paying my bills, showing up to band practice, but I guess I've been flaky as hell to my friends. Not on purpose. It sucks cause I hate it when people do that too and I didn't even realize I've been doing it.

So yeah I feel like a socially inept dork. Bleh.
spot-on
I dunno, balancing school and work and a social life is tough! They can't expect you do be able to do everything. Something has to give and sometimes that means sacrificing time with friends, cutting back on the social events etc. Personally I'd rather that than fail school and work.
Persiflager
*whispers persuadingly*

Leeeeeeeave the chores! Let the laundry pile up a bit!


Or make fewer plans with friends so that you're more likely to be able to keep them?
go_kayte
Heh. Thanks spoton & persiflager... I may be having a bit of superwoman complex- trying to be the Perfect On Top Of Everything Girl! Too much!
epinephrine
I've been trying to socialize more this year, and I'm not doing so well at it. I've spent so much time alone now that my sense of personal space has expanded to antisocial dimensions. I'm starting to wonder if I even like people, or if I just like the idea of having friends. I think it may be mild depression, because antisocial tendencies are a big symptom for me. But how do you socialize when people aggravate the shit out of you? I'm just finding it impossible to have a real connection with anyone these days. I feel really isolated. And that isolation is breeding more isolation.

I had dinner with my dad and my brother yesterday, and it really brought some of these lurking issues out into the open. As soon as they arrived, my apartment felt unbearably small and claustrophobic. My dad kept yawning these loud, whiny yawns that just made my hair stand on end. Every time he yawned I wanted to ask him if it was necessary for him to do it so noisily. Everything he said sounded insufferably stupid. My dad's also a mouth breather, and eating with him disgusts me because he just eats so loud. He chews with his mouth open, makes disgusting chewing, smacking and swallowing noises, breathes heavily, and grunts while he eats. It's impossible to eat with him without music on. He's messy, too. Oh, and he tends to cough without covering his mouth. And if he covers his mouth, he never, ever washes his hands after. I managed to keep my mouth shut until he started coughing, and then I just couldn't take it anymore and asked him to wash his hands. I can only take so much of that shit. Later on, we went for a beer, and he ordered some fries for us to share. After every bite, he licked his fingers, before sticking them right back into the basket of fries. On top of being unhygienic, I just thought that was totally rude. Especially after he'd complained earlier that he felt like he was coming down with something. I told him I thought it was gross, and then my brother pointed out that he was buying and I felt like an asshole. It's his right to eat his own food with his disgusting slimy fingers if he wants, and I don't have to share if it grosses me out.

Anyway, that particular transgression aside, they both seemed to think that I was being totally neurotic about germs. And I started thinking, is it really about the germs? I'm a clean person, but I don't consider myself a germophobe. I know that a completely germ-free existense is not only an impossible delusion, but unhealthy, as well - germs strengthen the immune system, and antibacterial soaps and sanitizers have their own health risks, on top of the fact that they apparently make germs worse. What freaks me out is the intimacy of sharing someone else's bodily fluids. I wouldn't share a toothbrush with my dad, and eating food that his dirty, saliva-covered fingers have been in is the exact same thing. It's really about personal space. It's like bodily contact once removed. Working in retail and seeing the customers sticking their hands in the bulk candy bins, or watching people pick their noses on the bus right before pushing the "stop" button, and knowing that I could easily be coming into contact with their personal filth this way, just makes me feel like my personal space is being violated. It kind of freaks me out how much sense this makes in my mind and how neurotic it sounds when I try to explain it.
Babsalicious
God..Im glad I saw this thread..
I swear the older I get, i just dont give a shit much about socializing. I mean, if im in the mood ill talk to people at the grocery store or something but once im home then, well it feels damn good to be there. If im somewhere where I have to socialize for a few hours then I need a few days of quiet. My best friends are my husband and my daughter.
Id much rather stay at home, with the phone shut off, listening to music and playing World of Warcraft.
Also..I have a 'friend' who lives about 8 hours from me who calls me every week. Im just not a phone person and she dosent seem to get it. She is really pushy and a bit stalkerish. That dosent work for me at.all.
epinephrine
Ugh. I'm still not any closer to figuring out what role socializing has in my life. I'm trying to just listen closely to myself, but that little voice that tells me what I really want and what I should really do is very quiet and easily drowned out in the presence of others. Since I started paying close attention to my social needs, though, I've been enjoying my time alone a lot more. Spending time alone in my apartment used to depress me, but now I really relish the peace, the lack of stress, the freedom to do whatever I want without having to worry about entertaining someone. I go places and do fun things by myself, too. And I've been spending quality time with family and successfully socializing with friends. I'm actually doing really well. But I'm stressed out today and feeling kind of down on myself.

