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Mermeg
(((tankgirl))) What bullshit! Are you saying you lived together and he kicked you out, knowing full well that you had just quit your job? I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. So in his mind you guys are "separated" but not really over, or does he actually think of himself as single? Pfsh, enough about him...I care more about your feelings. I know this question probably isn't easily answered, but do you want to be with him? As of now, considering the current situation? You mentioned you guys had been fighting more recently, and I know that can cause things to just nosedive really quickly, so maybe it really wasn't the best situation for you to be in anymore. Still, it sounds like he's being completely disrespectful by doing this out of nowhere. At the same time if he truly does want to be single then it will probably be futile to try to hang on... He definitely owes you answers and is being really unfair by basically dictating your life right now because he can't make up his mind about what he wants.

Your situation sounds similar to mine (unexpectedly broken up with, now living with parents trying to figure out what the hell happened and my next move). I know how gutting it can be to find yourself here and I hope you feel better soon.

And as for setting up camp in this forum, there are far worse places to be, even though no one probably wants to have to utilize it. In fact, I really do think of Mooooving On as a little safehaven where you can come and bitch and receive kindness and support and sometimes a much needed kick in the pants. So no worries, vent all you need to!
tankgirl
yah, we usually have really good communication, but he just doesn't understand how unreasonable he is being. I do want to be with him but not if he is just wanting to be single. I guess he doesn't want to have to think about anyone else when making day to day decisions. The worst part of it for me is that he doesn't want to see anyone else and he is still doing the same thing everyday as he always did minus the amazing sex and good home cooking.
Mermeg
hmmm...well than it sounds like his loss, because who would want to purposefully forgo great sex and cooking? Have you discussed staying together but not living together anymore? It sounds kind of like that's what he's going for, and in my experience sometimes moving out but staying together can actually be beneficial to both people. And for your own sake you definitely need to be able to actually live somewhere and not just shuffle between relatives with all your stuff in bags. That's crazy and probably not helping anything! Since you still both want to be with each other I'd say it's worth trying to save the relationship. Good luck.
sylaami
hey, tankgirl

what's going on with you sounds a lot like what's going on with me. we were engaged and a week and a half ago he told me he loves me but we aren't going in the same direction anymore and he wants me to move out. tomorrow i'm moving in with my parents and will try and pull my life back together.

i don't know that this could be repaired in my relationship even if he has a change of heart but i wish you luck if you still love your boyfriend and want to work things out.
epinephrine
Hello, busties. My name's Epinephrine and I'm mooooving on.

I posted in here 6 months ago when I was in a situation much like Tankgirl's. My girlfriend of a year and a half had suddenly decided that she felt "trapped" in our relationship and wanted to be single again. Never mind that she'd been the one doing all the trapping - bugging me to move in, calling me whenever she had spare time, pushing for a couples' phone plan, never doing anything by herself, needing my constant attention whenever we were together, and just generally planning her whole life around me. I moved out, completely emotionally crushed (besides her clinginess, we'd had a great relationship), but after lots of talking about how unfair and immature she'd been we decided to try to stay together and work it out. We really shouldn't have. We just spent 6 horrible months in relationship limbo, with her becoming increasingly resentful and nasty towards me and me becoming increasingly passive and confused about what to do before eventually breaking up. Our relationship is a mangled wreck of what it used to be. There's so much confusion and resentment we can't see eye to eye on anything at all anymore. We just officially broke up on Wednesday and I was looking forward to healing some of the harm we've done each other and learning how to be ourselves and get along again, but she just told me she's already involved with someone else - one of my good friends.

Now I'm just totally at a loss. I'm only just starting to get over her, and I'm devastated at the thought that she's already over me. After the way she's treated me for the past 6 months and now this, I feel like I never meant anything to her. She doesn't seem to understand this, and thinks I'm being dramatic. I'm so emotionally exhausted I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm crazy. I've never been in this situation and I have no idea how to deal. As much of an asshole as she's been, though, she really does mean a lot to me and I really want to stay friends. I think I'll just start by having lots of space, just not seeing or talking to each other for a while, which I've suggested lots of times as a way to distance ourselves from our problems and which she never wants to do. Fuck what she wants to do.

Anyway, I know I've been kind of hijacking the Mating Game forum with this problem of mine, but at least I've progressed from the "relationship advice" thread to the "moving on" thread. Thanks for all the kindness and advice, everyone.
sybarite
(((Epinephrine))) I'm so sorry. I think you should try and keep some distance between you and her for a while, a few months at least. If you are to become friends I think you need time after the ending of your relationship to heal first--and to set boundaries or parameters for yourself for your friendship with her in the future. For now take care of yourself, in whatever form that takes.

(((Tankgirl))) I have to say it sounds incredibly unfair that you were simply instructed to leave your shared house for an unspecified period of time. Can you sublet somewhere for a few months, maybe take stock of what's just happened? I just feel making a choice to rent somewhere on your own (or shared) might be better for you than staying at various relations' houses in turn and perpetuating a kind of limbo. Once you've decided on somewhere to stay, maybe pick up a temp job for now, and then you can figure out where you want to go from here in regard to your relationship. Right now, he's calling all the shots and IMO being deeply unfair. It's your life that he's disrupting; take it back.
kittenb
{{{epinephrine}}} I am so sorry that she has been playing so many head games with you for so long. That is truly awful. sad.gif
I understand that you want to stay friends with her and, at some point, that might be possible. However, for now, I support your need for time apart from speaking with her or seeing her.
It is about you now. Good luck. smile.gif
angie_21
Epinephrine, that sucks. I have never successfully been able to be friends with someone after breaking up, it's just too messy. Give it some time, heal, become your own person again, and then you can decide if you want to stay friends with someone who hurt you that badly. If you stay in touch now, you will be getting back into the same arguments, and feeling the same things, as when you were together.

It sounds like things weren't working out so well, so it's very possible she never meant to hurt you, and just didn't know how to leave the relationship earlier without hurting your feelings. I'm certainly not saying this to defend her, but just because you shouldn't be left feeling like she never loved you or like she wanted to hurt you, when that's probably not the case.

Tankgirl, you still there? Am I the only one who was bothered by the fact that your boyfriend felt he had the right to just kick you out of your own home for no good reason? Please, protect yourself and be very careful about moving out if you own this house together or if you are on the lease. He has no right to kick you out, if he wants space, he should be the one to have to pick up and leave, not you. If you move out, it gives him precedent for taking ownership of the house in legal cases, even if he was the one who asked you to leave.
epinephrine
Thanks, Angie.

