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anna k
Martha Gellhorn was incredible. She lived a full and wild life, but still had her anxieties.

I haven't dated since September, after I became platonic with a guy I dated and he's with someone else now. Since then I don't have interest in blind dates anymore, just wanting something natural and relaxed, a mix of "I can hang with you but I want to sleep with you too."

I'd like to have more female friends, and wish that I could have a clique to hang with every weekend, but it's a rarity. I want to go out to clubs with them and dance and feel sexy and fun. Clubs are usually too loud for me, but when I'm with friends I like to dance with them and feel safe and comfortable.
ginger_kitty
(((laurenann))) Being strange is cool! Who wants to be like everyone else?

Usually the holiday's make me feel the most inept. Normally I would be really down for not having plans X-mas and New Years. But this year I just don't seem to care. Which is strange b/c I tried really hard this year to get out and make new friends and at the end of the year really have no new buddies. Screw it, maybe I just wasn't meant to be social.
freckleface2727
QUOTE(ginger_kitty @ Dec 14 2006, 05:45 PM) *

(((laurenann))) Being strange is cool! Who wants to be like everyone else?

But this year I just don't seem to care. Which is strange b/c I tried really hard this year to get out and make new friends and at the end of the year really have no new buddies. Screw it, maybe I just wasn't meant to be social.


being "normal" is highly over rated; who wants to be just like everyone else anyway?
I'd rather be that comet that rocks the curve any day, even though yes, it can be lonely.

and ditto ginger, I've made more of an effort this year too, but whatever.

we have another Dinner Thing for the mr's work friday night and a part of me, a BIG part of me, wants to say 'fuck you all' and wear my black chuck's bc they both give me great courage and are just some damned comfortable shoes but I won't, bc it wouldn't be seemly. (ugh. shudder. wretch).

I hate conforming, which might be a big part of my solitude issues; bc even when I try that rebel streak still shines though and scares people away. if that's the case, I'm ok with it.
anna k
I like sitting in Borders alone, drinking cocoa, and reading magazines. I feel content and peaceful and sophiscated and cool there. It's my happy place.
wombat
I would never think of you as "dorky" anna k!
anna k
Aww thanks, wombat. I still feel like an inner dork, even behind a sophiscated, lady-like veneer.
crazyoldcatlady
anna k, because i'm stalking you (or, we happen to frequent the same threads wink.gif ), i'd just like to say you rock, and no matter how socially inept you might feel, it takes big cajones to go out clubbing/etc by your bad self
anna k
Thanks cherie.
datagirl
Ok, so as much as I hate my job,I'm a tad nervous about having the next two weeks off.I have worked so hard for this and thank god we close over xmas/new year.I tend to do alot of stuff on my own and since breaking up with my fiance in January this has increased 10 fold.I do have one really good friend but she's just so dominated by her husband and I feel we are slowly growing apart.I am afraid of being totally on my own when I'm old though and that can somewhat depress me.I love shopping alone,driving alone,reading alone,eating alone.Yeah I'm weird.Sometimes all this solitude calms me,other times it makes me really depressed.I'm more inclined to decline invitations and this worries me.When did I get so reclusive? I'm 29 so next year will be the big 30.The thoughts I have about being social are I know I 'should' because my youth is running out and I'm going to regret it and the other thoughts are why bother?? I also get really nervous meeting people and I think that they are going to judge me or worse,be out rightly rude.It's just hard.
laurenann
((data)) you are among other socially inept dorks here who understand exactly what you're saying. and, for chris'sakes, hold onto that one close friend.
datagirl
Laurenann,
Your're right.I'll call her this afternoon.
She is a very good friend,has been since the second grade. smile.gif
anna k
http://www.myspace.com/raychis4lovers I'm jealous of this girl, this little hottie with tons of friends. I feel like I'm boring and solitary and unrelatable. I don't know what it is. I've grown out of being shy and reserved, I've been more social, I've been active in writing and dancing and meeting people and seeing lots of things in the city, but I still feel like a nerd. I've always been a bit nerdy and old-fashioned, and on my own a lot, like people just peel off of me. It sucks.

