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pollystyrene
Pugs, what about you and Mr. Pugs agreeing to both move out of the house, each go somewhere else, but sublet (is that the same thing as renting out?) the house, splitting that income?

Good luck. I agree with what everyone else has said- you need to get out of there and get some distance from this situation, so you can make some real decisions. Easier said than done, I'm sure. sad.gif
starship
When my parents divorced about 5years ago my mother took me and my brother and we all moved in with her mum- into a tiny two bedroom house, with two adults and a newborn baby already living there. We had to stay like that for two years- six people. yeah, it was anything but ideal yet we were all much happier there than we had been living in a large comfortable house where my parents had been separated for a long time.
Everyone is right when they say it will be the best for you & you're making the right choice pugs, good luck x
girltrouble
remember pugs, we love you, and we're all rootin' for ya. but we've got an ulterior motive, personally, and i've said this before, you are sooo a part of this place, like star, rosie, polly, mandy, mouse, (where is mouse?) culture, aural kitten, bunny or so many others. and i know, i feel better when that bright, sweet, wonderful pugs knows how wunnerful she is. so take care of yourself, but more importantly, take care of your heart most of all, k?
thirtiesgirl
The list is a good idea and a great first step. I hope you find a situation from the list that works for you on a temporary basis. Keep reminding yourself of that: it's only temporary. And also, it's an additional support system to help you through this crisis. You do not need to go through this alone.

This is hard and every cell of your being is rebelling against it because it's CHANGE, and drastic change at that. When you've been in a pattern for so long, making a change to break that pattern is damn hard. But it's the thing that will help build the most strength and confidence in yourself as you go through it and come out the other side. Once the thought that you have survived this drastic change has really worked it's way into your psyche, has become one of the things you know and accept about yourself, you'll realize that you're invincible, that you have the strength to survive nightmares. And that's a powerful thought. It can help you in your worst moments in the future, your moments of self doubt, fear and loss. You'll remind yourself that you've been through the worst and it didn't take you down. You came out the other side.

And you will. There *is* an end to this. But before you get to the end of the road, you have to take a few more steps. There are so many wonderful discoveries to be made, more opportunities to be had. They're waiting for you to get to the end of this road and come find them.
hiddenpoet
LoveMyPugs - first of all don't be sorry you don't know how to answer a question! i think it crucial at a time like this you don't just make a snap response or decision. second of all it's kind of late for me and i have had a few so please forgive me if i am overstepping my bounds as i have other questions / speculations for you about prior posts.
like why is this rationalization / admission to your mum about the relationship all about keeping him happy instead of both of you? (the one where you let him escape while you play servant)
i think that perhaps every bone is telling you to stay is because you truly have faith that the old him you fell in love with is still there and things worked out back then fine. as people age they either mature, change or stay the same. so the question is is it he who has changed or you who has matured and outgrown this relationship? to be fair with the descriptions you give and the words you choose even in the height of emotion on here i think it's you who has matured. i think you have outgrown him. lastly, don't feel like an idiot! everyone has ignored things that were plain to someone else at one time or another.
sexysandee
I'm sorry you are going through all this Pugs sad.gif
ketto
(((LMP)))

I've been sick and missed the last few posts, but you always amaze me with how brave and strong you are, even if you're having trouble seeing it right now.
missladyj
((((LMP))))

You are not an idiot. You do need to get otta that house and get some clarity for yourself. You will be okay and you will get through this.
baroque
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baroque
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auralpoison
Baroque, you need to know that there is gonna be MUCHO pain, PERIOD. But you have to woman it the fuck up. Gather your ovaries & buy some B&J's. I know this seems obvious, but if you really want out of this situation? *ALL* CONTACT MUST BE SEVERED. Delete him from your phone, block his email, stay away from mutual haunts, etc. You may not be *actively* seeking him out, but you don't sound like you're actively pushing him away either. Dude sounds like the mafia: just when you think you're out they suck you back in.