I know she meant to leave the relationship earlier. She tried to, but didn't really go all the way, and I just couldn't get my head around the literally overnight switch from "I love you so much you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to do everything with you" to "I think we made a mistake getting this committed and I want to be single now." I knew what I wanted all along and it never changed, but what she wanted changed so fast it made my fucking head spin. And then I never got the space I needed to adjust and decide if it was a good idea to try to salvage what was left of the relationship or not. I don't know what would have happened if I had just insisted on having space after the initial pseudo-breakup. I suspect she would have missed me and realized she'd been irrational and by the time we started trying to work things out again we would have been a lot closer to being on the same page. We may have been able to save the relationship. On the other hand, having had time away from her, I may not have felt such an intense desire to be with her, and I may have just decided to let her go. I've always had a rule about dating the same person twice - if it didn't work the first time, it'll just be worse the second time. I've also always had a rule about dating irrational freaks who smoke too much girl-crack and don't know who they are or what they want. But that didn't happen. I was living with her, and moving back in with my parents while I tried to find a place just felt too much like being a refugee. I convinced myself it would just reinforce the bad feelings. So we continued to live together and continued some of our old relationship patterns and I continued to think of her and myself in terms of the relationship, while the idea of being in a relationship with me continued to get more and more stifling to her. I knew things were bad and she was being horrible to me, but whenever I asked myself what I really wanted, the answer was always her. I knew it would probably never get better and things would just keep going that way till we broke up. But she was the one who wanted to break up, not me. So I just kept doing my best with her while privately dithering over when and how to break it off in the most amicable way, and she just kept distancing herself from the relationship more and more. Now it's over and she's already moved on, because this was what she wanted the whole time. I've only just started to move on. And watching her leave me behind like this is killing me.

God. I loved this girl so much. I loved this relationship so much. I don't know how we could have made something so good into something so bad. I feel the most unbelievable sense of loss. I've lost my best friend. When we broke up on Wednesday, I thought things would finally start getting better. We'd have some space and we'd be able to stop thinking of ourselves in the context of our failed relationship. I'd stop thinking of her as the bitch who broke my heart and she'd stop thinking of me as her weepy ball and chain and we'd be able to be friends again. I would have been happy to just be friends as long as I'd had time to adjust. But there's absolutely no way I can become friends with her if I'm watching her have with someone else what she used to have with me, and didn't want anymore.

I felt like I'd die if I spent another night alone in my dingy basement apartment, which is practically right next door to hers, so I took the opportunity to spend a weekend with my dad in Vancouver, thinking it'd get me out of my head a bit. Unfortunately, she and I had spent a lot of time here, and I'm even more depressed by all the painful reminders. Today I wandered through neighbourhoods we'd hung out in, walked past hotels we'd had sex in, sex shops we'd browsed in, bars we'd ignored everyone else in, I ate at our favourite ramen place, I shopped in our favourite store. I miss her so much I can't stand it. I would have been fine if it weren't for this other girl. But the fact that she's already so over me she's stumbling into a relationship with someone else makes me feel utterly meaningless. It makes me feel like things will never be ok again. I've been replaced with someone better.

One horrible thought that occurred to me today was that I'm basically reliving the other side of my last breakup, with the boy who was my first love. We'd been together 2 and a half years. I still loved him, but I'd been losing interest for a while (due to things that don't really apply in my case - he was a useless drunken stoner who'd suddenly packed on over 100 pounds in a year, lived in absolute filth and never wanted to do anything fun). He seemed to be completely clueless about how the relationship had deteriorated and I knew he'd freak if I just broke up with him, so I stuck around waiting for the right time so I wouldn't have to break his heart. I ended up treating him horribly for several months and inadvertently breaking his heart anyway. The day we broke up, I felt no sene of loss at all. I felt no fear, no conflict, no emotional rawness. I felt nothing. I was done. I guess this is how J feels about me.
girl_logic
Epinephrine, you seem like a good person. I'm not so good and so usually suck at advice. And really what Angie said is really perceptive and probably true. Myself, I would be counting on the day she emotionally fucks over your other friend too. It's easy to be a heartbreaker when you don't know what you want, but are willing to take anything or everything that's given.
epinephrine
So I've decided the best way for me to deal with this new twist by actually doing what I've been trying to do all along - to take a break from seeing or talking to J. And her wonderful new girlfriend. I wanted to tell her this and get some of my things back, so last night we made last-minute plans to go out for dinner. I hate having private discussions in public, so I went back to her place afterward so we could talk. We slipped right back into old patterns right away, just ignoring each other and watching TV. And then I turned it off and told her I couldn't get over her if I had to watch her be with someone else the way she used to be with me, that it's just too painful a reminder of what I've lost. She was understanding enough, and we talked for a few hours. I learned some things about her and my friend A that I didn't really want to hear. Like how happy they are together. And how they're more compatible than we were. And how they're already telling their friends they're together and everyone's so happy for them. I think she really feels that this new relationship is more meaningful than ours was. I could live with that if I'd had time to get over her. I mean, I hope to god this isn't the most meaningful relationsihp I'll ever have, because I'm only 22 and that would mean that I'd be looking forward to a lifetime of less meaningful relationships. But this is just way too fucking soon. She got upset when I told her I felt like I'd been replaced, and said that replacing someone is when you dump them for someone else. I disagree with that, though. I still feel like I've been replaced. And in a way I was dumped for someone else. For months and months now she hasn't wanted to be with me but didn't have the guts to actually break up with me. She only decided to face it when she started getting involved with someone else. Being in her apartment was hard. My stuff was still there, but the pictures of me were gone and there was a newspaper on the table that had my friend's writing all over it...just weird seeing physical evidence of the times.

She told me she still loves me and wants to be friends, and that she misses me when she doesn't see me. And my friend misses me too, but has apparently been too scared to call. This is just so fucked. Whenever I feel this low my first instinct is to go to her, get a hug and a kiss and feel better, but I can't do that anymore. I've been trying to reach out to my friends but it's really hard. They're all too busy to see me and I feel too depressed to see them, but I know I have to be social or I'll just get worse. That's why I've been writing such long, melodramatic posts on Bust - it's like the only friend I have right now.
girl_logic
That's what it's here for hun
(((epinephrine)))
What a surreal experience in her apartment. I believe you're making a wise choice to cut off contact with her and the other friend too.
futura
(((Epinephrine)))

Man. That is a lot to deal with. Like Girl-logic says, she's probably clueless. I mean, ofcourse you feel like you got replaced. And if she didn't know what she wanted, she still doesn't. People have a habit of slipping into old patterns if they don't deal with their personal issues. Those issues just move on right along with the next person she's with.

Anyway, it's time to focus on you. I know it's hard not to think of her, but i think you need time to yourself, time to heal. And it's a good decision you shut down contact with her and her new friend for a while. Put yourself first.

And this will pass. I'm not trying to be paternalizing or anything, 'cause this breakup has been hard on you (and the relationship meant much to you. And it must've meant something to her as well), but there are so many wonderful people out there. My bf and i broke up last year and until then i never looked at other men. I thought he was the one. He thought i was the one too, but that didn't stop him from having a new gf right away after we broke up (although i saw it coming and i made the choice to break up knowing this would follow).

Don't be hard on yourself. Take your time. Don't worry about the melodrama, Bust is a wonderful place to vent. And if you need to get it all out, we're here.

epinephrine
Thanks, guys. I'm so glad I've got a place to vent where it won't have any repercussions in my life - I just hate bringing my friends into this shit, but it's really hard not to talk about it.

