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thirtiesgirl
Ok, I didn't know where else to post this...but I'm soliciting some advice from any who might wish to reply. What do you do when you're in the middle of a phone conversation with someone and you have to pee...and more?

I ask because tonight, while I was on the phone with the long distance guy, I really had to go to the bathroom. I held it as long as I could, but then I finally just went into the bathroom, covered up the mouthpiece and did my business. I didn't flush the toilet when I was done, but I'm sure he knew I was in the bathroom. I did it once before a few weeks ago when we were on the phone and he joked about me being in the bathroom. I apologized profusely and told him I just couldn't hold it any longer. We joked about it some more and he seemed okay with it...but I also kind of got the underlying feeling that he thinks it's kind of crass.

And, admittedly, it is. Depending on the person I'm talking with on the phone, sometimes I'll ask them to wait while I go use the bathroom, or other times I'll continue the conversation. I guess with the L-D guy, once we're on the phone, I want to spend as much time on the phone with him as possible, so I don't ask him to wait while I pee. And yet I feel guilty enough about doing it that I'm still trying to operate under the pretense that "he can't tell when I go to the bathroom." Which is obviously not true.

So I guess my real question is, how do I bring up the subject with him, as to whether he minds if I use the facilities while I'm on the phone with him or not? It's never been a topic of conversation I've ever had with anyone else.
Persiflager
I usually say 'Ooh, I need to go to the bathroom now, do you mind if I call you back in two minutes?'. If it's a long conversation he might welcome a break himself, especially if he doesn't feel comfortable using the facilities while on the phone.
freckleface7
I'm w/ persiflager thirties; I'd make up some sort of excuse like ' hey I see my neighbor headed this way to return the dishes she barrowed- I'll call you back in 5 ?' or something like that.
all of our bathrooms have differet acoustics & it'd be pretty obvious where I was if I ever tried it, not to mention me just being too embarrassed! but there are few things worse than reallllllly needing to go but not wanting to break that sort of connection either. :/


I made a new friend today!!!!!
at least I hope so and am hoping in retrospect she doesn't think I am some sort of freak stalker.. but really, as we even exchanged #'s & she wrote ' had fun today smile.gif ' I think I really did!
we were both shopping at Cato today & I asked her opinion of a winter coat I was trying on, and we started talking, and then taaaalking, and after a minute I said ' um, is it ok if we shop together now bc I could really use someone's opinion right now' and she smiled and said " sure!" and so we shopped like that, going into the fitting rooms at the same time & modelng & critiquing what we were trying on for over 2 hours!
when we were checking out the sales girls said they thought we were best friends bc of the way we were laughing & carrying on in there. her father is visiting for a long time (she is from europe) so I told her I didn't want to infringe on her time w/ him but that after he's gone & she's sad I'll be waiting for her to ring.
it was such a nice, no stress Happy day..(not to mention I got a great coat & some killer good-butt jeans & a way sexy sweater & corset style blouse too) I hope she does.
as much of a hermit as I still am, it gets lonely.

the mr & I met a really wonderful couple at home depot yesterday too; a little older than us, but so very kind & cool. we talked to them, exchanging names even, for like- 45 minutes in the plumbing isle.
as we were walking out to the car the mr (biggest hermit Ever) said ' .. you know those are the kind of people I'd like to hang out with' and I had been thinking the same thing, except I had no idea how to bring it up.
I mean do you say " hey we think you're totally cool- want to have dinner and hang out?" bc what if they Don't?
how totally awkward is that?
anna k
That's so awesome, freckle! I'm so proud of you!

Invite the couple over. If they say no, it's no big loss, but you'd give it a shot.
freckleface7
thank you so much anna!

I do not know if we will ever run into that same couple again and have thought about haunting the isles of home depot again to up the odds, but even to me, that's strange & desperate behaviour.
however, if we do by chance, I think I will lightly suggest getting togehter to grill maybe.
here in nc it's never out of season for that.

today was another good day though.
I stopped in my fav health food store & the mgr was Finally there again & Yah- she'd missed me too!
right before I got so sick I'd been thinking about asking her if she wanted to go to lunch some time bc we always seemed to have so much to talk about when I'd shop there.. stuf not realted to the store .
so I hadn't seen her in several months & I walked in & she cried ' where have you been?!' and so we talked & I asked her about lunch & she got excited & we're going to go hopefully next week!
we even hugged before I left the store. smile.gif

it feels so nice to know that sometimes my instincts about potential friends Are accurate, bc so many maaaaany times I've thought I've felt that spark only to have that same person totally ignore me the next time I see or run into them. makes me feel like once again my big stoopid personality came on too strong & scared someone else away.

my xbff/friend is once again slipping into crazy competative mode.. she's doing the 1 up kinda thing to whatever I write the last few weeks.. a pattern I've learned to recognize now & so will start to pull back away for awhile.
sigh:(
ihateoly
Yay, Freclke! That's wonderful! Hi, all. I have just recently moved to a new town and I know one person here becasue I knew her from high school. My husband and I funded the move entirely on our own and he's a student, so we are kinda broke. This girl is getting married soon and I was invited to her bridal shower where: I know noone and the few friends of hers I have met are really judg-y hipster types who ignored me the whole time I was there. Also, the resteraunt is pretty posh (cheapest thing on the menu is $20) and I'm supposed to pay for my dinner and have drinks. I already have to spring for a wedding gift, something decent to wear to her reception and she has champaigne taste. Ugh. My dilema is this: am I an asshole for not going to her shower? I mean, I don't know anyone. I am totally socially akward and I can't really see spending so much money just to go be ignored by a bunch of snobby hipster girls. I can't afford to buy their kind of clothes and two gifts and shit like that right now. I sling coffee and my husband is a full time student, you know? Money aside, I felt like I was under a magnifying glass when I met her friends the last time. Noone talked to me and I would catch them sizing me up when they thought I wasn't looking (looking at my clothes and doing the same to my husband). I want to pass on this whole thing, but my husband thinks it's because I'm nervous and it's partly that. I just don't want to spend money I don't really have to be treated like shit for an entire evening. Any thoughts?
rubberdollz
ihateoly... I wouldn't go. I have total social issues and being in large groups like that especially knowing that the friends are a bunch of jerks would make me shun away. I think money being an issue is a totally reasonable excuse as well. But honestly... you don't need an excuse not to go, just the fact that you don't want to go is fine enough. You are not there to impress her friends or her for that matter and f* it, if you can't afford the kind of shit they can that should not be a big deal. I don't know what kind of friend she is but the fact of you just going to an event should make her happy enough. All in all... No I don't think you not going makes you an asshole, I wouldn't go but I am an asshole.