And prolonging things? Just makes it hurt worse.
hiddenpoet
Baroque,
do you love him because he is such an amazing person or because you are supposed to love him? everyone knows deep down that women are conditioned since girlhood to love the person that they have sex with unlike men. so you had great sex with the guy after a breakup in a moment of passion. why should you lie down like a doormat for him just because of that? what other good qualities does he possess outside of being an occasional good lay that would make it worth time out of your life to stick around? from what you describe i don't see any reason as to why you should give this user another look. you let him use up enough of your life already give someone else a chance. you can be pleasantly surprised.
girltrouble
you might not want to read this, baroque, i don't pull any punches....


what he's doing is called honeymooning, baroque. it happens in abusive relationships when the abusee is threatening to leave. he knows he's been shitty so he'll pour it on thick to manipulate you. long story short, when he looks at you he sees a USDA prime grade A SUCKER. reread that until it sinks in.

need proof? his love for you is so deep that it expires in 10 days.

can you see how much of a douche bag he is? i mean, what does that say about how little he thinks of you? to him, you're not just replaceable, you're easily replaceable. infact he thinks he's such s stud, that you should pay his room and board while he treats you like shit. if he really thinks his ex wants to put up with his horse shit, by all means, LET HER....and send her a thank you note for taking this egotistical dick lick off your hands. you know its a bad deal (for you), but you are still thinking about it.

DON'T.

think about how long it took to break up with him the last time. remember how shitty he makes you feel when he's not honeymooning? think about the months of stress and crying to work up the courage to kick him out, and 6 more months to actually get him out.

i'm with aural. you need to swear off, go cold turkey. delete his number, block his calls, emails and texts. you don't know how to say no to him so you shouldn't say anything.
    >change his name on your celly to "sucker" so next time you are tempted you'll be reminded of what he thinks of you.

    >come up with a derogatory, slightly funny nic for him, it need not be factual-- one friend named her ex
    'ol' peg leg," he was not old, he had 2 legs. never speak his name ever again refer only to his nic, encourage friends to do the same.

    >"smelling salt" something to make you WAKE THE FUCK UP! a.k.a. a list of all them reasons you broke up w/him and things you can't stand about him. when you get tempted bust out the smelling salts...
i can hear you asking how long you have to swear off. i vote forever.
i had a gf who was super unhealthy for me. i knew it, but i couldn't help myself. i had to swear off. things were getting super crazy. i bumped into her at a mall years later and i was shaking. seeing her reminded me how unhealthy-- how TOXIC-- it was for me. i barely understood how bad it was at the time. now i know, it was the right choice.

as for this:
QUOTE
what do you do when you offer somebody all the love you have, and they turn it down in favour of finding another girl with a free apartment? how exactly do you get over that?
realize what an unbelievable prick he is, keep reminding yourself that, and never let him play you for a sucker again.
Persiflager
That is just the shittiest.... and I think he does know he's using you.

Get in touch with friends and family and let them make you feel loved so that you don't need his crappy version of love. Spend the evenings with friends so that they can help you ignore him (I've spent an evening with a friend before now hitting her with a rolled up newspaper every time she said she was tempted to text her ex.... ok, that was a lot more supportive than it sounds). Get hugs and cuddles so that you don't need physical affection from him.

It's always going to be hard to ignore him if you're sitting at home alone, but it's a lot easier if you're having dinner with your family or watching a film with a friend. Go away for a couple of days if you can, to get some space and make it harder for him to contact you.

He's pushing the deadline because he senses you're starting to see through his bullshit. Damn right you are!

I'm worried because he sounds like he could turn (more) nasty - is there someone at work you could have a brief word with, so that they know not to let him in if he turns up? Ditto security at your apartment.

Take lots and lots of care of yourself (((baroque)))
auralpoison
Oh, he *KNOWS* he's using her all right. Addicts are great at manipulation. Fucking *artistes*. BUT. He *also* feels Baroque gradually slipping away; she's no longer wholly under his thumb. She's getting up on her hind legs by avoiding him & he doesn't like it. Hence him digging his heels in & contacting her to undermine her efforts at separation, hence the ultimatum of, "If you don't change your mind about things, I'm going to start fucking other people on this date. Especially my ex-gf, since I KNOW that will drive you schtarkers! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

Look, fuck this guy, Baroque. For reals. It's gonna hurt, but that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Cliche, but true. In the end, you're gonna come out of this a better, smarter person while he is still gonna be an addict manipulating people to ease his own way so he doesn't have to grow up. Do you really want to be babysitting this man-child anymore? Because you know things aren't gonna change if you get back together.