I've been trying to distract myself with lots of exercise and TV, and socializing whenever possible (mostly with family), but the first thing that happens when I get depressed is I lose all motivation to do the things that will make me feel better. I've developed a routine, when I'm not working, of sleeping in as long as I can (which isn't long, because I'm not sleeping well now - I'm usually awake before 8 and up by 9, when lying in bed and thinking becomes unbearable), eating breakfast with the TV on, and walking about 25 minutes to the martial arts gym I work out at. After an hour of exercise and practice, I walk home, have a long, hot shower and some lunch, and if I have errands I'll walk back downtown and do them. In the evenings I watch movies and TV until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed and try to fall asleep as quickly as possible. If I can't sleep I'll just end up thinking about J and then I'm in for a very long, depressing, sleepless night. If I can't sleep I call my mom. So I'm basically planning my whole day around not thinking. Walking isn't easy, though - I always think when I walk. I'm not drinking any caffeine because the last time I did I couldn't get to sleep till 5 am and I just thought about her the whole time and worked myself up into a state. I'm not eating much, either, because I seem to feel nauseous with all this stress, and I'm too depressed to cook. I make sure to have the TV or the radio on at all times at home to fill the silence and keep the distraction level up. I've discovered that cardio is the best kind of exercise for depression, so I guess I'll try to start running again. I'm also planning to visit my aunt and her wife in Saskatchewan for a week. They're extra understanding toward me and my horrible lesbian drama, because they've been through it too. It's so nice having gay family. And I really need to get out of town to a place that isn't full of memories.

I think I'm going to commit myself to getting one important thing done every day - cleaning, job hunting, scholarship/university applications, etc. I'm normally good about that, but somehow the thought of getting shit done is just making me feel worse right now when it should make me feel better. I'm sure it'll be ok if I just do it.

It's only been a day and a half since I saw J and told her I wouldn't be having any contact with her for a while, but I'm finding it really difficult. I've come so close to sending her little text messages just checking to see how she's doing. Sometimes I think of telling her I made a mistake and I'd be better off trying to get over her by just being her friend and accepting that she's with someone else now. But I know I'm just looking for excuses because I'm lonely and if I talk to her now I'll just be spinning my wheels, doing the same thing I've done for the past 6 months.

It's really hard not to think of her with A. Do they see each other every night? Are they sleeping together yet? Do they hold hands in public? Does she tell A things she never told me? Do they take silly pictures in photo booths? Does J write her little love notes like she used to write me, and suddenly stopped? Does everyone tell them how cute they are together? Do they have their own little secret euphemisms and signals to each other? Does she even miss me at all? I know it's horrible and damaging to think that. I just can't stop myself sometimes. I even wrote "don't think about it" on my hand in sharpie to remind myself to stop. But I just can't.

I'm wondering how this will all turn out, though. One of the reasons she broke up with me (besides the personal incompatibility I never new about) was that she felt she was too young to have spent so much time in serious relationships. And here she is again, going straight from one into another. She may have started getting over me a long time ago, but I'd still call that a rebound. She hasn't spent any time being single and figuring out what she wants. When we got together she was new to the city and hadn't come out yet. She hadn't figured out who she was yet. I think that's part of the reason why it didn't work out - she just changed so much. I still have no idea what needs I wasn't meeting, though. I don't know if she knows either. She might just do exactly the same thing to A, and A is a sweet girl who deserves better. Then again, A might break her heart. I can't say I haven't hoped for that in my bitter moments.


Wow. I'm sort of embarrassed about all my super long posts. Oh well. Fuck it. I really do need this.
odysseylily
epinephrine -

I thought about joining this board for help to get over my ex, and then I read your posts and decided I had to join, because I feel like we're in a really similar situation. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I'm pretty much a basketcase here myself. One thing that helps, I think, is anger. It's kind of an empowering emotion, and it helps to take that first step of being glad you're not with the person anymore.

I was with this guy for 4.5 years, and he was the love of my life, honestly, the only person I have ever been completely sure I wanted to be with forever. We were very happy until pretty recently, when he seemingly decided he didn't want a relationship with me. So I ended it (just over a week ago). It was the hardest thing, but I couldn't just stay with someone who treated me like a chore.

I really don't know what to do now though. It's so hard to get used to the fact that I mean absolutely nothing to him, that he just doesn't care about me at all. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I honestly think that's the case. He showed no emotion after I ended it with him, and everytime I've seen him thereafter he's looked happier than I've seen him in a while. Tonight I was feeling so awful and tried to talk with him, and he just said he wanted to sleep. There have been so many times I missed out on sleep to talk with him when he was having a crisis. It's extra hard because I live in the apartment we used to share, and he lives directly across the street. When I go back to my hometown, it's even harder, because literally everywhere I go up there has some kind of happy memory of ours.
angie_21
Epi, hon, you don't have to be embarrassed, it's normal to go through this stuff. When my boyfriend dumped me when I was 17, I cried for weeks and was a zombie for months. I know I was younger than you are now, but it's the only breakup I have to compare it to; the only other big relationship I was in, I was the one who left him for another guy, so I was the "bad" person. All I can say is, it does hurt, you're not crazy, and it will get better. My breakup then was one of the only times I've actually let myself grieve for something instead of holding my emotions in, and I don't know if it ended up being any healthier than repressing everything and getting over it faster, but it was also one of the first times I felt something strong enough that I couldn't hold it in. I think it's just the way people are - relationships are a big deal. It sounds like you are very strong and understand a lot about the relationship and why things happened the way thay did (even if you aren't at all happy about it) so that will make it a lot easier in the future, even if it doesn't feel like it helps now.
epinephrine
Oh, man, Odysseylily. That's really harsh. That sounds a lot like my situation, only even more extreme. Except I wasn't smart enough to leave when my ex started treating me like shit. I just waited around and tried to smooth it out every time and hoped things would get better, while they just kept getting worse. And even after 6 months of fighting and neglect, I was still devastated to finally lose her. My self-esteem had been seriously damaged. I had no faith in my own decisions anymore. You definitely did the right thing getting yourself out of that situation. The memories of happier times are the hardest part - you just keep going over them and over them obsessively, thinking, why can't things still be this way? I'm still doing that, too. It's the worst kind of torture. I still haven't figured out how to stop myself once I've started, other than numbing myself with TV and distractions. But I can tell you that, as unthinkable as it seems when you're in the middle of it, it does get better with time. Even a few days makes a difference. Some days will be better than others, but when you find yourself on that downward spiral don't even bother thinking you'll never feel better because you will, every time. Come up with a system, an actual plan, for distracting yourself and getting yourself away from those emotional black holes. Write a list. Writing a list can even be one of the things you can do to distract yourself if you're weird like me and get a deep sense of satisfaction and achievement from writing them. Phone your closest friend who doesn't mind when you call them sobbing in the middle of the night. Get down on the floor and do 25 pushups every time you have a sad thought. Do something extreme to your look - it really changes how you think of yourself. Pick up your guitar and start playing. Water your plants. Paint your toenails an obnoxious colour (I painted mine a shimmery canary yellow, and they are very distracting). Anything to get you active and occupied.

