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edie52
Oh, crino, I struggled with that too, remember? and now I'm not in the LDR anymore, so I don't know if I have any good advice! We went through cycles: me getting pissed off that he didn't call or email (or feeling like I was always the one making contact), me trying to play it cool and hoping he would come through, then breaking down and crying about it, him being half-apologetic but also not quite understanding what the big deal was, and then things getting better for a few days before the cycle recommenced.

Have you tried talking to him and explaining how you feel and that it is so, so important to you that you guys have an ongoing dialogue, even when you're apart? You can try letting him know that even a quick email or call is better than nothing, because it's a loving gesture and it shows that he's thinking of you.
geekchickknits
crino, do you two ever video call? Maybe that will make it easier for him, since you're not just talking to the person in your mind's eye, you can actually see them.....

Sometimes that does require pre-planning, kind of like a date. Maybe try scheduling time in your schedules to talk? I know people tend to be against stuff like that because it's not romantic and spontaneous, but I often finds it helps to take the pressure off since you're not wondering when/if he's going to call.....you already know!
crinoline
Thanks for the advice, ladies!
I'll reply in more depth when I have alone computer time
crinoline
QUOTE(edie52 @ Mar 11 2008, 05:25 AM) *
Yeah, Starship, I know how hard that can be... those 2 days can seem endless... anyway, take your own advice! Stay busy, and try not to dwell on the negative.

I became so neurotic last week that when we finally did talk I was mostly just complaining- about how our communication isn't what it used to be, and then about other issues (money, school) that have been stressing me out. He tried to help but after while he straight up told me I was being negative and it was really hard on him. I needed to hear that... now I think things are getting better. It's hard when you're long distance because what is said on the phone (or in emails) is kind of it. If we were together he could get annoyed by my complaining but then we could cuddle, have sex, eat food, go for a walk... and things would feel positive again. I think I'm going to be mindful about staying positive on the phone or in emails, since it's all we have at the moment.


I am having the same problem. When I call him and all I hear is silence on his end of the line, I get this unholy urge to spill all of my fears and worries. Then he gets mad and doesn't want to talk anymore (not that he was doing much talking in the first place). I've even stooped to cajoling him into saying something "sweet" , like I could get his affection on command. Our conversations are so one sided that I occasionally just stop talking to see if he'll fill in the silence, but it just stretches on forever, until one of us says "well,..." (usually me). I've tried telling him that communication is important to me, but he says that he can't think of anything to say. He seems to really have nothing to say to me, ever. He's not a talkative guy IRL, but when we were in an LDR before he at least made SOME effort. Now I feel like he figures "hey, she'll still be there in a month, why bother now". *sigh* Him taking me for granted has long been an issue with us (for the past two years) so it's really nothing new.

As for the video chat, that's a great idea, but I'm living at home with my family right now, so we have a shared computer in the middle of the house, and I have virtually no free time. I have a large, loving family, and many demands on my time while I'm home (everyone wants to spend time with me while they have the chance). If I had my own compy, it would probably work great.

On the bright side the boy is coming down this weekend, so I'll get to see him. I tried to arrange a "date" for us, but he wasn't interested. He wants to hang out with our friend we only see in the summers instead. So at least I'll be near him, even if we aren't alone. I just hope he'll want to sneak off at some point for some park-the-car lovin' (flashback to high school). I even got my hair cut and am surprising him with my new "sexy secretary" glasses he's always talked about wanting to see on me, in the hopes that he'll finally have something to say.
xLOVELY
Hey girlies.

Well, I'm haven't been on here in a long time but I want to start coming on the forums some more again. I have a boyfriend (our 6 months today) who lives in Kentucky (I live in Virginia) and I'm very experienced with 'long distance/online' relationships so if you ever need any advice or have questions feel free to hit me up! I'm always willing to talk or help other girls out in similar situations smile.gif
starship
Thanks xLOVELY smile.gif

Crinoline why dont you try sending him a sexy lil pic on his mobile phone. Men can be very visual and whilst he may feel embarassed about phone sex, a few nice pics should get you some attention and remind him that he shouldnt take someone so fabulous for granted. nothing hardcore or anything but just a little reminder of how lucky he is and what he's missing. and youll definately be getting your roadside rendezvous wink.gif
I went to visit my boy today and he's coming to see me soon too smile.gif. a big improvement on how things have been lately so im kinda happy right now. Things werent looking so good before and i felt too depressed about it to even post on here. He's not working ridiculous shifts anymore and ive finished university for summer so we both should have a lot more time to put into it too. hopefully anyway
Hope you're all doing good smile.gif
dj-bizmonkey
soooooooo, hows everybody doin'? i haven't been in here in a long while because, well, my relationship is no longer LD it's just R. now we're dealing with all the fun domestic problems of living together. things are more good than they are bad. we fight about the stupidest stuff. yesterday he (half-joking) accused me of purposely not washing his jeans to spite him. they were in a pile of my clothes on a chair, not in the laundry basket. for me on the chair= clean, too lazy to put away yet, laundry basket=dirty. it made me irate i almost threw a turkey burger at him.

but i digress.......edie, how are things going for you now that you are back at home with the boy? i've been thinking about you, wondering how your transition has been, probably because i'm going through something similar.

crinoline- i'm not usually one to advocate playing games, because i think the best way to deal with a problem is to confront it head on. however, i think you might benefit from 'cutting him off' for a little while. if you feel like he's taking you for granted, don't give him the chance to. stop calling. stop worrying about it. he will come around, (though it make take longer than you'd like) and say, 'hey! where's my girlfriend?' it sounds like you two have been together for awhile and are secure with one another. if you keep chasing him and being disappointed by his behavior, you are just going to resent him more and more. that will build up and you might blow a fuse over something insignificant (being accused of spiteful laundry behavior perhaps wink.gif ). he's off doing his thing, you should start doing yours. enjoy the free time you have, enjoy not having to factor him into your daily life. be a little selfish, do the things that make you happy that maybe he doesn't like or isn't able to participate in. adopt his attitude of 'he'll be here in a month.' i'll bet you a nickel that if you back off for a bit, he'll come limping back to you, 'why haven't you called me? why haven't you written?'

how are the other LDR's going?

i will be back in here alot more come august, when my man returns to the great white north for his last year of school.
edie52
Aw, it's nice to know you've been thinking of me... actually a few weeks after I returned he took off on vacation with his family. That was a few weeks ago but he's coming back soon. It kind of sucks being apart again, but 3 weeks is really nothing when you've gone months and months. And it's given me a chance to find a job and get organized (somewhat).

