Jan 14 2010, 11:59 PM
ccgirl>> I totally feel you, girl, my winter was not the best either..my ex actually spent christmas eve with us because we're "friends" didn't really think it was right that he was there..but I guess I missed his company...and thats how it was mostly the entire winter break I was home we hung out a lot. before new years we said we would limit contact and it was fine until I came back...I called him...tryin to act cool but he knew i was crying...feeling lonely...
Jan 15 2010, 09:12 PM
Busties, the guy I was seeing, M, who I posted about in the crush thread, dumped me. I'm feeling utterly brokenhearted about it. I'm not really sure why - we weren't dating very long at all. He was just so nice and kind to me. It really felt like how a good relationship is supposed to feel. He made plans with me and always seemed excited to see me. I didn't see a breakup coming at all. No weird vibes, or anything. I'm just really depressed about it. I feel like no relationship is ever going to work for me. I just cried all day yesterday. And I'm feeling so out of it today. I'm just so confused. He really seemed to like me.
Jan 15 2010, 09:22 PM
Jan 16 2010, 11:28 PM
Did he give you a reason why? I got dumped like that out of the blue when I was 18. He was like my first real boyfriend and we were only seeing each other for three months and everything seemed normal. He went away for a weekend and when he came back he took me to a coffee shop and did it there. I was so embarrassed and upset I just got up and walked out. I was so confused that a few days later I called him and asked him what happened and why he broke up with me so suddenly. He said it had been in the back of his mind for a while but he wasn't sure but felt it was time. In retrospect, I think he probably met a chick he liked while he was away. I don't know about you, but at least having a reason as to why he did it made me feel better.
Ironically, we dated again over a year later and after two weeks I realized he annoyed the fuck out of me. He was arrogant and I sometimes felt embarrassed to be around him. I broke up with him after less than a month - I'm sure he thinks it was a revenge set up. (I don't recommend this)
Jan 17 2010, 08:57 PM
He said that he just didn't want a relationship. Maybe that's true, maybe not. I doubt I'll ever know & I'm trying to move past it in my own way. What sticks is that he was acting like he DID want a relationship - so maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. I have always known exactly what I wanted (sounds weird, but it's true) except for during one 2-3 month chunk of my life and that was only career-wise. I try not to judge people who don't know what they want, but they sure can make my life miserable when it comes to dating. Just kind of feeling glum at home right now. I'm getting past the gut-wrenching agony of it, though, so that's good.
Jan 22 2010, 09:14 PM
Okay, so this is basically one of the dumbest things I'll ever post but here goes.
I am finally starting to get back into the dating game (just barely) but the problem is that I feel like I'll never be as physically attracted to anyone as I was to my ex. It's hard enough to move on when I know that we had a lot of the same interests, enjoyed spending time together and both found each other incredibly attractive.
But I'm also feeling like that relationship didn't work out so maybe it's about more than looks. Or maybe I'll find someone attractive over time. I mean, I'm not gorgeous or anything so I shouldn't expect to be with an incredibly hot guy but...I don't really know what I'm saying. I guess what I'm asking is, do looks really matter?
Jan 22 2010, 11:24 PM
CC_girl, I felt the exact same way about my ex. We had a crazy amount of sexual chemistry. I've gone on to be attracted to other guys. Not in the same way as I was to my ex, but once I got over him, I was able to not compare and just be thrilled with what I had with a new partner. And it's only been 6 months since we split.
As for whether looks matter, well I don't think LOOKS matter, but I think it matters whether you're attracted to the person you're with. Attraction is about a LOT more than looks. The ex I mentioned above, who I thought, and still think, is the sexiest man alive? The first time I saw him, I actually didn't think he was good-looking at all. Then we got to know each other and attraction just bloomed.
Please don't settle for someone you're not attracted to, and please don't settle for someone who you ARE attracted to but who doesn't treat you right. I believe that you can have both.
Feb 2 2010, 10:46 PM
Gah, I was doing okay for most of the weekend but for the past two days the ex has been on my mind a lot. Part of me keeps going through all the reasons I would never take him back and part of me keeps thinking about all the good times we had and honestly, I just can't picture myself with anyone else. I don't know why, maybe the online dating this is too much to handle right now. It seems that all the people I'm interested in on there aren't interested in me and the only people who message me are ones that I'm not interested in. Geez, it's like that Love Stinks song.