It doesn't sound like he feels too badly right now about the pain he's caused you. He will wise up eventually and realize how much he's hurt someone so close to him and he'll probably feel terrible, but for now it sounds like he has nothing to offer you: no comfort, no closure, no insight, no reconciliation. Talking to him right now will probably only cause you more pain and confusion. I know exactly what you mean about anger being the first step to moving on, and it sounds like that's exactly what you need right now. Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

I'm happy to say I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm feeling pretty normal most of the time with occasional bursts of depression, rather than depressed most of the time with occasional periods of distraction. I've taken kind of a middle ground with J, talking to her a bit and even seeing her once rather than completely cutting her out of my life. It started the other day when I ran into her and A on the street and I panicked and just put my head down and walked right past them. I felt weird about it right away and texted her an apology, and spent the rest of the night agonizing about it when I didn't get a reply. I stressed myself out so much I couldn't eat for nearly a whole day. Then she called me and we talked for nearly an hour and she told me how sorry she was that things had turned out this way and that she completely understood my reaction when I saw her and A together and she wasn't upset at all. I felt a lot better afterward and I started to think that cutting J off on such a bad note would only slow down the moving on process, and I decided to have a little contact with her after all. I still have habits and patterns to break, so I can't see her much, but moving on is a lot easier when my relationship with her isn't frozen in that same resentful place. She's actually been calling and texting me quite a bit and she keeps inviting me to hang out with her, but I just don't feel ready. I did decide to go to our martial arts class together, though, and it was actually ok. We saw each other in a structured environment, we didn't get into old patterns, and we ended up having a really good talk afterward. She showed up with a hickey, which I wasn't too happy about, but I was able to deal with it. She told me she'd wanted to break up for a while but was too preoccupied with her family and job stuff to face it and she's basically considered herself to be single for the past 6 months, which hurt, but I really do believe that she loves me and cares about me as much as she says she does, even after all her fuckups and all the pain she's caused me. She told me if she was in my situation she'd be freaking out, quitting her job and leaving town, and that I'm doing really well. She knows she fucked up, and she knows she was bad to me and she really hurt me. Hanging out with her is still a bit weird, and I have to be careful not to get into my old relationship state of mind when we're together and getting along, but for now it seems to be ok and every time I see her I feel a little better about the situation. I'm being careful not to overdo it, but I think this is a good thing.
futura
(((Odyssey))))You were making a tough decision when ending it (albeit strong!). Take care of yourself. You must be overwhelmed by everything. Vent here whenever you want.

((((Epi))))) Sounds like you're dealing with it, and that you got your head screwed on right. I laughed when reading about your painted toenails; it seems you're putting things in perspective. Those are steps that lead to moving on.

I'm a bit bothered by what your ex said about being too busy with family stuff and that she considered herself single the last six months you were together. It's easy to do your own thing and consider yourself all kinds of things when in the end there's always someone to back you up. My ex did the same. I don't know your ex, i don't want to make any assumptions. Just tread carefully.
epinephrine
Futura, you're totally right. She held all the power in those months and she did a lot of flip-flopping with me. She did whatever she wanted and I'd always be there waiting for her. She claimed she wanted to be single but she never went as far as breaking up, she just kept me at arm's length. When she wanted space she'd be distant and when she was lonely I'd be there. Sometimes she'd be affectionate and loving and sometimes she'd be cold and indifferent. But whenever I wanted space, she missed me. She didn't break up with me until she'd already met someone else who'd be there when she got lonely. She claims she knew what she wanted all along and that was to be single, but I don't think she's got a ton of perspective on it yet. I mean, up until she told me she wanted to be single, she was the one pushing to move in and do all that couples stuff. I don't think she's as clear on what she wants as she thinks she is. She's a very impulsive, emotional girl, and she does a lot more doing than thinking. But now that it's over and I'm taking my space, she wants to talk to me and hang out all the time. I think she'd get mad at me for saying this and she'd tell me it's not true, but I really think she's just scared of being alone. It's fucked up, and she hurt me a lot being that way, but it's not my problem anymore.

But at the end of the day, after all the shit she put me through, I think she was just being profoundly immature and she never actually wanted to hurt me. I know, because I was her once. I know the situation is totally unfair, but I still love her and care about her more than anybody else, and I know she loves me and cares about me as much as she says she does. So until the dust finally starts to settle, that's my mantra.

On the other hand, I haven't spoken to my friend A since I found out she was taking my place as J's girlfriend. It's one thing talking to the ex who's seeing someone new, but talking to the friend who's dating your ex is just fucking weird. I don't even know what to say to her, and I'm definitely not ready to face her yet. She sent me a message on Facebook today telling me she knows I'm hurt but she hopes we can be friends again one day, that she cherishes our friendship and that she misses me. What the fuck do you say to that? I don't see myself calling her up or initiating anything for a while. I think the next time I talk to her will probably be when we randomly bump into each other somewhere.

One thing I don't get is, if they both knew how much it would hurt me, why did they start dating anyway? I could never date a friend's ex. I couldn't live with it. I just wouldn't be happy.
jupiteregg
Oh dear. I responded to a booty call. First post-breakup sex. I came, but she didn't. crap. I just want my home back. I'll be back when I can put sentences together. Love you busties. We'll come out on top.
Persiflager
((jupiteregg)) Keep posting, we're here for you. This will get better.

((epinephrine)) I'm glad you're able to talk to J, but I'm not sure either her or A are the right people to be talking to about the break-up and how you feel. I might be being hugely unfair, but I get the feeling there's a slight ego element to this for them. i.e. 'epinephrine is hurt' implies that 'J did the breaking up and/or is awesome', and that implies 'A did well'.

I just hate the idea of them sitting around together talking about how upset you are and how guilty they feel (and, therefore, how great/noble/epic their love is).

I think talking to J can be healthy, but that discussing the break-up should probably wait until the dust has settled and you've both got a bit of perspective.

I'm not surprised that A is trying to talk to you - she probably feels guilty, and wants you to absolve her of that guilt.

Also, before I forget, that is so crappy of J to say that she 'considered herself to be single'! That's not how it works! I assume this is how she's justifying whatever happened with her and A, but it's a shitty thing to say.
futura
(((((Jupiteregg)))))

Epinephrine..the fact that J is and has been clueless about how her actions have been hurting you does not take away her responsibility. Whether or not intentional, your feelings were hurt and your feelings are valid. You keep going over about how this happened, you try to gain some perspective, while she's out there doing the same thing over again. It might be too soon to just hang out with J (although you are the best judge of that yourself). It sounds like she needs you around so she can tell herself it's all ok. And like Persiflager says, A wants to talk to you so she can feel less guilty.

the whole 'considering herself single' thing is a huge red flag for me.
candycane_girl
Well, it's over. He cancelled on me twice so I got pissed and told him that I was done. We finally talked today, on the phone. He told me that he had been leery about getting into a relationship in the first place and that he had never really intended to. He said that he just has too much going on right now and that he loves me but he can't be in a relationship. He acknowledged that he treated me badly and that I deserve much better but says that he just can't give that to me right now. I know that he's going through a lot but I just wanted to be there for him.

It was so hard. Both of us crying and saying "I love you". I hate this. If he loves me so much why can't he just be with me? I tried suggesting that maybe we just take a break but it's not going to happen. I wish that he had never responded to my ad. I wish that he had never given me cards describing how incredible I am and how much he cares about me. I wish he had never said "I love you". Never.

