Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Do you ever just feel like a big, old, socially inept dork?
The BUST Lounge > Forums > Friends and Family
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
anna k
Tomorrow night I'm going to a writer's meetup. I haven't been to one in so long, save for a literary reading at a bar two weeks ago. I haven't written anything creative recently, just reviews. I'm going to interview an artist for Venuszine.com soon, I'm looking forward to researching her, as I haven't interviewed anyone since 2006.

I feel for frecklette too. It is so easy to be isolated and lost in your own world and habits, and it still takes energy and guts for me to be more proactive and social. I spent much of my teen years reading books and watching old movies, and having little friends due to shyness. I did go to prom twice and to some birthday parties, but was on my own a lot.
i_am_jan
Oh, oh, oh! Anna: if you're trying to write...or become more creative...you must read "What It Is" by Lynda Barry, if you haven't already. It could take a person from zero to prolific in like ten pages or less. (Of course, I took her two-day class which accompanies the book,) but just the book alone is enough to get you going...each night I read from that book I had very vivid dreams which I remembered, and up to the point I started reading it, I had not been dreaming at all or if I had, nothing vivid nor remembered. It's a book that (like all Lynda Barry stuff) can get you really emotional; particularly if you're already a sensitive person, like most of us here in this thread. Also, for lonely people like us all, I would recommend any Lynda Barry at all, her characters are great to keep you company...friends to the friendless, really... My faves of her's are "The! Greatest! Of! Marlys!", "The Freddie Stories," and "The Funhouse." Her stuff will take you back to your childhood; some of it's very sad, however, it doesn't LEAVE you FEELING sad afterward at all. It's amazing, I can't say all about it in a post...

It makes me sad and mad to think of those other girls mistreating Frecklette...but it's so great that she can come to you and talk about that Freckle! (I'd like to slap the snootiness out of a couple of snits)

Starship: Ha ha, yes I know...I always feel like all eyes are on me too when I go out. This is a fear I have to face when I go out alone and it's almost disabling; however, I'm trying to overcome it by practice...(won't say it's got any easier yet though) When I have gone out to see BANDS, it was easiER for several reasons: (1) I went late, in time for the last band which was the one I wanted to see, and I knew that by that time, everyone would be drinking & buzzed already and, in that condition, mainly thinking of THEMSELVES rather than me; (2) I did a shot as soon as I got there to take off the edge (with lip twitching, facial expression tense, hands shaking and feeling dizzy as I ordered that shot!)~ and (3) I knew as soon as the band began playing, the music would take over and I'd be so into the band I wouldn't think about myself, and so would everyone else. So yah, certain places are easier than others to go to alone. Now, your exploring of the city sounds fabulous to me...now that's something I'd like to do...it made me think of this "gallery hop" the first weekend of every month around these parts, where folks walk around to all the galleries and restaurants in the arts district and I haven't gone yet but wanted to...now that it's summer out, I may fly out to that solo...you make exploring the city sound chic and fun and I wanna try too.
obelix2
Squee! I want to high-five myself. I was out walking the dog this morning, and ran into my boy's colleague. I have a HUGE platonic crush on her. I so wish that A and I were friends. She raises chickens in her backyard! Anyway, I ended up feeling like a normal person after the interaction. I walked away feeling like "yeah, that's how social interactions are supposed to go." WOOOOOO!

Jan and Starship - What is with this feeling that everybody is staring at us when we go out alone? I like that you get lost in the band eventually, Jan, and I wish I could do that. Even when it's something I really enjoy, I'm never able to let go of my self-consciousness.

Rationally, I can tell myself that nobody is staring at me, that they're too hung up on their selves to even notice me. But that explanation doesn't really work, because when I'm in a group, I notice the people who are alone, and I feel sorry for them if they look nervous. If I do that, I assume that everybody else does too. I really respect people who are so comfortable with themselves that they can go places alone.
edie52
Gah. I started a new job this weekend and I feel totally socially inept. All the girls there are super best buds and I just feel like "the new girl." Some of them are cool, but some are pretty snobby, and on the whole I don't even know if I want to be friends with them that badly so why do I even care what they think of me? I guess I'm just sooo intimidated by girl cliques, it reminds me of high school. And they seem wrapped up in a social scene that I was sort of into a few years ago, and now I'm kind of jaded and over it, but I'm kind of jealous because I remember how much fun that stuff was and I don't know why I don't find it fun anymore.

Sorry, I'm just kind of rambling. Maybe I should just quit the job if it's making me feel this way (I have another job). I would feel like a loser for quitting, but probably relieved afterwards.

I'm pms-ing so that's part of it.

QUOTE
Anyway, I ended up feeling like a normal person after the interaction. I walked away feeling like "yeah, that's how social interactions are supposed to go."


I love it when that happens!
anna k
No, I know how that feels, edie52. I get along with my co-worker, but she's close friends with one of the other employees and they work together on plays outside of work, so it feels like this particular chumminess that I'm outside of. She also got the full-time job that I wanted (I was hired as a PT worker, but the FT person left and I said I wanted the job, but they gave it to the new girl). I also interned at a magazine and didn't like the snobby, elitist attitudes of some of the employees there.

