Mar 20 2009, 07:52 AM
Hey ghosting! I'm really glad to hear that you got away for a break, and WELL DONE for cutting off communication.
I don't think he defriended you because he was hurt - he did it to make you respond. He's mad as hell that you're not reacting the way you usually do. If it salves his ego to pretend that it's him making the break with you, then let him.
Have you changed his name in your phone yet? There were some great suggestions earlier in this thread - how about 'stinky scumbag' or 'whiney weedaholic'?
Mar 20 2009, 09:08 AM
Ghosting, good for you for getting out of town! It's amazing how a little space & a change of scenery can be so helpful.
As for the ex, I think Persiflager is right on target. This is a power struggle for him. Let him writhe. Keep in mind that he may back-peddle and attempt to contact you again - possibly from a blocked phone number, an unfamiliar number, or a friend's phone. Do you know the area code for where he is now? If so, be wary of any unexpected calls from that area.
Still thinking of you. I wish there was something I could say to help. I'm sure right now it's a struggle to just wake up everyday. Please just remember that you are NOT alone. You are never alone. We are here for you. Ramble to us all you want. It's okay.
Mar 20 2009, 11:50 AM
~*~*~*~ healing heart vibes to all ~*~*~*~*
I'm in a somewhat different mooooving on phase then the current theme here. I did the heart breaking and haven't been able to stop myself hurting him with random hook-ups. I mean we've talked about the implications and I've made it clear that sex doesn't equal together. I enjoy my time spent with him in these hangings out (there have been a couple non-sexual times) and wish that we could "just be friends".
I'm feeling super guilty after our last meeting. I went over to visit him because I knew it was the 1 year anniversary of his best friend's suicide and I knew how shitty it was for him. I was invited and didn't feel like I was forcing myself into the situation. I'm worried that is how it might look? Mostly, though...ugh here it comes. I am awful..
I asked him if the guys were takin' him out on the town and he told me about a girl that he could have taken home but that he didn't because blah blah blah. Then I asked if seeing me is making it too hard to transition and he told me it wasn't just me. It is that he has stage IV cancer and he doesn't want to let anyone in becuase he knows his chances of making it 10 years are slim.
I feel terrible and like I should still be with him. I was with him when he was diagnosed almost a year ago and I've left him and now he doesn't want to let anyone else get in. I'm a big ruiner. He is awesome just not for me and I wish I could tell him that but it really isn't my place.
I think I need to just stop toying with his head and toying with mine. It isn't making things easier. I thought it might be, but I must be wrong. He needs to change my name in his phone to something like DON'T ANSWER!
Mar 20 2009, 04:04 PM
I don't think you are an "awful ruiner" but I am not sure how to say this w/o sounding really harsh so please understand I am not trying to offend.
I think I need to just stop toying with his head and toying with mine. It isn't making things easier. I thought it might be, but I must be wrong. He needs to change my name in his phone to something like DON'T ANSWER!
If you think that what you are doing qualifies as "toying with his head" stop doing it. You can give him the choice. Tell him what you wrote here. He is a great guy but you feel that being friends with you is hurting him more. His steps after that are up to him.
Mar 20 2009, 05:39 PM
If she has said it's over, I think you need to take that on board, because you can then focus on healing yourself from this shock. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for what has happened, taking all the responsibility on yourself; whereas she was your other half, she promised to stick by you through hard times.
I agree with persiflager, I know it's desperately hard but try to cut off communication, at least for now. If you feel you must speak to her, try to make it on your terms, i.e. 'I can't talk to you for a while; maybe we can talk on [set date]' , and stick to that.
In the meantime, try to look after yourself, keep up your routines but allow time and space to process this. And post here as much as you want, as I've said before posting here helped me during a bad breakup... and I'm a really private person IRL.
Hellcat, it sounds like you are torn between wanting to help him in the ways you are used to and feeling like you are hurting him further. I think you need to think long and hard about how you can best help him. I know someone who was diagnosed with a brain tumour and given 6 months to live; he ended up living for 8 years and started and sustained a new relationship during that time. I think (easier said than done) you need to let him go as an ex and take him on as a friend, which is what he needs now.
Mar 21 2009, 02:27 AM
Hope you all don't mind if I jump in here with my own little tale of woe...
First I just want to say to everyone else who is going through break-ups that I'm sorry for your pain. It sucks, I know. And you're not alone.
I am still basically in shock over my own break-up, even though it happened 2/26. Can't believe it's been almost a month because it still doesn't seem real...more like surreal. What's weird (and I think maybe a bit more merciful) is that there has been absolutely no contact between us. No dramatic late night phone calls, no random visits, no ambiguous e-mails. It's made it so I can basically pretend he no longer exists. And that's how I get by.
We were together for almost 11 years, since I was 17. He was my first real boyfriend, my first (and only!!) sex partner....hell if I'm being honest he was my first real "romantic" kiss, as opposed to the earlier awkward adolescent type. We lived together on and off for about 8 years, and constantly for the last 5. Worst (best?) of all, he was my very best friend in the world. What's really fucked up and pathetic is that as time went on he kind of ended up being my only friend. It kills me to even type that because I don't want to admit it but it's true. So you can see how having no contact for the past few weeks has been surreal. The thing is, we've broken up more times than I can count over the years. But only for, like, a day. Sometimes hours. The longest ever was about a week. It was never a clean break and it never felt over because it wasn't. Inevitably we'd crawl our way back to each other. It's different this time though.
The worst part, the absolute fucking WORST part that makes me want to scream and cry and die is that we broke up over the phone. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Yes, we were in love and the biggest thing in each others' lives for 11 years and we didn't even get a real goodbye. I've seen people who date casually for a month make a bigger fanfare out of saying goodbye to each other than we did. I think that's partly why I'm still so shocked. I mean, who does that???
