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umeko
Hey all. It's been a very long time since I've been to Bust and it was once a safe haven for me when going through a bad breakup. So I've returned after another breakup, one much bigger and more painful. I'm trying to keep telling myself to move on but it's so hard to let go emotionally....so i'm posting in this thread with the hopes that it will give me strength. I'm sorry for just bursting in..

My 3 1/2 relationship has come to a sudden halt after my bf had a psychotic breakdown last week. While spending 36 panicked hours with him in the hospital I found out that he has been lying to me since we met and hiding a pharmaceutical drug problem as well as a serious depression that he was mistreating (not taking pills he should be and/or taking them irregularly). While I was upset that he was hiding all of this from me, I still love him and was planning to stick by his side and help him through this. After a few days he confessed more lies that he's been keeping from me which includes an affair he had for the first year that we were together. I am completely shocked and devastated. I've been hurt before by a man but the warning signs were all there before and I knew that I was getting into something bad. This time I had NO clue at all. All of my friends and family loved him and he was such a genuine kind gentle person.

I feel so deceived and betrayed...yet I still care for him and am worried about him. I can't just abandon him when he needs me the most, but what kind of self respect would I have if I stay with him after he's hurt me so badly?

I know there are no answers and only time will make things better..I've been hitting the fast forward button but I feel like I'm stuck on pause. Any advice is more than welcome, please!!!
umeko
Today was a hard day. Didn't sleep a wink last night. Went to bf's psychiatrist and then to dr for hiv test. yuck. Came home on public transit crying and then bf wanted to come over to give me a letter he wrote. As if words can change anything right now. I didn't feel ready to see him, but he came by anyway and I guess it was ok in the end. We talked for several hours. More yelling, more tears but also some more understanding. He wants to come back and live here but I am insistent that if we are ever going to get through this we can't be under the same roof. I will just end up resenting his presence. Still don't know how to ever trust him again, but can only take it one day at a time. He needs to start helping himself first.
The worst part right now is that I miss him incredibly. I just wanted to hang out and tell him about the books I found that I've been waiting to buy and the new DVDs I got...all the stupid little things. sigh. so confused.

Hope everyone is having a good Friday!
sybarite
(((Umeko))) I'm sorry you're going through this, but fwiw you sound clear about what you want and need to happen, if you choose to stay in this relationship. I think it's good you're taking time to be alone to figure it out: that's a lot of deception.

The not sleeping is the worst. Take a sleep aid if you have to; lack of sleep can make things feel even worse than they are. Take care of yourself and come back here if it helps to vent.
sassygrrl
((umeko)) I'm sorry honey.

Not sleeping is bad. I understand it though. I'm an insomniac, and haven't sleep well all week due to stress at work and boy stress (dating a new guy, and it's bringing up serious baggage....see frustrated singles thread). Ugh.

I agree with sybarite. Sleep aids help. Please come in here and vent if it helps.

Have a good weekend.

I normally don't read many self help books, but Greg Berndant wrote a good one called "It's called a Break up for a reason..." Very good advice in there.
umeko
Thanks for your words and comfort ladies.
I got a much better sleep last night, but it's still lonely being in a big bed all by yourself. In the morning I found myself right in the middle of the bed though, snuggled by my two kitties. It was kind of nice not being curled onto the one side. I've never tried a sleep aid...except for self medicating with weed. I realize that it is more of a crutch than an aid right now but I just can't seem to let go of it yet.

Thanks for the book tip sassy. I'm not huge into self help books either...but they sure do come in handy at times. My counselor recommended After the Affair by Janis Spring. It's been pretty helpful even though a lot of it references married couples with children. We don't have kids, luckily, although bf was about to propose to me in Greece. He had the breakdown the night before we were to leave and apparently the proposal was a major factor in his breakdown because of the lies and cheating and the guilt he was feeling. How could he make the lifelong committment to me when he was hiding these horrible things (were his thoughts). It's comforting in a disturbing way that he loves me so much that he drove himself to insanity, ok well the mental illness has something to do with it too...but anyway...I digress.

Today has been a stronger day so far. Bf called earlier and wants to go out for a walk tomorrow together. I agreed but said I want to see how we are feeling tomorrow. Is it just going to make it more difficult if we spend "quality time" together? I don't even know at this point if I want to stay with him or not. Am I dragging out an inevitable breakup, or is there really a future for us still? Will I be stronger for forgiving him and working this out, or stronger for leaving? What will I miss out on if I decide to leave, I mean what if he is my soulmate? On the other hand if I stay with him, what other life could I be missing out on on my own, or with someone else? These are the thoughts swimming around my head...

