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formerlycl
you offended me, I came here for support not patronizing obvious value judgements, I'll look elsewhere for support.I could go on and on about insulting that comment was but uh...well having a 9 month baby inside me no money and having packed an entire apartment by myself.I don't have much energy left.
katiebelle2882
it wasn't that offensive. sometimes, you just need to hear it, even if the truth sucks. fact, i rather hear that then someone looking through rose colored glasses for me
greenbean
katie, I could use your tough love! Its been exactly one month past my break-up, and I'm starting to feel restless. I am not interested in getting back with my ex, but I am starting to long for a rebound. My girlfriends are all "its too early! Just spend time by yourself!" but I'm wearing out my vibrator and am longing for the weight of a man. Although, things always seem to be complicated with rebounding, with one of us wanting more. Do I need to wait longer?
autumn24
You know, I think we all have to take everyone else's opinions on here as just that... opinions. BUT, there is a measure of sensitivity on this particular thread that HAS to be honored because in the case of broken hearts or mending relationships, there are some people who are really hurting, here. I'm not going to point fingers. I know that some people on here give some 'tough' advice, and I appreciate their perspective, but it is also important we do not value judge on here.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be sleeping with my ex in order to properly "move on." However, it has only been two months... I'm doing the best I can. I vascillate between really missing my ex and being confused, to being absolutely clear-headed and realizing that yes, this is a person I'm probably not meant to be with. It's just hard when two people are still attracted to one another and care for one another (and have urges) to not indulge in some comfort-based, passion based stuff. Yes, I know what's probably best is to NOT sleep with my ex and to not see him as much, and to get on with things. But I assure you all, I have friends, I have a life, I have hobbies and aspirations, my life does not and has never revolved around my ex.

And formerlycyl is doing the best she can in her situation, and she is coming here to vent. Yes, we can tell her all she wants that "she should focus on the baby, and not on a man," and she IS doing just that. She just comes here to get out the darker parts of this situation in dealing with her baby's father that she no longer feels comfortable with talking about with other people in her life. Formerlycyl, PLEASE don't go away.
katiebelle2882
Greenbean, you kind of answered what I was going to ask you, I mean, what is rebound to you? Or better yet, what do you want from a rebound relationship? Just physical satisfaction, or emotional as well? Unless you are over your ex, I would say that it is definitly too soon to get into another emotional relationship. However, if you are comfortable with having a no strings attached sexual relationship, then by all means do it. I just would say make sure you pick someone who you would never, ever date. because yes you are right, many times, someone always wants more, but i have to say i have had a few "hookup only" relationships with guy friends that have worked out just fine from both ends.

greenbean, its a hard one bc i dont know what you are thinking, and its a very case by case issue. you know, in alot of ways, whether you are over him or not, it might be a good idea to just stay single for a bit, bc really a month isnt that long. alot of the time, its when you are least expecting someone awesome to come into your life that it happens.
formerlycl
thanks autumn24, I appreciate your comment, there are better places to go then here for support.Like in RL one gets to chose whom they interact with. I do not like the kind of comments I have received; as if I haven't focused on my baby?

That's what they say to me in my women's groups, babies groups, therapists office ; oh boy," all you think about is men."You have done nothing to help your baby, you should become perfect the moment you get pregnant!!!!!flawless. It must be nice to have it all figured out, yeah I was like that too under 25.

I've met some wonderful people through bust, but it seems to be going downhill, in my opinion.I don't have the time for this, pulling rank and insulting someone over the Internet is just pathetic.This is a simple thread for support.Goodbye.I was merely venting but no longer feel safe here.
caroline_no
formerlycl, i'm sorry. you didn't ask for anyone's opinion, you were expressing some thoughts that perhaps don't warrent anything other than an ear. i can't imagine what it's like to be in your position so i should just zip it. i hope you don't really feel "unsafe" here. i'm def not "pulling rank" (got none to pull) and obviously am here cause i got things to work out, too, so..
katiebelle2882
i think you are overreacting. whatever. that being said, i dont think you are focused too much on men. thats what this thread is about. frankly, if all you talked about was your baby, i think that would be a little weird given the name "moooving on".