You see, we were supposed to drive down to FL next week. His dad owns a house there so we were going to stay there for a few days and then drive down to the Keys and camp. Yay, right? I was actually excited...been really feeling the urge to escape life in general lately (yeah, before all this happened...it's safe to say that urge has since intensified). So that night, 2/26, I had just gotten home from work and made a veggie masala burger and was cracking up at the repeat of the previous night's Daily Show when he called. He mentioned casually that his dad would be riding down with him to FL. And I was all "Oh. Um...ooookay. So I have to be squished into the backseat for the 17 hour ride?". The boy hemmed and hawed and admitted he hadn't even told his dad/step-mom that I was going. Wtf? I finally just said "Wow, you really don't want me to go do you? That's why you told your dad he could ride with you, and didn't even mention me?" The whole thing with the trip was already weird because he had originally mentioned a couple months ago that he planned to go down to FL for a week for "research" (he's into science) and that he'd be going alone. He also wanted to "see what the whole spring break thing was about". Dude, you're 30. And 2 years sober. And (at this point) in a committed relationship so what the hell are you thinking you're going to get out of spring break? Then about a month after that he suddenly wanted me to go. He promised that he really wanted me there and we were picking out campsites and I got the time off from work but I still suspected deep down that he was less than enthused and now on the phone he was completely confirming my suspicions. Thing is, I didn't really care about the stupid trip. It was obviously just the idea that one's boyfriend actually wouldn't want to go away together that was killing me. And that's when he started breaking my heart. He said he just wasn't happy with us (he actually clarified "not our friendship, but us"...ouch). Then he said something about not feeling the magic anymore. By this point I had already started crying and we both agreed to "not go there"...we would talk about it in person that weekend. But when we got off the phone I just broke down in sobs because I knew that was it. It's just one of those things where you can't force happiness and "magic". My mom came home at that point (yes I'm currently feeling all losery living with my parents but that's a whole 'nother thread) and I told her we had broken up and she was suitably mom-like and comforting and after talking to her I felt a bit stronger so I called him back and the first thing out of my mouth was "I want to break up". Now, this was totally lame on my part because he had basically already ended things, if not officially yet, so we both knew well and good that I wasn't the one doing the breaking. It was just that I couldn't wait 3 days to see him and have things be unresolved. I just couldn't. He said something about feeling sick and I was no doubt crying again and then he said "I have to go be upset now, I'm sorry bye" and hung up, all rushed, as if he was hanging up before I could hear him cry. And of course I couldn't just let that be the last words ever shared between us so I called him right back and when he answered his voice was cold, like that of a stranger. "Can I help you?" he barked. I meekly explained that I wanted to make sure he was okay and to say goodbye. We were probably on the phone for another minute or two but the only other snippet of conversation I remember is him saying "Don't be a stranger", which just struck me as a terrible terrible thing to hear coming out of the mouth of your lover. Then we told each other we loved each other and that was it. I've been sort of a zombie ever since. Don't mind the word for word transcription you guys, it's just that those bits of conversation keep replaying over and over in my head and probably always will.
I'm sorry this has been so long. I have so much more to say - a decade's worth, really - that I better just stop before I completely hijack this thread. I know I need to be in counseling but unfortunately I lack insurance and haven't had any luck finding sliding scale based help around here. I've been keeping so much of this in. I haven't even told the people I work with yet, 2 of whom I consider to be fairly good friends (the other 2 being basically evil). I can't go to that conversation without going catatonic and it's easier for me to just ignore it while I'm at work and act like things are good. I know that inevitably someone will ask about him or refer to him and then I'll probably have to talk, which I am seriously dreading.
Oh man. I swear I was going to end this post here but there are 2 other things that have been massively bugging me that I really have to get off my chest (hello that is what Bust is for right
) and it's 3 am and I have to get up for work in 4 hours and I'm kind of on a roll.
1. For Valentines he had pre-ordered me this book that I really wanted that was being released 2/24. We talked on 2/24 and he mentioned he had gotten the e-mail confirmation that Amazon had shipped the book. I never got it. He had it shipped directly to where I lived, and it had shipped out before we broke up, and frankly even if it hadn't he's not the type to "ungift" something...plus it was cheap, less than $10. So I just don't get what happened. And part of me doesn't care but part of me is really curious and I'll never be able to ask him and it's just seriously fucking lame. Hmph. I ordered my own copy a few days ago so at least I'll still get the book. But it's kind of pathetic...I wanted the copy from him, and I wanted to see whatever sweet little message he might have written with it. Sad.
2. This whole Facebook thing is kind of killing me. And again, I feel like this is a pathetic little detail but I can't help fixating on it. See, I successfully avoided the whole Facebook/Myspace thing forever, until just a few months ago when I finally made a Facebook account because the boy had just made one, and he talked me into making one too so I could friend him or whatever. I'm not too fond of it and don't really update it or seek people out on it, though a bunch of people from high school found me including my ex-best friend (ex because the boy freaking cheated on me with her, thereby completely fucking destroying me but that was 9 years ago and a whole 'nother thread/reason for therapy). But now, not only am I not fond of it...I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of logging in and seeing that he's going on with his life, or that he's changed his relationship status to single (even though I already did) or god forbid, that he has a new girlfriend (which knowing him, he probably does). It would be like that whole rush of initial heart-breakyness again so I KNOW in my head that I should spare myself that pain and just de-friend him! Right?? This whole no contact-lalala-he doesn't exist thing is working for me atm, and yet...and yet. I just can't bring myself to take him off that list. I've peeked a few times at Facebook and his Myspace and he hasn't logged into either one since before we broke up (what's keeping him so busy?!? argh see what this line of thinking does!), so I'm still listed as his girlfriend on both and that's why I feel like I should jump ship now before it's too late and I see actual evidence that he's moved on. It's so stupid and so high school and I'm thinking of just deleting my whole damn account because it really doesn't make me feel good, not only because of him but also seeing all these former friends/acquaintances going on about their fantabulous lives when mine is so sucko. Help.
Seriously, massive apologies for the long-windedness...I plan on contributing to Bust in much more positive ways than this because I think you ladies are awesome and I don't want to be the girl who just takes and doesn't give. However, for now this is all I can focus on...I'm sure you understand. I've never had to actually get over anyone before. I've never had an ex-boyfriend. I feel like I'm back at 17, experiencing the loss of my first love. The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing how basically every other adult on the planet has survived something like this. And also music....word to the person that mentioned Veruca Salt's Resolver as an excellent break-up support. They are one of my fave bands and I like to think of that album as "the big guns". Music, and also the prom episode of Buffy. I admit....I watched it and wallowed in it and wept right along with Buffy in that it hurts so bad it's almost good way.
