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lex
bump for yet another loud sex complaint.

so, i just moved into an apartment that i'm subletting for the summer. i'm sharing with 3 people, and 2 of them i've gotten to know a bit and are very friendly and so far we get along really well. the 3rd roomate is barely ever home, and her room is next to mine. well, she has been home the last 3 nights and i happen to know this because each of those nights i have been woken up at 3 in the morning by her loud sex noises. the first night my sister was spending the night, and we were both awoken by it, so that was extra awkward.

anyway, i just wrote her a note asking her to keep it down at night and explaining that i have to get up early in the morning for work. i tried to keep it light and was apologetic for asking, so i hope that works. i also hope that doesn't make things super awkward between us, but whatever, she's barely ever home and i need to get some sleep, dammit!!

i just don't get the loud sex thing (when others can overhear). personally, i don't want other people to hear me 'cause it's kinda creepy, not to mention inconsiderate. why do people think it's ok to have loud sex when roomates can hear?? oh crap.. i think she just got home.
hellotampon
coming fromt he other end of the sex complaints...

I'm sure people can hear the boyfriend and I when we have sex. We try to be quiet but the bed still squeaks a little. It REALLY sucks having to try to restrain your movements and be silent everytime you do it. His roommate used to be home all the time. All the time! Never left the damn house. He finally got a new job where he's gone a lot more, but my boyfriend's brother is constantly hanging out in the basement directly under our room. Everytime we think they're both finally gone, one of them shows up and brings friends. Sometimes I don't know why we even bother.

Last weekend they all went to some party and the boyfriend and I stayed home so we could finally have some privacy. It was so nice! And so good! I can't remember the last time we had sex like that.

His brother also drives me insane because even though he lives with his girlfriend, they have friends over in the basement and they'll stay there till 2 in the morning and the girlfriend is SO LOUD. I have never heard her speak in a regular voice. She always yells. We've told them to keep it down because we have school or work in the morning and 2 minutes later they're at it again.
lex
well, i certainly understand how not having privacy and restricting movements sucks. i really don't have an issue with that. if i hear the bed, oh well. what i have an issue with is the loud moaning, etc. my bf can't stay over, so we just play some music and try to keep it down. usually we have the place to ourselves during the day, so that helps.

anyway, i was woken up again at 4am, but they were quiet so i'm happy about that. it was the vibrations that woke me up.. i have a small fan that i use at night for background noise and the vibrations was making it run funny.
mermaidgirl13
Lex, I agree. Hearing the bed isn't such a big deal. I hear the bed creaking sometimes in the apartment above ours. It is just the super load moaning, the "don't stop, don't stop, don't stop" from her, and grunting from my roommate.

At one point last week, Mr. Mermaid made a joke about hearing them (they were definitely aware we can hear them before his comment). They said, "Well, at least you get to HEAR hot sex" insinuating that we don't have hot sex. Mr. Mermaid was so thrown that he said the worst possible thing: "Hey, we have hot sex."

I was listening to all of this from the kitchen and pretending not to hear them. The girlfriend said, "Oh yeah? How come we never hear you?"

Mr. Mermaid had no response for that. But I was ready to pull knives from the drawers and start throwing them. Just because we aren't loud obnoxious inconsiderate a-holes doesn't mean we don't have good sex.

It does suck having to be quiet, I'm with you there HelloTampon. We try to be quiet for them even though they don't give a fuck about waking us up at 2:30 in the morning. We try to be quiet anyway because the sex is between the two of us, not the four of us. When they're home, it does suck trying to keep it down. I'm glad we are able to catch a few times when they aren't home - like you said - because it's so much better that way.
lex
wow... so not only are they inconsiderate about keeping it down, but they also insulted your sex life? jesus christ.
maddy29
Ugh mermaid-they sound awful! Maybe they were just embarrassed? Probably not. My roomies and I were talking about this last week, because our apartment is actually pretty spread out-three floors. My roomie has a new man, and I heard them as I walked past her door. Just a few "oh, oh oh's". We all agreed that our house is cool because you don't hear much. And, what we do hear, is just ok. I mean, people have sex, and beds squeak, people moan, headboards bang, etc. But, some people are just crazily inconsiderate about it.