Feb 3 2010, 02:33 AM
CCgirl>>! I totally know what you mean me and my ex just have better physical chemistry and in the sex department with (lets call him) Bboy it's not as satisfying I mean I am attracted to him, I do have a lot more fun with him but no one has gotten me to the big O like my ex..I'm worried about this to the point where I have let me and my ex continue our sexual relationship... eeek is this a good Idea?
Feb 3 2010, 10:04 AM
I wasn't really talking about sexual chemistry, I was talking about the relationship as a whole and that I miss being with him.
I don't know your situation entirely but it sounds like you're saying that you are cheating on your current boyfriend with your ex so no, I don't think that's a good idea.
Feb 3 2010, 10:46 AM
Candy, I totally know what you mean. I've been there. You two were together for a good while and it takes time to really be ready to get back in the dating game. I felt the same way when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. Even though I was the one who did the breaking up, for a long time I felt like I couldn't see myself with anyone else. I think I tried dating too soon and I just felt empty and broken.
Even if you have your profile on a dating website and you're not really pursuing anything, it can still feel like pressure. Go on, check if anyone worthwhile has messaged you, search if there are any worthwhile profiles and then feeling lonely because no one you're attracted to is interested or you can't even find someone worth messaging.
I always think of it as being in limbo - you don't want to go back (or at least not all of you does) but you're not ready to move on yet.
Feb 4 2010, 03:00 AM
I don't have a current boyfriend...it's kind of complicated in a way because Bboy is my "best friend" which a good friend he is but we do more than just hang out when I see him sometimes. My ex just told me he wants to be my good friend as well and I miss hanging out with him as things are getting better in our lives but while we just hang out our physical relationship comes back because of that chemistry I guess. Both these guys know about each other too so I feel just a tad bit stuck.
Feb 9 2010, 09:35 PM
I hope I'm posting this in the right place.
My 'boyfriend' and I have been together for around a year and a half, and have been living together for around five months. I put boyfriend in quotes because I don't think that's really what I can call him anymore.
I'm sick of him and he's sick of me. I honestly think we just make much better friends. (We were friends for 4 years before we got together.) We never have anything nice to say to each other, it's just not working. We both realize this.
However, whenever I try to break it off, he cries and tells me he loves me and he doesn't want me to go. I'm a bleeding heart, so of course, I stick around- lather rinse repeat.
I don't know where I'm really going with this, all I know is that I'm tired of it, and I'm ready for it to end. I just want to move on with my life- I'm tired of being stuck in this unhappy relationship.
Feb 10 2010, 10:16 AM
Lustfully, I think it's true that people always break up a couple of times before it's really "done". I've gone back before and tried again for a couple of more weeks before it was obvious that it needed to end. It sounds like you've already realized it but the habit is hard to break. You'll probably just have to be strong and not give in to him. Better to go through the pain of a breakup than be in a shitty relationship for years.
I heard this funny story on CBC radio 1 about a guy who was dating this woman who never really treated him great and after 6 months he realized the relationship wasn't working but he'd never broken up with anyone before and didn't want to have to be the one to do it. So he waited until a year, when they were living together. And she still didn't do it but never seemed happy. So he waited a year and a half and it didn't happen. Finally after almost 2 years it ended (in a pretty unpleasant way) and she seemed really heartbroken and upset but he always felt like they never even liked each other. He ended commenting on what a waste of almost 2 years of his life. Wish I could find the audio link, it was pretty funny when it aired.
Feb 10 2010, 10:43 AM
Lustfully, honestly I think that by staying that you are doing both you and your "boyfriend" a diservice. You both deserve happiness, and if your heart isn't it and you aren't happy well that's obvious, but also because you can't give your fullest to the relationship, it's making your boy unhappy.
I'd just break up with him.
Feb 10 2010, 12:35 PM
Lustfully, I agree with culture and ketto. Of course he'll be upset at first, but he'll get over it. I'm speaking as someone who has had my heart broken many times over and has always gotten over it. Most of the time I'm actually glad that it ended, even though I wasn't so happy about it at the time. You deserve someone you love and he deserves someone who loves him.
Feb 12 2010, 12:20 AM
Perhaps if it's just a relationship - any romantic relationship - that your guy needs, you're easily replaceable. Bottom line: he'll still get what he wants, but it will be with someone else and you'll be happy.
Feb 12 2010, 11:14 AM
lustfully, i went thru some similarness. i wanted out of the relationship but he didn't do anything terrible enough for me to want to see him hurting so badly because i still did care about him and all. but as everyone has said here, it will be for the best for both of you.
