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auralpoison
The operative word being "were". Now is not then. Now is now.

I actually took a weekend for myself in NYC to see Hairspray with Harvey Firestein. Divine he's not, but was great anyways.

As far as Budweiser goes, put it back in the horse. I ain't drinking it.

One of the hard parts of relationships is the growth thing. It's difficult sometimes to grow with another person. People change, it's natural & normal. Sometimes the paths don't meet & you have to take the new one. No guilt, no shame. You had your time together & now it's at an end. Try to look at this positively. What's the cliche? When a door is shut, a window opens? This is fresh opportunity. You're gonna get a lot of life lessons out of this that can be used in the future, no matter what choice you & assho... hubby make.

And from the mouths of babes. People don't give kids credit for how perceptive they often are. They can read the undercurrents. As grown ups, sometimes we're too close to see the big picture. It's like those paintings with the hidden images. You have to look at them just right or you miss them. Don't beat yourself up. And EAT!
jami
were
were
were

but I still want the happy ending. I DESERVE it.

were

that's the saddest word to me right now. I am absolutely trembling.

there was one quote I remember reading last night
your marriage is dead.
bury it



but right now, it's not happening for me
auralpoison
You can still have the happy ending. Just not with him.

It's still too soon for quotes like that to apply. You haven't even planned the funeral, how can you bury it? You have to go through the preamble before you can do that. You're still at the raw phase.
jami
definitely raw.
I've been with him since I was 17
it's only been him
how do you do a rewrite of the life you've always visioned.
this is so messed up
auralpoison
The future we write is more often than not a fantasy compared to the future that is. We cannot predict the bumps in the road. You are not at fault. It's a blank slate. You're older now with more experience. It's easier to attempt to chart your destiny with more insight than you had at seventeen.

Both my mother & my gran had husbands that died too young. Neither ever felt they'd find happiness with a man again. They did. I may hate my mother's boyfriend, but he makes her happy, so whatever. This is not the end of the road for you. You will be happy & you will love again.
aunt agonist
i don't have anything nearly as insightful to say as what aural has already said, but i just wanted you to know jami- we are here for you.
and yes, EAT. it helps. i promise. also- take a long, hot shower. when i was at my worst i had post it's that said 'eat' and 'bathe' up b/c i would have done neither without prompting. even when i didn't want to it always made me feel better. good luck ((((jami))))
jami
aurol and auntie...
thanks for the kind words. it feels good.
I have been so cold lately. ever since he talked to me. I did take a hot shower. clean hair feels good.
have not eaten yet. told my son maybe I'm trying too see how long i can go. that's stupid. just not hungry. maybe tomorrow.
found out today that there has been a nasty person spreading rumors... and this is what got him so upset and let the spew out... our ranch forman's wife has been telling people for over two weeks that *I* am planning to leave him... taking the son and going back to California. she did a he said/she said, I'm only telling you what I heard... and told him this. that's what got this all going.
I told him. it was mrs.employee that started all of this. she's been at it for weeks. don't know why. it was her all along.
Don't know if he really heard me.
there was a woman last year... he thought of her as a sister, loved her dearly. she would backstab at me and exclude me from outings and I knew this buddy-buddy thing was wrong. I tried to tell him, he would not hear me and kept defending her. when her true colors finally came out. he was shattered that a person could be so two faced and opportunistic. he was really torn.
and now it's happening again. only with worse results.
off to bed now. will try to sleep.
aunt agonist
ugh jami. that girl sounds like a douche of the first order.

i know that this is IMPOSSIBLE advice (do i ever know it) but 1) EAT SOMETHING. or drink one of those meal replacement shakes like ensure if you absolutely can't stomach food. they are gross, but you just hold your nose and drink it down. you've got enough stuff to feel shitty about right now, feeling shitty b/c your body is weak from being undernourished shouldn't be something else on the list for you 2) try not to think about why or when or how or anything like that for right now. you can't control anything about what he is going to do, you can only control how you act right now (and trust me, i know even controlling that is tough at times like this!). just put one foot in front of the other. and then do it again and again and see where you are once you are in a position that you can look at things with a clearer head. i get how hard this is. when asshat and i broke up, i literally didn't move for 3 hours. i had a panic attack and felt like if i moved at all it would make it real. so i just sat on my couch and wept and finally i thought 'i'm gonna try standing up. just to see how it goes' and it was ok. an then i thought ' ok. let's try a step' and that went well too. it was like a blinding flash of the obvious for me. i was seriously hyperventalating and saying ' i don't know how' over and over again (much to the dismay of my concerned dog) and then i thought.. .ok. i'm just gonna get up and go. an if i need a minute- i'll take a minute. but i'm gonna give it a shot. i hope you don't think i'm being all 'me, me me!'.

i guess what i'm trying to say (badly) is that we've all had similar feelings. it gets better. and sometimes it will sucker punch you with how much it hurts but then you realize that it still dosen't hurt as much as it did. that you dealt with the worst, and that you can handle anything after you've dealt with that. i think the most devastating break ups can ultimately be the most empowering in some ways. it sounds so fucking stupid, but seriously, being in my apartment, our apartment, and just getting off that stupid couch made me feel like i had climbed everest. it will get better. you CAN do this. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you deserve someone who is strong enough to fight for you and who can seperate truth from poison. you deserve someone that you can trust to defend you - you gave up a lot for him and made a lot of compromises to be with him and make him happy. you deserved someone who would recognize those and actively try to make you happy and ensure that your life together was a life that you could BOTH enjoy. you WILL get through this. and if you need help or to talk to any of us- just ask.
(((((jami)))))
jami
dear auntie..,
thank you so much for the post. you had me in tears... it's just unreal how people who don't know me.... really know me.
i'll eat something later on.
Kalevra
Hi All,