also, how are you supposed to focus on your baby? it hasnt even come out of you yet. I think by trying to figure out within yourself your feelings about your babies father is pretty damn important to the baby AND you, for now, and for later purposes.

i really dont think she was insulting at all, perhaps she didnt think much about what she said before posting (hasnt this happened to all of us?) and apologized right away (before you could even respond). now you are pulling rank and being ridiuclous, and it shouldnt be about that here. take a chill pill and come back. we all liked what you had to say.
greenbean
err, sorry I kinda burst in without reading all the posts. I guess I'm actually eager to "move on" and wanted to get some advice,...but after reading a lot of the posts I'm realizing that maybe this is more of a comforting/sensitive thread for people suffering from a break-up (?) I'm new to the "Mating Game" section of the Lounge and I suppose there is a different etiquitte (?) Should I post on a different thread instead? (thanks katie, I think I need to grit my teeth and wait a bit!)
katiebelle2882
hey greenbean, you can stay here, its become apparent that you just have to explicitly ask for advice. also, depending on what your issue is, there might be a specific thread for that. if it is about an ex, then yeah stay here why not?
greenbean
Well, maybe there should be two threads, like a "Heartbroken" thread and a "I'm free! Whats next?" thread, cuz frankly, after reading the other posts I feel kinda guilty for not being sad.
autumn24
There is, and it's called "Taking Up The Whole Bed," or something. There's also lots of threads about being single and being frustrated over what next... read the thread titles. Yes, most of us here are trying to get over exes, and are heartbroken, but are "moving on."
greenbean
ooops, sorry for not looking down the thread line long enough, this title just popped out at me :-)
Good luck everyone and always remember the reason behind the break-up!
formerlycl
apologies accepted I misuderstood I suppose-thanks caroline_no.

With regards to the baby I'm actually feeling pretty good about things tonight.I give birth in a matter of 2 weeks so after moving, belly casts and all sorts of other things, I'll definately not have time to think about him.

greenbean-I think it's great not to be sad and that's the process of moving on.It's up and down and often former heartbrokens come back to share their stories after they have moved on.

Sorry I again, I think I just got a bit triggered, I apologize the last thing I wanted was to offend anyone.

Note that I may feel like a wreck one day and o.k. the next.
girlygirlgag
CL, I think it is okay to focus on this man, he is the baby's father and no matter what he is a part of your life. To expect a woman to be PERFECT during pregancy, especially your first one, IS RI-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS! Shame on anyone who made you feel that way.

That being said, you have a typhoon of hormones going on inside you, you have never had a baby before, so it is not like an old hat, and figuring out how you and the dad are going to be together does take alot of precedence since, well, he is the daddy!

Hang tough, sister sledge!
katiebelle2882
former, all i know is that i am excited to hear about the birth when it finally happens and all the details...names, what it felt like etc etc. so whenever it happens, make sure and come back when you are feeling up to it and let us know how it went!
sunshine
Congrats Formerly! Let us know when the most beautiful one arrives.
formerlycl
It will be here in a week and it's getting easier and easier to forget him.It's biology, I move out tommorow, I'm so excited.He really has used this vulnerability to his advantage which makes him hard to like.Thanks for the support GGG.
demoness
CL, i grew up without a dad and i turned out just fine. My mom, on the contrary, was gods gift to me. All i can say is that i know that deep down you'll be a wonderful mother. You'll get through this. Trust me, i know you will.
So hang in there, sista. :-)
jazmyn13
hey all, ex-bf update...