Ok, now I will stop being so self involved.
Sassygrrl - I read a bit on the other thread about your new guy. Was dinner last night, or is it tonight? I hope it goes well!

p_176 - Now more than ever I have been wondering about why we attract the men that we do. I know it's cliche, but I really think it has something to do with our parents. My best friend consistently has had boyfriends that are possessive and controlling, which is how her father was with her mother. My father cheated on my mother then left her (and my sister and I) for another woman. It's not a surprise that I have had many anti-committment bfs in the past. The strange thing with current bf is that I truly thought he was different, but he ended up betraying me as well. I think there's something to it anyway...
sassygrrl
It's great to have the bed to yourself isn't it? Gawd, my ex used to hog the whole thing!

Hey Umbero, glad today was a better day. All I can say, it will get easier in time. I know that sounds insanely clique, but it's true. And Greg's book really did help me. I also read the book before, He's not that into you, or whatever it's called. Strangely enough, it helped me deal with my sister better. Both are good books about relationships.

My dinner date is tomorrow afternoon! smile.gif We're heading to Best Buy first to go shopping. I'm in need of buying Grey's Anatomy Season 2. smile.gif

I'm been having dreams lately (as I've mentioned in other threads) about my exs. Especially my ex fiancee. I'm not sure if it's related to new anxiety with new guy or not. Fear of the unknown I suppose.
Kalevra
Umeko,

I was going to resist giving my testosterone fuelled view on your predicament, but I have decided to say the following:

Trust is a very difficult thing to acquire, but it is the easiest thing to throw away. Trust can only be earned, it cannot be bought or acquired. When someone breaks, it becomes even more difficult for them to earn, and even easier to throw away.

Bottom line is this, do you have many more lifetimes to spare in order for him to gain back the trust he threw away, or is this lifetime ready to endure the possibility of infidelity?

A nervous breakdown is not a nice thing to happen to anyone, which means he has regret, but in my experience, leopards do not change their spots.

I hate to sound like a doomsday prophet, but my experience with infidelity is that it causes pain for which there is no pill, it causes despair that can make you gasp for breath, and only time can make it go away. The closure of a relationship makes it easier to deal with, and discussing it with the 'perpetrator' can help with closure, but it can also lead you back to where you were before.

Only you really know what you want, and what you are prepared to surrender to get what you want. Life is a series of problems the need solving, no one said it is easy, and there is no manual.

I hope you find what you seek.

Sassy, what have you decided to cook.....? Apart from EVIL Nutella Mudpies of course. I think you should do ribs and spaghetti of some sort laugh.gif see if the man can eat those gracefully *snigger* It sounds to me like you are gonna have lotsa fun!
sassygrrl
Umeko, have to agree with Kal on the infidelity issue. Then again, I've dealt with this on my own. You decide what is best for you though. Know we are here for you in either case.

Kal, we are making NY strip steaks (a la Alton Brown recipe yay!), some veggie (leaning towards corn or something) , and I am making garlic mashed potatoes and those evil mud pies...We'll see if he can eat ribs next time! I plan on taking him to a rib shack soon near my house. smile.gif

"I'm covered in beees...." Heh.
umeko
Thank you Kalevra for your good advice. I came to Bust not only to seek comfort and support, but also to hear the difficult things that I may not want to hear. I know there are some very experienced and intelligent people here - and I appreciate so much that you can share the knowledge that you have with me.

I decided not to see bf today after all...I think I need to start calling him ex now, even though we have not officially broken up. I'm going out instead with my mom for a drink. She is on her way over to get me so I will be back here later for an update. But thank you so much again for listening to me and taking the time to respond.

Sassy - good luck with dinner tonight! Sounds like it will be a good time and I look forward to hearing about it!
dani837
You can resolve the infidelity issue like THIS: just tell the guy that is he ever cheats on your, you'll cut his pecker off! smile.gif
umeko
Haha! Dani - the "bobbit" is always a good solution.

I have a couple of beers in me now and feeling stronger. (I don't drink often so it affects me easily!) I know what needs to happen, which is that we will part our separate ways. I'm not afraid of finding someone else and I'm not afraid to be alone (even though I have some pretty bad abandonment issues). But I've been alone before and I was stronger for it...I know that I can do it again. Ex needs to work out his issues on his own. He is still in denial that we will not be together and putting up a fuss about finding his own apartment. He is staying with his parents right now. Maybe..just maybe..one day when he has sorted out his life we can be together again, but it will not happen now. This is too big of a thing to just forgive and move on. Aside from his cheating on me, he was also hiding that he was in contact with his ex every 2 - 3 months while we were together. There are too many things that he was lying about which makes it impossible to repair. Too many things that he was holding on to from his past that prevented us from having an honest, loving relationship. I see that now.

