Dec 19 2009, 12:08 AM
Yes, the jealousy-tinged dreams and being reminded of him by the stupidest tiniest things. It will get better, sweetie. A lot better. I know because it got better for me. Check out this book: How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Normally I hate things like that but this book is not like the rest. It's not expensive at all either.
Dec 19 2009, 06:35 PM
Aww, CCG. I had dreams like that, too. It really does feel like you're being deliberately invaded. (((CCG)))
So I'm still doing really well, though sadly I'll have to find a different counsellor now that I'm transferring from my college to university. I had my last session with her on Thursday. She really is amazing. I still have a lot of work to do, but she's helped me so much. She recommended a few of her colleagues from the uni to me, though, and gave me a release form to sign so my next counsellor could be briefed on my situation and I wouldn't have to start from square one.
During our last session, I told her how I often get stuck in a thought loop where I just go over and over the things I'd say to J if I felt like it would be any use - basically just summing up, in the most righteous and authoritative terms possible, all the ways that she's an asshole and she screwed me over. These depressing, angry words just repeat in my head over and over until something derails them, and at night when I'm alone in bed there are far fewer distractions, so they tend to keep me up. As much as things have improved, I still get into those lows sometimes. I know it's useless and unhealthy, but that doesn't mean I can just make it stop. So I told her about it and she said it might help me to write J a letter (not to send, of course) just to purge those thoughts and also because seeing it in hard copy may make the thoughts less painful and help me to examine the flaws in logic that are keeping me stuck in victim mode, making me feel too powerless to move on. I've already tried several times, but it was difficult and I gave up. I also wasn't really sure if it was the right thing to do or not - I was scared that I might have just been trying to reinforce those thoughts that I'm trying so hard to get rid of. I'll have to try it again, I guess. Ugh. I'm so sick of thinking about her. I just want to excommunicate her from my mind.
Dec 22 2009, 09:35 AM
Hey everyone. I haven't posted in the lounge at all in a long time (I haven't had much access to a private computer), but I really need to join in here.
I am in the process of being dumped. I posted about our problems a bunch of times in committed, and I guess we just haven't been able to work them out. We're still living together but my (ex?) boyfriend is moving out in a few weeks. We've been having problems for about 6 months. I know we both deserve better- to be happier, less stressed, to move forward and make changes in our lives. We talked about trying to accomplish all of those things together but it didn't work.
The thing that makes me angry is that he's interested in someone else, and has been for months, and didn't tell me until I figured it out and pretty much forced him to confess. I guess I wasn't surprised, I knew something was wrong, but I'm pretty devastated. I feel like he's just going to move on to her and have this exciting new romance while I'm pining away, heartbroken. Last night I dreamt about them all night. I dreamt that she was making fun of me and being really mean. I'm most angry about the fact that he didn't tell me, let me wonder for months what I was doing wrong and why he was being distant. And he kind of deceived me too, hanging out with her (not one-on-one, but putting himself in situations where he'd see her) behind my back.
So I'm trying to tell myself that I'll be better off without someone like this. I'm better off alone than with someone who isn't sure if he loves me, and who isn't honest with me.
I know I'm not blameless, though. I became increasingly jealous and possessive and neurotic and it's hard to tell which even came first (if me being that way pushed him away, or if him being distant made me act that way). When I start thinking that way I totally blame myself. I know that really we share the blame. But I feel like he doesn't even care about being together anymore which makes me blame myself for whatever I did to push him away.
Every so often I have a moment of peace- I'm excited for new beginnings and maybe a better partner in the future. But then I remember all of the joy we brought each other for over 2 years- even as recently as a few months ago- the wonderful meals and great sex and laughs and holding each other- and I just get so sad, I want to go back in time and change whatever I did to make him love me less. But I know I can't and it all seems like such a waste.
Dec 22 2009, 12:45 PM
Bleh, I had another dream about him that night but luckily it wasn't as vivid. I think it had something to do with him being a movie extra (???).
edie, I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're right though, you deserve much better than this. I can't imagine how you feel to know that he's apparently interested in someone else but at least you know for sure. This might sound kind of fucked up but at least that will allow you to feel more angry at him. I'm saying that because I had a lot of trouble feeling angry at cc_boy because his feelings for me had simply disappeared. You have every right to scream at him and be pissed off and throw things (if that helps).
You didn't do anything to make him love you less, it's his problem.
Also, I don't know if this will help but the new year is so close and that always feels like a time for rebirth. I'm not saying that you should go the chick flick route and chop off all your hair or something but y'know, at least you can look at it as a time to start over and do whatever you want.
Dec 22 2009, 06:07 PM
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Dec 22 2009, 01:45 PM)
I think it had something to do with him being a movie extra (???).