He called last week to "congratulate" me when he found out i was moving out of town. He said "i guess this is really it, we're never going to see each other again" and "were you even going to call me to say goodbye" and other shit like that. Gah. the whole conversation made me realize how manipulative he was. Then he tried to blame me for the end of the relationship and when i was fair and even tempered and calm, picked a fight over a "missing" camcorder that I returned to him before we broke up. We ended up viciously fighting. It was completely a non sequiter and he totally did it because I was making too much sense and he wasn't getting a rise out of me. idiot. i ended the call because it was going in circles and it wasn't worth staying on. but damn, why did he have to go and do that??? i was being perfectly nice and friendly. He just doesn't understand I don't want to be friends right now. He was hurt I didn't invite him to my bbq two weeks ago!

I am honestly surprised at how far i've moved on in one month. I felt so strongly for him and was so caught up in the drama of our relationship for so long, that it is strange to feel so...completely fine. I've got so muhc more to think about than what he's doing or saying or thinking. and that's a real relief. Even my libido has simmered down! which is great because normally i'd feel like i was climbing the walls after a couple of weeks.

the only bad thing is that it makes me wonder how true my feelings really were while we were together. Now, from the outside, I almost can't imagine why I wanted to marry this person and spend my life with him. I have so much to do yet in my life..."oh the places you'll go" and all that. A month and a half ago, I was breaking apart because i was losing him! Was I decieving myself??? were my emotions real? I know i'm not ready to really get into any sort of serious relationship with someone else, but i've already got a fairly serious flirtation with a guy and have actually been on a couple of dates with him. I just have so much fun with this new guy, it's all shiny and relaxed and new. He's sweet and nice and cute and successful and funny!

was I lying to my ex about my emotions? I don't think that i was, i can remember that deep deep tenderness and happiness I felt at spending time with him and doing little couple things, but it's at a remove, it doesn't feel immediate anymore. Thinking of him is only occasionally painful and for the first time, I really and truly hope that he is happy in his life, whatever he does and whoever he is with.

am i moved on? i don't know yet...

autumn24
Formerlycyl: have you had your baby yet?

Update: my ex wants to "work things out..." I guess it's in discussion, but.... I'm doubtful.
_octinoxate
Hi all. I thought I'd come introduce myself as it seems like I might be frequenting this thread in the near future. My guy and I (off and on for four years... on for five months now) are having problems, worse than we've ever had before, and might not be able to fix things. I think we're both trying to decide if it's worth it to struggle through it, and if so, how to go about it. On the one hand it might be better for both of us to end this, at least for now. But on the other, good lord, I am so afraid to lose him forever and how much that would ache. I'm afraid of regret. And damn, he's such a genuinely good person I couldn't even take the (perhaps easier) path of just being angry. In fact, if anyone's to blame for the state of things (a big "if"), it would have to be me. Ouch. I'm trying to convince myself that if we're really right for each other, we'll find each other again someday.

I'm also trying to figure out if I need to start thinking about "moooooving on" yet. Parts of me want to cherish and highlight all the good things about him to inspire me to work through this, and other parts of me want to focus on anything negative I can grasp so that it'll be easier to move on if he wants to end this/it has to end. I hate this limbo.
mel
I'm probably one of the few people who dreads long weekends. And this one is particularly heinous because it marks a year since the events that started the break-up.

For months I've been more relieved than sad, at least having this awful task of leaving him behind me. But I'm grieving a bit today. I know him so well and he was so predictable I can practically outline what he'll be doing on an hourly basis this weekend. The only difference is this year he's doing it with someone else. One might argue that predictability is boring, but I've had a pretty chaotic life so there was some comfort in it for me.

Way back in March, girlygirlgag said something that really stuck with me--that you can't put a time limit on heartbreak but you have to put a time limit on actions. A light went on in my head and as simple as that, I knew I had to close the book on that relationship forever. Today is my day to indulge my feelings a little, and wonder if these same thoughts are coming to his mind, but I'm comforted by the fact that at least I can trust myself now to remember why it ended and not get caught up in a fantasy of what could have been.

Glad to hear Autumn24 may be able to patch things up. I know there are reasons you broke up, but there's obviously something there you're both willing to fight for a little longer.