I would be enraged if someone woke me up in the middle of the night having loud sex! i mean ok, once in a great while, fine, but really. ANd yeah, just cause you aren't loud doesn't mean it's not hot. IT's like they think that loud sex = good sex.
mermaidgirl13
Thank you! Venting about it made me feel so much better. And yes, once in a while would be fine. I'm okay with that. Even though it's awkward, I'm not upset that I hear other people's sex, just that it's always late, it's always loud and it's several times a week.

Mr. Mermaid has suggested we start getting out of bed and banging on the walls when they wake us up late. My passive aggressive response has been to try to be really loud in the morning, but they are heavy sleepers and never wake up or say they've heard me opening and closing the bathroom door a billion times, or talking to Mr. Mermaid.

We were living with the roommate because we couldn't afford to be on our own. He just started dating this girl about two months ago. Our lease isn't up until October, but after that, we are going to move out on our own even if it requires major scrimping and cutting back on things.
lex
"IT's like they think that loud sex = good sex."

haha, i was thinking about writing the same thing in my earlier response.

bleh, they must not be very imaginative if that's the case....
maddy29
Ugh-I HATE It when the boyfriend/girlfriend moves in. LIke, a few times a week, fine. Here on the weekends? Ok. Here more than 5 days a week? Then you need to pay rent and not be a butthead. Grrrrr. I only had that happen to me once, but once was enough.

Maybe next time you hear them having loud sex, you can just starting laughing and imitating it, really loudly. I konw that's immature, but it might be fun. Or just go knock on their door and be like "can you keep it down???". At least you could ruin their fun a little....

I used to live with undergrads who would party all the time, and my roomie would get so mad, that every morning at 7:30 when she was leaving for work, she'd ring their door buzzer a bunch of times:-) hee hee:-) she said it just made her feel better to think that she woke up their hungover asses.
mermaidgirl13
Maddy, that's hilarious. I wish we had a buzzer I could bother them with. We are sleeping with a big loud fan on all the tiem now to provide some white noise. Can still hear them though.

Actually, you've touched on another issue. She does stay over every night of the week. Then they wake up at 11 or whatever, go to work (they work together at a pizza place, that's how they met). They work until 5 or 6 or whatever it is, he brings her by her house for clean clothes, and then they're back at our place.

I really want to bring up rent, but I haven't so far because of two things. For one, she never eats any of our food. They bring food home from where they work, or they go out to eat. And two, she didn't have any stuff at all at our place. Now there is a bottle of shampoo. I told myself I'm okay with that. For those two reasons, I feel like I can't bring up the whole she-should-pay-rent thing.

Plus, I try to think about it from their side. If I was single and started dating someone, I'd be annoyed if my roommate came and told me that that person was there too much.

Also, I would want to bring it up with our roommate, without her there, and she's never not there. GRRRRRRR.
maddy29
Well, if she were eating your food, too, she'd be stealing from you! That's kinda sick that they work together and then spend every other minute together at home. Weird! I don't think you have to start with the "she should pay rent." But maybe you could start with-hey, this isn't cool to have someone else living here, could we talk about this. Although, your roommate doesn't sound like the most reasonable person....

I used to feel bad cause my boyfriend spent every weekend at my place. I asked my roomies about it and they were like huh? We dont' care at all. but every night? That's a looooot.
sybarite
*delurks*

This reminds me of my ex-roomie. Great guy, then he met his gf. She wasn't always there, but when she was she was just intrusive. She was a cleanliness freak and used to clean the floor around my feet while I was watching TV. If it had been my flatmate I would have helped or arranged to help later, but instead she was cleaning and he lurked sheepishly in the background, and my weekend chillout time was ruined. She also had a really loud voice. Drove me nuts.

For me, moving into a place with just me and the boy was relative bliss. I recommend it if it's at all possible.
mornington
ooo, this thread has brought up my biggest worry - I'm moving in with one of my best friends, and it looks like it'll just be the two of us. But... he has a gf (thier parents won't let them live together as they're too young etc) and I'm starting to worry about how I'm going to cope. The gf is nice, but she does spend every night at his place. And I can't see this changing now he's moving in with me.