I try to count the good things about myself. I like my looks more. I've had pieces published. I have interned at major places. I've been sexual with guys and have tried to be more affectionate. I took ballet classes for several months and practice a lot with DVDs that have ballet/modern dance exercises. I dress better. I've traveled on my own more.

I don't know. I like myself, but I get down when I feel depressed or in a rut.
datagirl
Anna K,
Please don't let this girl make you feel bad.
Rachel on myspace can blow me with this quote......

“Insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade"
I bet that isnt even hers.
Sure,It's a well known fact that beautiful people have more friends.People feel good around good looking people.Rach needs to pull more of a pin outa her grenade though.
But on myspace I could have heaps of friends too.She certainly has alot of time on her hands to get that site up and running.Maybe she's just as lonely as the rest of us.Maybe Rachel needs fake friends to make her feel better .Maybe she is really insecure, otherwise why the grenade quote??
I havent even showered today.....and I feel kinda ok with that..... smile.gif
pho#1
anyone could put on an inch of make-up, hoist their boobs up to their chin and take a pouty model face photo, then get a ton of "friends" on myspace. LOL
you sound a million times more interesting than that self-absorbed little tart.

i love this video, especially the first minute:
myspace
PallasC
I feel largely awkward in social situatuons too, having been just living (juggling full-time college enrollment and full-time employment the last three years,) and not taking time for interactions. Now that I am facing my first semester without having to work I am nervously gulping in anticipation of what I can do in my free time. I finally gave out my number to two classmates who seem like friend potential.

Funnily enough it was Myspace that gave me the moxie to be a bit more outgoing. It wasn't the "friends" that I aquired on my lists that inspired me to meet them per se, but rather their needy behaviour. I realized that for all of their long friends lists they were probably doing what I'm doing, sitting in my room on the computer thinking that "hey, this is a form of healthy social interaction!"

Don't get me wrong; I've met some good friends on Myspace, but actually risking a little face to face interaction has worked well for me. I actually found out that the two women I gave my numbers to felt very isolated too. We were all imagining that we were having mad, carefree lives when in fact we were all just hunched over homework wondering what the others were up to.
ginger_kitty
Annak, I agree with everybody else about that girl, don't let her get you down. A lot of people on myspace have tons of friends on thier list. I have a myspace, but for the most part try to restrict my list to people I know, people I went to school with, or people I talk to on the internet. It's easy to accept every friends request you recieve and build a giant list of people who don't give a shit about you but what's the point? And everybody has insecurities!!!

Went to a family X-mas get together, yesterday. It was really awkward, I don't really know my dad's family. So no one really spoke to my hubby or I. The food was good, though. Could of gone to a friends art show last night but we would have only known a few people so we skipped it, fearing it would feel a bit odd.

The hubby and I have remain pretty inept and dorky even on the holiday's. We have a X-mas eve tradition of going to the arcade b/c no one else is there and we can play what ever games we want. Then X-mas night after the family crap, which I think we might skip this year, we have a quite dinner a Chinese restuarant.
hiddenpoet
i wish i could skip all this family crap like you ginger_kitty.
dad is visiting us and he doesnt act like a guest in our new home. he acts the same as he does at his home. i don't drink beer or like television, or eat meat, or inhale junk food. i'm tired of rock music so that makes me stuck up. Josh my bf is being a good host because my dad and i have nothing but a last name in common. so i feel left out on our first holiday. This was going to be my first holiday away from illinois and the brand of the black sheep of my family.
datagirl
Who else here is totally over xmas??? Well I am...Although I had a great day with my parents yesterday.The rest of the family had a lunch on xmas eve that I didn't go to.I'm fighting big time with my sister ect ect ect......Anyway,yesterday was great.We had a picnic at the beach,(I'm in Australia and it's Summer here) Just the three of us.It was just a really pleasant day.Apparently my sister was a total cow to my mother at the lunch so I don't feel so bad about missing it!!
I do wish we could all get on,but there is childhood stuff that I'm trying to sort out as well.
Ho hum.How was everyone elses Xmas??I really want to experience a white christmas though.That would be amazing.Maybe next year.
ginger_kitty
My best gal pal, wants to make big plans for New Years, and I am just not feeling it. When I was in school I got all my partying out of my system, and I hate over crowded bars on New Year's eve. We had standing plans with some friends, we used to celebrate every year with them for about 5 years, but we had a falling out. Now I seriously look forward to just chilling with my hubby. I'm kicking myself saying I would do something when I really just want to stay home.

ginger_kitty
Stayed home with just the Mr. and it was wonderful!!! I like stress free celebrations!!

