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aunt agonist
ugh that sucks jami. what a fucking child (your ex. not the actual child!). i just googled though and luckily they show heroes online, so if you have a decent connection then he can at least watch it that way (http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/heroes.shtml) good luck with everything! just keep on keepin' on! (and give us updates on the flirting!!)
nickclick
jami, so stupid that his childishness and temper tantrums are affecting your son. well, at the very least i'd think this won't help his case, this behavior obviously only intended to harass you and your son. hope your son gets to see his show.
jami
hi aunt agonist & nickckick... (and everyone else)
Yeah, I got it turned back on again. Lawyer is fighting to have the account into my name. (isn't that the stupidest thing?) I am SO glad that the power and internet are in my name. sheesh.
son is good. I told him ("and I am NOT accusing!") that his dad put his gf on the account, then she cancelled us. I told him while I had cable co. on the phone. see - he thinks when I tell him things that I'm accusing his dad, and I can see that, but what I am telling him is the truth.
so we had a talk about it all. told him that even though its hard and if he wants to know anything, just talk to me. I'll answer truthfully and as best I can. it was good. I told him that his dad is going to marry gf. he got totally pissed. does not like her. he's smart. he sees what's going on. we had a good talk. it's like I told him ...we're in this together...
so while ex-to-be tried to mess with us, actually son and I are closer.
~jami~
jami
um... had to post.
remember when I wasn't sure if it was flirting?
um.... got a date for Friday.
ohmygosh. how did this happen? me?
~jami~
nickclick
jami! good news about your date! tell us aaaaaaaaaaaallllllll about it on saturday. so what's he like?

also good news about the progress and talk with your son. yeah, he definitely sees what's going on. all you can do is be there for him, which you seem to be doing so well. at the very least, he sees that you are and your ex is not.
aunt agonist
jami - congratulations!!!! we can't wait to hear all the details!
jami
aunt agonist & nickckick... (and all)
we talked on the phone again tonight... for about an hour. it ended with him asking... so we're still going out tomorrow, right??? <g>
he's newer to the area than me, honest, outgoing, athletic, loves to fish. where he moved from, it sounds like he was the single guy... rollerblading, surfing, getting out. I love hearing about it all. We're already planning on taking a day to go to the lakes fishing. it's amazing.
~jami~
nickclick
jami, your good news made my week. i'm sure yours too! have fun tonite.
jami
hey all. so how did it go... um... before the date, I had begun to think he wanted to be friends, talking myself out of anything else. then we met and went out to dinner and went out to the bar to shoot darts and... I got home at 2am.
he just called. he's cooking dinner for us at his house tonight.
this is nice. better than nice. when we kiss it's that tingly feeling.
but I did have to slow him down... I just can't go that fast. People do that on the first date???? sheesh.
he is so upbeat and happy and smiling. he's like the fourth of july just an explosion of energy.
jami
so we went to his house for dinner, his mom made an elk roast in the crock pot (one I gave them) it was rather tender, and they raved on it. sat around the front porch awhile, talking, then he and I went bowling. he's not holding back, strikes first frame. I won a game, he won a game. went back to the house, watched some tv, necked out on the porch. it's like we've been doing this so long. I have to hold him back, though. I'm taking it slow, he's a bit <ahem> faster, let's say... <vbg> so much energy, this man. always smiling. always.
still can't believe how we click. planning on things like fishing trips, overnighters at the lake, what we're doing on the fourth of july (it's big stuff around here)
so... how is this going to work? scares me some. I'm still typing statements and planning testimony and strategy - and then there's new guy.
what say ye?
~jami~
jami
he called tonight, talked for an hour on the phone, making plans for the next few weekends. he's a worker - has two jobs, always busy. it's nice when he's still and quiet for us.
when I was getting ready for church this am, noticed three hickeys. egads!
nickclick
you go, hickey girl!

it's up to you how fast you wanna go. i agree you're probably best to take it slow, considering the emotional nonsense you've been put thru, and the length of time since you've dated, buuuttttt... have fun too. don't hold back too much and enjoy feeling those tingles again.

this is your time, do what feels good, do what you think is best for you.

aunt agonist
go on with your bad self jami!! don't be afraid to take it slow, but also - don't be afraid to have a little fun! nick click has great advice (as ever).