Anyway, I should sleep now. Thanks for listening. It helps just to get this out and I really appreciate this space.
Mar 21 2009, 05:57 AM
((mermeg)) Thank God for Buffy!
That sounds so rough. Please do vent here as much as you like - it sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest.
It doesn't sound like he was being a very good friend.
Before you delete your Facebook account, are there are nice people on there you'd like to reconnect with? And yeah, defriend him before it causes you more grief.
Mar 21 2009, 09:18 AM
I agree with ghosting that you sound really strong. I hope that through all the difficultly and painfulness of your situation that you can see that there is an opportunity for you to connect with the parts of yourself you might have "lost" while in your relationship. And as sucky as it feels right now, you are going through a process and it won't feel like this forever. I understand when you say that after a while your boy became more or less your only friend, I definitely have seen this tendency in myself, so know that you're not the only one. My advice would be to reach out a little bit to your friends at work(or even on facebook), even if you're not comfortable revealing your breakup yet, just to have a little socialization to take your mind off stuff. And I would say not to delete your facebook account, because if it's shown me anything its that high school grievances can be forgotten. Know that you are strong, whole, independent, and growing into yourself. Transitions can be so hard but I think you are going to blossom from this.
Mar 21 2009, 09:51 AM
I know how much a person wants closure after a break up, sometimes it's best not to want that. I ended up in the back of a police car because of it.
Remember, Busties are here for you no matter what. Don't forget that you are all strong and wonderful and time heals all wounds. I know it doesn't seem like it, but post here, post your heart out.
Mar 21 2009, 04:05 PM
I've managed to get some kind of closure with pretty much every guy I've ever dated who's been important to me. (except this last one, but I just can't talk to him or be around him right now, it's just way too fresh and it has been really hard for me, even though we only went out for 3 months. same kind of finality from him that I've never had from anyone and ugh... anyway, I digress....) I don't even like to call it "closure." it's more like we were able to talk, hash things out, come to terms, and actually be on pretty good ground. some of them have gotten to be really good friends.
Thing is, it took a LOT of time and space. With a couple of them a bit less than a year, with most of them at least a year, if not several years. At that point it's so removed, and the guys had grown up enough (and in a couple of cases, I was the one who had needed to do the growing up, and did) that when we re-connected we could talk about it honestly and what had really gone on, and work things out so that the bad feelings were gone. I didn't get back together with any of them, nor was there ever talk of that - it' was more like "closure" of the old shit, and being able to move onto the new because of cleaning that up. I've been really lucky in that way. But it took just having them out of my life for "good" before it could ever come back around at some point.
As much as people always want closure fast, I think that it's impossible. A lot of healing and dealing with shit and just living has to go on on both sides before that's even remotely possible.
Mar 21 2009, 07:48 PM
definitely you are not being an asshole. I think that is totally wise of you to not reply.
Mar 21 2009, 08:10 PM
Ghosting, he is loosing control of you, so he's trying to play the nicey card and it's bullshit.
I'm so proud of you for not replying. Do NOT reply to him, it's games.
How do YOU feel about ignoring him? Do you feel stronger for not falling for his crap?
Stay strong. In the time you've been posting, I've noticed how far you've come in a short amount of time!!!
Mar 21 2009, 09:57 PM
I am so touched by everyone's kind words. I've been reading back through this thread, and there is just so much comfort to be found here. I'm glad I over-rode my introvert tendencies and jumped in.
So I deleted him from Facebook just now, thanks to you guys. I honestly feel relieved...that was just one more avenue of pain I did not want to have to face, and now I won't. Although...this is silly...but I took screenshots of both his Facebook and Myspace with me still listed as his girlfriend and I saved them to a Word doc. It made me feel somehow better about deciding not to check them anymore, for whatever reason. I'll probably never look at it and maybe I'll come across it a year from now and just laugh at myself and delete it but for now, well...yeah.
Also, on Saturdays I work with just my two co-workers who I'm fairly close with. One of them had to leave about 20 min early today, so it was just me and S, who is one of the kindest people I've ever met, and she happened to ask me about the boy. It was the best scenario I could have imagined for talking about it because I definitely prefer one on one conversations and she's incredibly easy to talk to. I didn't really go into much detail like I did with you guys about how it actually ended, but just talked about how I'm feeling now and about my general desire to grow up and learn to be single and independent. She also pointed out how it can be really nice to meet someone who hasn't seen you go through all the crap of your teens and twenties, but rather to meet them as more of the person you really want to be. That really resonated with me and seems like rather a lovely concept now that I think about it. I'm definitely not anywhere NEAR meeting anyone else. It's really light years away, but still. So anyway, it was good and now she knows. She's definitely a kindred spirit. She's also about 20 years older than I am so she has the whole wise woman been there-done that thing going on, which I appreciate. The best part is that I didn't lose my shit. I actually was able to say those words out loud without crying...my voice wobbled a bit and sometimes I had to avert my eyes but still. (I am a huge cryer...it doesn't take much to get me going).
I just ordered the book that kittenb suggested a few pages back. I also threw in this book called "Surviving Saturn's Return" that deals with this age I'm in (but that I imagine is valid for anyone going through transitional periods and break-ups and general life upheaval)...so that should be good.
The advice about writing is something I know I have to do. I went to Target after work because I needed a few office supply stuff, and I ended up wandering around forever (it was kind of nice not to have to worry about being somewhere or meeting someone...my time was really mine). I found a really cute journal and some pens in the dollar section (I love that part of Target...so much cheap junk...it's both terrible and awesome!) and I actually wrote in it already. I'm the kind of person who has tons of half-filled notebooks because I tend to not stick with journaling, but when I do it I love it. I like the idea of a blog too. It's kind of like writing here....sure it's a lot of private info but it's worth it to put yourself out there if there's a chance of getting support and kindness back. I actually set up a blog a few months ago but never wrote in it so I think I'll give that a try. Maybe I'll add it to the Bust blog roll.
