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aunt agonist
why is it still so HARD? i mean, i chatted with him online today and he just seemed so exasperated and didn't respond to an e-mail that i really legitimately need to know about. i think he's acting like i'm just trying to start 'chatting' again, but the only things we talked about where the outstanding balance that he left on the phone bill and how i was going to serve him with divorce papers. it shouldn't bother me b/c i don't want to be his pal either, but it still kills me that he dosen't want to be mine. that he is just apparently in love with some new girl and that i was so replacable for him that now he dosen't even want to know me. why does that still matter to me?? i'm still angry that he essentially lied to me to make sure he stayed comfortable for 2 years. why am I the one who's being avoided??? I just feel like i need something good right now. i'm trying really hard to stay positive but things keep on going wrong and i just don't know how much longer i can take these emotional blows. my wallet got stolen, they still haven't sent me new cards, i can't find my insurance card to make an appointment with a therapist, i still haven't found a job, i can't stop crying,the last 2 years of my life were based on a fucking lie and i still, still can't get the fuck over it. why????? he dosen't want me and i'm really disappointed in him so why can't i just let it go?? why am i worried that he thinks i am a pest or that i'm trying to initiate friendly contact or that i still love him. i'm tired of him having all the power in our relationship. it's just not fucking fair. i did everthing. i worked so hard. why?? why didn't it just work/ or why didn't he just fucking tell me. and i hate that he's 'working through it' with this disgusting horrible girl. seriously, she is an undercover bitch. what kind of girl does that? i don't care that it means she probably dosen't think much of herself. she is hurting other people and i hate her. and i hate that she's undoubtably telling him how he is so right, and i was so wrong, and that he shouldn't want to speak to me. i mean, it's in HER best interest to do so. jesus, i'm sorry guys. i promise i'll get a therapist soon and stop posting stream of consciousness rants but i just can't figure things out right now and i'm having a really hard time of it today. i'm sorry
jami
AA... he lies. his lies are lies. it hurts because you are a good and decent person and you were open and you DID NOT LIE. it's basic and it cuts you to the core. and for her... she does not matter. she's an EXCUSE. because he is a coward. the bad part... it is over. not your choice, perhaps, not as it shoulda been, but it is. now it is business. it's monetary. don't get sucked into he said she said. it's not the reason for communication. you want to discuss the phone bill - then that's what you discuss. you have to harden your heart. it's the only way to survive. you be strong for YOU. and we will be too
the insurance co can email you or fax you a card. talk to a supervisor. they can conference with the doctor to get you in.
~jami~
nickclick
yes aunt a, they're all lies! he knows he's being unfair, but he's got to think you the villian because then it absolves him of guilt. if he's nice or cooperative then he may feel bad. and he's got his enabler girlfriend reinforcing his shitty behavior. he's on a path to a much worse situation than he had with you, certainly. but again, that's his problem!!!! those are all factors out of your control so don't let them get the best of you. you need all your energy to get yourself back on track, and then you'll see that no matter what he pulls, you won't give one tiny shit about his tiny life.
jami
((he's got to think you the villian because then it absolves him of guilt.))
YES. that's it entirely.
You need to protect YOU. and you will.
aunt agonist
thaks guys. i'm sorry i've been such a mopebeast. it was just much worse than i thought it would be. but i slept in the evening and woke up in the morning today which is HUGE for me. so i'm getting there. slowly.
maddy29
the other thing aa, is you KNOW this new girlfriend is all "oh poor baby, your ex sounds so awful!!!" and shit like that....to reinforce that he is the victim and doesn't have to take any responsibility for himself.

and also, you are being so hard on yourself about "getting over it." it's been what, two weeks? maybe in a couple years you can be hard on yourself, but right now you are doing eXACTLY What you should be doing. you are right where you are supposed to be-in shock, crying, mad, feeling nuts, looking at the past differently, etc etc. trying to let all of this sink in. it's just going to take time, and i know that sucks, but don't expect yourself to be all perky andhappy like 2 weeks after your relationship ended so awfully!! you are doing great!!!!

and no apologies for what you post here!!! i won't allow it!!! that's what this thread is all about-so post post post.

jami
new girlfriend is all "oh poor baby, your ex sounds so awful!!!"

sounds like what they're saying to my husband. he's been brainwashed for all too long.
but... he is listening. that's the problem. I've sent people like that away.
why didn't he?

~jami~

AA... mope and rant and type furiously all you want.
nickclick
i guess it's easier to surround yourself with people who will accept your behavior rather improve yourself. we recognize and are better than that.

my ex is dating someone now who has pretty low self-esteem (we all knew each other before our breakup) and tolerates his anger. as a result, he's lost a few friendships that he was dangerously close to when we were together but i always wanted him to think twice about what he'd be losing before running at the mouth. so now he can be an asshole without anyone telling him what an asshole he's being. he scrapped everyone in his life that criticized him. they have this "it's me and you against the world" attitude that's so juvenile but whatev, that's his life he's shitting on! and thankfully not anywhere near mine anymore.

aunt a, ramble alls you want! but remember that you're moving on, so think to your future! and yes, take your time.

