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laurenann
the new friend i was freaking out over last weekend text messaged me three times yesterday with weekend plans - maybe she is one of us?!

this is one of those weird weekends where i have to choose what social event to go to. last night it was some bar downtown (one of the text messages) or going to see camera obscura in north hampton with a friend from albany. i chose the show. tonight it is seeing my boyfriend's coworkers band or going to a party in my neighborhood (another one of the text messages). i think i am gonna choose the party, but i want my boyfriend to come to and he is probably gonna go see the band. which stinks, because i a) like having him around for support and cool.gif get pissy when other girls are there with their boyfriends and ask me where mine is.

it was so nice seeing my old friend from college last night. she lives in albany now, which isn't that far from boston. i see her every couple months, but we should hang out more. she is one of two friends that i just really, really love.
freckleface2727
QUOTE(laurenann @ Jan 27 2007, 01:20 PM) *

the new friend i was freaking out over last weekend text messaged me three times yesterday with weekend plans - maybe she is one of us?!
this is one of those weird weekends where i have to choose what social event to go to. last night it was some bar downtown (one of the text messages) or going to see camera obscura in north hampton with a friend from albany. i chose the show. tonight it is seeing my boyfriend's coworkers band or going to a party in my neighborhood (another one of the text messages). i think i am gonna choose the party, but i want my boyfriend to come to and he is probably gonna go see the band. which stinks, because i a) like having him around for support and cool.gif get pissy when other girls are there with their boyfriends and ask me where mine is.

it was so nice seeing my old friend from college last night. she lives in albany now, which isn't that far from boston. i see her every couple months, but we should hang out more. she is one of two friends that i just really, really love.

lauren
it very much sounds like indeed she might could be One of Us - biggrin.gif !
wouldn't that be great?!

and isn't that just the way it goes? feast or famine all the way.
I hope you had a great weekend at everything you did.

frecklette & I had one of my g/f's & her uber wonderful kids over last night.
I cooked spaghettie and had bought all the fixings for ice cream sundae's and the kids were thinking Auntie was really super cool (hee) and we had a great time just chilling.

I had forgotten how great evenings like that could be and she said next time it was at her house.

<happy sigh of contentment>
anna k
Whenever I feel lonely or sad, I remember an email that a friend sent to me last year:

You're very good at hating everything about yourself and denigrating it. Ever tried to look at your so-called flaws as a positive? You have big breasts. Many girls pay $10,000 and have lots of pain to have the breasts you have. You're very pretty with a beautiful and regal profile, a great body, a shyness, and an intriguing intellectual look to back it up. As the fashionistas and gayboys say, work it bitch!

So find yours (and btw, do you KNOW how many men dream of the voluptuous librarian look? The sexy intellectual girl? But most of all the confident girl who doesn't need them will make them whimper and wonder how to get you to need them) and it will work for you and the boys will be coming to you. Then you'll get to decide if you actually give a shit anymore. I've figured that I don't.


It helps me a lot when I'm feeling low or lonely or weird or feeling like I will never be anyone's girlfriend or be 100% comfortable with affection. I would feel like I am great and perfect and don't need to change much, then I get insecure feeling like nobody would ever want me. But her words make me feel confident and happy and lifted.
anna k
I just got back from seeing a Guns 'n Roses tribute band called Appetite for Destruction at B.B King's Blues Club. It was a lot of fun. The guys rocked, my throat got dry from singing along, and I felt excited and happy, pumping my arm in the air before I knew it to Welcome to The Jungle and Sweet Child Of Mine. I also loved watching a couple kiss way in front of me, it was so sweet and cute how into it they were. I wanna make out with a boy in the pit during a Guns n' Roses song. smile.gif
girltrouble
mmm. that does sound sweet. i was looking in the paper and nico case is coming to town and another band i'd love to see. usually i hate going to shows, but i was trying to think of someone to go with.... and if i really want to go...:/

i hate those weekends where i have to choose between social events-- like this one. usually i choose to flake on all of them. i am really such a homebody. tonight i am supposed to go to 2 b-day parties, an art opening and go hangout with my ex. i already flaked out on dim sum this morning and it's just across the street. really i just want to hang out with my ex cos she's affectionate but doesn't require anything of me, where as all the other things i am hanging out with my friend t, who i love, but needs to be entertained. --most times i don't feel that social, or entertaining. i'm always suprized when i am the life of the party (maybe once or twice a year) because i have to get dragged to the event kicking and screaming.

and i HATE having weekends off, because there is that expectation that you are doing something fun or important. i think i was most happy when i was dating k. she was super social, and would go out on fridays while i would spend the night painting. she would come home and tell me about all the crazy stuff she and her friends did, and it would make me feel like going out on saturday. but we never had to babysit each other. we could talk to different people on the other side of the room, i could leave early to paint, or whatever. it was like she balanced me out. i never felt any guilt about being anti-social. now i do. ugh. i just want to watch a movie, or paint or train my ex's dog.
freckleface2727
good day today.