Thanks for saying I'm strong but honestly it's only because I've had a few weeks to let it sink in (and he actually had moved out 1 month prior so I was already getting used to living apart and sleeping alone). If I had posted here immediately you might not have thought I was so strong. I felt literally catatonic for days, with the only break from that being when I would randomly break down in sobs and scream and yell all the things I wanted to say to him (to an empty house thank god).
Enough about me...ghosting...the situation you're in right now seems really intense and frankly your ex sounds toxic. I just want to second the others' advice to not contact him!!! He needs you to respond and it sounds like he'll come at you from all angles ("concerned" texts, seemingly angry blocking from FB, etc)....you really do seem to have made huge progress. Please don't give in! You are NOT an asshole. Also, I think it is almost eerie the way the similarities between my current break-up and your 7 year guy are. Thank you for sharing that with me. I don't want to say it made me feel better because it's obviously horrible to imagine someone going through that, but in a tiny way it did because I can tell how strong you are and that you were able to move on and develop new relationships and more importantly that you Will Be Okay, even now.
Persiflager you are right...I do have a lot to get off my chest and I probably will be spilling more sordid details here as they enter my head. Thank you all for being welcome to that. And of course yay for Buffy
Think I'll go watch an episode right now...
Mar 21 2009, 11:26 PM
Ghosting, stay out of the monkey house! All the way out! Don't open the door. Don't even look in the window. Just stay out! It may be hard to see it right now, but cutting off contact is actually the kindest thing you can do. At this point, both of you are most likely to hurt one another - even say things you'll regret later - if you talk. So don't.
Mermeg, your co-worker sounds amazing. Good to hear you have such wonderful support at a place where you spend so much time.
As for the closure thing ... I think it's a bit of a myth. I have never known ANYONE who said, "My boyfriend and I broke up. We've been together for eons so I knew it would be hard, but we broke up in person so it gave me a great sense of closure." It just doesn't work that way. The thing that's going to help you most is time. Maybe eventually, after a couple of years, you'll talk to him about what happened & then you'll feel some closure. For now, just take care of you.
((((((((((all of you who are moving on)))))))))))
Mar 22 2009, 10:09 AM
ghosting - I am going to ditto everything that has been said. If he really wanted what is best for you he would respect you enough to leave you alone! And look how far you have come. A few posts down you were able to share your experience and help someone else. Don't let go of your progress. You fought too hard for it.
Mar 22 2009, 07:16 PM
Hi everyone! Thanks for all the concern and advice. I have managed to have no contact for nearly a week. Of course that's really because I was banned from talking to her after the text outbursts. Still feel kinda dumb about that one. But I did call her the next day and put everything on the table. It felt good and I think it struck a nerve. Maybe she even started to feel something for a change. She said she would call me when she is ready. ready for what? We still need to work out some financial stuff and break our power of attorney and our same-sex couple registration. So I guess we still have a few things to work out. I think I'm closer to accepting she wants out. Actually, I may be a little taken back if she comes back and wants to fix things.
Mar 22 2009, 11:56 PM
i hung out with my x, mr. t.
we went on a daytrip, and i don't know how i feel about it. it's hard because that familiarity is there, and i am so used to slipping my arm around hers when she drives, and putting my head on her shoulder. i miss doing that too. things are at the point where we don't feel awkward around each other, but it's dangerous, because we flirt... a lot. we tease each other, and i still enjoy her company. she makes me laugh.... and in a week where i've tried to hang out and really re-establish my friendships with my girls, she is the one i feel closest to. her i feel that pull. i value her friendship, but i really fear falling into things with her again.... but she's kinda my best friend right now...
Mar 23 2009, 07:42 AM
Mar 23 2009, 05:48 PM
So I actually felt pretty good today...I had the day off and was productive and got some stuff done that's been hanging over my head. So naturally because I was feeling so positive something bad had to happen.
When I got home a little while ago there was a package from him, which was shocking and unexpected due to my whole "la la la he doesn't exist" philosophy.
It had the book he had gotten me for V day that I figured I'd never get, along with a few insignificant trinkets that belong to me. There was also a Note. I'm sure you're all familiar with such notes. He said things like how he misses me but he thinks things are looking up despite the break-up, and how he's sure I'm doing "fine", and he wished me luck in the future. He also said that it seems I've decided not to speak to him now but he respects that and hopes I'll decide to contact him again one day. Which is totally bullshit. I mean, it's not total bullshit because it's true in a way...I don't want to speak to him, for the sake of my own sanity. But it's not like he's attempted to call or contact me either. So why does it seem like he's putting the no-contact thing on my shoulders? Ugh. I just wish I could fast-forward to a year from now so this is all over with. The one thing that that really killed me (but really shouldn't have) is that not once in this goodbye letter did he use the word "love". Nothing about how he'll always love me, or even signing his name with Love. I know it's pathetic and probably unhealthy but I just crave for him to acknowledge what we had, and instead I get this formal fucking letter to the editor that doesn't even sound like him. I cried pretty hard for a few minutes but now it's just back to that dull ache. It feels more final than it did before. In a way I feel like it's not fair that he gets to do this, because I have things I need to say to him too. But I won't. It's too soon and it will just be worse. You are all right about the closure thing. I see now that there's no magic wand I can wave to make it better. And looking back I'm actually seeing the positives of breaking up over the phone...it probably just spared us both from unneccesary drama.