But, anyway - I wondering how far I'm going to be able to go without treading on her toes, or her treading on mine. He & I have discussed what we want, even getting groceries delivered, cooking, and a dog. She's never been present when we did talk, and now I'm wondering the best way to bring up "I want her to pay for food/water/the phone if she's going to be here seven nights a week". I'll pass on the rent as she does have her own place (which she rents) but am I being totally off in expecting her to make a contribution towards everything else?
sybarite
Certainly if she uses the phone she should pay towards it, although that could get messy as bills come in after the fact. With food and water, she should pay as and when you're buying them.

I dunno though (and I am probably just intolerant), if it were me and she was likely to be around that much, I would be direct with your friend now. Tell him more or less what you say below; she's nice but there's a line between being a frequent guest and spending significant time in the flat--and if she's there 24/7 she's blurring it, at best. Good luck.
mermaidgirl13
Yeah, definitely be direct with your friend before you move in. Make sure he knows all of your concerns so that if you have to bring it up, it isn't out of the blue and you can refer back to your conversation pre-move-in.

I wish I had the guts to ask my roommate's girlfriend to kick in for electricy/heat/water. I wouldn't ask her to pay rent but I really feel like it's unfair that she isn't paying for the things she's using.
bklynhermit
mornington, this is your friend (and his girlfriend, basically) moving in with you, right?

i would definitely stress to him (in a friendly way, of course) before he moves in, that if the gf plans to be there upwards of 4/5 nights a week, you'll consider her to be an additional housemate. it's only fair. you've said you don't plan to charge her rent, but i see no problem asking her to kick in for anything she's consuming on a regular basis.
mornington
yes, bklynhermit - although me & him are finding a house together as both of us have rents that end this summer.

I figure I'm going to talk to him, probably once we've found the house. She's quite uninvolved in the actual processes (thankfully as well as rightfully) so there should be a time & place to discuss all this. I know he'll end up paying for her share of whatever, which makes me a little reluctant to say something - but then again I guess I don't care as long as I'm not paying.

Mermaidgirl - could you bring up water/electricity when you get the next bill? Expecially if there's been an increase in what you're paying. That only seems fair.
mermaidgirl13
I'm thinking of doing that.

Mr. Mermaid and I talked about it last night and he wants us to sit down with our roomie (if we can ever get him without the girlfriend there) and say "something has to change. Either she has to start paying an equal share, or she can't be here 7 nights a week and during the day too." I feel weird having that conversation but something does need to change so we're going to do it the first chance we get.
koala
okay guys...... whats the consensus? do you live with a friend? It would be me, the boy, and the friend. We all get along, but my friend is kinda needy/clingy/possessive/all up in everyone's business. I'm afraid i'm never going to be alone and i'll want to pull my hair out. Plus, i'm afraid she'll gossip to our other friends about my boy and I and our relationship. Yes....it would be nice to split the rent with her, or is it gonna be worth the extra 50$ not too?
raskel
For $50...I wouldn't. After my roommate experience last year, Mr. Raskel and I are paying an extra $175/month to live on our own.
saktii
I vote NOT living with any good friends. I let my best friend move in with me, and due to her habitual late payment of rent, the landlord has finally decided that he's had enough and is probably going to kick us out.
I'm so angry with her right now, and it's a shame living together has done this.
I much prefer living with *potential* friends rather than actual ones.
mornington
I live with, and will be living with, my friends. But I'm a student and that makes my situation a little different - because students here don't pay council tax I have to live with other students to not pay it. The guy I'm living with next has a similar attitude to me as well - that "our house in london" is his/my home, whereas a lot of students tend to vanish up to thier parents asap (his live in scotland, mine in algeria... you get the picture). And he knows about - and copes with - my depression etc. I couldn't live with a stranger.