I also feel both young and old. Young because I look younger than I am and am a newbie in the publishing industry that I'm trying to get into. Old because I'm not as social as I'd like to be, don't have a lot of close friends, and often drifted around to different locations and jobs, not having stayed in the same college for four years with the same friends and being in an insulated circle. I wanted to be a bohemian social hipster, but instead I often do things on my own with occasional social outings, and my creative work is through writing, which may not be seen as much if I was a more public performer like my old college peers.
lilacwine13
I think most of us feel the same way when we're starting out at a new job, edie. I know I do whenever I start at a new place. Hell, I even feel that way now--almost everyone on my crew has found someone to buddy up with except for me. I get along with everyone, but I still feel a little out of place. It doesn't help that I'm someone who get nervous when starting out on something new and either becomes really loud and raucous (like I am right now) or else I retreat into my own little shell and don't talk to anyone. I go out with my coworkers, have a good time, but I don't feel like I would really consider anyone a friend or that they'll want to talk to me later. I've been in this situation before, and sometimes I wish it would result in more permanent friendships.
starship
QUOTE(edie52 @ Jun 2 2008, 06:30 AM) *
I love it when that happens!


Me too! and I love it when a fellow socially inept Bustie puts into words the way i often find myself feeling:). I read this forum and half the time all im thinking is 'ooh me too'

I wouldnt quit just yet edie. Ive had similar situations which felt bad at the time but looking back it wouldve made me feel worse to run away. Youve got nothing to prove to them, hang on in there:)

Im going to read some of the books you recommended I_am_jan, now that ive actually got some free time on my hands(!). Ive been looking for some suggestions. & yes! exploring the city is great. Ive lived next to it virtually all my life and yet in the past few weeks Ive been to so many places i never even knew existed. I feel like a tourist in my own town and as far as anyone else need know, thats all I am. Im hoping to move away next year so might as well make the most of it whilst its all on my doorstep

seeing some old school friends tommorrow. Always a tough one to call how thats going to go but fingers crossed it wont be too harrowing

xx

hellotampon
"I go out with my coworkers, have a good time, but I don't feel like I would really consider anyone a friend or that they'll want to talk to me later."

I know what you mean. I can feel satisfied with myself for going out and having a decent time but afterwards I feel bad. I would like to have more friends, not just acquaintances. No one really ever thinks of me when something is going on. They call my boyfriend... no one even has my number.

But the other night someone called and invited me out. My boyfriend is in England right now and they said they were all talking about him and naturally my name came up and he decided to call because they figured I'd be lonely. Which was nice.
konphusion26
Anxiety # 1: So I just found out that my mom and mom-in-law have been planning and plotting to get both sides of the family together for the 4th of July. Its also a covert attempt to throw the hubby and I a family "reception" as we didn't have a real reception when we said 'I Do'. While that sounds all sweet and fun, I am NOT looking forward to it at all. Our families are sooooooo different. His fam is HUGE in comparison to mine, and they are all very loud people. I'm not really used to that coming from a small laid back family. His family is very traditional, religious, don't drink, don't smoke whereas mine - about a third of us are religious/spiritual, most of my fam drinks and smokes cigs, cuss, we don't really have any traditions at all- just go with the flow... The few times we've gotten together, it hasn't been his whole family just like half of them at a time. I'm just anxious to see how the rest of them will react to my family. Especially his one UPPITY/bourgie aunt who is said to be hosting the shindig at her home. I have an aunt like that, blechhhh. She's pretty wealthy and always looking down her nose at someone. But I tell ya this, my mom will not stand for that. She will politely put her in her place for real.

I don't know, i'm a pretty solitary type of person. I don't like a whole bunch of noise and people around. We'll see how it goes. Any suggestions on how to keep my cool? I'm very nervous about this. Let me be clear though, I'm not embarrassed by my fam, just afraid of how things will go with our folks being so opposite.

Anxiety # 2: My friend's wedding that I'm a bridesmaid in is in less than 2 wks away. WOOOHOO, ready to get this shite over with too and asap.

i_am_jan
konphusion: Oh goodness, I wish I could be better help. Just want to offer "moral support" and tell you I'll be wishing for the best for you. (You all know me, I cannot stand to be the center of attention, so I would be feeling the exact same way.) Try to remember that it's just going to be ONE DAY. And then all of the anxiety surrounding getting the 2 clans together at once (very understandable, again!) will be done with. If it were me and there were no way I could get out of it, I would try to "make up my mind" to have as much fun as I COULD...

edie: Yah, been there too, as the "new girl." As you said, nothing like menstruation to intensify your feelings surrounding a situation. Just remember that it literally only takes a couple of weeks (matter of days) before the "new girl" feeling wears off. Everyone will get used to you being there ~ and to your personality, whatever facet of it may be brought out during your stint with these people ~ and you also will get used to all of those personalities, and it will all just be like any other day. I know snobby girls can suck, so just try to stay away from them if you can. Best of luck to you...

I have been trying to meditate, zen style, recently in an attempt to nail down in my muscle memory what it feels like to be relaxed ~ in an attempt to carry that feeling with me and then call it up when I am feeling nervous/anxious at an outing. I am determined to see all the shows I want to see this summer instead of skipping like I did last summer. I just don't want the fact that I am alone to disable me from doing the things I want to do, you know? Besides, it's only once in a blue moon there's an outing I want to go to anyway, once a month or so, so I've decided to accept the anxiety as much as I can and go anyway

Anyway, PEACE and positive social vibes to all ~~~~ good luck girls
konphusion26
QUOTE(i_am_jan @ Jun 4 2008, 01:30 PM) *
konphusion: Oh goodness, I wish I could be better help. Just want to offer "moral support" and tell you I'll be wishing for the best for you. (You all know me, I cannot stand to be the center of attention, so I would be feeling the exact same way.) Try to remember that it's just going to be ONE DAY. And then all of the anxiety surrounding getting the 2 clans together at once (very understandable, again!) will be done with. If it were me and there were no way I could get out of it, I would try to "make up my mind" to have as much fun as I COULD...


