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thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(tankgirl @ Feb 18 2009, 11:04 PM) *
I think I am going to go to a metal show next week by myself. I have never gone to a show by myself before, it sounds kinda lame to say it, but it's true. I'm sure it will be fine because it is a metal show, not like a club or anything.

I do this a lot, going to shows and clubs on my own. How I usually manage to handle myself is by going to the bar and getting something to drink before I stake my place on the floor or find a place to sit. That way, I at least have something to do, even if it's as innocuous as holding my drink. I also drink slow so I'm not tempted to go to the bar and get another (well, ok, my limit is two), so I can drive home without incident. Then again, I'm usually going to shows in small clubs or theaters, so it's a little harder to blend into the crowd than at a larger venue.
twelve_percent
My friend who shall remain nameless (but who is godly in stature and has skin like a baby's bottom) was talking to me the other day.

I told him his penis is probably small because no man as good looking as him has a large penis. It's too much of a good thing.

He said that the average size of a penis was 5 inches. I disagreed and said 6. We had this whole hilarious discussion with my poor friend Resa in the room who has a HUGE crush on him.

We came to a conclusion that 6 was closer to the average number but he was still right because cha cha said it was 5-7 inches. Shortly after I had to leave the room and my poor friend was left to bare the uncomrtable silence.

I love awkward situations!!!
anna k
I just wanted to thank you guys for all your great support and helpful advice in me gaining more confidence. Just over this past month, I changed some social habits (like being more empathetic to people and really listening to someone) and I felt so much more included and involved in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I have my little crush, but have worked to be less shy with guys by having a date (with a guy who was into me) and a hookup within the same month, as well as smiling more and not looking down in shyness, and feeling more self-assured and not full of self-doubt. I feel like I've grown up more this month, and you guys have been great in giving me direction and being more mature. So thank you!
starship
QUOTE(anna k @ Feb 22 2009, 10:52 PM) *
I just wanted to thank you guys for all your great support and helpful advice in me gaining more confidence. Just over this past month, I changed some social habits (like being more empathetic to people and really listening to someone) and I felt so much more included and involved in conversations with friends and strangers alike. I have my little crush, but have worked to be less shy with guys by having a date (with a guy who was into me) and a hookup within the same month, as well as smiling more and not looking down in shyness, and feeling more self-assured and not full of self-doubt. I feel like I've grown up more this month, and you guys have been great in giving me direction and being more mature. So thank you!


...and thank youu for being so inspiring with your recent social shenanigans:)

ah i wish i had the guts to go to a gig by myself. one dayy..

my depression has eased off abit today. i had to go out for lectures and decided on an impromptu shopping trip on the way home. a new bag, two tops, a magazine and some chocolate does wonders for a crappy mood. i just need to keep myself busy and try not to let myself sit around and dwell.
anna k
Back again. Rubberdollz, I took your advice, and it worked great!

I didn't see the guy in the dance class, but saw him in the second class. At the end of it, we were waiting on line to put back equipment, and I ended up standing behind him. I just took a little breath and said hi, but my voice came out softly. He turned to look at me, and looked both happy and surprised, a nice recognition. I asked if he was going to do Thursday's dance class, and said he would, and mentioned that the instructor asked that too, saying something like "I didn't think i was missed." I said, "You're a nice . . . . (trying to find right word) . . . addition to the class." He said he usually sucks, and I said I sucked too, especially last week, and told him how we danced to Tribe Called Quest's Scenario and it was a lot of fun. And it all felt really comfortable and nice, and I liked looking at him in the eye and feeling so confident and self-assured and relaxed. Then at the end he held the door open for me but had his head down. I just said good night and walked on.

It also felt good to have a casual chat with the boyfriend of one of my dance friends, as I hadn't seen either of them in a few months, and I said he looked different with his new haircut (not in a bad way). I was surprised he remembered my name (he said it a couple of times), but he might've asked his girlfriend what my name was too, not from memory. It still felt nice though.
rubberdollz
Woo hoo... you go Anna K!!!

Actually I think that was pretty good that you made good conversation and you complimented him too. You gave him a quick little intrigue and then you walked away. It sounds like a good night for you. A little bit goes a long way.

Very gentlemany of him to open the door for you as well! That says a lot about someone.

I remember when I first met my (now ex husband) and he had opened the door for me to let me in and then I reached over to unlock his door for him. He got in and was like wow! You aren't a bitch! I was kind of shocked at first to hear that but then he told me that unlocking the door for him was a really nice thing to do and not a lot of girls do that. It's amazing sometimes the little things that we forget to do for people, like we are losing all sense of just being nice.
starship
yay anna:)
it sounds like the convo couldnt have gone much better to me. you should be really proud of yourself! it was really brave of you to start off a conversation with him- thats usually the hardest part. it sounds like he's abit shy too so perhaps thats why you thought he was abit off with you in the past? Maybe he'll feel more comfortable talking to you in the future now you've broke the ice a little more:)

i cant stand bad manners either rubberdollz! I notice it alot as i live in a big city where the motto seems to be 'each for themselves'. It's sad because small gestures can be all it takes to make someones day
tankgirl
yay for Anna k for talking to the dance class guy! I love reading all your posts, you seem like such an cool person.