****RANT FULL OF RIGHTEOUS ANGER BELOW****
M is being an assface again. my parents contacted him b/c he had some misinformation about the affadavit of support. he is a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckface. EDIT _ I used to have the emails here in which he says that he is disgusted at my lack of respect for his generosity (?!?!?!) and vaguely threatens my mom with doing something shady with regards to the affadavit of support

ohhhhhhh. he's getting it. you fuck with me- fine. you're an asshole. you start using thinly veiled threats agains my mom - you are going the fuck down. me and my family are literally close with over 15 lawyers. and an INS officer. fucker. i hope he rots in hell. i don't have a shred of forgivness or goodwill towards him anymore. also - that last e-mail basically says to me "i got nothing so i'm gonna huff and puff a lot and be a douche and hope that works". whatevs. this will be over soon and he better hope to god that he get's a really amazing lawyer. *fume*

jami
aunt agonist... your mom sounds great! not giving into threats and sticking to your guns. LOVE IT.
as for me - you nabbed it with the 'bad' reference. it's kinda the inside joke that I am the good girl and he is the bad boy. with *that* voice, he tells me "come to the dark side". <shivers>
but seriously... dating nowadays - on the first date??? I never did that when I *was* dating. like I said - the good girl. I may have had the years' experience, but he has had more learning, so to speak, than me. and he wants to share.. btw... I did not mention that he's 10 years younger than me, did I?
I have a horrible deposition/statement to do. I have to do it, but I don't want to remember or re-live any of it. He tells me to have a glass of wine and do it - then it will be over! (always looking at the good, this one) and then we laugh 'cause I don't even drink! He says maybe this is a good time to start.
Gonna see him tonight. But I have to get some sleep. caught son's cold, drat it all. throat is swelling up.
what can I do for the throat besides hot chocolate????
hugs to all
~jami~

jami
finnished my statement to the courts.
ex-to-be is here with his girlfriend moving into my mom's place (mom moved back home when this all happened) he is not supposed to be here till tomorrow, of course. just harrassing me.
my guy said he'd come over after work and help me to move something from my home to the trailer. that way ex and gf will not come into my home.
hate to do this. they're all gonna meet.
aunt agonist
good for you jami!!! You are amazing! I wish I could handle things with half the strength and grace that you've shown.


*le sigh*
this happens everytime. EVERYTIME. he does somehting fucked up - i get full of RIGHTEOUS ANGER (say it like samuel l. jackson) and then i run out of fuel and think a lot about how much he hates me and what happened to make him hate me so much to act like this. and then i think that b/c i'm finally standing up for myself that i am somehow in the wrong. or like i'm being over the top in my reaction. and then i start to wonder if he's right (i KNOW he's not. but it's hard not to FEEL like i'm a bitch. b/c the person who i loved for 6 years is now saying that I am. and i used to believe hima bout everything!). this fucking sucks. i really don't know how much more i can take. and i feel fucking weak. i don't fucking fall apart. i just DON'T DO THAT and i'm doing my damndest not too ... but Fuck, man. everytime it's something new. when is this gonna be over? when will i stop caring? when will i stop caring what he thinks about me??
and wondering if i'm a bitch when i KNOW that i'm not?. i keep on trying to rationalize his behavior - like 'maybe he really DOES just totally love this girl and it was just coincidence that she can help him stay in the country. and maybe she's just 100% BETTER than me. in every way. maybe he met her and realized she was everything i wasn't. maybe i was an awful girlfriend and a shitty friend. and maybe i AM overreacting and that's why he's being so nasty. and maybe it really IS just coincidence that he stopped talking to me when i said no to helping him with the visa." on and on. in my head. over and over all the time.
i fucking hate this.
jami
AA... ok, I love you and all.... but you're getting me pissed
he is WRONG. she is NOT anything. she is a convenience to him... that's all. you know this. you are not the bitch, but even if you were - good for you. that's what they sometimes call women who are strong and stand up for themselves. somehow, you have to turn his voice off in your head. I used to use my music. now I use my guy's voice.
My fav song lately is Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again"
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you were doing
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