Having been away from the forum for a while, and thinking I had something depressing to moan about, I have walked in here with an issue that although crappy to me, seems surmountable compared to you Jami. So I am going to shelve my problem as one of insignificance....
I am probably on the wrong side of the fence to preach to you, but I think I understand the idea of you shelving your own plans to make your man happy, only to get where you are now. I am not going to offer you advice, I think AP can dispense that in her own special ruffian way, but being 'cruel to be kind' is sometimes what it takes.
What I will tell you though,...no matter how bad you are hurting inside, you have to eat. At this point, energy is what u need, and lots of it. The shakes is the best for now, easy, no effort on chewing.
You will bust your defence without sustenance.

Stay well mellow.gif

sperate miseri, caveat felices
aunt agonist
hello again. hope all is well (and jami- i'm glad you're at least thinking about eating. here's hoping by the time you read this post you will have eaten).

quick update on the schmucko. basically i sent the e-mail. i tried to keep it as removed from the situation as possible (i.e-only pleasantries- no real chatting) for 2 reasons 1) if you don't want to be my friend you don't get to know how i feel. 2) if you are gonna poke at bruises i am not gonna reward you for it with getting to know i 'care'.
so basically i sent an e-mail addressing all of the pragmatic issues without anything too intimate. the most intimate it got was ' i'm glad to hear you and your family are doing well'. i also did NOT tell him that i was cutting all contact b/c a) what if i have to contact him for something legitimate? like debt stuff or tax paperwork. i would feel like an a-hole cool.gif he does not get to know that i'm upset enough to say i don't want to speak to him again.

he replied in a similar fashion (just hammering out some more details). *le sigh* i still hope every time i click on an e-mail that he will be really cool in it. like, he's not even such a monumental fuck face, he is a decent guy, but a really awful boyfriend and he is too wrapped up in mhimself for anyone else. but i keep hoping he'll try to be friends. even if he's all 'now it's too early b/c it still hurts - for me', but he is not willing to admit that it hurts for him at all, and he always points out what awful, horrible pain i must be in (like, here is as part of what i said in the great 'asshat says he dosen't wanna be y pal email'
QUOTE
As long as we can stay civil throughout the divorce stuff then I
think we will be fine. I think that there may have been a degree of
awkwardness, but for me I think that mostly dissolved after you called
to ask about *little bro*. I presume that it's probably different for me
because there is nothing really that I could possibly be angry at you
about, so I don't really need to work out how I feel about you or
anything like that.


*sigh*
ah well. no contact with him should be good for me. it will be good for me. it's just hard to read his most recent e-mail and think 'well. that's the last time i'm gonna hear from him unless something groundbreaking happens'. although, i suspect that if i stay good at not contacting him, he may send more little barb filled e-mails. passive aggressiveness is lame. i am trying to remember that if you think too hard about what something is gonna be like in a month, a year, 2 years, and how you're going to live without something than of course it seems impossible, but that when you say 'hey. i can live without this for 20 minutes. an hour. a day. a week' and so on, it helps you to remember that eventually, you'll hit that month, or year or 2 years and probably not feel anywhere near as bad as you thought you would.


i'm mostly ok. everytime i start to cry i think about how i feel 400x better than i felt that day. and i feel 4000x better than when we were having huge fights. it is ultimately better, but that dosen't mean that it dosen't still suck. i guess today's just a kind of wobbly day.

here's hoping that you guys and gals are having a less wobbly and more empowering day than i am.

-aa

jami
aa... so sorry about your pain. passive aggressive schmuck. you're above that.

I ate today... eggs and sausage and potatoes. then it went thru me. happens. had some crackers later.
Found out that mrs.employee ( foreman's wife) is known as a major bitch by the locals. (why didn't they tell me?) 5x worse than G/F#1, the buddy. great. she's been backstabbing at me for weeks.
told him, thought a bit of light and truth would come thru. nope. it was... why was I trying to blame others? it's me to blame. ~wtf~
talked with the bishop today and although he didn't know me (I was forbidden to go to church) he kinda pegged it... go to a lawyer, protect yourself, and something that sounded like he's moved on. the only part I didn't like was when he said I should calmly talk to him and say... well if you want to separate and divorce, then I will leave, but you must (financially) help me. don't bloody think so. my stuff would be out in the snow and I still don't have a car!
the pain is still there, the shakes are too. god, why does it have to hurt so?
i told my son that he is like a narcotic... I want to be with him, fight for him. but when I talk to my boys... they are so absolutely behind me... I feel showered in calming love. and then it doesn't hurt so bad.
is that strange?
~jami~
laying low till wednesday lawyer day. weather had better co-operate. 4 inches of snow so far, and it's supposed to snow for 3 days.
jami
hey guys... opinion here...
I was wondering about a 3x5 notice in the local paper... something like
Attention Residents.
it has come to the attention of Mrs. Jami that local rumor-mongrel mrs.employee has been spewing vile gossip. At no time did I EVER say that I was planning on leaving my husband and taking my son and moving back to California.
Shame on those who spread the rumor. and shame on those who believed it.