And Persiflager is right. Idle hands & all that. Fill your time with people that are good to you & love you. Start a new exercise regime, join a book club, volunteer, fill your time with interesting pursuits that have nothing to do with him that enrich your life. You might just find a true passion & lose 100+ pounds of dead, stoned weight from your life for good.
girlygirlgag
Baroque Baroque Baroque Baroque Baroque.................

Please listen to all of the wisdom put forth before my posts, but I want you to meditate on this.

He is stating that HE WILL START FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT HE WANTS.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You know what your response should be?

"That sounds good...... I'm done with your tired ass hang low, and you can give whatever woman you want, my sloppy seconds.... Hope your dick falls off.... PEACE."

Seriously, take a big girl pill and separate yourself from this man.... He's mean to you. Really mean.

You're better than this....
culturehandy
Baroque, you NEED to listen to the wise Bustie advice.

No person should EVER, EVER EVER make you feel bad, should make you cry because he loves you?? Ummm, isn't love supposed to be a happy emotion. This man is destroying who you are. he is an addict, he is fucked, and damn if GT isn't right that his so-called love has a time line on it!

I was involved with an abusive man, and fuck if it wasn't the same shit. It is hard, it's like coming off a drug, but YOU CAN DO IT. But after it ended, I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. You're going to wake up and realize you an spend your money on YOU, not his sorry punk ass. You can do what you want when you want, you won't need to answer to anyone.

He doesn't care about you, he cares about getting fucked, getting high and feeding his addictions.

Read this carefully, Live with me or else I'm going to fuck other people?? Oh now that sounds like he loves you very much. Please. Love does NOT COME WITH ULTIMATUMS!

The classic line of I will change, not be a total bitch, but how many women have been killed over this line when they go back to their abuser?

Dump the mother fucker already. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

thirtiesgirl
I was once in love with a functioning alcoholic and drug user. He was 'in love' (as much as an alcoholic and drug user can really feel love that's not chemically enhanced) with me, too. I didn't want to end things with him. What helped me do it was the true advice of caring friends. The advice that hit me the hardest was what one friend told me: he's dangerous. Even though he was, in general, the sweetest, mildest mannered guy with a great, twisted sense of humor, he was dangerous. Just think what might have happened had I been in his car and his judgment was impaired by all the substances in his system. He could have killed me or seriously injured me in an accident.

The other advice that hit me hard, but not until I'd had a good think about it for a few years, was this: you don't love *him*. Because you don't know him. The real him. Drugs and alcohol alter the personality and brain chemicals of the person using them. Who you love is the person he's become with all those personality- and mind-altering substances in his body. You don't know the real him, without all the substances fucking with his brain. He doesn't know the real him, and hasn't been in touch with himself since the drugs first took over his system. You love a drug filled shell.

Take care of yourself, Baroque.
baroque
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baroque
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kittenb
I keep doing something and deleteing my posts. Let me start again.

{{{{{{{baroque}}}}}}} I don't even know you and I wish I could come over and give you a hug. I'll share my cyber-chocolate with you.

I am so happy that you have shed the wieght of this immature, emotionaly abusive asshole. No one deserves what he put you through. NO ONE! There is nothing so wrong or damaged in you that that is the kind of treatment you should be getting from someone. If his ex wants him back, then let her pay for his sorry ass. You finally get a chance to take care of yourself.

As for revealing your feeling that you are stupid, you are not. You were in love. It takes many forms and sometimes can make us do things that make no sense. I've known cases where, years into a relationship, a person has realized that her first sex with her current partner was actually rape. We don't always see things as clearly as we would like to, and we almost never see things as clearly as we see them when we have stepped away from the situation.

You will get clearer vision here. You will heal.

Now might be a good time to look into finding a professional for help and support. Not because you are crazy but because professional help can be a big help when you are hurting and in a life transtion. If you can't afford it, look into your health insurance or see if your community has any resources.