I had a friend who invited me to her birthday party once. I was trying to get the lowdown on the restaurant we were going to and she told me nothing extravagant. I brought a date and we were both broke. The cheapest thing on the menu was 20 bucks and everything was ala carte... along with the no free refills on soda we got! I was seriously pissed when the bill got passed around, like I was suddenly supposed to be contributing to the alcohol that was flowing when I didn't have one drink. Her friends were a*holes too, me and my date just sat there not really talking to anyone at this table. I apologized to him afterwards but there wasn't much I could do, it really sucked.

Seriously... don't go. It obviously sounds like you have no interest in going and have already talked yourself out of it.
konphusion26
QUOTE(rubberdollz @ Dec 11 2008, 08:31 PM) *
ihateoly... I wouldn't go. I have total social issues and being in large groups like that especially knowing that the friends are a bunch of jerks would make me shun away. I think money being an issue is a totally reasonable excuse as well. But honestly... you don't need an excuse not to go, just the fact that you don't want to go is fine enough. You are not there to impress her friends or her for that matter and f* it, if you can't afford the kind of shit they can that should not be a big deal. I don't know what kind of friend she is but the fact of you just going to an event should make her happy enough. All in all... No I don't think you not going makes you an asshole, I wouldn't go but I am an asshole.


Seriously... don't go. It obviously sounds like you have no interest in going and have already talked yourself out of it.


I so agree with Rubberdollz here. I have friends like that who want to invite you to all their swanky gatherings knowing you're broke. And then all their friends look at you funny the whole time. Nahh, I'd pass. You'll kick yourself in the azz later if you go. Bad enough they'll expect a gift. If you feel that uncomfortable girl friend, do not go.

Then again, I'm an anti-social azzhole. LOL I detest functions where I'm expected to spend money while ooh-ing and aah-ing over folks. Example : bridal showers, baby showers, receptions... etc.

BLEH! Do yourself a favor and save that money girl.
ihateoly
Thanks konphusion and rubberdollz. I knew in the back of my mind that my reasons for not going were pretty solid, but when the husband suggested it might merely be anxiety, I wanted some more opinions. I am sooo not goin'! And I feel good about it! smile.gif
rubberdollz
Oh my lord I totally agree! I think I've been to like 1 baby shower and that was for my sister. I don't go to that kind of crap usually. Bunch of girls sitting around being annoying is not on my list of things to do.

ihateoly is your husband more outgoing then you? Which is why he may have thought it was only anxiety keeping you away. Honestly anxiety would keep me away... my husband is way more outgoing then me in social situations which is why I ask. He would probably wonder why I wouldn't go to something like that and then try to figure out my reasoning.
ihateoly
QUOTE(rubberdollz @ Dec 12 2008, 04:59 PM) *
Oh my lord I totally agree! I think I've been to like 1 baby shower and that was for my sister. I don't go to that kind of crap usually. Bunch of girls sitting around being annoying is not on my list of things to do.

ihateoly is your husband more outgoing then you? Which is why he may have thought it was only anxiety keeping you away. Honestly anxiety would keep me away... my husband is way more outgoing then me in social situations which is why I ask. He would probably wonder why I wouldn't go to something like that and then try to figure out my reasoning.

We both have social awkwardness issues, but he tends to be a bit more graceful than I am. I wouldn't have a huge problem going if it wasn't going to cost so much and those women weren't a bunch of judgemental hipster-y jerks. I called last night to cancel and I got the girl who is throwing the shower's voicemail. biggrin.gif I feel like I just dodged a bullet and I don't feel at all guilty. Yay! However, having some friends wouldn't be so terrible. I actually have all of today off (my first saturday off in months) and the husband is at work. Meh. I guess it's just gonna be a travel mug full of hot chai, thrift stores and me all by my lonesome. Meh.
Bunny Saves The Day
i want to vent about myself. can i do that? god i feel akward about it, but reading everyone's posts is making me feel a little better. or less lonely about being such a dork. not that i'm calling anyone here a dork! honestly i'd like to give you all hugs right about now, if no one would be freaked out by the sudden contact froma stranger blink.gif .
i can make myself be social and friendly. i like to be friendly to people i don't know (unless they trully frighten me on first impression). my problem is that say i hang out with some friends, later i look back and think "was i too loud?" "god, i was acting like such and idiot!" i apologize a lot too.don't get me wrong, i really feel that my friends love me too, but i just hate that once i'm comfortable with opening up to a person, i have tendencies to be loud and hyperactive. i also have never smoked anythig or done any substances, didn't drink until i was 21, and didn't lose my virginity until i was 18 (my boyfriend and i were going out 8 months before we did it, and for four years it's been just him and i since). sooo there's usually not a lot of things i can relate to with most people, like crazy drunk stories or nightmare ex's.i also have the tendency to start talking a lot, or jitter or fall into an silence, usually with gay guys more than girls though.
okay! all done! yay!i hope also that i can dish out heplful advice to you all too, and that i can post a horrible social situation needing advice here someday soon, cause i know it'll happen.
ihateoly
You are in good company, Bunny, because I am also a compulsive apologizer. It's a bad habbit I have picked up as I get so nervous sometimes and I feel like a bull in a china shop most of the time. I know all too well about the going over things I did or said in my mind. Ugh. I hate the mental re-cap as I am sure most of it is probably distorted anyway. Like, I feel like I am responsible for the entire interaction, when I know that I'm not. I can't control if someone is an asshole or not and I need to learn not to do that to myself.
rubberdollz
My sister is a compulsive apologizer and I always get so irritated with her (not saying that you two are irritating) but I see it as why apologize? You haven't done anything wrong and don't apologize for the things you say or do! She goes into these super long conversations where she over describes things and I'm always like... just give the basics.