whadda ya think?
or would it just fan the fire and make things worse?
aunt agonist
i gotta tell ya jami -- i think it may just kind fan the fire and make it harder for you to focus on you right now. although- i'm not the best one to talk right now. i've certainly fanned my share of fires. give it a few days before you do anything. only b/c you don't want to later think that it was rash. she does sound like a nasty, rumor spreading beeyotch, but it sounds like the town people already know that. i think that she may have been the catalyst but (and i REALLY hope this dosen't sound unkind) if he listened to her and is responding that 'this is about you' then i am not sure it would make a difference. if he listened to her and acted the way he did, then there must have been a part of him that was a little too easy to persuade. he is responsible for his own decisions- as you are yours. and he has to live with the consequences. i think pinning this entire thing on her (as poisonous as i think she is) skews the fact that it was ultimately his decision. and he is ultimately the sole owner of that choice. there may have been influences but they couldn't have made that choice for him. if i want to fly to the bahamas, i am more likely to do it if a see a sale on, but if i had no intention of leaving, then seeing flights for $4 roundtrip wouldn't phase me (aa - queen of horrible analogies!!!)

good luck. and FANTASTIC news that you're eating- even if it isn't staying put. your boys sound like angels.
auralpoison
Jami, that's the hurt fucking with you. You take out that ad & you're just as bad as Brit & the Coach. Seriously. DON'T. Do you really want to involve your whole community in your private situation? NO. It'll only make things worse.
jami
AP+AA
ok, got it. and for what it's worth, I think you're right. but it's that I want to be heard. even if it's my own husband that will not listen to me.
he's closed off his heart to me, and that's the most painfull of all. not that viper Brit. I have even heard that she may be trying to be the MrsR#2 and dumping her own hubby. kinda wouldn't put it past her.
but yes, he was too easily swayed. does sound like he made this decision, even subconciousy, awhile ago.
but why in the world didn't he do this two years ago when he was in Idaho cleaning up the ranch and I was in Ca closing up the house???? that's what gets me.
aunt agonist
holy. shit
prepare for the scroll down folks, cuz i've got a fucking doozy.
so he replied to my reply and basically said 'i've asked about trying to get you off the insurance' (wtf??) ' and i can't do that 'til we're divorced anyway' and then he said 'i'm still gonna get my new phone as soon as i can'

sigh. i took the bait. i looked at the phone bill when it came in.
there were a lot of calls to a number i hadn't seen recently that were like, several hours long.

here comes the crazy...

i called him. serveral times actually, today and it just went to voicemail. i called him one last time this evening. he sounded really exasperated like i was wearing on him. i said 'hey. we need to talk' 'i got the phone bill. um, there were a lot of really long calls to one number' (silence) ;'are you seeing someone else?' he said yes. i asked it she was in the picture before we broke up and he claims that he only met her a week ago. he was being really evasive so i asked if she was with him right then. he said she was. i was fucking infuriated. i told him that i took the fucking bait and looked at the phone records. he clearly wanted to hurt me and he got his fucking wish. he said he had hoped i wouldn't find out like this. that is ridiculous. nobody draws that much attention to a phone bill he knows that i pay without wanting me to find out that way. if he didn't want me to find out that way he would have fucking just grew a pair and told me. i was literally shaking with rage and then threw up. i can't eat. i'm sick that i let this cancer into my life. he had the audacity to say 'i'm sorry your hurt'. no your fucking not! you actively tried to hurt me! and i never believed that you would be capable of this. i can't believe he is staying on in this country, on a visa that MY FAMILY sponsored so he can fuck some fucking jersey girl. i'm sick that i ever let him touch me. i told him that he needed to get the fuck off my phone line and pay whetever necessary to do so. i told him we would never be friends, and for good measure, i sent him this (subject line- do not reply to this)
QUOTE
edited to remove direct quotes from the e-mail.suffice to say it was v.heated and i feel bettern now.

i wish to god i had never met him. he ruined every single good memory i have of us together. i'm filing for divorce tomorrow. i don't care if i don't have insurance anymore, or even how much it costs. i want to remove ths THING from my life immediately. i have never in my life hated someone so much. he is fucking dead to me. any memories he has, he has without my permission.
/weepy.
aunt agonist
i still can't sleep. sorry to monopolize but i feel like the floor got fucking swept from beneath me. i can't believe he hid behind his new girlfriend and didn't answer until she was there. i can't believe how cold and weary of me he sounded. i can't believe i trusted him. i don't understand how the person i once thought i loved is capable of this. and i hate that he's probably talking about his 'crazy ex' right now. and i tried not to- but i hate that girl. she must know the situation-- who does that? who dates someone 10 days out of an almost 6 year relationship? fucking jersey girl. fucking stupid scottish son of a bitch. i hate them both and i hope they both get an awful (but not life threatening) fucking std.
nickclick
(((aunt a)))) and (((jami)))

he's obviously living some fantasy life where he gets to be with a new woman but still have you in his life, even if it's by hating him. don't give him that much. don't give him anything more of yourself! don't let him know you're angry. i'm not saying don't be angry, because that's impossible i'm sure. but it won't last, your anger or this "relationship." soon he'll realize what a total dick he's been and when he sees you don't give a flying fuck, that'll be your revenge. but you won't even care by then because he will be but a minor blip in your life... a distant memory... a foggy reminder of mistakes made and lessons learned.