you are the best. don't listen to him. drown it out.
believe yourself. you know that you do.
~jami~
jami
son came home from school pissed
says - you know about dad getting married and all... don't want to get you upset, but. a friend told Eric that his dad had wedding photos taken last month.
I said, sweetie, don't think they'd be wedding photos. maybe engagement photos.
a professional photographer.
this jerk is amazing.
son is so upset, it's not funny
~jami~
nickclick
jami, sucks so bad what he is doing to your son, not thinking twice about how any of his asshat actions will affect him. you are doing such a great job being there for him. this is all temporary.

aunt a, yes to what jami said! i dunno when, but one day you really will stop caring what he thinks, i promise. because, like you know right now, he's thinking with his ego and his humility rather than his heart. it's all selfish. it's easier for him to blame you and call you names than to assume any fault of his own.

my ex did that all the time, like a frickin' alarm clock. when he was feeling regretful or guilty, his head would explode and he'd take it out on me or someone in his family or some random schmuck at a bar. so glad i'm not around that immature behavior anymore, and i'm glad you're not with someone who can't be a grown-up either.
Moonpieluv
Well.... my dears. I'm back again. Thanks for helpful advice about moving out of something that you clearly know is bad for you, right down to being downright disgusted about his behavior...

So the opening went relatively well... I was freaked out whilst waiting for his entrance and thought he may not come. But, he did and we went home together again. All sweet and what not.

blink.gif The kicker is that we went on vacation together for 5 days, so I suppose he was on his best behavior so as not to disrupt that convenience. Now that was a totally bizarre trip. What I realized was that all the pining and the missing him was a mixture of obsessing over the good years/the good things about him, the what-went-wrong's, the familiarity of him. as well as just blatant loneliness, horniness, the inability to accept. Accept that we broke up for many reasons.... he stole money from me (since paid back, but nonetheless only because he got caught), neglected me by focusing all/most of his attention on his music, refused to accept full responsiblity for his actions that were clearly hurtful, unhelpful, selfish, made me watch porn while having sex that I just wasn't into, super slobby and apathetic about it, and really handicapped in the department of dealing with shit that stunts him profusely. Takes me granted even to this day. I'm a crutch, a mommy figure, a convenience, a familiar face.... the one who knows the truth about him, and figures he can take out his frustration on me. And with him being back in town, I'm sure he wishes me to move for school. I have given him power by allowing him to make the calls/the status lately.... Ha! I shall grab Fate by the throat. I'm tired of feeling third-rate in his life.

We changed. I seek self-discovery/improvement, harmony, my education, a home of my own, a family one day. I involve myself in many activities: charitable/volunteer work, art, writing, ingestion of pop culture, current issues, politics, health, gardening, language studies... whatever a normal person does in a sense. We get involved. Embrace thy world and stuff. Give a shit. So I just couldn't take the one-sided, all he can discuss is music and how he relates to Daniel Johnston and crap and poop on common sense and taking care of yourself.... yada yada. Despite how terribly selfish he is, I do think he wishes happiness for me and realizes that he can't give it to me. Hell, he can't even take care of himself.... really. He owes me money from the vacation, too!! The bastard. He asked me one day if I thought he was a dirtbag? I think he knows the answer. The mom's says it's that I'm growing up and he's a coward. duh.