Take care of yourself, eat well, get lots of rest and surround yourself with love. You deserve it!
roseviolet
Holy shit, Baroque. What a terrible story. I'm so sorry you were neglected - abandoned, really - in your time of need. That is absolutely 1000% inexcusable.

The Busties have offered you some fabulous advice. I can't think of anything more to add but hugs & support.
(((((((((Baroque))))))))))))))
zoya
((((((baroque))))))

if it helps any, just remember that when he is saying that shit on facebook and stuff, it's just as much the disease talking as it is him. Not that that helps, but perhaps will remind you not to take it personally - he's fucked up and fucked up people don't have enough wits about them to even think about how to treat people properly.


I would highly recommend getting yourself to a counselor - even for a bit. It helped me HUGELY when I broke up with my ex. The fact is, that when you're part of a relationship with an addict, you kinda end up with an addiction of your own - to them. You lose yourself to some extent. and talking to someone can really really help you get it back, a lot faster than if you're white knuckling it.

Another outlet to check out is Al-anon. It's for families & friends of alcoholics and addicts - you don't have to actively be involved with someone who's an addict to go. I went to meetings for a few months after I broke up with my ex. You get to hear a lot of stories about others who've had WAY fucked up situations, and it really helped me. It's a 12 step program, similar to AA, so the structure and spiritual oriented thing is a little weird, but I just chose to ignore that part and concentrate on people's stories and having a support system who understood. For me, the chance to talk to people who'd been in the same situation as me (a lot of times WAY worse) was great - to know I wasn't alone. The meetings are super structured, and you sometimes have to go to a few different ones to find people that you feel you really click with, but after each meeting, people always stick around and chat - even though I was really shy, I would make a point to introduce myself to someone who kind of resonated with me during the meeting, and talk to them a bit about my situation. Those conversations, and going back to meetings for awhile so that people who understood got to know me a bit better, was where I really got a lot of support and understanding. People would call just to check in on me, and I got phone numbers that I knew I could always call if I was freaking out. It was a good transitional tool (and free!)
baroque
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persimmon_grrrl
just feeling a little heartbroken. hearts to this thread...

(((baroque)))
baroque
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culturehandy
(((((baroque))))))

He's doing it because he's a manipulative bastard and he's trying to get you to engage in conversation.

You are not weak, you are feeling this way because he abused you. This has nothing to do with your character at all. He's still trying to control you and he's still trying to get to you. The best response is none at all. By not hearing from you, it will bother him. He's trying to get any response. Don't.

I know my ex did the same thing, later on, I found out it was because he was trying to get back together with me! The only thing I have ever said to him in the last two and a half years is via text, please don't ever contact me again. In which case he went fucking balastic and told me to fuck off you never contact me again (I'm serious, he accused me of contacting him...little did he know that I kept the texts, contacted my lawyer and was "involved" with a police officer). He's being a dick.

Now, I think you would really, really benefit from talking to someone about this, and as for him moving out of the city, GOOD, then you won't need to worry about running into his sorry, pathetic punk ass.

I would also suggest you block him from being able to contact you via messenger at all. That'll really get his goat.
Persiflager
(((baroque)))

To be in that situation and still have the guts to throw him out? To be lost and traumatised and still see through his shit?

That takes spine.

You are brave and strong and doing all the right things. Don't worry about analysing his messages - it's not about him now, it's all about you and the great life you're going to have without him, and the more you ignore him the easier it will be.

I'm glad you're starting to get angry - I'm pissed as hell on your behalf, and I've never met you! Anger is a good, strong emotion that will help you get through this without making you bitter or vindictive.

Where are you based? There must be some support in your area for women who've suffered miscarriages. US Busties, any tips?
baroque
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girltrouble
culture and the others are right,

do not contact him in any way even if "he needs to exchange some things." who gives a fuck about his needs? he's been emotionally abusive to you, if he needs to exchange anything have him give it to friends.

right now he's desperate to get you back under his control. it's like he's knocked on the door, you said go away so he's banging harder. he just wants you to open that door a crack so he can slide his foot in, and from there push the rest of the way in. don't budge. don't give in. i know it hurts, but remind yourself of all the shit he's pulled. it's your firewall. all of that hurt, that anger is your shield, your protection against more of his manipulation.

please baroque, don't let him in.
gradgal
Baroque, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time right now with your ex and the miscarriage and everything else that is related. All of the emotions you are feeling (anger, sadness, loss etc.) are completely valid given what you have been through, but it sounds that though you are beginning to face these problems head on and make some really difficult decisions about chossing yourself over your ex-partner. Very courageous and deserving of recognition!!!!