Feb 21 2010, 06:54 PM
Oh Lustfully, I'm right there with you right now- well... ok maybe not exactly because he's shown no emotion. But breaking it off is so painful no matter how much I know it is right. Be strong and do what is best for you. Hard as it is, you need to take care of you- because it sounds like even if he really isn't into the relationship, he's being selfish and getting you to stick around.
And along with Ketto- My stepfather has often said things drag on longer than they should because it is painful and hard to cut that part of your life out. I am literally going through it now- He's supposed to move out this weekend. And it is killing me, regardless of how much I know this relationship is tearing me apart. I am guessing you have tried and tried and tried to make it work a hundred different ways.
Just keep going. Cut the ties. End it.
And keep your chin up.
Mar 12 2010, 06:37 PM
I just need to vent-
I have never in my life been this angry and this hurt and this much of a mess over a guy. And I cannot grasp why I am so wrapped up in things with him and what he's done and how he's hurt me and on and on and on.
And what annoys me- I'm this angry and hurt by a guy I KNEW wasn't the one for me. I knew he wasn't, he was untrustworthy from the beginning, there were BIG issues from day one. And I knew it would be better if things didn't work out..... But now... Oh.My.God. I can't handle things.
I feel better having said that out loud to you all.
But it still sucks.
Mar 15 2010, 04:13 PM
((sageykins)) I know how you feel and I'm so sorry : (
On a similar note, my ex just posted his new relationship status to "in a relationship with whatsherface" on evil facebook. I have no idea why but its still hurting me. Why the fuck do I care? Ugh I have no clue but it just made my heart sink. I'm thinking about blocking him completely, but i guess then I won't be able to fb stalk him and keep torturing myself like this *sigh * Why why why does this make me so upset?! I have my own life. I hate fb. If it wasn't for fb none of it would be in my face like this, I wouldn't be able to see all the comments she makes about wanting to "grab his ass" all over his wall. He was my first bf and only bf for 6 years. Maybe that's why this is so hard, and I want to get even somehow so fuckin bad and make him hurt like I do even though I know that's wrong. But I just hate it that I'm the one left caring while he doesn't give a shit about me or my life. Sometimes life fuckin sucks.
Mar 16 2010, 12:21 AM
(((((Sageykins)))))That's rough. Weird, isn't it, how you know he isn't the one for you, but it still hurts? I'm sorry you have to go through this.
((((Buttercups)))))Oh the relationship pop-up. I haven't had that particular one, but i saw a fb friend of mine change his status like that. He had been in a relationship with a girl i know (she had a hard time getting over him) and when i saw his staus, i was like, 'man, i hope she doesn't see this'.
But to read that someone you cared so much about is happy with someone else, and to read it over the internet, yah, i've been there. And i my heart sank. He was totally wrong for me, but i was angry nonetheless. I think that, even if we think we're over someone, there's still that residue of care, which makes us hurt when something like this happens.
I think it's a good idea to block it. You want to move on, and he's not a part of that. (((((take care of yourself))))).
My sis is going through a breakup right now. Now i can do something back, as she and my friends have been on the receiving end, not only on breaking up with my ex 2 years ago, but also the messed up rebound that followed. I recognize her going through particular stages so well, i just try to be a sounding board, when she gets stuck, like, how to move forward.
Mar 19 2010, 05:06 AM
buttercups, de-friend him NOW! Save Future Buttercups any more heartache!
Mar 19 2010, 06:26 AM
(((buttercups))) i second what persiflager said.
in a very similar vein, my ex and i are no "friends" on facebook (or in any other capacity,) but we had mutual friends before we met, and i was just treated to a picture of him at a family baby shower....all snuggled up to the girl he dated before me. i don't REALLY care, but it didn't feel good to see. i'm comforting myself by remembering how his mom liked me so much more than her....i liked his mom.
Mar 19 2010, 12:44 PM
Ok ladies, you're right, he's got to be defriended (haha i love how that's a word now). I sent him a txt telling him i wasn't sure I could stay friends after having to see things all the time, and I kept it as courteous as possible, but he didn't even take the time to respond so f**k him! I'm done trying to be nice and worrying about someone's feelings who clearly doesn't care about mine. On with my own life, she can have him! Ugh enfermera I wouldn't like to see that either! I'm sorry you had to, it hurts a lot sometimes even when you think youre over it. That's why I gotta defriend now before that crap becomes even more in my face.
Mar 19 2010, 03:23 PM
I am sorry you're going through this. It is the worst. This breakup... ugh. I feel like it's a divorce. And part of it, was definitely trust issues and my snooping because I couldn't trust him. And I hate that right now we're friends and yes still on fb, and I see him becoming friends with a bunch of girls. Except- I have to remind myself- I've become friends with about 7-8 people recently, and maybe half are girls, but the others are guys. Thing is on my side- some are hs friends, one is a priest I knew when I was a kid and am friends with his whole family, etc. So I'm trying to remain calm. But lost it yesterday....