Last night I undertook the massive project of re-organizing and de-cluttering all my paper stuff...bills, mail, etc. We had this big file box that used to hold both of our stuff, and all the folders were still labed with our names for our various things, in his handwriting. I also found a bunch of sentimental stuff concerning him. It's almost funny...if you look at older cards he always would write really sweet things and would be very creative in making me little notes and such. But over the past year or so that stuff has dwindled, and I guess it's almost obvious that things were changing. Well, obvious now, after the fact. Anyway, I finished the project which felt great, and now all my stuff is neatly contained in a brand new (hot pink) file box. I made a folder for stuff from him and hid it all the way in the back of the box, and I was so grateful I did because when I got that letter today I put it away after only reading it three times (ha). Now it's out of sight out of mind hopefully, as opposed to hanging out on my desk in plain sight for a month. *sigh*
Thanks for listening. (((Busties)))
Mar 24 2009, 12:56 AM
Isn't that the way it goes? Just when you think you are starting to heal something rips off the scab. Every time I talk to my "x" (it's been a week now) I expect to hear her call me "baby," or say "i love you." We just get so used to hearing those things it's unnerving when we don't. You are doing very well. I am proud of you.
One of my lesson horses died today and even though I have lost my fair share, it doesn't get any easier. All I want is to fall into the arms of my partner and cry myself to sleep.
(((girltrouble))) It's nice to have another lesbian on here. It really sounds like you understand yourself and are doing the right thing. My x says lesbian relationships are different because we become everything for each other, girlfriend and GIRLfriend. Maybe she's right.
Mar 25 2009, 11:16 AM
Mar 25 2009, 03:39 PM
Ghosting? Helloooooo? Whats going on?
Mar 25 2009, 04:48 PM
If i were you i wouldn't contact him. So i think it's good you didn't hit the send button.
Learning that he's getting over you (or so he says) is always painful. In some way, it's just not what you want to hear. Time and wounds eh? It sucks but it's true. Take good care of yourself.
Mar 25 2009, 10:34 PM
(((jupiteregg))) I'm so sorry about your horse. Bad things do seem to happen all at once, don't they? My grandfather unexpectedly passed away about a week before my break-up (I'm not trying to make this about me!) but I just want to let you know I really understand how awful it can be to be hit with multiple losses at once. It is especially hard to go through it all without the people we normally turn to for comfort, but I think it will make us stronger in the end, knowing we can survive this and that we can rely on ourselves. Right? Right??? That's what I'm counting on anyway, but I guess we'll see. I'm proud of you too. It does sound like you're doing better overall with coming to terms with things.
(((ghosting))) eeek please don't hit send! At least not yet, while you're still deep in the midst of the pain. You've done excellent at resisting his mind games and I hope you'll continue to ignore him, for your sake. Like you said, it's about his guilt and his feelings, which I hope at least gives you a bit of anger that you can use to help you stay away. At the same time, the way you described the feeling of finality in knowing it's over is so amazingly accurate. Ouch.
I decided to take all the pictures of him off my computer and store them on a flash drive so I don't accidentally come across one. While doing this I found a few silly little videos I had made of him playing guitar. It's just us hanging out in our room and talking and laughing and being dorks and it was surreal because it is SO familiar. Watching the videos it just felt like he was here talking to me. I had to stop myself from replying out loud to him. One of the songs he played happens to be my favorite one he's ever written, and we used to sing it together back when we first met. I had no idea I had caught this on tape, and as heartbroken as I am I'm so glad I have it. I really miss him.
Mar 25 2009, 11:28 PM
just when you think you'll be ok, it starts to feel like your heart is breaking again
Mar 26 2009, 01:12 AM
ghosting-- i think you forgot what a prick your ex is, so i'm gonna remind you. this is my reply to a post you wrote more than a month ago. it still applies:
you know he:
talks about you behind your back.
blames you for his issues
and from the miscarriage situation, it's obvious he doesn't really care about you.
please don't forget. you deserve better.
i feel like i'm leading my ex, mr t., on. i'm not trying, as i said, she's kinda my best friend right now, we're both unemployed right now, and the days stretch on forever.... i forgot i had a doctor's appt. but i switched her interview date with mine, and missed my appt. i told her about the appt. snafu, calling myself a dork. she replied, "that's why i love you." it made me cry. i really don't want to hurt her. i don't. i've always been lucky in love, finding terrific women, and fall in love, but somewhere along the line i realize, i still have personal issues that i need to work thru before i'm fit for a relationship. it's not any fear of commitment, hell, i daydream about getting married and settling down with someone. but here i am again... 3rd serious relationship, and it's the same story.... and i wonder if maybe i just can't let myself be happy.... sorry for the navel gazing....
Mar 26 2009, 09:53 AM
QUOTE(ghosting @ Mar 25 2009, 09:15 PM)
hi, sorry, i had to run around and freak out for a while.
i don't know why i was so upset by this today, but i heard from someone that the ex said he was getting over it. this for some reason sent me into a huge tailspin. i realized that i miss him and i also hate HATE that he doesn't care. his text messages, all of the "i hope you're ok"s and "please talk to me"s, these have nothing to do with me. they're only to assuage his own sense of guilt so that he can move on. i don't know why he hasn't asked for his stuff back yet. although to be honest, at this point i'm not even sure i'd do anything about it.
i'm talking in circles, but i've been doing fairly well and today i'm just a complete loon. sometimes i just have these moments where i suddenly think, wow, this is real. he's never coming back. i will never see him again. and i feel like i have just walked into a very big wooden door. with my face.
please remind me, when is that magical time when i start feeling better?
ps i didn't write to him. i wrote a letter, i almost pressed send, but i didn't. but i want to. i reeeeeeeeally want to.
I mean this with love and not with condescension: Are you seeing a therapist?
I ask because in reading your posts here, it seems to me that you are beginning to obsess over this break up and it appears to be dominating every aspect of your life, and that is dangerous. I think it is completely human and I don't think you are crazy, etc.... But, I think it is time that you reach out for some help before this gets more out of hand. You are too good to waste your precious life thinking about this relationship and obsessing over it.... Yes, it is over and it hurts, and it doesn't help that there have been games being played back and forth here, but it is time to move on.
I support what everyone else has advised you to do in this thread, and I think this is a safe place for you, please keep posting. Most of all, please take care of yourself. This man is not worth this energy you are plaguing yourself with.
Be well, and take care of yourself. CLICHE TIME!
This too, shall pass.
Mar 26 2009, 10:08 AM
(((((((((((GT)))))))))))))))) So sorry you're hurting, dearheart.