btw, you're angry so i'll forgive the jersey slanders smile.gif


jami, how are you today?
jami
Hey all. I'm still here
ate some tomato soup last night. not much, but it was all I could stand.
had a 4 hour talk with hubby. he does not want to change, help me change, wants to basically blame me for everything. seems now that I was fun and happy and good to be around, but that changed when our first child was stillborn 23 years ago. now I am mean and nobody wants to be around me and he has to make excuses for me all the time. blamed me for driving off his childhood friends. not bloody likely!
so... he's happy and he has everything and he wants me gone.
kinda thought of what he's been planning.... his mom and dad have money. he's gonna go see them today. to 'tell them' prob wants $$ to buy me out so he can still have everything... ranch, cows, house, girlfriend. the place is worth $4 mil.
oh yeah, caught him in a lie. it wasn't the coach, it was employeewife, but his believing that I was gonna leave him came from girlfriend #3. he's been calling her all along, she told him lies and he believed her. again with the other women. He has cut his emotions from me completely.
says he loves me but he's not in love with me.
I need to be with my boys.

aunt a.... can't say what to say. your hurt and betrayl. unbelieveable. good for you. go see the lawyer. do it. update us. many hugs, Jami
nickclick
jami, so glad to see your post, and glad you've had something to eat. please continue to take care of yourself. that's #1 priority!

how are you supposed to argue with nonsense like that? you can't, which is exactly his objective. don't try to make sense of it.

my suggestion is to start thinking of and planning for the future. think of what you've got to look forward to.... even better relationships with your sons, now that you'll be happier? a move to where you want to live? tickets for Hairspray??? it's all about YOU now!
jami
ok... I am so scared. laying low for now. here's what happened. hubby took the truck I needed today to go into town at 7:30 for a part. when 12:30 rolled around and no vehicle... I called the animal shelter which is nextdoor to the woman he's been seeing. I made up this story and asked them to check to see if my white pickup was there. Oh yes, he just left a few minutes ago. ~ohmygod~ he was with her all morning.
that kinda just did it.
I went to town and filed a restraining order. the sh*t's gonna hit the fan when the sherrif's officers come to escort him off the property tomorrow morning. I am shaking. my blood pressure is unbelieveable. and it's not pre-emptive strike. he is being so unrational, I have no idea what is up next. he's threatened to kill the dogs 'cause they have a nightmare and wake him, he's threatened to burn down the house... to 'start new'.... he has three gun safes full of weapons, sidearms, he's a double black belt.
strange, always thought he'd be there to protect me 'cause of all of that, now I'm just blasted terrified.
doctor appt is tomorrow, lawyer the next day, gonna have someone housesit, taking my son with me.
ate a yogurt, went thru me. ate some pineapple and chicken. so I am trying.
AA...how are you??? been thinking of you.
thanks everyone for your support. every email is so wonderful. it's amazing. thanks all.
aunt agonist
jesus jami. that's some hardcore shit! good for you for the restraining order! you're doing what you need to do and that's amaizing. you are hard as nails lady(even if you don't feel like you are!). is there anyone you can call and stay with? it seems like the homefront dosen't feel safe for you anymore. or even maybe just like, a hotel?? or could he maybe get the hell out until this is settled? i feel like that would be fair and he SHOULD be willing to do that. although- EX-es don't always act like rational human beings, do they?
good luck though- and if you ever want to come to north cackilacky for some respite- drop me a line. i've been thinking about your situation a lot lately and i'm certain that things will look up soon. i mean, the good thing about rock bottom is it can only get better from here.

i'm doing MUCH better actually. i mean, i still don't relish the thought of him being with another woman, but i found out a couple of choice pieces of info today (by the way nick. sorry about the jersey girl thing. her number is a jersey number so that's my nickname for her. *hangs head in shame at slandering all the cool jersey girls out there*)
1. none of our mutual friends liked him. they tolerated him b/c they liked ME. and they have now decided to cut him off. HA!
2. i bet my mom $20 bucks that after all that he would try to poke some more to get another reaction within the next week. well i collected this afternoon. he read my e-mail and said 'i'm not going to respond to your gigantic attack' (ha! what do you think you just did?)he also said that he got off my phone (good!) and talked to a divorce lawyer (better!) and that we should probably do a divorce with fault. he said we could fabricate ground and that he presumed i was ok with signing a paper that said we haven't had sex for a year. umm... i'm not. we have cause- we are still technically married so he is technically comitting adultery. it gives us cause without me lying to the court- something i'm not terribly comfortable about doing. also- i'm certainly not saying we had a sexless relationship after i sponsered a visa to get him into the country. if it looks like he was a greencard husband i could get into deep shit. if he wants to say keep the adultery thing out of the divorce he can say that he realized he was gay recently. it gets me off the hook and he dosen't have to involve his new girlfriend. he's looking into annullment so that would be the best option. i had planned on self filing myself, but i'm more than happy to let him do all the grunt work on this (and pay the $400 or more to get it done with). if he thinks he's getting one over on me, that's fine by me. he also said 'You can believe whatever bizarre fantasy you like.' with regards to my gigantic attack that he wasn't going to respond to. um... the fantasy where i'm right? whatevs.
4. he was lecherous with my best friend (the often mentioned mutual friend who is on my side) when he found out his brother was sick. nothing concrete, so she didn't tell me, but after that she sorta stopped hanging around him when he was drinking b/c he kept on making lots of unnecessary physical contact and leaning in WAY to close. to the point that other friends were like 'umm... is asshat trying to KISS you??'