That sounds like a plan to me! I usually find a comfort zone in my mind and work it. Btw, my mom's name is Jan (well Janice but we call her Jan). LOL how cool. I think everything will be okay, just at the time I typed all that I'd just found out and I was playing every weird scenario in my head. Kinda freaked me out a lil; I guess most of them got along pretty well when they first met at our cookout last yr. I will probably be clinging to my mother the whole time like a lil kid. HAHAHA tongue.gif Her confidence tends to make me confident though. Anywho, thanks for your encouragement Jan! You're awesome...
starship
ah ive been there before konphusion. Its bad enough worrying what people think of you let alone having to worry about other people/your family aswell. We cant change the way other people are or make them act any different though so just try to go with the flow and not get too stressed out:). Its just one day like Jan said. Plus members of both sides of the family have been planning it so anything that goes wrong can be down to them lol. But as they are the ones planning it i doubt youll have to worry too much about how they get along & stuff- its not like you arranged it and forced them together..god luck anyway! let us know how it all goes...
eek, if it was me id probably be more nervous about the bridesmaid one. Has anyone here had a large wedding themselves??? Ive always loved the idea of a huge traditional wedding (typical girly stereotype) but now ive gotten old enough to actually get married I think itd all be a bit traumatising- all our families/friends/people we know together, everybodies eyes on me etc etc. I wonder if it'd be possible to have a big traditional wedding with only a few guests...:/
Me too Jan! Im trying to do anything I want to do from now on rather than missing out just because theres noone I can invite along. good luck with it:)
Hellotampon, thats so sweet! Its nice to be reminded that people care. Maybe theyre usually thinking of you too when they call your bf to go out, like as a couple rather than just him without any thought to you
Hope everyones well:)
neurotic.nelly
hola,

So, if no one has noticed, i am one of you. but, it's not so much that i am inept, but that i am just different, sensitive and empathetic and different. the things that i find important and that i find worthwhile are different from the "herds" and that's okay with me. i do not feel that there is something wrong with me. i love myself, and others. i can be charming and graceful and then i can be strange and awkward, it depends on how i feel.

what if *we* are just more sensitive than our fellows? sensitive to noise, talking, gossip, sarcasm, bullshit, etc. i know for myself when i am out with people for awhile, I usually will run out of words and afterwards, I'll need to go somewhere by myself to recharge.

i_am_jan, keep doing it. I love going out by myself. Your posts are so self assured and therefore, inspirational.

hellotampon, that must have felt good to be thought of, and invited out!

edie, think of it this way, cliques can be a limitation on your personal freedoms, be grateful your not involved. just a thought, from a grouchy woman.

good luck to konphusion. hope all turns out well, usually when i am fretting about a social affair such as those, i end up worrying myself to death and then having a blast.

for me, i am so good with second and third impressions. i am also good with random meetings. but when i have to deal with people... coworkers in particular, people whom i wouldn't normally associate but am forced to, my shit starts to break down, i get so annoyed with certain people after awhile. a lot of times, it seems like people get bored and want to fuck with the easiest target, me, the socially inept girl. it usually blows up in their face because i am full of surprises.

~~much love to you all~~
starship
thats exactly what i thought nelly- im more empathetic and sympathetic than your average and a lot of my self-consciousness stems from that. I was nodding on the inside to everything you said. Just wanted to say that:)
i_am_jan
nelly: Yes, I have to agree ... sensitivity and introspectiveness tend to be a common thread among us. glad you've joined this thread, as you have a very interesting perspective on things

konphusion: glad you brought it up, if you need to talk more, we're always here for you...

also, my "handle" (i_am_jan) is actually lifted from a song called "(I am) Jan Brady" by the Lunachicks, LOL smile.gif~
neurotic.nelly
thanks a lot ladies! wink.gif
i_am_jan
WOW. I just invited a couple of busties in my area to give me a shout out if they ever get to my neck of the woods to see bands. Yikes, it just sort of "happened," I can't believe I got my guts up to say it. Of course, it may never even happen, I don't even know if those busties ever even go out to see bands. But it might be nice to have someone to talk to at a show who is a Bustie, I have actually been craving fun companionship a bit recently since broke up with boyfriend.
neurotic.nelly
i_am_jan, good luck with that! it sounds promising!
starship
woo, good luck jan! i wish i had some busties to venture out with, its so much easier when you already know theyre cool people that you have things in common with. dont let your nerves stop you going!
snarky7
i wish there was a way to pre-program my brain/words before going out on the town with people i know (or those i don't for that matter). open.mouth.insert.foot.

did you get out yet jan? hoping for good stuff for you!
silverhalide
Nelly-- i totally relate to that!

smile.gif
i_am_jan
Oh hey snarky and everyone else...how is it going

I have not had a bustie event happen yet, but I have been in contact through PMs with busties in my area. I've told everyone I'm a bit of a "loner" so maybe they'd know what to expect and not take offense if I get quiet or seem awkward, you know? But I am certain I would feel a sort of "bustie bond"? and it wouldn't be quite so difficult with these cool ladies here. It is something I have to look forward to in the future.