When I got back there was, of course, another transition. It's been mostly good and we were even talking about moving in together. There were just a few times that I freaked out about things not being "the same" as last summer (when were just falling in love and knew I was leaving, so, duh, it was really intense and different). He handles it well; for the most part he's really comforting and wonderful.

The other crappy thing was that he was working a super-intense job which he'll probably go back to, which left him tired all the time and needing to go to bed early. I tried to be understanding but at one point I accused him of not being interested in me, sex, etc. All in all I feel like our relationship is now in the "reality" phase, suddenly, way more than last summer or when we were in an LDR. Maybe that's what you're feeling too, DJ? I think this is normal, and totally deal-able is both people are willing. It just feels more sudden when you're transitioning back from a long-distance relationship.
dj-bizmonkey
i'm glad to hear that things are going well for you edie! i definitely think we are experiencing some of the same transition issues. not only are we past the 'falling in love' stage where its all butterflies, but we've moved on to the banal domestic stage where i am dealing with dirty socks and facial hair in the sink on a daily basis.

i hope things continue to go well for you and your man. don't worry too much about things being 'how they used to be.' focus on how they are in the here and now. relationships are like beings, they change, grow, learn and change some more. me and the bf's sex life has slowed as well. at first it was him rearing to go all the time and me putting the brakes on. now we've reached a happy medium. everyone says that sex slows down as a relationship progresses, but we still maintain about 6-7 times a week, which i think is plenty.
edie52
Dude, 6-7 times a week? That's pretty good!

*hoping to get some tonight*
dj-bizmonkey
that's what I'M saying, but sometimes it's like he's keeping score! i hope you did get some.....
thirtiesgirl
I thought I'd weigh in on the subject since I'm currently in a LD...erm, sort of R. Things are still VERY new, so we're actually just in the dating stage right now and I can't really call it a relationship, even though he's the only person I'm dating at the moment, and I think I am for him, too.

We met online about a month ago, spent some time chatting via e-mail and on the phone, and then had our first date two weeks ago. He lives 5 hours away from me, in the city of Turlock which is in the northern part of the central California valley. It's basically due east and inland of San Jose, near the cities of Merced and Stockton. He drove 5 hours down to see me, and offered to drive on the date, too.

He's a divorced dad of 2 very cute kids, 8 year old daughter and 10 year old son, and seems like a good dad to them.

Since our first date, we've continued to e-mail and talk on the phone. He seems very interested, which is a good thing, and has asked for a second date. He told me that he really likes me and finds me intelligent and attractive. It's been a while since anyone's said that to me with any sincerity, so I'm kind of over the moon about him at the moment.

...The thing is... he lives in Turlock. I don't know a whole lot about the central Cali valley, but from what I've heard about it (particularly Turlock, Merced & Stockton) is that it's not very exciting and it can get unbearably hot there in summer. The guy has pretty much confirmed this when he's told me about the area. Where he stays because his family lives there, and his ex-wife, who has visitation with the kids, is there, too.

So I pose a question to any Busties out there who might know: does anyone have any experience of these areas? Lived there for a time, have family in the area, etc? I'd be interested in an opinion, if anyone has one.

I've never been there myself (yet), except for one trip through the Stockton area (I believe) a few years back, at night on a road trip down to LA from Portland. We didn't stop and I didn't see much of it, since it was dark as we were passing through.

So if you've got any opinions or knowledge of the area, I'd love to hear it. Thanks a bajillion. smile.gif


rubberdollz
QUOTE(thirtiesgirl @ Jul 11 2008, 10:55 PM) *
I thought I'd weigh in on the subject since I'm currently in a LD...erm, sort of R. Things are still VERY new, so we're actually just in the dating stage right now and I can't really call it a relationship, even though he's the only person I'm dating at the moment, and I think I am for him, too.

We met online about a month ago, spent some time chatting via e-mail and on the phone, and then had our first date two weeks ago. He lives 5 hours away from me, in the city of Turlock which is in the northern part of the central California valley. It's basically due east and inland of San Jose, near the cities of Merced and Stockton. He drove 5 hours down to see me, and offered to drive on the date, too.

He's a divorced dad of 2 very cute kids, 8 year old daughter and 10 year old son, and seems like a good dad to them.

Since our first date, we've continued to e-mail and talk on the phone. He seems very interested, which is a good thing, and has asked for a second date. He told me that he really likes me and finds me intelligent and attractive. It's been a while since anyone's said that to me with any sincerity, so I'm kind of over the moon about him at the moment.

...The thing is... he lives in Turlock. I don't know a whole lot about the central Cali valley, but from what I've heard about it (particularly Turlock, Merced & Stockton) is that it's not very exciting and it can get unbearably hot there in summer. The guy has pretty much confirmed this when he's told me about the area. Where he stays because his family lives there, and his ex-wife, who has visitation with the kids, is there, too.

So I pose a question to any Busties out there who might know: does anyone have any experience of these areas? Lived there for a time, have family in the area, etc? I'd be interested in an opinion, if anyone has one.

I've never been there myself (yet), except for one trip through the Stockton area (I believe) a few years back, at night on a road trip down to LA from Portland. We didn't stop and I didn't see much of it, since it was dark as we were passing through.

So if you've got any opinions or knowledge of the area, I'd love to hear it. Thanks a bajillion. smile.gif



Hey thirtiesgirl...

I just popped into this thread and thought I would share my story with you. About 4 years ago I met a guy on myspace, we chatted on the phone and via IM for over a year before we finally decided to meet. He lived in Stockton, CA and I'm from Michigan. He decided that it was best for him to come out here then for me to go there. We met, completely fell head over heels for one another and 1 month later he moved to Michigan. About 3 months later we were married. I have been married previously and we agreed to go to Vegas and do something completely fun and non-stressful. I'm his first marriage and he was really cool and understanding about me not wanting anything big or crazy. Even my first wedding was super small and close, but totally stressful.

