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candycane_girl
Thanks, ladies. On Saturday night my friend came over and we ended up renting this ridiculous but funny movie starring Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin called Big Business. It was a bit annoying though that everyone paired off in the end. I ended up crying after the movie for a bit and talked to my mom for nearly an hour and a half on the phone. At least I have her.

Amazingly, I haven't really cried since it first happened on Saturday. I teared up a little bit last night but I couldn't really bring myself to cry. I'm going to respond to his email but I went to write back to him last night and it was hard. It was like I couldn't even type so I'm just going to leave it for a few days.

I'm just so mad at him. He said that he felt so bad when he saw me back in June (we had agreed to meet up after a month) that he thought it would be easier to kind of "wean me off" of seeing him rather than just ending things right away. Well, I thought the complete opposite. I thought that we were slowly working our way back into a full time relationship. I don't understand how a person could not feel a spark for someone but then write about how they can't wait to see that person and how spending time with that person is what makes an event really special.

There are two really horrible things to come out of this: the first is that I'm alone again. Before him the last relationship I had ended in 2005! I am not the kind of girl who comes by dates easily. The other horrible thing is that I still feel that spark for him. If he decided that he was wrong and that actually he does have that burning desire to be with me I would probably take him back. Ugh.

Oh, and just to make matters better it feels like every fucking person I know is in a relationship.
odysseylily
"I'm just so mad at him. He said that he felt so bad when he saw me back in June (we had agreed to meet up after a month) that he thought it would be easier to kind of "wean me off" of seeing him rather than just ending things right away. Well, I thought the complete opposite. I thought that we were slowly working our way back into a full time relationship. I don't understand how a person could not feel a spark for someone but then write about how they can't wait to see that person and how spending time with that person is what makes an event really special."

CC_girl, if I'm understanding you correctly, that was a blatantly fucked up thing for him to do. Breakups always hurt and "weaning someone off" of a relationship is a MORE painful way to do it. I know because I feel like that is what happened with my ex. I feel like your ex was being dishonest and cruel. I lurk sometimes in the general relationship thread and from what you posted there about him, it sounds like he was saying one thing and acting another way. Perhaps it's not my place to say all this, but I can't help but be really pissed off at this guy for treating you like this.

"The other horrible thing is that I still feel that spark for him. If he decided that he was wrong and that actually he does have that burning desire to be with me I would probably take him back. Ugh."

I get where you're coming from here. I have similar feelings for my ex. But, after 3 months apart, some of those feelings are starting to be replaced with feelings of relief that I don't have to deal with the pain that comes from being with someone who doesn't treat me great. I feel confident that the same thing will happen for you.

Hugs, and good luck.
culturehandy
ccg, why even bother responding to his email?

And weaning you off?? You don't wean someone off a relationship...that's pretty mean.

here's my question for you, what is so horrible about being alone? Getting to know you? I understand lonliness can be a terrible thing, but it seems that you have a really good support network in place.

Stay strong

(((busties)))

auralpoison
CC_G, fuck him & his email. He's trying assuage his guilt because he knows he did some straight up dickhead shit to you here. "Weaning" you off your relationship? What are you, some kind of baby mammal? Drawing things out because you're too selfish or too much of a pussy to break it off is just evil.

I think you do need some alone time so you can get to know & more importantly, get to like you again. I've noticed that you get kind of down on yourself sometimes & that needs to stop, ASAP. If we love you so much, you're obviously doing something right, right?

Being alone is okay. I know that books, tv, movies, the media treat being single as some sort of deranged alternative lifestyle, but it's not. I am by nature a solitary person & I like it that way. I've always enjoyed my bouts of serial monogamy, but without a doubt I generally prefer being solo.

Do something! I know your job/school keeps you busy, but did you ever take that self-defense class? Now would be a good time. Try out some martial arts classes or something: self-defense & a new exercise regime. Honestly, I think completing just that would make you feel really good. Just issue a few tiny personal challenges that help you grow & find out something new about yourself. And most importantly, have some fun!
epinephrine
So my first week back at home is going well. The past two days have been a little strange, though. I spent the evening with a mutual friend of J's and mine who I've always been really close to. He's managed to maintain an admirably neutral relationship with both of us throughout this nightmarish breakup, and I try really hard not to talk about her around him because it's just poor taste, but the three of us had spent a lot of time together and he's just one of those guys you can talk to, and she does come up in the conversation sometimes. It felt strange hanging out with one of J's friends, even though he's always been my friend, too (and I've known him for quite a bit longer). It was the closest her presence has felt since I left, and it was...a little jarring. Especially when he mentioned that he'd seen her only that morning. He said that she'd told him "she understands if I don't want to talk to her, but she wouldn't mind if I called." I'm definitely not going to call her, but frankly I was surprised to hear that she'd understand why I don't want to talk to her. One of my big reservations about cutting off contact with her was that I'd totally lose track of the reality of what happened between us and start to see myself as a huge, helpless victim, which, sadly, appears to be the case. The longer I go without talking to her, the more certain I become that she's evil incarnate, which isn't good, but I just can't fight it, so I'm trying to address it as part of the healing process and not as reality. Anyway, I've been seeing her lately as a totally cold, selfish, dishonest person who refuses to take responsibilty for the pain and destruction she caused, and I wouldn't have expected her to say she understood why I wouldn't want to talk to her. She'd bloody well better understand. But she's said a lot of shit to sound understanding that she clearly didn't mean, so...whatever. So there was that, which kind of cast a pall over my mood, and then today I started martial arts lessons at the dojo we used to go to together. So her presence has been very...present...for the past two days, and it's been strange, and a little depressing. But I'm ok.