(((cc_girl))) Well, if you think about it, a movie extra is easily forgettable, not noticed on the screen if you don't pay attention, and they are in the background. The dreams sounds like you are moving on.
Dec 22 2009, 10:26 PM
Thanks, ccg. I totally agree with stargazer's excellent analysis of your dream, btw, you must be making progress!
You know, I was thinking the same thing about rebirth. When I try to look on the bright side (and I have to try pretty hard) I know that I'll probably grow and go through some positive changes because of this. I'm looking forward to seeing what direction my life will head in. After I get over the heartbreak I'll probably feel more carefree because I won't be worried about losing him like I have been for so many months. I want to reconnect with friends and make future plans. As much as I don't want to lose him I think we've both been needing change and adventure and stronger friendships.
I even thought about chopping off my hair (seriously). Not sure yet though.
It hasn't fully sunk in yet because we still live together (he's just away for the holidays now). So as hurt as I am I know I'll still get to see him, to be with him in some sense, when he gets back. It will probably be harder when we're really out of each others' lives.
I watched Before Sunrise last night and this quote really hit home: "You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone'."
But actually it was a great movie for me right now, because it's about this relationship that is very finite, and kind of impossible, but it's so beautiful. It kind of helped because I've been trying not to write off all the great stuff that happened in my relationship. Just because our relationship didn't work out in the end doesn't have to mean it "didn't work." It worked for a while and it was amazing. Letting go of the past is just a part of life. The problem is I'm really really attached to him. My last heartbreak took over a year to get over.
Dec 22 2009, 11:43 PM
Ugh, I don't know what happened to me. I was doing alright and now I feel so down. Maybe it's because I just got back from my friend's Christmas party where there were four couples out of eleven people. I don't know, I just miss that feeling like I was actually with someone who loved me.
Every time I imagine him and I getting back together (I don't know why, but I do) I just picture him looking completely disinterested in me and ignoring me. It's like, I know that it wouldn't work but I just miss being with someone.
I think maybe because it's been something that has been so elusive my whole life, I realized that I've been dating for 11 years and I've spent less than two years of my life being in a relationship. I'm not the kind of girl who just meets guys so when I met someone who I really connected with and who was so interested it was just like "Finally!" I felt like finally I was getting my chance to be in a relationship and to feel the way one does when you're with someone. For once in my life I was able to talk about "my boyfriend". I know that might sound stupid but it means a lot when you don't come by it easily.
I think after that one night when he called me a few weeks after we had broken up and kept saying that we should hang out and kept talking about how I was on his mind I really expected him to try contacting me again but he hasn't. I guess I would feel better if he came crawling back to me but it looks like that's not going to happen.
Dec 23 2009, 02:12 AM
I'm really sorry that this has ended this way. I don't think you were jealous or neurotic - I think that your instincts were spot-on, but his denial made you doubt yourself. Assface. Neither of you is to blame for the relationship ending, but if he'd told you sooner he could have saved you sooooo much time and worry!
Good luck with the moving out process. Are you going to get a housemate or will you keep the house to yourself?
Dec 23 2009, 08:56 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you ladies are going through a difficult time. I haven't been posting much but I've still been reading. It sucks to feel so crappy during (what is supposed to be) a happy season.
edie, I love what you said about Before Sunrise. I just recently watched both Before Sunrise and Before Sunset and fell in love with them. They are amazing films. And you're totally right about that quote - it's so weird, breaking up with people. Being the "dumper" or the "dumpee". I'm kind of in a strange state right now. In my last relationship (which ended in July) I was the dumper - but I still feel really horrible about it, even though I shouldn't. It's hard to deal with because it was a very bad, very abusive relationship that I had to be forcibly removed from by my family (I've mentioned it before, but long story short, my brother forced me to leave my ex and move in with him because of the verbal/mental/sexual abuse that I was going through, and once he found out it was either I moved in with him or he'd go kill the man, so no arguing there). But anyway, I know it was for the best but I still think about him. I still talk to him (through texting, never in person). And especially now, since he loved Christmas, it's just a mess. He always, always, always listened to Bing Crosby's Christmas tunes almost obsessively during this time of year and now when I hear anything by him it fucks me up because I feel sad that we aren't together this Christmas (we had two together) but also I go into a state of panic because it's like PTSD - it's a trigger. It's messed up.
And CCG, I know what you mean about holiday parties. I really didn't want to go to my office party because everyone was supposed to be bringing their SO's. It turned out that only three of us young people did and my boss (who is also a good friend from uni) left her BF at home so I was pretty glad that I wasn't the only single girl. And I'm not in my office, but I find it a lot harder for me to get noticed than the other two - one is short and petite and gorgeous and the other is tall and blonde and beautiful. I'm just plain and bigger than they are, so it's hard. Okay, I'm whining. But I understand. I hate this season because you're always expected to have someone.