Sorry so long guys, but I think for the first time in a year.... it's actually sinking in good and strong that there's another life for me and he ain't it. I could do so much better. In the meantime, the single life. Solacing my solitude with watering the lavendar seeds. rolleyes.gif

I know Time heals. thanks to you all. and good luck. Flirt flirt flirt and you're right as rain, jami. AA-I know this movie was cheddar, but the Holiday when Kate Winslet finally lets go of that guy who is engaged to be married and still strings her along.... if you haven't seen it, do so.
jami
hey all. caught strep throat. contageous. and in pain. and new guy entered us in a dart tournament Friday. gotta be better by then!!! now I know he held back - the shark! that's why when he said 'winner gets a kiss' and suddenly did small groups - I knew I was had. (didn't mind too much, though) Never had that happen to me before. All of this is stuff that has never happened to me before.
Part of me is afraid he's working for ex's side - and will testify to my actions. hey, it could happen. Or his he to be truly trusted?
I have trusted before. and now I have people in church who will testify against me. it's insane.
how do i know?
~jami~
aunt agonist
jami - trust your gut. and don't be scared to go slow! it's normal to have trust issues right now - who wouldn't after what you've been through! just do what feels right. i'm sending strong vibes your way!

p.s- i hope you feel better. i'm so impressed by you. do you remember when you couldn't even eat?? you are a totally different person and a million times stronger now! good for you!
jami
hey all
guess I may need advice with this guy as well.
he called me, all excited, asked if I could get away and meet them all at the bar. sounded important, said sure.
it wasn't the friends that I thought it would be, it was people I didn't know. he was just this side of waisted. cellebrating getting his pilots licence. I had no idea. we danced, things were good. new friends told him to buy 'his woman' a drink. he said - "this is not my woman. this is my girl. she has my heart. I love her with all my heart and I think she knows it." ......ok.......
later on we're talking about him and he says that he's here, has a home (another state), has possessions that women want and now that he's new meat in town, they're after him. I remind him that I didn't know about any of that, he says that's another reason he loves me, I'm not gold digging. says he wants to meet a girl, a girl who's fun, spontaneous, will go with him in a moment, get married, settle down, have children. surprised, I ask how long he will be with me. he's surprised now, and says that *I am that girl*. ......ok.......
love? not yet on my side. I do feel the connection. I see how he looks at me.
he again tries for sex. tempting, god yes, but no. I will not loose my son. period. I will not be labeled adulteress.
he says: fine, I'm done, it's over, it's been great, goodbye.
um, excuse me? don't threaten me, I tell him, I told you that you would have to wait for me, you promised you understood, and I start to leave. he draws me back in again. he does the 'it's over' another time. I asked him if this worked with other girls. I'd told him straight on how it was going to be. when I left, he reminded me of dinner Friday.
so - talk to me
is it the alcohol?
horniness?
that worked for him in the past?

he wants to fly us to the coast for a week. he's a single guy. I have responsibilites. Love to go, but there's stuff going on. tell you what, though, I'm gonna get to see a copy of that licence, that's for sure.

**just called me, his head is hurtin! wanted to confirm dinner tonight. we are gonna have a talk, that's for sure**
~jami~

jami
hey all. nobody here? strange.
new guy and me are still together. to say he 'exaggerates' is to put it mildly.
he is nice to be around, and a welcome distraction, but I know it can't be a 'forever' thing. he's the partying type, and I'm game. but for some reason, I mellow him out, and he seems to really like that. we took a ride to the river, just watched it flow by at sunset. Not bad.
~jami~
nickclick
i'm here jami! sorry to not have been around sooner, but i see it's working out. despite his alcohol-fueled discussions, i don't think there's need to define this relationship yet. just have fun. you're in the midst of leaving a bad relationship, so while this may be good, don't make too many plans for the future, because this may just be "better" than what you had with ex and just being around him is better than dealing with the divorce crap all the time. i'm glad for you to have this now. but see how you feel about him when the divorce is over, when you're yourself again. you may even have time and space for more feelings for him!
jami
nickclick... thanks for the reply. you were spot on on all what you said. absolutely. he is fun, he is interested in me, he listens to me, he's a great kisser, we go out together to secluded spots and just talk. believe me, this is wonderful. and you're right. I am *not* making any long range plans.
but... I have been telling son that I am with friends. this is true. but lately it's been splitting off to new guy and myself. what if anything to I tell son? he is so betrayed by his father splitting us up by being with another woman. now mom's off with another guy?
~jami~
whitelightning
*relurks from under the rock*