Don't apologize for who you are or the things you do, I guess that's what I'm trying to get to here. Sometimes we can apologize too much for things and then when a time comes and you actually need to you can't apologize with as much sincerity because you've killed the apology so many times before.

We need to be strong women and apologizing so much to me means that you feel bad and you shouldn't feel bad!
auralpoison
This is one of those things I find interesting in a gender sort of way. As women, many of us apologize just to diffuse a possible situation. To a lot of immature men, apologizing is tantamount to bending over. It's weakness, it's you won, I lost.

If I've fucked up & *know* it I apologize. If I don't really mean it, I don't. I've apologized to many people on here many times because I was just being a cantankerous shithead. I just feel like if I've fouled I should own it. I don't feel guilt. Guilt is stupid. To me it's a matter of honor. I *usually* know when I'm beyond the pale & often times even if I don't get called on it, I'll own it anyway. I've dropped several PM & public apologies around here from when I've been a right shite bitch.
lilacwine13
I'm one of those people who apologizes a lot, especially if I feel awkward. It has more to do with feeling like I'm the cause of problems, such as a lull in the conversation, than anything else. I know that it isn't always my fault, that things happen, but it automatically comes out because I want to be polite and nice. It probably does have something to do with being a woman and being conditioned to not offend anyone and try to make nice with everyone.

The odd thing is, if someone says they're sorry something happened to me, I usually tell them don't bother, they aren't the cause of my problems.

I also tend to apologize for being annoying, which is more of a social awkwardness thing too. I am still very self-conscious around people and while I know I can't make everyone like me, it's still a compulsion to have that appearance, of pleasing people and not being offensive.

The feminist and strong part of me knows that, unless I've done something wrong, I don't need to apologize, I don't need to feel there is something wrong with me because I'm not "normal" and there is no reason to feel sorry for that. However, when I'm uncertain about something, especially when it comes to social situations, that flies out the window.
ihateoly
Thank you, Lilac! You perfectly articulated why I am a compulsive apologizer. It's exactly like that for me as well. I agree that a big part of it is social conditioning. You don't see men apologizing for fear of being impolite or see them being overly concerned with being offensive. Quite the opposite, really. I think most men just do as they please without a second thought for the most part.
lilacwine13
Wow, this thread has been quiet.

I found an article about introversion which some of you might find interesting.

Caring for Your Introvert

Hope you all had a good holiday season, I just hung out at home and visited AZ Guy, nothing exciting here. How's everyone else been doing?
starship
i miss this thread and all it's insightfulness:(

i've been feeling slightly less inept lately. although thinking about it i dont think ive changed much at all. i managed to make two close friends (something i hadnt really had for a while) which i guess is responsible for making me feel more 'normal'. and this semester at uni ive ended up in classes with people who i'd never really spoken to before so it's been refreshing talking to some new peers. and a few ive become acquainted with enough to swap numbers/emails etc and speak to outside of the classroom environment. I always find it reassuring when i befriend somebody new. if i go into my shell too much and for too long i end up completely doubting myself and even my most basic of social abilities. i always feel contented when i've had a conversation with someone new- not an awkward cringe-worthy exchange of words where it feels like im holding them hostage, but an actual conversation where i identify and laugh with them. I think it's all a confidence issue. Ive got to keep telling myself that people like me, damnit.

my ex went slightly crazy during the last few months of last year. harassment & stalking left me feeling slightly depressed and meant my introverted side came out even more

I'm definately an over-apologiser too. i even find myself apologising to people who bumped into mee/trod on my foot/etc etc- wtf. its almost as though i see myself as the root of all problems within a 10mile radius. i need to value myself more and stop thinking of myself as an inferior nuisance. not that i go around all the time actually thinking these things about myself- but im pretty sure i have some deeply engrained insecurities that present themselves in my actions/outlook

how is everyone doing lately on the social front? should i take the fact that we have all abandoned this thread as a good sign?smile.gif

Ill (hopefully) be graduating soon and thats kinda stressing me out already. my family, my 'friends', my tutors- all in one place, all expecting small talk and joyful exchanges. eek. im trying to look at it from a different, more inward perspective. ive worked hella hard and it is a day to celebrate my (our) achievements. to be proud of myself and what ive done, and not worry about what everyone else is thinking.

anyway, to summarise the last few months (weeks?) since posting, ive had a few setbacks & knocks to my confidence but overall i think im heading in a forward direction:)

hope everyone's been doing ok
ive kinda rambled abit in the hope the thread might get reignited somehow. i miss all the much-needed wisdom!
x
anna k
I've been feeling better with socializing, often chatting with women in my gym classes. I learned to ask them more about their lives rather than being shy or talking about myself, to be more empathetic. I was so used to being alone that when someone would tell me about their lives, I didn't know how to react or engage in real conversation, just being self-absorbed and in my own head. So I'm working on it, and with just listening more and being more engaged, it's much easier to meet people and have better conversations.