One thing in particular that's really bothering right now are the group projects at school. It's not that I'm a bad worker, but I think I've developed work habits that aren't very conducive to a group project. If I'm not completely in control, I just have no idea what to do with myself. Maybe it's because I start every project by envisioning the finished product, which is impossible to do in a group project where your contribution only makes up a part of the finished product. So while I'm trying to get my head around that, the other people keep beating me to the work, which makes me look (and feel) like an asshole. But, of course, if I were to say anything to them I'd end up looking like I was making excuses, thus confirming my asshole-ness. And I just get completely bend out of shape over it. And being in a leadership role isn't much better, because I just want it done my way. I suck at sharing work.

And when this happens, it triggers this depression where I compare myself to everyone - friends, family, coworkers, classmates, strangers - and just feel like a loser.
buttercups
Epinephrine it sounds like you have been making a lot of positive changes, and you should be proud of yourself for that. I know that kind of depression you are talking about that, I am always comparing myself like that.

Right now I'm feeling really depressed cause I just feel like I have no real friends. All my college friends are scattered far across the country, so I can only reach them through the phone. I'm living at home, commuting to school during the year- which has just isolated me even more. And now that it's summer all my friends I did have at school are gone again for the 3 month break. I have only about 2 friends from high school that I still see at home. And I have my bf. And that's it. It's just so pathetic and I always feel depressed and lonely. It's so hard to make friends when you're out of college and everything. How do you guys meet people? I really want some more girlfriends, I would just love to have some people to hang out with on some kind of regular basis. It is just so very lonely. Any suggestions for how to make new friends when you're 25 + ?
Persiflager
((buttercups and epinephrine))

Congratulations both on remaining positive and constructive!

Buttercups, I think you've posted before about being really busy, but would you enjoy something like a book group? Or meetup.com? I know other busties have had success meeting like-minded people on there to hang out with.

Epinephrine, you're being too hard on yourself! The reason you're assigned group work at college is because it's a skill that needs to be learned, like speaking in public or writing essays. Are there people on your group that you can learn from, either by observing how they work with others or by asking them directly how you can improve your contribution? This won't have come naturally to any of them.

I would use the phrase 'great learning opportunity' but I'd sound like a motivational poster tongue.gif But it really is! Try approaching group work as if you were learning a foreign language, or training for a race - what are you hoping to accomplish, what tools do you need, how can you measure your improvement?

Sorry, that does sound a bit insane! I just mean.... stop thinking that you are fundamentally bad at this. Start thinking of it as a learning curve, and then you can work out how to move along it.
buttercups
Thanks so much for the ideas Persiflager, I'm gonna definitely try looking into meetup.com. I just have to get up the courage to actually go.

I've been trying to connect with some old friends lately, but a lot of them either live way too far away to ever be able to do stuff with or are married and don't really like going out at night anymore and stuff. It's just so hard to make friends once you're out of school. I have all these regrets about losing touch with so many people over the years. I wish back then I had just put in more of an effort so I wouldn't be feeling so lonely now. I guess that's the price you pay for being more of an introverted person. It's weird I know in my heart of hearts that I'm more introverted, but something inside me just wants to fight that part of my personality so much. It is hard for me to be a really social person, always going out with others, sometimes I'd just prefer to stay at home. But then something inside me doesn't feel right about being alone when I am. I just can't be happy with my more anti-social personality, I will always fight that part of me for some reason.
Persiflager
Good article on Jezebel about making new friends when you're a 'grown-up'.
sukouyant
QUOTE(buttercups @ Jun 7 2010, 03:52 PM) *
Thanks so much for the ideas Persiflager, I'm gonna definitely try looking into meetup.com. I just have to get up the courage to actually go.