Anyways about 1 year later we finally decided to take a trip out to Cali to see his friends and family. We stayed with his friend in Stockton and then went to his parents house a few times (which was his house when he lived there). I'll tell you... it was not anything I was used to. Given that Michigan and California are 2 completely different states, it was still very weird for me. His family didn't really live in a good neighborhood so even that part was a whole new experience to me. I found out at that point why he didn't want me to come out to Cali to meet him.

Per my husband, Stockton (where he is from) can get up to 105 degrees. If you are looking for a big city life then those cities are not the place for you, but if you want a nice smaller town kind of feel than those are the cities to look into.

If you have any specific questions about those areas let me know and I can ask my husband. He is originally from Los Angeles but when he was old enough to move out he started to head north and finally ended up in Stockton where he had lived for quite a few years prior to us meeting.

I hope this helps you in some way!
thirtiesgirl
Thanks for the info! I hope it's ok for me to send you a PM and ask a few more questions.

Funnily enough, just last year I was chatting online with a guy from Michigan. Great guy, and TOTALLY my kind of cute, but he was one of those typical long-distance chatters who never had any intention of meeting in person and preferred to keep things at arm's length, online. And I was completely breaking all my rules of long-distance e-mailing by continuing to communicate with him. I finally had to stop chatting with him which really broke my heart. Although I know it wouldn't have worked out anyway because his family & friends, to whom he seemed very devoted, are all in Michigan, and he's kind of a momma's boy, so I doubt he would have ever left. Which I would have needed him to do because I can't take cold weather, anything below 40 degrees. I'm a big wuss that way. Ah, well.

QUOTE(rubberdollz @ Jul 24 2008, 06:07 PM) *
Hey thirtiesgirl...

I just popped into this thread and thought I would share my story with you. About 4 years ago I met a guy on myspace, we chatted on the phone and via IM for over a year before we finally decided to meet. He lived in Stockton, CA and I'm from Michigan. He decided that it was best for him to come out here then for me to go there. We met, completely fell head over heels for one another and 1 month later he moved to Michigan. About 3 months later we were married. I have been married previously and we agreed to go to Vegas and do something completely fun and non-stressful. I'm his first marriage and he was really cool and understanding about me not wanting anything big or crazy. Even my first wedding was super small and close, but totally stressful.

Anyways about 1 year later we finally decided to take a trip out to Cali to see his friends and family. We stayed with his friend in Stockton and then went to his parents house a few times (which was his house when he lived there). I'll tell you... it was not anything I was used to. Given that Michigan and California are 2 completely different states, it was still very weird for me. His family didn't really live in a good neighborhood so even that part was a whole new experience to me. I found out at that point why he didn't want me to come out to Cali to meet him.

Per my husband, Stockton (where he is from) can get up to 105 degrees. If you are looking for a big city life then those cities are not the place for you, but if you want a nice smaller town kind of feel than those are the cities to look into.

If you have any specific questions about those areas let me know and I can ask my husband. He is originally from Los Angeles but when he was old enough to move out he started to head north and finally ended up in Stockton where he had lived for quite a few years prior to us meeting.

I hope this helps you in some way!

rubberdollz
QUOTE(thirtiesgirl @ Jul 25 2008, 01:14 AM) *
Thanks for the info! I hope it's ok for me to send you a PM and ask a few more questions.

Funnily enough, just last year I was chatting online with a guy from Michigan. Great guy, and TOTALLY my kind of cute, but he was one of those typical long-distance chatters who never had any intention of meeting in person and preferred to keep things at arm's length, online. And I was completely breaking all my rules of long-distance e-mailing by continuing to communicate with him. I finally had to stop chatting with him which really broke my heart. Although I know it wouldn't have worked out anyway because his family & friends, to whom he seemed very devoted, are all in Michigan, and he's kind of a momma's boy, so I doubt he would have ever left. Which I would have needed him to do because I can't take cold weather, anything below 40 degrees. I'm a big wuss that way. Ah, well.


Yeah we definitely have weather well below 40 degrees! ha ha ha.

My hubby definitely is still adjusting to the weather out here and it's funny because when it snows he's always like... look it's snowing! He is still so amazed by it. I guess 30 something years in California will do that to ya!

I will get back to you on the email probably sunday. I didn't get home from my tattoo until late and my hubby is in Chicago right now for the rest of the day/night. I'm going to enjoy the alone time!!!!

I think most men are momma's boys just some are worse then others. My husband was a huge momma's boy and he is very family oriented, it always surprised me that he was able to move out here and leave his family.
thirtiesgirl
Cool! Hope the tattoo went well and at least semi-painless.
kissmeducky
My boyfriend and I survived a long distance relationship (between Boston and DC) our first year of college. The first semester we tried out an open relationship and the second semester we closed it again. It was really difficult but I don't regret it because no matter how taxing it was it was better than not having him at all. The open relationship was especially difficult but I think it was a better idea than to try and enter college in a committed relationship, realistically. We averaged seeing each other for a weekend a month, plus a month long winter break. Sometimes it got incredibly lonely, but we made it work.

Now there's a little over a month left of summer vacation and it's time to make the decision all over again...
thirtiesgirl
Just thought I'd share some new information. The LD guy in Turlock seems to be shaping up to be a good one. We're planning our second date for next weekend, and we've continued to talk on the phone and e-mail. He called me the other night on the phone out of the blue. He'd planned to call me later in the week, but had a really bad day at work and just needed to talk it out. I was glad to be there for him, and glad that he felt comfortable enough to call me when he was feeling down. He said he hoped I wasn't freaked out by his unplanned call, but he wanted to talk to me because I'm important to him. *SWOON* ...Well, ok, maybe I didn't exactly swoon, but my heart melted just a little. Which is no mean feat for this cynical old biddy.