Sorry to derail. I just wanted to let you gals know that I feel your pain. I hope things get better for all of us in the New Year and that you all have a good Christmas, even though it seems crappy right now. Much love.
Dec 23 2009, 10:07 AM
Thanks persi and rogue.
I'm actually kind of glad it's the holidays because we both usually go back to our respective hometowns anyway... so going to see my family without him will feel pretty normal, and should just be fun and relaxing. It's not often that we're all together, and Christmas is even more fun now that all my siblings are grown up- lots of drinking, pigging out, and lying around, and less emphasis on gifts. I love it.
You're right persi, I wish he'd told me sooner too, it would have been the noble thing to do, though I may have been more devastated/surprised/confused at first... I think it was dishonest of him to string me along. And to just kind of be distant in an attempt to push me away and make me like him less (of course it didn't work)- that was cowardly too. In a way I understand his position because he said that he was trying to make his feelings go away, and I appreciate that part of him wanted to save our relationship. I don't even know what I would do if I was in his position- how soon I would tell my partner something like that. I guess he was afraid to tell me so he kept telling himself that he wasn't sure and needed more time to think.
Candycane_girl, I think the same thing happened in both of our situations- for whatever reason our guys fell out of love- but I actually think yours dealt with it better by telling you sooner. Sure I can be mad about the other girl but she's not the biggest issue. I think his feelings changed before that- that's what allowed what might have been a harmless crush to develop into Feelings. And I keep thinking that if I only I was more beautiful or successful or more like her... gah... I try not to go down that road though because I know that even gorgeous, famous people get dumped or betrayed or whatever.
Happy holidays everyone! Please try to relax, have fun, and cherish those around you. I know that's what I plan on doing.
Dec 24 2009, 01:36 AM
(((((Edie))))) From my point of view, it seems like he kind of wanted you to make the choice. Him being distant leaves it up to you to draw your conclusions. I don't think that's fair. I'm not saying he did it on purpose, or to hurt you, but it's hurtful nonetheless. I've seen (and see) this pattern again and again with guys.
To be honest, i have done it as well, staying in a relationship when the signs were so obvious that i had to leave, still i was so scared to actually go through with it. I eventually did, but it was not very elegant. There was this whole backlash and i understand i hurt my ex, even though i really didn't want to. But when i was sure i wanted out i went to my ex's house and told him so. Clarity is hard, but i don't think it's okay to act one way, so your bf/gf will figure out what you mean, so you don't have to do the hard thing; stating the uncomfortable and mostly devastating truth.
On a funny note (pun intended); over here we have this singer songwriter and she has a hit with a song in which she sings 'being alone with Christmas doesn't have to be a bad thing'. I like that. I always had kind of high expectations regarding Christmas and holidays, but when the times arrived it was the same old same old dreary bullshit with my (last) ex. Now i get to enjoy for real.
Dec 24 2009, 10:49 AM
Ugh, he is on my mind AGAIN. Yesterday was okay, I really didn't think about him much. If I'm going to be completely honest, I had this idea in my head that he might send me an email asking to meet up sometime soon (we're from the same town so I expect that he is here by now). However, maybe he's not here for Christmas (it's possible as he seemed to hint at some drama back at Thanksgiving and apparently he didn't go home for that holiday). But I know that it's more than likely that he actually is here in town and I'm just not going to hear from him.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I mean, I know that he doesn't want to get back together with me but I guess I feel like...I dunno, like I would be happier if it seemed like he was hung up on me. Messed up, I know, but that's how I feel.
Anyway, edie I hope you're doing alright. It's Christmas Eve so at least we can all concentrate on that!
Dec 24 2009, 12:09 PM
girllllll, nothing wrong with you! that's the natural order of things, at least in my experience. it hurts to think that someone you cared about so much, and who theoretically cared so much about you, is now skipping merrily along without the slightest thought of you, while you are trapped in a mental prison with their pictures plastered on all the walls. ugh. i was more than ready for things to end with my ex, and i was shocked at how not-sad i felt about it, but even so, i secretly hope that he is miserably missing me, and i tell myself that he "unfriended" me on facebook because he couldn't stand to see so many reminders of me. that's what i tell myself. yeah.
(((candycane_girl))) it gets better eventually, i promise.
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Dec 24 2009, 10:49 AM)
I don't know what's wrong with me, I mean, I know that he doesn't want to get back together with me but I guess I feel like...I dunno, like I would be happier if it seemed like he was hung up on me. Messed up, I know, but that's how I feel.
