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dj-bizmonkey
thanks for checking in edie! sorry that your conversations have been kind of drab as of late. i totally understand what you're saying. and it's really easy for things to get blown out of proportion when your only communication is the phone. you don't have a desperately long time to wait, i'm sure you'll be able to get through it. stay busy busy busy and the time will fly by!

i had an awesome visit with sr. monkey. it was cold cold cold compared to where i live, but i soldiered through it. we only had one little bickering match, but it was mostly related to high levels of alcohol consumption. we always do that. get drunk, piss each other off and then over react because we're drunk. it's stupid, honestly. it's usually caused by me putting my foot in my mouth. i think we may have nipped the jealousy thing in the bud, however. it really took being able to see eachother to get through it. i think he needed to see me, just to be sure that everything was ok. our conversations have kind of sucked since i got back. they just pale in comparison to the real thing. i have a feeling, however, that it will pick up in intensity the longer that we're apart. absence does have that effect, in some situations.
edie52
That's great that you had an awesome visit, and especially about the jealousy thing...

Not all of our conversations have been drab... actually we had an awesome one today. We talked excitedly and lovingly for about an hour, and then got off the phone to go about our days without dragging it out too much. Of course, not every conversation can be that way. You're right, the important thing is not to let it get blown out of proportion. He bought his ticket, so we're both excited and it feels more real that he's coming. It may be the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me... coming all the way up to the North Sea...
starkitty
Yargh. I had such a crazy, up-and-down couple of weeks, albeit mainly in my head. (Isn't it always?) I was having pretty lackluster phone conversations for a while there, and of course this would have to coincide with me getting to know a really nice guy from one of the dance things I do. Yep. (Also I kind of have a thing for this girl in my English seminar, but she is, whether fortunately or unfortunately, heartbreakingly straight. Ah, well.) Anyway, I was starting to feel like I didn't love M the same way anymore, but I knew that I would either have to bring the whole issue out into the open when I went to see him this weekend or totally supress it, because otherwise me not wanting to do much of anything would seem pretty abnormal. On top of that, I had to come out to him, because I never actually told him that I was bi, and pretty much all of my freinds know by this point.

Then I stayed at my parents' house for a week. Read living hell. My poor younger brother is still in high school and the three of them bitch and scream at each other constantly. I basically barricaded myself in the attic or went out with a few high school friends who stuck around all week, but it did make me remember that M was essentially the main person who got me through all of that family crap intact. I found prom pictures of us around the house and stuff, and it was all very emotional. On the other hand, danceboy facebooked me about a party I'm invited to at his college, and it spiralled into a really long conversation we kept up all week, ending in him offering to drive me back to school after I visited M. I accepted, of course, considering that otherwise I would have had to take a 5 hour train trip with a lot of luggage, but it was kind of awkward.

I continued feeling somewhat lukewarm about M when I visited him, as he and his roommates played a lot of videogames, etc. (even though I actually do like football, so it wasn't that awful. And it was a cute videogame, but still). I ended up spending a fair amount of time with my friend from high school who goes to school with M. However, M and I went out to dinner yesterday night and had a pretty nice time, and then later went out for milkshakes, over which I finally told him I was bi. Somehow, that totally fixed everything for me. I guess I was subconciously worried about that the whole time. I was suddenly totally into him again, so yay. And then his roommate would NOT LEAVE, even though we were being fairly obvious about the fact that we were in M's room and not to sleep...so eventually we just got fed up and had sex anyway. Which was kind hilarious and awkward, but whatever. At least his bed doesn't squeak the way mine does...

I did have a really nice time driving home with danceboy. He's very sweet, and we have good talks. But I can't really see that continuing into a relationship, exactly, and obviously I don't really want it to. So I think I'm safe with him now, which is good, because I can't really avoid dancing with him, etc.

Yeah. So I'm fine again, but I'm not really sure why all of that had to happen. Oh, well. At least I'm finally home now, and I get to see him again in 3 weeks,
dj-bizmonkey
hi ladies, thought i'd give this thread a little kick in the bum. so is everyone planning on seeing their long-distance honey's over the holidays?

i'm counting the days, aaaargh. it just can't happen fast enough. we're going to be having alot of ninja sex too, because we'll be at my parents house and my bedroom is directly above there. we've got some fun stuff planned though. a trip to the recreation of the parthenon in nashvegas, to the frist art center, and if we're feeling really adventurous, perhaps a trip to the creationist museum in petersburg, ky. bwahahaha. sorry. i can't help it, a whole museum dedicated to "scientifically" proving the genesis story. again, bwahahaha.

for NYE we're renting a cabin in the mountains with some of my best college pals. it's going to be ab fab. we've got the top floor all to ourselves, a king size bed, jacuzzi tub, private balcony. MAN. i wish i was there right now. we've been lucky this fall, being able to see one another about once every 5 weeks. after this holiday trip (which is about two weeks long, thank goodness) we won't be together again for two months. it's going to be rough. but, as always, best to focus on the positive.

how are you ladies doing out there? anything new to report?
starkitty
Ninja sex. I like that. And the cabin sounds wonderful.