I'm actually looking forward to moving on and meeting new people. I'm still young enough (27 a week from tomorrow!) to meet someone new and start a family with them. Though I'm in no rush after this.... Ex, on the other hand, is quite a bit older than me - he's 42. I thought being with an older man meant that he would be more mature and have his life in order...but apparently I was wrong on that one.

Anyway - I'm sorry for bursting in and kinda taking over this thread. But I thank you immensely for letting me and for your support and advice. I know it's not over yet...there will be days that are better than others...but I feel good about my decision to let go of this cheater because I know that I am worth much more than that.

Moooooooving on!!!!! (((Busties)))
pepper
oh, umeko. don't say that part to him "maybe..one day when he has sorted out his life we can be together again" or he'll never let go. i remember feeling like that and saying it to an ex years ago and it was like i had given him a solid reason to hang on. he was all "but you said Maybe. that's not no, it's a yes kinda. right?" it got dragged on forever and ever it seemed even though i was resolved not to be with him at that time. it was sad.
sybarite
Umeko, I'm glad you've decided what you want. 27 is nothing, believe me. I got together with the love of my life when I was 31... and to be honest, I think I wasn't ready for the kind of committment we have before then, so it all worked out.

Following your decision, I would strongly suggest no contact with the ex for at least a month or two. It's for you, not him and he may well resist, but he let you down and now has to take the consequences. If you met with him it would ostensibly be to make him feel better (I suspect) and you have to put yourself first now.

No contact is hard hard hard, but I did it and it made things easier and much clearer. Spending time with him now will ultimately be a drain on you and your feelings.

Meanwhile, be good to yourself. I understand the self-medicating to get to sleep, been there myself, but keep an eye on it. Try to eat well. It's all about getting through the weeks ahead.
roseviolet
Bump!
chickenlittle
Thanks, RV, for the bump. much appreciated.

my bf of almost-three years moved in with me in june, and it's been straight hell since then. we've argued like crazy, talked about breaking up (mostly on his side), and recently he's come to me with the decision that he has to move out. he doesn't think this will mean the end of the relationship, but i'm having a hard time thinking about it in any other way. i am nauseous at the idea of his moving out- i don't want him to go. lately i've been struggling with the whole 'being in a relationship and also being a fully-realized creative individual' thing. i think we could find a new way to interact where where we don't use each other as an excuse to avoid our own creative work. but he doesn't see a way to be strong enough to work on his own, without getting out of 'my' space.

in the last week, since he told me he wanted to move out (since he's been talking about needing a big change), his boss has essentially fired him (cut him back from 5 days a week to 1), the music night he's been producing has been cancelled, and last night, his son's school director called to tell him she's upping the tuition because so many students have dropped out (his ex-wife teaches there and up till now they've been getting a break on tuition). If that isn't the universe answering his plea for change, I don't know what is.

i won't be able to afford the rent on my own, and i don't want to get a roommate, and i don't want to break up. i just don't know what to do.

i know if he is going to leave, i can't stop him. i can't make him stay. but how can this be the only option? i'm just sick about it.

thanks, all.
spazmatazz
chickenlittle, i think i can relate to what you're going through. i had a very similar situation years ago with the man i was completely sure was the love of my life. we were both in our mid-twenties, had been dating for about 2 years, and had been living together for about 5 or 6 months, when practically every aspect of his life started to fall apart. he started to have those "adult epiphanies" you have in your twenties...figuring out that you don't have a clue (or at least it can feel that way).

he made the same choice it sounds like your guy is making: he had to go it alone for awhile, in order to make his efforts toward a better life that much more rewarding and meaningful. it was important to him to do it on his own.

but, as i mentioned, i was in my mid-twenties and hopelessly romantic. i thought the best thing for him was to beg him to stay, to tell him that we could do this together...that's what partners do, after all. in the end, i convinced him to stay.

it worked for about another 2 months or so, when i started to feel resentful that our entire relationship was based on what he needed, what made him happy...it was all on his terms, and i felt like my emotional needs were being neglected and started to really get angry about it. in the end, we split because of it. and i have always wondered if it may have wound up differently if i'd given him the space and distance he needed. not necessarily a regret, but just a "what if" that still nibbles on my heart sometimes.

i doubt any of that is helpful to you today, when you're in it and it hurts...but, one thing i learned from that experience is that when he tells you what he needs, believe and respect that, no matter how much it hurts. sadly, love does not conquer all.
girlygirlgag
Not to stick it to him, Chicken, but if he is on the lease, he is legally obligated to continue payment on the rent, until HE Finds someoen to replace him in three months.