*Happy New Years to all the inept Busties*
go_kayte
I usually feel like a big old socially inept dork, but last night I was at my friend's going away party and I didn't! Instead of just making my boyfriend hang out with me in a corner, I talked to people and made two new friends. I just wanted to share cause I'm shy and stuff. smile.gif
freckleface2727
go_kayte that Rocks!
way to step out of your shell and meet new people! smile.gif

Yah ginger_ kitty for a stress-free and happier New Year's Eve!

.. is it weird to be suddenly a lot closer to someone you've known for awhile and used to get mildly annoyed by from time to time, and find yourself really enjoying hanging out all of a sudden?

I find myself in just that situation, and feel, I don't know, maybe like I Should feel bad for borderline mistreating (screeeeeeeening her calls) her before, but the last few weeks we've really gotten close and are even looking at joining a gym together to work out in a buddy-system.
anna k
Congratulations, kayte! That feels great to push confidence out of yourself and talk to new people instead of settling into being a wallflower.

I've been a lot more social lately. Two Fridays ago I met with a guy I used to date, and we and his friend went to MoMA and checked out new exhibits. It felt relaxed and cool, and he invited me, which made me feel happy and wanted.

I was attracted to his friend's dad. He reminded me of my high school English teacher who had a smart, quiet, cool appeal about him. Very smart and subtly sexy without knowing it.

Last Thursday a girl friend and I went out to Thai dinner, where we talked a lot and I felt happy to have a girl friend to trust in and be myself with.

And last Friday my brother invited me to Brooklyn, where he lives in a tiny apartment with his friend. We saw Volver and adored it, and walked around his neighborhood, me soaking it up. We listened to Miles Davis and James Brown in his place and talked a lot. He's a cool kid, and I like his neighborhood, it's warm and comfortable.

It feels good to get out of my skin and my head, and do things that others want to do so I can learn new things and be in a different world for a few hours.
llamas
*peek*
anna k and go_kayte, yay for being social!

freckleface, it is totally not weird to change your mind about someone...one of my best friends started out as a severe online pissing match re: grammar. tongue.gif We hung out (along with other people) a lot IRL and she always vaguely annoyed me, until a guy messed with her head in my presence and something just snapped...now she's like my little sister, even though she's 6 months older than me! I'm really glad we both let ourselves get over our previous issues.
micawave
Let's all be socially inept together!!
I have been working on an interesting project somwhat related to this at work ..
check it out:
http://www.sho.com/site/lword/second_life.do?source=blog


ginger_kitty
Seriously??? Spam in the socially inept thread?

*storms off before getting nasty*
freckleface2727
I know ginger, just what I was thinking too.
but let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
after all, it Is the thread of the inept yes?


micawave,
before you post here, or anywhere for that matter, please go to the Lounge and to the http://www.bust.com/lounge/index.php?showtopic=340 For the Newbies
thread and introduce yourself. if you do some reading there you will learn some of the "rules" for posting here so that you don't just jump in head first only to discover you've hit a sandbar.

biggrin.gif
anna k
I feel lonely growing up this much and wrapping up the school year. I applied for more jobs today and will visit Astoria on the weekends, checking out more places. My life is all work and school. I get worried about the state of the world and think, What's the point of working so hard if the world's lifespan will be cut short? I get lonely and want to see friends on a daily basis, but it doesn't happen often. I hung out with people last weekend and had a ball, but it feels as if it happened long ago. I feel nervous moving in with a new roommate, hoping she would accept me and like me, since I usually feel like I am weird or not likeable enough. Sometimes I can feel cold and reserved and closed-off, but I was really happy when I hung out with my girl friend, my brother, and the med student, feeling social and normal and being a part of someone else's world for a few hours.
ginger_kitty
annak, I think the same things about the state of the world sometimes. I wonder if I am being realistic with some of my plans, and ponder am I planning for a future that may never happen?