it's funny. i thought he was being cold or mean, but now it's clearer that he's just desperate to provoke a response. any response. to feel 'loved'. it dosen't even make me angry anymore. it's just kind of pathetic and sad. i mean, don't get me wrong, my feelings are still hurt, but it's a lot easier now that i see his acting like he dosen't care is just another way to provoke a response. i'm sure there will be more attacks and provocations on his part, but if he'll take the low road, i guess that leaves me with the high road.
i do have to e-mail him to tell him about the 'fault divorce' thing. but it will be really bland and clinical. i'm just not even interested in arguing anymore. it's like- i win by virtue of you being a sad, pathetic little man. whatever you say- i still win. i'm sure he'll say that 'i need to get over him' or that i'm clingy or desperate or crazy or irrational or some such thing. or even just call to tell me how much he LOVES his new girlfriend or some such thing. water off my back now. the funny thing is - it's him that's living a bizarre fantasy. sure, i may not be dating anyone else, but i'm still MUCH more over him than he is of me. that's clear by his actions. the only sad thing is that i gave him the benefit of the doubt so often. i even (on the one occasion that we chatted and it was ok) was telling him about this guy that i reconnected with from high school at the bar the other night, told him that he had a girlfriend (he didn't. he kinda skirted around asking me out and i tried to casually dropped that i moved home b/c i was just getting out of a break up. so obviously- no date for me. which is good right now). i told him that just so it wouldn't be awkward for him. i suppose the one thing i can be proud of is that (crazy girl e-mail nonewithstanding) i handled myself in a way i can be proud of (for the most part). i mean, i'm even proud about the e-mail. those who know me have NEVER seen me yell and i've NEVER shouted at him. it was a long time coming and i'm glad i had the balls to do it.

jami
AA... you sound so much better. your soul is healing. I am so GLAD for you!!!!!!
the power went off, so my attempt at backing up my computer so I could take it with me (in case) failed. I have to do it manually now.
I called my oldest son and he is just so smart... don't listen to him, it's all lies... I call them every day now. they soothe me and give me stregnth.
still on the low... sherrif should call me in an hour or two. have a housesitter lined up.
saw the bishop in the grocery store, said I looked good. told him it was the decisions were kinda made up for me. I was fulfilling them.
still have the 'wish' and 'coulda', but I have to stop that. it's like when AP said.. what has he done for you.. yep, that's it. look what he did.
will be in Idaho Falls Wed and Thurs, no computer, so don't worry. I'll post when I get back.
wish me luck.
oh... aa... the 'rational part... he used to say to the children (jr high/high school): you dye, I cut; you peirce, I rip; you tattoo, I know how to skin. yes, really. for christmas, he got a rattlesnake tat from his shoulder to his elbow.
uh, yeah.
~jami~
nickclick
good luck (((jami))) and you go (((aunt a))) !!! yay positive posts today! you should both be so proud of your strength. it's frickin' amazing!

jami, please post when you can, because yes, we will worry! you seem to have great support from your sons.

aunt a, enjoy life on the high road. and don't look down!
caroline_no
yow, seems like everyone/ everything went ape shit last week! was there a full moon or was it friggin valentine's day? jami and aa- good luck ladies! i can sort of fathom what you are going through and it sucks. these lousy men leave a nasty film on us, they are just so "yuck". jami, in particular, your ex sounds violent. i hope you get far far away from him. i also hope you get the ranch and animals, too, and leave him high and dry- what a nut! just want to say that blocking my ex from email was the best thing i have done in awhile. i contacted my phone company about blocking his # from calling or texting but they say they don't do that right now. seems weird, i'll investigate further... i got a text from him on saturday and asked my sister to erase it before i read it. that was refereshing. i really don't want anything more to do with that creep.
MJCalloway
Hello Busties...

I've been a lurker on this site for some time and have gotten such amazing advice from you all. Thank you smile.gif I finally decided to register and post because - well there's no reason for me not to!

I'm in the process of trying to figure out how I can possibly break up with my boyfriend of 10 years. I've lived with him for a year but I'm realizing that this just isn't for me anymore. I don't feel like he's my lover or my boyfriend or the love of my life any longer. I feel like he's my roommate. It seems as though we've just become friends. I know it happens and he's mentioned in the past that he felt that way, but Im' not sure if he feels the same way still. He's not exactly the happiest guy in the world. Always depressed or upset about one thing or another. Feels the "whole world is against him". I'm the eternal optimist - always have been and I think finally after 10 years it's just gotten to me.

There's another thing - I've met someone else. Not on purpose - it was a total accident. He's wonderful and I'm falling for him hard. He's made me realize that there really are guys out there that treat you like a lady and a goddess. It's put things into perspective for me in regards to my current relationship. It's helped me realized that I don't want to spend the next 10 years in the position I've been in.

I know I have to do something soon - I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what I should do in regards to the apartment (we rent, but I LOVE the place and practically everything in there is mine from my old apt) - should I stay or move and let him stay. How do I approach him? 10 years is a long time and I'm scared shitless. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I will.

*sigh* sad.gif
nickclick
MJ, good to meet you! please also say hello in the newbies thread.

i've been hanging around this thread a bit lately so some may have heard my story already, but yours is so similar i'll share it again.

my ex and i were together almost 10 years and lived together for about 4 of those when i left him over a year ago, for several reasons, but the top one was that he was unhappy with his job, where we lived, and lots of other stuff, but never moved his ass to do anything about it or even try to get out of a possible depression. i'd encourage him to finish school, change jobs, find a hobby, but he'd always drag his heels. he also dragged 'em about getting married, having kids, or buying a house, things i was increasingly hoping for in my future that he didn't at all seem interested in planning. it was like he was along for the ride as i solved his life problems and he sat back and whined.

one night after a fight about these usual issues, that i sort of incited because i wanted to hear the same ol' response just once more, while he slept i wrote a long letter and when he went to work i packed my car and my mom's and left the letter. (i still feel like an asshole for ending a decade-long relationship like that, but i'd had enough of wall punching, furniture trashing and screaming matches, and this would surely induce all three.)

luckily i had a friend who agreed in advance to let me stay if/when i moved out, so i bought an air mattress and moved the rest of my stuff a couple of weeks later. yes, most of the furnishings we shared were mine, but the loss of a couple of appliances and bookshelves was worth what i was gaining.

i didn't have another guy waiting, but i was definitely looking forward to being single, dating and meeting other guys, a lifestyle i didn't have since i was under 21. this made me second guess my decision, because i wondered if i was leaving just so i could regain that lost youth or whatev.