I've mostly hung out with my siblings from time to time, but go out alone a lot. I do meetup.com meetups once in a while, but am not really into it, it can be a bit clique-y. Sometimes I meet with commenters from Jezebel, and I date occasionally, but my last date was in October, and I haven't felt up to dating or casual sex since then.

That was really great to read, starship. I'm so proud of you for going beyond your initial shyness and opening up to people and taking chances, it's a great new change and a lot of courage/maturity to do that.
freckleface7
starship & anna:
thank you for kickstarting this thread.

you all gave me the bump to crawl from under my rock & call that great woman I met shopping last month finally.. and I admit it- I was scared to make the call. I wasn't sure she'd even remember me but was more afraid I'd have to leave a voice message as I tend to get super dorky & rambly but she picked up, remembered who I was, and when I was vague & somewhat 'apologetic for bothering you but had thought maybe you might want to get together sometime..' she jumped in w/ a " When?" smile.gif
so we're meeting next week for lunch & then shopping.

she doesn't know any of my "issues" and so damnitall, I'ma keep that stuff to myself & just try super hard to be normal. she'd run screaming in the other direction if she knew all that goes on in my mind when I am out & about it can be so hard still sometimes but I'm working on it.

I also got invited to a work-party of the mr's co workers for this weekend, but the mr is away & I'd totally be the odd woman out so gracefully declined the invite.

I am super proud of Both of you anna & starship- you're both doing great & brave things & set such good examples for the rest of us inepts here. cool.gif
lunia666
Hi Ladies
So I set a goal for my self this year to meet and make some new girl friends. Because honestly right now I have none sad.gif. I thought a good start would be early this month BF and I went to dinner with a group of his friend and there girlfriends. Two of the couples didn't show up so there was only me and two other girls ( one of which lives in another state). Needless to say it didn't go as well as I would like sad.gif. One couple left early and I only talked to the other girl for about a min or so in which I quickly found out that not only do we have little to nothing in common but she also dislikes most if not all of the things am in to huh.gif .
I am still dealing with my own issues. I have such a hard time trusting people enough to open up and be my self when I first meet new people. I all ways feel like people will judge me if I say something stupid unsure.gif . Anyway sorry for rambling.

On a happy note I found a Firefly meet up group in my area and am taking to bf about going to there next meetup. The thought of walking in to a bar and meeting a group of strangers freaks me out but with him there I think I will be more brave smile.gif


freckleface7
ex bff & I met for lunch today after my salon appt, and as usual we had a fantastic time. we laughed so hard we both started snorting and it's just good for the soul.

when we were parting, we hugged & she said ' you know you're my best friend' and I said " really?!!"
and she said ' of course, no one knows me as good as you do and I can be myself and you still love me & we laugh so much (understatement) together' and we had another girly sappy hug and I almost got teary eyed bc even tho I KNOW not to totally let my guard down w/ her, I feel like a little girl who got a pony for xmas and I want to shout it from the rooftops I HAVE A BEST FRIEND AGAIN!!
except- will she hurt me again? very possibly.
but as I have posted before, she's my milestone for measurement and what I have continuously tried to replace over & over again.
sigh.
but I am not going to let this cancel out any other new friendships that may be in the offering either.
older & wiser?
we'll see.

lunia, that stinks about the party being a letdown.
the mr has a totally great co-worker w/ a fabulous personality but it turns out his wife is quiet as a churchmouse-- painfully so- and even tho I'm dysfunctional, I can usually warm up & be outgoing to a point too but I can't seem to connect w/ her. in fact, I'd much rather hang w/ the husbands than try, but that's not what you do.

what is firefly? hopefully you & your boy will have better luck with that- let us know!
starship
anna- what sort of gym classes do you go to and how are they for meeting people?? im thinking of doing some stuff like that as soon as ive finished studying (and have more free time) so some ideas about the sort of thing to go for would be great:). (plus a little bit of toning-up wouldnt hurt right now)
i wish i had some siblings i was still close to/could hang out with. ive always been jealous of girls who have a close sister- like a ready-made best friend.

lunia I alwaysss worry what people will think of me/if i look or sound stupid too. definately an issue i wish i could resolve. i usually sit back and keep quiet with new people until i feel sure enough that they will probably like me/not be too judging. usually by then though its too late and their first impression of me has already been made. its good that youve set goals and are taking steps towards them though. i think i should do the same. and should probably have the same goal too because most of my closest friends are male:/. i never have someone i can just ring up to go shopping and other girly things which kinda sucks sometimes

freckle thats great:). someone called me their best friend recently too and i was over the moon about it. which sounds kinda sad but its been a while since ive been refered to as that by anyone. i have to keep reminding myself not to get to caught up in one person though and to keep making an effort with friends who arent so close to. i do tend to get comfortable with a small number of friends and then if something happens with them (a fall out/ moving away & so on) then im kinda left at square one:/

ive been invited to a party of someone who i havent seen for quite a while, and even when i did see them we didnt speak much- just hung around in the same circle. therell only be one person there i really talk to, a few who i know but not much, and the rest will be strangers. kinda not sure whether ill be able to convince myself to go haha. it might take some doing. im not being negative when i say im 99% sure i will feel awkward for at least the majority of it. theyre all quite loud confident people
gah, why does even the tiniest thing have to be an issue for me! i worry too much

hope you all had good days:)
lunia666
FireFly was a short lived but extremely good Sci Fi TV show written by Joss Whedon smile.gif
lunia666
[quote name='freckleface7' date='Jan 30 2009, 10:39 PM' post='231986']

lunia, that stinks about the party being a letdown.
the mr has a totally great co-worker w/ a fabulous personality but it turns out his wife is quiet as a churchmouse-- painfully so- and even tho I'm dysfunctional, I can usually warm up & be outgoing to a point too but I can't seem to connect w/ her. in fact, I'd much rather hang w/ the husbands than try, but that's not what you do