I spent the morning at frecklette's school and ran into another mom I have known for several years now, but never had the chance to get to know better tho I always had the feeling we'd hit it off. ( I am always such the outcast mom in a sea of eddie bauers snoots i e - other moms).

she & I ended up spending the afternoon lunching & shopping & were almost late to get our kids.

it was really good, really Fun, and her girl & mine have always gotten along so yah for future plans for all of us, bc it's really hard to find the right cool kid/cool parent ratio.

however, I am now completely drained and don't so much as even want to answer the phone bc my brain is buzzing.
I whine bc I don't have many friends here, but then I remember how much work is involved in being "normal."
tomorrow I am staying home & in and working on my house, redecorating w/ things I already have. ~spring is about to arrive in my living room w/ vintage floral pictures everywhere!!


gt, what did you end up doing over the weekend?
I was hoping you'd go renegade and train the dog.
anna k
That's really awesome to hear, freckleface. It's so freeing and relaxing to have a great afternoon with a girlfriend.
girltrouble
i ended up flaking on everybody and hanging with my ex and her AWESOME mastiff puppy, bella beretta! and oooch is she a sweetie. we all watched a great movie called 9 souls. it was very nice. although i heard that the art opening was crazy, i didn't really miss it. my ex is/was a domme type so she is training bella with words like "behave","manners" instead of bad. and since mastiffs are known for their drool (and it's something else) i am teaching her to wipe her mouth on some monogrammed drool towels with the word "dab". it's a riot.
laurenann
sounds like you all had okay weekends, which is nice to hear!

i went to a college-reunion, bachelor/ette party, ski trip thing this past weekend. my best friend and her fiance invited everyone out to his parents house in park city, utah. it was very VERY fun but the socialization was a little intense. there we people i haven't talked to in a few years there.

i got home late monday and went to work yesterday. today is a snow day which is awesome.
anna k
I went to a comedy show last night where people read embarassing stuff they wrote in their teens (diary entries, songs, love letters, etc.). Some of the comedians were funny and creative (one asked online sex chatters questions from a psychological profile to gauge their reaction), but others got on my nerves with their smug, wink-wink, hipster self-awareness and their friends laughing like hyenas at every 'kitsch" or "cheesy" thing that they mentioned (like listening to hair-metal ballads as a teen). Their friends would cheer really loudly when their names were mentioned, like a high school pep rally. Three were wearing black narrow glasses, two had their bangs artfully done, and a couple wore thrift-shop style dresses with funky boots. Their voices grated as did their in-on-the-joke hipster awareness, and I really hated it and thought they sounded like jackasses in their teens and still today.

Some of that would make feel glad to be different or not like that, but still wanting to assimilate and be more accepted into a group. I also saw couples where the guy had his arm around the girl, and even though I don't like that touch myself, it still made me feel a bit lonely. But not enough to find another single in a bar and have sex, I'm not that hormonally-driven.
anna k
I saw a new singer named Alice Smith last night in Brooklyn. She was fantastic. She has a deep, low voice and wails at a high octave range. Think PJ Harvey or Nina Simone. She comes off as so creative and cool and unique. I hope 2007 will be her year.

I'm posting this here cuz I love posting with you guys and I didn't want to re-start the Live Music thread.

I'm feeling foxier and happier lately. I got an internship after weeks of scrounging for one, and I'll be able to graduate from college this semester if I pass all of my classes. I got a letter of mine published in the NY Press, that was cool to see.
girltrouble
hurray, hurray for anna k! congrats on the internship. wink.gif
anna k
I'm jealous of kids who have a lot of friends and live these cool collaborative lives where they support each other as artists and performers. I always felt lonely, having to do a lot of things on my own and not having any close artsy friends. I like writing, but it's more of a solo activity and can't be posted on Youtube. I've hung out with other writers, but it doesn't feel communicative or cool. Sometimes I write to someone and say how much I liked their stuff, but they aren't my close friends to see all the time. I've been proud to intern at major publications and be nationally published, that's cool. I just wish I was more youth-orientated and hipper and cooler like other kids, I feel like I'm old-fashioned or not eccentric in a fashionable way.

I saw that my old crush's video on Youtube was featured, so he's getting tons of attention today, lots of comments and posts. It's a temporary thing, but I'm both happy for him (it's a funny video) and jealous of the praise, even though I know it's just random Internet posters. He and his friends are in this art collective, are mini-celebrities and support each other, I'm jealous of that, I want that kind of "we rock!" community. I don't know what I ever did, but I always felt alone, no matter how social I've tried to be. I've grown out of being shy, I've hung out with various types of people, and am knowledgeable about cultural history and stuff like that.
ginger_kitty
I made such an effort last year to reach out and make new friends. All I ended up with was a few more casual acquaintences. So for now, I give up. I am just going to keep doing things I enjoy and live life...maybe we aren't all meant to be surrounded by loved ones. I have my hubby, my dogs, my wierd and not so close family....good enough.