I'm guessing similar to how you're feeling. And it sucks. A lot.
And now that I've rambled about myself- my initial intent was to tell you that I know it sucks and I am so sorry for that. Defriending him might be the best option. At least until the wound heals a little bit.
I hope the wound heals a little more now. Get the jerk out of your life and be happy with your own life- less stress without him!!
Mar 21 2010, 01:57 PM
Gah didn't listen to you guys fast enough! And now his profile pic is of the 2 of them kissing! I was having such a good day * sigh * Time to get rid of this crap now!!
Mar 21 2010, 09:31 PM
DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!!
Mar 22 2010, 03:54 AM
Mar 22 2010, 08:15 AM
Good for you! I know it's hard but it's good to not have to deal with him at all. Plus- he can't see you now- which allows you freedom and peace.
Mar 22 2010, 06:21 PM
I'm not sure I'm posting this in the right place- but I'm going to ask anyway- I can move it if need be. I think I read somewhere on some post that people were talking about changing perfumes when they go through a break up- I'm wondering what else people do to help the break up feel easier- What do you do? What things do you change in your life? Hairstyle, perfume, etc... Did I read this somewhere else? Why can't I find it?
Mar 23 2010, 04:24 AM
I'm not sure where you read that, sageykins, but I think it's a good question for this thread!
I usually got for new bed linen and pyjamas, and make them super-soft and pretty and girly. Treats for me, not someone else.
Mar 24 2010, 11:43 AM
Bed linen and pyjamas are a great suggestion, stuff your ex has never slept in/with. It really helps.
I find colour really helpful for dealing with depression and blah-ness. I like having a bit of colour just for me - wearing really silly, garish, colourful underwear covered in lace and ruffles and rhinestones, painting my toenails - just to get that "treat for myself" thrill. And putting some extra colour into my look is a fun confidence-booster, too - bright nail polish and lipstick, new clothes, whatever. I added colour to my surroundings with paint and lights and flowers; flowers, or any plants, really, are especially helpful. Changing perfumes and soaps is a good idea, too - scent is such a powerful reminder. I switched body washes. It was super important, because my ex and I always showered together even when our relationship was at its worst, and it was something I strongly associated with her. Just last week, though, I bought a body wash only to find that it smelled totally different in the shower than it did in the bottle - it actually smelled a lot like my ex's favourite Lacoste perfume. I ended up dreaming about her all night. I'll probably be getting rid of it.
Apr 19 2010, 07:07 PM
Some days it seems so ridiculous to try and function beyond my little bubble of work and the dog. Some days are great but sometimes... It just sucks how much he pulled me down and smooshed what little self esteem I had.
(Just needed to vent that out).
Apr 19 2010, 08:50 PM
I totally hear you. It does suck. You'll be ok!
Apr 20 2010, 03:53 AM
Damn that jerky smoosher! DAMN HIM!
Dogs are brilliant
How's it going, sageykins? Is he all moved out now?
Apr 20 2010, 03:50 PM
Thanks Busties- He is all moved out, there's a few things in the garage but I don't count those. It's odd probably, but he is going to watch her this weekend. I have a conference for work- Is that weird? That she's going to spend the weekend with him?
Apr 26 2010, 09:40 AM
I think it would be weird if it became a regular thing, but not if it's occasional - it's important to have someone you trust take care of your dog.
How are you holding up? ((sageykins))
Apr 26 2010, 03:12 PM
I'm actually doing a heck of a lot better- Thanks Persiflager
I mean it was hard to see him but it was ok. And the funny (?) thing is that both his sister and his cousin (I adore both) have talked to me in the last week to see how I was and just offer support- and they both told me that he missed out and it's better not to dwell, etc etc- all the cliche' stuff I've heard- but somehow different from them. So that helped a lot.
I am doing better, I'm talking to someone I dated about 3 years ago who's across the country and it ended for reasons beyond our control (he was already moving across the country, just couldn't think about LD at that time). Anyway... Moving on
I actually am
Thanks all! I appreciate all the support from everyone
How's everyone else on this Moving On thread??
Apr 28 2010, 07:46 PM
So happy to hear your'e doing better Sageykins! Hope everything continues to go great for you and that when you are ready to date someone else you get someone wonderful that you deserve this time!