I have the same problem my BF best friend we have a lot in common and when the three of us get together we always have a good time. His wife she's a nice girl but we have little to nothing in common.
anna k
starship, I usually do a dance class, a weight class, and use the weights in the weight room. I've hung out with some girls from the dance class once, and get along well with the other women in one of the weight classes. It feels a bit funny that most of my local socializing has come from the gym classes, but I love talking to people and hearing about their lives, and it's been a great benefit to my life. I go about 3 nights a week, and if I don't feel like going out of boredom for the routine, I don't go, and work out at home.

I just went out on a day date with a guy today, but it was pretty quiet. He was very shy and reserved, and it felt awkward and quiet. We had a decent conversation, but no romantic chemistry. He wrote to me saying that he thought I was pretty but very shy. I wrote back saying I liked him more casually than romantically, and it was true that it felt very quiet, and we could hang out somewhere at a show, just platonically. He wrote to me that "You're so pretty. But I didn't feel romantic chemistry between us. But you're so pretty. I mean really," which was nice to read. So that's that.

Awww, freckle!!!!! Hugs!!!!!

I hope the party is OK for you, starship, even if you just know one person. Just go, and if you don't like it, leave after an hour or so. And I feel like a dork too whenever I feel shy with new people, or saying something that I think is funny but hoping it doesn't sound nerdy to others. I just tell myself that nobody really gives a shit.
lilacwine13
I went to a meetup for Firefly fans when I lived in Arizona, lunia, and it went well. I'm sure you and your boy will have a great time. If anything, there's always Joss Whedon stuff to talk about.

Glad to hear people are getting out and about, I have turned into a hermit and haven't really made much of an effort to try and talk to anyone. There isn't a whole lot going on with me right now and it makes me feel a little self-conscious around others, so I end up staying home and reading. Yep, I've been living up to the title of this thread very well. On the plus side, I have kept up with some people who don't live around here via email, that's been nice.


I was thinking about it recently and I realized that I'm afraid I'm either going to come across as too strange or random to people, so that's one of the reasons why I'm really reluctant to talk to others. Of course, the most logical thing to do is to accept not everyone is going to like me and try to find people who will appreciate what I have to offer, but that's easier said than done.
thirtiesgirl
Just thought I'd add my 'social weather report,' so to speak. I've been without a solid group of female friends since 2005. I was friends with a group of women for about 5 years when, due to life path changes and some of us growing apart, I eventually stopped hanging out with them. You'd think in a big city like Los Angeles, I'd have luck meeting new people, but as an introvert, it isn't so easy for me. For those of you who are introverts, too, you know what I mean. The the big city thing isn't such a boon either, since everyone's so spread out. I've placed platonic friendship ads on Craigslist in the past and had some responses from interesting women, and met potential women friends at Meetup.com group functions, but they all live so far away. It's hard to strike up a friendship and hang out with someone on a regular basis if they live 40 miles away from you. My one other woman friend, Kat, is currently working a cruise ship hostess job and docked with her ship in Florida, traveling every few weeks to the Caribbean. So she's not around to hang out with.

Point being, I've become a lonely soul with no social life to speak of and no one to hang out with. I've considered posting on Craigslist again, and possibly attending more Meetups. But my experience with those has been hit or miss. Being a self-proclaimed socially inept dork, I have the usual issues with meeting people and making friends. But at the last Meetup event I attended, where I did meet some interesting women who could potentially become friends, I was just so tired of the social scene, I ended up going home early and crashing out in bed.

I think part of it has to do with my current low-level depression that I haven't seen the long-distance guy in nearly 3 months. All I *really* want to do with my time is hole up in bed with him and not come out for 3 days. But that's not going to happen for another few weeks, and until then, I'm apparently supposed to remain an emotionally healthy, happy, active individual who effortlessly socializes with others. ...Right.

I can only fake it for so long. My tendency towards hermit-ism when I'm feeling depressed is taking over and I don't want to socialize with anyone. I'm two steps away from uttering bah, humbug at the next person who wishes me a good day.
freckleface7
lunch w/ my new friend yesterday went smashingly well.
yes I freaked & shook the whole time I was getting ready & driving, but after just a minute or 2 calmed down & was fine. and I Did tell her a very scant version of my anxiety, to explain if I had to take a pill or acted 'weird' that it wasn't her & that really, I was ok. and she was cool w/ it.
she didn't go shopping w/ me bc we both had colds but hers was much worse & she'd almost canceled on me so I told her it was totally fine if she wanted to skip it bc there were some things I Had to get. and then went to Hobby Lobby and bought 1/2 the paint supply section out I think, and she'd probably have been totally bored.

she's going to call me in a week or so & we'll go from there, but we never ran out of things to talk about & it felt really comfortable so I'm hopeful.
it's been a LONG time sinse I've made a new friend, amazing how you feel you forget how to do it.