I have been really sick for the past week and yesterday was the worst of it but I still went to the metal show, by myself even! I am really proud of myself even though it sounds lame. I have never been to a show by myself before and now I think I am hooked. I felt like I enjoyed it much more alone because I wasn't worried about paying any attention to anyone but band. I even rocked out harder than I have since I was a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone though, not necessarily a bad thing. I only recognized a few people there that I vaguely know from parties and such, not like I have been to many since moving here. One guy I recognized because I think he came into my work and also had a pit bull. I think he recognized me too but we didn't say anything to each other. Ah well, next time I guess. I had a really good time and I really needed it.
anna k
tankgirl, I am so proud of you! It sounds like you had an awesome time at the job, and just didn't care what anyone thought. That is fantastic and just badass, girl.

starship, I agree on good manners making the difference. I like it when someone says thank you or holds the door for me, or just takes any kind of consideration for someone else, and I enjoy doing the same for others, it's just a personal connection for a moment.

rubberdollz, did your husband see A Bronx Tale? There's a part where a teenage boy is instructed on how to tell if a girl is "the one," and it's a test to see if she'd unlock the man's car door out of consideration when he locks her car door.

Thank you for all your kind words. It really made me happy to talk so casually and with total comfort after having felt so shy and withdrawn, and I was surprised that he was so friendly and receptive towards me, as we hadn't talked much before. My little compliment was meaning that there aren't many guys in the class, so it's nice to see guys there, break up the motonony of all-female environments (which is great, but it's nice to see new faces). It just felt good to not feel down or shy and to feel more vibrant and friendly.
rubberdollz
Anna K... you know I couldn't tell you if the ex had seen that movie? hahaha... but after you described that as a scene in it probably figures that he would take something like that from a movie. He is/was a total scene hopper even when we were together so it kind of shows how unoriginal he can be.

You know I want to give props to all you ladies who are able to go out and do some of these social events on your own. When I was single and living on my own I really became a shut-in, but it never bothered me. I didn't mind coming home from work, making dinner and chilling out in front of the tv for the rest of the night. The weekends I would hang at my parents or maybe see my sister and my nephews. When it came to social events I didn't bother and was happy to not go. I had a roommate for a short period and he was in a band, he would bug me all of the time to come out with him but I just didn't want to... it wasn't my thing to do. He was way more social then me.

Now being married my husband is a very social guy and likes to be out at shows and I just don't want to go. So many of the girls of the guys he knows always ask where I'm at and he tells them I'm sleeping. I don't get why he just doesn't tell them I don't want to be there? They aren't my friends so I don't give a shit what they think. It's weird. To me my weekends are my time to get things done around the house that I didn't have a chance to do during the week because of work, going out is just tiring and boring. Man... you'd think I was a hermit!
anna k
I had a casual conversation with the dance class guy. I talked to him after class, and it was brief but nice. I said hi to him, and he went, "Oh hi, how're you doing?" just as I said "How'd you like the dance class?" He said it was fine, but the choreography is too fast for him, and he hadn't been there in a while. I said, "Were you just tired?" He went, "Naaah, just busy the last couple of weeks." I didn't ask any more, talking about how I could do the choreography, but felt sloppy with it. He finished the conversation by smiling and going, "Well, the dance class isn't going anywhere," like saying he can afford to miss it and come back. I just liked he was smiling and joking with me and was nice, though I felt a little shy, like kind of dorky for liking the dance class so much or seeming weird for going every week.

But I did like the class, I especially liked doing some floor work that felt really challenging, like handstands or doing some complicated leg work. It just makes me feel good to be there, and I've gotten more into dance culture, like going to shows, watching America's Best Dance Crew, or a Jerome Robbins documentary.

Added later: Sometimes I feel dumb writing about these things. It's simple chatter, nothing more, yet made me feel happy afterwards, and I liked feeling confident and comfortable, but then feel dumb about being happy about something so simple and meaningless. But I figured that I can use this confidence with other guys, like with dating or going to other meetups. I'm going to a writer's meetup Monday night to get more into writing and meet new people for a night.
rubberdollz
Ok Anna K... what you are talking about is not dumb and meaningless, it's actually important. Like you said this is what may help you to get more confidence to talk to more people and possibly one day to get the balls to ask a guy out. This is super important!

It's ok that you liked the class and like going every week so don't feel weird that you are there all the time and he's kind of part-timing it. It may just not be that high on his priorities which is no big deal.

I don't know if you are interested in pursuing him but if so... you may try to weed in a little conversation about happy to see him there. Like a well it's nice when you are here, so maybe try to make it a little more....
anna k
Yeah, it's a fun hobby for me to go to the class, but I can see why someone else wouldn't be as into it. Whatever, apples and oranges.

I'm not interested in dating him, it would feel weird and uncomfortable for me, and possibly ruin the friendly atmosphere.