As far as getting out, I still am going out to see every band that I want to see, even though I have no accompaniment. I wanted to let you all know that this finally is starting to get A BIT easier. At this point, I have been to almost all of the venues in this town by myself that bands play at, and so am past the point where I walk into a totally NEW PLACE not having any idea what to expect. Many of the musicians and people who go to watch live music in this town are hippies/punks/"busty-type" people, so I'm starting to feel more like part of the group a little. Where I used to feel ALL EYES ON ME 100% percent of the time, I will say it's now down to maybe 75% of the time? This is huge. There is actually some calm space happening where I am able to focus my attention OUTWARD and pay attention to what everyone else is doing, lose myself in the moment, and then come back and go "oh! wow? cool, I forgot about how weird I feel for a minute" these are very special moments, I wish I could bottle them up and take a little dosage before each and every event rolleyes.gif

Meditation has most definitely helped me to be more comfortable. I practice relaxation and note what it feels like to be relaxed. When I get to the gig, I notice the tenseness/anxiety and then start the process of relaxing and breathing whenever it comes over me (often, of course). It's actually PRACTICING RELAXING that I've been doing, and I've found it to be like other things, practice helps you get a little better at stuff.

How has everyone else been doing?
neurotic.nelly
i_am_jan, it's good to hear that you're having more of those not so weird-feeling-moments out at concerts. Alcohol seems to be a nice lubricant for me in that situation. Practicing relaxation/meditation or/and other practices that root me are essential, when I neglect these practices, I notice that I start to isolate more. Right now I am on this whirlwind of doing what I need to and then I stop that and start doing things that deplete my energy (drinking one too many organic beers) and make me isolate more, and then I start over again. I felt so weird today I almost couldn't stand myself, but I am practicing not criticizing myself at all, and this has made all the difference today. I am feeling better now, and praying for more courage to be myself around people.
neurotic.nelly
double post
konphusion26
Howdy friends, just came to show some love to all my fellow socially inept busties! Everything is going okay on this end. Haven't had any uncomfortable social situations come up lately. I also seemed to dodge the bullet with the two family cookout for the 4th - thanks to my family not being able to travel that far. YEEEHAWW! LOL I'm kinda happy it turned out that way. But my mom in law was very disappointed. Awww too bad. HAHA Anyway, the wedding was beautiful. Lots of church family showed up; and we all cried like babies. My husband was my escort- he looked so damn good in that tux. *sigh* that's about all that's new in my world. Still looking for a job where I don't have to deal with the public tongue.gif - which around here is going to be dang near impossible. Hope all you lovelies are doing well.
lilacwine13
Glad to hear the wedding went well, konphusion, and hopefully since this thread has been relatively quiet people are getting out and having a good time.

Well, everything seemed to be going fine in my world. I thought I was doing okay at work, I seem to be getting along with people, then when I was telling a story involving work to AZ Guy he mentioned that I often acted annoying and could sometimes sound like I was bragging. I never realized either one of these (in fact, I try to avoid the bragging part), so now I'm a little afraid to talk to anyone. Nobody has said anything like this to my face; most of the time my coworkers are cool and I can talk to them, so I think everything is fine. Now I'm worried what people are saying about me behind my back, that maybe I am a really annoying person who is trying too hard to impress everyone.

There was a party last week where I felt awkward, though. I did talk a little to some people, but then I just drifted towards the side of the room and couldn't think of anything to say. It was a larger group of people and I don't do well in them, I get a little intimidated by them.

This weekend I decided to go camping alone to recuperate from being around so many people and it helped, I think later on this week I'm going to try to call a couple people I knew from high school and see what they're up to. I also want to send a couple emails off to people I knew from living in Arizona, I'm a little nervous about contacting anyone.
freckleface7
(((((lilac))))))
and may I please, just this once, kick azguy in the shins for saying that?
please?

the mr once made a remark early in our marriage that ' I married her so I didn't have to talk anymore' and while I know he said it as a joke, and it Was funny bc he is so quiet & tight lipped, it really hurt my feelings at the same time & still stings when I think of it today.

I also had some incidents at an old job where I worked w/ the public a lot that my co workers made me feel really bad about.. I got chummy w several of the older volunteers (this was at a museum) & won't lie- adored them- as they seemed to me- but my co workers were like ' don't talk to them like they're old. they don't Know that and it upsets them.' which had me freaking out, and turned out to totally not be true (they did love me), but threw me off my game & had me second guessing myself & extremely paranoid. gah. catty beotches.

I know now I just do Not get along working w/ other women. call me a 'bad feminist' but it's the reality. - I can lead them yes, but as far as being 'one of the girl's', uhhhh NO.

Yah for the wedding being such a success konphusion!! and how adorably sweet that your mr got to 'walk you down the isle' again there too- awwwwww tongue.gif .

as for me, I'm going to start therapy this week. my stress level has reached epic porportions w/ the mr deploying again soon & have begun to display some agoraphobic symptoms where I can find more & more excuses to not leave the house and know it's time to nip things in the bud.
my family needs & deserves better than that from me, and I deserve better than that from myself.

today I am supposed to meet ex bff for lunch & I woke about an hour ago already stressed w/ my stomach churning and am wavering about still going or canceling.
I know I should, and I know I Can (go) and I am actively fighting it as I type this.