jami, how are you today?
aunt agonist
whoa. i told him i didn't think i wanted to be friends in the future. i basically said what i said here. that he was careless with my emotions and it hurt too much and i couldn't envision a time where i would be ok with it. and that right now, a friendship seemed like an awful lot of work for not very much return. and that his girlfriend probably dosen't like the thought of us being friends anyway (he still wants to try to stay in new york through other options to stay with her - i wished him luck). i told him i loved him and that i missed him but i had taken all the steps i could. and that we could be civil and even friendly, but i just didn't have anymore fight left in me. he seemed shocked when i first mentioned it. he asked for more information and i just went a little deeper into it. iwas really vulnerable and said some things that i felt needed to be said. i told him i wasn't an angel and that he wasn't a monster, and that i don't blame him for everything that went wrong, but that it's just too much. *sigh* i miss him already. like. really bad. but i think it was the right decision. maybe in a couple of years, if he ever forgives me and if i ever forgive him, i'll give him a call. i told him i was sorry for bringing up the friends thing so often and pooping out. it sucks and i feel like an asshole b/c i really pushed for the friends thing, but the more i found out, the harder it was for me to stomache the idea. i guess i am kind of a jerk for pushing for something i wasn't sure i wanted. but he has lots of friends and will be fine without me. he has his new girlfriend. and even if she's an enabler, it sounds like she must care for him a great deal. i really hope good things happen for him. *sigh* this is hard. i almost wanted to go and steal the e-mail back. but it's gone and after the divorce we are planning on having a clean break, but who knows? people make plans that don't work out all the time. so maybe one day we'll be the best of friends. i hope i didn't hurt his feelings too badly. i really tried not to. i made it mostly about how i was really hurt and how i knew he felt like he had to do it but it made me too sad to be near him. i hope he understands. it's freeing and terrifying all at the same time. i'll be way wobbly tomorrow once it sinks in.

Jami!!!! how are you??? is everything cool? you've been so supportive and i feel like we haven't had an update on your side of things for a while? are things going well?

nickclick- you are totally like the comforting momma bear of the group. you always make me feel better. i know it dosen't seem this way now, but i am generally very guarded and don't talk about my dirty laundry. you help me to not feel crazy and i owe you a great debt for that. my mental health thanks you!!

jami
Aunt A. you be strong for you. YOU. You are the important one.
Today was husband's appointed time to come over and pay bills. he didn't. so I called the lawyer. payments need to be made.. this IS a business. he told me to go and pay the bills. car, power, cable, insurance, medical. and I paid with money orders taken directly out of checking. not much left now.
as for me... I was shaking today. but not as bad as before, ya know?
but I ate dinner. I am eating. and sleeping better with him not here.
he got to my son though.... you know on the car key, that unlock thingie that you bleep to unlock the car? when I had to give him my car keys (he said the key I gave him was a fake), he demanded the unlock thingie. he stated to the sheriff that "this starts the car - you know this" wtf? it's not an automatic starter - it unlocks the car! now son says it starts the car. not true. and as for me sabotaging my own car... he insisted nothing was wrong with it and kept filling it with antifreeze when it was overheating (freeze plug blew out). so now the mechanics at the ford dealership say... both keys work. both keys have chips in them. no fake keys. car was run when it was hot, and there is a blown headgasket with antifreeze in the cyllinders. translation - the engine is blown. and HE did it, not me. bet that has him pissed, too.
still, not looking forward to Friday, when he comes next time.
~jami~
aunt agonist
jami- you are seriously an inspiration. you are dealing with everything with grace and strength and i while i hate that you and your family are having to go through it, it is amazing that your son is seeing how strong you are. eating and sleeping- look how far you've come!!! he is being totally crazy and unreasonable and constantly reminding you how much better off you are now. good luck with everything!
jami
Aunt A. thanks for the kind words. I wish it were OVER. isn't for awhile, I know. to think that he LIED for so long. amazing. I still think he's got, mentaly, a problem. and I know he's gonna blame it on me. don't want to think of the lies he's gonna come up with. one day at a time, right AA?
just wish i could get a heads up somewhere. hugs all around.... ~jami~
nickclick
thanks as well, aunt a! but you've got no dirty laundry, just concerns and stuff. these are all new feelings and certainly none of them are crazy! but yeah, i'm similar about my feelings, especially IRL, i'll be flippant and laugh about my problems with my friends before i cry in front of them. but that's not always good - how are they supposed to help if i'm not giving way to what might really be bothering me?

i don't think you need to decide RIGHT NOW if you and the ex will be friends in the future. RIGHT NOW he's your soon-to-be exhusband, and because of the way he's making you feel now, he's not being such a good friend. but maybe in the future, with time and introspection, it can happen. just wait and see. i know it feels like you can't live your life without him, but so much is going to happen and change.

my ex and i resolved to communicate only about superficial stuff, like movies and politics, or goings on with mutual friends or family members that we still care about. once he started telling me about his problems with his new gf, i went right back into critical ex-girlfriend mode, telling him of all the mistakes he's repeating, etc etc etc. i don't want his problems to be mine anymore! i don't care how he's screwing up his current relationship! i've got my own of each to care for, thankyouverymuch!