I feel moody in regards to friends, sometimes I really desperately wish I had more, other times I am distant to the ones I have. Not picking up the phone when they call, or canceling plans. But when I do hang out I usually have a great time. I am very content just being alone, though.
laurenann
I want to do something but I don't know who to call or what to do. Wahh.

ETA: i texted my roomates and they didn't text back and my boyfriend is playing video games so i gave up on trying to have plans for tonight. this woman i am trying to be friends with texted me to ask if i wanted to go out, so i called her right away and was like "yessss please I am not doing anythinngggg!!!" i am so LAME. gah. i should of texted her a little bit later with like "ok, call me later" or something. now she thinks i am a loser and will hang out with me out of pity. and now i am psyching myself out of being social and am not going to have any fun hanging out. aaaccckkkk.
anna k
Today my brother and I hung out at BAM, where there was a fun Martin Luther King, Jr. celebration, featuring a string of politcians, a gospel choir, the rapper Will Power, the Black Rock Coalition, and Rutha Harris, a gospel singer. Great music, so-so politicians, and a documentary about the disenfranchisment of black votes in the 2000 and 2004 national elections. It was a great day and I was glad to feel busy and among a group of people in the theater.

I felt so lonely on Saturday night. I went to the Fulton Mall in Brooklyn, where I checked out a cheap record store that my brother reccomended, and that was going out of business. I bought two CDs, a CD single of Gwen Stefani's "Cool" (ft. a remix of "Hollaback Girl") and a blues comp. After that I took the train back to Manhattan, and went to another record store, getting Patti Sciafla's album after reading raves about her in Jancee Dunn's book. I had dinner at a Thai resturaunt I like, and walked back home.
dirtyfrenchnovel
I can SO relate to everything everyone is saying on this board. I feel so many of the same things.

I am a full time college student(last semsester before graduation too so everything is ultra crazy!)
I don't feel like I fit in at my school. I am a commuter and I am also 23 which is a few years older than most of the people I am around in my classes. Not living near campus keeps me out of the social scene. So I truly despise going to school as I feel uncomfortable and awkward there.

Yet, in my hometown I have many friends. However, many are very heavily into the bar scene and I just cannot go to the bar every night. In fact, with these friends often I can't have in depth interaction without alcohol being involved, both on their part and mine. I don't like that I have to get drunk to be brave enough to communicate.

Other friends I have, well I don't feel exactly like I fit in there either. They're either married with babies, or really caught up in careers, neither of which do I have.

I find myself more and more just staying in, wanting the phone to ring, but dreading when it does. I don't like the way I feel out in public. Not comfortable in my own skin.

I have felt this way for a good portion of my life.

After I graduate, I'm thinking of moving to NYC. I'm worried that I won't fit in there at all. One part of me thinks that in a city that huge it should be easy to make friends. But I feel as though it will be just the opposite.
anna k
It is difficult to make friends in NYC when people are so busy and preoccupied. You can try Craigslist for female friends or meetup.com for speicla-interest groups. I've hung out with people from ftotz, a message board with a lot of New Yorkers. You can look up things to do in Time Out NY, The Village Voice, NY Press, and New York magazine and open up to people there. It's difficult, and you may not have people you can confide in all the time, but it helps to feel more social and more open and comfortable with various people.
freckleface2727
ok, I know I'm a total dork for admitting this, but I just discovered, thru classmates.com, that an old old friend of mine from when we were like, I don't 13 or 14, has been looking for me apparently for several years and it tickles me to heck.
I emailed her my # and am really hoping she calls.
granted, she too lives in another state, but that seems the story of my life and in this case, I was the one who left.
and I think that's part of what keeps me so emotionally invested in all that... bc I did leave, first a few hours away and then a whole other continent, I somehow assume that my friends that stayed back got something I didn't, that I was the one who missed out even though what I know of most of them is that their lives seem so small and unchanged or different from their parents and I think I would suffocate were I forced to go back and live like that again.
still, they have a piece that I don't have, so greedy or pathetic?
sometimes that is how I feel , very needy.