-- socially inept or certifiably insane? unsure.gif
neurotic.nelly
freckleface, do you generally get along better with people who are older than you? Or have you in the past?

lilacwine, camping by yourself? That is so brave! I wish I could do that. Good luck with you this weekend!

This is the case with me. Older people are easier to talk to and I am more interested in the conversations. A lot of my somewhat close friendships have been with women and men in the 40's and 50's. This has gone on all throughout my 20's, and I am in my late 20's now. I get along with all my older coworkers. The younger ones annoy.

Part of my issue right now is that I am not trying, and then I wish that I had more to do with people. But, people invite me to shindigs all the time and I don't go. WTF? This weekend, a friend is having a bbq, but I know I am not going because I do not like any of her friends, they can be underhandedly mean, and way too sarcastic for my taste.
starship
I dont have much in common with the average person my age but Im not sure i fit in with older people either. I always feel like Id be a bit of a nuissance and have nothing worthy to contribute to their conversations. Freckleface, I get like that too. I arranged to meet up with an old school friend today. I eventually made it (and enjoyed it once we were there) but right up until leaving the house I was going through ways in my head to get out of it. I usually do the same with other social invitations too, and unless Im convinced it should be relatively stress-free and un-awkward then Ill find some excuse to turn it down.
We saw a few old faces whilst we were out today too. One was awkward and cringey (I could sense he felt uneasy and was fishing around for things to ask which made me less confident) but generally it was standard conversations that youd expect between people who havent seen each other in a while. Was nice to see the friend though and reminded me how my worrying is usually unfounded and unecessary.
Passed my exams so have the whole summer ahead of me. boyfriends being an ass so I intend to make the most of it.
Lilac- send the emails then go off enjoy your camping and forget about it. Beats sitting wondering why someone hasnt replied yet and stressing over whether you said the right thing (thats what Id be doing anyway:/)
Konphusion- sounds lovely:).glad things are going well for you
Nelly- I can definately relate to that. Like i said before, Im always finding excuses to turn down invitations. then Im sat at home wishing i had something to do. It sucks that I even need to make an effort just to get myself out n about. Why cant i just be a natural social butterfly
Hope everyone else is well too x
lilacwine13
Freckle, you can kick AZ Guy wherever you want for saying that. mad.gif I'm still a little peeved about it. Ended up discussing it with one of my coworkers and she was pretty sympathetic to what was going on. It seems like I'm not the only one who's dating someone who's a bit of an asshole. Today went fine at work, which eased my paranoia. People are still talking to me, I even had a few good conversations about movies, one person suggested I go to some music festival at the end of July to meet some people (not sure about that, I'd want to go with a few others). Good luck with the therapy. I can relate to waking up with an upset stomach due to nerves, that has happened to me before. I hope everything went well at the luncheon.

Nelly, I get more nervous camping with other people than myself, I worry about what I'm going to say and how I'm going to get along with everyone. Plus, I need my alone time and whenever I'm around others, I feel a little weird going off alone for a hike, like I'm being antisocial. I try to pick places that are pretty safe, though, when I'm alone, dying in the woods is not something I want to do. I wish I was more comfortable going camping with others, it gets a little boring going by myself.
i_am_jan
Hey everyone, reading through all the posts ~ best wishes out to everybody

That's interesting about talking with older people. I always have had an easier time talking with older people too for some reason. It's like, they seem to be calmer, and they are not afraid to talk about things that are substantive. Unlike younger people, who seem to want to talk about celebs/fashion/drinking constantly, which bore the life from me after a certain limit.

Nelly and Starship: Yes, I know all about not trying and then wishing I had people/things to be involved in. And all about planning something, then thinking up a reason to cancel it almost every single time, the anxiety just demands that I cancel once I start thinking about getting ready to go to it, it seems like waayyy more trouble than it'll ever be worth?? (sigh), and usually is, with as little as I am able to "connect" with folks. The thing is, I know that what I'm craving is true connection/friendship, and that most times, unfortunately, I will not get that need met by hanging out for a couple hours, but will only end up exhausted from the effort. It's amazing how many times I've pumped myself up to do something social, but then get back to my apt. afterward, close the door, feel like myself for the FIRST TIME since I left, then feel nothing more than gladness that it's all over.? And a feeling that I never really will be able to connect with the folks I was with in an authentic way.

freckleface7
nelly, can you tell me what you define as "old" please?
I know that might seem like a 'doh!' but I am older than the average bustie here I think (37) so my perspective of old and yours might be generationally different.

but in general, yes I guess I do.
the younger the {Army} wives I sometimes have to be around {always w/ their nasty young offspring} the Older & unrelatable I often feel. and don't Want to try to relate.
in fact, those women I have the easiest time ignorning bc I believe I am guilty of age descrimination !
(just realised that)

today's therapy (the first) went well.
of course I had huge freak outs about even finding the place (but I did something about that later, see the Confessions Thread!), and then, having gotten there early, didn't know if I should go on in or sit out in my car? gah. but it was ok.
I liked the woman I saw & discovered we both have the same odd-combination dogs.. husky/lab's.
I am going to focus on, or mentioned to her, my feelings of not fitting in with the spouses that the mr works with, and my feelings of automatic rejection I feel every-time-I-see-them and hells bells but I hope she can help me "fix" that bc frankly its an old feeling of having such dread regardless of the situation involving them.

glad your work situation was better than you expected today lillac, don't you all ever just get so sick of other women being so damn bitchy to one another??