Oh, anna, I know what you mean about hanging out with other writers. I write, too, though I haven't tried to get published yet. But I have tried to hang out with other writers, and I was just never thrilled with it. I am kind of a private writer and like to keep my work to myself, and others I have met have been so open with there projects. It always felt awkward to me personally. In my mind I was thinking I don't want to share my novel with you....and other times I was thinking, wow your novel blows or hmmmm, what a great story I am bit jealous. Anyways, I think it is different for artists and musicians. Writers are almost a different breed of person.
dirtyfrenchnovel
Anna-- I totally know what you mean. I'm an art student(photography) and so often i'm surrounded by these kids who not only are awesome visual artists, but they can collaborate together and are involved in group projects and bands and all kinds of stuff. I think it's awesome but I've never been able to be a collaborator. Maybe because I feel like my work is either not good enough or just doesn't "fit in". At any rate, yes, i feel old fashioned, frumpy and eccentric but not in the cool way. But then I kinda get pissed off at people who are that "look at me i'm so quirky" kind of cool. like ironic or weird just for the sake of it. but maybe i'm just jealous.
QUOTE(anna k @ Mar 1 2007, 04:24 PM) *

I'm jealous of kids who have a lot of friends and live these cool collaborative lives where they support each other as artists and performers. I always felt lonely, having to do a lot of things on my own and not having any close artsy friends. I like writing, but it's more of a solo activity and can't be posted on Youtube. I've hung out with other writers, but it doesn't feel communicative or cool. Sometimes I write to someone and say how much I liked their stuff, but they aren't my close friends to see all the time. I've been proud to intern at major publications and be nationally published, that's cool. I just wish I was more youth-orientated and hipper and cooler like other kids, I feel like I'm old-fashioned or not eccentric in a fashionable way.


culturehandy
I felt the same way when I was in University and I was surrounded by Masters students (yes, I was taking masters levels classes, but no degree....grrrrr), who used big words like paradigm, and juxtaposed. I felt less than brilliant.
anna k
I made an appointment to meet with a counselor this week. My head hurts and I feel depressed and low. Exercising helps, as the endorphins make my body feel stronger and I concentrate on moving and listening to music and creating sweat. I just wish I could be like other kids and live with a community of like-minded individuals. But that didn't happen, so I'm on my own and have to push my life forward.

This week will be busy. Work and school, plus economic tutoring and counseling appointment.
starshine
QUOTE(culturehandy @ Mar 2 2007, 12:29 PM) *

I felt the same way when I was in University and I was surrounded by Masters students (yes, I was taking masters levels classes, but no degree....grrrrr), who used big words like paradigm, and juxtaposed. I felt less than brilliant.



As did they....no, seriously, every grad student I've met, including myself, is just waiting to be found out...ie. that they're not smart enough to be in school. A counsellor at my uni told me this, and I figured she was a pretty good source as she counsels a lot of grad students, plus she was one at one time. I've since met many other grad students who feel the same way. My counsellor also included professors in that statement, which I found quite interesting, adn made me feel a helk of a lot better!
i-am-jan
anna k:

I really hope your counseling helps. I wonder if because it's cold & gray outside a lot right now you feel a little worse than usual.

I know that with the absence of sunshine and getting outside, I am feeling worse than usual. Don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. When I'm around other people, I just want to get away and not be involved at all. But then I get depressed when I feel lonely. It's such a double-edged sword.

Usually, I am at least able to *force* myself to socialize from time to time, even though it feels super uncomfortable. But when I'm depressed I cannot fight or overcome it at all. Winter has been difficult for me this year.
anna k
A friend yesterday told me that I let loneliness lead my life, and it pissed me off. I've tried a lot to be social, to adapt to other people' personalities, recognize social cues, and be more normal, but I've just always ended up alone. But it hasn't been a conscious choice, it's just the way it's been. I want to have lots of girly friends and go on trips or throw themed parties or go out to clubs, but I don't have a bunch of friends I can pull together, and it can make me feel empty. Sometimes I hang out with some girls and go to dinner or a club, but I'm not close with them and can't rely on them for everyday chat.
girltrouble
i'm with starshine. i was intimidated by a girl i was dating's friends. they were profs, and my gf was in graduate school. but we talked about it and she said what starshine said and went further. she knew all these profs, and she would just rip on them, talking about how they got x theory wrong, how they are super insecure, how they can't grasp certain simple concepts, horrible teachers and talking about how they hide behind all these big words. it was kind of funny because i always liked reading gender and film theory books for fun and i'm a word nerd, and she grabbed some of the things her prof friends wrote, and had me read it and.....i knew all these words. that was the first shock since i loathe school and after one year i gave school the finger. the second shock was that she took a couple of random sentances and translated them-- taking all the big words out and saying it in plain language. i realized they weren't all that smart at all. they just built this way of seeming more intellegent. it's like saying something is a 'phallus' instead of a dick. same meaning, but if you've never heard the word, you think they're speaking a different language, but they aren't. they are simply putting up a snobby, snotty barrier to keep people out and elevate themselves. it was the only real time i've been intimidated, and that was the last time too.

as for writing/ doing art with others. i've never been too much of a collab person, but i've never thought i should want to. i have one friend who's a graphic designer, and in summer we draw together, drink wine and talk, but it's more so we both get work done and less because there is any sort of artistic fun to be had. if anything we talk about things that have inspire us and then do our creative work separately. we're good friends, but it is an odd friendship. but that's who we are. *shrugs*
ginger_kitty
anna, I tend to get a case of the winter blues, myself. Usually in the fall to January though, around this time of year I start to get excited about spring being on the way.