MJ, maybe that's something you should really ask yourself - did you have these feelings about your relationship before you met the new guy, or is the idea of someone new, a new relationship, new sex, really the appeal? i'm making no judgement, just ensuring you're not leaving maybe an otherwise good but undeniably more boring and comfortable place for some excitement, something i'm sure all of us in LT relationships often miss.

but if you're sure you wanna leave, it's gonna hurt both of you, no doubt, and him more because it will hit him out of left field, although i'm where you've been thinking about it for a while. make a plan of how you're going to do it and where you're going to go after. you can always work out who's staying in the apt. later.

keep us posted (((MJ)))
MJCalloway
QUOTE(nickclick @ Feb 22 2007, 10:50 AM) *

MJ, maybe that's something you should really ask yourself - did you have these feelings about your relationship before you met the new guy, or is the idea of someone new, a new relationship, new sex, really the appeal? i'm making no judgement, just ensuring you're not leaving maybe an otherwise good but undeniably more boring and comfortable place for some excitement, something i'm sure all of us in LT relationships often miss.


Wow, your ex and my bf sound very, very similar. Thank you for telling me that nickclick!

This is something that's been ongoing in my life for many months - way before I met the new guy. He's even mentioned in the past that he though things were going stale - that he felt like we were just roommates. Granted things like that happen in LT relationships, I know. But I feel there's nothing. I mean I just came back from being away for 5 days and I didn't even get a hello kiss or a hug or anything. We sat on the couch, drank some beers and listened to music - then went out for a bite to eat. Do couples really do that? I mean am I missing something?

I'm fortunate enough to be very close with my mother. She's one of my best friends and I can share almost everything with her, but she's not one to pry into my private life. If I say something, then she'll give me her opinion but she never wants to intrude. I feel like I've given everything to him. I do everythin - I cook, (sometimes clean hehe), laundry - am always there for him if he needs me. I go to his shows or I go out with him when he has no one to hang with. I never get the same in return. He never goes out with me to see "my" friends (friends that aren't mutual I mean). I feel there's no equal giving. I give, he takes. She mentioned this to me and said it's obvious to everyone. It's not right. I've told him this in the past too and he's fixed it - for a while then gone back to his old ways.

I'm so stressed about this whole thing it's unbelievable.
aunt agonist
i miss him. i hate that i can't just hate him, but it's kind of a habit now to rationalize his weird and unacceptable behavior. he's just obviously so unhappy. it dosen't make it better- it just makes it sadder. theres a lot of stuff he did to piss me off today. i tried not to rise to much of it.. it's just...he felt like home to me. and now i don't know where home is. i know there is hope. but it's hard right now. it's hard that he didn't apologize, and dosen't care, and dosen't love me, and that he loves someone else and that i have to be so tough right now b/c he is taking advantage of any weakness. i'm so fucking tired of having to be strong. i'm just weary and sad. and i want to be able to cry and cry to someone who can comfort me. but he's gone now. and i have to learn to comfort myself. and it's hard because i never know if i'll feel like i'm home again. today was not a great day.
jami
AA... this is what my son told me....his lies are lies... no more torturing YOU. I don't even know you and I know you are a FANTASTIC WOMAN. you are strong. I am there with you.
got back from IdahoFalls around 3 hrs ago. my cousin is here, packing mom's stuff up. she'll move sat. that sucks.
great lawyer. it's his firm, he's young, focused, and all he does is divorce. think he's the one. did a retainer on him, and the better of the three lawyers in town, 'cause the local guy is who to use for the smaller court dates. better moneywise. and it also means hubby can't use him. hubby's family is 1/2 lawyers, powerful ones, so I have been stressing that he'll get one of them, NO has to be Idaho lawyer. <whew>
Monday is first time in court with hubby to extend restraining order. stressing on that. guess I stress over it all.
My son was much pissed when I told him that his dad left. I told him that the judge said he had to go and could not contact us. (I actually said OK for weekend visit, judge said no) and Eric was angry. very angry. he's calmer now. but I still have to tell him that it was ~ME~ who made his dad go away.
not too sure how that's gonna pan out.
will have to do it tonight, though.
any ideas?
anyway, doctor prescribed me diff heart meds, and some ambien to help me sleep. but I think it's gonna be better tonight. I really do. I was 143/90 before allen, 178/144 after. stroke range. not good.
he also is having me go to a regular physician. (my doctor is obgyn) and also gonna have me see a psyciatrist to help me thru stuff, too
one lady from the women's shelter asked me what I like to do, what's my passion... I said singing, and music. I was the best singer jr high and high school and was to go to statewide competiton, but the school didn't have the money. she asked if I sing now. shocked, I told her the truth.. I'm not allowed to listen to my music. isnt' that awful? I hadn't thought of it before.
grounds.... severe mental anguish and then maybe irrincolable (sp) differences.
off to be with son now.
email me, I'll check again
~jami~
nickclick
QUOTE(jami @ Feb 22 2007, 10:32 PM) *