I've been trying to connect with some old friends lately, but a lot of them either live way too far away to ever be able to do stuff with or are married and don't really like going out at night anymore and stuff. It's just so hard to make friends once you're out of school. I have all these regrets about losing touch with so many people over the years. I wish back then I had just put in more of an effort so I wouldn't be feeling so lonely now. I guess that's the price you pay for being more of an introverted person. It's weird I know in my heart of hearts that I'm more introverted, but something inside me just wants to fight that part of my personality so much. It is hard for me to be a really social person, always going out with others, sometimes I'd just prefer to stay at home. But then something inside me doesn't feel right about being alone when I am. I just can't be happy with my more anti-social personality, I will always fight that part of me for some reason.


buttercups your post inspired me to get up and make the time for a meet up with an old grade school buddy. We found each other on facebook and have been playing "meetup tag" for about a year! I'm kind of scared about how I'll appear to her, her opinion of what I've done with my life so far (so silly huh!). Anyhow getting back in touch with people can be done, just takes a couple of emails and a clearance of the calendar, really. I've also had good results with meetup.com. Took some tango classes, joined a movie group (tho still haven't had the time and $ to get out to this one), a women-run-business one, and also ended up starting a meet-up group of my own for a niche I couldn't find on there.

I've been thinking about how making friends was really easy as a small child. You basically just said, can I play (or 'wanna play with us') and voila new recess buddy. I was thinking about ALL THE YEARS I wasted in highschool pining after people and being shy. I wish I had just walked up to the boys I crushed on and said "hey want to go see blahblahblah? wanna hang out with me today after school?". Looking back now, I think the result would have been positive.

I spend a lot of time alone and need it - I think there are some people who are more invigorated by socializing than others, and then there are people like us who really really need alone-time to recharge. I sometimes worry about the time I spend indoors alone and think "Won't I regret this when I'm old and really *can't* move around freely." But maybe that just means I need to spend more time outdoors - alone.
buttercups
Sukouyant, that is awesome! I'm sure your old friend is going to love meeting up with you! It's great that you tried meetup.com. I went there too thanks to Persiflager's post and I joined an all-girls meetup group. I haven't quite gone to it yet though, I just feel so shy and awkward. I'm worried that everyone will already know each other and it will be all clique-y and everything, even though I know in my logical mind that the group was ultimately designed for people who don't know each other to meet up. How silly is that? But you actually went and had a good time? Did you make any long-term friends out of that?

I know EXACTLY what you mean about all those years wasted. I also think about all the people I let go in my life that maybe I shouldn't have. I've always been bad at keeping in touch and now I wish that there were so many people that I had kept in touch with. It was so much easier when we were little and nothing was all complicated like it seems to be now. I really wish I too had taken advantage of that time. But I can also completely relate to your need for alone time- that is sooo me! I try to fight it, I don't know why, but I do like the time I have to myself or just with my bf bc I don't feel like I have to impress him in any way and we can just lay around and be comfortable together. But whenever I do spend some time alone I feel guilty for it, like I should be out doing things with other people. My nature is more introverted, but for whatever reason I'm always trying to fight that, feeling like I just should be more social and it's bad to be the way that I am. Do you ever feel like that?

And thanks for the article Persiflager, those are some great ideas, I need to get off my butt and try them!
Persiflager
Ach, I'm just as bad! Realised the other day how long it's been since I met up with a particular girlie friend, and was thoroughly ashamed!

I think it was one of the commenters on the Jezebel article who made a good point about having more casual friends as an adult. I sometimes think I've failed in a new friendship because we're not instantly super-close bosom buddies, but it's not fair to judge these new relationships by the intensity of teenage friendships (and I don't think I could cope with those all over again!). I really like knowing people I can meet up with for some 'light' socialness - enough to scratch the people itch without requiring huge emotional investment.

Ok, this thread had pushed me to email two old friends and set something up. Excellent leading by example!
sukouyant
QUOTE(buttercups @ Jul 7 2010, 10:07 PM) *
Did you make any long-term friends out of that?