it's weird to think that with someone i shared so much at such a long and an important part of my life, someone who my life used to basically revolve around, is so little a part of it now (except when i come in here! ha ha). i always had that thought of 'how can i live without him' and i'm seeing that i am just fine, better in fact.

jami, you are amazing! yes, one day at a time, and remember that each day is a day closer to it being OVER !!!
jami
hi all. not doing too well. my dreams. I'm reliving it again. that day. the day he said he wanted a divorce. I find myself awake, staring at the wall, thoughts shouting. didn't know i was awake. heart pounding. shaking. I use the music in my mind to drown it out and to go to sleep again. only to find myself staring at the wall again.
he arrived this morning, took my saddle off the horse and put his saddle on it (how did my saddle get on the horse in the first place?) then he left. can't tell you how many times I asked to go for a ride. I was never important enough, other plans went first. we *never* went. our Sunday morning ride that we never had. And now we never will. my stomach is in knots. I can't keep anything down. tears. can't think straight.
it's like it's starting all over again. it hurts so much. ~jami~
aunt agonist
oh jami. i'm so sorry. it's like that once you get a second to breathe. you get a wave of sadness that just knocks you on your ass. this too shall pass. i wish i had advice for how to stop it, but i don't. it hurts and thats all there is to it. but just remember that it will pass. you've been moving so fast getting all your work done that you haven't had anytime to grieve, so of course it will feel like you are backsliding. you aren't. it's just that sometimes the sadness is too much for your head to hold and it hits you, like a punch in the gut. but it will get better. my suggestions for making it easier are 1) give into it for a little while. journal. take a long bath. cry as much as you need to for anhour. watch a weepy movie. purge it 2) after purging it for a bit (sometimes those tears just HAVE to come, girl) then get yourself busy again. work on the divorce or on cutting your hair or on making lists of what you want your new life to be. do things that you couldn't do with him. turn your music up REAL LOUD. dance naked when your kids aren't home. remember why its good not to have anyone tellling you what to do. remember that YOU can do whatever you want now. no waiting for a Sunday ride that someone else is too caught up to do for you.

i hope it gets better for you sweetie. it's tough, but you'll get through it.
jami
Aunt Agonist. thanks for the laugh... dance naked. ha. made me smile
he would not let me cut my hair. likes it long and straight (gee, girlfriend just had hers straightened). I cut four inches off. easier to curl now.
thanks for being there for me
~jami~
bad thing is... he was supposed to spend time with son today. it's 3pm, he's here, but no time for his son.
actually thought he'd not do this to his son.
aunt agonist
jami-- good for you!! the break up haircut is one of my favorite traditions ever. i really liked my hair so i kept it the way it was, but i did buy a new over priced handbag that i couldn't afford. whatever. i love it and it makes me feel pretty. i'll get a job once i'm back in NC

ok so.. here are some updates on my situation

i obviously obsessed over the whole 'lets not be freinds' email a lot. then he emailed me back saying he had hoped that things would have been different and that he was unreservedly sorry. i told him to call me and he did. we talked for like, 2 hours and went over some stuff. i made an ill advised joke about sex and how i bet he missed it (it sounds really pathetic out of context, but it was actually pretty light). he got all upset and said that he thought that 'was being disrespectful to someone'. i got really pissed and was basically like 'really. we're gonna do this now? really?' basically i told him that if he wanted to bring her up all the time so could i, but if he wanted to keep her out of it i would do the same. i said we could give being friends a try and we both agreed that we should give it a few months before contacting each other very much.

i've been doing really well although obviously the thought of the girl and her sex really irritated me and got under my skin more than i'd like. we had planned to meet in nyc on 3/22 or therabouts so i could serve him with papers (we were just gonna SAY that someone else had served him) and so he could give me his signed copies. we were running into time crunches and it seemed like the fastest least convaluted option. of course i also wanted to see him. cut to the next day and i am talking a good game but having panic attacks over this 'cup of coffee'. blech. also i'm worried b/c i find out more info on the whole 'serving' thing and it looks like it definately has to be a 3rd party who will sign a notarized form and submit their drivers liscense so we can prove he got served. i e-mailed him today giving him the heads up on the new information and of course he didn't reply. blech. i hate knowing that he's probably at her house. anyway, i had to make a decision soon b/c my only 2 options were to 1) go now. 2) go on 3/22 i chose go now b/c it means that it gives me a lot more time to get what i need to do done and i'm not working now anyway (boo!!! boo for not being able to find a decent job!!!!). so i'm going up to stay with my sister in CT for a week to prepare papers and stuff. i'll just take the train to nyc and drop them off at his office so he can choose a friend to officially serve him with them and get the affadavits signed. after that all i have to do is arrange a way for me to pick up the signed documents and then... off to the court house to get my case on the calendar. easy peasy cottage cheesey!! i am in DC for one day (my mom freelances and i caught a ride with her up to her hotel room where i am squatting for a night) and then on a chinatown bus to nyc. i'll spend a day with a pal there and then go up to CT for hanging out with my nephew and divorce boot camp (my sister is a lawyer. not a family court lawyer, but a lawyer none the less) and i will head back home to NC on 3/25.