I am sorry you are going through this, darling.. ((((((chicken))))))))

But, this is my take, when you are in a committed relationship, you are in it for the good, the bad, and the ugly. He should not be running away. And, I apologize for this sounding harsh, but, if he needs to find himself without you, then you are no longer a couple.
It seems like he is too cowardly to come out and say it.
stargazer
sorry to hear about things chickenlittle.

i agree with girlygirlgag. he sounds like he is too coward to say he wants to ends things. it may come to you doing this move if you feel up to it.

spazz~i was in a similar situation in a relationship in my 20s. the relationship was based on resentment. i was trying to hold onto a relationship that had expired and ended its lease. it was going nowhere. we tried to make it work, but in the end, we weren't right for each other. even if i had given my ex the space and distance, i no in my heart we would not have worked out. just not good all around.

i always took the initiative in my last relationship and the breakup was the same. i described it as vultures circling the prey. well, i had to go in for the kill. i ended up lease early, moved out, and moved on. it hurt tremendously. it literally took a couple of years to get over because we were together for 6 years. so, my heart goes out to you chickenlittle. make sure to take care of yourself.
chickenlittle
thanks spaz, ggg, and stargazer. thank you.

every day it's a different story. for a week i've been up and down (totally useless at work), and I don't know if i'm coming or going. he's been almost ridiculously resolute: "I've made my decision." A robot- and it kills me. Where is the man I know? Where is the man I love?

he's NOT on the lease, ggg, so that's sort of a moot point. he won't just bail on me financially, i know, but it still sucks to have to think about the possibility of getting a roommate.

he actually had a job interview today, and i left work early to spend the rest of the afternoon in bed. i feel like i'm dying (crying, nauseous, can't eat, can't sleep). When he came home, though, we had a really good (read: no yelling, no crying, no screaming or carrying on) and honest conversation about the patterns we've established for ourselves over the last almost-three years (particularly the last 6 months, since he moved in). I reiterated that I don't think he has to move out, that we can find the space within the relationship- and I think he finally may be hearing me. Or we're being more honest with ourselves. I'm not sure. We're taking a couple of hours off from talking about it (he had a meeting, I had to go finish up a few things at work) and then later we'll come together again to talk some more.

I do know that no matter what happens, it will be for the best. Either he stays and we take some time to rebuild, and in doing so, I carve out a significant portion of time for myself and my creative life within the relationship. or he moves out, we break up, I tighten my belt and pay for the two bedroom myself and use the second bedroom as a craft space. I can win either way. it doesn't have to be so horrible, even though it will hurt like hell.

sigh. thank you.
xochicken

persimmon_grrrl
...
stargazer
i'm sure things are easier to talk about chickenlittle as you start to distance yourself from him. it does get easier to talk about yourselves. just make sure you listen to what he is telling you. make sure your needs are being met. do you want him to stay, or are you clinging to a possibility that he will change? deep down in your heart you know the answer. it will hurt either way. just make sure you are taking care of yourself and getting what you want.
chickenlittle
so, yup, it's over and done with. We broke up last Friday, he moved out this past weekend, and I'm slowly starting to stare reality in the face.

Basically, after a week of back-and-forth, I came to the realization that the itty bitty glimmer I see in him (of the man he could be, of the man he says he wants to be) isn't enough. I've been hanging on to the possibility of what could be, and that it would turn out okay, but in the meantime, it's not been okay. And I realized that I just couldn't continue to wait and hope that he would get his sh*t together. It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't said he wanted to move out (I'd still be hanging on and hoping)- and so I'm horribly upset and sad and heartbroken. Underneath all that, though, I know it's the right choice.

He's got an ex-wife he still hasn't dealt with, he's in severe debt, he's been recording and re-recording the same 12 songs over and over for the last three years with 3 or 4 incarnations of his band (he can't keep a band together, either). Really, he's in the same place he was when we met three years ago- and struggling with the same things. I've changed and grown a lot over the last three years, mostly due to his influences and encouragement, ironically, and it kills me that he's still stuck. and not just stuck- but choosing to stay where he is instead of dig in and work at the things that need to change.

I feel badly for myself, but I feel worse for his son. He's five and already has a difficult home life in switching off with each parent every other weekend and during the week. He's lived in five different apartments in the last two years (chickenman's ex moved last year, and in the last six months chickenman moved in with me and now moved out). He's an incredible kid, and I'm going to miss him terribly.

I really miss chickenman, and I'm lonely in my empty, echo-y apartment. But I know that I can't be with him. Maybe some day, some way? But I'm not holding out for it anymore.

Moving on is really hard. Letting go is really hard. Every day I go back and forth- should I call him? I shouldn't call him. I miss him. I love him. I hate him and never want to talk to him again. What is he doing right now? Who is he with? Is he thinking of me? Does he miss me? Does he feel like this is a mistake? ARGH! It's killing me.
emtee
I really don't want to be in here, but I guess I should just face reality: my non-relationship that never even really got a chance to start is over.