I've used this interest to go out on a date and hook up with a guy, and that gave me more confidence to talk to him, and it made me feel happy afterwards. So that's good.
starship
its not dumb anna! i like hearing all the little interactions youve had. im the same and always feel good after having relaxed casual conversations with people too. other people do it all the time without thinking twice, but for me its always like a little achievement and confidence boost.

tankgirl thats awesome:). definately gonna give it a go myself sometime

ermm ive been pretty unsociable lately. but we had to visit some place for one of my classes and its a small group so i manage to be part of the group and convos etc which was nice. i didnt feel like the awkward hang-on person for a change
monday im seeing a friend and tuesday someone from uni asked if i want to come on this group tour type thing around the city. it has a theme but i cant remember what haha, i just decided that i should say yes more and so agreed to go regardless.

love to you all
anna k
I went to a writing workshop last night, courtesy of meetup.com. It was good to listen to other writers talk about their lives and work, whether they still had publishing jobs or not, though the workshop leader didn't offer any jump-off exercises like I wanted. We free-wrote for a half hour, and I wrote about a French film called Read My Lips that I had just seen again since 2001, and got more analytical with it. I got a good response, though I thought I'd get more constructive criticism to make it better. It was just a different evening for me, being in a new place and working more on my creative work.
tankgirl
That's cool anna k. I wish there were meet up groups that I could be a part of in my area. All the ones on the site are for things I'm not interested in. The only one I would be slightly interested in is a vegan one but it is for moms only I think. The only animal ones are for breed specific people. And there are hiking ones, but I am just not sure since I don't have a car to go to remote hiking places with people. I feel like I am making excuses for myself to not socialize.
anna k
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anna k
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anna k
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lilacwine13
I visited a few people I met through work and they went well. A couple times I didn't know what to say, but overall, I managed to act like a somewhat normal person. One of the friendships is evolving into a friends with benefits situation, which is a new thing for me. Unfortunately, everyone I know and like live so far away that it's difficult to keep in touch and hang out on a regular basis.

Right now I'm keeping up with people on Facebook and Myspace, which is good in some ways and not so good in other ways.
mumblestutter
there are many, many very cool things happening this weekend. but i'm afraid i won't go to any of them because i'm too shy to go out by myself. i feel like a creep-ball standing around without anyone to talk to. especially when there are people there who i know, but for what ever reason, don't feel like having a conversation with me.

i need to find buddies to go do things with. but it's hard to do when i'm afraid & stay in.
starship
hey ladies

depresseddd

no area of my life is good right now
family- i love them but feel like there all in some big gang and i'm not part of it. I'm sick of being the loser who doesnt fit in. im the ugly one; the one with pasty skin, no boobs, imperfect teeth, plain face, can't see a thing without lenses, scrawny limbs, rubbish hair. the one they put unflattering photos of on facebook to make themselves look better. the black sheep
friends- plenty of acquaintances, people who i've gathered along the way, people who vaguely keep in touch... but no real friends
work- just about to graduate and for various reasons can't even bear to go to the ceremony.so i'm not. no idea whatsoever what to do with the rest of my life
relationships- got fucked up by one guy a year ago and have stayed that way since. i make men fall in love with me to convince myself i'm worth something then i get scared and run away and feel like a bitch. i don't want to get emotionally involved because once they find out how ugly and messed up i am they'll want someone new.

wrong thread but i don't like the others

socially, been too busy taking exams and finishing dissertations. spent some time with some of my family which i love but it shatters my confidence. I'm supposed to be seeing one or two people for catch-ups but really don't want to. wanted to re-join the gym but I'm undergoing the transformation from student to unemployed jobseeker so probably best if I didn't have gym fees to pay right now. I have some gigs to go to but don't want to go with any of the people that would be willing to go with me. any inept busties in london??
need to make changess
girltrouble
(((((((((star))))))))
candycane_girl
It's late and I should be asleep but instead I'm still up and feeling very upset.

Lately I feel so alone. Things with cc_boy are great but in terms of friends I feel like I have none. I feel like each time I move onto something else (ie. starting college, moving to the big city) whatever group of friends I have gets left behind.

I guess the best way to illustrate it is to go through the various groups of friends.

High school friends: we were pretty close and hung out right up until I left my hometown. Now none of them really keeps in touch with me. One of the guys, D, I was really close with. We actually dated for a few months but it didn't work out. Anyway, any time I go home I usually only see him if he's working at the grocery store. I sometimes wonder if I'm out of the group because of something that happened. There was one girl in the group, L, who I didn't really get along with. We called each other friends but I felt like she was always bitchy, especially toward me. Anyway, I had wanted L, D and L's bf and I to get together for dinner a few nights before I left town. L and her bf were available but D wasn't so I decided not to go out and made plans with a different friend. However, I actually forgot to call L. So as my friend and I were walking out of the restaurant I ran into L and realized my mistake. She seemed pissed but at that point I didn't care. Now I feel like other people in our group of friends have basically been ignoring me ever since. Like, maybe L told them what happened and now they think I'm a bitch or something. So much for group number one.