That said, it's only $50 a month; your friend can visit as much as you like but that way you have your relationship to yourself.
lex
koala, it definitely sounds like a bad idea to move in with your friend. especially given the apprehensions you have. not worth the $50, i don't think.
datagirl
My bitchy flatmate evicted me about 2 weeks ago (she's the only one on the lease).She came to my door and told me"Things arn't working out"
What she really meant was that I'm not fun ie I dont drink anymore (long story) and I dont wait for her to get home so she can bore me to tears with all her problems.She has no friends so if I want to spent some alone time in my room she interprets it like I hate her or something(which I do now).She just has so many issues with everything and no self esteme.It all started when she began emailing me about little things,the back door,cleaning,putting my blind down so no one see's the cat(no pets allowed)stuff that she could have reminded me face to face.When she went away for the weekend I'd look after the cat incl cleaning out his litter tray.I always take out the trash/recycling,pay rent and bills on time,never have guys over,am really quiet. ect ect.I'm just a quiet,do my own thing,like my own company, need my own space sort of a person and what she wanted was a party partner.Anyway Im glad to get away from such a controlling bitch.I've got till early July to move out,but I know it will be earlier.Im telling the real estate about the cat too.I figure if I cant live there then neither should she.
misspissed
ahhh...good old roommates.

i canNOT wait to either a) live on my own, or b) live with someone who doesn't have her head in the clouds 90% of the time.

my 2 latest issues are that my roommate has taken over our spare room with furniture she moved in there "temporarily" until she figures out where else to put it (she had stuff in her bedroom, but then redecorated). i don't mind having her stuff around the house, BUT it is a huge huge mess in the spare room! it was stashed there over 2 months ago, and she hasn't touched it since.

i tried being nice, and asked her twice already if she needs help moving it. she keeps telling me she'll move it soon, and no, doesn't need help. well, dude. if next weekend goes by and that shit is STILL like that, i am going to cause some trouble.

my other complaint is similar -- there are magazines PILED all around the living room. for a few YEARS now! (we've been living together for 5 years, but i think its time to go soon)

old issues of Spin, Architectural Digest, and Time Out NY. i've asked her a few times (the last time was today) if she wanted some crates or bookshelves. i have some extra crates that i would GLADLY let her have if it means getting the fucking piles of mags off the floor. she keeps telling me she's planning on going thru them to cut out pictures (for what, i have no clue. maybe she is making a collage or something.)

like, seriously. i have tried being nice about it, but how much of a procrastinator can you be?
i feel like my apartment is slowly turning into a swap meet or something.

yes, i am a fussy person. i am organized and need things to be "just so". so i know i am over-reacting a bit, but c'mon now.
mermaidgirl13
little update from my neck of the apartment sharing woods:

my roommate's girlfriend has been out of town for the last week. It's been awesome having it just the three of us again. It made me realize that my problem definitely isn't him. It's them.

Me and Mr. M talked about it with him, about how she has to start paying rent or stay over way less often. He'd said he'd discuss with her when she returns.

It would suck having her live there but something has to change.
mornington
yay mermaidgirl! Sounds like progress is being made.

ok, latest development/problem. H - the guy I'm finding a house with - has a friend (S) who needs a house. She has another friend who also needs a house - and who wants to live with her. H has offered/said that S & her friend can live with us - maybe. The decision is mine.

Now, S only wants to live with us until Jan/Feb. That will mean having to find a fourth person to move in in the middle of the academic year. I don't want to be lumbered with an extra £25-£50/week rent if we can't find someone. I'm not sure the friend will want to keep living with us once S moves out - what if we don't get on? Also, I think this friend will be a fresher (1st year uni) and tbh, I don't want to live with a fresher, as they have frankly f-a to do. Oh, and I want to move in july - but these girls have parents & homes, and won't want a house until september.