...Sheesh. I haven't been here in a while, with a guy who really seems like a good one and is truly interested in me. I've just had so much rotten luck with dating in the past 7 years, I kind of don't know what to do with myself. The fear of screwing things up hasn't quite taken hold of me, but I'm sure it's not too far in the offing, especially if our second date goes well. Gah! I'm such a mess.
rubberdollz
QUOTE(thirtiesgirl @ Jul 31 2008, 04:14 PM) *
Just thought I'd share some new information. The LD guy in Turlock seems to be shaping up to be a good one. We're planning our second date for next weekend, and we've continued to talk on the phone and e-mail. He called me the other night on the phone out of the blue. He'd planned to call me later in the week, but had a really bad day at work and just needed to talk it out. I was glad to be there for him, and glad that he felt comfortable enough to call me when he was feeling down. He said he hoped I wasn't freaked out by his unplanned call, but he wanted to talk to me because I'm important to him. *SWOON* ...Well, ok, maybe I didn't exactly swoon, but my heart melted just a little. Which is no mean feat for this cynical old biddy.

...Sheesh. I haven't been here in a while, with a guy who really seems like a good one and is truly interested in me. I've just had so much rotten luck with dating in the past 7 years, I kind of don't know what to do with myself. The fear of screwing things up hasn't quite taken hold of me, but I'm sure it's not too far in the offing, especially if our second date goes well. Gah! I'm such a mess.


You know what is kind of funny, something similar happened to my husband and I before we met each other and I'll tell you it was the turning point in our relationship.

My ex-husband decided to pay me a late night phone call about a year after our divorce. He was blabbering on about how much money he made and how he wanted me back and blah blah blah (I kind of felt like one of those Peanut kids when they listen to adults talk). I finally told him that I wasn't interested and NO was definitely the answer. He got pissed off and decided to call me white trash and tell me good luck in my trailer home. So I hung up on him and needed someone to talk to but it was really late at night. Probably getting close to midnight??? So I called my best friend at the time who was sleeping and I talked it through but he was tired and I could tell not very interested. He asked me if I felt better... I lied and said yes and we got off the phone. I still really needed to vent because I was feeling shitty and pissed off, my ex really knew how to make my blood boil. I ended up calling the guy (my husband now) and we talked for like 7 hours! At the end of the phone conversation I was totally smitten, I knew that if someone could take that much time out of their day/night to talk to me about anything and everything that person was more to me than what I had realized. He felt the same. After that we talked constantly and months later is when he flew out to meet me in person and then shortly after we were married.

Now I'm not saying that marriage is on the horizon but knowing that someone is there for you when you need to vent is really important because that means they trust that you listen and are there for him. Hopefully if you ever need that in someone you find that he would do the same for you... night or day.
thirtiesgirl
That is a great story, RD, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience with your ex-husband. What is it with asshole men, that they think they need to *prove* it to us by continuing to treat us like shit? We got the message the first time and kicked your ass to the curb. You think we're going to fall for it again? Ugh.
rubberdollz
QUOTE(thirtiesgirl @ Aug 3 2008, 11:27 AM) *
That is a great story, RD, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience with your ex-husband. What is it with asshole men, that they think they need to *prove* it to us by continuing to treat us like shit? We got the message the first time and kicked your ass to the curb. You think we're going to fall for it again? Ugh.



Hey you know honestly.... things happen and I wouldn't be who I am today without the experience I went through with him. I learned a lot about myself and that it is ok to be alone. He really dragged me into the ground and made me think I was nothing without him... once he was gone I had some major realizations about myself and basically told him where he could go, unfortunately it was over and over again but you know I never gave up the fight to get him out of my life for good. Without him I don't know if Ramon and I would have had that talk that night? Experiences lead us in so many different directions.... where would we be without them!?!?!

I won't lie I wanted him back so bad for a while but over time he kept making it easier and easier for me to keep saying no. I always told myself throughout the divorce that I was not going to cause drama, I was going to get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible and when he calls I will be as cool and calm as possible so he has no reason to talk shit about me to others and say I'm psycho. You know it worked... until one day I lost it and you know, he didn't surprise me in the least. He called me a cunt and that was that.

Nuff said.... right.
thirtiesgirl
Yeah, I hear you, RD. Any guy drops the C-bomb on me and he's out of my life for good. Friend, boyfriend, booty call; I don't care. He doesn't get to use that word with me.

Pardon me while I drift away on a vanilla scented cloud of happiness for a moment, but date #2 with the long distance guy just recently concluded. No, he didn't spend the night, but he stayed at a hotel nearby and came over this morning to say goodbye before driving back to his hometown. We hung out all yesterday afternoon & evening, went to Hollywood, did some shopping at Amoeba Records, had dinner at Musso & Franks, drinks at the Frolic Room, and then walked down to Mann's Chinese to see the new X-Files movie. Very touristy, I know, but he was kind of into having the Hollywood experience, so to speak.

This is where the vanilla scented cloud of happiness comes in. Toward the end of the evening, we started holding hands. I know it might sound silly, but I haven't held hands with a guy in a long time. I haven't dated a guy who *wanted* to hold hands. I haven't dated a guy who was really interested in dating *me* and not just my pussy. Not in a long time, anyway. The last time I did, the guy was into holding my hand. Just that simple gesture that says 'I like you' and not 'hey, lets go to your place and screw' (which has it's merits, it must be said, but in my experience, not when it comes to finding and maintaining a LTR, which is what I'm trying to do now).

So we were walking down Hollywood Boulevard, and our hands would periodically bump into one another as we navigated around tourists. And finally, on our walk back to Mann's Chinese, he took my hand and guided me through the crowd. And then in the theater, we held hands through practically the whole movie. He was gently rubbing the tips of my fingers and, as silly as it sounds, it was actually kind of turning me on...and kind of melting my heart, too. It was so sweet and tender, it was really working it's magic on me. (Like I said, it's been a loooong time since someone's held my hand.)

This morning when he came over to say goodbye, I noticed that my physical attraction to him had gone up a notch or two. We hugged for a long-ish period of time and I kind of didn't want to let him go. ...*dreamy sigh*...