College friends: once again, these were more friends that I hung out pretty regularly with. But once I left town it was like we just didn't talk. One girl now lives in a small town and is newly married. I wasn't invited to her wedding. Another girl in the group has been traveling around the world so I don't feel so bad about not keeping in touch. As for the one I was closest with, R, the last time I was in town we had lunch and it was kind of boring and awkward. I mean, it was okay but it felt like we didn't have much in common.

Best gay friend: I went to college with BGF as well but we were kind of in different circles. But we were really close. Anyway, we both moved to Toronto and he literally is a five minute WALK from me. Around last year though he never seemed to be returning my calls or emails. Finally I gave up and thought "fuck him". Then on my birthday he sent me a happy birthday text. I had deleted his number and actually had to ask who it was. We've hung out twice since my birthday and both times were awkward. Once again, it's like we no longer have anything in common. He works and spends all his free time at gay bars and I'm in school. I remember at one point saying that we should go to a gay bar together and he said that women weren't really that welcome in them (very different from the gay bar in our hometown) and that we should do something else. It also pissed me off that whenever I said we should hang out he always said "oh, i'm broke" whereas I meant we could just hang out at my apartment and talk or watch a movie or something.

And now for the worst one of all. I almost feel like I should be posting in the "I have a bone to pick with you" thread. I feel like my best friend is ignoring me. The last time I was home (almost a week) we didn't hang out at all. I didn't bother calling her because I felt like the time before that I had to chase after her just to hang out. I was there for two weeks and we hung out for maybe two hours after I texted and phoned her numerous times. So the last time I was there I wanted to see if she would bother contacting me and she didn't. Keep in mind that our houses are across the street from each other! We can always see our families coming and going. Anyway, a few days ago I posted on her wall that I would be home in two weeks and we should hang out. And so far nothing. Absolutely no response. I'm at my wit's end. Should I say something? Or should I just try to hang out and if she agrees then not bring it up? Ugh, maybe I'll expand on this in the other thread.

Sorry for the novel. I wish I could give a cookie to whomever reads the whole thing.
Persiflager
Hey starship! Bunny, Mornington and I are all in London, PM me if you want to hang out.

nom nom nom, coooookiesssss....

I think you need some better friends, ccgirl! Well, maybe that's unfair to them, but it's certainly not your fault.

How did you meet all these friends? I found that I lost touch with a lot of college friends when I graduated, but the ones that I kept were the ones I met through clubs and had more in common with that the ones who, say, just lived near me.

I guess what I'm saying is don't write off the old friends, but put your energy into finding new kick-ass friends who'll appreciate you! Some of the old ones will make the effort to stay in contact with you, and it'll happen a lot sooner when you're not thinking about it. Also, don't worry too much about things seeming boring/awkward - I've often gone through that stage in friendships when I haven't seen friends for a long time, and it's usually been worth persevering.
candycane_girl
Thanks, persi. I pretty much met all of my friends in class. Right now I've been really close to two girls here at uni but I'm worried about what will happen once we graduate in two years. Like, maybe I'll lose those friendships as well. In fact, I'm already a bit upset because one of my friends here is transferring to another school in another city because she wants to study something different.

I guess I don't need that many friends but I kind of feel like I have Sex and the City syndrome. Honestly, who wouldn't want three best friends to hang out with all the time and be close with?

I think I would be okay with only having a few friends if we hung out regularly. cc_boy honestly has only two friends in the city but he hangs out with them every week. That's what I want. It's what I used to have with my best friend.

I'm also annoyed at another friend K. A few months ago he started seeing this girl and he hasn't hung out with me and my friend M since his birthday (which was at the end of May!). I'm so sick of people getting a boyfriend or girlfriend and disappearing.
candycane_girl
Okay, now I kind of feel like an ass. Best friend just responded to my facebook wall post and said that we should definitely make a date.

However, I'm still annoyed that she believes in spending almost all her free time with her boyfriend (I have a bad feeling about him) and that I always have to make the first move.

Does anyone else feel like they always have to make the first move? I look at some people around me and they are the kind of people that everyone wants to be with. They log onto msn and everyone messages them, they always get invited out. I don't know why some people have it and some people don't.
anna k
You don't have to feel like an ass, ccgirl. I have two friends who say stuff like "We should hang out sometime! Call me!" and I leave a message, then don't hear back from them for a week or so. My sister told me people can be flaky, or forgetful, or get busy with other things, and not to take it personally, just move on.

Right now, my closest friend is a guy I met through OKCupid, who was attracted to me but we get along better as friends. He's very smart and funny and sarcastic, and he's a good confidante to have besides talking to my sister and mom. I have acquantinces at work and dance class, but I'm not really close with them, just for nice conversations and having fun with each other's company. I've worked a lot over these past several months to improve my social skills and be a better listener, and it's been really good.

ccgirl, I agree. Sometimes I want to be a girly girl with bunch of girlfriends where we do girly stuff, but that's never been me. The people I get along best with as friends have always been offbeat or nerdy, or being artistic and nerdy in some combination. I felt closer with them, and they would contact me to hang out, and I felt much more open than when I feel like a shy nerdy girl amongst outgoing women.
designermedusa
Anna, the people I have always been friendly with would be considered offbeat as well. To me people like that are more interesting.