I hope all are doing well.
-Mel
yoka
I've been in nightmare breakup ex drama hell for the past few months. I went to the ben harper concert and listened hard to the song "so hard to do, so easy to say, sometimes you just have to walk away". I know she will always hurt me every time i talk to her so i told her to get out of my life. I've cried a river over her... how can she think i would ever give her another chance after she's hurt me so bad. I can't listen to her say she loves me anymore, it hurts (because i wanted to be with her)and its confusing as hell because she treats me like dirt.
The thing is, she owes me money and we have bills together in my name. We thought we were going to get married... i'm such a fool, she manipulated me. She was supposed to put me through school when she had a good job. Well, she's found a good job now... and still hasnt paid me a cent. So do i leave and cut off her phone and forget about the money to protect my sanity... or do i keep my pride and not let her fuck me over and harrass her for my money and be able to pay for school?
I just want her out of my life... i' so sick of the pain and tears and drama. But i'm afraid i wont that strong and i'll still pick up the phone when she calls. Its so hard to do... and how can i still care for someone who is so fucked up and who has hurt me so much?
mel
Yoka-if you're not living with and planning to stay with someone, there's no reason for you to be paying for anything but maybe the occasional movie or dinner. Yes, cut off the phone...it's not that hard to get a new one in your name. If you lost money in this deal, it may be just one of those hard life lessons we all learn. If you weren't married, it's not likely to stand up even in small claims court. Find your way to an emotionally safe living situation, stop paying for anything for her so you don't feel any more used than you already do and give yourself a chance to re-build your sense of clarity and self-esteem for a while. It doesn't mean you have to stop caring or let go of wishing right away...that might take time, but at least give yourself the right conditions to make it possible.
pepper
told me he loved me, treated me like dirt. told me he loved me some more.
owes me money and would gladly have kept on taking it (my student loan money no less, and i'm a mom).
has some of my stuff and repeatedly finds a way to forget to give it back.
yoka, it's the same shit, different pile. do what you need to do to heal and get better. the longer you stick around, the longer it's gonna hurt. i learned that one the hard way.
thaid
Ok, been broken up with the boy for little while now, and while we are still trying to be close (yes, I know, bad idea), he's still dating etc. Was supposed to help me move, however blew me off because he had a date. Huh.
So anyways, was a little tipsy and bored tonight (I'm going through a breakup, my actions are not own -in my defense) googled his email.
Guess what pops up? A bdsm personals sight. Double huh. And there is even a picture of him, so I'm sure. How is it that we were so close, however he never told me his little fetish. If it was important, he should have mentioned it, it's not like I would care. Well, might be a little unusual, but it's better than finding out like this. I would rather have heard it from him.
See what you get from snooping? Bad Bad, Thaid! Bad! Naughty.
Just feel a little hurt that he could share it with me, not sure why.
erinjane
Today I went to a movie with my new boy, who I'm trying to give a real chance to. We've been seeing eachother just under a month. He's nice, sweet, funny, good in bed, good taste in music and movies...but when I walked up my street all by myself a few minutes ago I burst into tears because I miss the connection I had with my ex. All I could think about was how one year ago today we were on a greyhound together and I fell asleep in his lap. How comfortable and intimate that felt.

I know I don't want to go back, but sometimes moving on feels so impossible. It's been almost a year and I'm the one who broke up with him!!! It's not like we have a fling or tried to stay together after we broke up, we just went straight to friends. I guess this is what happens when you stay so close to your ex.
yoka
I just started dating somone new too. She's pretty, smart, funny, sweet... but my heart just isnt in it. The ex paid me back, i'm trying to keep her in my life because she needs me... but its wearing me down because she still plays mind games and still lies. My friend saw her at the bar the other night making a fool of herself and leaving hand in hand with some blonde. Ouch, it hurt to hear that.
I have such a great life, great friends, I'm doing so much more of what i wanted to do... but its never as much fun as it should be because i'm always thinking of her and feeling alone. Ack.
And I broke it up too and dont want her back either, but its so hard to let go. I think i'm going to set some boundaries with her: no saying "i love you, etc" anymore cuz i dont want to hear it if you're holding hands with some blonde, no talking to eachother if we see eachother at the bar, absolutely no sex, no hanging out except for just a coffee or something... but yeah right, her following rules isnt going to happen.
car_parts
i couldn't figure it out. couldn't put my finger on why i am still so angry after all this time. then it came to me.