Anyway, I think she's staying at her mom's place in Vancouver until she goes to China, so I won't have to worry about running into her anywhere. I've been keeping busy getting my affairs in order and my apartment looking spiffy, and I'm delighted to say that it no longer depresses me the way it did before I left. I'm quite comfortable there, even alone. I realized this week that I have absolutely no happy memories with J in my apartment, even though I lived there for over 4 months before we broke up. A lot of the things that I thought would bother me when I got back have actually been no problem at all - the transition has been easier than I thought. I'm eating normally, not feeling sick or anything, and spending lots of time with my family. I'll start looking for a job this week. Halloween isn't looking too promising, which always depresses me because it's my favourite holiday, but I just don't have a clue what to do with myself. All my friends are either broke or working or out of town. But other than that, everything's good! *huge sigh of relief*

((((CCG)))), hope you're doing ok. I'm with Rudderless, AP and CH. The martial arts class is a sweet idea, too. Mine totally changed my life and I can't recommend it enough. Oh, and my favourite "fuck-the-world" movies are the Jackass films. Something about a bunch of cute, naked, tattooed guys flying kites from their asses just does it for me. Or you could lose yourself in a series, which is my favourite escape from reality. I just love getting totally absorbed in something that I know I can indulge in for days and weeks and months before it'll end. Every new episode you watch is like scratching an itch. I LOVE it. I just burned my way through the original Degrassi series, and will start the Next Generation as soon as I'm done with the last season of the L-word.

(((odyssey))) hang in there, and send me a PM if you ever wanna talk!
culturehandy
I've been thinking of this concept of being alone.

Before I was treated for depression, I thought being with someone would solve that problem (ahh, how wrong I was). See, if I was with someone, I wouldn't have had to focus on me, get to know me, figure out what was going on with me. The relationship would have been a distraction instead of working on the task at hand. that task being me.

I don't mean this in a bad way at all, exploring who you are is a magnificent process, and I'm thankful I did it. Self discovery, in my opinion, allows us to love ourselves, but it also allows us to learn what we deserve. Being "alone" is often the only way to discover what you really deserve.

You are most worthy of your love, and the person you are going to love should also be worthy of your love. Someone who weans you is not worthy of your love.

(((busties)))
candycane_girl
Thanks again, ladies. The problem I have with being alone is that I am alone for a really long time. He was only my third boyfriend and I've been dating since I was 15. If I had a pattern of going six months, a year or heck, even two years between relationships I probably wouldn't care so much. But it's the fact that before him I hadn't had a relationship in nearly four years!

AP, I know that I can get really, really down on myself. I first realized it when I saw my psychologist a few years ago and she pointed out that all I ever do is talk negatively about myself. I hate the fact that I usually need someone else to point out my good attributes. It's like I can't just see them myself. I know that I am a good person but I think that being able to go years and years without being noticed by men at all has had a really bad effect on me. Plus, let's face it, I'm incredibly overweight and I have bad skin. I don't exactly feel like Angelina Jolie. I know that I should just work on losing the weight, not just for my health but for my self esteem. 5 years ago when I lost 30 pounds (I've since gained nearly 100!) I felt so good about myself. It was amazing how confident I felt and how I no longer felt like the fat girl that always gets ignored. Even though I wasn't really getting extra male attention I didn't care because I liked how I looked.

I guess maybe now I should just go hardcore on getting myself in shape because I feel like it's the only thing that's going to improve my self esteem. I'm only an average student. I'm really happy with my job but it will only last for the school year. I think that changing how I look will really change how I feel about myself.


Also, part of the reason I want to write him back is just to let him know how I feel. I don't know I mean, I'm angry at him but I find it hard to be angry at him. It's difficult to explain.
ketto
I'm with you culture. I dated around a bit but was mostly single for 3.5 years and it was fantastic. I really got to know and get comfortable with myself. I went through therapy and counselling and completely put all my energy into making myself happy. I new if I could do that by myself, then I would eventually be able to share myself with a partner (which is where i feel I'm at now). I think i really explored what I deserved too. Once I got back into the dating world for real, I wasn't really to compromise at all and I think that was really important. It also made me realize how important it was for me to really have a partner who I wanted, but didn't need.
candycane_girl
Well, I've been through therapy and I have spent a ton of time on my own. I know that feeling of freedom of not having to worry about anyone else and being able to think only of yourself. Maybe I was too willing to make a lot of compromises but I still believe that for a relationship to work out that it's always going to be a bit of give and take. I am pretty comfortable with myself in terms of my personality and everything that's inside. I know I have certain areas that always need work (ie. my temper and my self esteem) but that's just me.
coffeebean
hi ch and ketto! I'm so glad to hear that other busties have went through similar 'dry-period' experiences and have some out on the other side much better off!