on a lighter note: the bookclub I am joining meets for the 1st time monday night!
I am hopeful, oh so pathetically hopeful, of *finally* meeting some cool people!
(note to self: make sincere and real effort to control exhuberance so as to not scare people off.)
go_kayte
QUOTE(dirtyfrenchnovel @ Jan 18 2007, 10:01 PM) *

I can SO relate to everything everyone is saying on this board. I feel so many of the same things.

I am a full time college student(last semsester before graduation too so everything is ultra crazy!)
I don't feel like I fit in at my school. I am a commuter and I am also 23 which is a few years older than most of the people I am around in my classes. Not living near campus keeps me out of the social scene. So I truly despise going to school as I feel uncomfortable and awkward there.




This is me too--last semester, 22, live off campus (20 minutes away). Plus I don't follow sports so when I am talking to someone from a class or something and they say "that game was crazy last night" I'm like "what sport is it now?" and they usually look at me like I'm an alien. Plus when I tell someone from school where I live they're like "isn't that a scary part of town?" (it's not at all scary, and I think usually by "scary" they mean "black"). So I don't really want to hang out with those people. But it does feel very lonely at school when everyone else in all my classes knows each other and hang out together.
laurenann
freckle, good luck with the book group! finding the balance between "interesting" and "psycho" can be hard for the socially inept, don't'cha know. i always worry that i am being annoying.
ginger_kitty
freckle, I found some old gal pals from school on Myspace and I was psyched as hell!! Even though they live in other states we have been chatting online and making possible plans to visit each other and catch up.

It's so hard for me to make new friends, because I worry well this person probably already has a circle of friends and probably doesn't have time for me. So when I meet interesting people I don't try very hard to make a connection. I just met a new lady at work and we totally clicked which is rare for me, so I think I'm going to ask her to hang out. But god I am so awkward when it comes to stuff like that.
freckleface2727
oh ginger DO Ask Her.

I think that's terrific!
but tell me.. does it not feel like you're more or less asking someone for a date when you think about it?
I always feel all weird and akward in that situation; but I did not say that to psyche you out and how cool would it be were she to beat you to it? biggrin.gif

ok, must resume the harrassment of my cat w/ my girlchild today, heeeeeeeeeeeeere kittykittykitty... !
ginger_kitty
It would be awesome if she beat me to asking her to hang!! We offered me her hairdresser's number when I mentioned I was looking for one. And we really hit it off, we share the same morbid oddball sense of humor.

It is like dating!!! I am such a dork!
dirtyfrenchnovel
QUOTE(go_kayte @ Jan 19 2007, 11:00 PM) *

This is me too--last semester, 22, live off campus (20 minutes away). Plus I don't follow sports so when I am talking to someone from a class or something and they say "that game was crazy last night" I'm like "what sport is it now?" and they usually look at me like I'm an alien. Plus when I tell someone from school where I live they're like "isn't that a scary part of town?" (it's not at all scary, and I think usually by "scary" they mean "black"). So I don't really want to hang out with those people. But it does feel very lonely at school when everyone else in all my classes knows each other and hang out together.


yeah i'm about 20 mins away from my school too. but it may as well be another world. feels like it.
people ask me if my part of town is scary too. Or else they just have no conception of what it's like because they don't venture from the college town.

anna k--thanks, I will keep those resources in mind. that's the thing that worries me so, is not having a group of close friends to confide in. But at the same time, I cannot stay here. I've lived here for all my almost 24 years and It is time for a change. I suppose i'll just have to make the best of wherever I go. My boyfriend says he wants to move with me if I go. But he's so caught up in his social network here, that I can't see him making it in another town. So i've pretty much prepared myself to do it alone. It's scary.
laurenann
QUOTE(freckleface2727 @ Jan 20 2007, 06:50 PM) *


does it not feel like you're more or less asking someone for a date when you think about it?