(((socially inepts)))
neurotic.nelly
freckleface, I said "older", and I meant older than whatever age you are presently, and/or if it isn't true now, maybe it was in the past. So far, from everyones posts it seems that we generally do relate better with people older than us.
Relating to "older" people has been the case for me since I was 10 yrs old. At 10, I hung out with the 12/14 yr olds. In high school, I hung out with peps my own age. But, in college at 18 yrs, I hung out with girls in their 20 and 21 yrs. After college I started making friends with people in the 30's, 40's, and 50's. I am in my late 20's now, and I still relate to that age group better than people in their late 20's.
I suspect that as I get older, I will relate to people around my own age more, I hope!
I always thought I'd end up in a relationship with someone way older than me, but my boyfriend is only two years older.
Some of my most quality friendships in the last three or four years have been with women in their 40's and 50's. Sadly, I've lost the closeness with them for various reasons, but I do feel that I have a pattern established of not being able to hold on to my friendships.
knorl05
love you girlies.

havent read up on this thread lately.

but. have a minor crisis going on.

beau asked me to his friends' wedding. i said yes. then after the fact, i've overthought so many factors i hadnt considered. like what to wear, including what color is appropriate. where i'll sit, who i'll talk to (he's standing up in the wedding). what will i talk about. feel like i'll be this sore thumb, out of place, acting all awkward and uncomfortable, not talking to anyone. roaming around lost by myself. i realize that's irrational, but not entirely. in social settings i dont know what to talk about with his friends, let alone a formal one!! i'm freaking myself out. he doesnt understand the reason for my neurosis, so i cant really talk to him about it or let him know my concerns.. and no one else really knows what to say but "it'll be fine". so i'm like, shit, i just want to cancel. but then i realize it's so stupid of me and i'm not going to, because you know, it's a challenge and it could be a really great experience. but URG.

oh ps. i'm not so much a wedding person, dont really *believe in* formal, traditional weddings... so that alone makes it weird. i honestly dont think i've been to a wedding outside of family or family friends, so this is something new for me entirely. ..oh no wait. i crashed one when i was 19 and got super wasted with a friend of mine. but so yeah, doesnt count.

oh and ((nn)).. just hopped into sbsg for a quick scroll.
lilacwine13
((((Knorl))))) I wish I knew what else to say except I've been in that situation too, and it sucks. I'm not a wedding person either, I hate large gatherings where I don't know anyone, and I suck at small talk. I think almost everyone is going to feel uncomfortable there, so you probably won't stick out because everyone is worrying about themselves (I know, it's difficult to believe this). Just remember that it can't be as bad as you think it's going to be. If all else fails, then enjoy the open bar. laugh.gif

Freckle, I'm a little paranoid about bitchy women, even though I know I can be one. I think guys can be just as bad, but they're able to forget about all the little slights and insults easier than women, IMO.


Last night I went out with a couple of my female coworkers and it was a little awkward. They're pretty close, so I felt like a third wheel with them, and for some reason any conversations I have with them keep drifting back to our relationships. It's nice to have someone to discuss this stuff with, but at the same time I kinda get sick of it, I want to gossip about coworkers, or talk about careers, or something else besides men.

And AZ Guy is coming up this weekend, I really don't know what to say to him. We have a couple of things planned, but I've been procrastinating on making plans, so right now I'm scrambling to find stuff.
lilacwine13
Keep moving, nothing to see here.
i_am_jan
Hey knorl, I've missed you! I've been wondering what was up with ya. Glad you're well, aside from the usual rolleyes.gif

I think what Lilac said is great. The truth is, everybody really will be more focused on themselves than you.

Keep reminding yourself that this event is about the two people getting married and their close family and friends ~ it is not about you. This is an event for you to go to in order to be an OBSERVER. Try to think of being THE OBSERVER as your JOB. You must be on the lookout for something that's funny or out-of-place so that you can report on it later...to have a good story to either write in your journal or tell to a friend later. Maybe this will help you to focus your attention OUTWARD, rather than inward, where all of the worrying is going on. Make up your mind that, now that you've accepted this invitation, you owe it TO YOURSELF to be okay with it. I know all of this is a bit idealistic...but it's still more realistic than all of the worrying that we do. Also, decide that you can stress a bit over what to wear, etc. ... but put a LIMIT on the worry for this day... tell yourself that, once you leave the house, the worrying needs to cut off; you will focus outward only once you get to the event. Be hungry for details ~ alert. Instead of being the one who feels like everyone is noticing her, be the one who notices. Also, make up your mind to ACCEPT yourself as "the quiet person." There is such an animal, and you are it. If someone begins speaking with you, BE the quiet person that you ARE. Smile politely, respond if you have something to say; if not, kindly excuse yourself. There is nothing wrong with being quiet...there is dignity in quietude and honesty, and it is yours. If being fake doesn't make you feel good, you have the absolute right to not give in to it, and you know the truth? What really pleases other people anyway is a good, quiet listener. You are a wonderful listener...so be that.