Too soon to tell, but I've a couple of people that I hope that happens with.
I hope you try out that group buttercups. On the one hand, if it's cliquey, no loss, they'll be too wrapped up in each other to be judging you, and if it's not cliquey at all it's a good opportunity to see if there are fun gals to get to know. If it's still too much pressure, maybe focus on the activity (like if you guys are out watching a movie or playing pool or whatever) so your character can unfold naturally and you can watch others the same way? (or try an activity-focused group)

Persiflager, such a good point about expectations of rapid intensity and closeness; that is something that I miss a lot and the expectation has probably been blocking me from taking the time to develop relationships.
ketto
I'm joining in on this thread. I would say I have 3 best friends, and I've known them all for 20 years. I've been posting in the anxiety thread about a lot of issues I've been having lately that mainly have to do with one friend moving to the UK. Her twin sister (and my other friend) already lives in another province. She usually comes home 3 or 4 times in 10 months but this year she won't be because she'll be visiting her sister at Christmas and there's less reason to come home. My third friend is amazing and we play sports together in the winter but we haven't hung out 1-on-1 in a long time, it's always the four of us together - but I want to change that asap. And the person I would consider my 4th good friend is separate from my other friends and I've been letting our friendship lapse a bit.

I'm having a really hard time with the friends moving because they're pretty much the only people me and paperboy hang out with together on weekends. The realization that we won't have those Saturday night hangouts is really depressing for me. They'll be back in a year but I know i need to put myself out there more in the meantime and find some new friends.

I see a lot of folks mentioning reconnecting with old friends and folks from the past but I've never really had other close friends, and any of the casual friends aren't really the kind of people I want to socialize with. The friends who I'm friends with have been my best friends since 8th grade and I've always had the luxury of having them by my side. I found a lot of the people in my university classes really fake and disingenuine. The one person I did connect with stayed friends with me for a while and then she suddenly stopped returning my phone calls and messages around December. I have no idea why but I figure I've tried to reach out multiple times. I don't feel like I did anything wrong and things were perfectly normal the last time we hung out so I assume something changed on her end.

I've taken a look at meetup.com but my city has depressingly few groups and almost none of them are active. I have some other options for groups or classes though that I'm looking into for the fall. I'm not very good at putting myself out there and I tend to get shy and self conscious at first but I'm really trying to work on that. I find it hard to open up to people too - I find a lot of people I meet seem really insincere and I'd like friends that I can have a serious conversation with but who can also have fun.

So much easier in grade school.
sukouyant
QUOTE(ketto @ Jul 15 2010, 10:08 AM) *
.... I find it hard to open up to people too - I find a lot of people I meet seem really insincere and I'd like friends that I can have a serious conversation with but who can also have fun.

So much easier in grade school.


Maybe it's hard for everyone to strike a balance between sincerity and keeping fears of opening up in check, initially.

After large social meetings, like last night, I wonder (obsessively) how I come off - I think I come off alternately as 1. A mute; 2. A flake; 3. Someone who doesn't want or need to make new friends; 4. Forgettable/invisible

Sometimes I wish I could film myself out in the world to see how I really appear, body language, stuttering and all. I really hope it's not as bad as I think it is.

Watching other people in those situations, there's a little bit of hollowness, but also little glimpses of their real selves. It makes me wonder how to encourage the real parts in myself and others.

I've never met anyone who's entirely fearless in social situations surrounded by strangers. I wonder if they would be terrifying, like Kali, or Paris Hilton, or just really easy going and natural and nice to be around.
Lunalu
So, I've been following this thread for a while now, and I had been debating about posting until I read the jezebel article! and that encouraged me to post. I don't know if this really works for this thread but I really need to get this off my chest.
I also feel like very unsocial person, because I've just gotten out of an emotionally destructive marriage, and this keeps me just so away from any guy, I'm just not interested in anyone. I want to have girl friends whom I can count on, but that seems like getting more difficult as I get older because maybe I'm getting picky, or I'm just looking for something that I can relate to in a girl friend otherwise it just doesn't pass the point of being casual friends.
Maybe this needs to go on to the moving on thread but not really because I don't feel anything emotional for this particular girlfriend that I have. I've just gotten a new job, and I'm moving to seattle for the job, and I don't know anyone there yet. My girlfriend was the one who encouraged me to come back to the states (after my divorce, I had to escape the states and take a rest with mom overseas), she's just making me confused. She also encouraged me to get a post box for my mails and promised she would check it while I was away. She only checked it twice in 10 weeks. I understand people are busy with work and school... but I find myself having very little tolerance for friends who flake out, and yet still I can't disconnect from them.