I was saying to my sister the other day that I don't go girl talk. Even in high school I never talked about boys and dating and blah. I don't have an interest in that. This sometimes makes it difficult finding female friends.

I am just very lazy about making friends to be honest, but one of my excuses is my sister is my best friend. We are twins, and really have almost all the same interests, but we do have a few differences. I think when you have a twin, and you get along, it's kind of like why bother trying to meet other people. My husband understands the bond I have with my sister, but I'm sure it's difficult for him sometimes (perhaps feeling out of place).





candycane_girl
Oh, I definitely don't need SATC style conversations! But really, the thought of having three best girlfriends that I meet for brunch every weekend and can talk to about anything is kind of a fantasy for me.

Does anyone else ever feel like their friends find a significant other and suddenly that person just disappears? It's like, why does everyone have to pair off? I don't mind people bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends along some of the time but sometimes I just want friend time. I love having cc_boy in my life but I'm not going to suddenly bring him along whenever I go out with friends.

dm, I had a roommate who had a twin and it was kind of interesting because the one time her twin visited she just seemed so different! I don't know how to describe it but it was like, when they were together she was a different person. Not in a bad way though.
Persiflager
I give friends a 6 month 'honeymoon' period during which I expect them to be sickeningly anti-social. After that, if they don't start picking up the slack, I stop making the effort.

I've found that most of my friendships go in cycles where who's making the effort varies depending what else is going on in our lives.

I've always liked singing in choirs because it means we have a set weekly time to hang out together, and we generally socialise afterwards (partner-free!). Are there any clubs or societies you might be interested in joining?
candycane_girl
Well, if it's a six month grace period then he's only got 4 months left. I will admit that when my friend M first started dating her ex, she kind of fell off the map as well. As for my other friend, C, she seems to think that this is what you're supposed to do when you are serious about someone. "We make all our plans together and I spend way more time with him than with my friends. I hardly see my friends anymore." She said something along those lines and all I could think was, "How is that a good thing?"

Anyway, I rented the movie I Love You, Man this weekend and I related to it sooooo much! At least I have a few friends rather than none. But I could especially relate to the scene when Paul Rudd is talking to the guys he fences with and they pull the whole "We would have invited you BUT". I've been there.
Persiflager
Nah, that's not a good thing! Call me cynical, but after a few break-ups I think that my friendships are likely to last longer than most relationships. I'm all in favour of letting a new romance blossom, but not at the expense of all other relationships.
freckleface7
ccg don't be so hard on yourself for old friendships not surviving the test of time.
people change. YOU change.
tell me there hasn't been at least one friendship in your life you pointedly let die for your differences?
the last few years I've done that several times as I've gotten more confident in myself once I realised that things were not mutually beneficial or satisfying.

I made a new friend a few weeks ago,the mom of one of frecklette's friends.
she seems so cool & we've gone to a movie & dinner first and are going to a piano bar this friday as well.
but it seems as if I'm the one 'in charge' and I hate that. I hate being the one who calls. it makes me feel pushy & obnoxious.

my bff is a flake. not a new revalation by any means, but she'll be really Strong & Present for awhile & very into our friendship, and then will begin to fade out. and it's not bc she's busier than usual, it's just her way.
consistently unreliable until she comes back again. it's weird & sometimes hurtful but it's like it or leave it.

I too would love to have a reliable group of friends to hang w on a regular basis but do not think it's going to be in the cards for me. I'm not a good group person when it's all women.
the mr & I are going to another party this weekend w/ all his co workers & their wives & I think I feel ok about it.
I just need to remember to not have any expectations beyond not giving a damn what anyone thinks of me & I oughta be fine. cool.gif
anna k
QUOTE
my bff is a flake. not a new revalation by any means, but she'll be really Strong & Present for awhile & very into our friendship, and then will begin to fade out. and it's not bc she's busier than usual, it's just her way.
consistently unreliable until she comes back again. it's weird & sometimes hurtful but it's like it or leave it.


Same with a friend of mine, who is busy with work, but will contact me and say "We should hang out!" I don't take it personally if I receive answers to messages a few days later.
epinephrine
I've got some serious work to do on my social skills and relationships. I'm definitely feeling like a big, old, socially inept dork. I just don't know how to get close to people right now. It seems like all the people I want to spend more time with can't be bothered with me, whereas all the people who do want to hang out and actually make an effort are really, really difficult people who drain all my energy and who I actually dislike a lot of the time. I hate being judgemental and picky about my friends, and I know from experience that I'm not a great judge of character, so I tend to just let my friends pick me and hope for the best. I will make an effort if I find someone interesting, but my efforts go largely unreciprocated, and I'm getting very discouraged. Lately, I've been trying to cull the energy-sucking friends from my life, but it's proving to be very difficult. They're resiliant little fuckers. And I've recently moved to a new town and after two months I still have not made a single friend. I haven't done any socializing at all. I just work and go home. I've gone from shy to reclusive, and I need people right now more than ever. It sucks.