and as much as I/we all crack on Facebook all the time?
it's been such a gift in the months I was really really sick & even now still, bc between here & there it kept me in contact w/ people while still allowing me to feel safe. sometimes it's a little depressing that I have more online friends than I do ones that live near me but still feel fortunate all the same.
starship
its good to hear what everyones upto and all your achievements:)

i always get nervous before going out. even if im just going to the shops a few thoughts of worry go through my mind and if im going ot a social event i'm terrible. once i get there though things are usually fine and i feel pretty annoyed with myself for getting so stressed. and even if things do go abit wrong its still never usually enough to justify all the worrying i did beforehand.

im seeing a friend for lunch tommorrow and then have some lectures but thats about it.

been feeling abit bad lately, i think ive been depressed again and my sleeping patterns have been terrible. and the guilt of sleeping all morning when i have loads i should be doing just makes me feel guilty and i end up more depressed. gah.

i dont have facebook! thats seems to be kinda unusual nowadays. the main reason is that i just cant be bothered and dont like the whole social-networking concept, but i also imagin that if i did my page (or whatever) would be pretty pitiful. most of my 'friends' would probably be aquantences or people i havent seen for years. i dont imagine it would be that fun comparing myself to the people i went to school with and all their amazing lives:/
anyway

thanks for the info anna. think im definately gonna join some sortof gym class as soon as my schedule eases up. not just for the social aspect but i needd some exercise and usually find it helps with break me out of a depressed mood too. also hoping to join a language class. not sure how good that would be for socialising but its something ive wanted to do for a while and anyone i might meet/confidence i might get is a bonus

oh and alot of the dates i go on seem to end up like the one anna described haha. the best dates for me are when ive known the person for a while so that they know that despite being quiet i do actually have some sort of personality! usually friends or guys ive chatted to via email beforehand. the loud guys keep pointing out how quiet i am and the quiet ones, well, they dont say much at all haha. i seem to do ok though when i want to so that side of things doesnt bother me much

thirties i tried posting on a site like craigslist once out of curiosity and- apart from having a laugh about the replies- didnt have any luck. why dont you try replying to some instead of posting yourself- you can be more picky and only choose people that you at least have some sort of chance of liking. Im the same when im depressed though- not wanting to see anyone or do anything beyond the essential. I find that taking a step to breakithat cycle is the hardest part but when i do im usually glad and things progress from there back to some sort of 'normality'.

does anyone in this thread live near each other? i always imagine it would be amazing to have a real-life friend in the same boat
tankgirl
This is my first time posting in this thread, but I always lurk here. I always feel like I connect with what you guys are saying but will never have cool meet ups to write about to contribute. I have been living here for 9ish months and have only made one friend. She is really cool and I surprised myself by initiating a conversation with her but it was easy since she was working in a place I frequented and was trying to get a job at. Well now we work together. But anyway, even though I have my boy to hang out with and roommates, I feel really lonely and wish to make a couple more friends but I am SO aqward. I meet people all the time that I think wold be cool to hang out with but never know about how to ask them to hang out/get their number from mutual friends (btw is that weird? getting someones number cause you want to hang out with them from a mutual friend) etc...

I am tragically quiet and aqward. There are tons of cool hang out type spots here but I am never motivated to go (maybe because it's cold!) or if I ever am, I'm too nervous to initiate a conversation with someone. I am also really broke right now, and have no car, so I can't get to many of the meet ups, and it's kinda weird asking people to hang out when I have a hard time meeting them anywhere. I've tried the dog park but I felt really aqward there too because I was younger and I'm kinda grungy and everyone that was there were middle aged businesspeople or rednecks (which I also sorta am tongue.gif ) and I feel like they were just sorta talking amongst themselves and didn't want to talk to the weird girl with the pit bull.

P.S. firefly is cool, I just recently watched all my roommate's discs plus Serenity.
anna k
Starship, going to my dance class makes me feel really happy afterwards, and is one of the highlights of my week.

I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, but don't let it eat you up inside or you'll feel worse.

tankgirl, you sound nice. It's hard to initiate meeting with people, or like this week, when I had a good conversation with an acquantince, walking away, then realizing that I should've asked her to hang out this week. I felt like a fool.

I'm glad you had a great lunch date, freckleface!
starship
hi tankgirl:) hope you stick around and post some more! even if you dont feel like you have much to input (meetups-wise) it's still nice to hear from similar people and you've probably got loads to add. oh and im terrible with the whole phone number thing. they should run some kind of course for the inept, teaching vital skills such as when it's acceptable to ask for a number:/.

im feeling better now thanks anna. i kinda go through spells of feeling really depressed which luckily dont usually last longer than a couple of days.

i had a bit of confidence boost yesterday. i went for lunch with a friend and one of their colleagues saw us and apparently said i was 'hot'. and then during lunch two italian guys were leaving the table as i was sitting down, one smiled at me, turned to his friend and said 'beautiful girl' nodding in my direction and then the friend nodded too:). i know its all pretty superficial but i get really self conscious and sometimes down about the way i look so things like that are nice every now and then

today at the beginning of my class i felt like part of the group and chatted along with everyone. sometimes in classes in the past ive just sat there awkwardly fiddling with papers wishing the teacher would hurry up whilst everyone else made conversation

nothing else to tell of. its friday night but im exhausted and looking forward to vegging out infront of a dvd. perfect

have a nice weekend everyone
anna k
That's so awesome to read that, starship! And twice in one day! You must be a gorgeous, striking young woman!
rubberdollz
You know Starship I can totally relate to how you feel in class. I remember when I was in college I actually dropped courses because the teacher told us we were going to be primarily in groups or that I would have to give a speech. I knew that standing in front of a class was not for me or sitting in a group. I always got pissed when someone would make it out like they could understand but just do it anyways. Sometimes you really can't... fear can have such a stronghold on things.