That said, you mentioned in your previous post that you would be open to getting in contact with some support networks/professionals that might also help. Given that support services are not inexpensive, I thought that it might help you to know that both York and UT have counseling psychology and adult clinical psychology clinics associated with their training programs that should offer support services at a reduced rate/on a sliding scale. I'm not sure about the wait time to receive service but it might be worth looking into. I don't want to make any assumptions about you or your situation so if this doesn't apply please forgive me, but I just thought that it might be worth checking out if you are interested.


hiddenpoet
((Baroque))

it takes a long time to get over miscarriage. i agree with the busties, it would be healthy to find a group situation on a regular basis of some type. even if it's as simple as inviting friends or family over for a pizza and rental movie night. just getting more involved with your group in a double time of need could be what keeps you grounded. it is best to have zero contact with him and keep it that way. it's time to think about what's best for you and what you want out of life instead of anyone else's needs.
and you can always repaint or wallpaper the apartment later on when it warms up for it to feel more new. as long as it gets changed back places don't care.
auralpoison
O. M. G. There is a part of me that wants your ex's addy, Baroque, so I can go kick him straight in tha balls. Lodge them berries in his goddamned nostrils in perpetuity for treating you so poorly.

I don't give a fuck what *he* thinks *he* needs & you shouldn't either. DO NOT PUT HIM IN A POSITION OF POWER. Because that's what he's trying to do; he's jockeying for the upper hand. If you are alone & vulnerable (And particularly after the devastation of a miscarriage.), he knows he might have a shot of worming his way back in. Fuck that noise. He leaves Monday, that gives you a few days to put his shit in a box & have somebody else deliver it. Show NO compromise. He wants his shit that bad, he can take it from somebody else's hands, the fuckstick. If not, too bad , life's a bitch & so is he. Let his rich daddy by him new shit.

And I agree with everybody else. A miscarriage is a hard thing to swallow. Do get yourself some help, chica. Surround yourself with people that care.
baroque
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sybarite
(((baroque)))

I have felt like you do now, and yes, it does pass and you will feel better. In fact, you will probably feel a lot better once you rediscover the energy he's been leaching from you. It will take time though. For now, keep on reaching out to people and letting them help you. Try to eat well and maybe do some exercise, as it can help you to process your feelings and can help you sleep. Stay strong and block any communicative access he has to you: this is the single best thing I did when going through a horrible breakup. The longer I stayed out of contact the better I started to feel.

When I went through that breakup, I couldn't sleep, could barely eat, I had to coax myself with junk food just to get something in my stomach. I literally wandered around my city's streets, chainsmoking with tears in my eyes, in a daze. I got through it and so will you. This place helped me back then more than I can say--it restored my faith in people.

Take care of yourself and stay strong, and post here. We'll look after you.
zoya
(((baroque)))

oh dude, you sooo don't seem like a kook. good lord, go back through the archives and read some of my posts - I'm a walking disaster when it comes to relationships, so needless to say I've got my fair share of posts.... I've been here for 10 years (good god) and the women here are awesome. You'll get great support and insight.

xoxo


kittenb
{{{{baroque}}}} Goodness no, you are no one's kook. And if you are, well you are in the right place. You'll blend right in.

There will be a day that you feel a little better than you feel now. Then there will come days when you feel better than you did when you were with him. And, yes, you will be a Bustie for the next 80 years wether or not you continue to post. We are in your blood. smile.gif

Hang in there. Try to get some rest and some food. Milkshakes can go down smooth and, with protien powders, can be reasonably nutritious.
starship
QUOTE(baroque @ Feb 21 2009, 03:24 PM) *
has anybody else felt like this? does it end?