i haven't even forgiven myself for everything that happened. i'm still angry at myself for doubting myself and going against my better judgement and letting him hurt me as much as he did. i fucking hate this weak little creature that i have become in his wake.
i know it will pass and that i will be strong again, but in the mean time, i'm just here waiting to not be miserable anymore.
caroline_no
someone told me you should do something symbolic to move on. i tried that today. i removed some body jewelry that he encouraged me to get. threw it in the ocean. felt more empowering than getting it. really hope to move on once and for all.

i know what you mean about feeling angry w/ yourself. i hope we both (all) stop feeling angry period and moooooove on.
LoveChild
hey busties, i've been having trouble getting over my ex. i dream of him every night. he's currently living with his "on again-off again" girlfriend, i've never met her but even she's in my dreams. he was my first "real love" and our relationship was relatively brief but very...intense. i tried getting some closure by talking to him after our split, but it just resulted in me relizing how silly it was to try and talk to him. the guy is fucked up, on drugs and a history of mental instabilty. i still have very strong feelings for him and i just want to move on. the thing is i feel different now. like i've had to put the pieces back together and they're just not fitting right. and it's like salt in the wounds to think back and remember how fucking perfect everything was w/ him, as perfect as life can be anyway. i knew right from the begining it was going to end, i just thought we'd have more time together, b/c although i relized he had faults i accepted them and i really did love him. i just feel changed and i don't really know "where" to go now....you know, i thought i could sort of save him... anyway, it's late and i'm being totally emo. i just wandered in here for some female advice. thanks busties
opheliathemuse
hey hon,
What I have finally come to accept is that I will always love my ex. He is my first love, and always will be. I will always love him in some capacity, even if I find the man of my dreams. You have to be willing, and finally able to tuck that love away in your heart. I mean, you did share a very intense experience together, and that never goes away.
Move on for now. Move past him completely. What you need to do right now is concentrate on making yourself happy, and do this with all of your being, everyday. Even if it's skipping, or watching the leaves on the trees.
I know this all sounds a bit silly. I do know how it feels though. My ex and I were together and even posted together here for over 5 years. But, maybe sometime down the road you'll be able to remember this post?
LoveChild
youre so right ophelia (from mcbeth, right? she was my favorite character) when i try to explain it to my "friends" (i'm wondering at this point) they look at me like i'm silly little girl. so i don't really talk about it anymore, which is hard b/c i feel different b/c of it. i don't think this love will ever go away, no matter how flawed. i guess i do just have to work on accepting that and tucking it away. thanks, it helps knowing its ok to still love a person.
opheliathemuse
Hamlet, dearie. =)

I'm glad, then, I spoke up. =) It's never easy, but it'll change. Good luck to you.
LoveChild
thanks smile.gif i guess we're both nigh owls then? maybe i should brush up on my shakespeare, lol
car_parts
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. does it make me a sadistic bitch if i am delighting in the fact that my most recent ex and the chick that he got togethether with before we broke up just broke up after only 4 months?

yes? haha. i don't care...

*does dance*
mel
Just heard that my ex boyfriend is engaged. I was kinda hoping I'd get the opportunity to one day get to do that happy dance like car_parts, but it's not to be. I'm crushed. Classic.
car_parts
i'm only doing the happy dance becasue he was such a cheating lying piece of shit. as for all my other ex's, if i hear that they're with someone new, i think it's great.

and as for my previous post, i have moved on. i don't hate him anymore. i just kind of feel bad for him at this point. i gave up on being angry at myself over everything that happened, and i hope that that is something you'll be able to do someday soon too, mel.
sassygrrl
Just got dumped last night by my SC boy over sex. He didn't want anyone physical, which is seriously fucked up. I wasn't too serious about him (we did live in different states), but it still hurts. I plan to eat serious chocolate this weekend. I know I'll get over him, but just pissed that he lead me on so much.