so it all sounds like it's going according to the new and improved plan, right? so why is my stomach in a knot. i can't avoid new york forever. there are literally millions of people and the liklihood of my just running into him and his new gal are slim to none. and .. more importantly...i don't want to date him anymore. i don't even want to see him. so why do i still have a knot in my gut? i haven't eaten properly all day and all i can think about is ny. and seeing him. and his reaction (most likely, total indifference) and how i'm not dating anyone. the ridiculous thing is... i don't want to date anyone! i've been asked out 2 times already and said no, had one situation where this WAY cute guy was kinda... you know, chatting and stuff but with intent, and i dropped the D bomb to avoid any chance of a date. i just don't want to date right now. i don't think it's healthy and it wouldn't be fair to the other person. i think i am doing the right thing, so why do i feel like it makes me look pathetic that i'm not jumping into a relationship with 'long term potential' already?? why do i care that i'm chubby. i was chubby the whole time i dated him. it's not like one day he woke up and said ' oh my god! aunt a is FAT!!! and she has been for 6 years-- gross!!'. i am getting obsessed with this girl and i know it's unhealthy but i don't know how to stop. i feel like she must have been everything i lacked and for some reason the EX seems intent on saying little niggly things to encourage this belief.

part of me stil wants to see him and have him bowled over by my beauty and have him ask me back. i'm not sure if i would say yes or no. i would probably say no. but if persuaded i would eventually say yes. why? because i am a pathetic pushover who has no spine. blech! i am so disgusted with myself right now!!!!

the other part of me hopes that i see him and realize i'm looking at an ex. you know, like the way you look at someone who you broke up with 10 years ago. and then i wouldn't care if he wants me back or not.

as it is i am hoping that he is cordial and that's it. i plan on asking him to come and meet me with the photocopys of the documents for our records and the original signed and notarized affadavits for him and whatever 3rd party he has serve them and then saying 'thanks' and jumping into a taxi. i mean, obviously i'll want to look hot, but not to over the top hot.

i just feel like i have no power in this situation and everytime i think of things to do to take the power back i realize that they all still revolve arond him. i am like a fricking addict. why can't i just give it up. eurgh!!! do you remember in pretty in pink when ducky says to andie- 'I live to like you and... and I can't like you anymore."? it kinda feels like that. i always saw such good in him. and now i can't. he says he wants to be my friend and i told him i was willing to give it a try, and it's not something i have to face anymore, but... i think i might just have been too hurt. i mean, this is almost 2 months later and i am still being crazy. well enough of that. i will cry today. and i will probably cry after i see him (but NOT in front of him) but then that's that. no more crying. the divorce will be almost final. no more. just... i'll just be done. and no more thinking of him. i'll delete his email from my contacts (it's already hidden and his emails already bypass my inbox entirely and go into a folder called 'the ex is lame. you don't want him'). if he wants to call, he can call. but it will take a lot to earn my trust again, and i can't do the work anymore.

i'll still post here. like, all the damn time. but i think it's time to take my life back. misguided rebound relationship or no. silly little boys or no. and even if i never know why or how.... maybe i'll realize that it wasn't because i wasn't enough or b/c i was too much, but it was b/c HE wasn't enough. not enough man to work through it or talk it out or even just walk away with some honor.
LoveMyPugs
((((((((((happier day vibes to the moving on!!!!! busties))))))))))
nickclick
jami and aunt a, you both encourage each other so well and offer each other such good advice. do the same for yourselves!

aunt a, you suggest jami not fight crying and feeling hurt. i agree, but don't rush your recovery either! don't beat yourself up because it's been two months and you're still not over it. two months! it's nothing in comparison to the length of your relationship! just like you said, it's gonna hurt and for a little while, but you KNOW it won't be forever, and in the end it will all be for the best.

i'm not gonna tell you not to think about her at all, but here's some reasons why you're better than this girl he's dating - you have the self-worth not to be in a relationship with someone fresh on the heels of such a huge breakup, and you want a partner and not someone to babysit thru a divorce. she wants him; you want something better.

jami, did you take aunt a's suggestions? the music, the journal, the naked? hope the haircut felt good and i'm sure you look great.

the only light i can see about his jerky move with your son is that you can see he's being selfish to everyone, not just you, and see it as more a reason he no longer needs to be in your life.
jami
things were going ok tonight. thenI told son that I had wanted to get new tires for his vehicle, but now any expenditure has to go thru lawyers. he stopped me. "I know why I didn't get tires. dad told me. you said no."
WTF?????? I never did anything of the sort. I had even got prices back three months ago! EXtoB said it was too expensive.
have no idea what other blackness he is spreading
~jami~
nickclick
hey (((jami))), i don't know how old your sons are, nor do i have children of my own, so i can't speak from experience, but take each of his lies you hear one by one. all i can suggest is to counter attack with the truth and hope he'll catch on one day, even if not soon.

aunt a, where r u ?
aunt agonist
hey ladies

first of all - jamie nickclick is right on as always. my sister has a son and broke up with the dad when the son was very young. the dad is generally speaking a good dad to my nephew but a total shit to everyone else. my nephew is gradually catching on that his dad sometimes says or does things just to make his mom look bad. just take it one day at a time. maybe, once he is rational enough that you can speak to him (your ex, not your son- i'm sure he's already rational with such a cool mom!), you can talk about how you think that it is unhealthy for him to say/do things that might make your son feel conflicted. i hope it all works out!!!