ooh, it is SO like dating. right now i am psyching myself up to call a new couple my boyfriend and i are friends with to see if they want to go get dinner tonight. i'm worrying about how (inside my head now) "we've been to their apartment three times and they have never been to ours, so maybe i should make dinner here. then who else would i invite? i'd need to go to the store. maybe i should invite them over for drinks. but why would they want to come over just for drinks? I WONDER IF SHE LIKES ME?? we could go to karaoke. do they like karaoke?" etc, etc...

kickitkickitkickit
Yes, I could use some more friends. Basically my circle consists of a handful of friends and my boyfriends friends. You can say there is about 10 of us total. I feel so out of touch with people and I guess growing up in a small town will do that to you. I need to work on my people skills, and I'm not afraid to admit that.
freckleface2727
QUOTE(laurenann @ Jan 20 2007, 07:55 PM) *

ooh, it is SO like dating. right now i am psyching myself up to call a new couple my boyfriend and i are friends with to see if they want to go get dinner tonight. i'm worrying about how (inside my head now) "we've been to their apartment three times and they have never been to ours, so maybe i should make dinner here. then who else would i invite? i'd need to go to the store. maybe i should invite them over for drinks. but why would they want to come over just for drinks? I WONDER IF SHE LIKES ME?? we could go to karaoke. do they like karaoke?" etc, etc...

oh laurenann you crack me up! laugh.gif

the psychosis of the dialog in your head is so familiar it's scary!

but Don't Listen To The Little Voices.
bc if you do, you'll psyche yourself right out of making the call altogether and then your bf won't understand (is he like you/us or is he "normal?" hee!) what the big deal is, but he'll be esp annoyed if he too hates the phone (my mr is staunchly in that camp) and see what a big mess for not just doing it?!

I have a friend-good friend (?) who is German and while we always have a fantastic time when we are together, I have finally accepted that she is just not one to ever call. ever. I don't know if it's the phone-thing, her nationality, her personality, what, but when I do call, I generally feel I have to have a reason for calling, such as to ask her to do something. and she Always says Yes and we always have a blast so I know it's not me, but all the same, I'd like to be in touch w/ her more often bc the mr's are former co workers & friends but again, I only call if I have some sort of invitation to extend.
it took me about forever to realise that's how she is and it's ok.
as shy/socially inept as we feel, maybe others out there are actually much much worse even?

make those calls Both of you!!!!!! biggrin.gif
freckleface2727
== anxiety over the book club tonight, both social and topical bc I had been thinking that sinse I had already read & loved the book (+ saw the movie which was pretty close too) several years ago, all I'd need to do is skim it and be good, but I'd forgotten it's really wonderful & is a biiiig book w/ tiny print and find myself engrossed and unable or wanting to skip ahead.
so basically, I am going unprepared.

I sabotage myself on purpose sometimes I believe.

but I AM going! (not listening to those squeeky voices telling me not to.)
ginger_kitty
oh freckle, be strong, go and have fun. Good luck! smile.gif
freckleface2727
I went and it was good!

diverse group of 5 + the librarian and just -really- good!

can't wait for next month's meeting - hurrah! smile.gif

thanks for the support!

- did phone calls get made anyone? smile.gif
anna k
Congratulations freckleface! I like that it was a good vibe for you, just cool people talking.

When I get lonely, I trick myself into believing that I want a boyfriend to be comfy with, when I really just want girlfriends to see every day and chill with. I have one female friend who I see occasionally, but can't rely on. The med student I dated now has a girlfriend and is busy with his own friends, so I don't see him. I spend a lot of time on my own, running errands and doing stuff on the weekend, being in an audience and watching a movie, an improv show, or a dance performance, anything to lose myself in someone else.