These are the things I always tell myself before events. I really hope some of it will work for you too. I know it's going to be hard, but you are sharp and you will overcome. ((((Good luck))))

Freckle: I hope you are on the road to feeling better again soon. It sounds like you can hopefully figure out how to make the most of your therapy. I also think it's great that you took responsibility for your mental health since you have a family. I wish my own mother had been strong enough to do the same, I might not be here today. Anyway, the lab/husky sounds like a great dog too.
neurotic.nelly
Wow. iamjan, that was amazing/powerful advice. I'll have to print that off and keep it in my journal. wink.gif

Hey Knorl, good luck with everything. I second jan's advice.

freckleface, I am glad your therapy session went well. Yay for you!

(((quiet, unusual busties)))

p.s. socially inept dork sounds way to negative, no matter how true it may-be at times.
knorl05
((lilacwine13))((i_am_jan))((neurotic.nelly))

i'm slightly embarrassed to admit i did not go. sad.gif i LOVED the advice i got in here though, and i really did (and have been) keeping it in my database of selfesteem. i mean damn. it is ok to be the quiet girl eh? what ever told us it isnt? i think for me... back when i was younger... it was that i hated how stifled i felt by my shyness. i *hated* blushing and i *hated* not being able to talk or be outgoing. it made me so sick and so frustrated to be how i was. and the teasing. gah! and then being a perfectionist on top of that - if that's what you'd call it - with the neurotic thoughts of, oh i sounded so stupid, or, oh i shouldnt have said that, or, oh everyone must think i'm such a [dork, loser, weirdo]. so i kind of conditioned myself through the years, to believe that happiness, or peace of self, rested in being something i wasnt. even though in my teens and twenties, my behavior and lifestyle told a different story, i still always had it in the depths of my being that the key to all i ever wanted out of life was to be this something perfect i was not. ooh. all this over a wedding?!! sheesh.

NEway. different factors played into my decision not to go. first of all, formal event means buying a new dress and i'm kinda strapped for cash. secondly, the uncomfortableness. thirdly, the fact that i was second choice (he asked his ex first because she is really good friends with the bride). and then also. he's been so uncertain if he even wants to date me lately. so all this nervousness and anxiety over it just didnt seem worth it. it'd be different if he were asking me to invite me into his life more and whatever else, but he's not, and i'm not good friends with the wedding party anyway, so why bother going. so that was my thinking.

geez, i need to read up on the other posts..... i wanna get involved in this thread again more! i love the understanding of one another we have in here. xx.
i_am_jan
Good question. What ever told us it wasn't okay to be a quiet person? (And sent me hurdling into the universe grasping for straws to figure out a way to be outgoing/something I wasn't?)

There's no question for me. It began with my very first report card in kindergarten. I specifically remember reading over this exact card (it is a photogenic memory where I can see the handwriting with those exact words on it) and the many subsequent report cards that said the same exact thing: "Jan seems to be so intelligent but she never raises her hand in class." "Jan never shares with the rest of the class." "Jan needs to participate more in class discussions." "We really wish Jan would come out of her shell, she seems to be a very bright girl." "Grades are fine, but we'd really like to see Jan overcome her shyness." "Jan is too shy for her own good." Also, down through the years, people have always harrassed me for being quiet. It's never been a thing where people ever really accepted it in me. There is always, ALWAYS going to be a group of people, with one member (usually the loudest person in the group...who can't possibly conceive of ANY reason why someone might NOT want to be the center of attention) who'll always ~ even when things are going great in the group, everyone's having fun, things are fine without my oral participation ~ whose NOT going to be okay with things until she says ~ "Hey everyone, we need to find a way to bring Jan out of her shell. Hey Jan let's get YOU right into the very center of attention of things by busting you out right now. Why are you being so quiet, what's up with you? What do you have to say?"

So...from these experiences, I began trying to struggle to find SOMETHING. ANYTHING. to SAY. to TALK ABOUT. when I was in a social situation. This is when I turned from being "the quiet one" into being "the awkward one." The reason was because, when I tried actively to find junk to say, it always WAS awkward/dumb-sounding ~ because it was faked/pulled out of my ass. Literally, in order to not receive negative attention for my shyness/quietude and to shut people up, having received the message that saying SOMETHING/ANYTHING was ALWAYS WAY BETTER than saying NOTHING.

I dug so deep ~ and for so many years ~ to try and "fix" myself...until I came back around full circle to the answer. I got so sick of being awkward and fake that I finally began to accept that I simply am a naturally shy and quiet person who has never been able to change from that ~ and it still feels LESS awkward for me than saying something stupid that I didn't even mean, that wasn't even genuine to who I am, but something made up in order to just put something out there.

Also, I figured out that I don't believe the same as all those other people who seem to feel everyone needs to participate/be involved/get their voice heard even when they have nothing relevant to say. To me, if I'm in a room standing next to Conan O'Brien (there is one or several at every gathering it seems...someone who naturally is entertaining and sociable and loving it) ~ BY ALL MEANS, STFU and defer to Conan O'Brien to do the entertaining. Do something you're good at, lay back and be entertained, don't try to venture into comic territory if it isn't your natural habitat. Also, to me, there is too much dang noise in this world anyway. I can think of several people I think should just sit back and STFU? But I don't tell people that. And I really wish they'd stop pushing their judgments on me as well, because I feel they're incorrect.