I have to admit that I'm really scared of this, though. I haven't been here with a (seemingly) good guy in a long time. I'm a jaded old biddy and I've been on my own for a good long while, so I think I'm afraid to want something again too much. I'm afraid to let myself feel it for fear of losing it or not being able to keep my cool around this guy and allowing my neediness to get out of control. I'm trying to take it a step at a time. And this was only date #2, so I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be freaking out this much. But I think he likes me - he really, really likes me! (thank you, Sally Field) which is so great and so scary for me at the same time...I really don't know what to do. (Aside from talk about it with my therapist and blather on about it here.) Gah! I am such a goddamned mess.
rubberdollz
I don't think you sound like a blathering mess! You sound like a girl who has met someone she really likes and is like a kid in a candy store right now. hehehe.... I think that is great! I think it's ok for you to feel nervous and have a semi-guard up considering this is only the 2nd date but things can only go up or down for you. It sounds like he is definitely doing all the right things for you and even if things don't work out you are at least having fun right now and that's what really counts.

I think your vanilla scented cloud is a good one to be on. I remember being like that with my husband before we met. The butterflies, the nervousness... the unsure feeling of when the first kiss might happen.

You just need to roll with this, let time tell you what is going to happen next and don't stress. If you feel that having your guard up is a good thing then keep it up. You will know when the time is right to let it down, safety first!
thirtiesgirl
Thanks for the words of support. I think the distance in this long distance thing is starting to get to me. I'm feeling kind of blue because the guy hasn't called all weekend. He was going to call on Friday night, but he has his kids this weekend and they kept him busy until he fell asleep. He called me Saturday night, but I was on my way home from the movies and missed his call. I called him back, but he was charging his cell phone, so I got his answering service. He e-mailed me later to say he'd fallen asleep again after having movie night with his kids which was why he hadn't called back. ...And then same thing tonight. He hadn't called, so I called him and got his answering service again. I think it's too late for him to call now, so I doubt I'll hear from him this weekend. I'm at school late most days of the week, so it will probably be another week before we're able to talk on the phone. Ach. Bummer. Freakin' distance.
geekchickknits
My LDR and I are officially over. We're still going to be in touch and stay friends, but we both have stopped thinking that we're ever going to be able to be together as a couple. It's just not realistic. AT ALL. Which is sad, but I'm happy we both feel the same way, and I told him how much he means to me, and that he will always have a friend in me.

(For those who aren't in the know as I haven't posted in here for a while, we don't just live in different cities....we live on different continents, in different hemispheres. He has a son and a large family, and therefore cannot move to my country, and there is no real potential for me to move to his country, and to be honest, with the political situation there, I wouldn't want to.)

Anyway, sad, but I knew it was coming and the right thing, and now that we've talked about it, I can truly move on.
thirtiesgirl
Geekchick, I can identify with the feelings of sadness and relief when ending a LDR that's not growing into something stable. You know it's the right thing to do, but it still sucks. I've been there more times than I care to count.

And I really hope I don't get there again with the new LDR guy. I'm beginning to fall for him in a big way. After a week of playing phone tag and infrequent e-mails, we finally talked on the phone last night and it was really good. He told me I'm special to him, that he's physically attracted to me and that he thinks I'm pretty. And he said all those things sincerely, without resorting to jokes or disguising them with flirtation. Not that I mind a little flirtation, but its nice to hear someone say them sincerely, too. No one's told me I'm pretty in a long, long time. I feel like such a girl. A pretty girl. No joke.

And I know it sounds like the shit that guys say. The stuff they say without any meaning, with the intent to fool you and improve the possibility for sex. But I'm willing to suspend my cynicism and disbelief for this guy. I'm starting to let my guard down. Because he really likes me. He says so, and so far his actions have shown it.

This is the first real good thing I've found in a long while and I hope it continues to grow in positive ways.
thirtiesgirl
Ok, more blather from me on the LD thing. I'm going to visit the LD guy tomorrow, 5 hours away, and going to see Nick Cave in SF (I'm so damn excited about that, I can't even begin to tell you!). I'm really looking forward to seeing the guy, but I'm nervous about where the evening will go. On the plus side (well, it's kind of a weird plus), I think I'll be so tired from the drive up and a really long workday today that I won't have energy to do much more than a make-out session, which will helpfully keep me from jumping into things too soon, as is my wont, and give us some more time to get to know one another.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling kind of down, though. One of the kids at my school ('my' kid, a kid I've worked with and counseled) got hit by a car, a hit & run accident, broke his leg and fractured his pelvis. He's been in the hospital for 3 weeks, having surgeries and recovering. He won't be back to school this semester. I went to visit him in the hospital the other day and it just killed me, seeing him bedridden and just completely shocked and depressed that he's stuck in the hospital and can't come back to school. He's got great care, and his mom hardly leaves his side, but it just makes me sad, the more I think about it. I'm hoping my tiredness tomorrow won't result in a big tearful discussion and comfort sex. I could easily see myself getting all sloppy and going there, but I'm going to try my best to hold myself together and not do something for the wrong reasons.
period_monster
i've been in a ldr for two years now. we originally lived in the same town, for the first year and a half,
but i moved for grad school. the distance is getting harder and harder to deal with. i offered to cover our
expenses if she would just move here. that way she could continue paying down her debt. she has a
considerable amount of debt from before we got together.

and she turned me down. this leaves me so frustrated, i'm just sitting here shaking with
anger. i don't understand why she turned this offer down... i don't know what more i could offer,
and am left feeling like i am the only one who cares about us moving forward. ugh.

just needed to vent. thanks.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(period_monster @ Sep 23 2008, 12:20 PM) *
i've been in a ldr for two years now. we originally lived in the same town, for the first year and a half,
but i moved for grad school. the distance is getting harder and harder to deal with. i offered to cover our
expenses if she would just move here. that way she could continue paying down her debt. she has a
considerable amount of debt from before we got together.

and she turned me down. this leaves me so frustrated, i'm just sitting here shaking with
anger. i don't understand why she turned this offer down... i don't know what more i could offer,
and am left feeling like i am the only one who cares about us moving forward. ugh.

just needed to vent. thanks.