Ghosting, we have another thread that might help. It's called "write a letter ... one you'll never send". Sometimes it can help just to get those feelings out there. That thread is a great place to release those pent-up feelings without dealing with your ex's reaction.
Mermeg, good for you for getting tat information off of your computer. I think it was good for you to save it elsewhere. That was such a huge chunk of your life & there's no need for you to wipe out all of the memories you have from those years but, yes, it is probably best if you don't revisit them for a little while.
JupiterEgg, I'm so so sorry to hear about the horse. I'm sure he must have been very special to you, like your own pet. Why is it that bad things seem to happen at the same time? When it rains it pours, right?
At the beginning of my last big break-up (which took about a year to become final), I was fired from my job a couple weeks later and then my family's beloved basset hound drowned to death in my parents' pool while I slept in the house about 50 feet away. It was HORRIBLE. I felt like I was living in a fuckin' country music song, which was only confirmed when my best friend took me to a bar & I started crying over my drink, "There is literally a tear in my beer! This is so wrong!" It was so ridiculously bad.
Mar 26 2009, 11:20 AM
(((GT, ghosting, Mermeg, jupiteregg)))
Mermeg, I second RV! I think that was a really good idea - you haven't done destroyed anything you might look back on later with fondness, but you've removed the immediate cause of pain.
Ghosting, could you do a similar stuff with your ex's stuff? Pack it all away in a box and hide it away at the back of a cupboard? It helps to put some of the reminders out of sight, and then you can wait til you feel ready before getting rid of it.
Mar 27 2009, 06:19 PM
It's hard to put things away when everything I have is ours from the sofa to the juice cups. After 10 years everything has been built together. I'm sure some of you are facing the same thing.
I just went to look for a magazine article for a friend and what do I come across? The sketch of her next tattoo. It's a redheaded cowgirl pin up because I train horses for a living and have red hair. It says Wild West. Well that opened the floodgates. She already has my name in a sailor jerry style crowned heart on her forearm. She was going to ad ribbons for our kids. I guess it's good we split up before we got me knocked up. We were supposed to start trying next year.
I miss her tattoos. I miss her. She sent me a message to ask how I was doing after my horse died. I texted "ok thanks," and that was it. I'm still waiting for her to "call me when she's ready."
My whole future has been erased. What do I do next? I don't even know where to start.
Mar 27 2009, 08:36 PM
god, jup, that's awful. i am so sorry.
as for where to start, i have this tradition when i lose or quit a job, the next day (or whenever i stop moping), i have carte blanch to do something i couldn't do when i was working. if that means going to a water park, or seeing a gang of matinées or getting loaded at noon, i give myself a push towards enjoying my time off work by looking at it in the opposite way, to give my former place of employment the finger by having a good time when i would have been hating life.
now, you may ask what the jimminy cricket does this have to do with you and your situation, my suggestion is that you use my tradition. figure out something you couldn't do when you were dating her, and then do it. from there it's a lot like being unemployed, find things to do that will distract you, occupy your time, and focus your mind on other things....
trust me, i'm trying to do the same thing....
best of luck, cowgirl.
Mar 28 2009, 12:32 AM
Jupiter...I'm so sorry
I know it can be so hard to feel like you're starting over and that the rugs been pulled out from under you. I hope you're able to find some sort of solace, even if it's just in really little ways, like a favorite song or a funny moment on tv (or posting here). I think that if you're able to get through this (and I know you will) you'll see that maybe it all happened for a reason. I know that's such trite bullshit in some ways, but OTOH I feel like it might be true. I don't know the details of your relationship and I don't want to sound like I'm judging it at all, but I do know that if both parties are not completely committed to a relationship then that's a pretty big flaw, and the end of it might open the door for something even better. Also, because you were together for so long it might actually be good for you to spend some time as your own person. Of course for all I know maybe you already are your own person and have dealt with all that self-discovery crap, in which case I'm sorry...I'm probably just projecting what I think I need onto you and my attempt at being supportive and giving advice is rapidly unraveling so I'm just going to stop now. Bottom line: I just want you to feel better. And I love girltrouble's advice! So yeah, I'll just second that.
I do completely understand about having all the physical stuff be laced with memories. Even though I hid away all my papers and pictures he's still everywhere (and thanks Busties for the reaffirmation that that was the right thing to do). All the little things he gave me or that were his or that he put together for me, all the furniture we bought together and moved to all our different apartments together and set up together etc etc etc. This is so dumb but I had a moment last week where I got tripped up by all the little holes in the wall left by nails and thumbtacks from where his stuff used to hang. I can exactly remember which of his stuff hung where. Plus we've lived so many different places and he was always excellent about spackling the nail holes so we'd never lose out on any of our security deposit, so I guess I equate imperfect walls with him. How lame is that!! And yet, it hurt because it's tangible evidence that yes he was here, I didn't imagine the whole thing, and now he's not. Anyway.
girltrouble, I know I'm a little late in this response but hope you're okay as well. Being unemployed and having all that time can make things even crazier. I only work part-time (not by choice) and I used to love having all that time off when I had a best friend/lover to share it with. Now I just dread the days I have off because they really do stretch on and on. At least you seem to be aware that you might have some stuff you need to work on in regards to relationships...I wish you luck.
roseviolet: I nearly lol'ed at "a tear in my beer" even if it wasn't meant to be funny. Sometimes we do just have to step back from all the pathos and drama and pain and remember that we're all just "bones and a name" and we'll get through life the same as the millions of other humans who came before us did. Also, your avatar makes me happy.
ETA: Jupiter, when you said that you guess it's better you split up before any kids came along you don't sound very convinced. But I just want to say as gently as I can that I think that is 100% true, even if you don't really believe it now. Having kids together and being tied to someone else forever can make it so much more complicated than it has to be, especially if you're really trying to move on. So I hope you'll come to see that as a positive thing in the end.