So anyway, I came back to the states during the 4th of july weekend, and she was supposed to spend the weekend with me, because supposedly she was so excited that I was coming back... but a day before I arrived, she decided to go with her parents to spend the weekend at a lake house. okay, family matters, I understand... but then we keep making plans, she changes them at the last minute, which just touches my nerves so bad...after the 4th of july weekend, I had to drive to seattle where the job was, and she was supposedly coming with me, and she changed her mind again at the last minute again and didn't company me, just so she could stay at home and babysit her neighbors kids for 3 hours, to make a little money! I had to rent a car, and drove 3.5 hours each way by myself, and I got the job!!!
after that we stayed together for a couple of nights, and then she told me she couldn't spend anymore nights with me at her family's house because she had family matters that she needed to attend to-if she was coming with me on the weekend to seattle to look for an apartment..so we haven't seen each other this week, except for one 10 minute break when I stopped by her place, which then she told me she was hanging out with this boy, and how that was going, and all that...so in fact, she just wanted to spend this week nights with her 'boy' friends (I don't say guy friends, because they are all boys, mostly even underage!) and used her family matters as an excuse to not hang out together...

So tomorrow I'm going to seattle to look for a place to live. She's supposedly coming with me, but I can't trust her again, because we were supposed to stay together tonight and leave for the road trip early in the morning. She called me this morning to tell me we can't spend the night together, because she has such and such commitments tonight, and then she will see this guy (who is also underage!), so she is literally ditching me for a boy who is even younger than her... and telling me we should meet up in downtown just before the road trip... meantime I'm overwhelmed with roommate / apartment shopping, making tons of phone calls, and babysitting (to make some extra money because I'm broke) so that I can pay for one night stay at a hotel, or hostel (for both of us!) so that I can find a place to stay for when I start working... she wants to come with me, and I'll be spending so much for both of us, and she doesn't even offer help for planning...

I spend great time when I'm with her, and she does too... maybe it's just time to say goodbye to friendship, because I don't need any extra stress during this already stressful transition stage, but then I also don't want to be completely by myself, doing roommate search/house search... maybe I'm exaggerating too much, and expecting too much from her, while she just likes to be free, and flake and lie as much as she wants, and still stay friends... it just sucks to be by myself, I'm missing casual friendships, but also want something more than a casual friendship, maybe I'm just looking for an impossible girlfriendship, maybe seeking the kind of friendship my sister and I have for each other because I keep comparing.. i know it's a little stupid, but I just can't stand flakiness, and dishonesty.

I'm already very nervous about moving away, going to a new state... I don't know anyone.. the first weeks of a new job are always the most awkward times. I keep making plans about how I can really meet people, but then I don't actually follow up on my own plans. I don't know.. the relationships, friendships are getting difficult for me, because I find a lot girls' talk very shallow, and I intentionally stay away from guys.. so, maybe I should embrace my loneliness... <sigh>
auralpoison
I'd just like to give a big ol' ((((((Sib)))))).

I'm so sorry that things are so in crazy transition for you right now & that your "friend" is being such a shithead to you. If it were me, I'd jettison the cargo but quick since she seems to be disrespectful on so many different levels.
stargazer
(((Sib))) I agree with AP that you should 86 this friend. She sounds like she is letting herself be known to you....she counts more than you do.

I do not view your own feelings as being socially inept, but, a reflection of wanting a meaningful friendship with another woman and experiencing disappointment with a friend you hoped would be a lifelong friend. There are women out there looking for friendships with depth. I think like any other relationship issue, solid friendships take time to build. Heck, I had to make the decision to stop being friends with my old circle in my 20s to figure out I needed a new group. I had no clue what I wanted in friends, but, emotional support in my personal and professional pursuit was number 1. I've met alot of people in the past 7 years. Who would've thought that Busties would provide me with the type of friendships I've wanted for myself. So, keep posting here and you do never know who you might end up calling a friend. Btw, there are Busties in Seattle you might want to meetup with.