So... any advice? I haven't met either of these girls - H only knows S (his gf also knows her; they're all friends from halls, which makes me the odd one out). Anyone have any experience of living with 4-5 people or, even better, how to tell S & her friend I don't want to live with them?

oh yeah, pros - it will be cheaper to find somewhere with four bedrooms. If we move out of walking-distance to college range. But it will be harder to find somewhere too.
runningwestward
Don't do it Mornington. I lived with 6 through uni and it was tough. And if they are all friends and you aren't really in the circle then you may end up feeling like an outsider in your own home. I have lived with one other person for a few years now and it's much better. The one thing I love is that sometimes they go out of town or don't come home at night and you have the place to yourself. That is so worth the extra money. You will feel like you actually live in your own home and not in a room in a house. The best thing you can tell H is that you want the quiet of a smaller household and the less stress. Also the fresher reason is a totally valid one especially if you are in an upper year position in a tough field.
raskel
I lived with 11 people in 1 house for a year. Yes, eleven. Don't do it. I think more than 2 people, maybe 3, is too many. I'm with running, just try to tell him you need a quiet house because you have a stressful year ahead. Not to mention that it's nearly impossible to find someone to take over mid-year.
sybarite
Mornington, I agree with all the reasons posted below. I also get the impression you're just really not into sharing with these people; so don't. If H is referring the decision to you, say no and claim the need to study.

I lived with 4 other people at uni and found it really hard, when it wasn't plain irritating. I moved out into a 2-BR my final year, with one other person, and was much happier. Good luck!
mornington
thanks everyone!

raskel - eep! I shared an annex with twelve while at boarding school (we had our own kitchenette, but it was school so...). I couldn't cope with eleven.

running, you hit on something when you said "You will feel like you actually live in your own home" - my family live overseas, and living in halls atm, I'm longing for a space that's "mine"

I'll talk to H in a few days. He knows I'm not happy, and I think we need to sit down & be sensible about it. Our course is pretty damn intensive, and hopefully he'll understand my concerns - he'd better, we're possibly living together for the next four years.
misspissed
wow. mornington, i have to echo the previous statements...i thinking living with more than 2 people might be a challenge.

i turned down a room in an awesome apartment in a great neighborhood because it meant sharing a place with 3 other people, and the 3 girls were all good friends. i didn't want to end up the constant odd-man-out. plus, i feared that i would never have the kitchen to myself!
mornington
yay yay yay! S has been offered a placement in france for the whole year. as her friend wants to live with her, it's back to two.

I am so relieved.
edna
Sorry that this is so long.
If anyone could give me their opinion about my roomie/landlord and my deposit, I'd appreciate it.

Roomie's name is on all of the household bills and on the lease. R. is incredibly irresponsible and irrational in all things concerning money. She is absolutely always behind on all the bills and we are constantly on the verge of having utilities shut off.

R. has repeatedly mixed up amounts on bills (asked us to pay March electric bill more than once; divided landline phone bill in such a way that we were all to pay for 1/3 of her long distance and directory assistance, etc). She absolutely refuses to keep a system or checklist or set of receipts up to date and accessible to Housemate and me. I have cobbled my own little system together and have literally spent hours trying to figure out which bills have been paid and which have not, as well as who owes what.

A few months after H. moved in, we had a house meeting, and H. and I told her we were going to write all of our utility checks directly to the companies. See, she'd asked us for payments to her, in one lump check, for all of the utilities. And most of the time, she would not put our money toward the bills. The utilities would remain unpaid, or a bare minimum would have been paid, and she'd be coming home with new shoes, a new sofa, all kinds of shit.

Past housemates (two have come and gone since I've been here) have had trouble getting thier deposit back in a timely fashion. R. eventually coughed up, but it was, both times, well after the thirty day legal (in this state) deadline.

H. happened to become completely fed up w/R. at the same time that I found my own place. We gave notice on the same day, w/o knowing that the other one was also giving notice.

R. is now talking about giving up the lease. She is not looking for new housemates, even though it is completely obvious that she can't afford the place alone and (for reasons I won't go into here) she would never be able to get herself moved out of this place in the next few months.

She is asking us for June utility bill money right now, (which is hilarious because she's never ever looked at a bill w/o either having a dire shut-off notice or H. and I hounding her about it, and she's never ever paid a bill on time in her whole life). She's also expecting us to pay June rent (and, presumably, to hang onto our deposit money well into July or August).