My husbands birthday is coming up soon and I'm kind of dreading it because he's trying to get a bunch of people together so we can all go out to a bar or something. I hate large crowds of people and I always get worried that whatever bar we will end up at is going to be packed and then I'll have to deal with too many people.

My dad invited my husband and I on vacation with the rest of the family to Disneyworld in April. I realized that it was over Easter break when all the damn kids are going to be off school. I ended up declining in fear of the crowds of people. I cannot see myself walking around with 40 million people everywhere... it really scares me and I'd probably become bitchy over it.
tankgirl
Thanks for the support guys. It's weird. Throughout high school I had a large group of friends (not really IN my school) because I was always the weird punk girl, and apparently it doesn't matter if you have people skills or not, being weird is insta cool for other punk/goth kids. Then it was the same in college. I had a lot of friends mainly because I went to art school and everyone was super awkward and geeky. Now that I am away from all of that I have no idea how to make new friends. And I think I hold onto friends I have had in college but can only send them snail mail and emails etc, can't hang out because everyone is so far.

I am also sorta depressed too. I think it's the winter blues. I really want to be outside but can't bring myself to do anything because I hate being cold.
foryoursplendor
I'm feeling for you, tankgirl. I also went to a high school where I was an oddball, but luckily I saw everyone there as small-minded (I grew up inner-city, but went to a high school in the middle of nowhere rural outback). Yay for art school, we've got that in common too.

You know what really sucks? Waking up in the middle of the night and remembering something that you said earlier that you think might have been taken totally wrong, or maybe it was just plain stupid. I do this every once in a while... and I hate it.

tankgirl
for your splendor! yeah for art school. I actually just watched your room tour thing and was thinking that I really like your paintings. The monster pointing reminds me of a painting I did in college. If I can find any photos I'll post em, the painting is at my moms house right now because it is about her and I thought upon moving and giving my paintings away that she should have it.

I totally dwell on things I say wrong in conversations, as well of things I should have said. I have to let myself know, that there is nothing I can do now to change it.

Oh, here's a photo of my studio in college. The painting is not in it, but I used lots of weird angle pointing stuff in these works in progress as an example.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y116/atan...okay/studio.jpg
foryoursplendor


Dear lord, does she know its about her? My mom would probably smack me, lol. Do you still have a studio? Those are some coool paintings. I'd like to see more, especially this notorious mother one.
starship
QUOTE(rubberdollz @ Feb 7 2009, 01:30 AM) *
You know Starship I can totally relate to how you feel in class. I remember when I was in college I actually dropped courses because the teacher told us we were going to be primarily in groups or that I would have to give a speech. I knew that standing in front of a class was not for me or sitting in a group. I always got pissed when someone would make it out like they could understand but just do it anyways. Sometimes you really can't... fear can have such a stronghold on things.

My husbands birthday is coming up soon and I'm kind of dreading it because he's trying to get a bunch of people together so we can all go out to a bar or something. I hate large crowds of people and I always get worried that whatever bar we will end up at is going to be packed and then I'll have to deal with too many people.


ive managed to stick with it (graduating soon!) but i remember a few years ago when i was looking into which course i could choose i instantly dismissed a few that were in the 'maybe' pile just because the prospectus overly emphasised the presentations etc that would be involved. youre right, its a shame that sometimes i let my fears can shape my life in such big ways.
oh, and im terrible in big groups too. i find it impossible to have any sort of input so usually just sit there trying to conceal my awkwardness until someone points out how quiet im being (at which point i feel even more awkward- i mean what the hell do you say whe someone points out how quiet you are- 'yeah, uh i know'?!?)

and i often dwell on conversations too tankgirl/splendor. even if nothing noteable happened during the conversation ill go back over what was said and start to worry that i said something wrong or shouldve said something different

im just a major over-thinker

been abit down and avoiding anything remotely social these last few days. made a few plans for later on in the week though so im not really bothered by it

tankgirl your paintings remind me of Kokeshi dolls:)
rubberdollz
"oh, and im terrible in big groups too. i find it impossible to have any sort of input so usually just sit there trying to conceal my awkwardness until someone points out how quiet im being (at which point i feel even more awkward- i mean what the hell do you say whe someone points out how quiet you are- 'yeah, uh i know'?!?)"

Holy lord Starship I totally know what you are talking about here! So at my work we have a total of 4 women that work there (including me). Prior to me starting there they had a tradition of going out for who's ever birthday it was, and when I started the tradition was kept on. I felt awkward going out in public but in some unfortunate way I felt obligated to say ok to going. It really sucked. This past time it was the older ladies birthday and she wanted to go to this Italian restaurant and I HATE Italian but I didn't want to be rude and say no because I felt like she'd take it as no f* you on your birthday. I don't really like the woman anyways so I knew it was not going to be a good lunch. It wasn't. I ended up sitting at the table with NOTHING to say, staring at the wall and eating a HORRIBLE meal.. the food was disgusting and I got a salad. If a restaurant can't even do a salad correctly then they should not even be open!

Anyways... we get back to the office and my friend asks me if I'm ok because I seemed so quiet at lunch. I told her that I just find those situations so uncomfortable and then I questioned if something was said between her and the other women and she said no. I thought the question was uncomfortable to answer and I don't really want to come out and say well I don't really like such and such because she's old and annoying. Why ask at all??? My friend knows how I am in social situations so it seemed odd to say anything at all.