Yes! even the strongest of women find themselves in this position all the time so don't go beating yourself up about it. Just make sure you stand firm on not contacting him, the rest will come naturally and gradually. &The ladies here have amazing advice so be sure to take note:)
stargazer
(((baroque))) i think everyone is giving great advice to you about setting boundaries with the ex and taking care of yourself. the feelings of bleakness will pass, it will just take some time. don't force yourself to be what you are not feeling. if you want to cry, then cry. make sure you have alot of support around. it is good that your best friend went out to dinner. if you are not ready to be social and need to take some chill time alone. do that too.
girlygirlgag
baroque, if I am correct, you had a miscarriage not too long ago... If this is right, one thing you need to take into consideration is that you're probably suffering some hormonal changes and imbalances. Post-partum is a result from pregnancy being over, it doesn't have to always have to have a baby involved.

Take care of yourself, lady.. You've been through a lot and your body has been through a lot, too.... This too shall pass.
baroque
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sybarite
People used to post a lot more often in the relationship threads... and recently someone else has been posting about what she's going through and everyone has been extremely supportive. I posted like a madwoman back in the day, so feel free. That's what we're here for. For me, this space has been valuable perhaps because it's anonymous in many ways, which is liberating I think.

It's not about giving back as and when although your desire to do so is awesome. Take care of you for now.
zoya
baroque -

I had a friend some years ago who got pregnant, miscarried, and had to have an abortion procedure, like you - because she didn't *completely* miscarry (I don't know how to put that any more delicately...) I don't remember how far along she was, but I think it was probably somewhere around 2 months - and I remember she did go through a lot of ups and downs emotionally for awhile after. I think that it's pretty normal, aside from all the other shit that you're going through, thrown in there. Definitely go for that follow up appointment, though - make sure you're completely well physically. - and ask them about any depression or hormonal symptoms... worth checking out.

post away - I remember a couple years ago, there was a bustie who was going through a really bad divorce who posted here several times a day, for a long time - it was really nice to not only see people being a good support system for her, but also over time to see her obviously healing and even eventually getting into a good relationship. So it helps us on support end as well to see that it's helpful. x
baroque
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culturehandy
Baroque, do your friends know the full extent of the situation?

you aren't that girl. You are just going through a rough time right now. NEVER be ashamed of this, you are recovering from an abusive situation. Post away here.

I know when I went through my break up and even other things, the Busties have been there when I have gone through some really, really bad times and the good ones. I've made some amazing friends here. I will never forget the kindness of the busties.
Persiflager
((baroque))

That's the depression talking, not you. Your friends love you! You don't have to tell them anything until you feel ready, but I bet when you do they'll support you 100%.

Post away. I didn't post here during my last break-up, but I lurked for hours reading the archives and found a huge amount of comfort in knowing that other people had gone through similar situations.

Ooh, and do go for that follow-up appointment - could you ask a friend to go with you?
baroque
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girltrouble
we'd never disown you. we get that it's your call, and no matter what our advise, at the end of the day, it's your say that wins the day. i wonder are we wasting our breath tho? the most consistant advise is not to talk to him, but you do. from the sound of it, you talk to him a lot.

understand, there is a reason that we all think it's a bad idea to talk to him-- he knows your buttons and he's playing you like an x-box. there are busties who would give you sugar with your medicine, i'd rather not. your anger, your shame, your clarity that he sees you as a sucker, these things will keep you on the right path and keep your head clear. look at your actions again. read that last post of yours out loud. what does it sound like?

an addict. you seriously NEED to admit you have a PROBLEM.

you know he:
uses you.
manipulates you.
talks about you behind your back.
blames you for his issues
is abusive
is irresponsible
hurts you
and from the miscarriage situation, it's obvious he doesn't really care about you.

but you won't stop till you've hit bottom. you'd rather have an abusive, asshole boyfriend, who treats you like shit, than to do what you need to, what you know is right-- turn your back on him and never look back. you have this idea somewhere that he's what you deserve, or he's the best you can do, or some other bullshit he's fed you. i'll be honest, i don't know you, but you don't deserve this. no one does.

i know it hurts you to think about, to look at it straight in the eye, but think about the purpose of pain-- it's to warn you. so take your hand off the burner. take control of the situation. you talk about him breaking up with you-- you've just given away your power by waiting for him. then you say, "if he doesn't then..." power given away again. you're looking for excuses to talk to him. you are. you're looking for any excuse to be with him no matter the loss to your dignity. is it worth it? when you go to bed at night, do you really think this will end in anything but more pain the longer you continue? do you want out of this or are you biding time?

i'm asking the hard questions because they need to be asked.

if, and this really is a choice you need to make, if you really want to be free, you can be, and it's simple: email him, tell him not to contact you, and stick to it. don't even read his IMs, Emails, do everything you can to make it impossible for him to contact you. you need to take this power back. you need to actively work. give him an inch he will take a mile. so plan on sticking to this now, a year from now, 5 years from now....