As for me, I'm afraid M and I have fallen apart. He didn't want to come down here for the weekend about two months ago, and that led to a long discussion in which we realized he wasn't actually in love with me. *sigh* Now I'm seeing E, who lives about half an hour away. So I guess I'm back to being a lurker in this thread. smile.gif
starkitty
Oh, ironically, though, I am seeing M over the holidays. Should be interesting. Our mutual best friend is having both of us over. *shrug*
edie52
Hey, good to see some action in here! I haven't gotten any action in over 3 months now... but that'll all change soon. He'll be here in less than a week. I'm incredibly psyched and a little nervous. I'm just hoping that we feel normal and comfortable around each other. In the summer we were so in synch with each other and this is a different time and place. But like I said, I'm mostly just really, really excited. I'm already planning to buy all his favourite food and bake a pie (too Mom-ish?). And I bought a really pretty new skirt. I hope he doesn't get annoyed with me for being too excited and wanting to show him everything and teach him the language and stuff.

The NYE trip sounds awesome, dj-bizmonkey. It's great having stuff to look forward to together. Two months is a long time, but it's also totally doable. After 3 months I can say that, yes, it was long, but we got through it really well and I think our relationship is stronger than ever. Of course in hindsight it always seems less torturous (and man, these next 6 days are going to be torturous, I tell you what). But if you keep positive and communicate a lot, and also keep busy with other stuff, it should be okay. It also really helps to have a date when you know you'll see each other next to anticipate. I know when J booked his flight I immediately felt better, like "wow, this is really going to happen, and now we know exactly when."

Ninja sex is hawt.
dj-bizmonkey
((starkitty)) what a bummer! but atleast you figured out what was going on before you were ass-deep in it, ya know? and dating some one new already? and they are more convienently located? well, you can't beat that with a stick.
i hate recent-ex reunions, awk to the ward man. no thank you. luckily my ex's are spread out all over the US and i hardly ever get/have to see them.

ooooo, you lucky dog you edie!! less than a week?! i know exactly how you feel, every day is like never-ending agony. you're totally right about communication and staying busy. that's the key to making time fly. over thanksgiving i was freaking out because my bf hadn't bought his ticket yet!! i was paranoid that he would procrastinate and then the prices would be outrageous. i ended up putting it on my credit card (he's payed me back already) since i make a lot more money than him right now, but it was SUCH a relief once i knew that the ticket was taken care of. you're exactly right, it makes it seem more final, more real.

i wouldn't worry about being to 'momish,' my experience is, men love food, especially home made food. and if he loves you, then all the things that get you excited are sure to get him excited. i'm sure he's curious about your new life over the pond and is going to want to see all your favorite places. i wouldn't worry about being 'too excited.' you've been seperated for three months for crissakes. i don't think there's such a thing as being too excited. i'll expect a full report afterwards. ENJOY!!
edie52
Don't worry, you guys'll get a full report whether you like it or not! smile.gif However, him being here means that I'll be BUST-ing way less often (I'm not hiding anything on here, but I prefer for it to be a private thing... I guess you know all about that dj-bizmonkey).

He gets here tomorrow. After discussing all the possibilities with a friend of how weird it might be or what could go wrong, I realized I just need to chill and let it happen and also be excited. The weird thing about being separated for 3 months is that not seeing him has become normal. I think I wanted to see him more after one month had gone by. Of course I REALLY want to see him now too and would be crushed if he couldn't come. I would say that tomorrow's gonna be a long day (he gets in at night), but besides having a meeting with an advisor, I have plans to bake a pie, vacuum, scrub my body with honey, etc... it'll go by quickly enough.

Plus, anytime I feel nervous about it I just think "I get to have sex tomorrow!" And see the man I love. Yay!
dj-bizmonkey
oh yeah edie, you gotta be careful with your BUSTing, and we certainly won't hold it against you for not posting for awhile. i know i generally fall of the face of the planet when i'm around my bf. i HATE having to wait around for a flight to come in, especially if it's late at night. as long as you've got plenty of plans to keep you busy, right down to anal cleaning details like organizing your sock drawer (i do this sort of thing) you should be fine. and yes, chill out friend! it's going to be great to be together again so just enjoy it!

the bf has been keeping me up so late at night. we were on the phone until 4am last night. i can't take much more of this though. i've got a big math exam this afternoon and have alot riding on it. sigh. i wish he was coming tomorrow. i've got exactly two more weeks until momentary bliss.

enjoy your visit to the maximum miss edie!
sexysandee
I recently began dating a Colorado man and I live in Texas. I was under the impression that we were just friends that were casually dating and then to my suprise and dismay he said he loved me. huh.gif I have so confused. He asked how that made me feel and I was literally speechless. I teach 9th grade, I am never speechless, but this did it. I have no idea what to say. I didn't want to make him feel bad so after the 10th time of him saying it I sent him a little text message that said "luv ya" at the end. Was that wrong? Am I missleading him?