I'll have to continue this post later - work calls.

(((everybody)))
candycane_girl
Thanks, freckle. I know I can be pretty hard on myself.

I'm feeling a bit pissed off. I left a message on one of my friend's facebook walls and she hasn't responded to it. The kicker is that she has responded to all of her bf's messages. Also, she's usually not like that. I'm annoyed that I called my friend K last Friday (and sent him an email) and he still hasn't bothered to respond. He's the one who is lost in new relationship land. Also I called my friend M on Monday and she didn't call back which is really out of the ordinary for her. I don't know if maybe her bf just deleted my voicemail or what.

Also, I'm like you freck, I hate being the one to call! I feel resentful. Like, why do I have to chase people down? Why won't they just come to me? And I know that might sound crazy but I know a few people (my brother included) who seem to attract people like flies to honey. It's just weird. It's like, they have this intense charisma that makes everyone want to be around them. I want it.
candycane_girl
freck, I was thinking a bit more about what you said about letting friendship die and I did do that with my friend R. Now I'll be the first to admit that I love going out dancing or even just to a pub and having a few too many. But with R it often felt...juvenile. I remember one time we got into a cab and she just started screaming. Not screaming as if she was afraid or had hurt herself, but in the way a 2 year old does it just because she likes the way it sounds. There were so many times that I actually lost her (luckily usually someone else in our group would find her and take her home) and the next day she wouldn't remember anything at all. It got to be way too much and I felt like I was babysitting so once I moved away I didn't keep in touch that much.

I'm still feeling sad about my friend, I guess I'll call her KE because K is already taken. She's transferring to a different school this semester. I find it funny that I could relate so well to someone 5 years younger than me but I do. She's goofy and silly and lots of fun to be around but we can also talk about more serious things. I wish she was just there for school but she said straight out that this city isn't for her. I always find it baffling when someone doesn't like living here but to each her own.

Also, I called M again last night and she was sick so she had forgotten to call me back. In a few days I'll be off to my hometown for a week and I think it will be a nice distraction. Also, I'm hoping that when I get back I can start hanging out more with certain people in my program.
freckleface7
ccg: age, esp as you start to mature, doesn't matter as much as it once did.
I have any # of friends that are up to even 20 years older than me now-- so look at it from Their point of view in regards to me, lol. I value them for their expereince and wisdome & sometimes for their levity at knowing now what really matters so I don't take everything so seriously.
and there are all of you here. I'm one of the More Ma-ture BUSTies but I adore so many of you so dearly.friendships don't really have an age limit eh.

tonight. it was literally monsooning out & road visibility was down to nil so just getting To the restauraunt was a challenge, and of Course it stopped raining once we were in.
dinner was good and then we walked around & into several shops & meandered back to the piano bar to wait for the show to start.
everything was cool for awhile, til I started having a anxiety attack (she didn't know til later as she went out to smoke & I popped some pills while she was gone) but was able to fight through it w/out having to leave .
the show was good, mysoginistic, but good, but after the 3rd time she went out/came back she was acting funny & finaly asked to leave about an hour after that. I'm not really sure what happened.. she said she's just got stuff going on & I told her I was here to listen if/when she wanted to talk & then we changed the subject as we drove home & everything semed ok then.
.. now that I'm home I'm afraid I maybe said something stupid to her?
she asked me at one point in the evening if I had ever hung w/ any other black people and I said 'tons' bc that's true, but I also said ' listen if I ever say anything stupid or rude Please Call Me Out On It bc it's totally not ever meant.'

ok now I am TOTALLY freaking out about what Other dumb stuff I might have said ?
sad.gif going to re-focus my brain & stop being paranoid now.
maud I hope that wasn't it?!
anna k
Don't worry about it, freckleface. I regret stuff I say, then later on move on and realize they don't really care or are concerned with other things, and just improve the next time I see them. I doubt you said anything dumb, it may be her own personal things on her mind.

candycanegirl, it is annoying being the one to ask people to hang out, to be proactive. I would do it once or twice, then just leave it to them to make the next move, wanting to just move on and not be needy or waiting for them. It's worked out fine, as a couple of friends would call me asking to hang out, and I would, depending if I was busy or not. And my brother has that same charisma, he's very inviting, very much a people person, and I can be friendly, but not as open until I warm up to someone.

This week has been good for being social. I enjoy having conversations with women in my dance class, and spent tonight watching two horror films with a horror film fan group, where we ripped on the films and had fun, I liked nerding out on horror movie trivia with the others.
sevenseconds
Have to admit I am one of the "bad friends" you guys are complaining about.