Dec 27 2009, 09:14 PM
Ugh . . . busties, I dunno what's wrong with me. I have been missing my ex like crazy. I think it's cause I went home, which is where we met (and we met in December) but seriously, I dunno. I just feel like shit right now. I've been dreaming about him every night lately, and in the dreams I'm always in agony and he's fucking with my head and being mean-spirited. Which is a lot like how it was in real life. I don't miss that part of him, but I miss the person he was during the first 3/4 of our relationship. I miss that guy like hell.
Up til a few days ago, I was doing grand. Didn't think of him much, moving right along, and happy as a clam. I hope this passes SOON. I had a great holiday. Not sure why it dredged up so much sadness.
Dec 28 2009, 09:50 AM
odyssey, maybe it's just nostalgia? it's so easy to catch that around the holidays. maybe it doesn't mean you really miss HIM - just nostalgic for the good times and feeling like that.
Dec 28 2009, 02:08 PM
Dec 31 2009, 10:03 AM
(((odyssey))) I hope you're feeling better. I know that the holidays had me feeling all emotional about the ex, which sucked cause I thought I would be distracted with all the Christmas/family stuff.
So, I've sort of been doing okay but I have the urge to delete all of his old emails. Yes, I had saved each and every one and put them in a separate file. But I did the dumbest thing ever and contacted him (only to see if he could get me some weed but still) and it is very clear that he has absolutely no feelings left for me and I don't think he cares about being nice to me at all.
Anyway, am I being impulsive? It's been over two months and I really think it would make me feel pretty good to just let go of it all and start to move on.
Dec 31 2009, 12:02 PM
I see no harm in that, so, if it makes you feel good, delete them.
Dec 31 2009, 01:42 PM
I went to Vancouver this week to visit friends, and going there is still really hard. I've been doing so well lately, but Vancouver still has to be one of my biggest triggers. That was our old stomping ground, where we used to go to relax and have fun and do romantic datey things and spend quality time with each other. And it certainly doesn't help that J has called me twice from Hong Kong this week to arrange a time to get the last of my stuff back from her place, which is now being vacated by her subletter. I just don't want to talk to her at all. I don't want anything to do with her.
I guess I'm still in a lot of pain. I've been suppressing it, because I just haven't found a way to really work through it. What do you do when the most meaningful relationship you've ever had turns out to be a huge lie? All your happy memories are fake? You were just being used? When I'm ok, I'm ok, but when I'm not, the void is still there. Even when I'm not ok, though, I don't miss J. But when something reminds me of her, brings up a happy memory or a bad one, it's just really painful. I know when the memories start being less painful then I'll have really made some headway, but...ugh. Yeah. I guess I'm just on a low right now. What goes up must come down, right?
I really should write that letter, but I'm so scared to do it. I'm scared that I'll trigger myself into a horrible depressive episode, or that it'll just consume me. Looking forward to starting counselling again after the holidays.
Jan 1 2010, 07:54 AM
cc_girl, delete away! It will save future you from re-reading them and getting mopey. Set future you free!
Epi, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Is there a mutual friend that you could ask to contact J for you to arrange the time, and go with you (or instead of you) to collect your stuff? The sooner this is out of the way, the better for you.
Jan 1 2010, 10:02 AM
Okay, I have one more (very stupid) question. I went and emailed him but only to ask him if he could get me weed. Anyway, I tried to be all casual about it (ie. in his first response he asked how my semester went and I just said it was good) but last night he sent me one final email back that said something like "have a really great and happy new year ccg!" I don't even feel like responding but now I feel like I'll look like a jerk if I can't even respond to wish him a happy new year.
I know I'm being completely neurotic right now but should I just suck it up and nicely wish him a happy new year back? Also, after this I swear I will find someone else to get me weed and I will never contact him again. I thought I could handle it if it was something casual but I obviously can't.
Jan 1 2010, 10:28 AM
cc_girl, don't email him back. Find someone else to get weed from. Don't contact him anymore.
Jan 1 2010, 11:24 AM
i'm with star. do not reply; delete those emails--you might feel panicky at first, but after a while you won't miss them a bit, and, as persiflager said, will save yourself more future misery; i'd even suggest deleting his email address. of course, this is the easy-for-me-to-say stuff cause it's not about ME! but, seriously, he broke up with you in a pretty douchey way; i think there's no reason for you to worry about being jerky to him, or that not saying it back is even that jerky. he wanted out; now he's out.