I have a b-day party for a dear buddy of mine coming up and I am dreading it a bit.(Well a lot) She is having it at a karaoke bar, definately not my kind of place. She is really excited and seems to be under the impression that if I get drunk enough I get up and sing. I don't want to let her down, she is one of my only tight friends, but I so don't want to go.
LoveMyPugs
I always feel like no one and I mean NO ONE gets me. I’m weird. I can’t help it. I have nothing in common with any of my friends (even Mr. Pug for the most part). Sometimes I wonder what exactly he loves about me. I’m a big old mess. I buy and use expensive shampoos and conditioners and yet I don’t do anything with my hair but pull it back with a scrunchie. My female friends think this is ridiculous. I have no fashion sense. I wear comfy clothes, usually t-shirts and jeans. I detest skirts, heals and pantyhose. I wear comfy shoes, usually sketchers or new balance. I love purses, especially my Doony & Bourke. I love facial products; masks, moisturizers, exfoliants and I spend some money on these. I love Jennifer Lopez’s Still perfume. I would bathe in it if I could. I love lotions in general but my favorite is the Body Shop’s body butter. I love painting my nails because it relaxes me and they can be black one day then pink the next. I love manicures, pedicures and massages. I loathe shopping unless it’s for food or house stuff. I enjoy cleaning (dusting most) on Saturdays with my music blaring. I love all different kinds of music like Pink Floyd, Slipknot, Pantera, Metallica, Stone Sour, Staind, ICP, ABK, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Twiztid, Ciara, and Keith Sweat. I rarely listen to anything other then 93.3 WMMR Philadelphia in my car. I love all the DJ’s and prefer them to a CD or my iPod. I stutter so whenever I try to talk I have to shift my words around in my head to avoid hitting a block so most of the time what I want to say and what I actually say are very off. I know my friends and family LOVE me but I don’t think a lot of them really get me. A lot of my friends and family just shake their heads at me and laugh because they think I’m crazy. I’m very opinionated and will debate to the end. I love talking about sex. Sex always comes up in conversation when I’m around. I think a lot of people think this is all I ever think about and they might be right. I’m fat and love being fat. I think I’m beautiful and I think all people are beautiful not matter what they look like. I hate snide people and feel an urge to beat the piss out of them when they are around me. What else hmmmm….. I’m obsessed with Microsoft Excel and put my grocery list in a spreadsheet and sort it by aisle. I love school and like teachers who TEACH and assign homework and make me work for my A’s. I love to work, hard. I want to feel like I earned my money. I love tattoos and piercings although I only have one of each. I MEAN I FEEL LIKE I JUST DON’T FIT IN ANYWHERE AND I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! I’m just me and proud of it. Busties accept me for who I am and I can be myself here on this site in these threads. I can be myself in my home with my man. I can be myself with my friends although I think I scare them sometimes. Oh, well everyone needs a little wake up sometimes right? I’m happy! That’s all that matters in life right? Being happy and making the most of all of this shit!!!
anna k
Great post, LoveMyPugs!

I've often felt weird, and I wanted to be the "cool" weird, like kids who are actors or visual artists or performers and have been seen as eccentric and wild and cool. I was socially inept a lot and would make mistakes, though I've improved more in the past few years. I like soft-rock ballads and have a mixtape full of them because they make me happy. I like lipsynching to Meatloaf and Michael Bolton songs in my room. I don't like dressing up or making my clothes look like a "vintage" costume, I just like comfortable pants, nice t-shirts, and a nice necklace to adorn the shirt. I grew up being both into dance-pop/R&B and punk rock and grunge. I like vaccuming up dust bunnies and feeling satisfied that it's clean and clear. I hold a pencil in a grip-like manner that is very comfortable to me but looks unusual. I like to practice ballet and feel good when I learn new moves and my legs feel more limber. I keep scrapbooks of articles and pictures that I save and am inspired by. I kept singing "Ooh Las Vegas" to myself this morning after hearing it on my mix CD "To a Rockstar Dying Young." I like to think in Spanish or French sometimes, though not fluently. I picked my online name after Colette's heroine Claudine. As a kid I hated being touched and would squirm away if someone kissed me or hugged me. I'd let myself be carried if I was too tired to fight it (like falling asleep in front of the TV and feeling my mom lift me up to my room, me feeling as if I were floating). I developed big breasts at 12 and felt like a freak about it, and gained weight as a teen because I ate too much thick Italian food and liked peanut-butter bagel sandwiches. Now I'm slimmer but I still have the tits, and I like my body a lot more now. I wish I hadn't been such an unattractive repressed geek in my teens while my peers were dating and partying, but I made up for it by moving to NYC three years ago, dated around, and became more independent, albeit not being able to keep up with friends. As a kid I had crushes on cartoon characters, I got turned on by Elias Koteas in Ninja Turtles at 7, and accidentally killed my pet hamster when I tried to make it eat a seed. I know my family loves me and I've had some great friends throughout my life, who I'm not in contact with anymore due to different life paths.