I am also a bad gift receiver, does that make sense? I had when men that I am just beginning to date give me gifts, I tend to over analyze the gifts. So, he sent me a diamond pendant necklace in the mail. unsure.gif My first thought was to give it back. He is coming to visit for New Year's, but now I don't know what to do. I thought I would maybe sleep with him. I've never even had sex with him, but now I really don't think that is right.

sad.gif mad.gif blink.gif <----those are all my emotions right now.

I am sorry if this is a little choppy, but I am lost.

Any sugesstions......please
themeiu
Sexysandee,

I would say, just be totally honest about where you're at. Let him know that you hadn't realized he was serious and his words threw you off balance a little. Saying 'luv ya' is definitely not the same as saying the big "I Love You" and he probably knows the difference. And don't let his feelings pressure you to say it before you really mean, because you will just regret it and it would end up hurting him more. Saying it will make you feel like you can't be honest in your relationship and will cloud your actual feelings and not allow them to develop naturally if it's going to happen. It makes it harder that he is long distance too; lots of time to over analyze.

I did have one bf the popped the big three words after we'd only been dating a couple months. He was going off to Iraq and had never been in love before. But I had just come out of a really long relationship and knew what love felt like. So I replied with something along the lines of "I know that I'm not ready to feel that way yet." But his reaction was SO strong that I ended up chickening out and telling him I loved him and even managed to convince myself that I meant it. For awhile. I ended up breaking up with him a few weeks after he left while he still had some 9 months let on his tour and devastated him. I will alway feel bad about that. I actually ended up going to a museum thing with him the other day (I was going with friends and didn't know he was going to be there). And I still couldn't look him in the eye and it's been 5 years. We are civil, but that's it.

As far as sleeping with him, I would say play it by ear. If you feel like you really want to, then go for it. Just make sure he understands where you're at and is comfortable with it. If you're feeling uncomfortable or feel like you should do it, I'd say skip it.

sexysandee
Thank you for the advice smile.gif

I am going to be honest and just try to breath for a little while.
He says he can't wait to see me so he may come up this weekend; asked that he wait until after Christmas so that he could spend time with his family. He said that would be okay. We shall see.

Thanks again,

Sandee
edie52
So. My boyfriend's been here with me for a week and a half now. To say it's been a disaster would be a gross exaggeration... but it's been a complete emotional rollercoaster.

I'm totally happy to see him, still in love and attracted to him, and all that, and I think he feels the same, but there are a number of other factors at play. The city I'm in is grey (we haven't seen the sun in over a week, I'm not kidding) and the days are very short ("sunset" at 3 pm). I think this is making us both very cranky. Then there's the fact that we were so used to and good at our long distance thing, and hadn't seen each other for over 3 months- it's a shock. And the whole imbalance of him being here, on what's now my turf, with no friends or purpose other than ME. I've been feeling a lot of pressure and responsibility, and fear that our relationship is going sour, and I've been crying uncontrollably.

Okay, that sounds bad- when I say I've been crying uncontrollably, I don't mean every day- but it's happened a few times. The other thing is, we've been arguing a bit, which we never did before. So while I know it's normal I'm probably blowing it out of proportion. We don't so much argue as get into these subtle ego wars where we're disagreeing and we're both convinced we're right, and we want to prove it but in this passive-aggressive way. Especially when we cook, because he's a good cook and is pretty proud, I guess, and I'm in the learning stages and defensive and sensitive about it. I got super annoyed and insulted when he kept changing the temp. on something I was making even though it was something I'd made before and he hadn't (I know he'd be annoyed if I did that). He even claimed not to have an ego, which is obviously bullshit. I don't think he has a big ego, just that our egos are emerging. And he's saying he's not annoyed or bored and I kind of think he's lying. In his defense I think he just wants to give it more time before deciding that there's a problem. But it makes me feel like a crazy person who blows everything out of proportion.

We've had a few good talks about everything, our expectations, that it's normal that things are different and we have to readjust, and I think we're on the same page. As of yesterday I feel a lot better. In a few days we're leaving for Berlin, so I'm hoping that will be wonderful and exciting and it'll also be more balanced (both of us traveling, in a place we've never been, etc). We both agree we need more alone time (now we're together 24/7 in a small apartment, and before we didn't live together), but when he suggested that he'd do some traveling by himself I freaked out, saying "you've only been here a week, and we're already talking about this." And in Feb. he'll be crossing the ocean again, so I want to make the most of this... but he paid to come over here, he should do what he wants, and it's becoming clear that he doesn't want to spend too much time in this city, where I have to be for school (at least part of the time). Anyway, I know he was just making suggestions of possible solutions to this "problem" that we keep talking about, which is simply, I guess, that we're annoying each other and we weren't prepared for that...