All I want is to be in his arms. I love him so much. I've been crying so much if feels like my eyes are going to explode. I want so badly to talk to him but it won't do any good. I don't know what to do right now. I love him so much.
epinephrine
Aww, CC, I'm so sorry. Welcome to the fold, I guess. At least you know where you stand with each other now. As much as it sucks now, you will be happier for that. Hope you feel better soon. (((candycane_girl)))

It's been three days now since I had any contact with J. That's about as long as we've ever gone without contact. It's confusing, because whenever I don't talk to her for a while I start to think about all the mistakes she made in the relationship and I just stew and get really mad and feel like I just can't forgive her for fucking me over so badly, but when I talk to her I feel like it's really not so bad and with a little time I'll be ok and we'll be friends again and I just forgive her like *that*. I guess she's just hard to stay mad at. But it's so confusing to me. I really am upset at the way she took me for granted and strung me along. I think she's been really unfair to me. She had a problem that she wouldn't take responsibility for, and she tried to pass it off on me to deal with. She didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, but she wouldn't just end it. She gave me a bunch of really vague bullshit about feeling trapped and not wanting to be in a serious relationship, but she could never tell me what she actually did want, and then she just did whatever she felt like and gave me a lot of seriously mixed messages. I didn't know if we were together and trying to work it out, together and taking a break, or just friends. Depending on her mood, we could have been any of those. I was always very clear with her about what I wanted. I put it right on the table, as clearly as I could, and if she didn't want what I wanted she should have said something. But she never did. When I confronted her about her obvious lack of interest in saving the relationship, she would always try to pass the blame off on me, basically saying that she was just being herself and that I was being too sensitive, and if I wasn't happy I should leave. I really wanted to be with her and I really wanted to believe the relationship could be saved, so I just believed her. She let me make all the effort, and she let me take all the blame. She's starting to take a little responsibility now, and acknowledges that she treated me like shit and strung me along for months, and I guess that's why I forgive her so fast now. But I guess I just feel like it isn't enough. The fact that she's already moved on to someone else shows that she really hasn't learned her lesson, and she really doesn't see or care about all the mistakes she made. We're not done. We still have shit to work out. And here she is, falling in love with someone else like nothing that happened between us even matters anymore. I feel like she really needs to be kicked in the ass by her own stupid decisions. I feel like she needs to feel some of the pain she's caused me.

I suppose in order to really move on, though, I have to start taking more responsibility myself. I think I've been making myself into a victim. I could have left. I could have told her I was done. But I didn't. And that's nobody's fault but mine. I just didn't know who to believe anymore - my brain, my instincts, my emotions, or her. I really, really wish we'd just made a clean break when things first got derailed 6 months ago. I know I shouldn't even have those thoughts and they just make me worse, but there they are.
kittenb
{{{candycane_girl}}} I am so sorry to hear about this. However, I am really proud of you for standing up for yourself and making you and your needs the priority. That must have been hard.
I wish I had something to say that would make this better, but, of course, no one does. However, post here as much as you want and ask for any support you need.

candycane_girl
Thanks, ladies. The hard part is just knowing that he loves me. It's like he said, it would be so much easier if he didn't love me or we had a big fight or there was someone else. But instead it's just this "I can't be in a relationship right now" stuff. I just don't understand.

I know that he has a lot of really huge issues to work through right now (money issues, stuff that involves therapy, etc) but I just want to be there for him while he sorts through it. I keep hoping and wondering if there would be some way that we could work it out.

I don't know why I'm torturing myself by looking at okcupid and craigslist. We met on craigslist but I was the one who placed the ad. I just feel like I'll never find another guy as incredible as him. I don't want to live without him. I need him in my life. He agreed that we always have fun when we're together. I just don't understand why we can't be together.
Persiflager
((candycane_girl))

I am so sorry to hear that you've broken up. It sounded like your relationship had a lot of strengths, and it must be so frustrating not knowing why you're not together any more. He loved you because you are incredible, and others will see it. And he cares enough about you to want you to be happy, and he recognizes that he's not capable of giving you that. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but those are good things.

My last break-up was very similar - it was heart-breaking at the time, but I'm now really greatful that it ended the way it did, rather than descending into arguments and resentment.

((epinephrine))

Ugh, she's dragged you into a miserable position. I don't think you should blame yourself for trying to fix the relationship - if you hadn't, you might have always wondered if it would have worked. And I don't think you should look to her for any kind of closure - she's probably never going to fully own up to her shit.

Are there any good masseurs near you? Body contact can be really healing, especially as I think you said the physical affection had been lacking for long time. Treat yourself - you really do deserve it smile.gif
candycane_girl
This morning I was at that really angry point of the breakup. I felt like he led me on since he stated that he had never intended on getting into a relationship in the first place. If he wasn't looking for anything then why the fuck did he look at the CL personals?

We talked on the phone today because I have a book that I need to get back to him. And of course we started talking about more that just that. What I really want to understand is why he keeps insisting that we would have broken up anyway and he kept saying that "nothing lasts forever". I think that he has major abandonment issues due to stuff that happened early on in his life which I'm not going to talk about here (it's not fair to him). But I'm willing to wait a while for him to at least start sorting out those issues. It's not like I'm going to meet anyone in the meantime.

That's another problem I have. Before him I hadn't been in a relationship for 4 years. I just don't meet people. Guys don't look at me. And it is so hard because he and I are so great together. We always have fun, we share all the same interests. I just want him.

I'm tempted to put up another CL ad just to see if I could ever find anyone like him. It's stupid and I won't do it but I want to.
candycane_girl
Hello again. I don't know if anyone is reading this but it kind of helps just to type it out.

He came over today to get a book that I had borrowed from him. We talked and it wasn't the greatest. We both cried. It pisses me off that he's basically afraid of commitment. I know that it's not solely a guy thing but wtf is wrong with men? If you love someone then what's the problem?

Anyway, we agreed to talk again in a month. He's not promising anything but at least we can spend some time apart and then see where we are. I don't want to get my hopes up. Maybe by then I'll be used to being on my own again. I don't know.

In the meantime, I've found one show that makes me feel better. It's called Love You To Death and it's narrated by John Waters. It's based on true stories about married couples where things went sour and one spouse killed the other.
kittenb
QUOTE
If you love someone then what's the problem?
Being in love doesn't mean that there are no problems. For whatever reason, he wasn't able to be in this relationship. I don't know why. I doubt he knows why. However, I do believe that it wasn't because of you. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. You may never know his real reasons why. You are the only part of this that you have any control over. Please be kind to yourself. I understand how hard this must be and that you are scared that you will be alone. I am sure that everyone has already tossed out the, "There's nothing wrong w/being single," comments that I used to get for such a long time. And you and I both know that there isn't anything wrong with being single. It is just that singlehood can suck as often as it can be great.
I'm not going to cliche you. Just take care of yourself and let him work on him.
{{{hugs}}}
candycane_girl
I know that there are a lot of issues with him. Hell I can list them off:

-he got out of a 7 year relationship last year and barely had 6 months on his own (even I know that people getting out of long relationships should spend a long time alone)
-he's afraid of the responsibility (aka commitment) of a relationship
-things moved too fast between us
-he didn't expect to meet someone he would love so soon after his last relationship
-he has major abandonment issues which relate to family issues because of his asshole parents
-he didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place

I didn't really mean that there should be no problems if we both love each other. I just keep thinking that if you love someone then you will work hard to be with that person.