How do you get over someone when you still wholeheartedly want to be with them? When they've actually done nothing wrong or horrid or atrocious, only wonderful things, and yet, they don't want to be with you?

I'd much rather he cheated on me, like the last one. At least I knew I was better off without him.
persimmon_grrrl
(((emtee)))
(((chickenlittle)))

i am such a commitment phobe, i even deleted my post! unsure.gif
stargazer
(((chickenlittle))) sorry to hear about the breakup. it sounds like it is for the best. the apartment may feel empty, but i'm sure it felt the same way with the two of you there. take care of yourself. give yourself time to get over this relationship. it won't happen over night, i can tell you that.

((emtee)) i understand completely. it feels like a lost opportunity, or a potential never realized. that sucks.
lucymygal
I HAVE TO VENT!!!I bet this is going to be long and I apologize.
I had a really strange relationship which has metamorphosed into an even STRANGER break-up. I have posted about the relationship before in “committed”. Basically we started dating and things became intense really quickly. We liked each other a whole lot and got along great. Then some drama happened and our relationship suffered. (Unplanned pregnancy). This led to the guy becoming very irritable and always “wanting space.” He never wanted to talk about the pregnancy, what to do or even accept that there was the possibility of a child. Then the pregnancy terminated itself and we broke up soon after due to all the stress. He said it was too hard to talk to me after the breakup because he felt so guilty and talking to me reminded him of what a jerk he was. He claimed to have no time for me. Very soon after (maybe a week), he started corresponding with an blog slut and he revamped her website. (it took him all weekend) All this was posted on his blog. (Yah, I shoulda stopped reading it). It was obvious there was at least some indication of a relationship so I got the hint and stopped reading! We spent a few months without contact until he called me. I wouldn’t say he begged to have me back…but it was pretty close. Against my (not to mention friends and family) judgment I went back to him. Turned out there had never been anything more besides innocent flirtation with the blogger. (?) He said he had changed and that the situation we were in just brought out the worst in his personality. This summer we spent about 2 months having a great relationship. We even took a trip together! Then, some more drama started, this time with my family. There were 3 deaths (aunts/uncle) and both of my parents were diagnosed with very serious diseases. This all happened in a 2 month span of time. I have to admit, I lost my shit a little bit. And so did he. He started acting really anxious, didn’t want to spend time together anymore and was always irritable. I broke up with him. The following week he continued to txt me, email me and act like we were still going out. I reciprocated. We decided to rethink the breakup. I know now that I was just feeling emotionally attached to him because I had lost so many people so quickly. We saw each other about a week post “breakup” and it ended up being really awkward. It was clear he was feeling anxious just being around me. It was a bad time, I acted semi-psycho and he asked me to leave his house. I said some shitty things including, I wish I had never met you. He emailed me hoping I was feeling better and our correspondence eventually became friendly. We don’t say much in the emails and they are rather infrequent—just funny tidbits about what is up in our lives. Then, Monday I call him. He sounds weird from the minute he answers the phone. I told him something important (about parents health), talked about my weekend and was about to end the conversation. Silence. I asked him what was wrong and he ranted about how I need to disconnect, said he has moved on etc. I was confused because our periodic correspondence had been friendly and he had wanted me touch base with him about how I was doing. I feel really embarrassed to have spent so much time, shared so many experiences and was close to having a kid with this guy. I feel like I dated two guys. On one hand he was responsible, funny, kind and on the other he was really immature, cruel and moody. Since then a mutual friend told me he has been posting CRAZY personals craiglist ads. Basically in them he says he is bored lonely and needs a woman—any woman to talk to. What the hell was I thinking and I can I move on knowing my ex was such a creep? I’m beginning to feel crazy, I have had fairly normal relationships and breakups and I just can’t deal with this one.
caroline_no
lucymygal, i'm sorry for your parents illnesses and the other hard times you went through and i'm sorry your guy wasn't supportive. it's easy for me to say this, but i think you are better off w/o him..that goes to chickenlittle, too. i'm getting better at moving on even though my ex makes it hard. he was pretty rotten towards me (disrespectful and unkind) and now he texts me to say "why are we drifting apart when you are the girl i want to marry". meanwhile, i have lost trust and have tried meeting other people. the hard thing about meeting other people is knowing how much they want to know me? i guess if i have to ask this, it's not a good sign? damn, i have breast biopsy this week (another thread i guess) and i am going alone. i get so tired of being alone but i don't trust the people i have known. this makes me sad.
Alva
Hey emtee!
I can relate very much to what you wrote. Because I´m in a very similar situation, of course.
But I don´t think the situation would be any better if your (or my) ex were a cheating, disrespectful person. Rationally, you would know that you have any reason to be angry. But because love is so irrational, maybe you would still love, miss and mourn over a person who hasn´t deserved it at all. Some time ago, I mourned a whole year over a person who tried to cheat on me (-I found out before).
Knowing that your ex is a wonderful person hurts, but be thankful for it. I am very glad that my current ex-I-can´t-really-let go-of treated me honestly and respectfully. This doesn´t take away the problem of not knowing how to to cope with him not wanting to be with you. But I think it´s a comfort when at least you know the person still likes and respects you.
How dou you feel now and how do you try to cope?