Mar 28 2009, 06:35 PM
help busties...I'm having a mini-crisis and I'm not sure what to do. It's not an emergency or anything, but I'm just freaked out. I just got home and there was a note from my ex stuck in the door saying "Hi I was in the area so dropped by to say hi, guess you're not here". Not exactly earth-shattering, but I had kind of a bad day. I was at my recently deceased grandfather's house all day cleaning it out with various members of my family, which was obviously sort of hard. And while I was there I found a wrapped birthday gift and card for me that he never gave me (my birthday was in December) and so even though I didn't lose it in front of my family I felt pretty awful seeing that and it made me incredibly sad reading the card. Also, my boyfriend used to mow my grandfather's lawn for him, and at one point I was cleaning out the shed and I rolled the lawn mower out and I was just standing out in the backyard alone and I just felt this overwhelming wave of grief hit me for the loss of both of them, and it was actually worse than I've felt in weeks. Everyone was going out to dinner but I decided not to go because I just felt too sad to be around them. Instead I chose to come home and take a bubble bath and get take-out pad thai and watch Veronica Mars (not a thrilling Saturday night I know, but those are the kind of things that comfort me). So anyway, I was already feeling really shaken up and in a fragile state of mind and coming home to such a note made me cry. I feel like he's reaching out, between this and the letter he had sent me. Part of me wants to reach back but at the same time I know it's over and I literally don't think I can handle talking to him as "just a friend". I can't do it. No way. But I also have this little nagging voice in the back of my head saying that if I just ignore him he'll stop reaching out, even as a friend, and I really will never see him again. I guess I'm grateful I wasn't home today when he came by, but I don't know. I'm so confused and so heartbroken and I just want to cry in his arms and beg him to take me back. My inner feminist is pissed about that but whatever. The first thing I did was log on here to get this out. Thanks for being there, as per usual. I think I'm going to go cry in a bath now (I feel like a Lifetime movie cliche, god).
Mar 28 2009, 11:15 PM
don't feel bad about what ever it takes to make you feel better. those little comforts will get you thru.
don't worry about keeping in contact with your ex. the most important thing is taking care of you. with friendships sometimes there's just nothing left, but the thing that determines that is time. so give yourself space to heal. when you aren't feeling so raw, you know how to get ahold of him, you can go out for coffee and see where things lay, and you may not want anything, or you may, but right now you can't make a good call.
Mar 29 2009, 09:46 PM
(((mermeg))) I try to look at things like that this way: it was the universe taking care of you. Instead of you being there when he came by, and potentially getting more sad and confused, the universe was totally looking after you and made sure you were somewhere else so you wouldn't have to deal. The universe made things really easy on you in that situation. Which is awesome. I think we're always looked after if we just don't stand in the way, go on with things, and trust that life will work all these things out. It did, in this situation, which is great. Doesn't feel wonderful, I know, but I'm sure it feels much better than if you were there when he came by. And you didn't even have to do anything - life took care of it for you!! xoxoxo
Mar 30 2009, 10:37 PM
Whew...thanks guys (and universe). I'm definitely feeling like I dodged that bullet, now that the immediate pain of the moment is gone. It's amazing how much better things look in the bright light of day. I guess I'll be okay yet. Earlier today I thought about something horrible he had done to me and I got really angry, but in a good way. The kind of anger that allows me to see how toxic we were and how our relationship would never truly feel 100% okay. There was just too much that happened to ever let it all go. That bastard hurt me again and again and again and I'm over it. Now I just have to get over him.
Mar 31 2009, 02:56 AM
((Mermeg)) Yay you!
Anger can definitely be a healthy, positive, energising force. And pad thai + VM sounds like a great saturday night to me!
I really admire how articulately you've been describing your feelings, and how the tone has stayed positive throughout even when you're obviously really upset.
I love GT's advice about having a free pass to do something crazy, and zoya's concept of the helpful universe.
((GT, zoya, jupiteregg, ghosting))
Apr 1 2009, 11:34 PM
Thanks persiflager! I do try to stay positive, which is sort of ironic because I tend to wrestle with depression and be a bit of a pessimist with a lot of things. I'm sort of surprising myself actually. I guess there's only so much havoc one relationship can wreak on a person, or to quote the great Shirley Manson: "I'm through bleeding for you"
And I think I just might make pad thai and VM a weekly ritual because it really does seem to heal my soul
Apr 6 2009, 03:56 PM
okay Busties, red alert...
I'm sorry to be dragging this out but I just logged into my facebook and had a message from him and I don't know who else to turn to for advice. I'm just going to paste the message since it doesn't have any personal details:
"Thanks for deleting me from your friends list. It was so thoughtful of you... I see lately you are probably busy doing whatever, I really wasnt trying to get in touch with you lately to beg for your forgiveness; I just figured a friendly hello would not hurt. Maybe you have a new boyfriend allready, umm thats life I guess. I believe that you didnt want to talk to me for a bit, I am clearly violating this strange silence code. On another note I was looking for documents from the DMV last weekend, i was not trying to be a randomly creepy visitor. oh course you were out and the trip was not a waste because I found the Cobalt Mines in Cobalt and found nifty saprolites in a stream valley...yah you dont care but ok. hmm I think that its impolite for you to not even say hi back but i guess thats your style now..."
wtf? Seriously??? I am doing so good, why does he have to write something mean like that? We're over so I'm just trying to not be in contact for my own sanity, is that so wrong? Should I write him back or (gulp) call him? I was so glad that our relationship didn't really end in anger or bitterness, but now all of a sudden he's creating this hostility towards me and I'm not sure what to do. I would like to assure him that I'm not trying to hurt him by not contacting him, but at the same time it's like I don't even want to go there yet. I'm afraid I'll just want to say I love you and it will be weird and awkward and...no, just no. I'm very confused all of a sudden? Any thoughts would be most helpful...
Apr 6 2009, 04:34 PM
If you don't want to go there, don't go there. You have the right not to respond. Whatever it is that makes it too hard to talk with him is valid.
Apr 6 2009, 05:35 PM
Oh dear, that's not a very nice thing to read from him. I'm sure he's hurting too, but still...
I definitely don't think you owe him a letter or phone call or any form of contact - you're taking care of yourself right now.