I'm in nyc now for the day and i'll be heading up to CT tomorrow. i had nightmares all last night about going up and cried the whole bus ride here (quietly and i had sunglasses on. so i don't think anyone saw). but i was just remembering when we met (in nyc 6 years ago) and how we took the bus ride back to NC. i passed some of the things we passed and i just remembered how full of hope we both were. we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and it was just so tender and natural. i still have a hard time remembering that and looking at the reality now.

i was in the area of town that he works in today but sort of planned my day around avoiding the subway/commute walk near his work during the time that he usually gets off. i did't tell him i was in town b/c 1) it's not about him 2) we're not dating and i don't have to run my travel plans by him 3) i couldn't stand the indignity of him saying 'maybe we should avoid each other'

i still miss him a lot. i miss my friend, ya know? not necessarily my boyfriend. but the thing that still kills me is thinking of this new girl. i would get it if he needed time alone, but apparently he just needed to be away from ME. it just feels like he's running from himself and felt like the only way to do that was to distance himself from the people that knew him/loved him most. and then when he was alone he freaked out b/c he had to face himself so he found someone who gave him a reflection of himself that he liked. i just wish he realized that he can't run from himself and that pushing me away to do that was a mistake.

i'm in this weird state of hoping i'll see him by chance/ hoping i won't. the liklihood is that i won't. the only real danger was when i was hanging around town earlier - he dosen't live in the areas i frequent and a tuesday night would be a weird night for a date. it's funny b/c part of me still wants him back (lame. i know.) but not really. it's like i want him and for it to work. i don't want him if it wouldn't (which is the reality) and i don't want him if he dosen't want me (also the reality) but for some reason i still have this totally blind hope about it. and on the other side of things, i am infuriated by him. not only has he been a shitty ex-boyfriend (which i never thought he'd be. even if i thought we would break up, i never thought it would be like this), but he has been a shitty friend. i am overwhelmed by this divorce stuff and i am having to do it ALL by myself. like i called him last night to go over the affadavit of service thing to make sure he had someone to serve him and he was like 'um. i dunno. i didn't really check yet. i can e-mail you later though'. lo and behold- no email. and i told him that this was a time sensitive thing. also, he was all 'so, what do i have to do again? for the divorce? can you forward me to a website??" first of all- i sent him a website 3 days ago detailing the proces, 2nd of all- why do i have to do HIS part of it too???? aren't i doing enough all by myself?? I'm also pissed b/c nyc was MY dream and he apparently resented me for it but is still staying here. while i retreat home b/c i am too shit scared to be in the same city with him. b/c i do and don't want to see him and his new girlfriend all at the same time. because i know i would be unhealthy(er!) if i was here. b/c there are a million reasons that i should stay in north carolina and get school done first, but as i was walking around i realized how much i miss it. i miss my crappy job. i miss my friends. i miss saying hello to the empire state building everyday on the way to work. i miss walking my dog on concrete and seeing a million people everywhere. but the thing is... i don't know how i COULD come back now. and i don't know if it would be for the wrong reasons (i'm excellent at fooling myself) and i don't know if i would ever be able to get my shit together and go to school. and i don't know how i would explain it to my family.

to make matters yet more confusing, i keep on wanting to call him to let him know i'm in town, but i think that would be a bad move.

oh busties... tell me what to do!!!
nickclick
aunt a, i can think of one million things to do in NYC that'll keep you busy and forget that he even lives anywhere near the place! seriously, i hope you had fun last nite. don't worry about the schmuck. i hope you didn't call him.

i think the idea of running into him, seeing him with girlfriend, or even getting back together is fantasy, something to hold on to rather than this crappy reality right now. fantasize about the good reality of your future - finishing school, moving back to ny, meeting other men, starting a better relationship, etc.etc.etc....

i love this - "he had to face himself so he found someone who gave him a reflection of himself that he liked."
you should be proud that you didn't give in to such a thing. you're too smart.
jami
ugh. he came again, to examine records at the house, brought his lawyer.
I feel so sick whenever I'm exposed to him. I am exhausted.
made a good dinner for son and me. could not eat it all.
so much work to do. so tired.
this is gonna be a long time till I'm over him, isn't it? how'd he get over me so quick? how long has he been lying? why can't I just get over it.
~jami~
aunt agonist
jami= he's not over you. he hates himself right now. but he dosen't matter right now. don't let him take your happiness. this will be over soon. just get through it and make sure you take care of yourself.


it's funny, i feel sadder now but better. i made a conscious decision to think about what i did wrong in the relationship. i wasn't honest with him. i didn't let him know what were deal breakers for me b/c i was too scared of it being over. i made little issues big ones so that i could feel like i was getting somewhere without ever making any progress on my real issues. i think i was so scared of losing him that i let our relationship crumble. it wasn't all me, but it wasn't all him either. he knew how important my family was to me, but i think i didn't try hard enough to let my family know how important he was to me. i should have accepted him as part of my family instead of making him part of a whole new family that was just us. i was always terrified of kids. i had a really turbulent an abusive childhood and i felt like i needed to know that he wouldn't just leave. i was terrified that if it was just me and children then i would be abusive like my mom was. i knew/know that he will make a great dad someday, but what if i was an awful mother? i wanted kids, but not right now.