Jan 1 2010, 11:24 AM
I agree with stargazer, don't email him. It's not good to contact your exes if you really want to move on. My sister had a two-month relationship, but the guy lived in a neighboring state and they only saw each other a couple of times a month, yet when he broke up with her, she got obsessive and kept Facebook-stalking him, writing him text messages, whining about him, and it got really irritating and full of drama. She told me she sent him a Christmas present despite that they broke up in early November, and I asked her why she did that, and her logic was that she already had the present, so what was she going to do with it? Then this morning, she checked him out on Facebook again, and when I said not to do it, she snapped at me and said "You do not just get over a relationship like that, okay?!" I reminded her that they didn't see each other that often, didn't date that long (she called it a four-month relationship, I think it was more like two months), and they had been broken up for two months.
Point being, don't contact him. You may not get the answer you want, and it won't make you feel any better.
Jan 1 2010, 11:38 AM
Well, I know this is gonna sound lame but he already said he would get me the weed. I think I should just get this one deal over with and then not contact him again.
As for the old emails, I deleted all of them yesterday. I felt sad for a bit but then I started to feel better.
Jan 1 2010, 12:13 PM
Hey cc, I know I don't post here much but I read through the last month or so of your posts about the ex, and I think everyone is obviously right about not contacting him. There's no need to respond to his last email, it was just a casual, generic happy new year message and no one would look like a jerk for not responding back, in fact I think it would make it appear that you were fishing for ways to keep the e-mail conversation going and maintain contact. Even if it did make you look like a jerk, don't ever worry about that. Considering he broke up with you, you have every right to be a jerk anyways. People appear at their worst during breakups, and if not responding to an email is the worst thing you do, that still makes you a saint compared to most. Good for you for deleting all his emails though! That takes some strength, I bet it made you feel better now!
Jan 1 2010, 01:24 PM
Well, I'd like to think that I broke up with him. Of course, that's one of the things that made me so mad is that even though I wanted to keep the relationship going I was the one who had to call him over and basically drag it out of him that he didn't want to see me anymore. I always wonder how long he would have let it drag on, stringing me along and saying "I do want to see you but I'm just busy". Damn, that was a lot of bullshit.
I know I've been feeling really conflicted. Part of me wants to be nice to him, the other part of me wants to punch him in the face. I think by not responding I will be avoiding both of those options which is a happy medium. After all, it's not like he ever made any effort to consider my feelings.
As for the old emails, I just didn't see the point of keeping them. When I thought that we had a future together I wanted to have them forever so that I could always look back at them. But we're not together anymore and we never will be together so what's the point? It's like, why would anyone want to look at old love letters after the relationship ends? All that does is cause more pain.
All that I have left from him are two cards where he wrote long letters about how much he loved being with me blah blah blah. I have no idea what to do with them. Maybe I should just throw them away. Some small part of me wants to stick them in an envelope and mail them to him but that is pretty pointless.
Anyway, I'm getting sick of talking about him so I think I'll just avoid this thread for a while.
Jan 1 2010, 11:55 PM
The stuff-pickup is over and done with now, except for my stovetop espresso maker, which had already been moved somewhere else and which I'll have to get later. I hate getting my friends involved in this shit - I think making phone calls to my friends to get them to mediate for us would just depress me even more. J just called me to "check" and make sure I got everything. She's making efforts to be friendly, but I don't think they're coming from an honest place. I think she just wants to feel better about how she treated me; she doesn't actually respect me. Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm just overemotional and I'm reading too much into everything she does. That's what she'd tell me, anyway. That's what she kept telling me every time I confronted her on her obvious lack of interest in the relationship when we were still together. I ignored my instincts then. I'm not going to ignore them now. I have such a hard time trusting my instincts - things would never have happened the way they did if I had. It feels unnatural to trust them now, but I'm doing it anyway, even though I have to keep reminding myself why.
I always live my life so well, and have so much common sense about everything, but apparently not with people. With people I learn everything the hard way.
Jan 2 2010, 12:06 PM
Well done on getting your stuff cleared out, epi! I'm sure you're right that she's being nice in order to feel better about herself, but I'm equally sure that she's also being genuinely friendly - exes specialise in mixed signals!
Ccg, angie nailed it - it was a very generic message designed to end your correspondence on a polite note, not one that expects a response. Good luck with the cards - I think it's ok to keep a couple of nice mementoes of a relationship, as long as they won't provoke mopiness or stop you moving on.
Jan 2 2010, 06:52 PM
Please send some positive energy my way. My BF and I broke up, and he finished moving out today. I was at work all day. If anyone remembers, we broke up about a year ago and got back together, but this time it's final. It was a mutual decision, and I know it's the best one for both of us, but it still hurts. He took one of our dogs, and our other dog who I have is acting all weird and depressed. This is so sad.