I will always be a nerd. It's a mental thing, but I never felt cool or outgoing or assimilated. I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't been able to really been in a group or have a bunch of supportive friends, just drifting around places.
crazyoldcatlady
star, i remember rifling through a book while still in school about the psychological issues female doctors dealt with compared with their male counterparts.

the basic theme was that femal docs, no matter how accomplished, always had an underlying wave of "i'm going to be found out [that i'm not good enough/smart enough/don't deserve to be here/here by pure luck]."

always struck me as interesting because i could totally relate, but i always wondered if the majority of female docs felt that way.
anna k
Today at work was really good. In the morning, one of my coworkers was playing an online radio show that played a long program of cover tunes, and I had fun identifying stuff, and the other workers were surprised at how well I knew the music. Like identifiying The Slits doing I Heard It Through the Grapevine or Travis doing Hit Me Baby One More Time. Somehow they were amazed by my simple knowledge, but I felt so cool, like they were including me and really recognized me.

Their camaradie and surprise at my knowledge reminded me of way back in 2002, when my English teacher gathered me and my peers at her house for tea, and I ended up being more talkative and getting along better with people I had been intimidated by, The teacher had told me how one of the guys (who I had liked) was surprised that I liked the WWF when I was a kid, and how they all would like me more if I opened up. I didn't get to become close friends with those people, but it was a great moment, and I was reminded of that today, like I got my chance to redeem myself without knowing it.
lunia666
I have a hard time finding people I have alot in common with and when I do. I find it hard to move from person or just met to friend zone.
i_am_jan
lunia: I hear ya. I am that way. And many times, I end up somehow making people I've met uncomfortable I think - it's like, they feel I should loosen up at some point and stop being so polite and nice...and at some point, just begin saying whatever comes into my head. But I'm not like that, can't ever seem to pull that off.

You're not alone. (not that it makes things any easier-?)
laurenann
i've been mia from the bust boards. i'm not sure why, it just kinda fell out of my internet lineup for a few weeks. read through the first page of posts and i miss the conversation in here.

pugs, i stutter too, and it sure is hard to switch around your words when you already have such a hard time thinking up good things to say.

anna, that reminds me of the last time i played trivial pursuit, and everyone loved that i got all of the questions about history and science right. it's because i teach 4th grade.

<3 the inept busties!!
ginger_kitty
Sometimes I bitch and moan about not having anyone to hang out with, then when someone invites me out I am not happy, either. The B-day get together is tonight for my friend and I am not any more psyched than my last post about it. It's at a dueling piano karaoke bar sad.gif . And they want to meet up late so we can stay out later....I am probably the least excited I have ever been about hanging out with someone right now. I'd really rather just go to a local punk show I saw a flyer for, with my hubby and head home whenever we wanted.

Friends make my life so complicated. Last weekend was great, Mr. g. kitty and I hung out in a bookstore for a few hours, went to see and movie and just chilled at home doing our own thing. I have just lost all interest in going to bars and drinking till the bar closes and that sort of thing. And I hate binge drinking. Personally, I have more fun when I just have a few drinks and great conversations with people. But it's been a long time since that's happened. I always have troubles planning get togethers, I get nervous thinking about calling casual acquaintances up and asking them to hang out, so I usually just don't. Then end up not getting close to anyone, which leads me to feel even more uncomfortable if I do decide to ask somebody to do something. Because I feel like I probably waited to long to call.....which often leads to me just not keeping in touch with people...I am the definition of socially inept....
lunia666
..... conituned
I also feel like people today are not open to new friendships. We live such solitaireie ( not sure about spelling) lives. I think want makes it diffcult for me is I am not into anything really group actives. I don't watch sports, play sports, paint,knit,sew,or make scrapbooks. I don't really enjoy drinking are going to party's are working out.I fell it makes it much hard to meet people. As anybody heard of meetup.com ?
freckleface2727
I have a saturday night totally Free.

no mr.
no child.
and I am opting to stay home and Alone, bc even the thought of inviting someone over to hang and watch a movie seems like too much work right now.
I'd rather chill out w/ my dog and my injured kitty (doing better sinse she got the cast off yesterday!) than make the effort to be sociable.

and I wonder why my phone seldom rings? huh.gif

meetup.
yah, I've been to the site a few times and it looks like it has possiblities, if you can find anything interest-wise that you are compatible with. I haven't had any luck, but I live in suck-ville so it's no suprise. there were cooler groups that met about an hour from me, but I despise driving ahd traffic and so there ya go.


ginger-
how was the kareoke piano party? I gotta say, the "dueling" part did make me cringe in sympathy for you!

I miss the automatic sociality that being married affords when the mr is away... what a thought that I would equate him being home to me being social?
gumby_cc
Freckle, I'm glad your kitty is better with the cast off! I was reading about it in the kitty thread, it must have been so scary before you took her to the vet, not knowing what was wrong with her! But I digress.