i let my fear get in the way. the whole relationship. i was too pushy - i knew that sometimes it was hard for him to get things across and i only pushed for answers when it suited me. i think there is very little chance for us, but i also think it is time for me to stop playing the victim. was he an asshole through this break up? yes. was i just as much to blame for the dissolving of our relationship--- yes. i was terrified to admit it. accepting blame for your actions is scary because it means that you have to face what you did and then you have to figure out how not to do it again, but there you have it.

i let my fear consume me and because of it, i lost the thing that was dearest to me. there are things i can learn from this now that i am taking resposability for my part. i DO want kids someday. i do make a good show of communicating well, but i don't always really listen. i listen enough to cover my bases later, but that isn't really listening. i needed him to NEED me. i needed to be his savior. but i should have just been his partner. i should have been honest even when it was scary. maybe we've lost each other forever, but i CAN learn from it and make sure to never make those mistakes again.
nickclick
yes jami, don't worry about being over him right now, just worry about moving past this as quickly and heath-ily as possible. and i'm sure his being a dick every time you see him is helping it along, anyways!

aunt a, you are brave to look at your part of the breakup, but maybe he didn't try hard enough to tell you what's wrong. and don't been too hard on yourself. i'm sure he has faults that you were are still are excusing.
jami
hey, Busties, I need some help. I need sayings. quotes. lyrics. mottos.
I'm not too strong right now. I'm believeing the lies again. I have too much to do and my emotions are getting in the way. I have 9 days to get ready for court. He wants me 'vacated' from our home. and I'm doing stupid things like stressing over what to wear. all I have is one pair of jeans that fit - and they're getting too big.
all I can hear in my head is from 'Rent' - no day but today, I'd die without you. I need to STOP this. but I'm just so sad right now. can't sleep, thinking of him, shaking.
so 'comon and kick me in the butt. I need to straighten out. help me
~jami~

AA... you sure did a lot of soul searching. seems like your mind is clearer, and you have more peace. I'm proud of you.
zoya
**de-lurks**

the thing I always think of when things are shit that is so so true is "the darkest hour is just before the dawn" it's always held true, especially when I was going through really shitty situations. You will rise like a phoenix, just keep your side of the street clean so you can be confident in yourself and everything else falls into place.

I ended an 8 year relationship a couple of years ago, and it was sheer hell to go through the end. (luckily no kids, though) it took so long for me to walk through, and i had a lot of help. But I can honestly say that I am in such a better place after walking through it. I really do love myself now after lots and lots of time, and the dawn really is bright after one of the darkest times ever in my life.

(((jami)))

**re-lurks**
nickclick
zoya, de-lurk more please! smile.gif you are living proof that it all works out for the best in the end, no matter how hopeless it all seems at the time.

jami, think 'me me me' or 'me, myself, and i' . okay, not so catchy, but just put yourself first. you're not going to be strong if you don't take care of yourself, nor will you be of help to your son. your first worries and thoughts should be of what you want and need, because you're making up for lost time! don't worry about him, about what he's doing or the lies he's spreading. he'll get tangled in that mess soon enough.

be selfish. be confident. remember how confident and strong you are here.
jami
ok... it was even worse today, but I'm better now... talked with my boys. I got my cell phone bill. Ex-to-B talked with girlfriend minutes before our candlelit valentines dinner. and two hours to her just days before. and he talked with a lawyer the week before. it was all planned. coldheartedly planned. I do not have hate for him. not yet. how dare he blame this all on me. it's like you said... to make him not the guilty one.
I did nothing to deserve any of this. I just have to think straight. it's hard. he's so underhanded and untrustworthy. I have to be careful.
~jami~
aunt agonist
jami- how ya holding up today? sorry that yesterday was so shit. you didn't do anything to deserve this. it's just happening and it's unfair and it's awful, but you will be better for it.

i kinda backslid today. i started thinking about how all my exes ended up with people signifigantly 'prettier' than me and really really feeling shitty about how i looked. i just can't shake the fear that i just wasn't good enough. for him, for anyone, for happiness. i know it's crazy and not true. but i still hope the feeling will pass b/c it's eating me alive.

we used to play this awful game when we were dating called the 'would you still date me if...' game. looking back it was obviously just a way to be reassured. it sort of morphed into 'would you date...' and would go on like would you date someone of another race? a cocaine user? i single mother? an overwieght person? i am signifigantly overweight and when i asked him that one he said 'no'. i got really upset about it and he said that he dated me 'despite' my size. i'm not saying that he had to only want to date chubby girls or anything, but it's tough to hear that someone had to 'look past' a part of you to be with you. and now that he's dating this new girl who is inevitably thinner than me, i can't help wondering if he felt like he was settling. if he was ever attracted to me. it's such a high school thing, it's like now he can hang out with the cool kids and the hot girls and all his friends are 'hip' and then once he had all that, he didn't need his fat girlfriend anymore. it just hurts a lot. i gotta get out of this. blech.
jami
AA... it's not only the outside. it's the inside, and you know that. I know that you're fantastic. and you know it too. sorry that you have the self doubt. .hard to get rid of that one. .it's hard when they settle for the bleach blond bimbos.
today was better. it's always better when I talk to my boys.
ex-2-b was a total ass to our son today. son was looking forward to seeing grandparents and tomorrow's corned beef dinner. ex says he has business, and won't be in town. this is his VISITATION DAY. just pisses me off. that, and he threatened to take son's dog to the pound, 'cause she was in his way. just like always... when he's done with it, he gets rid of it. he's shot a neighbor's dog before. it was barking too much.
son's upset, and ex feels just fine. like old times.
~jami~
jami
AuntA... how are ya? it's been quiet in here.
ex went to a larger city - overnight fri and sat. he hates hotels. I am still obsessing. like- is she with him?
it's killing me
~jami~
aunt agonist
hey jami. i get the obsessing. i've been doing it all day. like- is he with her tonight etc. boo for that. it's tough. i get it. i wish i could tell you how to stop. um. i got some anti-anxiety meds that kinda help but unfortunately that is my only suggestion right now.