H. is planning to refuse to pay June rent (we're both leaving near the end of June) because he is afraid he'll never see his deposit money again (it is roughly just enough to cover rent and his share of utilities through that period. I am absolutely certain that this is gonna lead to a big-ass brawl and more of the happy home life atmosphere that's led to me swearing to never have roomies again.

R. is pretty difficult (as an armchair psychologist, I diagnose her w/ borderline personality disorder), but for a variety of reasons I am trying hard to maintain a cordial relationship w/her and do not want to burn any bridges or fight w/her.

So, do y'all think I ought to pay all and wait for deposit money? Or shall I withhold rent or utility money? We have no written rental agreement, and it was never exactly specified what the deposit was for...it was never called 'security deposit." (H. believes he paid 'first and last months rent' when he moved in). It's money that I need, and I carry resentment for the mess she's made of our bills and for the abundance of late fees that she's had us help her pay. What should I do?
pepper
yah right. tell her you'll be happy to hand over the rent when she coughs up your deposit and whatever else she owes you for bills you paid that she didn't. ha.
i do suggest that you get a padlock for your doors in the meantime though. she sounds pretty unscrupulous.
raskel
I couldn't agree more with pepper.
edna
Oh, we tracked down all of the old bills that she'd left unpaid after we'd written the checks to her. We had to do some nagging to locate all of the paperwork/old bills, and the hours I've spent working out the amounts was mostly going through everything to separate each month's usage and charges from the old balances, late fees, etc. R. was amenable and co-operative whenever we pointed out her errors and could show her the paperwork. Aside from some late fees that went under the radar (amounting to less than $20 total), she does not owe me or H. any money.

She is kinda crazy, lacks impulse control in regards to shopping, eating, etc, and she's not rational about bills or money, but she isn't willfully evil or thieving. It's hard to explain. It's like somebody put a 8 year old in charge. She's not stupid, but she's emotionally immature, to say the least. Being calm but firm w/her about my boundaries and rights has been pretty effective most of the time. H. gets confrontational w/her, but obviously, for good reason, and she becomes...I dunno...unmanagable. Crazy. Hysterical. Furious. One or all of the above.

I'm trying to stay on decent terms with her because, believe it or not, she is a somewhat prominent and influential person in this city, particularly in some circles that mean a lot to me. And, god help me, I feel sorry for her at times. But beyond just pity and my resentment over her mismanagement of the house and money, I actually DO have a strange little friendship w/her. I know that she values my friendship in her life.

H. and I will each owe roughly $100 each on bills and we each technically owe her most of the rent for June. If she was a normal person, we could just pay all the bills, pay the rent, move out and get our deposits back in a week or so...that's how it's supposed to work, legally. I am a by-the-book goody two-shoes who likes to follow the rules, and I'd like to have my ass covered about the legal stuff if there's a problem.

I guess I'll tell her that I am not able to pay the rent and the bills in full and that I need her to use my deposit toward them. If that isn't gonna fly w/her, I could pay the rent, leave her the bills to deduct from my deposit (which would fulfil my legal obligations), and extract a promise and deadline for the deposit refund. She might kick a little, but she will eventually cough up, as she's done w/past roomies. It's just such a fucking headache to deal w/her about money stuff.

The good news is that I will be living in my own little cozy apartment before June is over, and I will not need to ride herd over her bill-paying ever again.
pepper
do. not. give. her. your. money. period. subtract the deposit amount from your rent. her being a dimwit when it comes to financial stuff does NOT mean that you should have to scramble around scrounging up another deposit to make sure you get your next place. don't be a sucker here, i mean i know you want to be nice but that feeling of having been "nice" might not carry you for very long if your next apartment falls through.
take care of yourself first is all i'm saying.
sybarite
Edna, I agree you should simply tell her you can't pay what's owed for June in full and instruct (not 'request') her to use the deposit towards those expenses. She may well pay up eventually but this method clears up the matter neatly and quickly.

I think the key is to be very calm and clear when describing this use of the deposit to her. That way, you're ensuring that your part of the expenses are covered in a responsible fashion but also ensuring you're not losing out any more than you already have.