Whew! That felt good. Thanks to anyone who read all that. I needed to get it all out because the few friends I had here have left town for the holidays. And even though I've only talked about the problems I'm glad he's here, and we're looking forward to Christmas, New Years, traveling, meeting up with other friends in other cities. I'm beginning to see things more clearly.
likeanyother
edie, I think everything that's going on between you two is quite natural and should be expected in your situation, although I understand that that doesn't make it any easier. I went through what you're going through on a much smaller scale this summer. My boyfriend studied abroad in Ireland for 7 weeks. We have kind of a 'rollercoaster' relationship to begin with, plus I'm the kind of person that starts to think really pessimistically if I don't have anything blatantly positive to go on. (Such as, if he's busy with school or other friends and I don't see him for a few days, I automatically start to think 'oh shit' he's sick of me, met someone else, is trying to be distant on purpose, etc etc, when actually, he's just busy with other things.) So anyway, yeah, he was in Ireland for 7 weeks and it was hard at first, but we emailed eachother like every day, and after a while just got used to the situation. But then he went off traveling for a few weeks and I didn't hear from him and started to get those creeping, negative thoughts. When he came back, it was great to see him again, but after the initial reunion things started to feel really weird and tenuous, like we had to renegotiate everything and get used to eachother all over again. Plus just the small changes that a person goes through in a couple months, and for him even bigger internal changes from being another country, meeting all these new people... he was changed, and we both had to deal with that. The fact that things didn't instantly go back to how they were (and really, couldn't ever go back to exactly how there were) was expected, but still difficult to work out.

So yeah, I don't know how long you were together before, but to go from a very long-distance relationship to instant, non-stop closeness is pretty huge. There are things that are going to have to be worked out. There are the huge expectations that you both have (but don't necessarily talk about openly) is a major thing. Plus combine that with the small stuff, the changes you've both gone through individually, the way you're going to interact with eachother, that adds up to a lot to deal with... I don' t know (I'm not very insightful, sorry) but I just think it sounds like you both care about each other enough and both want it work, and you're doing as good a job as you can in a tricky, uncertain situation. Enjoy it when you can, and good luck, I'd love to hear how things go in the future!
dj-bizmonkey
(((((edie)))))

i know how painful re-entry can be, but i'm glad to hear that you are in a better mental place about the whole thing. i think it's difficult to be in a small apartment 24/7 with anyone, let alone the boyfriend you never lived with and haven't seen for 3 months.

let's examine the facts here before we spiral into unnecessary negativity. first off, y'all are still together. he made a committment to you across an OCEAN, he wants to be with you, that is plain. he also paid a fairly large sum of money to come and see you. i know it's not good to measure things in monetary value, but the average person doesn't make that kind of investment for a quick fling. right now he probably feels vulnerable and not in control because he is, as you said, on your turf. he doesn't speak the language, he doesn't know the sights and sounds. i think traveling will be good because it puts you on a more level playing field in terms of all that.

my bf and i fight way more when we are together than when we're apart and it's alot of the same kinds of things. we aren't passive-aggressive, but we definitely get into ridiculous ego wars over the stupidest things. afterwards we're always shaking our heads like, 'god, we are idiots!' i think it's more difficult to fight in LDR's because everyone moment together is so precious and has such impetus that you don't want to fuck it up. it's not like you can fight, be mad at eachother for a week and it will all be okay. he could be on a plane at the end of that week, so there is this pressure to not fight and to resolve any fight with haste, which isn't always the best solution.

my advice, as always, try and focus on the positive and not freak out, because you could inadvertantly push him away. he's going to be there until february?!! you lucky dog! i am so jealous. but, if that really is the case, then you've still got at least six weeks together. i think you could concede a week to him to travel around. i think it will also be easier when you are back in school and you don't feel responsible for entertaining him all the time. good luck edie! i hope it all works out in the end!
starship
sorry to interupt the line of convo..
I'm in a LDR and we don't get to see each other that much (student= time/money issues) so I was wondering if you ladies had any ideas of little things I could do whilst we're apart to keep things good? It's especially hard right now as he works during the night and I'm usually studying during the day. When one of us is asleep the other is awake. Bit of a schedule clash and it's causing problems because it's hard to both be online/on the phone at the same time
crinoline
starship - it might seem corny, but what about writing letters? I mean snail mail. There is nothing quite like receiving an actual piece of paper with your beloved's actual handwriting on it. You could include photos or little scraps of things from your day, to include each other.
dj-bizmonkey
i with crinoline on this one, letters are a fantastic way to keep in touch. in fact, my current ldbf and i got started on letters. i thought i was in for a quick vacation tryst and it turned into something more because he wrote me a letter. there is nothing equal to holding something in your hand that the person you love made and put thought into. i like the idea of having little gifts inside too. i used to send my bf photos or pressed flowers or leaves. he would make special sketches for me and include them.

the other important thing is to MAKE time for one another, even if it's just one night a week. no matter how busy you are, you can always carve out a few hours to spend together and not worry about anything else!
edie52
Hey all! I can't really write now but I just want to thank Ms. Djbizmonkey and likeanyother for your input. You guys were right, everything we were experiencing was normal (I knew that, but was still very upset by it all, also, it's my pms week). We've talked it out more, had a nice Christmas dinner last night (I let him have the glory of preparing it while I lounged in the bath, I made the dessert the day before), he gave me 2 books that really show how well he knows me, and now we are packing for Berlin. I can't wait, I also can't wait to get my period so all the tension within me is diffused (I feel that way every month).