Last night my boyfriend and I went to a party. We only knew about 6 people there, and it was packed, there were probably about 50 total. After my boyfriend and I talked with everyone we knew, they branched off to people they knew but we didn't, and they had conversations we couldn't really be involved with...like shows we haven't seen, people we've never heard of, etc. So the boy and I just standed together in the hallway, alone, looking like two sad sacks. We were like that for half an hour. In fact, the only person that said more than two words to me who was this asshole who (20 minutes before) threatened a friend of ours to a fight.

So I don't know if I give off this dont-talk-to-me vibe (although I made a conscious effort to not look pissed), or if the people at the party were too cool to talk to me, or whatever. The worst part was it was going away party for a close friend of ours and she couldn't keep it together at all, she was so sad. And we felt like we couldn't leave early.
anna k
I've done some meetup.com groups, and they never felt very successful. The groups were made up of socially awkward adult nerds sitting around, and it felt uncomfortable for me, reminding me of junior high.
ginger_kitty
Yeah, I have gone to similar meetups, and had the same kind of uneventful encounter. We were all to socially awkward to hit it off. I ended up with a more distant acquaintences.

The dueling piano bar was dreadful and lame. You could tell it was had it regulars who adore the place, one lady was dancing on tables and climbing up the pianos. The guys playing were very lude, and bored me to death with thier mediocre skills. But I have nasty cold, and was coughing a lot, so I used that as an excuse to bail early. Glad I went though, my friend was alone with just one other girl(who seemed really cool, and I am hoping we can all hang out with again sometime.) Because everybody else, either came really late, or stood her up. She was bummed, and telling me she felt bad/embarrassed b/c she didn't have tons of friends. I was just like, 'Please, niether do I, it's no big deal'. She is the sweetest girl I have ever met, but somehow as inept at making friends as I am.

freckle, glad your kitty is doing better.

gumby, you just described what usually happens when the Mr. and I end up going to a party.
i_am_jan
gingerkitty:

I was reading your post before last. My social personality is identical to yours. It's hard for me to figure out whether I've basically chosen loneliness - or whether I just am no good at/afraid of friendship. They both make me uncomfortable...(loneliness and potential friendship)...?

The funny thing is I have 5 brothers and sisters, they all hang out together all the time (of course, they all have kids and I don't, too), but I never hang out with them socially/as 'friends' either.

freckleface2727
jan,
I have an older sister and we are not close at all.
for years I really made the effort to get to know her and connect with her, biting my toung when she'd say inflamatory things to/about me/us. (she is extremely anti-military and my mr is career Army).after all the years of that tho, I realised *I* was the only one it seemed to matter to and who was trying, even tho I am the one who lives farthest away.
finally a few months ago I said 'screw it' and wrote , literally, her off and I feel uber so much better for having done so.
just bc you are Blood doesn't mean you have to absolutely be friends too. I love her, but I don't like her, mostly bc she can't or won't see me for much beyond the life I have chosen to lead.
her loss.
I'm pretty damn cool! biggrin.gif

I made a sort of new connection w/ another wife the other night.
they just installed a pool and said they were going to have a party once it is all set up and fenced, and then also said we'd have to go to lunch. I told her that'd be great, bc I still didn't know really anyone and don't feel I fit in much, bc I am such a total DORK (yes I actually said that) and she laughed and said ' if you are, then I'm Really in trouble!' and so she's supposed to call...

and yah, seriously, some of us complain about being lonley, but how often do we actually Choose that over insincerity and mental draining/duress? I know I do.
coela

I come from a socially inept country (Sweden) and I grew up in a particularly dorky family, to boot.
Both my parents love their work and don't get the point of having coffee & just talking, or dressing
anything like "normal". They say the weirdest things in everyday conversations, lose interest in about
60 seconds, and zone out or just leave.

I suspect my father has Asperger's, but he's a man of 64 and has never been diagnosed, and I doubt
he ever will. He collects things. He writes long lists. His bedroom and his office are very, very dusty.
He has stuffed birds and ferets in his office. He has travelled all over the world just to watch birds.
He's very sensitive to criticism but is very blunt to other people, etc etc.

Although I consider myself rather reserved and do like my own company, I think my brother and I
are actually the social ones in the family. For someone who never really got any training
in the art of socializing or even caring much about what other people do, think or feel, I'm doing splendid.
For someone from the outside, I probably seem shy, weird or whatever. That's alright.
I'm not going to make a list of my dorky/nerdy traits or oddities, but safe to say, there are a few.

I love a good conversation, but there is usually so much BS you have to filter to get to the core -
chit-chat, repetition, whining, the me-me-meeee rants, the boring "today at work.." stories etc etc.
And sometimes when the other person(-s) is all serious and want to talk about the mysteries of their soul,
the meaning of life and all that, I just want to get wasted and dance all night to stupid Euro disco.