I would also put what you've told us in writing and if there is any hassle over your proposed payment plan point to her previous unreliability. She may well be a nice person, not to mention influential etc, but she's also an adult who is responsible for her financial affairs. If she can't handle those properly, it's her problem, to be blunt, and she has to take the consequences.

/channelling my stern granny

Good luck! I'm glad you're getting out of there.
mornington
edna, I agree with pepper & syb. If she's so flaky with money, and your deposit will cover rent & expenses, definitely do not pay her te last month's rent.

Be blunt with her. Put it in writing. Have you got a reciept for the deposit? A bank statement to show the money going out? Maybe getting her to sign something would help.
dusty
Umm, I would tell her to take the deposit in lieu of the rent/bill money, but I would phrase it matter-of-factly with conviction, not in a confrontational kind of way, but as if thats what was totally understood. Does that make any sense?
edna
Thanks for your input, everyone. Tomorrow's the day of confrontation, er, I mean, calm rational assertion, (matter of factly with conviction, I hope). Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes...
glassk
Hello.
I hope that you all don't mind - I'm here more often lurking then not- i find a lot of the advice here I can apply to my own life itself. And I'm not wise enough to give advice most times. But perhaps you can answer me this:

I'm going into university, second year, this fall, at the university I am currently employed at. What i'd really like to do though, is move in with a male friend and go to an art school. but i haven't talked to my parents (who are currently paying for my education) and am not sure how viable this plan is. Rent would be $600 a month. I've never done any independant living, and I have never had a non-female roommate. (He's taken. If that helps) He's a good friend. Issues? Concerns? Resources? I need some support for this decision, it's not going to come from the parents, and friends dont' have the neutral rationality I need.
mornington
glassk - you're pretty much at the same stage I am. I'm moving in with a male friend in september (my biggest issue can be found down thread). Luckily my mother is cool about it, and my father has agreed to keep paying my rent. I'mn assuming you're living at home or in catered dorms right now?

ok... first off. If you're worried about money, can you get a separate bank account for rent & utilities - water etc - from your everyday account? This will stop you spending the rent money. Are your parents willing to make a contribution to your keep? Otherwise... student loans or maybe a job? Agree with your roommate how you're splitting rent, utilities, even food (for example, we've already agreed to shop together)

Get both of you on the lease - that way if something happens, both of you are protected. If you want, draw up a list of responsibilities each of you have.

Division of labour is really important. Agree - and enforce - how you're going to deal with laundry, cleaning etc etc. (again - H does the hoovering, I will deal with the kitchen. H does the laundry, I deal with the cooking). This is especially important when it comes to shared spaced like the lounge & bathroom.

As far as resources... pots, pans, plates, a healthy supply of washing-up liquid and enough forks to eat three meals without having to wash up. See what your roomie is going to bring with him. Yes, buying all these is expensive, but it's a one-off payment that hopefully you won't be making again for several years. Your parents might have some old stuff they're willing to part with, or there's a cheap place you can shop at.

If you haven't got somewhere yet, you should be looking for somewhere furnished. Beds, lounge furniture, washing machine, cooker. Hopefully they'll provide a hoover too. Before you move in, once you have somewhere, walk around and make a list of what you're going to need. If your male roomie hasn't done any independant living, he'll need instructing in the basic arts of the toilet brush, hoover, and picking up after himself. They always do.

On the male roomie front... have your parents met him? Maybe even arrange for them to meet him with his s.o., making it very very clear that you're not having sex with him (this is always thier first worry). Male roomies are no different from female ones really, except they occasionally need more housetraining first. As long as you use your common sense, you really will be fine.