Happy Holidays everyone!
special k
sounds like everyone's happy...I recently stumbled upon the whole Lounge, this is awesome...I'm a completely green newbie

just wanted to say I'm going to see my boything TOMORROW! He's coming for more than a week (longest we've ever spent together..what happens when you start out in a LDR). Incredibly excited..we're going to spend a romantic week together working on our respective dissertations..and catching up on missed physical contact!
dj-bizmonkey
i'm glad things worked out for you in the end, edie, remember to take deep cleansing breathes!!

welcome special k!
edie52
Hey all... just checking back in. I've missed Bust! I even dreamt about it. Anyway, I just got back from my trip. You guys (and I) were totally right, things were instantly better as soon as we hit the road, more balanced and all of that, I think it was the best trip I've taken. We saw 5 cities in as many countries in just under 3 weeks. Plently of things went "wrong" (as they will when you don't really have a set plan but have to catch trains and find places to stay and navigate in new places where barely anyone speaks english), but we didn't fight at all. It was fun and romantic and exciting.
likeanyother
Edie—that’s freaking awesome. Five cities/5 countries/3 weeks with the boy you love, I’m SO damn jealous! And no fights? That’s downright amazing. Last summer I traveled through England/Scotland/Ireland with my boyfriend and even though we did fight (mostly about superficial crap) I think that’s when I really fell in love with him, although I didn’t even realize it until I got home and reflected on everything. Traveling together is pretty intense, and I think it’s one of the best ways to find out a lot about someone and about your relationship, and if it goes well it’s one of the best ways to cultivate intimacy. Anyway, I’m glad it went well for you.
sexysandee
I have fallen for my Colorado Man wub.gif
He is coming into town this weekend. We do get frustrated due to the fact that we cannot see each other all the time.
I think most of my aprehension came from the fact that I am afraid to move away from my home town.
He has a son and I cannot expect him to move so the burden falls upon my shoulders....you see, I keep calling it a burden, I shouldn't think of it in that way. I need to just follow my heart.
I am so lost, I have never moven to be with someone before and I think that I will miss my family greatly.
My friends keep telling me that I need to just go and see; the worst thing that could happen is that I move back to Texas. They make it sound so easy.

wacko.gif I'm a big mess of mixed-up emotions and all I want to do sleep right now. I don't feel depressed, but I was up all night writing my thoughts down...Uph!
starship
sandee- In my situation neither of us are really in a position to move right now so I understand the frustration all too well:(. Perhaps you could try a sort of 'trial period' before you take the plunge. You'd get to see how things go and how well you cope without having the pressure and finality that comes with moving away to a different town. Might help you clarify a few things aswell?
edie- you can also add me to the jealous list.wow
edie52
Hee. Yeah, well, it wasn't perfect. There were snags, and I think there were times when we were both annoyed with each other, but we worked together rather than against each other. We found out we actually make a good team- he has a really good sense of orientation and direction and reads maps super-well, and I have a knack for remember words and names and figuring out little details. And we're interested in doing the same kinds of things when we're in a new place (a lot of walking around, going to market halls and munching on cheap food, some galleries and tourist stuff but no pressure to "see it all"). It felt good to have that affirmed after going through some weirdness when he first arrived.

He's coming back here tonight (he stayed an extra few days), and I'm a bit nervous because this is the place where everything was weird before. But I'll try not to worry too much because I think that's what made me kind of psycho in the first place.
sexysandee
I'm giddy... tongue.gif ...my Colorado man is coming into town tomorrow laugh.gif

I may just do my happy dance.... yes, I actually have a happy dance biggrin.gif
starship
sounds like it was just what your relationship needed after the previous glitch edie! It's great when you get to find things out about someone that you never could have through emails or phone calls. You can talk for hours on end about every imaginable subject but there are some things you just have to find out for yourself smile.gif. and I'm sure things will be easier at your place this time because of the experience too- let us know how it all went
sexysandee- enjoy wink.gif
silverhalide
I need some advice. Recently in December, A guy that I used to date and that I cared for got back in touch with me after 4 years. We met in 1999, kept in touch and two years later started a long distance realationship..i went and saw him, we talked on the phone etc..it was a very special and sweet sort of relationship. When I moved to Chicago in 2003 he told me that he thought it would be best to just be friends. I said I was fine with that and I would love to just remain friends. He stopped responding to my e-mails etc..and to make a long story short I told him he was a flake and that was it. I then contacted him a couple years later and apologized, (basically a sort of closure e-mail) asked him how he was doing etc.. and told him that he didn't even need to respond. He didn't. I tried about a year later, no response. I just had this feeling, I just wanted to see how he was. I pretty much came to the conclusion that he thought I was a nut or something and gave up. Then out of the blue he e-mails me this past December and we have been chatting on e-mail. I don't have the nerve to ask him why he contacted me. I felt this instant connection with him, when I met him..it's just weird. Even with my previous relationship I wondered how he was. I am just wondering, what do you think? Any similar experiences? Should I ask him why he contacted me? I don't know if it's important because maybe he just felt the same way, wondering how I was.
newo_ikkin
My guy's coming home for the weekend and it's been 3 weeks since I went up to visit him. Naturally, this week is passing horribly slowly. Thank goodness I have enough homework to keep me busy til Friday night, right? ha...
sexysandee
I am making the trip for Colorado the weekend of Valentine's day. Part of me is very excited, but I am also a little worried that this will be the big trip when I decide if I am going to move or not.... ugh!!!
geekchickknits
Hello hello all.....