Jan 2 2010, 09:11 PM
((((dayglow)))) That blows. Even when it's mutual, it's so sad and really hard. *Positive vibes being sent your way.* You will heal, your dog will adjust, and you will find happiness in the future. I bet it will all make sense someday.
Jan 3 2010, 10:41 AM
(((dayglow and her dog)))
Jan 3 2010, 12:45 PM
*~*~*vibes for dayglowpink and her dog*~*~*
Jan 4 2010, 06:11 AM
((((Dayglowpink)))))My ex and i had a mutual breakup too. But it's still a loss you have to deal with. (((((feel better)))))) ((((dog))))
(((Ccg)))I'm a little late in on this, but don't contact him. He probably wants to feel better since he let you down in such a rat-assed way. He promises to contact you, to call, and then he doesn't. I think that says enough about him and the way he deals with you. He doesn't deserve you, and you will fare soo much better by not contacting him and working to get him out of your system instead.
With this kind of situation i always remember something a friend of mine said "If you're not sure what to do, do nothing". I take a step back and try not to be obsessive about whether or not to contact someone. My bff says: "You don't have to do anything", meaning that i always feel i need to take action in some way, even if it's the other person who did something awful. Just let it go and see how you feel after some time had passed.
Anyway, these are the kind of advice i try to live by, because it saves me so much anxiousness.
I had a NYE party at my house. I only invited people who make me feel at ease, no negativity (apart from me drinking way too much;)). At some point a friend of mine asked my bff if she thought i was still too involved with my ex. My bff said 'yes, i think so'. I don't feel that way, but when people close to you say so i guess it must be true. I like that my friends are upfront about these issues. It means i'm still trying to move on. And that it doesn't matter that it's not always easy. I'll get there.
Jan 4 2010, 10:48 AM
(((dayglow))) (((futura))) (((ccgirl)))
I think you are probably right nickclick. It is so much easier to be back in my city, it's still really hard to be in the hometown. That's ok for now.
Jan 4 2010, 12:02 PM
What do you do when you think you've moved on but you clearly haven't? I feel so depressed right now I barely have the energy to write this post. I dated my ex for 6 years, and we just broke up a year and a half ago. He's a great guy but has had problems with motivation and such, for example he's currently 29 years old and is still living with his parents and its taken him 9+ years to finish college undergrad (he says he still has over a year to go!). The main reason we broke up is because I am an overly motivated person and I just couldn't see him going anywhere or doing anything with his life after I waited so long. I've always worked really hard and its gotten me into one of the top universities for graduate school. We just didn't match in our career paths. I spent many years when we were together pushing him and pushing him to move out of his parents house and to get in school, then to finish school. He's finally started making more progress over the last year and is moving out of his house at the end of this month.
Over the break-up I started dating someone else. I kept it from him though, and even though I care so much about my current bf, I guess I was always leaving that door open for some reason. I know that was wrong, and I do deserve everything that's come to me because of it, but it was a combination of me being chicken-shit and not wanting to hurt my ex, and also being afraid of him moving on from me I guess, if you want me to be completely honest. Needless to say, time has gone on and we have seen each other for dinner and such and its all been very friendly. But over that year and a half he hadn't started dating anyone else. Now before you say it, I KNOW I'm being selfish, I know this very well. And deep down I do want him to find happiness. But just yesterday he told me that he's seeing someone else, and one of my sister's friends no less. I don't know why, but even though I knew it would happen eventually, I just never saw it coming or predicted how I would feel. I even have a bf for chrissake so how can I even talk? He had the decency to tell me, something I was too chicken to do, and as soon as I heard I started crying hysterically. It just came out of me, and I am NOT a cryer. I was shocked at my reaction and even more shocked when I found myself calling him later, begging him to re-consider. He has been dating her for a week, and he told me he didn't want to reconsider. (God I know I'm crazy I have a bf for godssake, I know it's wrong). I guess the reality of the situation finally hit, that we aren't going to be together. It had been left so open that I never believed it before. And when he told me that some girl he's been dating for a week mattered more to him than me right now, it just crushed me to death. He was my first everything, and now he's truly gone. And to top it all off, some other girl is going to benefit from all the hard work I did to get him into school and to move out. Am I being insane? I just can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, and until now I never had to face it. I just got lucky I guess. I know I should just care about my bf now and it shouldn't bother me, but I can't help how I feel and it's literally killing me. I was up crying all night so much that my eyes are almost too sore to open. I slept til past noon and I have no motivation to even be up. I guess one of the parts that really digs into me is he told me that this girl is "always available" bc she's a school teacher, and I'm not. He told me that I would never have enough time for him and that I'm never there for him. I'm in such a rigorous program at school that I barely have time to breathe and it's so difficult and keeps me so stressed out and wound up that I don't even have time to be there for myself, but I have been there when he needs me, like when he needed a car so bad and I loaned him $1000 that I barely had myself and when his grandfather died and I went right after a long clinical day to the funeral even though we had been broken up for almost a year. I may not have all the time in the world, but I try my best with the time I do have. I don't even know why I'm saying this bc I have a wonderful bf now that I'm grateful for, but the things he said just hurt me so much. I feel like he doesn't care about me at all, not even as a friend. And for whatever reason it hurts me to see him with someone else so much. Is this a normal feeling, or does this mean I still care about him more than I thought? I feel so pathetic, and so crushed, and feel guilty for feeling crushed. We're supposed to meet up later today bc we've been on the same cell phone plan forever (not something I would ever recommend) and now we're going to get out of it and get our own plans. I'm terrified to even face him. I don't want to get all shaky and break out crying in public, and I want to act strong and mature about the whole thing but I don't know if I can. I want to just say " I'm happy for you and have a nice life" but it kills me to cut someone out of my life that has been there since I was in high school. He will never love me again, and not that I should want him to, but it makes me sad. Nothing in my life is going exactly right right now and I don't want to keep being depressed, but I'm having trouble finding a silver lining what with this news and my hectic stressful school starting up again next week. At some point today I will get out of bed..