It reminds me of when your face gets red over something and then some jerk off has to point it out and then your face gets redder. Thanks asshole, pointing it out is really what I needed. By that point your face is super bright red and there's no turning back at that moment.
starship
ahah so true about the going red thing! i didnt think i went that red until recently, but i'm uber pale and apparently the slightest blush is blindingly obvious
some people just have no tact. or are pure evilll

i hate to let you all down but i didnt go to the party last week. in my defence id had practically zero sleep all week topped-off by a hellova long day, and just couldnt face anything but bed....
anna k
Me too, starship! I'm pale and get pink after my dance class, it makes me feel sheepish and obvious. And I do the same of regretting something that I said or how I acted, thinking that I came off as shy or nerdy instead of outgoing or talkative. I try to improve and feel comfortable and be natural, but still doubt myself a lot, it's a crummy habit.

rubberdolz, that sucks that the situation was so bad, and that someone had to ask if you were "OK" because you were quiet. Keeping quiet is a way of deflecting attention and someone giving you that kind of worrying face just makes it worse.

I hooked up with a guy last Friday, at a horror movies meetup. I went to the meetup, and we talked a lot about horror films and our writing work, and even though he wasn't handsome/cute, I just felt drawn to him, and ended up kissing him later, then we fooled around for a couple of hours. I don't plan to see him again, but it felt really good, and I felt surprised that I could feel so confident and sexual and sure of myself, I didn't feel shy at all. Now I'm back to feeling like my shy self, but it was nice that I could feel that strong and also be seen as sexy by someone.

I had an off night last night in my dance class. I had been feeling good before, but when I got into the class I couldn't really get the dance, and felt so awkward doing it, and felt crappy. I had done well in the class before it, and vary with my style/skill with the dance moves, but I wasn't good, and I felt embarassed, even though I knew nobody cared.
rubberdollz
I'm super pale as well so when my face goes red it's bad... hell even my ears turn red and I have platinum hair that's short so everything shows.

When I workout my face gets really red and sweaty and it looks like my face is about to explode or something!

Anna K... I don't think it's bad that you hooked up with a guy no matter if he was attractive or not. It's not always the attractive guy that attracts us to them. Obviously he had a good personality that drew you to him and that's cool.

My husbands birthday is this weekend and it's kind of nerve racking to think about. We are supposed to be going to this restaurant bar and my biggest fear is if there is a huge crowd or the place is packed. It makes for an uncomfortable night when you can't even move in a place or find good seating. I'll say it's weird sometimes being married to someone who is so outgoing but then it's nice in a way because it forces me to get out. When I was single and living alone I really was a shut-in and it didn't bother me in the least. I had a friend always inviting me out to concerts and I wouldn't bother going because I was happy being at home.
tankgirl
I think I am going to go to a metal show next week by myself. I have never gone to a show by myself before, it sounds kinda lame to say it, but it's true. I'm sure it will be fine because it is a metal show, not like a club or anything.
starship
wow anna, you seem to be doing so well lately:). i think its great you hooked up with a guy. if you dont do so well in dance again perhaps you could kind of laugh it off and joke about it with someone closeby, sounds like a great ice-breaker and the type of thing that would make someone warm to you

going places on my own kinda freaks me out abit nowadays, id love to be able to though. sometimes i wanna do/see stuff but without all the socialising parts included. that makes me sound pretty miserable but heyho

the depression thread is kinda dead and i feel like a bit of an intruder popping in and out of there. so ill post here. the past week or so ive become crazily depressed. probably one of, if not thee, worst spell ive had. i feel completely hopeless and the weird part is that i dont even have that desire to snap out of it like i usually do. i feel kindof defeated and like i just wanna give up. theres so much weighing on my mind. everything's just ugh
anna k
Aww, thanks starship. That would've been nice to have laughed about it, but I was just feeling crummy about myself and not in a laughing/smiling mood, but I'll keep that in mind for next time.

I'm sorry you feel depressed, and I'm glad you can turn to here for support. I feel down too a lot, always making efforts to be busy and friendly and not closed-off, and can't stand feeling lonely. Or feeling insecure and having to snap myself out of it or grow out of it, and remember good things friends have told me.

tankgirl, that sounds awesome that you're going to a metal show by yourself. I hope you have a lot of fun. smile.gif

I wrote about in the crush thread that I like a guy in my dance class, but felt shy when talking to him, not looking at him in the eye. About a month ago, I came up to him and told him he did well in the class (he was new to it), and he smiled and said, "It's not my best." I shrugged and said that was OK, but I got shy and looked at him then down while speaking. I felt bad about it later, feeling like I made a bad first impression, and now I don't talk to him, nor does he to me. But when I see him get along well with my dance friends, it makes me feel embarassed that I was so shy, like I came off as odd. I'd like to say hi or be casual with him, but then I assume that he thinks I'm weird or doesn't like me (even though I barely know him).
rubberdollz
Starship... I think feeling depressed right now kind of goes with the season. It's a depressing time of year right now. I totally understand too. My husband and I just got our taxes done last weekend and it was bad news. He got down and so did I just from the news and it's been hard snapping out of it since. We are trying to think of some options right now to help us get out of this debt we have. He's still got a few more years of school and the income is just really hurting us right now.

Anna K... the guy probably thinks you think he's weird just as much as you think he thinks you are weird. It's so much easier said then done but if you ever get the balls up, go say hi. I don't think you made a bad first impression, you are shy and that is an intriguing quality to have to some men. Unfortunately being socially awkward makes us think WAY too much into these situations. Trying to figure out if someone even likes us just by the first hello. Ugh.

Tankgirl... you go girl. I don't think I'd ever have the balls to go to a metal show alone, but then again the metal shows around here were in a bad part of town and it was bad enough going with friends. Good luck!
anna k
The winter is depressing. Cold and gray, bundled up in dark coats, I just want spring to come already to feel happy and free.

Thanks rubberdollz, that's good advice. I just felt shy and felt like an ass about it.
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