My story is that I was single for most of my adult life (from high school until age 26). I must admit that I was not always too hot on the idea and I did feel like ccgirl - that I would have to wait a long time to find someone - that I didn't necessarily have the right physical qualities that come make men out of the woodwork. However, these feelings are what pushed my into a a short stint of counselling and I started exploring where those feelings were coming from. I was completely expecting validation from outside of myself rather than inside of myself. Once I started battling those demons, exploring what made me feel good, what I wanted, and gaining self-esteem I must say that many more men were interested and I was actually able to *choose* someone I was compatible with rather than just picking someone who liked me (which was my previous perspective on dating). The interesting part is that nothing physically changed about me at all...even though I thought that my weight was my main issue.

I'm not really sure that I have a point but I can definitely relate!
Persiflager
((cc_girl)) Damn his cowardice! He did that to assuage his feelings of guilt, not to make you feel better, and that's why he emailed you as well.

Odysseylily, I'm with you on the feelings of relief. As much as I might have missed an ex-boyfriend, I've never missed worrying about the problems in our relationship, or his feelings about me.

Well done epinephrine! It's great to hear that things are going better than you expected. And I think anger and vilification are essential parts of the healing process. There is a time to be rational and fair and friendly, but that's after you've finished working through your feelings.

((everyone))
candycane_girl
So, I was doing okay. I actually forced myself to go out tonight with some friends to a pub night at school because I figured it would be good for me to get out. It was fun but there were times that I felt really sad and lonely. I hated seeing so many couples around me. It also didn't help when I realized that out of the 4 of us there that I was the only one in the group without a boyfriend. I don't care what anyone says, it sucks when you realize that you are the only person in a group who is alone.

Anyway, it was also painful because I had brought cc_boy there back in January to meet my friends. I remembered us making out quite a bit at the end of the night and someone jokingly calling us loverboy and lovergirl or something like that. I just miss that, that comfort of knowing that you have someone.

I know that our relationship had problems but I miss him. It just doesn't make sense to me. We liked all the same things, we had so much in common and most importantly, we always had a fun time together. And yet somehow he fell out of love. I just don't understand why he stopped feeling that spark for me when I felt it for him.

I wish that I could meet someone new, someone who is somehow better than him. Right now all I want is him but that's not going to happen. I feel like I could cry and yet I can't. I don't know if my body is somehow suppressing it. I didn't cry from Sunday to Tuesday and then on Wednesday I broke down crying at work. Luckily my boss is really understanding and she even hung out to talk to me for a bit. I'm frustrated. I keep thinking that I'm doing okay and then I'm not.
odysseylily
So apparently my ex has not moved. I saw him on Halloween Eve as I was getting into a car. Once again, he didn't recognize me. I felt awful for a while, but it turned into a really fun night and an even funner weekend. I keep having these dreams about the ex where I'm really heartbroken and he's being evil. It really hurt to see that he's still here, though. I can't imagine why - he wants to move, his family wants to help him move, he's not on a lease, and he hates it here. I just wish he'd get off my BLOCK, if nothing else. That's all for now.

((((((cc_girl))))))
candycane_girl
odyssey, that sucks that he's still near you. I've never randomly run into my ex on the street (even while we were dating). It's a big city and we live in different neighbourhoods so the chances are pretty slim. Strangely enough though, the day after we broke up he ran into my friend's boyfriend and they talked like they were old pals or something.

I'm doing okay but still feeling sad and lonely. Part of me feels like I just need a rebound or something. I don't know, maybe I should just call up my old fuck buddy and get it over with and then I'll be able to move on.

I just feel like there are all these little reminders of him. Like on Saturday night my friends and I ended the night by going to a pub. The problem was that the pub was directly across from the AGO which is where we had our first date. So every time I looked out the window it was like there was another reminder of him.

I guess I'm confused because we started off with such strong feelings for each other. It's hard to try to figure out how we went to being so into each other to him just not being interested anymore. Oh well.

ETA: it was really depressing when I came home on Friday night and the only good things on tv were an episode of Will & Grace, where Grace ends up seeing her ex husband on a flight to London and the last 20 minutes of Annie Hall.
candycane_girl
I know I'm hogging this thread but it seems to be pretty slow so whatever. It helps to get it all out.

I ended up crying a bit today. I guess I'm doing better seeing as how I don't cry all the time. But I think about him everyday. The part that gets to me is that when I think about him, I still think about all the negative aspects of our relationship and yet I still miss him like crazy. Does that even make any sense? If anything I would have thought that remembering all the negative things would help me move on but it hasn't.

I still have so many questions but I don't think they'll ever be answered. I guess it's possible to just fall out of love with someone but I just don't get how it happened with him. I think what really makes it hard was knowing how crazy about me he was in the start. I remember how we both talked about it, how we felt like we had known each other for years.

For a while I was thinking that I would be okay if I just met someone else but I know it's way too early. It hasn't even been two weeks. At this point I just want him. If I could find someone who was like a vastly improved version of him that would be okay but right now I just feel like no one measures up to him.

Meh, I guess I'm just babbling.
coffeebean
ccgirl - we want you to get it out. That is what this tread is for....plus for what it is worth from a longtime lurker and recent poster - you have done the same and lent an ear when other busties were going through the exact same thing, you deserve to be heard!