Jan 5 2010, 02:42 AM
It doesn't sound like you grieved for the loss of this relationship at the time - allow yourself to have your feelings now. Have a good cry, have a good mope, then get off that cell phone plan and STOP SEEING HIM! You might be friends one day, but that's not what you are right now, and continued contact will damage both of your new relationships.
I have to be harsh now - it sounds like this is more about your ego than your feelings for him. Did you really do all those things just for him, or was it partly so that you could feel good about yourself? You sound furious with him for not being more grateful. Look, no relationship (romantic or platonic) can work when things are that unbalanced - it's very uncomfortable to have to feel grateful to someone all the time. Everyone needs a bit of give and take to feel comfortable in a relationship.
You said that some other girl is going to benefit from all the hard work you've done. Be honest - were you thinking of collecting that reward one day? Were you keeping in touch so that when he got his act together you could upgrade from your current boyfriend?
I'm guessing that there were good reasons for the break-up that weren't to do with his motivation, and you should focus on those now to remind yourself why you wouldn't choose to be with him.
ETA: Butterfly Effect
Jan 5 2010, 07:46 AM
Thanks Persiflager, and you're right I do need to just close that door right now and not look back at least until I stop caring so much. I really didn't get upset over the actual breakup, because it wasn't real to me I guess. Now that it is I do need to just stop all contact before I embarrass myself any further than I feel I already have.
I'm not sure that I'm mad because he's ungrateful, but more mad bc he said I'm never there for him, and I feel like I've tried my hardest to be there, especially when he really needed me. So when he told me she is there and I'm not and accused me of just not being around to help ever, I just couldnt believe he would say that. But people's perspectives are different of course.
That Butterfly Effect thing is true, and maybe I made it harder for him to change with my nagging and maybe he can change now bc he's with someone new and that makes it easier.
I know time heals all wounds, and that's what I would tell my girlfriends after a breakup, so that's what I just need to let happen, but I want this pain to go away so bad. I keep trying to push it out and empower myself and not be sad, but I keep getting this image in my head of the 2 of them together, doing the things we used to do. Not productive I know, need to turn the brain off and focus on something else.
Jan 5 2010, 05:27 PM
(((buttercups))) Try to take care of yourself. It's really painful for me to think of my ex with another girl as well. I get myself all wound up thinking about it, and it's very unproductive but hard to stop the cycle. I guess just try to stay busy and get support from your friends and family if they're available. Do allow yourself to grieve if that's what you need right now. He may be angry and trying to get back at you by saying some of those things, but you know what you felt inside when you tried to be there for him.
Jan 5 2010, 10:39 PM
((((((dayglow and buttercups))))))
I need some strength vibes. I don't know what's wrong with me but all of a sudden I have been crying non stop for the last 20 minutes. I wish I had someone to call but I feel like there is only one person I can call and I don't want to wake her up because it's late.
Every time I think I'm done crying I start back up again. I hate this, I don't know what's wrong with me. I really was doing okay and I keep thinking about how angry I am at him but then about how much I miss being with him. I don't know if I've said it before but our problem is that while he treated me great whenever we saw each other, he was an ass whenever we were apart (ie. would just kind of ignore me or would break plans). I miss the way things were when we were actually together, like the way he would make me laugh or the way it felt to be in his arms.