...or you can keep talking to him, and it'll get more shitty and in a year or 3 you'll be 5 times more miserable and really hit bottom. if you think it's bad now, just wait.

like i said, it's your call.
Persiflager
Baroque, don't beat yourself up about this - think about all the great progress that you made by yourself even before you came to this forum. You threw him out, which must have been horribly hard, and you recognised that you needed support and sought it out. These are good, strong steps that you took because you knew that you needed to get him out of your life.

You're struggling to finally get rid of him now because there's something he's giving you that you're not getting elsewhere. I don't know what that is, and don't know you well enough to speculate. You might want to explore this with a therapist in a little while, but that's not the point right now.

The point is that whatever you're getting from him is not worth all this pain and damage.

If you can't bring yourself to ignore him, you have to block channels of communication before he has a chance to contact you. Don't log in to IM, turn your phone to voicemail, delete his texts, don't check your emails. Turn your phone off or take it off the hook in the evening. Do this now while you remember. Send one clear and quick email saying 'please don't contact me' but not discussing anything else, especially your feelings - every time you do, you give him a way in. Then block him using every method we've said. Keep yourself busy with other people so you can't get to the computer or answer your phone - heck, go sit in the cinema by yourselfif you have to!

girltrouble is right - we'll be here either way, but you can save yourself so much pain by making the choice now. Once you've been free of him for a few days you'll start to think more clearly, and then be able to start picking up the pieces.

If you stay in contact you will not be able to fix this. You will have no control, no power and he will continue to hurt you. Do not kid yourself.
zoya
baroque -

agreed with persiflager, and especially girltrouble.

Again, you sound like I did when I broke up with my ex - so I know EXACTLY where you're at.

like girltrouble says - YOU have a certain type of addiction - TO HIM.

Addicts will do anything - ANYTHING - to keep from having to take responsibility for themselves and their addiction, and it's ALWAYS going to be your fault if you're with him.

you can't post enough here. keep posting. don't feel ashamed. I've been through it - I hit a HARD HARD bottom, and I'd been in it nearly 6 years with my ex. I beg of you, get the fuck out. I know exactly where you're headed if you keep this up and it's not good.

We'll be here, no matter what you do. Even if you feel ashamed. I promise. But again, I beg you please - DON"T GO BACK TO HIM. Take your power back.

and please please please, I beg you - call a help line, find an Al-anon meeting. something that you can do NOW. trust me, the people at those meetings have been through way more shit than you can imagine. And people on help lines are trained to listen at any time, about anything. There is NO shame in taking care of yourself and taking one of these actions. You don't have to go through this alone, and if you're afraid to talk to any of your friends right now - there are people you can talk to, RIGHT NOW.

and on the friends tip, I'm willing to bet that your friends would be there to help you with what you ask them to - ask them to keep you away from him. ask them if you can stay over a night or two. ask them to check in on you. It's only our own fear and shame that keeps us from reaching out to people that probably really care and would want to help us. - that's part of OUR addiction as someone who is involved with an addict. not wanting to get our own type of help to get out of this hell, because we're trapped by our own fear and shame of what we've done. but I'm here to tell you that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I'm ten times a stronger person for having gone through the hell of breaking up with my ex and getting back on my feet - but I had to start somewhere. It took me 2 years to get the nerve to break up with him. PLEASE don't let it take that long. I know you're afraid, but walk through it. It will get easier, but you have to start somewhere.

and again, please don't try to white knuckle it on your own. Do something to keep yourself busy and connected with people who are healthy and NOT in his circle.

(((baroque)))
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