I'm hoping someone can advise me, as I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

In November, I met a man through my work - I live in North America, he lives in Africa, and we work for the same company, although in different sections. In many ways, I out rank him. We had an instant connection, and he pursued me, but I didn't think he was serious and told him I had a policy of not seeing people I worked with. He gave me his email, and although I send him one or two, I never heard back.

Flash forward to February - we're in the same city, working together again for about 4 days. He was still ardent in his pursuit, and said he never got my emails. He convinced me to go out on a date with him, and we talked, got to know each other, and fooled around a little bit. He told me he wanted to start something with me, but understood all the complications. I told him we should be discreet, stay in touch and see other people.

Since then we have been chatting online and emailing everyday, and there is an opportunity to spend a day or two together before he goes back to South Africa. I am taking the opportunity. So....

Do we be discreet for those last few days? Is there actually any real potential for a relationship? Is this something I need to talk to my boss about? There are so many issues - we work together, we live on opposite sides of the globe, we are only just getting to know each other....

I have not had feelings this intense for someone for a long time, and I am very unsure of what to do. I think it would be different if we could have spent several months together and then be separated, but.....that's not how it fell out.

Thoughts? Anyone?
starship
geekchick- i dont see why you need to tell your boss about it. Plenty of people have relationships with colleagues. The distance thing however is far more of an issue. Give it a try and see how things go and develop but make sure u approach the situation with caution. Long distance relationships can be hard but if you think it could work out you have nothign to lose in trying right? My boyfriend lives only 200miles away and in the same country and even that is unbelievably difficult. Its probably best not to get in to a deep emotional relationship if there is no chance of being together properly somehow in the future though. Also, could he have not replied to your emails deliberately and only pursued you when he knew youd be in the same country. Maybe he isnt looking for a long distance relationship himself? Every relationship works out differently so noone can say whether it will or will not work for you. Sounds like youre really into him so Id say give it a try but just be a little wary of what you could be getting yourself into. Goodluck smile.gif
dj-bizmonkey
i think that every relationship is different and that it is possible to form a connection with some one in a relatively short period of time. however you need to examine what a possible future with this guy would be like. are either one of you financially stable enough to make at least one or two cross-atlantic flights a year to visit? if not, i don't think it's a good idea for you to get involved in anything serious. you probably won't be able to sustain a strong connection if you are seperated for more than a year with no physical contact.

that being said, my boyfriend and i first met and were together for four days and then wrote letters back and forth for nine months. .we definitely weren't exclusive for those nine months, but we were able to maintain a repor. he came to visit me for a couple weeks in costa rica and that was it. we were in love. now we've been together for nine months and although the distance is unbearable, at least he's still on the same continent! we've seen each other for fairly long visits four times since he left costa rica last june, and if all goes well he will be moving here in may.

so it is possible to do it, but you have to ask yourself if you think it will be worth it. it certainly isn't easy and both people have to be giving equally to the relationship or it will dissolve. good luck!
geekchickknits
starship - I had thought that this was maybe an "only while he's in the country thing". What made me think it isn't is that when we said goodbye in my hometown, neither one of us thought we'd see each other again while he was here.

dj-bimonkey - I think had I the motivation I could save up for trips. I have a connection at an airline, that while not allowing me to travel for free would get me the best rate possible. He supports his large family (he's the eldest and both his parents are dead) and so I feel that's less of a possibility for him. Something always to be aware when dating someone from another country is that he may be trying to get citizenship - he has already mentioned moving here....

I've already decided to keep it discreet while we're in mixed company, and that we should see other people, even if we're going to try and make it work.....I mean.....a girl's got needs....
geekchickknits
I also meant to say thank you both for your advise and insight! If you have any other thoughts, please share!
edie52
Let us know how it goes, geekchick! I agree with most everyone, definitely no need to tell the boss (esp. at this stage). I would just go with it- stay open, but don't have unrealistic expectations. Sounds like that's what you're doing.