He did go to the trouble of telling me over and over again that I didn't do anything wrong (although I will admit to being really clingy and being impatient about him returning my calls). At one point a few days ago I had gotten really mad and told him that he led me on. Today he said that he did by saying such wonderful things to me and acting like he wanted to be in a relationship

Kitten, thank you so much for realizing that cliche! The thing about being single is that for me, it lasts a long time. I simply do not meet men. Singlehood would be fine if it lasted a few months or even a year but when I can go 4 years without anyone so much as giving me a second look, yes, it makes me feel like worthless shit. What's worse is that I am now fat and that certainly doesn't help with my looks. Everyone I know tells me that I am really beautiful but I know that I would look better if I shed at least 50 pounds.

For some reason it really bugged me today when he said that he would never have expected to meet someone like me on Craigslist. It never occurred to him that I might need to use the internet to find a date.


odysseylily
Hey guys, I'm back. Thank you all for being so supportive. CCGirl, that just sucks. I'm so sorry. My ex has similar stuff going on, and I get how bad that feels. I too don't understand why, if you love someone, you wouldn't do everything you could to be with them. Love doesn't happen every day.

The ex and I are no longer on speaking terms, as of five days ago. It's really painful because we had decided to be friendly, and in the past when we've broken up we've always kept in contact, but this time we had a big fight. I had asked him to honestly tell me, yes or no, whether he had feelings for me. He said no. We went on to have the big fight, and he hung up on me (I was being bitchy, but still). So. It's really, really over, I guess.

Today's been bad. I'm back in the city we both live in, and there's nothing to stop me from going to his house (can't remember if I mentioned we're cross the street from each other) and saying something embarrassing. I'll be here for five days and I'm afraid I won't have the willpower to just avoid him.

A few days before our big fight, he said he still loved me and we should just hang out as friends for a while, then revisit things in a few months. Which I thought was a good idea. Then, couple days later, no feelings for me at all. I confronted him about this and he got all defensive, basically saying, "What? That was days ago! I thought about it and changed my mind." Fucking hell . . .

This whole thing has triggered my depression in a major way. I'm seeing a psychiatrist now. I do have good spurts, and I'm working on writing, guitar, hopefully making enough money to travel a bit. Even just writing this has helped. Hugs to all of you out there.
kittenb
QUOTE
Kitten, thank you so much for realizing that cliche! The thing about being single is that for me, it lasts a long time. I simply do not meet men. Singlehood would be fine if it lasted a few months or even a year but when I can go 4 years without anyone so much as giving me a second look, yes, it makes me feel like worthless shit. What's worse is that I am now fat and that certainly doesn't help with my looks. Everyone I know tells me that I am really beautiful but I know that I would look better if I shed at least 50 pounds.


Candycane_girl, I am going to have to give you one cliche. You will not find in someone else what you cannot find in yourself. If you feel like you are "worthless shit" because noone notices you, than there is something in you that really feels that you are worthless. You are not. But you will never find yourself in someone else's eyes. It just doesn't work that way. As for the weight thing, if it bothers you enough that you want to change that, go for it. You will find support here. If you decide that you don't want to change it and you just want to find the fatshionista within you, go for it. You will also find support for that (that is more what I have decided to do rolleyes.gif. I get the benefits of working out while still eating ice cream.)

Being fat doesn't make you worthless.
Having someone break up with you doesn't make you worthless.
Breaking up with someone doesn't make you worthless.
Being single doesn't make you worthless.
Nothing can make you worthless. You have an inherent worth simply because you are human and you are alive. Everything else that you bring to the party by being Candycane_girl simply adds to your worth.

The tril will be that you need to see this in yourself. It might be a lot of effort but it will be worth it to find the greatness that is you. Go for it.
Persiflager
Also, just because it was 4 years last time doesn't mean it will be 4 years this time.

It's clear from your posts how good he made you feel about yourself, and those memories will still be there when the hurt has faded.
candycane_girl
(((odysseylily)))) I can't imagine living on the same street as an ex. Also, it sucks that he said he loved you and then the next minute said he didn't have any feelings. I can understand how that would lead to a big fight. How many times have you two broken up before?

I don't always feel like shit. Most of the time I feel pretty good about myself. But I'm not going to lie and say that I love going out with my friends and seeing guys hit on all of them while avoiding me like the plague. I know that I am a great person to be around and that I at least have a pretty face. It's like the boy said, he didn't think that someone like me would have to resort to internet dating.

I know that being fat doesn't make me worthless but let's face it. We have a certain biological response to search for people who look like they would make the best mates. And even though we don't realize it, when we see fat people we see lazy, unhealthy people. I wanted to lose weight regardless of whether or not there was someone in my life but at least I had a guy who loved me for who I am and was supportive. I still remember one time when he said, "I wish you could see yourself the way I do." That meant the world to me.

As for the time spent in between boyfriends, that is just the pattern for me. This guy was only my third boyfriend ever. Between the first two boyfriends was a period of 4 years. And between him and the last one was a period of 4 years. I absolutely do not want to go another 4 fucking years before meeting someone.

And I know it's stupid to say but I want this guy to be the one! Not only do we have everything in common but for fuck's sake, we are from the same neighbourhood in the same town that is 400km away! I mean, what were the chances of us meeting? It felt like fate.

I know I'm probably coming off as a bit angry but I am. This is what's up:

-I hate being fat
-I feel like losing weight is one of the few things that would really help me feel complete as a person
-If I'm going to be honest, I could stand to lose 100 pounds not 50
-I want him back and for us to work things out

I can only hope that in one month he realizes what we have and how special it is. I think he already does but he's afraid of it.

Persiflager, I'm glad you noticed how special he is to me and how happy I was to be with him. It's like I said, I always loved every moment that we spent together.
period_monster
((((those who need some hugs))) Bitch mag posts a "mixtape" every Friday, and this week's covers the stages of breaking up. It's pretty fantastic, and might be helpful to those whose relationships have recently ended. here's the link:

http://bitchmagazine.org/post/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do


odysseylily
Thanks, period_monster!
candycane_girl, we've broken up lots of times. Like four times that he initiated, at least. I know how shitty that sounds. Thing is, he's got an untreated mental illness (probably bipolar) and it's been because of that. He won't get treated for it. Apart from the fact that we can't be together, this worries the hell out of me because I'm terrified he'll end up killing himself. I know that if we had stayed together, I couldn't have felt secure with the constant roller coaster ride he was on, and me with him. And I really could not deal with it. I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown at the point when I broke up with him.

That said, god, I miss him, I miss him. Up until very recently in our relationship it was good times. The best. He was the most romantic, loving, considerate partner ever (during those times). But during the bad times, he was so cold and manipulative and indifferent. I told him it was like dating two different people. He said it was because he's bipolar. But he won't even see a counselor. Won't do anything about it. I feel so incredibly rejected. It's so hard to reconcile that the person who was so excited about spending the rest of his life with me, is the same person who won't even talk to me.