As someone who carries not considerable debt but bad credit, and having been in a financially imbalanced relationship before, that kind of interpersonal debt can put even more strain on a relationship with the distance. Talk to her about it again, and see if you can find out what her reasons are for turning down your offer. It may be something you can negotiate (ie. repayment plan (to you), sharing of expenses based on percentage of income, etc)
period_monster
thanks geekchickknits. i'll try to talk to her again. she keeps saying that she fears she will become even more in debt. yesterday when we were speaking about this, our conversation was mostly the two of us sticking to our talking points, without much actual dialogue.

i think that this may have a lot less to do with finances and a lot more about unresolved trust issues. we have had a couple of breakups and this may be residual effects of my general impetuousness.
thirtiesgirl
Augh! The LD guy just got a DUI! Which means that he may not be able to drive down to see me the weekend of October 10 as he planned. I mean, the whole thing sucks for him, having his license on suspension, attorney fees, and spending several hours in the drunk tank, and he's not sure what this will mean for him at work, if he decides to tell them. He's hoping he can get a provisional license for work, because he has to do a lot of driving for his job.

...Which is what got him in trouble in the first place. He's a social worker for kids who live in group homes. Last night, he got an emergency call for a kid who was in crisis, throwing a fit. He went to see the kid and got spit on, punched, and had to restrain the kid for a good 15 minutes. (These are kids with emotional and behavioral issues, so sometimes they lose it and get physical during counseling sessions.) Afterwards, he went to chill out at a local diner, get a burger and have some beers. On his way home, he was driving and texting the group home manager, to let her know about the situation. That's what got him in trouble. He swerved while he was texting, a cop saw him and pulled him over. He was doing ok until the cop asked him to stand on one leg and count to 30. He wobbled, so the cop breathalized him, and he blew over the limit. That got him sent to the drunk tank for a few hours. His license is on probation, but he's got a temporary license until his court date on October 29. He also had to pay $1200 for attorney fees, and $265 to get his car out of the tow lot. He is not a happy camper right now.

And neither am I if this DUI affects our plans. I know it's a relatively minor mishap, and I certainly know he's not a drunk. He likes a drink now and then, but he's never shown alcoholic behavior and I don't believe he is. This was a texting problem, which he shouldn't have been doing while driving. He's done things like that before, which he's told me about, and I've warned him against it. The crazy thing is, he's saying "I'll never have another drink again!" when it's not the drinking that was the issue, as far as I'm concerned. "I'll never text while I'm driving again!" would be more appropriate.

Alright, I need to stop being selfish about this and give him a call to make sure he's ok. (He sent me an e-mail about the DUI.) Why do bad things happen to good people?
auralpoison
Um, I'm sorry your sweetie got popped, but he was kinda askin' for it wasn't he? He got behind the wheel after a few beers, enough to set him over the limit & then decided it was a good idea to text while operating a two ton piece of machinery. He's lucky he isn't in a state where texting while driving isn't a crime because that would have cost him even more money.
thirtiesgirl
Well, the cop didn't realize he was texting. The cop only saw him swerve. By the time the cop was writing the ticket, the cell phone was put away. I'm not supporting drunk driving by any means, but I know the guy's limit and he wasn't drunk. There are many towns in California where the cops pull you over for the slightest issue. I know; I grew up in one. My younger brother got pulled over as he pulled out of the parking lot of a local bar. He wasn't swerving or weaving; the cop was simply waiting on a side street for people to pull out of the bar lot and then pull them over to breathalize them. That's how he got his first DUI. Had the cop not been waiting to shanghai him, he would have gotten home just fine. Sounds like the cop who pulled over my guy was being a little overzealous, too.
auralpoison
Hey, you can slice it any way* you like, he still did two incredibly dumb things & they bit him in the ass. It's not "Why do bad things happen to good people?" it's "Why do good people do such stupid things?"

*sp edit on any way
konphusion26
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Sep 30 2008, 11:07 PM) *
Hey, you can slice it anyway you like, he still did two incredibly dumb things & they bit him in the ass. It's not "Why do bad things happen to good people?" it's "Why do good people do such stupid things?"


Right, I hate to chime in here but - AP is right. I know some cops just wait for the slightest thing to pull somebody. I agree on that. But your boy didn't make the smartest decisions to drink and get behind the wheel. Or text while driving. Come on now. Can't blame the cop for this one. Not to mention, the whole "bad things happening to good people" thing, shouldn't even really apply here. It sucks that he got in that much deep doo-doo. He's really lucky it wasn't worse.

I'm sorry I have a thing about people doing silly stuff while driving. My father also drinks and drives, and I'm scared to death he's going to hurt someone. Even when he's had one or two beers. Driving is dangerous enough sober.
auralpoison
That's pretty much where I was coming from, Kon. Many excuses can be made, but ultimately *he* still fucked up.

I have a major thing about drinking & driving, too. When I was going through my mom's gear, I found out she'd gotten a DUI. Sure, the bar was a straight shot home, sure she could drink anybody under the table, sure the cops were lurking, but in the end she's the one that chose to get behind the wheel.

My mom's bf drinks & drives all the time & even though I can't stand the moron, it scares the hell out of me that he's on the road & visibly drunk even if he's just driving thirty miles on a dusty country road.
thirtiesgirl
I'd argue that if he'd been drunk, I wouldn't have an issue with it. As it is, I don't believe he wasn't drunk. The drinking limit in California has shrunk from .10 to .08. He blew a .09. And the only reason he was asked to do the breathalizer test is because he couldn't balance while standing on one foot and counting to 30. Otherwise, he did fine on the field sobriety test. I don't know anyone who can balance on one leg for an extended period of time, drunk or sober, unless they practice yoga every day.
zoya
yea but he still got behind the wheel and texted. He could have pulled over to text. I'm guilty of driving while texting, and after almost hitting someone when I was full on sober while doing it, I either don't, or I pull over if it's really important. And we've all heard over and over and over on public service announcements, and from friends who've had the same thing happen, that if you don't wait long enough, one beer can make you blow over the limit. I'm guilty of having driven while drunk, and I'm not proud of it, so I'm not coming from some holier than thou place...