'scuse the essay
tyger
mornington, have i ever told you how much i love that you write so englishly? which makes sense, because you're not american or canadian, i guess. you guys just have way cooler words :P

glassk, i think living with a guy is most likely easier than living with a girl. you have to train them (toilet seat down, you aren't his maid or his mother, stuff like that), but in my experience guys are just easier to get along with for extended periods of time. for the most part you're safe from random girlish drama and (with my friends, anyway) they're a lot more easy going about most things.

if'n'when i move out, i'm going to live with one of my guy friends as a housemate, because i could honestly never see me living with one of my female friends for more than a month or so (with one exception)
bklynhermit
i have a male roommate, and the only way my father can get his head around it is to assume he's gay. even though i've explained several times that he's not. my father refuses to acknowledge any of these conversations, and insists that because there is a framed snapshot of roomie and another guy hanging in our entryway, and because he exhibits a basic understanding of interior design, dresses well, cooks, etc. that he MUST be gay. by which he really means, "anyone who lives with my daughter and doesn plan on marrying her had damn well better be..."

as to other roommate stuff (less about living with a guy, more about general issues):

if you move in with somebody, make sure it's someone you can REALLY communicate with. while we did cover all the bases before i moved in, roomie and i have had issues to resolve as they occurred (even some we thought we'd already figured out). don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. one well-justified argument (sorry, "intense discussion") about the phone bill is not going to destroy your friendship. and if it does, he wasn't worth your friendship in the first place.
jemisoutrageous
So your father is Mr. Roper and he think your roomate Jack is a little (makes high pitched noise, wiggles hand in faggy way,rolls eyes 'comically).
bklynhermit
oh my god. my dad is so Mr. Roper.

if only my dad was actually Don Knotts. except that i probably wouldn't be nearly as hott as i am now... :-)
glassk
I do struggle when trying to decide if an issue is worth confrontation. I hate disagreement, but it is true about the value of friendship over simmering resentment/issues.
and funny enough- this guy is often asked if he is gay. so close enough to let my parents think he's gay and not going to be sleeping with me. :D good call.

mornington- it is a trouble syncronizing move-in dates. the person i would most love to live with has a lease that doesn't expire until after I need a place.

I really appreciate the advice about a seperate bank account. that is very do-able, and extremely practical. also something i can do immediately. thanks!

i am sure division of labour is important, but i do prefer my own laundry.

Surprisingly, my dad seemed fairly supportive and gave me a few questions to knaw on, mainly related to the art school. so i'm feeling pretty good about this right now.
laurenann
*bump, bump, bump*

geesh, JUNE? man.

i had to find this thread, though. i am not having roomate problems, but neighbor problems. actually the neighbors are having problems with my roomates and i seem to be the only one who cares that they are having problems with each other.

half of the problem is parking. my one roomates friend asked "can i park in the lot by your house" and he said yes, thinking the friend meant the city lot across the street and not the resident-only lot behind our house. so when our neighbor came home he parked at the end of the driveway and blocked us ALL in. kind of a jerky move - couldn't he have just one floor up and ask if we knew whose car that was? i have no idea how the friend got out - drove over the lawn? - but i had to wake the neighbor up in the morning so i could get out from work. and i apologized profusely, even though it wasn't my fault at all. later that day my roomate aplogized too and explained what happened. then i guess the guy on the 1st floor was all "um, could you tell your friends not to park in our spots, okay?" and my roomate was like "uh, yeah, i know, it was a misunderstanding." why the guy on the 1st floor got involved, i have no idea. so this was like two weeks ago, and today we get an email from the property manager saying "parking is a privellage that can be revoked, please let me know if there is any confusion about parking, etc etc." i emailed her back to clear up what happened (it was a mistake that happened once and we apologized) and to say that i couldn't believe our neighbors wouldn't just come and talk to us.

anyway, the other half of the problem is that my back door key stopped working so i left the back door unlocked when i left for work in the morning for a few days while i procrastinated about getting a new key made, thinking my roomate would lock it when he left for work 15 minutes later. but i guess we all just stopped locking the door for a couple of days. our bad. but can't you just tell us - hell, even yell at us - rather than sending an email to the property manager?

i really wanna know who sent the email to the property manager. our 2nd floor neighbors seem cool and we have never had an issue with them, but the guy was pretty peeved about his parking spot. the 1st floor neighbors are total ninnys - they left a note saying "please do not slam the door" when i accidentally slammed the door ONCE at, like, 9pm - and i suspect it was them getting into other peoples business. sigh. what a pain! i just want everyone to like eachother.

thanks for the rant!
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