Well. I can't write anything coherently right now, so I'd better go.
candycane_girl
OL, I can't imagine how tough it must be to deal with someone who is bipolar. Was he ever officially diagnosed?
It's not the same thing but my family has always suspected that my grandfather is bipolar. For a long time he'll be incredibly happy and come up with these really big crazy ideas. Like, just things that have no purpose and aren't all that plausible. Then when they don't go through he gets really depressed. He snaps at everyone and he is horrible to be around. His doctor has asked him to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated but he refuses.

Anyway, sorry for getting off topic. The problem with mental illness is that you can't force someone to get help unless they are a danger to themselves or others. When I went through my first incredibly bad depression it was very hard but I was desperate to get help so I sought it. But I think that a lot of people reject help because there is still such a stigma attached to mental illness.

Thanks for that link PM. I don't usually listen to the type of music that was listed but I'll check the songs out anyway. I'm still finding it really hard because I'm not mad at him. I was a little bit mad at him for feeling like he led me on but he admitted that he felt strongly about me so he just went with it and told me how he felt. Maybe he was trying to ignore his original feelings of not wanting a relationship. Anyway, it would just be so much easier if I was angry at him or if we had a big fight. Instead I'm just hoping that he is okay and that in a month he'll realize that what we had was special.
odysseylily
I don't know if he was officially diagnosed; I got conflicting info. That is what he thinks though. My dad and two of my good friends are bipolar too. They all are in therapy and on medication, and think my ex is pretty low for using it as an excuse but doing nothing about it. My ex isn't a danger to anybody else, but I think he is a danger to himself. That is what scares the hell out of me. He is such an amazing person in so many ways, and has been a wonderful influence on my life, except in recent times. If he killed himself I would fall apart. I can't understand not wanting to get help. I was diagnosed with severe depression and I'm always keeping an eye on it, it's just too painful otherwise. I am extremely leery about taking medication, because of bad effects I've had before, but I can recognize when I'm getting to the point where I need therapy or therapy + medication, even though I'm pretty good at handling it myself.

Sorry, that was kind of off topic. I've been feeling kind of catatonic today, just lying in bed trying to not feel anything. I hate being on bad terms with the ex. At least when we talk I'm reminded of how awful he can be. When there's no contact, I think of the good times, and what could he be doing/feeling that he doesn't want to talk to me. There was one time in the past where we split up and I was almost over him. It was right around Christmas and I had so many distractions - out with friends nearly every night, hooked up with someone I had had a longstanding crush on, the ex had finally shown his truly fucked up colors and I saw how futile it was. Then he ambushed me with love and sweetness, wrote me poems and called me (like he used to) and it was all what I wanted to hear, and I thought it could be good again so I took him back. I wish I had never laid eyes on him. It's hard to be angry at him because he didn't ask to have a mental illness. I know he's in a lot of pain and he's doing the best he can. But when we were together I felt like I had found the person I was supposed to spend my life with. I was happier than I ever thought possible. And now it's all gone to shit and I'm just really sad.

Has anyone here been in a situation like that, where you thought you met your soulmate basically, and lost them? Did you meet someone better?
odysseylily
And I just found this mix tape he had made me when he was trying to get me back before. He put my picture on the front with hearts drawn around it. Goddamnit. I don't see how he can have no feelings for me now.

In other news I got a record player which makes me proud. These lines from a song stood out to me:
you don't impress me
i'm sorry that you're chained to the ground
you don't impress me
you can't be satisfied anyhow
epinephrine
((((Odysseylily, CCGirl, and everyone else))))

Well, 3 weeks have passed since I first found out J had left me for someone else. I'm still not doing great. I'm barely eating, and I spend a lot of time feeling nauseous. I can't sleep well, either. I'm waking up at odd hours and tossing and turning. I get waves of depression so powerful I feel like I'll die. I hate my lonely, dark little apartment so much. I get so lonely at night I call people and talk for as long as I can, and I'm scared to hang up the phone. I keep noticing things that make me think of her - songs on the radio, things in my house that she gave me, places we used to go together - and I just suddenly start crying. It keeps happening at work because they always have a top-40 radio station on that plays a lot of songs that remind me of her. I don't understand why things had to happen the way they did. I don't understand how something so good could have gotten so bad. I don't understand why she pushed the relationship further and further and suddenly changed her mind. I don't understand why she stopped wanting to be with me. I don't understand why she doesn't miss me like I miss her. I don't understand how she can go from our intense 2-year relationship, with all its highs and lows, straight into another relationship without any time in between. None of it makes any fucking sense to me. What we had just felt so real. I don't understand how I could have misunderstood that so completely.

I accepted a while ago that we were better off breaking up than staying together, but that was only because she wanted out. I still wanted her, I still wanted the relationship, and I was willing to work it out, but she wasn't. I knew there was nothing I could do about that. So when we broke up, 4 days before she told me she was involved with someone else, I was happy, because I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't going to work out and knew that an amicable breakup was the best we'd get. I had moved on to the point where I had accepted that it was over. But that was as far as I was able to get. I had no time to move on any further than that before I found out about A. And that just changed everything. It changed how I saw our whole relationship. I knew I'd miss the old times when we broke up, but I knew I'd still be ok because we'd come to a consensus on the best thing for us and I wouldn't regret something that was good for me. But I miss her so much more knowing that she's with someone else, because while, in essence, it doesn't change anything - we'd still be broken up if it weren't for A - it means that I really am alone now. I'm not in her thoughts the way she's in mine. I'm so much more insignificant with someone else taking my place. There's nothing to take comfort in.

As crazy and masochistic and counterintuitive as it sounds, keeping her and A in my life seems to be the best way for me to move on. Whenever I cut off contact for a few days I end up spending all my time thinking about it and it just consumes me, and the anger and depression just escalate. I end up making a huge victim out of myself and my perception of the situation becomes distorted. It's just bad for me. And it also ensures that I go that much longer without closure - I just leave my relationship with them both in that same bitter, resentful place, and there's no forward movement. One of the biggest problems I had with the fact that J moved on so fast was that I never had a chance to see her as a friend before I had to watch her move on. It had only been 4 days - not even long enough to start really seeing her as my ex. I still thought of her as my girlfriend. So now, even with this considerable handicap, I'm trying to learn how to be her friend. It helps me a lot, because it reminds me that, as much as she fucked me over, she really does care about me, and while I don't occupy the place in her life I'd like to, I'm still significant to her. She really does enjoy my company and she really does love me and want me in her life. She's just an idiot who made some incredibly immature and irresponsible choices. That's something I tend to forget when we lose contact. And I hung out with A last night. We had fun - we bought a bottle of wine and some caviar and had a picnic on the beach, and when it got too cold we got another bottle of wine and played cards till she had to catch her bus. I do feel like they're paying lip service to my feelings, because they both talk about how they never wanted to hurt me, but it didn't change how they acted so they obviously don't care that much. I get really angry when I think about that, but then I remind myself that it actually does help me to hang out with them a bit, and I'm doing it for myself, not them. I do wish they felt guiltier about this, but that's useless wishful thinking and it's also a little petty. J keeps pushing for me to hang out with them both together, which I'm not ready for. She really does want to feel better about what she's done. She's having trouble eating and sleeping, too. I felt a mean, vindictive little thrill when she told me that. Serves her right.
Persiflager
((((epinephrine))))

I think you're doing the right thing by hanging out with them separately. I also think it's really good that you're being clear with J about what you need, and not letting her push you into hanging out with them together to assuage her guilt.