hi jami - i think it's great that you're having fun with this guy and you seem to be realistic about it (no long range plans, etc.) i don't think you need to tell your son anything. while he certainly has a right to his feelings about whatever info he comes across regarding the divorce and stuff, he doesn't need to know who you're with at all times. you're not lying to him or withholding info - it's just that there are some things about divorce and the events after it that kids don't need to be involved in (even if it indirectly affects him, it will only put him through unnecessary emotional stress). i don't mean to be preachy here! it sounds like you always keep your son's best interests in mind and keep on doing that!
jami
whitelightning - thanks for the post! I understand what you're saying. it's just that I'm a truthful person and I'm not used to half truths or not saying anything at all. I have to learn this.

ex-to-be was just here. (the scared shaking has stopped. almost) he wants weapons out of the home, and even my antique vanity! he does not need this to start up 'his household'. they've been living together for over a month now! he does not need the alcohol - I have guests that come over. he does not need more firearms! believe me, he does not need more alcohol!
nickclick
i don't get why he's allowed to just take take take when the divorce isn't final yet????

in the end, even if you don't have every possession back, you'll have your freedom, your own life, and peace of mind. keep looking to that future!
jami
I know what you mean. it's a male dominated place here. very much so. perhaps included in his decision to move here. I am looking to the future. he's trying to cut major funds out of my half. my lawyer is working on that. found out last night that son gave him three boxes of ammunition. and he wants more. I told son that he cannot have items from the home. and absolutely no ammunition. (he only contacts son when he wants something) Now I don't feel safe when I *do* leave the house!
mornington
*sticks head in*

((((Jami)))) that's plain scary. and damnit, he's the asshole here, he should be leaving everything well alone. Especially your stuff.

on the what to tell your son, I'm coming from the pov of a kid with divorced parents (although nowhere near the shit ex-to-be has put you through). I was about fourteen when my mom started dating again. You're being upfront with your son, and if he understands what your ex is putting you through, he will probably see that you deserve a little, well, fun with friends. Has he met this guy? tbh, I don't recommend it if he hasn't - it will further cement the idea that you're not going anywhere serious. My mum always made it really, perfectly clear that we (my brother and myself) came first over her friendships/dates; I'd be really obvious about spending lots of time with just the two of you - which you're probably already doing by the bucketload! He sounds like a good lad, and it's natural for him to feel betrayed by his father (I know I did). Although, what I also respected about my mum was when one of us turned round and said "are you dating X" she told us upfront that yes, she was, but she wasn't making any plans and was just enjoying the company of a new friend more than anything. We respected her honesty, because our dad was a lying, cowardly scumbucket when it came to his now-wife.
jami
hey all. feeling alone - and I have to stop it, dammit! new guy and I are prob no more. he asked what should he do, and I helped him see that the new job that was being offered was too good to pass up. so now he's working out of town for at least a week, and then intense training for like three months. he still called me last night, that was nice. but our dates and weekend plans are shot.
I was going to have weekend company from back home. everything was planned. the husband just told wife to cancell. I am sure my ex-to-be had something to do with it. just another of his harrassment to me.
so I need a target. something to aim for. to achieve. a goal.
send ideas to me busties!
whitelightning
jami - maybe it's better that the new guy will be out of town for awhile because it sounds like space can only help you now. it sucks to feel alone though, so i understand why you're bummed.