That said, it might avoid further stroppy emails if you send him one (and only one) quick message. Maybe something nice but not too personal, saying that you find it too hard to be in contact with him right now but that you wish him well. Don't respond to anything he said in his email, he's being a dick.
This is really your call, based on your knowledge of him and how he'll react.
Apr 6 2009, 06:29 PM
I say keep up with the no contact for your sanity tack, Mermeg. He was clearly trying to bait you into contacting him with that passive-aggressive dickhead message. You don't want to talk to him, you don't need to talk to him; he doesn't call the shots/isn't the boss of you, so fuck 'im. When & IF you feel like speaking to him you will when YOU'RE goddamned good & ready. He has no power unless you give it to him.
Apr 6 2009, 07:36 PM
yeah that was pretty dickish of him...uncharacteristically so, even. Anyway...I decided to Go There. At first I was going to do just what Persiflager had suggested...short and sweet and to the point. But as I started typing there was just so much to say, not even about our relationship but about the time since and where my head is.
I told him that I'm not ignoring him or avoiding him or thinking evil thoughts about him, rather I'm mostly not thinking of him at all because I'm moving on. I said it's too bad he seems so angry but it makes me feel even stronger in my conviction to stay away and I did not apologize for that. I basically told him to deal with it because break-ups tend to lead to hurt feelings, duh. I also flat out told him that I really miss him, not as a boyfriend but as my best friend (which is true) and that I would love to be friends one day but I can't yet...maybe never. I talked about last weekend, how I was in a really vulnerable state from cleaning out my dead grandfather's house all day and so of course I wasn't going to respond to his little note that he left me. I also had to include that I've had some great things happen in the past week and I'm feeling pretty good overall and it's not okay for him to fuck with that.
I reminded him how this is my first real break-up and that I've never actually gotten over someone (he has, many times over), so he just needs to respect how I'm handling it. Finally I told him the only reason I was writing to him now is because I was glad our relationship didn't end with us being angry, and I wanted to keep things that way. Then I admitted that the only regret was how we never got to have a real goodbye, but that I've come to terms with that and think it's actually better now (thanks to you guys btw). I said it would make me happy to have him write back and let me know he understands but he can do whatever, as long as it doesn't involve sending me passive aggressive little notes. And I wished him the best, and that was it.
Overall I'm really pleased with what I came out with and after scrutinizing it a good 10 times over I hit send. And I feel okay. The time was right to do this.
(on a sort of eerie note...I had originally included how someone had told me my missing his visit was the universe's way of protecting me (thanks zoya!) and literally 2 seconds after I wrote that I accidentally hit some button on my keyboard that made my browser go back and I lost my whole message and had to start over...talk about a message from TPTB)
Apr 6 2009, 08:25 PM
I think you need to put him on ignore now.
That way you don't need to worry about the fuckoid (my new insult!) getting in contact with you.
Apr 7 2009, 04:12 PM
well frack. I think I should have listened to you guys. He wrote me back a friendly note this morning apologizing for being snotty and basically admitting that he just wanted to get my attention. But that was it...he didn't really respond to all the things I said. Ugh. AP you were right...total bait and I fell for it. I've felt sad and empty and kind of defeated all day now due to this. Even though I initially thought it was good to get that stuff of my chest last night I feel vulnerable now, like I said too much. Oh well. I just want this day to end.
So where are my fellow broken-heartees?? jupiter, ghosting? How are you girls holding up? GT...how are you? I hope you're all feeling fantastic and that's why you haven't been posting any updates.
culture, may I steal fuckoid? I kind of love it
(I know I should put him on ignore but I just don't feel strong enough to do that. I really don't think he'll try to contact me anymore at this point anyway *sigh*)
Apr 7 2009, 06:27 PM
AP was right. he was just dicking with you. it's just his being selfish.
that's why he was all happy. he was happy. he can still provoke you? all he wanted to know. never mind that it came at your expense. now he knows he can get your goat. there is a reason that we've been giving you that advise.
as for me, i'm good. mr.t have hung out twice this week, and i think we are growing into a really good friendship. the weirdness about it is diminishing. we joke about "that's why i dated you." and have no problem complementing each other, flirting, (hell, playfully grabbing each other's boobs), without things getting weird. i could not tell you how it happened if my life depended on it. we are super sarcastic/insulting to each other, but we stop before feelings come into play, and it's kind of a battle of wits. it's as if, now that we aren't dating, we know how to behave. it's so much better than when we were dating. i just hope it stays this way. if she starts catching feelings it will go to shit in a heart beat. i wonder if she is holding back, or if she is just biding her time. she has waited a year for me to break down and get back together with her before. it's been about 6-7 mos...
Apr 7 2009, 07:22 PM
Mermeg, by all means, Fuckoid is yours to use.
GT, it seems like things are going really well, I'm happy that you and Mr. T are in a good place and things are coming along.
Apr 8 2009, 10:09 PM
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Apr 7 2009, 07:27 PM)
it's so much better than when we were dating.
I'm really glad you've found that comfortable place GT. You guys obviously have a lot of history so you'll probably be able to tell if things are starting to regress back into her wanting more before it happens. It sounds like this flirty friendship might be a really good place for the relationship to occupy permanently. And hopefully she also realizes that it's better to keep it there than to jeopardize it. At least you know what you
want and are strong enough to stick to it.
Apr 14 2009, 03:22 PM
so I guess this thread will now be my home.
I was kicked out of my house because my boyfriend "wanted to be single for a little bit" right after I quit my job. I left to go back up to NH and MA with one days notice and have been here staying with family for a bit until I can figure things out. He told me he wants me back but he just needs some space for a bit. I don't think I can do that. I can't just live out of one bag of clothes moving from family members house to family members house until he is "ready to have me come back home." This sort of came out of nowhere (well we were fighting more and down each others throats a bit) so now I am sort of lost and hurt and lonely. I guess he got sick of trying to just talk about it.
grrr... this sucks.
Apr 14 2009, 03:43 PM
Omg Tankgirl that is awful! Especially the bit where he wants to be single 'for a little bit'. What does that mean?! That you'll have to wait in the fringes until he's good and ready? It doesn't sound good. Trying to talk..communication is everything.