...where I am coming from, however, is experience of having been in a long term relationship with someone who I ended up making excuses for to myself, and not being honest with myself about reality. And that ultimately fucked with ME. Just to make it clear, I'm absolutely NOT implying that your boy is any kind of a fuck up. It sounds like he's really cool and responsible and just did a stupid thing, like we all do sometimes. What I'm saying is that I think that in relationships, honesty is not just with each other, but with ourselves about the other person and also how we see/approach things in the relationship. I think it's really important to be honest with ourselves about situations, even little ones, and not have rose coloured glasses on. It took me a long, painful time to learn that, and I would always tell people I care about to accept things for exactly what they are in a relationship. I think that it helps with our own personal growth to do that, and that can only make things even better in the relationship.

I know it might sound like I'm making it a bigger deal than it is, but that's not my intention. I just don't know how else to articulate it.... This isn't about him, it's about you. I know that you're really frustrated and upset that it's going to impinge on your ability to spend time with your boy, and I'd be bummed out at the whole situation, too. But the facts are, he got behind the wheel and texted while driving, and having had a couple beers and the chance he *could* blow over the limit. Thus he got a DUI. I'm not saying you should do anything about it - there's nothing to do. Just pointing out that I feel that it's important to be totally honest with ourselves about stuff - especially in the early stages of a relationship, when we should be taking note of the other person to see if they are indeed someone worthy of progressing forward with us.

ps - I'm not saying this to come down on you, I've just been following you talking about this guy, and I'm really rooting for you to have a great, healthy relationship with him. I'm just imparting what I've learned about steps that help me with finding a healthy relationship, hoping maybe it can help you in finding one too!
auralpoison
My cod, Zoy, but some days I am shocked at your eloquence.

What she said.

I don't think I've ever driven drunk because I've always lived in a metro area without a car. Drunk on foot, drunk on the bus, drunk in a cab, yes to all. When I did have a car I got pulled over once because I didn't have my lights on (My dash didn't light up & I was freaking out because of some junkies & forgot.) & I smelled like beer because a drunk kid spilled it on me. I did the whole rigamarole, got breathalyzed & nothing. The disappointment in the cop's eyes when he had to let me go was visible. Some cops are *total* assholes.

I hope this doesn't fuck with his life or your life too much. My friend got a DUI not too long ago & she's being randomly piss tested, has alcohol classes, community service, is paying out something like $10,000, & is on a heavily restricted DL.
zoya
shocked? why are you shocked?! you know I am an eloquent mothafucka. wink.gif

hahahaha!
auralpoison
Okay, shocked by the sheer cavernousness, no, Mariana Trench-like depth of your eloquence. There is no emoticon for bowing before you in your infinite glory.

But I am bummed for ya, Thirties. From what I've read the guy has his shit together & ya'll get along like gangbusters. I'm sure this will work itself out in the end. ~*~*~ LD guy good luck vibes ~*~*~
thirtiesgirl
Well, thanx for the input ladies. What I'll say is this: having dated my share of functioning alcoholics and drug abusers, I now know the signs and this guy hasn't shown them. I don't believe I'm looking at the drinking part of his DUI with rose-colored glasses. And I completely agree with you, Zoya, about texting while driving. I don't do it, nor do I call on my cell phone while driving. I have mentioned this to the LD boy a few times, and called him on it when he called me from the road last month while driving. I said it to him on the phone last night, too: that I don't believe it was a drinking issue, but a texting issue. He, on the other hand, feels like complete shit, was even afraid that I'd never want to talk to him again, and swears he'll never have another drink again. He's also very afraid of possibly losing his job if he needs to reveal the DUI to his work place, which will be a necessity if he loses his license after his court date at the end of this month. He's hoping his attorney can get the DUI knocked down to a smaller charge, so that he's able to keep a temporary license until he finishes alcohol awareness counseling and whatever else the judge sentences him to do. He needs his car for work, since he travels a lot as a social worker. Without a license, he'll be forced to reveal his DUI to his employer, which will cost him his job. He's a single dad raising two kids, plus paying alimony to his ex-wife (who owes him $39,000, which she's unable to pay since she doesn't work), so he can't afford to lose his job.
thirtiesgirl
I guess I'm keeping this thread alive. Heh. Well, last night on the phone, I finally told the LD guy what I think of his cock, that it's THE most perfect cock I've ever experienced. He's had a rough couple of weeks - the DUI, and then this past Monday, he was counseling a kid who suddenly threw a tantrum and punched him in the face, and then two days ago, he got a new kid on his caseload who is currently off his anti-psychotic meds and thinks he's Jesus Christ (literally), so the guy had a prolonged counseling session with him... so I felt he could use a bit of a pick-me-up. Responding in kind, he said I have really nice breasts (finally) and that he likes how wet I get (which was also something he mentioned in the moment). He also said several times how much he really misses me, which was good to hear, since I'm very much on the same page and practically experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I've been missing him something awful.

And I'm glad to hear that he was noticing the boobs, since I really wasn't sure what his take on them was from our last date. So now I'm all a-flutter, feeling a little bit of that goofy giddiness when you first start seriously crushing out on someone you're dating. It's going to be at least another month before I see him, though, so I'll soon be back to feeling like a sad, abandoned old biddy. I know it's not true, but it's still hard to keep from feeling that way.
thirtiesgirl
Yes, I'm posting again. I'm majorly bummed right now. Earlier this week, I found out about a rather exclusive Halloween party at the Magic Castle in the Hollywood hills and I invited the long distance boy to come with me. I needed to know by today if he'd be able to make it, since the RVSP list for the party closes today, and I just found out that he can't. He has his kids that weekend and the ex-wife won't take them, and I guess both his parents are busy.

For those who don't know, the Magic Castle is a Victorian mansion built in 1909, initially a private home. In the 1960s, it was turned into the Magic Castle, a private clubhouse for the Academy of Magical Arts. All the members are magicians, or comedians and actors who are also magicians. The only way you can get into the Magic Castle is if you're a member of said Academy, are with an Academy member, or have a pass from an Academy member. Inside, it's a Hogwarts-like maze of rooms, secret staircases, bookcases that turn into doors, plus a restaurant, several bars/lounges and small theaters where magic acts are performed. (I know this because I visited the Magic Castle a few years back with a guy I was dating at the time who happened to be a member. It's a really cool place inside.)