can you plan something with your son for the weekend?
nickclick
totally. time with your son. who can you go to visit? to get out of town for a bit too? getting away from home always helps me put my problems on hold.
jami
I live two hours from the nearest 'big' town. there are no relatives for three states. he brought me here to isolate us, remember? Getting out requires $$ and court gives us little to live on. ex-to-be cleared out the cash from the home when he left.
Ex-to-be said he wants to move in nextdoor this weekend, a great time for son and I to get out, but I am afraid of what ex might to do my home. anything's possible when you look at his track record.
Maybe we'll just get out and see the Spidey movie and have dinner. if he'll go. he's at the 'don't want to go with my mom' phase. but I know he does not want to be here, either....
whitelightning
can you and your son go camping/hiking?
jami
too cold. just snowed two days ago, still some on the ground.
he's with his buddies right now. that's good for him.
I'll just have to be with me for awhile.
jami
hey all. at the library using the computer right now... we're gonna go into town and see the spidey movie today.
strange thing happened... son asked me to ask my lawyer to ask ex's lawyer to ask ex something. he really does not want to talk to his dad.
anyway, it's the two of us. and we're good.
lawyer is telling me to look at the big picture - more settlement at the end of it all.
it does get difficult.
nightmares all night long.
jami
hey all. just an update. ex-to-be has been here moving in for past 4 days. girlfriend has been staying with him for at least two nights. court opinion was this was NOT to happen. he just does not get it. son is so upset. he does not even want to go outside for fear his dad might try to talk to him.
hey, me too. ex locked up all our posessions into buildings. I can't take a jeep ride or go horseback riding - the jeep and tack are locked up. court says it's my ranch, too I am to have access to everything.
so - deep breath - I go to the trailer to talk to him. he looks like he could kill me standing there. he comes to the slider door and opens it - I hear clinking in the corner... oh, hi jen, didn't know you were here... (I turn by back to her) I ask him to look at the mower before son has to mow the lawn, (he agrees) I ask him if he's seen the weedeaters, there were three,(says he hasn't seen any) I ask him for the keys (keys?), yes, keys to the ranch - everything seems to be locked up (and he agrees!)
whoa. and I go home.
funny thing is... I feel so much relieved. to just ignore the g/f, to see him like that - cutoff pants at the knee, t-shirt with ripped off sleeves to show off the tat - he looked just awful!
felling better today.
~jami~
oh, and when I was on my way to the trailer, I had this senario in my mind - wouldn't it be great if I'm talking to ex and my cell goes off and it's new guy? (oh, hold on, it's my boyfriend) smile.gif as I was walking over, he DID call! HA. too funny. he's still working 6 hours away, but kinda nice that he called. definately feels different than those first two days. <sigh>
jami
I'm the only one here??? I again asked for the keys - he wants to bargain - he wants weapons out of the home. Told him - "I'll see you in court" and I walked away. yesterday he wore a Kimber (handgun) while mowing the lawn. I know it's a way of scaring son and me. son won't even go outside now. way to go, dad.
nickclick
hey jami, i'm here! i don't think you should have to bargain to get the keys, if it's court-ordered that he can't lock shit up. call the police!
jami
it's court ordered that I am to have full access of MY property. but so is the 'strong suggestion' of him NOT having g/f over for sleepovers. ( court psychologist said that) he does what he wants. lawyer is out till tomorrow. I am really wanting the 'contempt of court' order. lawyer says judges do not like to get those. no shit! I don't like what he's doing to me! next trial date is 6/6. I have called the police, when he threatened me. sheriff said unless there was violence against me (blood) they were not coming out. that's the way it is out here.
nickclick
ugh, that's crazy!!!! what on earth else could the cops there where you live be doing?!?!??? so the threat of violence toward a woman and child is not enough to get them to put down their donuts?!?!????? i hear ya though, about the boy's club that's going on. that shit happens just as much here on the east coast and in big cities, but more eyes are watching them.