I know this is all so lame and that I'm being nostalgic but it just hurts so much. I think one of the worst experiences I had over the holidays was my parents having to comfort me when I was crying about him right on Christmas Day. I just want to be over him. I keep hoping and praying (literally) to just get through this and move on and I feel like I am barely making any progress.
Jan 6 2010, 02:43 AM
Jan 6 2010, 04:02 AM
Here's a link
to find a local helpline - I used to volunteer on one of these when I was a student and have called them myself, and it can be helpful to unburden to a stranger who knows how to listen.
Jan 6 2010, 09:37 AM
~~~~~~ for ccgirl ~~~~~~~~~~
after my big breakup, it took me almost a year to realize that i wasn't really missing HIM (i rationally knew why we weren't going to work out, but couldn't help from thinking he was the ONLY one for me). i was missing being in a relationship, having a boyfriend, having someone to snuggle with on the couch. yes, there were times that we were happy but he wasn't the only person i could be happy with. that helped focus my attention away from the past and to the future and the hopes of finding a snuggle partner that was a more suitable match.
you are not being lame. you will get thru this and you will move on. it takes time and there is no prescribed amount of time that works for every situation.
Jan 6 2010, 10:26 AM
(((ccgirl))) ugh that is so hard what you're going through, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You may feel like you're barely making progress for quite some time, and then one day you will wake up and you won't even really notice it but you'll be thinking about him less, and the next day even less, until you realize you feel better. I mean for chrissake I'm upset about my ex a year and a half later when I already have another bf, I think that is crazy and lame. What you're going through now is completely normal, and while it sucks so much I think you just have to let yourself grieve. When you're really feeling down and out, think about all the people in your life who love you and are here for you, all the busties included because everyone here cares about you. And you know what helps me a lot, angry girl rock! Sometimes when you're feeling depressed all you want to do is lay in bed and listen to sad, depressing music. But next time, try angry girl music, it can be empowering. And the classic Alanis Morissette You Oughta Know always seems to do the trick haha. Sounds stupid, but it can really pull me out of that sad, and put me in the angry, which for whatever reason makes me feel like I could give a shit if he's in my life or not- and that attitude helps. Hope you're doing better today sweetie, we're all rooting for you!
Jan 6 2010, 11:49 AM
Thanks so much, ladies. I ended up calling my cousin and stayed on the phone with her for a little while. It was good because I find that I talk to her about five minutes about how I'm feeling but then the conversation moves on and we talk about other things. Usually that's all I need. I think part of the problem was that I just spent two and a half weeks with family and suddenly I was back here, totally alone.
I felt a bit worried today because I'm taking a class about sexuality and identity. I'm really hoping that all this talk about sex and couples isn't going to make me feel totally alone. However I think a lot of the course will be focused on non-heterosexual sex so hopefully I can focus on that and not on my own type of relationship.
Jan 11 2010, 03:36 PM
I've been talking to some of my friends and most of them say that I should just jump right back into dating. I'm starting to feel ready to do that anyway. But I'm not sure if I can handle looking through profile after profile of guys who don't interest me. I also have never been one of those girls who can just go on date after date with guys who aren't a good fit. I'm not the type of girl who "dates around" cause that just seems depressing.
Anyway, I guess I'm rambling. I can feel deep down that I'm getting ready to move on but I'm a bit scared.
Jan 11 2010, 04:35 PM
cc_girl, if you feel like dating, then do it. if not, then don't. don't let your friends influence your feelings about getting back into the game. i made that mistake after i broke with one of my exes years ago and made alot of poor choices because i was still hurt from the previous relationship.
Jan 11 2010, 06:00 PM
I keep feeling like I'm getting there though. Like, I wouldn't go looking for a date this week but in a few weeks I can see myself giving it a try. This might sound lame and totally stereotypical but yesterday my period started and I was so distracted by the cramps and chocolate cravings that I just felt like, "Fuck men, I don't want to deal with them right now."
All I can say for sure is that if I go out on a date and it turns out that I'm not ready then I'll give myself some more time.
Jan 11 2010, 10:59 PM
Ccgirl. the best revenge is to be happy. Time heals. And one nice gentle man will put him in the past faster than anything
Jan 14 2010, 11:49 PM
Strangely, I feel a bit opposite.
My housemates are mostly like F relationships and F guys....hahah so it's hard for them to relate although they will easily encourage still "having a little fun" ...not exactly in those terms though.
It doesn't help that I have a fat crush on someone I've been seeing since I broke up with my bf...
I don't really hear them encouraging me to get into anything right now...I mean its a good thing I guess because we all always remind each other to focus on school and take care of ourselves.
nickclick>>I know what you mean. I talk to this guy I've been seeing(long distance-ish) and once he completely stops talking to me for a while...I think back to my ex and think of callin him and remembering when times were good and he would hold me