(((ccgirl)))
mumblestutter
(((ccg))) venting is what this space is for smile.gif

breaking up does make you realize how much time you spent on the person and drudge up a million unresolvable questions. hopefully writing about it is relieving for you. additionally, i bet others who wander by & are experiencing similar situations will take comfort in being able to identify with your experiences.

take care!
candycane_girl
The worst part is just how often I think about him. It's like, should I be making a conscious effort not to think about him or just allow myself to think about him?

I desperately want to move on but it has barely been two weeks so I know I can't expect to be over him already. I just hate the thought of dating someone other than him. Right now it feels like any guy I see just doesn't measure up. And yet once again, I know that we had certain problems and there were certain ways that he didn't satisfy my needs. But overall we had a pretty decent relationship.

The worst part is that I was happiest in the summer when I thought we were just being casual and slowly working our way back up to a real relationship. I felt so happy and we would just spend time together and it was as simple as that.

Anyway, my boss told me that it will take 3 months to fully get over him. At first I thought she was crazy but then I realized that would be November, December and January and it actually sounds pretty reasonable. Ugh, what would have been our one year anniversary is coming up in about two weeks. I had been looking forward to it.
Evergreen
Okay...I have been lurking around for a couple of weeks but I wanted to just jump in and let CCG know that I am having some of the same thoughts. Me and my guy broke up three weeks ago and I cannot believe how often I think about him. I just want to push him out of my mind but everything reminds me of him. Ugh!
candycane_girl
I just realized that I went about 3 hours without thinking about him at all! Go me!
epinephrine
Yay CCG! Sounds like that boy did the same thing to you that J did to me, minus the rebounding-with-a-close-friend part - losing interest despite all the initial chemistry and happiness, breaking it off, getting back together just to string you along for a while before doing it again...I've always had a rule that I'd never get back together with someone I'd broken up with. I've broken that rule in each of my relationships, and have heartily regretted it every time. If it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work the second time. *sigh*...one day I'll learn...

Odyssey, that really sucks. What are you occupying your time with these days? School? Work? Socializing? At least the silver lining in that cloud is that you somehow manage to avoid him even though he still lives close by. That's good luck.

So...I talked to J on the phone last week. She called me and left a message, and I was just like, fuck it, and I called her back. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. It was an ok conversation, up until she started talking about the past even though I'd told her clearly I didn't want to. I'm ok with a nice, normal, superficial conversation, where we talk like normal people who haven't just gone through an incredibly ugly breakup, but I'm not ready to talk about anything serious or emotional with her. And by the time I am ready, I doubt I'll be interested. It's over, plain and simple. There's no need to talk about "us" anymore. There is no "us." I told her that, but, of course, she just marched right ahead and talked about it anyway, insisting she wanted to talk about it for my own sake, to give me peace of mind. Because clearly, violating my boundaries gives me peace of mind. She just wanted to rehash all the same shit she said before: she knows it sucks for me, but she made the right decision. She's obviously still insecure about what she's done and is looking to me for forgiveness and validation. I let her get far enough to indicate that she had absolutely nothing useful to say, and that she only wanted to talk to put her own mind at ease, and then I told her firmly (again) that I didn't want to talk about it and changed the subject. So she's the same shallow, self-centred brat she was when I left. Have fun with that, A. Oh, and they're moving in together when they get back from their separate travels. And they're getting a dog. But they're moving to another city, effectively out of my life unless I choose at some point to let them back in.

Yeah. So that brought back some unpleasant emotions, but whatever. It's done, and it didn't change anything. I'm back in counselling with my wonderful, caring, intelligent counsellor. I've only had one session with her so far and we've already made progress. I've been putting all my energy into my apartment, painting, decorating and improving it so that I'll feel comfortable there even when I'm alone, which I am nearly all the time these days. Making friends with my lonely apartment seems to be my way of making friends with my loneliness. Once the novelty of being home wore off it got tough again, and I've been struggling with depression, but I keep reminding myself that my bad days now are better than my good days were the last time I was home, and that helps.

Hope everyone else is doing ok!
candycane_girl
epi, I'm glad that at least you won't have to see J again. It sucks that J keeps wanting to suck you back in just for her own peace of mind. I really believe that she doesn't give a damn about you, she only cares about what you think of her.

I feel like the ex (as he shall now be known) is taking over my brain. Last night I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about him. I had a dream that my mom was living with me in my apartment and suddenly he shows up because he wants to actually hang out like friends. And then it was like, everything was going fine for a while but suddenly he tells me that he's seeing someone called Ruth, who he was just friends with before.

I have no idea what that dream meant and actually it was like the ex was taking on the role of my brother (my brother broke up with his gf in June and seriously two weeks later was seeing a new girl who he had been "just friends" with before).

I keep having this fantasy in my mind that the ex will meet up with me and say that he wants to give things another go and then I reject him. Is it bad that I wish this could happen just so that I could reject him? I have a video of how I would want things to go but I can't post it right now cause I'm at school.
coffeebean
(((ccgirl))) Get mad girl . I think that you have every right given how you were treated by the ex!