selfish men. i'm not in the mood today.
jami
the sheriff is an hour away. they are rarely out here.
ex once told me he liked it here: if I was to scream, nobody would hear me.
all I can do is keep a journal, which I do. both written in pen, and an online journal that only I have the password to. if anything were to happen, it is court recorded of my protection order against him, so he'd be the first one to look at. that, and i have my journal documenting what's been going on. and I take a lot of photos. reminds me that I need to upload some more.
just in case.
and I have my Bustie friends. I am sure that if I suddenly dissapeared, you'd go looking for me.
I used to take photos of the nature around here, the flowers, trees, clouds, wild animals. now I take photos of him stealing from my home and his girlfriend using my ranch as hers.
and there are months left to go.
nickclick
those all seem like smart precautions. but please keep taking pictures of nature and such. don't forget that's still around you!
jami
did you see the photo I uploaded under my name? that's the full moon from yesterday.
jami
it's sunday. went to church, talked with bishop for about two hours afterwards. court will let me know wednesday if son and I can travel to Ca to see my mom and sons. ex-to-be is trying to block our going. and not letting us have funds for the trip. he had his g/f stay the night last night. son still will not go outdoors for fear of seeing his father. ex does not get it. how can he do all this conditional love and attention - and expect full physical custody of son? so psychologically damaging now as it is. All I can do is be here for my son.
glassk
hey jami
just wanted to say i'm listening. keep being strong for yourself and your son.
nickclick
QUOTE(jami @ Jun 3 2007, 07:04 PM) *
All I can do is be here for my son.

and what a fine job you're doing!!!!!
jami
thanks all. that means the world to me.
when my friend from back home stopped calling me (about 3-4 weeks - he was travelling for his job) it hurt me incredibly. I mean, he did tell me that he felt wrong about the sex talk and that we should stop, but then he stopped calling me all together. I felt like I had lost my best friend. had to harden my heart against someone who said he'd be there for me. then he called me a few days ago. it started slow, I did not want to trust. he told me - I just got home. I haven't even gone home to unpack or shower to go out to the next job. ~and just who am I calling here?~ ok. he couldn't call me on the road as he had his boss' phone - his was run over. now he can call me on his phone 'cause he accesses hs voice mail and will call from there. ok, it's believeable. (our first fight) he said he was sorry for having made me feel so bad. I'm glad he understood.
he wants our relationship to be quiet. I have only told bits and pieces here.
I have told you Busties things, but I have told him more. I knew him before all this. casual: the saying hi, how are ya as you pass along the street -knowing. we're different now. we have told each other things... when I told him about 'new guy' it really sounded like he was jealous. major. and then he'd continue with... but you wanted to fuck him, I know you did, did you touch him, did you suck him... wanting me to keep going. he wanted details. and I told him everything. I don't lie to him. major upset when he thought I was seeing new guy when I was talking to him. shouting at me. no, I said, I met him after you stopped calling me! he got quiet and actually apologized for not calling. I told him that new guy is over: he didn't get the piece of ass, and he hasn't come back. he was, however, a welcome distracton. kinda nice to know that someone wanted me. ...don't sell yourself short, he says, you're worth much more than that...
I dunno what I'm asking here. I know the sex talk is theraputic for me. I was used and abused. Things happen to me against my will. I was in a very controling relationship. Took me forever to see this. For him, I'm telling him things that he fantasies about. things I have done, that he has not. and he likes it. imaging it and wanting it. truthful talk from a woman. I'm giving him advise, he's talking me thru my days. He does not now about safe words or DP. tells me the male fantasy is two women to one man. but asked me if ex had brought *him* home, would I have with the two of them. what guy would input himself into this kind of conversation?
and still near every call turns to sex. what did you do? did you want to? why didn't you? what would you would have done? and my personal favorite: what I would do to you. (him to me)
I'm confused. just talk? wishful thinking? hopeful thinking? wanting? on my side or his? both? am I setting myself for a fall?
Yes, I have considered that he is working for the other side. I have told him that I am subpoening ex's phone records so I can see who he's calling. it did not phase him at all. (we were talking about 'new guy' at the time - he does not trust n/g - and he thinks n/g will be back for me)
please post. ~jami~
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