It gets frustrating because I know all the good things about myself, yet I get tired of searching out for people or feeling like I'll never "stick" to anybody, that I can go in different groups but end up alone. I felt like a freak for not being as comfortable with intimacy as many others are, and felt jealous of others' sex lives when I felt like I was a disappointment to myself.
freckleface2727
oh anna sweetie,

you're Not a disappoinment to yourself if you are being true to yourself!
I should think it would be very much the other way around and hope you never find that out bc imo it's much worse a feeling.
when you meet the right guy, which at your age could be quite awhile from now ( meaning you are still young) you'll know the intimacy is right by not even being aware you're aware of it.
it'll happen, but never ever compromise or "settle" just bc you are frustrated.

patience grasshopper, patience.

(((((((((anna))))))))))
anna k
It's difficult when my friends aren't too reliable. One is busy wth her work and has her own friends. A guy I used to date has a girlfriend now and is busy with his friends. I keep busy by running errands, going to school, writing for some publications, plus going to movies, comedy shows, and dance performances on the weekends to lose myself in the audience and get into whatever's onstage. I feel depressed that my spring internship was cancelled and I've been scrambling to find another one short-term.

I feel old at my age, that I don't have much to say with my peers and that I always felt alone. I'm finishing school this semester while applying for publishing jobs, and I'm going to room with someone in Queens provided they accept me and I make enough to pay half the rent and utilities. I get jealous of my peers who see their friends all the time, live with friends, and don't have time to sit around and get lonely and depressed. I'm happy when I'm with friends (who seem more like acquantinces than people I really trust). I get annoyed and thinking that it's all my fault, that no matter how social I have been nobody sticks to me like a real friend, just someone to hang out once in a while but doesn't want to be true friends. It's as if I feel untouchable or something about me turns people off. I used to be mildly autistic as a kid (now it's called Asperger's Syndrome), and I made a lot of social mistakes and didn't know why people didn't like me. Now I've grown and learned and have adapted myself better to people, but still have been alone a lot.

My mind keeps flashing back to my old friendships with guys, and how I liked being friends with them so much more than when I dated and tried to be more sexual. I would regret it by being disappointed that I wasn't excited enough or was too bored and didn't like kissing or being touched a lot. I would let myself go to enjoy it, but since I wasn't into the guys enough it was boring for me. I miss my old friendships with guys, when I could just talk normally and have a great relationship.

I keep thinking of a time in my freshman year of college where my favorite teacher gathered the students to have tea at her house and hang out, and I ended up being more talkative and social, and got to talk more to boys who I liked. Later the teacher told me that one of the guys was surprised at how funny I was, and how people really liked me when I opened up more. That was a great moment, but it was four years ago, I never became friends with the guys, and they've graduated while I'm completing credits due to transferring. I read their Myspace blogs, and when they post something that I was interested in years ago (a novelty song, an obscure movie), it makes me want to slap my forehead, thinking, "I know all about that!" But I can't contact them (I contacted one guy a few years ago and never got an answer, so I can't talk to him or his friend), so I go out with new guys and try again. The guys I liked best I ended up having platonic friendships with, and it was disappointing that I couldn't combine excited sexual interest with a genuine relationship with the person, just friends while they dated someone else.

Martha Gellhorn's quote here sums up a lot of my thoughts:

QUOTE
"I started living outside the sexual conventions long before anyone did such dangerous stuff and I may say hell broke loose and everyone thought unbridled sexual passion was the excuse. Whereas I didn't like sex at all ... all my life idiotically, I thought sex seemed to matter so desperately to the man who wanted it that to withhold was like withholding bread, an act of selfishness ... what has always really absorbed me in life is what is happening outside. I accompanied men and was accompanied in action, in the extrovert part of life; I plunged into that; that was something altogether to be shared. But not sex; that seemed to be their delight and all I got was a pleasure of being wanted, I suppose, and the sort of tenderness (not nearly enough) that a man gives when he is satisfied. I daresay I was the worst bed partner in five continents."


Thanks for reading, guys. It feels good to have a forum when I feel like I can't talk to my female friends.
ginger_kitty
(((Anna))) I aways like reading your posts. They always seem so thoughtful, and I can indentify with most of the feelings you have.

Didn't get the lady's number at work, who I actually clicked with, and we have a lot of temps pass through. Well she hasn't been there and I think I missed my chance. sad.gif That's just my luck!

Glad the book club was awesome, freckle!!
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