My son was much pissed when I told him that his dad left. I told him that the judge said he had to go and could not contact us. (I actually said OK for weekend visit, judge said no) and Eric was angry. very angry. he's calmer now. but I still have to tell him that it was ~ME~ who made his dad go away.
not too sure how that's gonna pan out.
will have to do it tonight, though.
any ideas?

you sound much more focused and ready, i'm happy for that. about eric, although you probably already spoke to him, it was not YOU who made him leave, it was HIM and HIS behavior that you are reacting to and saving yourself from. he should be proud of you, as with all your sons. good luck on monday in court.

so what kind of music do you like? what song are you gonna first sing?

aunt a, how are you today, in the light of day? i felt the same way when my ex and i would fight; he would make me feel shitty but i was so used to him being my shoulder that i'd miss it. i know it's hard to think you're not alone but i'm sure you've got friends and your mom to call when you feel like this. also, you're not sure he doesn't love you and loves someone else. in fact, if he's going thru all this trouble to make you jealous and angry means he still needs you in some weird way. not that you want him back, but maybe in times when you're down you can take some comfort knowing he's not so happy with himself, and that you will be much sooner than he will.
LoveMyPugs
I'm not a poster of this room but I just read back some pages and wanted to say

((((((((((jami))))))))))

((((((((((aunt agonist))))))))))

My prayers are with you both and all others who are Mooooving on!!!!!
maddy29
wow, me too-hugs to you all who are going through this!

jami- your soon to be ex- sounds miserable! wow-you've put up with a lot-too much. keep calling your sons and listening to them. when you say you aren't allowed to listen to music-what does that mean? is it a religious thing or a rule your husband made? either way that's so sad-especially since you love music so much. you sound like you could use a wild night out at a karaoke bar-you can sing all those great women-power songs-"these boots are made for walking" and "i will survive." smile.gif

AA-no fault divorce-says the cheater! of course HE wants a no-fault divorce. screw that. don't do the crime if you won't do the time. good for you for standing up for yourself.

this is the kind of thing that makes me NOT want to get married, cause you just never know. we all change and grow so much (hopefully) and sometimes we change so much that this person we thought was perfect for us all of a sudden is so WRONG for us. it takes real courage to break up a relationship.


aunt agonist
aww maddy - don't let it put you off the big white dress. i'm in my friend's wedding in may and while ours turned to shit, they are wonderful together (her and her fiance) and like, a model for me of what a good relationship should be.

he's being worse. basically he said 1) that he wants to stay in the country (there is an affadavit of support that my mom signed to get him into the country- basically co-signing for his entry- it says that if he ever gets unemployment or any other public funds in the next 10 years- we would be responsible for it. at the time, he agreed that if things went sour- he would go home). 2) got pissy when i said ' no the hell you aren't. if you can get the affadavit nullified then great- i don't care if he stays here, moves to timbuktu, or fucks his new girlfriend on my front lawn- but my family will not be financially bound to him when he does it.

i hope he knows not to push me too much on this. i was even cool enough to say -it's not your, or me or anything but my family. i can't gamble with their livlihoods. if you want to stay and can get the affadavit nullified- grand! have a good time and good luck to you - but otherwise - i'm sorry, but there's nothing i'm willing to do to help you stay (with the affadavit in full effect)

he is also now saying that he wants to get the divorce in scotland (it's cheaper and simpler) but we would have to be seperated for a year. i don't wanna be married to him anymore!!!! and he said that he may contest now that he's found an easier option - which is fucked up. if he loves this other girl so much, why won't he just give me the divorce??
maddy29
god he sounds so selfish aa. nutso. your family went way outta their way to help him out. can you just go ahead and file and state he is an adulterer? i don't know anything about the legal stuff....

i'd like to see him TRY and push you! ha!!!!

ack, i definitely don't want the big white dress-hee hee, just thinking of me in a "wedding dress" makes me giggle and then want to puke a little smile.gif i just mean the legal aspects of it, i guess.

auralpoison
All ya'll hang in there! We've got your backs!

Jami, you may want to look into pro hac vice in Idaho. In some instances as long as a lawyer is in good standing in their state they can represent out of state as long as they obtain local counsel.
jami
tired. put in a full day. woke up to 18 inch snowdrifts. and it's snowing now... ate some chicken, but it went thru. I'm emailing and faxing to my lawyer. had to go to town to put in a signed complaint against the officer that let him walk out with armloads of shotguns, but only said that he took one. first court date is monday to get the restraining order continued for three months. have to remember this is about SAFETY, not the he said/she said. got the locks and deadbolts changed, too.
I did not talk to eric yet. chickened out. we were having such a good time. he watched basketball on tv (Never before!) and we ate dinner together at the table, and we watched tv and a movie (Beerfest) before hugs goodnight. such a great boy. have to get it thru to him someday that the way we were and the way we were treated is NOT OK. I came from a family that hit, so the verbal was I guess preferred. somewhere has to be where neither of those exist.
I like light music, broadway musicals, storytellers. LOVE Joshua Kadison. so when I was scared and alone trying to sleep last night, his words came to me... shimmer little one, you were born to shine... his words comfort me. when I say that I wasn't allowed... see, he used to listen to classic rock. I like that. but when we moved here, it became country. all country all the time. outlaw, bluegrass, redneck. (not even the good classic country) I mean, nothing else. and if I listened to RENT or Jim Brickman, it was 'turn off that crap'. it just was not allowed. his rules, he's right. tried a cd player with earphones once. got yelled at for two days.
AA... if there's an affadavit of support, can't paperwork be ammended? i mean, things change. and hang in there.
AP... (had to look up pro hac vice) already signed on my lawyer. and I did speak to the cousin, so he can't use him. thanks for the advice
~jami~
whitelightning
jami, i'm sorry to hear about all that. hang in there. it's tough when someone puts down the things you love.