I think that all of the emotions you are having and all of the thoughts/dreams you are having are completely normal. From your other posts around the lounge it sounds as though you are so busy dealing with school/life/family etc. that you haven't fully had the time to deal with the breakup - almost as if it was just one more thing that was added to your plate. I can empathize with the 'visions' of being the rejector - I had those for a long time after my last breakup.
rogue
Hello everyone...just wanted to let you know that I am still reading through this thread even though I'm not posting as much now, and that I am glad to hear that things seem to be getting better for everyone. It's very hard but you are all very strong and awesome and it makes me happy to see that things are improving.

I'm kind of pissed right now - I was speaking to my ex this morning online and he went completely batshit on me. He wanted me to go out with him this weekend for dinner and I said no and he got all pissed off because I won't hang out with him. HELLO?! We are broken up for a reason (the abuse he put me through? That might be part of it, I think. /sarcasm). Anyway, he went offline, blocked me, whatever, and then sent me nine separate text messages, which prompted me to e-mail him to explain why I was so angry at him/don't want to hang out with him. He always tries to convince me that the abuse he put me through "wasn't that bad", which really, really pisses me off. I explained that it doesn't matter that he thinks it wasn't that bad, what matters is that I think it was and that I get angry because he tries to make me feel like an idiot for thinking otherwise. I don't care if he writes back or not and I made it clear that I'm not trying to sway him to my side, but I am totally enraged right now. You don't think it's that bad? Good for you! Here's a cookie - now fuck off and die. I'm just so pissed off! I hate when people make me feel as if my emotions are unwarranted, especially when they completely are.

I'm sorry to derail this but I just had to vent. Stupid, dumbass exes. I feel like you, epi, how you told J that you didn't want to discuss your relationship and then she just barrelled into it regardless. I tell my ex that every time we speak and he just ignores me. It's so frustrating.

Oh and CCG, I think you are totally justified in your rejection fantasy. I used to think like this all the time about exes. I think it's a completely normal reaction to something as emotionally traumatizing as a breakup is. If it helps you to get through it I say party on. =)

((((Moving On Busties))))

I hope things continue to go well for everyone. I'm sending warm vibes and well wishes your way.
coffeebean
(((rogue))) So sorry that your is a real Douchebaggery! It sounds like he needs to be the one who is cut off and blocked by you!
candycane_girl
This is basically how I would want it to go, for anyone who is interested. (unfortunately the sound doesn't totally synch up with the video)

rogue, I'm just wondering, why did you still have the ex on IM? I'm glad that you were strong and told him to piss off. Sometimes it really boggles my mind how men who are abusive can go around thinking that what they do isn't that bad.
rogue
OMG CCG THAT IS THE BEST SCENE!

Wow, please excuse my overzealousness, but that scene is the best. Hands down. I totally understand where you are coming from in wanting to use that. Carrie told Big off good in that scene and he totally deserved it. I felt the same way with one of my exes - we dated for almost the same time C&B did and he constantly fucked me around - I even had him as "Big" in my cell phone. You picked a good one there. Man, that scene makes me feel so empowered. I completely understand how it would make you feel awesome.

And to answer your question, I still have him on IM because we have unresolved debt together. Our last month's rent has not been paid by him. He only owes $210 at the place we co-rented at (that my mother is a guarantor for!) and he won't pay it. Keeps saying he has no money, even though he makes $1500+ a month, only pays $300 a month in rent at his parents' place (for room/board, food, internet/television/telephone, free laundry, power/heat/hot water included) and then another $100 for his storage locker. Yeah, so that leaves him $1100+ a month to blow and he won't pay the rest of the rent. I keep in contact with him solely to badger him about paying the leftover rent. He won't. He won't like it if they come after my mother for it because she'll take him to court. I just want him to get his head out of his arse and grow up for once.
candycane_girl
lol, rogue, I'm glad you liked it! I know it sounds cheesy but the Big and Carrie relationship reminded me of my own during the second breakup. She got back together with Big, truly felt that things had changed and then suddenly realized that he didn't really care if she was in his life or not. (of course the scene I chose was from season 6 looong after the second and third breakups)


Anyway, guess who fucking called tonight just a little after midnight and sounding drunk? Oh yeah, I'm sure you can all figure it out. I'm too stoned and tired to go into details but I will say this. I won. He was the first one to make contact and not me, so hahaha, I fucking win!
sevenseconds
cc_g -
Damn girl!
High. fucking. five.
That's so awesome how you envisioned that scene and pulled it into reality! I swear the old gypsies told me that's how life works;)


And Rogue, please accept my apologies if any of my shite sounded personal. It wasn't meant to be. I can write a mile on the extinction of the Tasmanian tiger right now. No bad vibes whatsoever. Hope that's mutual.
candycane_girl
So just a few of the details on Friday night's phone call since I'm procrastinating right now. There I am, stoned and watching tv when the phone rings. I rarely get calls that late and it said "bell payphone" on the call display. The best part was when he said "hey" i asked, "Who is this?" because I truly didn't realize it was him.

Anyway, he kept going on about how he had gone out by himself to see some band and he had a few drinks and now he was just walking home by himself. He said that he had thought about calling me an hour and several payphones earlier and he finally decided to just do it. He was actually pretty close to my apartment (about two blocks).