Anyway...I giggled that you canceled knorl. It didn't sound like an event that wasn't really worthy of the effort rolleyes.gif I hope you your "alone" things, your creative pursuits, are fulfilling you lately. P.S. Sorry for the long rant!
freckleface7
knorl: please don't feel like you let any of us down here, you made a very valid & logical case that I'm guessing most of us agreed w/ completely. good for you for knowing yourself well enough to not nearly set yourself up for a difficult time.
(((((knorl)))))

the mr & I are going through a rough spot right now.. he is deploying soon (days now) and while we nearly always go through a period of emotional seperation (i-e arguments) pre-deployment, this one is hitting me especially hard. and he's my "social anchor"...in terms of hanging out.
granted I usually do get more social w/ my female friends while he is gone, but I'm not sure I am up for that this time. I think I'm feeling like staying home & in my cocoon is the way I need to be right now.
as to my social ineptedness (is that a word?) I think I am starting to clue in that while so often I feel judged and rejected by some groups, I am the one who needs to adjust. not that I'm broken persay, but realistically, I cannot change anyone but myself. my own attitudes. the tall walls I tend to put up & then play the victim for not feeling accepted.

just thinking outside my head right now I think...

((((busties)))
knorl05
wow. so great. that's all. for now anyway. cool.gif must cheww.. and digest.
xxxo.

oh but first. freckle. as cliche as it may sound, follow your gut. do whatever you feel you need to do whenever you feel you need to do it - to enable you to use this opportunity to its greatest advantage. basically, try not to think too much about what you think you should be doing, and instead just do it. what trips me up is playing scenarios over in my head to protect me from .. whatever it is that makes me anxious. when really, the anxiety itself is what makes me anxious and when i'm doing what i'd like to be doing i can usually -well eventually- get along ok. and also, imho, jan's amazing advice applies in so many arenas of life.
starship
i actually love you guys
lilacwine13
Freckle, sometimes the best thing to do is to relax and be alone. Solitude isn't a bad thing.

The weekend went rather well. AZ Guy wasn't a jerk and we had a good time. Last night I ended up joining my coworkers at the bar and I actually had a good time. I was surprised when one of them said they were wondering where I was earlier, I'm not used to that. I have more to say, but I'll have to come back later.
neurotic.nelly
(((quiet busties)))

looking forward to more from lilacwine... happy.gif
starship
I've become single and it seems to have made me more sociable than ever. Probably because for the first few days I was consciously trying to keep busy and out of the house but now Im actually quite liking it:). Ive been to bars, shopping with friends of friends (i.e a crowd i dont know), seen old friends, an amazing concert, met new people, applied for summer jobs, arranged meet ups with friends, seen family that I havent much for a while, even chatting on msn which doesnt sound much but I havent done it for a while...and so on...I'm sure Ill be back to reclusiveness soon so Im making the most of it
Still representing us official 'quiet ones' though. I've resigned happlily to the fact Ill never be a motormouth
neurotic.nelly
Yay for starship! I love it when I grow temporary social butterfly wings!

I am finding more and more acceptance my quietness as something that is apart of me, not something to be fixed. (If there isn't any low self esteem attached to being quiet, than its just a trait.) So, I am more comfortable with awkward moments that happen between people... they happen all the time, and sometimes they are hilarious! (Especially when I am not involved and I get to watch other people have awkward moments) In the past few weeks, I've had a coworker (younger than me and a real talker) call me awkward. Just in the middle of getting some paper and saying our hellos at the copier, she'd say that I was awkward. It didn't bother me, it just seemed odd that she would call someone out like that (it wasn't in front of other people or anything), but I let things ride, and really, it turns out that SHE is the awkward one, and she was pushing her issue onto me. The awkward moments that I have with her are because she is awkward. She is a talker, whew!, so she tends to make awkward moments worse.
/rant

P.s. I hope all quiets have a fantastic day!
Muffy
I seem to be having an awful summer. I tried making a new friend, who in turn became friends with my best friends and now they all get together and do things and don't invite me. Today they went to the beach. I know and understand that people lives don't revolve around me, but I've been really lonely lately and the more depressed I get about it the worse it is. The reason for trying to make new friends was so I wouldn't feel 'left out' when my friends did things without me, I'd have other friends. But I don't really. People talk to me at work but they aren't my friends, my coworkers hang out with each other but not me. I managed to go out on a date last weekend, I wasn't really interested in the person, but I guess it was probably a step in the right direction.

hope everyone has a happy 4th.
starship
(((muffy)))
At least you tried to make a friend, thats one step further than I probably would've gotten. She doesnt sound like the sort of person Id like to be friends with so perhaps you had a lucky escape. Hope it doesnt put you off trying to make more:)

I dont mean to sound ignorant, but..what do American's do on July 4th??
Ok I am ignorant
Hope you all enjoy it anyway x

Im going to listen to Morrissey in HydePark tommorrow night. Drinks & Live music at sunset= perfect mellow evening
Today I did sod all and only saw 2 human beings all day. Loved it
Muffy
starship, She's not a bad person or anything. Actually my best friends go and do things without me all the time, I guess it just hurts a bit more because I developed a crush on this person (and my best friends know this!) and it doesn't occur to them to invite me! I guess my problem is more with them than her. But on the otherhand, I don't really want to seem needy and whiny by saying something to them.

I honestly don't know what the hype about the 4th is. People have family picnics and watch fireworks at night... some places have parades and such. I never really do anything, my family used to when I was a kid. I don't even think my family is doing anything, it'd be nice if we were to take my mind off things.

So jealous that your going to Morrissey, have fun : )
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.