Edit: From what you wrote in the crush-thread, maybe I´ve misunderstood your situation or it luckily did turn out better than you thought. Good luck.
nickclick
emtee, how wonderful is a person who doesn't want to be with you ?!?!?!?!?!??
lucymygal
thank you caroline_no for your words of encouragement. You are right. I am better off without him. I am moving on (slowly) even went on a few dates. I know what you mean about the trust issues of getting to know someone and being able to trust they want to get to know you too. So far, great dates but no chemistry. Made some friends though. I don't think I want to be in a relationship right now anyway. Just need to do something new and have some fun.

How did everything go with the biopsy? Keep us posted! I wish the best:)
emtee
Alva, sorry I haven't checked in. nickclick, you're absolutely right- I hadn't thought of it that way.

As I posted in the crush thread, what happened was that he told me he didn't want a relationship, then we slept together, then he eventually stopped calling. I waited for 2 weeks to see if he would contact me, then I called him to let him know that I had some of his things and wanted to give them back. We talked for 3 hours, then last Friday, he came over and we hung out. We didn't talk about 'relationship' things, we just spent time together as per usual- but when he left, he just hugged me. I had to follow him out of my house to kiss him- a little delayed, as I was confused!

I haven't heard from him since, but I was out of town all weekend and didn't expect to. I think I'll call him tonight- I don't know if it's over, but I feel like something is definitely amiss, and I need to talk to him about it. If that means that he admits that he doesn't want to see me again, I guess that's the risk I take.

Strong words that are easier said than done...I really, really adore him. Too bad.
chickenlittle
((emtee))- sometimes it's easier to deal with the risky stuff by just throwing yourself into it and letting the fear carry you through. i've been reading a lot of buddhist philosophy lately, and one of the teachers suggests leaning into the sharp points. going to where it's scary, being open, dealing with the hurt and anger and all the things that you're feeling- facing these things dead on sometimes helps us get over it more quickly. (i'm trying it! who knows if it's the 'right' thing?!)

can we talk about how to be friends with an ex? i've never done it before and i recognize we definitely need space from each other (aside from his moving out, obviously)...but i don't want to cut him out of my life and i'm conflicted. it's been really hard to not have contact- but it's also incredibly difficult to be in contact. where's the balance?

he called me today to ask if he was still invited to thanksgiving at my mom's (an event he's missed- extenuating circumstances, blah blah blah- every year for the three years we've been together; this year he'd agreed to finally come with me). i asked why he would want to spend the day with a group of people who didn't want to spend the day with him (ie, my angry and very protective family) and he said he hadn't thought about it like that but instead was thinking about spending my favorite holiday with me.

Well, shit, if you'd thought like that while we were together we might still be together.

thanks, ((all)). it's really good to have you guys out there to come to and vent with. phew.
caroline_no
chickenlittle- i don't think you should let your ex come to your family's for t-day. he's probably feeling guilty but so what? maybe he should just stew in it. he'll make everyone feel uncomfortable, it sounds, especially you. just my 2 cents..(my ex invited himself to my family's for christmas one year and made me feel really weird when he acted bored- i never promised an action filled holiday- and then he overdrank and just made everyone feel on edge..totally sucked.) this guy i was seeing recently (my rebound guy, i guess) is pretty much out of the picture. he's too busy but fuck it, so am i. he has no idea about me and has no idea what he'll miss (ha ha! i'm actually a lunatic w/ pms this week, crying one minute laughing the next..) i went for a breast biobsy at a hospital and the doc's couldn't find the lump so i just have to follow up sometime soon..Man, all the built up tension i felt and no one to share it with! i really want to move on and focus on other stuff..you don't really need to be in a relationship to feel complete, right? right? right? (is that why i am avoiding going to my family's for thanksgiving this year??)
winterscloak
Hi. I'm a newbie. I've been lurking on these boards for about a month now. My luck this is the first thread I post in *wry grin*

My boyfriend of 1 and a quarter years has decided we need a break. That he needs a chance to find himself. Thanks to some stupid online snooping, I know now that when he says "find himself" he leaves off "in the arms of other women." It seems he loves women. All women. And he really doesn't want to be bogged down with just one. And he's known it for a while. So I don't know what to think right now. He's admitted publicly that he's a damn good liar. I'm a silly girl for thinking he wouldn't try it on me.