He kept saying that he hoped I didn't hate him and that he hoped I wasn't mad at him and the best part was when he said that maybe we could get coffee or lunch some time. He said that maybe he would email me or I could email him and all I could say was "yeah, sure". Yeah fucking right, like I'm going to email him!

Anyway, I'm not going to take this as a sign that he wants to get back together, most likely he was just drunk and lonely. But I think he's finally realizing what he gave up. Hell, even when we broke up he kept saying that I was a great girlfriend and I did nothing wrong and for once, he was right. He kept doing that thing where it sounded like he wanted to say something but was holding back but whatever, it's not my job to find out what he's thinking.
odysseylily
Go ccgirl! I loooove that video (it absolutely reminds me of my ex)! And I am glad you won smile.gif
futura
Good for you Candycane!

Two days ago my ex called. We're on good terms. I'm seeing him this weekend because he offered to reboot my computer.
He told me he's going to move (he lives in a boat right now). i asked 'where to?''. he said 'a house'. I asked 'are you going to live by yourself, or with someone else?' meaning his girlfriend. He said 'i will probably be living there with with someone else. Note how he didn't just say 'i'm thinking about moving in with my gf', but that's his problem.

I can't believe i felt a pang somewhere in my gut when he answered my question. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, i don't want him back. He says he's not sure that living together with her is the sensible thing to do (we broke up about 1 1/2 years ago, he got together with her about 2 months after our breakup). But i know he'll do it anyway. The whole 'i don't know thing'is just for my 'sake'.

It's a stupid thing to say but i feel like a loser. He's moving in with the new girl, and all i have is some retracted statement from an immature asshole that he was into me.

I'll be better off in the long run. But cod...it's frustrating sometimes.
jupiteregg
Hi all. Hope everyone is having a great day today.
I've been quiet for a long time because I just don't know what to say or how to say it. I miss my ex-wife so much it's miserable here. I'm in another lonely funk. In the last year she's left me, begged me to come back, ignored me and walked all over me. I know I let it happen over and over. It feels so weird to have ten great years and then this. Don't get me wrong, we had out fights, but we were always good to each other in the end. It's really hard going from the most important thing in someone's life to second thoughts.
Everything is so complicated and f'd up I don't even know where to start. The conspiracy theories running through my head make it impossible to figure out what's real.
Where do I go next?
odysseylily
sad.gif that's too bad jupiter . . . I don't really know what to tell you. In my sitch, thinking about allll the shit my ex put me through, plus therapy, plus antidepressants, plus posting on here, plus no contact with the ex, really helped. I feel 99% over him. That 1% is pretty pesky though, and I'm sure there will be times ahead that I will really miss him. Do you think therapy would help you? It's been a godsend to me . . . keep posting on here, and take care of yourself!

So I've got a question up for discussion. How soon is too soon to date? I know that's relative to each person, but I guess I'm asking because I've met someone I really like. I just want to make sure it's not a rebound thing. It feels right. We've got chemistry, similar values, and he's really sweet & kind. I'm pretty smitten and it feels good. What are your thoughts, busties???
Persiflager
(((jupiteregg))

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful it must be to try to move on after so much time and commitment.

Can you get away to visit family or friends at all? Would you consider moving away? It must be difficult to stay living in a place that has so many memories for you.

Well done for posting. I know that when you're feeling that miserable it can be hard to reach out.
epinephrine
(((Jupiteregg))) I'm so sorry. Just stick around and get it all out, we're here for you.

Odyssey! 99%!! That's awesome! I'm so glad to hear it!

I've been doing ok - I still have my moments of grief and anger, and I've had a few unpleasant triggers, but overall I'm doing pretty well. I've been doing a lot of work with my wonderful counsellor and I'm trying to take responsibility for my role in the relationship's problems. It's starting to become clearer now that I decided to put up with a lot of shit that I had no business putting up with, and that that's as much my fault as it was J's. I remember saying, back in the day when I was still posting about her in the Relationship Advice thread, that I felt totally powerless in the relationship. I'm starting to take responsibility for the fact that I could have chosen differently, and I'm also exploring how far back this pattern reaches in my life. I'm finally starting to deal with some of the shit in my past that led me to this situation. It's strange. I'm feeling fragile and strong at the same time.
odysseylily
Good for you epinephrine!!!
candycane_girl
epi, I think the reason you felt powerless is because the only power you had was in leaving the relationship and obviously you didn't want to do that. It's like, yes, technically you did have power and could make decisions but it's hard when it seems like the only decision you can make is to leave. I know that I didn't want to give up on my relationship either, and in fact I didn't until he made it clear that he was no longer interested.

jupiteregg, I wish I had some advice to give you. Especially after ten years, I can't imagine how hard it must be. Just remember that you are strong and that you will move on. Do you have a strong support network in terms of family and friends? I don't know what I would do without the people around me. Even if there aren't helpful people in your life, you know you can always come here to vent about anything.

I was feeling really sad last night. I am so angry at him in some ways and yet I miss him so much. I don't know why I feel that way. So yeah, last night sucked. You know what else though? I'm pissed that we broke up because he lost interest and yet last Friday he calls asking if we can get lunch or coffee. It's like, FUCK YOU! I am already so busy with school and work that I haven't done anything with friends the last few weekends, what makes you think that I am going to suddenly take time out of my schedule to hang out with you?! I don't think there's a nice way to say "Hey dumbass, if we were still together then obviously I would sacrifice some of my time for you. However, we aren't together so you are no longer a priority! Get it through your head, if I can't even make time for my real friends then why the fuck would I make time for you?"