I threw away his love letters, and plan on cutting my hair next week, as a new change.

mel
car_parts
Glad the twinge of bitterness if gone for you. Mine would be if not for some really bad behavior on his part too. I've stayed friends with all my exes but this one too. That's part of the disappointment that I wasn't a better judge of character to begin with. Glad it's over but still feel a little duped.
mel
sassygrrl
Still really hurt right now. I mean we were only together for two months, but I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I'm just more angry than anything else. And, I wish that he didn't have to lead me on.

I'm trying to move on. I want to refocus back on my career and my life.
I know it's going to be hard though.

bohemiax
Hey all - I haven't written in this thread in a really long time. But this dude I dated for about three months and I broke up about a month ago. Since then he has turned into a complete prick. I didn't call him at all last week and on Friday he calls to say, "hey," and to make sure I wasn't mad at him (which I was mad at him because he wasn't being a friend like we agreed, and when I tried to hug him he pushed me away). Anyways, yesterday he calls again to get directions to a restaurant and I ask him why he's been so mean and if he doesn't like me or something...he says, "no, I don't like you." WTF. Then why does he call? Why does he want to hang out, etc. He also called me pathetic and annoying. Which really hurt. How is it he can go from being the nicest guy to the biggest dick in the world in one month? I'm really confused/angry/upset.

((((sassy))))
sassygrrl
I'm sick of being sad. I keep thinking that I did something wrong, when he was the one to break up with me over something as stupid as sex. Bleh.
Why does this hurt? Christ, we were only dating for two months. I feel so stupid.

((bohemiax))
sassygrrl
Hate to be posting again twice in a day, but.... So, I'm zooming and feeling generally happy today. I was sick (took day off from work), but emotionally feeling a little better. And, then I get a really rude email from the boy sending me pictures of me (on our last official date) and him really being bitchy about wanting his vhs tapes back. It was so goddamn professional like. And, the worst part of it was, in the pics I looked really really happy. No, sorry I was a dick, or anything. Just a note saying that I would save more money if I send the tapes book rate. Why don't I just send them back smashed up??? Fucker.

I want this hurt to go away.
sassygrrl
Feeling much better. Not totally great, but able to flirt again. Got "He's Just Not that Into You" in the mail on Friday for free,which was pretty cool. smile.gif There's some pretty good advice in there.
p_176
so this guy i have been dating for the past 2 months has now met someone new...i'm not really sure how to react unsure.gif ....i officially broke off an engagement in june (we were on the rocks for several months before we actually broke up), and of course now that i want something to develop with this new guy, he meets someone else - i think he's upset about the exfiance (i have unresolved financial issues with my ex)...but anyways, the irony of the whole thing was that, when we met for dinner tonight, i was going to tell him i wanted our relationship to be more serious (as opposed to before, when we talked about it, i did not at all want to be serious)...we're talking about this over an email, unfortunately, sad.gif ...i'll let you know what he says....
p_176
we're still going out to dinner tonight, where we will talk things over....cross your fingers for me.....thanks:-)
p_176
well we are no longer dating but will still be on friendly terms. i know i was worried yesterday, but really it's ok - apparently he has unresolved issues that he needs and wants to resolve before being in a serious relationship. why he never said that in the beginning, acting like he did indeed want a serious relationship, was more what ticked me off about the situation.
i'm just annoyed that most of the guys i have ever dated (seriously or not) have lied to me or manipulated me in some capacity. i don't try to come off as gullible or anything....so why would multiple guys treat me like that, and how can i avoid it in the future?
thanks for your feedback..
sassygrrl
SC Boy is finally giving my book back, and he's getting his tapes back next weekend. He asked me out again, and I said no. Very mixed messages that one.

I have two dates this weekend! Yay me!
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