I think I'm done thinking about my ex now too. Ever since the whole facebook in my face thing ended, I don't even think about him anymore. I think just having that avenue and having to see him and this new girl all the time was driving me insane, and now that I don't have to see that he is out of sight, out of mind!
Apr 29 2010, 04:11 PM
Yay buttercups! That's good!
I actually took a week off of facebook because I was on it SO much. And would look and see what he was up to. A week away helped. I've still seen his page but it isn't as bad now...
I'm glad for you that things are better!
Apr 30 2010, 05:04 PM
Well, today's the day. It's been one year since J and I broke up. And I feel awesome about it!
Hope everyone else is doing good!
May 2 2010, 02:06 PM
May 5 2010, 02:30 PM
Congrats epi! Glad for you
May 9 2010, 11:59 PM
Aargh, busties . . .
It's been about 10 months since the ex and I split. We still live across the street from each other. I've seen him occasionally on the street, once bringing a woman into his apartment, it sucked but I got over it quickly. Yesterday I went to a restaurant with two of my friends, a stirfry place that's set up like a salad bar. So I get my noodles, get my sauce, and go back for my veggies. And my friend says my name, and I looked up thinking I had cut someone off, and there's my ex standing right behind me. I started shaking, could barely make eye contact. We exchanged pleasantries and then I took off. I'm sure I seemed quite rude to him, I don't even know if we were done talking. He was there with a table of women. On my way out I wanted to say something a bit more collected but I couldn't face seeing him with who I assume is his new girlfriend. This is the guy who told me to never speak to him again. I've been feeling torn up, on and off, since then. Just wondering if this is going to open the door for more contact from him. Wishing I had handled myself better. Wishing I had looked phenomenal with a wonderful guy on my arm.
I don't really know what else to say, just wanting some support for my "relapse."
((((mooooving on busties))))
((((moved on busties))))
May 10 2010, 01:45 AM
Nooooo, no relapse! No blame! You handled it in the best possible way - by getting out of there as quickly as possible.
Ach, how annoying that you still have to run into him near home - that should be safe personal space! Is there anyway you could move further away? It sounds like this is making your life unnecessarily stressful.
May 10 2010, 01:59 AM
That really sucks. I don't think there's a way to really be prepared to see someone who you're on those terms with. Sounds like you handled it fine. You may not have felt very collected, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. It was a difficult situation, and you dealt with it by making nice and getting the hell out of there. I imagine I'd react the same way if I ran into my ex. At least you didn't cry, faint, drop something, or puke on him! He was probably feeling pretty freaked out, too. But guess what - after 10 months, you've finally got the dreaded first run-in over with. You'll probably feel shitty about it for a few days, but it can only get better from here.
I actually had a dream about running into my ex at the store the other day. It was ridiculously horror movie-esque, too. She popped her head out of the cooler and glared at me as I was trying to get a carton of soymilk. I guess that's kind of how I'm feeling about her at the moment - the last time we spoke she was still in Hong Kong, but she's probably back now. Or she could be travelling somewhere else. I have no idea where she is or what she's up to. She could be anywhere. Even in the milk cooler, apparently.
May 10 2010, 04:36 PM
I agree with epi- the first run in is over, and probably he wasn't feeling all too great about it either. Can you move? Is he really right across the street? SHeesh. That's no good. I have a second, empty, bedroom. Move here
I hope that you see it for what it was- a run in. And that's all. The past is over. And perhaps he has moved on, but that doesn't mean you should have with someone else yet. Your timeline is your own. And also, how does he know anything about your life? He doesn't know if you are dating or not. The thing you should be grateful for is he is YOUR EX. You don't have to put up with his crap anymore. And be grateful for that.
May 10 2010, 11:48 PM
The restaurant I saw him at is across town, so I guess it was just one of those things. I live in a college town and 99% or more of the leases are yearlong, August to August. I haven't renewed my place, love it though I do, and I'll be moving somewhere else in August.
Today has not been good. Seeing him dredged up a lot. I truly believed we were never going to speak to each other again.
May 15 2010, 04:55 PM
I thought I was moving on! or rather, I'm maybe still in a pretty rough transition to moving on... except until today I was feeling pretty okay with everything, until I noticed that my ex- is even stalking me on here!
I don't actively contribute often, but I follow pretty regularly, I would say. So I don't log in all the time, but today I logged on and saw that my profile was checked out by my ex-. And he did this despite the fact that this-stalky beahviour was one of the reasons why we came to this point. So after months of separation, I now see I'm still being stalked. Isn't that so creepy and crazy?