The weird part is how little it hurts. I'm crying. Just not over him. Over the relationship. Over wasting my time. Over just how stupid this is, but not over him.

I guess that's a good thing, eh?

Now I'm stuck in limbo because I'm waiting for him to move out. He's looking for a place and I was inclined to not bitch about him staying before I found about his lying. Hopefully he'll be out by Sunday and I can move on with my life.

The hard part is what to do about his folks. I like them and they like me and they were interested in helping me with some of my long term goals. I'm not sure it would be fair to them or me to continue talking though -- considering how little I think of the ex. That part sucks.

Personally, I hope he falls desperately, dramatically, wonderfully in love with someone and she spits on him, literally and figuratively. It'll make me feel better.

Thanks for the vent.
EllaMinnowPea
QUOTE(winterscloak @ Dec 4 2006, 08:25 PM) *


The hard part is what to do about his folks. I like them and they like me and they were interested in helping me with some of my long term goals. I'm not sure it would be fair to them or me to continue talking though -- considering how little I think of the ex. That part sucks.



Sometimes breaking up with the parents is harder than breaking up with the guy.

Sounds like it's good you're out of that, though. Good luck, dear!
nickclick
**ellaminnowpea, i just dropped in to say i love your name! very clever. i have no good advice to offer, unfortunately. thankyougoodbye****
EllaMinnowPea
Thanks! Have you read the book by Mark Dunn? It's an epistolary novel about a fictional community who worships Edward Nollop, the man who first wrote "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." I used to teach it in my English course. If you have reading time around the holiday season, give it a try; it's terrific.

Screennames are an interesting phenomena, are they not? You loungers have particularly creative ones. I feel privileged to be a part of this board.
Sststststutter
so, i hooked up with this guy i met through my friend's boyfriend around halloween. it was one of those spontaneous suddenly-i'm-into-you-what's-your-name-again? things, and there was no sex but it was incredible. he lives two hours away, and i have a "don't give unless asked" policy about my phone number, so contact was not maintained, but three weeks ago he randomly came back down to the city and hung out with my friends and i. that night, i took him home with me again and this time we did sleep together. nothing seemed weird at all afterwards. he left the next day (with my number, given to him against policy). i texted him twice that week and he responded each time, but i stopped when my friend imed me the next weekend telling me that her boyfriend talked to mr. spontaneous and that he was "afraid he gave me the wrong impression." and that "he's not looking for a relationship" and that "he doesn't want me to think that everytime he comes to the city it's to see me". i can't lie and say i didn't feel a little rejected at first, but after a great deal of thought i realized that all i'd been looking for was a booty call, and what i was most upset about was the fact that i had wanted to be the rejector, but he'd beaten me to the punch (even though i don't suppose his alleged statements were exactly rejections. the boyfriend is not exactly my biggest fan and so i don't know how valid the information is in the first place). the truth is, i know if mr spontaneous lived around here i'd probably get tired of him rather quickly- he's a bit too passive and insecure for me. but what a great lover! and that's the point of this post. it was the greatest sex i've ever had and i hate to deny myself the possibilty of it ever happening again just because i feel awkward with my knowledge. neither him or the boyfriend know that my friend told me about the conversation, so as far as anyone knows, i'm basking in my ignorance. i don't know what to do; do i still gently pursue him or do i pridefully bow out and move on? any thoughts?
_octinoxate
Why not just send him a text saying something along the lines of "what a hot night... if you every want to do a repeat when you're in town, i'm game!" That way you leave the door open for more amazing sex while also letting him know that you're not looking to date him, either, just to shag him! And everybody is happy.
sinfullysmitten
QUOTE(_octinoxate @ Dec 18 2006, 03:22 PM) *

Why not just send him a text saying something along the lines of "what a hot night... if you every want to do a repeat when you're in town, i'm game!" That way you leave the door open for more amazing sex while also letting him know that you're not looking to date him, either, just to shag him! And everybody is happy.