So, after a (pretty great) 2 months together, the boy went back home and I'm still here. Actually, we're further apart than ever now, because he's on the west coast visiting family. Not that it really matters, an ocean's an ocean, right? But we've barely spoken since he left (almost 2 weeks ago), because on any given day he could be at one of 4 places, and since I'm kind of shy I don't always feel like making small talk with his mom/dad/uncle/brother, even though they're all nice people, so I don't call around. And I don't have a land line at my new place, so I can only call with Skype or my cell, which, using a calling card, isn't so bad, it's just that our methods of communication are beginning to feel more and more impersonal, you know? Even emails are less frequent than before, because depending on where he is or what he's doing he might not have access. I know that he's doing more important things than being at my beck'n'call, like seeing his family (most of whom he hasn't seen for half a year or more) and his hometown. But it's lonely over here. I'm away from home, have few real friends, the weather is grey, I live with a couple.

Sorry, just venting. How are y'all holding up?
starship
((edie)) sorry to hear that. Ive had a period of poor communication with my bf too recently and it pretty much sucks. Im sure things will get back to normal with your relationship once everythings settled down for him. Im sure he misses you and is desperate to talk to you more too smile.gif. Things are getting a bit better again now with my bf- Im seeing him in just over one week and then again for my birthday at the end of the month hopefully smile.gif. You should post loadsa pics from those 2months over your wall to brighten up the greyness in the meantime smile.gif. I hate making small talk too, especially on the phone. Which probably isnt the best of traits to have when youre in a LDR lol. Maybe you could write him a long letter if youre feeling lonely and have some free time. Hopefully youd get one back which is always nice and makes long distance relationships feel a lot closer and more personal...Im getting more and more frustrated with the distance issue in my relationship. The worst thing is that I know its going to remain that way for the near future. And Arguments always easily get blown out of proportion when youre online/on the phone. In person youd do something silly or have a cuddle but you cant do that over msn so petty arguements arent diffused so easily
So much for it being a small world eh...
edie52
Thanks for your thoughts, starship. It's nice to hear from people who are going through the same thing.

Your advice to write a letter was good, and it totally reminded me, I have to figure out what to send him for his birthday! It's his 25th, so it's kind of a milestone. I'm going to send him a package with a letter, some photos, a tape or CD, and... i dunno, maybe a few more small things, but it can't get too heavy or it'll cost a fortune. I also think I'd like to send something a bit more substantial, maybe a nice book. I guess if I order it from Amazon I could get it sent directly to him, but then he'd see the bill... so I could get it sent to my old place and have my old roomie wrap it and give it to him... would that be weird? Or cool/unexpected? Not sure.

I also have a friend who works at a record store, I had this great idea to order a few records (vinyl) and then have my friend call his house saying his order is arrived, and when he says he didn't place an order my friend would say that it's paid for, he just has to pick it up. The 2 guys vaguely know each other so he'd catch on, but I still liked the idea. Unfortunately I couldn't find any of his favourite artists on vinyl in their database...
newo_ikkin
ugh... communication.
We recently got rid of our home computer because my mom and I both have laptops, but mine always kicks me off instant messenger with no way to get back on. I hate spending so much consecutive time on the pc anyway. My boy is usually horrible at talking on the phone (can't have anyone else around, no tv, no computer, driving is so-so, so basically he has to be walking to or from class). I guess our most reliable line of communication is text messaging, which is nice when our schedules don't line up at all, but it's really hard to have an actual conversation. I guess what keeps me sane is knowing that it's only going to be like this for a couple more months til he graduates, and we've made it like this 2 years so far, still crazy for each other. It definitely helps having the end in sight.

When we go more than a couple weeks between visits we tend to send each other letters. We've both kept everything that we've sent each other. We're not big gift people, but those are some good ideas edie. I think music is the best gift ever.

Whenever we do speak on the phone, we always end with figuring out when the next time to talk would be best for both of us. Sometimes its only 5 minutes a day, but we're both really busy so neither of us are stressed out like "maybe he's avoiding me!"

In conclusion: poo on distance!

edie52
Newo_ikkin, at least both of our bouts of distance are coming to an end in a few months! And in a few weeks my boy will be back home, where I can call him at his place whenever I want, and there's only a 6 hour time difference instead of 9.

It drives me crazy when he doesn't check his email for a day or 2! Days go by with no response, and I want to send more emails because I have more stuff to say to him, but I don't want to bombard him, I want the communication to be balanced and equal.

I wrote to my friend at the record shop, and he's willing to help me. So for his birthday my boy will be getting vinyls from 3 of his favourite artists! And a few more small things that I'll send from here. I wish I could be there. Oh well, he said he's not crazy about birthdays anyway.
geekchickknits
It sounds like everyone's going to be seeing their LDRs soon - awesome! I'm going to get to spend two days with mine before he goes back to Africa, but one of those days is in a work capacity. *sigh*

edie, that record shop idea is brilliant! It's great that you've got a friend to help you out in that way.

newo_ikken, I hear you about the communication. It's difficult to make small talk, and you're just so happy to hear their voice, but to talk about anything big......at least I'd rather do it face to face.