Basically, it's seldom worth the effort. I do go out, I do see my friends, but sometimes when I come
home I just feel that insted of spending the money on beer, I could have bought a skirt or something.
Or I can sit in a bar with my friends and long for a movie & snacks, or just to be gaming away 4 hours.
Sometimes I feel I'm suppressing my inner dork just to spite my über dorky parents... I can get a
stupid, childish kick out of using lots of make up just because my mum thinks it's pointless, or by
never ever wearing sensible clothes. But that doesn't conceal the fact that I'm still a nerd.

aliboo
LoveMyPugs...what you said sort of reminds me of myself...in that I really don't care pretty much if I fit in or if people want to be social with me.

I just feel like.. I do me...and if you can't hang with that maybe I don't want to get to know you anyways.

Maybe it is a shitty viewpoint to have, but if I am comfortable that way, is that so wrong?

I seriously feel that adding people to my life tends to make it more complicated. I could literally go for weeks not talking to the close friends that I do have and am not really bothered by it while they seem to thrive on social interaction with me...ha, imagine that.

But at the same time, I do feel lonely from time to time. I don't necessarily want to be a hermit or anything but like I said, I really hate the whole process of doing the whole "do you like me, let's be friends" dance.

Lunia...I totally understand what you are saying about it seems that people these days are not open to new friendships. And when they are, it just seems awkard. I don't know but I see so many people who are like ooo we can be friends and talk, but let's do it over MySpace or Facebook. I mean these are folks who could meet up in everyday real life and they still prefer to do it over the internet.

It baffles me...I know I am rambling...but I wonder if people are getting to the point where they don't even know how to interact with one another on a face to face basis...everybody is just so comfortable doing it over email, the internet, or text messaging, cell phones.

I totally prefer my little bubble half the time over the mental exhaustions it entails to communicate with people these days. I never used to be like this, but the more I get exposed to people the more I just want to rip my hair out. I am left wondering if it is truly me or if it is them.

anna k
I felt old when I related to a quote by Jacqueline Bisset saying that she cannot stand it when women talk loudly and rudely, or continuely say "like" or the f-word. I feel the same way.

A couple of days ago, a former high school classmate recognized me in NYC. We talked for a bit, and it felt so nice that she recognized me and wanted to talk, and even mentioned that I looked good. That was a nice ego boost for the afternoon.

QUOTE
like I said, I really hate the whole process of doing the whole "do you like me, let's be friends" dance.


Me too. I want to be a social butterfly, but I don't want to hang onto anybody. I enjoy meeting people at work and practicing my social skills and being appreciated, like trying to be more normal. I liked it when they were into my random music knowledge, I felt special and validated by them.

A couple of days ago my brother called me up, and we had a chill dinner at the Golden Nugget, eating jerk chicken and rice and yakking about random stuff. It was unexpected and nice.
i_am_jan
freckleface: I really appreciated that stuff you related about your sister. It's the same as me and a couple of my siblings...me actually trying, because they are blood and I consider that different than potential friends...but them clearly not caring or trying. Your post helped me realize that I can simply decide that - okay - this is not ever going to happen. I just think it would make me feel better to not have the expectation that we're ever going to be close.

This board helps me, just knowing that it's not ALL ME, that not everyone chooses the complications and disappointments that come along with certain types of relationships.

Peace out everyone~

freckleface2727
jan, it is a powerful realisation to all of a sudden know that No, I Don't have keep beating myself senseless in a futile attempt at connection Just Because We Are Related.
I mean, to some it might be super obvious, but when your heart is involved, it's never that simple.
Letting Go is incredibly liberating, bc I know personally I was carrying a lot of guilt for feeling like a failure at not being able to make it work the way some people are just naturally so close w/ their siblings.
and my sister, in her defense, did respond to my email. I think she was pretty blindsided by all that I had to say bc in email form she was forced to really hear my words, and she wrote back, but it only made it worse even though I appreciated her effort and the thought.
now my mom passes bits of news to me about her, and I send her kids email b-day cards & notes now and then, and her a generic e-card for her birthday as well, and that's enough for me, at least for now.
she knows I love her, that's what matters most.

my brother is bi polar and unstable (abusive to me as kids) and it's taken me years more of coming to terms with a non-relationship with him too. it's just not something he is capable of long-term with anyone, not just me. so I take whatever he can give when I am back there; he's really got the most AMAZING mind and I think he fostered a love of art that has grown crazi in me and we talk about that every few years, but really, no contact with him either.

losing my sister was the blow that made me feel like an sibling orphan, even if it was my choice. it was that I determined to see it as the gain that it was, a conscious Choice to not be hurt anymore, that turned it around.

= and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make such a soap box out of that! clearly it's a touchy place for me, but I'm glad and hope you find a place of peace w/ your family in a similar way. ((((((jan))))) =


anna, sweet anna, the only person who needs to validate you is YOU sweetie.
you are wonderful and smart and have sooooo much to offer Just the Way You Already Are.
isn't it funny that so often we are the Last ones to ever know that about ourselves? (keeps us from getting fat-heads I suppose! tongue.gif )


I really think that when a relation/friend ship fits, you pretty much know it right away.
you click, you know? and I admit to being so often an allll or nothing kind of person.
I'm a little different.
my politics (for our environment)
my religion
my parenting too, and if I (hyper) sense that someone is going to react negatively to it, I scat or at least mentally retreat pronto and then come across as icy or snobbish. (that always cracks me up but yet have heard it enough to recognize there's got to be some truth in it by now.)