I'm extremely reclusive but when circumstances lead me out of my den, can be very outgoing as well, so once in a while it just happens that I click with a person and we become inseparable for a while. Then after a while my natural inclination to be on my own takes over and unless the other person is the same way, they end up feeling abandoned and hurt...

So I've learned to let myself strike that intense and deep-sharing kind of friendship (not even talking lovers here, just friends) only in cases when I know that circumstances will have us split soon - either we're briefly visiting each other's country or it's a seminar or something. It's like a coping strategy against being the asshole, I guess. I am not proud of it, but i was brought up in a very sketch family, in a big city where most encounters are brief and emotionally undemanding in the long term, so I just don't have the need OR capacity for that kind of daily sweet sharing. Although when cc_girl was describing the 4 best friends scenario, something in me totally fluttered, like I'd like to have that, be that woman, so much... But don't know that I am capable. I am more often than not the one who doesn't return the call for weeks or months ; (
Unless it's an s.o.s. of sorts. If these friends I have.. um, loved and left, suddenly need me, if something weird is going on, I bounce right back into the friendship and I am really good with emotional first aid/ fighting an abusive ex off etc... But the day to day, shopping/ doing pedicures together... There is no spot in me that resonates with that. I'm like a bad weather friend. The moment the going gets easy, I fade.
Which is a pity because in the rare cases when I do let myself strike a friendship, it is really deep and easy and beautiful, like two caravans in the desert exchanging salt and water and vital maps and formulas for survival and even relative happiness. But I've learned to restrain my natural instincts to reach out and hold and share just because I know how weird it will make them feel afterwords, when my apathy and need for solitude returns... Both are too intense for the difference not to hit them hard.

Just wanted to toss a p.o.v. from the other end of the spectrum in here.


7s
freckleface7
things are looking up for me socially lately .
sinse I am co-coordinating a good friend's wedding (which you will def hear me whine & complain about in various other threads rolleyes.gif ) I am getting sucked up into all & everyone that is involved with it. it's nice in a way however, bc the bride looks to me as somone she Knows she can count on & it's bringing us closer while at the same time expanding my people circle.

the big thing though, is that the mr's work is sponsoring a Spouses Retreat Weekend & I have taken the initive to call the other wives of the guys he works directly with to see if they'd like to go as a small group.
so far the responses have been positive. one woman even said ' I'm definately interested bc it's with you." how seriously sweet is that ? cool.gif

there is one downside to this however, and it's that there's 1 more wife I've yet to call, bc her personality rubs me the wrong way & I am not alone in that consensus.
as I am making an attempt to gather our small group in a bit more cohesively (you understand this yes rudder?)
I cannot then in good faith leave her out, even though I know it runs a very high risk of really annoying everyone. but the guys wil no doubt talk about it (& probably plan some drinking & debauchery in our shared absenses).
so I'm thinking... I Will call her, but not yet.
like, a week or so before the retreat.
the information was put out to everyone, so maybe she already knows about it.

- am I a heel?
the super neurotic reject everyone before they get a chance to reject Me inept Dork feels bad for her, bc I have been honestly suprised at the good reponses I've gotten. I am always so afraid that I'm That Person.
epinephrine
I'm going back home in 3 weeks after 4 months away, and none of my friends are returning my messages. I'm hoping to have a party when I come home to kick off my new life, but now I'm wondering if anyone will show. I'm the queen of failed parties. I try to organize them all the time, and I'm lucky if three people show. I thought this one might possibly work out, because I've had so much time to plan ahead and give people notice, but...nobody's really been returning my efforts to keep in touch. I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother with a party, because a failed party is far more depressing than no party.

I don't know what it is, but I have a really hard time finding people (sane, healthy people, anyways) who are actually interested in me. I'm starting to think there's something about me that just really turns people off. I just keep running into the same shit over and over again. All I want is someone fun and respectful and trustworthy who enjoys my company and who will make an effort and who won't suddenly decide I'm no longer good enough. Apparently, these people are fucking unicorns. Either that, or there's something wrong with me that makes them want to avoid me.

I'd call myself a pretty self-aware person. I've always known who I am and what's important to me (excluding the times I've spent in dysfunctional relationships with my head on backwards). I'm considered by those who know me to be conscientious and sensible. I'm not a loser. I'm not an asshole. I'm not an emotional cripple exuding "cry for help" vibes. At least, not that I know of. But clearly I'm exuding some kind of vibe, because I'm an asshole magnet and I have very few friends who fulfill the vague criteria I gave above. I have friends who are loyal and who actually make an effort to spend time with me, but they're all really dysfunctional and difficult and not particularly respectful, not at all safe to get close to. I have friends who are fun and sane and respectful, but they don't make an effort. I had friends who were fun and sane and respectful and made an effort, but then they appeared to change their minds. The only friends I have who I feel like I can really trust and who I could really get close to are people who live far away and who I never get to see.