Gah! And you know, I still have so many questions about why he treated me the way he did that I don't know if I ever really will be able to be friendly toward him. Looking back on it, I don't understand how he could ever say that he was deeply in love with me and yet he never treated me like a priority in his life.

Oh well, I'm feeling more optimistic today and just trying to tell myself that now I'm able to meet someone who will treat me the way I deserve. I'm even making a few rules for future relationships:

1. if you aren't "comfortable with the term girlfriend" then I'm out of there

2. if you can't see me on Friday and Saturday nights (which are prime time, imo) then I'm gone

3. if you can't make me a part of your life and introduce me to important people in your life (friends, family) then see ya!

rogue
I don't really have much to update on the ex, but I wanted to say that I think those are really, really awesome rules, Candy. They make a lot of sense and (if I ever start dating again!) I might borrow them from you. I was also making a list like this at the beginning of my break up but it's gone on the back burner for a bit. But yes, good show!

And also ((((Mooooving On Busties))))
jupiteregg
Hi everyone. Thanks for all the support and suggestions. I am definitely going to put "find a therapist" on my to do list next week. I don't have a lot of my own friends (they are all ours). I have trouble talking to people anyway because I'm pretty private. I haven't even told my mother we broke up yet because I just don't want to deal with her snarky comments. I told my dad because he's a lot like me and won't bring it up again.
One of the worst things is I can't seem to make her into the bad guy. I try to think of reasons to be mad at her and I just can't. I just end up blaming myself.
At this point I would still take her back and I would do whatever I needed to bring her back. I just don't know how to do that. I think I sound like some of the abused women I have worked with, but I can't see any abuse. I know the way I feel will change one day. I just can't imagine the situation that will change them. I'm terrified of ending up bitter and alone like my mother. oh man, this sounds like some serious shrink shit.
Love to all.
Persiflager
Great rules, cc_girl! I'm really glad you're feeling angry - I think you're right to be, and I think it's an important stage in moving on.

((jupiteregg)) Take care of yourself. Don't worry about dealing with all this until you're ready. How are you feeling, physically? Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy and get you out of the house? You sound so sad - I really want to come over and cook you a big dinner and take care of you!
candycane_girl
Ugh, I feel like I'm going crazy. The ex has been on my mind a lot lately but I feel like it's even more intense this week. Maybe it's because Tuesday was a month since we broke up? I can't believe it's already been a month. I wish there was some magical way to get him out of my head. I think what gets to me is knowing that he is probably not thinking about me at all. I did get a bit of satisfaction out of his drunken phone call because it happened during a time that he wasn't on my mind at all and it showed to me that at least from time to time I am on his mind.

Anyway, I talked to my cousin a few days ago when I was really upset and told her about the phone call and his suggestion that we meet up some time and she said that I shouldn't do it unless I am absolutely okay with it. Like, for one thing I shouldn't just be at his beck and call and for another if I don't feel ready to see him as a friend then I shouldn't bother. I keep trying to imagine what it would be like if we did meet up and I don't know what I would say to him.
jupiteregg
Hi everyone. Thanks for all the kind words. I'm so busy that I don't really have much time to dwell on despair, but I still feel like shit. I kinda feel like a big fake robot. ug. no word from her. I've been sort of expecting her to make some sort of move towards communication. I had to delete her as a facebook friend because I was obsessed with checking her page. It probably pissed her off. I keep having these moments in which I want to just call her and work everything out, but I just know it won't go the way I imagine. I'd probably just end up more hurt and frustrated.

ccgirl - I know exactly how you feel. It's like I think about her all the time and I don't even cross her mind. I know she loves her friends and work so much that I'm completely shadowed. I bet though, that they are thinking about us and miss us more than we know.
datagirl
Hi everyone.
It's been a very long time since I posted and I don't think I have in this particular thread.
The past relationship 'thing' I had ended a few nights ago. On Sunday we had sex four times( and I climaxed four times..Lucky Me!!) but now he says that we need time away form each other. Pretty much we've been 'trying' to get our shit together nigh on six months now.We'd come together then fight on/off/on/off....then come back together for great sex.So there's physical chemistry. And we're probably best friends too.
He's my guitarist and I play piano and sing and we were just about to record a debut record when it went fucking pear shaped AGAIN!!!

So now I'm just thinking I'll have to start again (with someone else or a new guitarist) as me and him together is like flogging a dead horse (so to speak).
But the sex is amazing. I haven't slept with anyone since I met him (ok there was this one drunken lesbian experimental experience) but I'm straight. I know that now.

He said that the reason why I haven't slept with/pursued anyone else is that what we have/had is a pretty deep thing.And I feel that I'll have to search high and low for something that intimate again.
But is 'IT' so illusive???
When I said that I'm going to find someone new he seems ok with it. Which just made me feel like shit pretty much. I just don't believe that there is any depth to anything anymore and am seriously wondering if I would be happier celibate.But I love sex and having someone in my bed to hold me and massage my back...