Is there anything you can do to brighten up your apartment? I got some colourful pictures from a charity shop that made a big difference to my last place. A mirror and a few fairy lights could also help. You deserve a nice, calm, safe, comforting home where you can be happy.

I know what you're going through. You think you need to process all these thoughts and feelings in order to move on, but your subconscious is actually capable of doing a lot of the work for you, if you can distract your conscious mind for a while.

It's great that you put so much effort into your friendships, but don't let it come at the expense of taking care of yourself.
epinephrine
I bought some paint today and I'm going to finally paint the trim and windowsills in my bedroom. They've been driving me crazy, and It'll make me feel a little better about being there. I'm also stocking up on new music to break out of the massive music rut I've been in since I lost my internet connection. I've actually done a ton of work on the place, but that doesn't make it any less lonely. I've painted every room and put up pictures and mirrors and plants and lots of lights and candles and stuff. But all the colours and lights and pretty fabrics in the world won't replace a warm snuggly person in my bed. I've never felt so lonely in my entire life.

But I hung out with 2 people I don't normally hang out with this weekend, which is a really good start. One was actually a total stranger, a neighbor who I'd seen around in J's building and who I ran into at a performance of Hedwig on Friday. We bumped into each other afterward right outside the neighbourhood pub, and we went for a beer. She's really nice, and it was just such a refreshingly spontaneous social encounter. I'm not a very social person and I'm really good at coming up with excuses not to socialize with people, and I'm very guarded around strangers, so making new friends is really hard for me. It was really good to get out of my comfort zone like that. I think I'll call her and hang out with her again this week. I also hung out with an old friend from high school - she's actually the first girl I ever dated, but that's really just a technicality. We were young and she was confused and we dated for about 9 days before she told me it wasn't her thing. I still have the breakup letter she gave me on the bus. But it wasn't a big deal and we stayed friends for a while before losing touch, and then we reconnected in college. We had a really good time yesterday, and she's got a real social intelligence that makes her a great person to talk to when you're going through something. I'll definitely be hanging out with her again.

J called me first thing this morning asking if I wanted to go for breakfast. I immediately felt nauseous but accepted anyway, and the nausea persisted until after lunch. We had an ok time, did a bit of shopping and ate at a really cool little restaurant we'd been forgetting to try out for years. We talked a bit about our situation and that was ok too. I don't know exactly what triggered me, but I felt like I was in shock all morning. I was spacy and sick and just felt really strange. Maybe it's just because it's the first time I've seen her since I saw A. I'm trying to stay positive, and sometimes it's easy, but a lot of the time it's really hard. I think I'm also suffering from a lack of exercise because I've worked almost every day since I got back from my aunts' place and I hate exercising at night, so I'm going to try to go for a run today. Oh, and I'm definitely booking a massage with my next paycheck. I've needed one for years and I've never really had one.
jupiteregg
I wish I had fucked one of her friends at the wedding. Unfortunately, they're all happily married. That would have been so much better than sleeping next to her on that nasty roach motel mattress.
Now she's just fucking with my head and I keep coming back for more.
Thanks for the mixtape link. Good stuff.
I feel like I have to find a new gf before she does. Fucked up. I have a date this week. I feel really sorry for this woman. Don't sleep with her, don't sleep with her, don't sleep with her.
I feel repulsive again. Holding onto nothing. ug.
Persiflager
(((jupiteregg))) What's going on?

(((epinephrine))) That's fantastic about the spontaneous socialising! Was she cute? wink.gif

futura
(((((Jupiteregg))))

(((Epinephrine)))))) Ditto on the spontaneous socializing! I know it's hard, but it's good to step out of your comfort zone and meet new people. Awesome!
candycane_girl
I had a dream about him last night. It was really weird. In the dream, I had broken my promise not to contact him for a month and called him to hang out but he didn't seem to mind that I had called. So he comes over but then says something about how he just went to the dentist and how I need to go to the dentist too. So even though it's late at night I go over to my university which in my dream has some kind of dental school program and I sign in but then I leave. I kept trying to walk back to my apartment so that I could be with him but it was like I just couldn't walk properly. It was such a weird dream.

I'm still feeling incredibly sad but I haven't been crying as much. It's hard though, it feels like it's in there somewhere but I just can't cry. I feel so lazy and tired. I told myself I would work out today and so far all I've done is eat breakfast and watch Law and Order. And I've somehow managed to waste 2 hours on my computer.

I just keep thinking about how much I want him back, about how great we are together. I'm so sick of hearing "this has all happened so that you'll meet someone better". Um, fuck off. I don't want to hear that shit right now. I don't know how to get across to people that this guy and I are perfect together. That we have everything in common, that we always have fun together and that we both love each other.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well.
epinephrine
I hung out with another old friend yesterday, which puts me up to 3 friendly social encounters in a week! That's not including those with J and A, which were kind of different because they were more about reaching in than reaching out. So that's good. But I've hung out with J 3 times in the last 4 days, which I've decided feels like too much. I feel like I need to keep in touch and see her every now and then for a reality check, so I remember that she still loves me and that she didn't hurt me on purpose because she hates me, which is what I start to think whenever I isolate myself from her for a while, but I've realized there's only so much closure she can give me at one time. Now I feel like I need space and I don't want to see her. It's hard because if she calls me up when I've got nothing to do, I can't just tell her I can't hang out and then just sit around alone. It's just too depressing. We're enrolled in a martial arts class together, which makes things a little more complicated. We still haven't cancelled our joint membership and told them we've split up. It just feels too much like an ending. So we're doing our last 2 lessons together for this month and starting next month with separate memberships. It's going to be awkward, for them as well as us. It's just embarrassing to take our personal shit there with us.

I've decided I probably will move in with my aunts for the summer. I realized that what I need more than anything right now is to get out of my comfort zone and shake myself up a bit, stop seeing myself the way I've seen myself for the past 2 years. So I'm waiting for my landlady to get back from her vacation and then I'll ask if she'd let me leave for a few months without paying rent. I'm sure she'll say yes. And then I'll straighten up my apartment, pack some essentials, buy a one-way ticket to Saskatchewan, and leave all this shit behind. It'll be hard and I'm nervous about it, and I'm not sure if Saskatchewan is where I want to be, but at least I'm doing something. And I'll save a lot of money on rent, which will be great.
candycane_girl
Epinephrine, are you Canadian? I'm just curious because of your comment about going to Saskatchewan.

I'm thinking of going home for about two weeks. I had such a great time with my mom this weekend that I figured it might really help me if I go home for a little bit. It was a nice distraction to have her around and have someone to talk to.

I keep trying to stay busy but it's so difficult because I don't really feel like getting out of bed. I know that there are so many things I could focus on (reading, my summer class, exercising, cleaning up my apartment, cooking) but instead I just keep spending my time watching daytime tv and having naps.

I realize I sounded a bit angry in my last post but I just feel like I'm not being given time to wallow.
Persiflager
Yay for candycane_girl and epinephrine! A change of scenery is always good, and mums and aunts are awesome. Good for both of you for taking care of yourselves.
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