i just moved out of my house - i'm staying with friends temporarily, but i have no long term plans, no steady job. just trying to get through this semester. my situation is described in "sigh...the depression thread", but basically, i had to leave sooner than i was financially ready to do so. we both came to the conclusion that i would be the one to go, even though he's the one with steady work. i can't explain it; i know it doesn't make much sense. he's tired of dealing with my depression and i haven't been able to get therapy/meds because i have no health insurance and no $. and the truth is it hasn't been working for either of us, lately.

i'm staying in my friends' garage right now, which is actually pretty sweet. it has a nice comfy couch with a loft and a futon. and a kitty named waffle.

i'm very sad and for the first time in my life, pretty fucking lonely.
jami
hey, whitelightning.... one moment, one step, one day at a time.
and you have waffle, now that does sound pretty sweet.
hugs to you
~jami~
whitelightning
thanks, jami. i now call this place "waffle house" (after the southern ihop-esque chain). maybe i can get an old waffle house sign off ebay.

one day at a time is all we can do, right?
jami
yup. one day at a time. sometimes it's hard enough to do that.
jami
ok, this sucks bigtime, but I don't know what I can do about it... lawyer said I can remove my personal stuff: clothes, books, stuff. so my cousin is loading up my mom to take her back to Ca. I have him go in the basement to get some boxes.... the gun safe is open and cleaned out. that's two of three gunsafes. and maybe #3 is empty, too, but the lock is on it. the sherrif said that he did not help ex to remove guns. mom saw two men, sherrif says he was the only sherrif. so I know the guns are gone and I know there were two men. how does this get worded to the judge? it's about safety, value of the guns, and truthfulness in a divorce. do I just now assume that there will be no honesty at all? what can the judge do? nothing? what is the penalty for violating a domestic violence restraining order?
aunt agonist
i haven't had time to post a lot- only 5 minutes now- but (((jami))) get the lawyers advice and ask the police if there is anything further to do to protect yourself. it's a hard and scary time right now- get yourself somewhere you feel safe and do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe right now.

sending super strong safety and healing vibes your way.
jami
AA... told the lawyer of this, but the first priority is to get the divorce papers FILED. he should be served monday, maybe while we're in court. I will ask the judge about our safety and the consequences of violating a restraining order.
whitelightning
jami, i wish i knew more about restraining orders, etc...how are you doing??

good luck tomorrow.
aunt agonist
ho.ly. shit

we e-mailed back and forth today and i'm not mad anymore. he apologized and explained and we agreed that we just bring out the worst in each other. he is in therapy and seems to be doing well which is great. we're still getting divorced, and we still won't be friends, but now it's for better reasons. it shouldn't be so happy, but i feel on top of the world now. we agreed to stop being hostile, and he agreed to stop putting big roadblocks in the way of teh divorce. i apologised for calling him unspeakably cruel things in my email to him, and i think we're both (seperately) gonna be ok.

jami- i hope things are going well on your side! good luck with your court today!
whitelightning
AA - glad to hear things are getting more manageable for you.

i keep going back to the house to pick up random stuff like gloves, medicine, hats, etc. stuff i don't really need but i wanted to see what was going on over there. he called me last night to tell me he's been thinking about me and that he "likes" me a lot. okaaay. i told him i loved him but that i've been pretty busy trying to find a place to stay, etc. he didn't seem to care. i went back today and he's been having a friend stay over so that he's not lonely. he offered me his 5-star chili and i refused. i do have a shred of dignity...

everytime i go back to get an item, i end up sobbing....but i can't seem to stop going back. it was my home, you know? i'm so angry that i don't want to speak to him but by the same token, i don't want to look like a damn fool to our friends, who are all well aware of our situation. i know - who cares what people think?

all i want is for him to acknowledge the fact that asking me to leave at a time like this (penniless, in school) is a bit cruel. i can accept time spent apart. but i want to accept it on my own terms. i'm having a hard time getting through the anger i feel towards his callousness. i called him last night but didn't leave a message. i wanted very badly to give him the "do you even know what you're doing to me?" speech. i shouldn't call him. it was late at night and i was feeling out of control.
nickclick
QUOTE(whitelightning @ Feb 26 2007, 11:09 AM) *

i called him last night but didn't leave a message. i wanted very badly to give him the "do you even know what you're doing to me?" speech. i shouldn't call him. it was late at night and i was feeling out of control.

good girl, you didn't leave a message! phone calls like that always leave me angry or upset, and never reveal that answer you're looking for. if he apologizes for his jerkiness that means he'll actually have to acknowledge it.

i'm sorry you miss your home and it's totally natural, especially since you've got such temporary housing now (despite the cutie waffle kittie of course). of course it will improve and you'll soon have your own home again. get everything out next time.

aunt a, great that you both have called a cease fire. shit gets done a lot better that way!

thinking of you, jami, hope today's going well.
whitelightning
GODDAMMIT!!!!!! i did it again. i went back to the house because i remembered a sticky note on the bedroom floor that i might need someday. i made a conscious decision to not go to my (ex)home and i failed. my ex was asleep in our bed and woke up when i walked in. he didn't say anything. our housemate's bf was really cold and weird to me. what do they know?! what the hell is he telling people??!! i'm so sad.

i need a restraining order against myself.

thanks, nickclick.

((everyone))
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