I'm going to talk to my counsellor about this when I get back, because it's clearly something I need to address. A person with confidence attracts the things they want in their life. I seem to repel them. I always thought my self-esteem was decent, but clearly it's not, or at least not anymore, because I got into a really bad relationship where I was treated with no respect at all and I put up with it for months, and I have a bunch of friends who don't appear to respect me. It's also possible I just have an unhealthy codependent model for relationships. I do tend to look for intensity in my friendships - if I don't see potential for a really deep connection, I'm not really interested. That probably attracts the crazies.

I don't know. All I know is that I'll never get what I want unless I'm happy with what I have, so I'm trying to just figure my shit out so I can understand it, accept it, and be happy already. All this rejection is starting to get me down, though. I'm really starting to feel like some kind of freak.
Persiflager
*delurks*

(((epinephrine)))

Maybe you'd have a better response with something more casual, like meeting at a bar for drinks? I'm guessing everyone's busy with the start of a new academic year, and they don't want to commit to social stuff in case they have to work/study.

I know you've been busy dealing with your break-up/living many miles away, so you probably haven't been there for your friends as much as you normally would. Sorry, I think the onus is on you to re-connect, and to take the time to listen to what's been going on in their lives. It might take a little while to get your friendships back to where they were.

freckle - yay, well done! But don't leave it too late to call the mean lady, or there's a good chance she'll find out that you've called the others and resent being called so late.

*relurks*
Persiflager
Sorry epi, I realise my last post comes across as pretty unsympathetic.

I was just remembering my last break-up - I was a bit of a hermit for a few months, then when I was ready to be social and fun again, none of my friends seemed to be around. I felt rejected, and annoyed that they couldn't make time for me. It took a while for get back into the social whirl, and once I re-connected with people I felt guilty for not realising that they also had shit happening that I hadn't known about/paid attention to. I didn't intend to criticise you, just to save you from the potential guilt!

((everyone))
freckleface7
have not/am not calling That Woman, bc when I brought it up again, the response was totally negative to the extreme. I honestly think the other 2 women would bail on me if they knew she was riding along with us.
so I've let go of the guilt and am going with the flow. 14 days til the Beach Retreat now.. biggrin.gif

have done more volunteering at Planned Parenthood again and love it even more.
I "helped" at an Open House we/they (?) had this week and felt a little at odds bc there really wasn't anything for me To Do per say but I did get to meet several other location Staff who were pretty amazing & welcoming.
beyond that I tried floating around here & there but felt at odds a few times bc it seemed everyone else largely already knew everyone else & had drifted into little cliques. I was making myself walk up to strangers & introduce myself confidently to them but yet inside I was feeling like a total & complete dork.
one of the regular staffers has been really friendly & made an effort to introduce me to everyone & I like her very much. it's way premature to think that she & I might become 'friends' however, so I'll try not to mistake her simple kindess for more.

- I'm 38- isn't it high time I get over this? unsure.gif

(((((epi & persi & everyone else))))
annabananahannahmontana

i work at a thrift store, and this one lady is trying to make conversation, asking me if i think gold would look good with blue. i tell her that i'm not good at that kind of thing, what color goes with what. i just wear black most of the time, so i avoid the problem entirely. she gets all offended and i just answered her question. i mean i try and think before i speak, i try to be a nice person, but i'm just not. i guess most people just want to you to kiss their ass and not be honest. i guess in retrospect maybe she thought i was being confrontational, but i really wasn't.

i'm just so wound up all the time. i can't ever enjoy myself because i am always analyzing everything i'm doing. i'm so fucking worried that i'll make an ass out of myself, that i do. i have trouble knowing in any given situation what people want me to say, so i don't talk a lot. and that makes me boring. if i talk to much, i'm irritating. i fear i have some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder.
koffeewitch
annabanana- I had to delurk and respond to your post. I have felt so exactly the same way so many times. The truth is I am just too weird for most people. I don't have anything to say to them and when I do choose to say something they look at me like I've just confessed to eating dead puppies. But anyway, if that woman asked you for advice I think she probably admired something about you. You don't go up to the dorkiest person in the room and ask their opinion on what to wear. You probably have more of an intriguing presence than what you're aware.


(epinephrine- I've read your posts around the forums...to me you seem, like a very likable, intelligent, sensitive person. It can be the hardest thing in the world to find good friends; it's the kind of thing that just has to happen in it's own time. In the mean time, I think Persi had great advice).
annabananahannahmontana
thanks koffeewitch. it's helpful to know i am not the only one.
koffeewitch
I guess my main coping strategy is in acknowledging that most of us live highly compartmentalized lives. Sometimes this makes me feel like some sort of impostor. But I'd rather feel that way than have the experience of putting myself out there and REALLY responding to people with what I think/feel only to have them look at me with complete bewilderment.

Quick anecdote: Back when I was in college, a sorority invited my student organization to speak about feminism because it was International Woman's Day. The person who was supposed to speak at the sorority got the flu and I had to go instead. But it wasn't just giving a lecture. It was sitting down and having dinner with them at their house and making polite conversation. I'm sure there are probably some sororities that are more progressive. However, this was not one of them. I don't think I have ever felt so completely out of place before or since.
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