They're opening the Magic Castle to a small portion of the general public (well, the general public who are in the know, shall we say) this Halloween to throw a party to benefit children's cancer research. It sounds like it would be a really fun time, but I don't want to go by myself, so I won't be purchasing a ticket. No Magic Castle for me this Halloween. ...No sex either.

Poo.
EllaMinnowPea
They're opening the Magic Castle to a small portion of the general public (well, the general public who are in the know, shall we say) this Halloween to throw a party to benefit children's cancer research.
[/quote]

That sounds wonderful. It's a bummer he can't go, but why don't you go anyway? It sounds like you were really looking forward to it.
MissE13
Anyone here read Feministing.com? There was an interesting article on there today about LDRs...

Date Local

Thoughts?
thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(EllaMinnowPea @ Oct 20 2008, 07:38 PM) *
They're opening the Magic Castle to a small portion of the general public (well, the general public who are in the know, shall we say) this Halloween to throw a party to benefit children's cancer research.
That sounds wonderful. It's a bummer he can't go, but why don't you go anyway? It sounds like you were really looking forward to it.

It's not the kind of party and crowd that I'd feel comfortable going to alone. I may find something else to do for Halloween that I can do on my own. I know of another party in town which I've attended on my own in the past, so that may be a possibility. I'll have to see how I feel at the time.
vixen_within
Well, that's a depressing article.

I'm feeling really ambivalent about my LDR and it's all starting to seem like a fantasy to me, like a relationship built on impressions and not on "reality". We've known each other for a very long time, but always long distance, and I'm worried about my future with this guy, and generally. I'm embarrassed to even say how long we've been long-distance. We should be at a different point by now. My fears about it all are feeding on each other in a circular way. It's like, since neither of us has made the move yet, maybe that's a good reason why neither of us SHOULD make the move (does that make any sense?). We both want to be together, but it would mean one of us has to immigrate, and neither one of us is keen to take the leap away from our security. I'm so tired of going to the movies alone.
thirtiesgirl
I feel for you, Vixen. I've had other LDRs where the guy was further away than the current one I'm dating. The furthest was a guy in Victoria, Canada (I'm in Cali). It's definitely tough when he's in another country. Thus far, I've come to the conclusion that I needed to end my LDRs, mostly for the reasons you're stating: becoming ambivalent, the need to have someone closer who can do things like go to the movies with me on a regular basis. In every case, it was the best decision for me. In my past LDRs, we were both at different stages of our lives, particularly in our careers, and neither of us were ready to relocate. I lasted 2 years with the guy in Canada, which is the longest LDR I've maintained so far, and after 2 years, it became apparent that things weren't going to move forward in the way I'd hoped. I ended it and we've remained platonic friends.

I'm hoping that I'm able to maintain my current LDR. We're both at similar stages in our careers, although I'm still new enough that relocating wouldn't be a big deal. I'm also at a point in my life where I'm ready to relocate, even though his location isn't super desirable (in my estimation). He's a single dad raising two kids, both his parents live in the area, so he relies on them frequently for childcare. And his ex-wife has weekend visitation with the kids, so he's not able to relocate at this point.

The tough thing is, it looks like his DUI may become a bigger issue than I thought. It looks like what may happen is that he'll lose his license for 30 days, which means he'll need to use the vacation time he's saved up to take a month off work. His family doctor can write him a note for work, stating that he's having mild seizures, is on medication and needs a month for the medication to take effect. That will hopefully help him maintain his job. After the 30-day suspension, he'll be on 'probation' for 4 months, which means he'll be able to drive, but just minimally: to and from work, taking the kids to school, and limiting his weekend and night driving.

If he gets the 4-month probation, it's going to put a serious kibosh on our dating life. I'm driving up to see him next weekend, since I have an extra day off work for Veteran's Day. I'm excited to see him, but I'm dreading the trip up. I don't mind making the effort this time, since he's already driven down twice to see me, and I've only driven up once to see him, but I don't plan on making this a habit. My intention was that we'd trade off with the driving duty; he'd drive down one month, and I'd drive up the next. If he gets the 4-month suspension, I'd have to do most of the driving if I want to see him on a regular basis. Which is not something I'm prepared to do.

I talked about it on the phone with him last night and explained that we may have to not see each other for a couple of months if the probation goes into effect, which would really suck. He said he's willing to catch a flight down here once or twice, which was really nice of him, particularly considering his financial situation at the moment. I don't want to put him out, financially, but a plane ticket from central Cali to L.A. isn't too expensive, and he said he's willing, so I hope he'll follow through. If he's willing to do that in between my trips up to see him, we can hopefully keep our dating life on track. If not... I'm going to have some sad, sad months.
roquelaure

i don't know what thread to put this in, so i'll put it here since technically it IS long distance. it's a ridiculously long story, so i'll just hit the basics.

i've been occasionally seeing someone for over two years now. let's call him a friend with benefits. he's a musician and travels a lot, so whenever he is close to my town, i "visit" with him. he is awesome. i like him lots. simple enough.

but here's the rub: he has a live in girlfriend at home. i know damn well he does. we've never discussed it, i'm sure he knows i know. he is very into open relationships, and so am i. the only problem is, i do NOT like to be "the other woman". if i'm the "steady" that he comes home to at night, fine- go have your jollies, I actually think it's healthy to have some variety. but being the one that gets the jollies done with is getting a bit tiring.

i also know he has been having problems with the gal back home, which sickeningly makes me feel a little smug. so i guess what i'm wondering is, am i being a complete and utter idiot hoping this may become more? that if i hasn't already, accept that it is never going to be and move on? another little problem i have is that no one that i meet stacks up to him- mentally, physically, sexually. i will forever compare anyone to him. it's unfair, but it's true. i don't know how i will ever get over that.

this message is all over the place with random thoughts. i blame the sunday morning latte not kicking in yet...
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