I couldn't agree more!!!!
whitelightning
i think my boyfriend and i just broke up...looks like i'll have to move out. i noticed emtee's post about breaking up with a wonderful person. i wish i had some advice, but it looks like i'll need some myself. i feel like the inside of my heart just had a scraping...

i can't say i'm totally surprised; our relationship has felt a bit foreign lately. we've been together about 3 years and pretty much moved in with each other from the get-go. i moved 3,000 miles to be with him and i'm never sorry i did it...it's just that it seems as if we're always going through a "rough patch". he finds it difficult to remember the "good" days (although i can remember a few). the truth is i'm suffering from depression and really need some therapy/treatment but i simply do not have health insurance or access to it right now.

i gotta run to class but i just needed to get that out. thanks.
_octinoxate
(((whitelightning))) Sorry sweetheart, I don't have any advice to give... and the reason for that is that I truly believe you know what you've got to do and how you survive better than I ever could. Something girltrouble posted in the "growing up girl" thread hit home for me, and comes to mind again now: you're stronger, smarter, and more resilient than you ever thought. You'll get through this. It will get easier. And I'm glad to hear that you have no regrets.

You know we've got a depression thread over in "our bodies our hells", right? I can bump it if you want.
whitelightning
thanks, octinoxate. those are some healing words.

i've been through this before - i've lived with someone before, a different long-term relationship. i was younger and so i was, underneath it all, excited to be single. but i'm familiar with that dreaded time when you have to separate your cds, books and admit to yourself that it's just not working anymore.

now it's different - we feel we're holding each other back, but there's no resentment. we still love being around each other. i'm not at all looking forward to my own apartment, friends, etc. i actually like sharing those things with him (although i wouldn't mind my *own* space within our abode). it simply sucks. there's no denying our relationship is in need of some space, healing, breakup, what have you. i just don't want to go through with the breakup. and i think he's too young to be in this for the long haul (i'm 28, he's 24). i guess it's better we do this now, than wake up when we're in our 40s, resenting the crap out of one another. still...i'm angry at myself for even being in this position.

i'll go see what the depression thread is up to (ha). thanks again...
_octinoxate
Sure,whitelightning, you're welcome. You know, now that you describe the break up a bit more, it sounds familiar. I had a similar situation this past summer. Biggest heartbreak of my life (in fact, only true heartbreak of my life) so far... and yet no resentment, we still loved (and love) each other, and didn't want to "go through with the breakup" as you put it. One thing I found comforting was the idea that if we were/are truly as right for each other as it seemed, then we'll find our way back to each other eventually after having time apart and personal growth on my part and on his. If it doesn't work now, I've gotta admit it, but that doesn't necessarily mean it will never work.
whitelightning
that's very true...if it's in the cards, you'll find your way back to one another. perhaps being friends who love one another is the only capacity in which we can exist with our exes. i just feel so guilty. like i've let us down or something, by being so crippled by depression.

we just finished having a talk and i actually feel better. we have such a strong love and respect for one another; i'm not used to these kind of "breakups"! i'm used to being so disgusted and annoyed by my exes that a breakup is so liberating. not this one...this one fucking hurts the most.

sometimes we use language like "well, it's not a breakup, really..." but i guess we shouldn't kid ourselves. i'm just not able to give much of myself right now because of my depression. and i know it must be heartwrenching for him to watch me suffer.

is it really a breakup then??
nickclick
(((whitelighting))))
i guess it's not a breakup if he's willing to wait for you or even help you thru a rough spot in your life, but that doesn't seem to be the plan. either way, it doesn't need to be defined. do what's best for you and what feels right, take the time you need, and if/when the timing is better, you won't be broken up with him anymore.

it seems like quite a few of us around here have been in bad relationships with good people. sucks real bad when they can't work out, but realizing it and doing something about it are the first and best things you can do, for both of you.
knorl05
i've found for myself that it only matters on the degree of the relationship. if i dated guys that i cared about and thought were cool, i stayed friends with them if we werent compatible. but for guys that i really connected with, i've found it's too difficult for me to remain friends and watch him move onto someone else.
polecat
Thanks for letting me add to this, and sorry to be OT. I am in the midst of a very sad/bad breakup that I caused myself with infidelity and am looking for resources to help me figure out what to do and why I did what I did. Most of what is out there seems to be for those on the receiving end of unfaithfulness, not us evil perpetrators.

One book that did give some insight was Women's Infidelity by Michelle something (no affiliation, I swear). She says that society's continued judgment toward women's sexuality (as something bad for women compared to something good for men) contributes to women being dissatisfied in marriage as men grow more satisfied with it.

Do you know of other resources to help understand why women stray, even from an overall good marriage?
whitelightning
((polecat))

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time...and you bring up an interesting issue about women and infidelity. as far as resources go, i can't think of anything off the top of my head. i did an internet search and didn't come up with anything riveting.
suds
hey everyone!

i broke up with my ex-boy after i found out he'd been cheating on me for the whole year we were together. it was AWFUL. we broke up about four months ago.

yesterday he sent me a letter saying how sorry he is, and how he wants to talk to me. i wish he'd leave me along to get over him. because i'm finally beginning to.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? sad.gif
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