When we fight we (I'm usually the instigator ) end up going out seperate ways.But never for very long. I feel trapped on this boring merry go round. I know that it would never work yet we keep hammering in that nail over and over.I'm jealous of him too. He has a cushy job as a manager,pays no rent (he lives with his mother) and has all this money saved up from living at home (and he turns 40 next year...) AND he lives right near the city. I work in a call centre,pay huge rents and bills and live no where near the city where the gigs are... so enough said really.
So I'm giving up my apartment and moving in with my parents so save some money then going interstate.
I think it's the only way to get away from this sorry situation.
(((busties)))
epinephrine
(((datagirl))) that's rough. Sounds like you feel trapped. Just do what feels right, and be careful not to confuse "right" with "easy!"

I've had a really good week, actually. I've been both socializing and spending quality time by myself, I'm finally working again, I've got some more stuff done in my apartment, I've got a lovely distracting crush, my sex drive has suddenly reappeared with a vengeance, and I've noticed that a few things that would normally have triggered me are having almost no effect. Yesterday a (very clueless and tactless!) friend, for no reason at all, tagged me in a picture of J and I from better days. I logged on to Facebook and it was right there on my wall. What the fuck is that about? This girl is a good friend of mine and she knows how hard this breakup was on me. For the past 6 months I've been totally distraught after seeing pictures of J, and, even though I was shocked at my friend's stupid move, I was suprised how little seeing the picture affected me. I wasn't happy to see it there, but I didn't really feel anything. I still untagged myself, though. I don't need to see that shit. And last night I went out and ran into a friend I haven't seen since before we broke up, who's kind of dense even when he's not pissed drunk, which he was, and the first thing out of his mouth was "so how's J?" I explained that we'd broken up and it had been ugly, but he kept talking about her, and a few minutes later he actually called me by her name. She seems to have left quite an impression on him. And I still felt nothing. And I've finally been able to listen to the Junior Boys again. J and I used to listen to them incessantly and I just couldn't bear to hear them for the past few months because they were such a strong trigger. The bad memories are painful enough, but the happy ones are almost worse. But right now my memory flood seems to have slowed to a trickle, and I know I've still got some lows left, but I'm riding a high right now and I can see a lot more of the big picture around me and I'm just so grateful.

I've also been thinking about what I'd do if J tried to contact me again, and I've decided I've given her enough chances. If she contacts me again I'll tell her to leave me alone, and I'll only tell her once. Her bullshit is not my problem anymore. I won't speak for the future, when this is all ancient history and I don't even think of it anymore, but right now she has absolutely no place in my life.
odysseylily
Fuckin YAY, epinephrine!!!
candycane_girl
Y'know, it's funny, I just cried my eyes out over the ex yet again! But then I went and looked at all our old emails, from oldest to newest (which was back in October). And while it was difficult to look at the ones where he said that he loved me and was so happy to have me in his life it was like watching a graph that just slowly went down, down, down. His last email while we were together was just one line long. It got me good and angry seeing how his attitude changed.


Still though, I've never had such a tough time dealing with rejection. I can only put it down to the fact that I have never felt that way about anyone ever before. I know I'll find it again but it still hurts to know how strongly I felt about him when he didn't feel the same way.
futura
(((((Candycane)))))

You know, Candycane, when i was at a low a couple weeks ago (i refuse to spill any more tears on 'the enemy' as we call him now. Still, a very different situation from yours; you were in a relationship and tried to make it work), my BGP said to me: "I know this will pass. You know too. Rationally you know this is for the best. But you too are just a girl."

That always hits me; even to myself i'm always playing shit down, acting as i can take it. But deep down we all want to be loved, unconditionally. Rationale and feelings can be so far apart. But eventually they will be more and more in sync. You'll be more and more ready for someone who can love you for who you are, who can give you what you deserve.

I'm doing fine, btw. I didn't really want to post in this thread about 'the enemy' as i don't deem him worthy of any 'moving on' dealings. But i'm fine. It was a rebound getting messy.

I want someone smart, someone who'd say 'leave it to me, i'll take care of it' once in a while. I tired of having to do all the work (be it emotionally or practically) in a relationship.
candycane_girl
Thanks futura. I think what I hate the most is that everyone keeps telling me that it simply takes time. I know they're right. And yet it's like, the one thing that I wish I could be over with right away. I hate that I think about him everyday. I hate that I try to imagine what it will be like if we ever see each other again (just as friends, of course).

I also just miss being with someone. I know that is no reason to stay in a relationship or to start one but I have spent most of my life being single. I just hope that I'll meet someone in the new year. Not right away but maybe in all that time I spend working on myself I'll just happen to meet someone who will actually be really into me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
candycane_girl
Ugh, okay, this isn't fair. He is invading my subconscious. I had some weird dream that I was with a friend downtown and we ran into him and decided to hang out. I think I tried to kiss him or something and then I got jealous because it seemed like my friend was hitting on him. I can't seem to remember it clearly.

Also, I was reminded of him by something so stupid today. I listened to a message on my phone and it got the part where it says something like "message will be saved for 14 days" and it reminded me of a cute message he left on my phone last year and how I was sad that I didn't re-save it. Ugh, such stupid little things and yet they just keep popping up!

I just want him out of my head.
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