Also, if you need to vent about this friend (which you should keep doing!), post in the Friendship thread.
Lunalu
thanks for the comments star and AP, now that I'm back from seattle, and I've found a place, I feel better, and I've distanced myself from seeing her. I think she also realizes that I'm not into her dating games, boys' talk, etc...so she doesn't bring it up as often as she used to... we did end up going to seattle together, and she had spent the whole night out and she was telling me how stupid idea that was blah blah... but at least we didn't have any arguments over her all flaking out on me, etc... I think I'm just accepting the fact that I'll be alone, and I can do w/o her as well, and still be sort of okay with my loneliness... Star, I guess what you say is right, it's not really about being unsocial, but searching for a meaningful relationship...
I guess I'll follow up on the friends thread letter if things change, or get worse! or better..who knows.
anna k
Tonight I felt pretty good going to a book club in my neighborhood, via meetup.com. I had been to the book club before, but hadn't thought much about it. It was pleasant and nice, but I never had the feeling of wanting to make it a regular thing. But lately I've felt that I wanted to meet more people who were into the stuff I like (books, indie films), and went to the book club tonight. It was a lot of fun. It happened to be a special night where the author was there, and not only was she interesting and thoughtful, she happened to know a casual acquaintance of mine through her publishing career. I had really enjoyed her novel, and felt a fun vibe tonight.

I've also expanded more into the indie film world, mainly through my editorial job. I attend screenings, interview directors, and keep in contact with people in PR and film. It's about networking and relationships, but also building some friendships and connections. I am turning 27 this month, and feel much more settled in what I want and who I am.

I still get down on myself sometimes because I am naturally introverted, and despite big changes in being more social, I can feel bad if I get to know someone better who is leaving or going away, and thinking "Why didn't I talk to them more before? Why was I more reserved?" I don't like to overthink, nor do I like to beat myself up for not being outspoken or not knowing to say the right thing at the right moment. I would feel like I had missed out, then would tell myself that these people probably don't care or don''t remember. My best friend told me that I "don't have to be everyone's best friend," and not to worry about it, but a lot of it is getting over my past shynesses. I've told him that I wanted to be a part of a community, saying I often felt like an outsider in some groups, so he encouraged the indie film and artsy stuff and book clubs, and not try to look for approval from others. Since I gained more confidence in my professional life and social life, I, at times, have a "screw 'em" attitude that feels more refreshing, free of stress, and being comfortable in my own skin.

Also, there is a local bar that I go to sometimes, if I want to relax after work or if I'm not busy on a weekend night and don't want to feel cooped up at home. I have water or a pint, listen to music, chat with the regulars, and just feel at ease and more socially connected. It's all just pleasant and casual, but has helped me feel more open and less shut-in.

It's felt like a long journey to get to this place, and I still kick myself for any social mistakes I've made, usually due to coming off as shy or aloof when I was more reserved.
genghis cunt
I have been with my boyfriend since March 2006, and we moved in together September 2007. I want to establish my own self again, but it's hard to go out and not feel like I am abandoning my partner. Plus I am very self-conscious about being a large, opinionated woman who is dealing with some emotional issues. It is hard to make friends in my city--people mostly know each other from work and church. My job is small and I am a Unitarian/Atheist in a Baptist city. Any ideas?
Persiflager
Hi genghis!

Call me Miss Predictable, but I'd have to suggest the ol' hobbies route. Are you a choir / book group / sporty lady? I personally have a preference for things like that where you can talk about the common interest while you get to know people.

There's also the meet-up website.

On the boyfriend front, can you encourage him to do the same? If you're both out on the same night during the week, no-one will feel abandoned.
genghis cunt
I triet meetup for a French language group (meh, nothing spectacular) and an atheist group (got stood up). Maybe I should give it another shot. However, my hobbies are drinking, eating, and bitch about conservatives, so it's hard in the Bible belt. But thanks for the tips--I will give it another shot.
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