i'm finishing up the paperwork today and tomorrow and hopefully will be able to file the first and second parts this coming week. unfortunately that means for the first time in 2 months i'll have to see him. blech. it's gonna tear me up inside but it has to be done. more news soon...
jami
AA.. yeah, the obsessing. lately, balancing the checkbook helps. he's spent most ALL of our money on the ranch. that gets the anger going. but remembering valentines day and 'too tired' at night... if ya know what I mean, I mean... was he trying to be 'true' to her??? shit like that is filtering in.
he says that the people he hates are people who lie and people who steal. he's both. he lied to me for so long. he stole my years of happiness.
oh, and for the meds... he's trying to prove me an unfit mother. I'm trying to go it alone. for now. can't give him ammunition. (but what do you reccomend) he's disgusting for doing this. he's still nowhere around.
~jami~
aunt agonist
yarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i am so fricking irritated right now. ex hasn't responded to my email to hammer out the last details of the divorce stuff so i can file. i called him and it went to vml, i left a polite message about how i was supposed to do this tomorrow, but i can wait ONE MORE day and still have it done in time and i really need him to contact me so we can work this last bit out. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he wanted this, so why isn't he putting any fucking work in?? i'm sure he's yucking it up spending his st. paddy's day weekend on the piss, but i'm busting my fricking balls to get this done and he can't even respond to an e-mail?? i don't care if he's busy fucking some other girl, he KNEW that i was trying to get this ready by this coming week and he still didn't reply. he is seriously a shit. i'll still claim to be friends, but this is seriously IT. ahhhhhhh... so ANGRY right now!!! and i did YOGA today. ugh. *cleasing breaths. cleansing breaths*
jami
AA... no lawyers? guess it's like they say... no such thing as amicable.
I wish i knew what to say...
hugs ~jami~
nickclick
hey girls, sorry you had such shitty weekends, and hope you're all feeling better today.
(((jami)))
(((aunt agonist)))

i know it's frustrating and i know it's hard to erase the exes from your minds, especially when the reminders creep right back in from all places - emails, cell phone bills, etc. you are superb at dealing with them one at a time, and that's all i can suggest to continue until there's no more annoying bits to deal with anymore.

aunt a, i hope you are far from that crappy place you were a few days ago, thinking he was 'settling' for you when you first started up. you're too smart to believe that. i don't think you would have been with such a shallow man.

it's good to learn, or at least allow ourselves to see, what kinds of things they're capable of, and should be glad they're getting the hell away from us. but i know it's easy to get sentimental, and it's easy to think they're happy without us. happy is not the same as stupid!
jami
found out his affair has been going on for months. months.
I'm just sick over this.
~jami~
whitelightning
((jami)) i'm so sorry...that really sucks to hear it. it's only further proof of what an ass this guy is (like you needed any more at this point...) but it still hurts to hear it. focus on yourself and in powering through this shitty ordeal. you'll make it. it won't hurt as bad down the road.
aunt agonist
(((jami))))
that seriously sucks hardcore. that guy is a fucking douche of the highest order. whitelightning is spot on in her advice. fuck him. he's clearly not man enough to be with a woman as fantastic as you.
jami
I have SO MUCH WORK to do for the lawyer... complete records for the past 3 years minimum. and what property sold - bought. he's telling people who have the info not to talk with me. it's so messed up.
emotionally - I am so tired. all I want to do is hide and sleep. but I do not have the time.
AA.... how are ya doin' girl? thinking of you. did you get it done? or did he evade again?
aunt agonist
he evaded. but i persisted and it is all going down tomorrow and the next day. i seriously feel like collapsing. it's like, have you ever gone for a run, and run your heart out and then, once you've gone as far as you can go, you realize that you have to go back. and you just don't know if you have the strength to do it but there isn't another option.