I think I just want it to be easy, the way the best things in my life have generaly been.
but then,some of those people also turned out to be total nut cases too, so how much good for me truth is really in that?

= shutting up now and digging my way out of my own brain.=

anna k
I know it should be enough for me to validate myself, but it means a lot to me when other people notice me without me trying.

I went to a party tonight for my PR work, it was a lot of fun and I made more of an effort to be social and a mingler rather than a wallflower. It was hard at times when I didn't want to talk to the same people and wanting to talk to new people, but with music blasting and lots of strangers, it's difficult. I tried by complimenting women on their outfits and introducing myself and getting to know them briefly, and that was a nice icebreaker. I was caught by both a waiter and a cameraman grooving to the music (nobody danced so I just moved my head a little to the music when I wasn't talking with anyone), and the waiters were a little flirty and cute with me.
i_am_jan
freckle:

It's so good when someone else has been through a *very* similar situation and thought it through and can then help others with their wisdom. Your words have helped me to put the family situation in perspective in my head...so much so that I had very vivid dreams all night last night about my 2 sisters, having gone to bed thinking about all of this rolleyes.gif

anna: Wow, you almost sound like "your average party-goer" wink.gif (wink, nudge!!)

Okay well off to begin a whole 'nother weekend with no plans except me, cat, book, and NPR (Secretly glad it's still cold & rainy outside so I can 'cocoon' inside for a little while longer.) Peace out everyone~
coela
Social ineptness of the day:

A friend of mine who lives in another city is coming to visit for just two days,
and to have the time to meet more of his friends, he's having late sushi lunch with five of them
at a place downtown in about.. ten minutes. It's been a recurring event for some time,
and I've canceled or "had previous plans" every time. I love my friend, but I hate his other friends.
Or I don't really hate them, I just have nothing in common with them. Besides, sushi lunch with
six people isn't really my idea of hanging out, I'm more of a coffee with one or two friends kind of person.

I should be able to just endure it for an hour, but I don't see the point. I'm not the same person
when I'm not comfortable, and these people are just.. walking cliches. They only care about the same
Finnish design and the same stupid fads and gadgets. I don't think they like me either, although they always smile
politely (and politely ignore me). Pity though, I would really like to see my friend. It baffles me that he keeps
insisting on meeting like this, because he's really not a social person himself, he always seems nervous and
tense during these 6-people dates. Maybe he feels that they will be hurt if he don't call them.

Social ineptness (or more general anxiety) of tonight:

Another friend of mine is planning that we go to Copenhagen tonight to this Japanese avantgarde musician's party,
and that would be great, but I have this fear that if I go there I'll suddenly end up alone on an unfamiliar street,
not find my way to the station (yes, you can travel by train between Sweden & Denmark) and that it will just be
uncomfortable and anxious for me. I have some issues with travelling, especially sleeping over or not knowing
where or when I'm going to spend the night. I like to sleep in my own bed, I'm not big on sleeping on stranger's
couches or floors and going home at 6am with a massive hangover.

I've told my friend about the anxiety thing I have, and she understands and said that it wouldn't be like that,
but you never know. When people are drunk and enthusiastic about afterparties in the other end of town, it's not like
I can say "but you promised you'd follow me home at 2am!".

Desicions, desicions..
i_am_jan
coela:

just feelin' ya, that's all...good luck whatever you do (or don't do)~
ginger_kitty
Another weekend without socializing. Mr. G. kitty and myself went out for a nice steak dinner on Friday night, rented a couple movies and just hung out at home. Sunday we took advantage of the great weather to walk the dogs and get some yard work done.

When I was younger this all would have bored me and I would have been ashamed to admit that was all I did. But I was really content, it was a great weekend.
i_am_jan
G. Kit: That sounds like a *really nice* weekend!!

(Isn't it nice when you don't have a bunch o plans and your weekend goes niiiiiiiice and sloooooow!! Which is the pace I *like* on a weekend rolleyes.gif )
lunia666
Ready Set Go............

Kind of a busy people filled weekend . First me bf are having dinner/hanging out with a friend of his. Friday where also hanging out with a friend of his ( girl he went to high school with). Then Saturday we have a small party to go to ( once again his friends...work friends this time). Even tho the idea of siting at home and flipping thru the TV all weekend seems boring as hell to me am just not looking forward to this weekend.
i_am_jan
Lunia: Good luck to you. If it were me I know it would be difficult but since it is *his* friends, just remember that you CAN just sit quietly and let those 2 do most of the socializing if you want. I know that as a quiet, shy person, I have been known to try and overcompensate for those personality traits by talking *A LOT* and it ended up just sounding like a fake version of me. Just remember that it's totally okay to just listen a lot and maybe smile a little to let folks know you're not trying to be unfriendly and hopefully they'll get that you simply are quiet and aren't one to talk about yourself much.
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