I'm also prepping myself for the communication to drop off once he's home. Right now, we're chatting online/skyping pretty much every other day. Once he's home, he' doesn't have internet in his house - most people don't, so that will be contingent on how often he can get to a web cafe. He says he's going to try to write 2-3 times/week. I'd say phone would be an option, but the time difference is pretty dramatic. I just wish we'd had more time together before he goes!
starship
Im starting to wonder why i even bother. My mums been really ill so Ive been taking care of her a lot and things have just been generally stressful lately. Tonight the bf decides at the last minute not to go to work and is now pissed off because i couldnt just drop everthing and talk to him online all night. He's only ever available an hour or so a day because of his work and yet he gets pissed off at me if im not free at that time. I probably work more hours than him studying and have a lot of other stuff on at the moment too yet all he seems to care about is his situation. Even so I usually make sure im free when he's about. Im sick of his selfishness. He's lucky to be 200miles away right now...
I hope everyone elses relationships are going better than mine
edie52
Sigh. I dunno about that, Starship, mine's not much better. Maybe it's some weird astrological thing.... I guess we should wait and see.

I'm bummed because he hasn't written in days. And I saw that he's been on facebook, so he's not on a nature retreat or anything. I sent him an email the other day, and I'm above sending multiple emails with no responses in between (I want a dialogue, not a monologue!). So now I'm just waiting. And my fears and insecurities are getting the best of me. The rational part of my brain tells me that if our relationship is strong enough or "meant to be," then it will be, and if it isn't it's best to just move on anyway... but I can't shake this shitty, sinking feeling.

It sucks. I feel like if I was there we'd get to see each other and have fun, rather than feel obliged to sit in front of the computer, and if something was up I would be able to sense it. I feel like I can sense it halfway around the world but it might just be my imagination.

starship
I think it's natural to assume the worst when you're left to fill in the blanks yourself. guess you just have to try not to over-think things until he gets in touch. Definately think you're right not sending him a flood of emails though- especially as hes been on facebook, phft. But hey, Im sure there's a perfectly good explanation which you'll get soon enough
My bf just told me his internet's getting cut off tomorrow. Which is fantastic considering our relationships going crap as it is. Im sure barely any communication will do wonders *rolls eyes*. We're supposed to be seeing each other in a few weeks so im just gonna let it go over me until then and just see what happens when we're actually in the same room for a change...
edie52
How's it going, ladies?

I guess I might have overreacted. He sent me a couple sweet emails since I griped a few days ago, and I felt better... but now, again, none in a couple days, and we haven't spoken at all in literally a week! (Seems very long to me.)

So I'm starting to feel worried again- I mean, I expressed to him in an email that I really wanted to talk, I'd had a bad day, I'd been worried, etc. He said that he'd tried to call me... but with this time difference, I guess some planning is in order for phone calls. I'll suggest it, but it really makes me feel like I'm putting way more effort and thought into this. My impression now is that he's not really making much of an effort in the communication dept.- and that is everything in an ldr, non? He was so good about it before... it's weird.

I'm tempted to send (another) email now, completely expressing how I feel- I'm not getting what I need right now, and everything else I said above. I so don't want to be the desperate and/or demanding gf, at the same time I want to say it in the name of honesty. Though I'd really prefer to say it over the phone rather than send another string of ones and zeroes into the abyss. It's just that the way things are going I have no idea when we'll speak. Thoughts?
auralpoison
*driveby*

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING APART! He's come to visit, but it's not enough. I am stupid in love with him, but I can't help it. I am tired & my skin is so hungry!
likeanyother
Hi edie, I say call him, and if you can’t get a hold of him by phone, send him the email expressing what you’ve been holding in. The worst that could happen is that he could tell you that you’re right, he’s losing interest (though I doubt this is the case), or that he’s dealing with some stuff that’s preventing him from making contact with you, which would be hard to hear, but at least then you’d know and not have to wonder about it anymore. The only other possibility is that you could wake him up to the fact you’re feeling really unhappy with the lack of communication lately and that you need more to feel okay about the relationship. Either way, you relieve yourself of the apprehension.

On the other hand, if you hold it in you’ll have to deal all these things you’ve been worried about on your own, still be apprehensive because you don’t know what’s going on with him, and still not know whether or not you’re driving yourself crazy over nothing! So basically, I vote that you tell the boy what you’ve been thinking.
edie52
Thanks, likeanyother. I decided to send him an email after my last post. I didn't want it to be too heavy so I wrote general stuff about what's going on over here, and then I wrote a small paragraph about how the communication feels very one-sided, and I'm NOT giving him shit, but I need more, and we will talk about it next time we speak.

I don't really think he's lost interest either- but the fear is always there. I think (and know) that he can be a bit flaky, and that he truly is busy seeing many family members he rarely gets to see.

So back to waiting. I hate waiting for emails. As soon as I've sent it I'm like "what's taking so long?" Whereas it might be a day before it even gets read.
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