i feel like that. i took an anti anxiety pill which did nothing. my heart is still beating through my chest. i am still resisting the urge to snap at everyone (which is SOOOO not me. like, i've NEVER EVER been like that) and trying to gear myself up for tomorrow. ugh. this is fucking hard. it's like i'm having a panic attack that lasts ALL DAY. i'm so frustrated with him but also so terrified of seeing him. i'm hoping that facing my fears will make things better but i suspect that's not the case. and i hate having to be the nag to get this done. that isn't like me at all.
jami
AA... Um... 'nag'??? I don't flippin think so! his responsibility. his evading. his problem. and good for you.
sorry about the anxiety. I know what you're going thru. never knew it was like this.
nickclick
hi girls, do whatcha gotta do to get this all over with, whether it's nag, search for papers/records, cry, scream, ignore, be selfish.
aunt agonist
ugh. so i saw him for the first time to give him the papers. it was fine, for um, just about 6 blocks past his office. i saw him and was super organized and had notes and instructions on all of his papers. i asked if he had any questions and he said no. he said he would call me this eve to go over when to meet for me to pick them up. i was actually suprised by how ok it was. i mean, i didn't look at him very much at all, and i made sure it was really quick, but i was pretty good all things considered. anywho, i'm on my way to catch a cab b/c my feet hurt from standing around in court all day to get my index number and my phone rings. it was stuck at the bottom of my purse so it took a minute and i missed the call. it was him. he didn't leave a message so i called back and left a vml saying 'hey it's me. it looks like i missed your call. call back if you need something' he calls back like 5 minutes later.
me- 'hey. what's up? '
him- ' hey, *new girlfriends name*?
me- uhh...what?
him- oh shit. i meant to call my girlfriend earlier and i called you and then i meant to call you and i called *girlfriend's name*. shit. i did it again
me- whatever. what did you need? (said in a friendly voice. b/c i need him to not make trouble)
him- um. how do you notarize something? like do i need to go
me- *barely suppressed RAGE* well. it says how on the post it's on all of the documents i gave you and in the e-mails. but you go to a bank or somewhere with a notary and you show them ID and sign the papers in front of them
him-oh. um. ok
me- can you DO that?
him- yeah sure. i just wanted to double check

ARGH!!!! first of all- my name starts with the beginning of the alphabet and new girlfriend's name starts with the end half of the alphabet. they are hardly going to be right next to each other in his phone. secondly- he does know how to notarize things so that is total BS third- he should know my voice after 6 years. he has never (including 5 minutes before the call when i called him) had to ask who i was.

this was clearly just a thinly veiled dig and seriously, once i get his signed papers and i know he can't muck this up, i am telling him that i think he is an asshole. i mean, seriously, what THE FUCK???? he has been dragging his heels with this divorce, claiming to be my friend only when it suited him but then dodging my calls and e-mails and getting in little barbs whereever he can. that is not only shitty boyfriend type person behaviour, that is a shitty way to treat a friend. i'm so over this bullshit.
aunt agonist
so i saw him for waht i presume is the last time ever today. it was awful. he didn't even look at me. we were supposed to meet at a coffeshop to go over paperwork and he just was so indifferent the entire time. i asked him how he was doing and he did not ask me. this from the guy who wanted to be my friend,huh?? i wanted to go off on him, to hug him and to cry all at the same time. i wanted to scream "notice me!!!!". he left after about 3 minutes b/c he said he had a dr.s appt. (he did. he mentioned that earlier, but we had planned on being there for about 15 minutes). i had just hoped it would be like when you see an acquaintance you know you're not gonna call, but you still go through the pleasantries and hug and say 'we should do this again sometime'. when he left he looked at me for the first time right as he was leaving, and said 'well i should run' and i just stared at him. in my mind i was thinking 'are we really gonna do this? just ignore that fact that we knew each other and cared for each other? just not even try to be friendly at all?' but i just said 'oh. um, ok' and then he said 'this wasn't so bad huh? i mean, i could do this again' (but in a totally fake way. i think i made him feel guilty). and i don't know what came over me. i think i was just so hurt and sad that i didn't even look up. i just shook my head and said 'i don't think so'. and then he left. he said 'ok. well i gotta run' and seemed relieved and that was that. the last time we will ever see each other he acted like i didn't exist. god that was awful. just one more day of filing papers though and i am DONE. which also makes me wanna cry for some reason. ugh. so so so so so so hard.
jami
Aunt A. so sorry for you. your emotions are all messed up, I'm sure. the phone call, the meeting, the indifference. what a complete jerk. I cannot make you feel better, but I am here for you.
~jami~
whitelightning
aa, i'm sorry you had such a hard day. i had one too today and i'll pass along something a friend told me today: "you are at a beautiful time in your life. you have just been given the opportunity to get to know yourself - this is a *gift*. use it wisely." it almost made me cry when she said it.
nickclick
whitel, that's lovely, and ain't it the truth!!!!! amen and hell yeah.

aunt a, i see his 'indifference' as an act, much as you did when you didn't look up when he left. i'm sure he's hurting too but doesn't want it to show, that's why he 'had to run.' don't hurt yourself with thoughts about how he's indifferent and doesn't care that he may never see you again. in fact, don't think about whether or not you'll ever see him again, or if you'll be friends in the future. just let that happen or not happen. you have this gift that he's not in your life anymore, so soon you really won't care about what he thinks, if you'll ever see him again, what he's doing. i promise.

i saw an old friend monday nite that i recently reconnected with. she knew my ex and she met my bf. she told me monday how she didn't realize how much i used to not smile until recently seeing me smile so much. it's true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but it's also true that you don't know what you didn't have until you have it.
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