Jan 27 2007, 11:09 AM
well (to greenbean *way* down there in the thread!) there is the kind of bondage that is just about increasing sensation by allowing the "serviced" person to not have to prop up their own appendages and also have the freedom to squirm and flail without causing disruption or injury. And the straining against bonds increases sensation throughout the body.
In practice, not always combined with humiliation, submission or flagellating or any kind, but to get supplies one enters the whole realm of BDSM marketplace.
(probably WON'T go to Fetish Fleamarket -- don't want to actually buy stuff, and have a lot to do!)
Jan 28 2007, 08:36 PM
Anyone who can offer up some advice to me, I need it!
I’m getting ready to start my period and I’m always very moody for the first few days. Mr. Pug knows this so we talked about it. I explained that this Taken In Hand relationship is as new to me as it is to him. Learning to talk to him in a more respectful and mindful manor is challenging. When I was upset in the past I just flew off the handle which in turn caused him to just shut down and not listen to a word I had to say. Since the switch I feel I’ve done very well at talking to him differently. We haven’t had a fight in like four weeks. Which is really good for us. He obviously agrees because he hasn’t spanked me for disrespecting him. However, here in lies the problem. I’m starting to feel a little short tempered with my hormones racing. I asked him to please be patient and even a little lenient if I slip being on my period and all. He agreed but I’m worried. I told him that I’m really going to try to keep myself in check this week.
However, today he said he would do the laundry and did a half ass job of it. He complained about taking the trash out. I cleaned up the house, cleaned the kitchen, which was a mess, made homemade spaghetti sauce for him today when he asked me for because it’s his favorite and I haven’t made it in a while. The thing that pisses me off is that I said I would do the laundry but he offered to take it over for me but he did a half assed job. Normally when he does a half assed job of housework I shrug it off because I usually like to do it my way anyway. Today though, I’m starting to feel the rage build and I want to fight with him about it but I can’t and shouldn’t. I want to scream at him, “Look if you can’t complete the job you offer to do then don’t FUCKING OFFER!” Even if I did he probably wouldn’t punish me but I want to try to get through this week fight and punishment free. I think I’m just going to start popping Midol and hopefully that will help some. He also offered to finish, tomorrow when he gets home for work, the dishes and laundry that I didn’t get to tonight. Maybe I should just wait it out and see if he really does complete everything tomorrow and if he doesn’t I guess I’ll still just keep my mouth shut and do it myself. The reason I say keep my mouth shut is not because I don’t think I’m allowed to voice my opinion. I just know myself and I know that during my period nothing comes out the way it should and I always end up yelling. I KNOW my irritation is my period. I know myself and I know how I get honestly. It’s not him it’s me. In his defense, he went and did the grocery shopping today and praised my special dinner for him. I’m just getting pissed because I’m hormonal and all. HELP!!! How do I keep my attitude in check so I have a great loving week with my man?
Jan 28 2007, 10:46 PM
first of all, i'm not all that familiar with TiH, so realize that is the space i am coming from.
it seems to me that in any relationship that is going to last, that is worthwhile, there needs to be trust, and there needs to be the space for BOTH partners to voice dissatisfaction with the way that something is working out. or not working out, as the case may be.
i don't know exactly how TiH works as a lifestyle, but you must have had to go through some sort of negotiation when you began it. for example, how far something can go (as a punishment).
if he said he would do something for you and didn't do a very good job, i think that you should tell him. ask if it can be a conversation OUTSIDE of the TiH relationship. then, VERY RESPECTFULLY, without yelling or shouting or using any sort of angry voice or snotty tone, tell him that you appreciate him helping you. tell him that you know he did it out of love. tell him what you expect when laundry is done, and then tell him that you do not feel that the laundry was done this way. ask him what he would have done if you had promised to do a job and then left it half unfinished. tell him that you would like to revise this part of your agreement.
i can see how the TiH lifestyle has been working for both of you. that's GREAT! i just think that something needs to continue to work for you BOTH, and that when you run across situations that just don't work within whatever "confines" of a particular lifestyle are, that you need to renegotiate.
there is no reason to be disrepectful while you have this discussion. if there is no disrepect, i do not see how he can claim that there is. (if he does, perhaps you might want to redefine, together, what can be called disrepectful and what cannot)
if he still gets upset about this, i would seriously reconsider what you are doing. there has to be room for disagreement in any relationship. not disrepect, not refusal. disagreement. you both chose to go into this together, you should continue to choose how it will work and how it won't. otherwise, i can only see you bottling up this sort of anger -- which i think is righteous -- and that can be VERY destructive.
i'm curious to see your response, and i'm curious to see what others here think.
get back to us, pugs!!!
Jan 28 2007, 10:56 PM
This is my first post. I read Bust magazine and for months now the Taken in Hand web site has been my favorite obsession. I drink my tea every morning to it.
About me-For a while I was the "little girl" to a rather tough old man. It soured and ended badly, and now I am with a lovely calm young man and find my desire to be dominated is still there. Perhaps this will prove to be a place that I can talk about it in good company. But to reply to your post, Pugs-
I sympathsize with your premenstrual madness. It's hell on love. I tend towards long uncontrollable crying jfits myself, in which I manage to feel completely unloved and unwanted despite his patient presence, but it must be tedious for a man to witness and bear. This intersperced also with the anger-knives where I want to yell out "You Are Standing In My Killing Field!!" to all who have the misfortune to cross my path.
But I would say, don't just push it down with Midol.If you can navigate the rocky passage, let it out,let it rise, but let him contain you and control you. Ask for a maintenance spanking.Did he offer to do the laundry because you subtly pressured him to? If so you have something to appologize to him for. If right now you are holding resentment and expectation of his failure to do the housework properly tomorrow, and itching to mouth off at him then when he lives up to the negative expectations you are harboring, then you have another thing to appologize to him for. You will feel better when you are back in the place you belong with him, that is, beneath him, the place you feel best.
Sometimes when rage is boiling up in one's body a feeling of confinement helps. I have asked lovers at times to just hold my wrists tight behind my back. Its calming and focusing and reminds me who I am.
What I am trying to say is, if your relationship is full-time, pms is part of that time, not a separate, outside condition that you can use as an excuse for bratty, surly or shrewish behavior. Use the structure of your relationship to find more creative, fun, sexy ways of dealing with your state than just the old blow-up-on-your-boyfriend-'cause-the -chores-aren't-done. There are magic ways around that, and you've got the key already, its the palm of his hand.
On another note,for future reference, you may consider exploring the link between caffeine and pms, if you are a heavy coffee drinker. Dairy products also can worsen the symptoms. Also the popular spiritual writer Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power Of Now, wrote about the premenstrual period as a time when the "pain body", collected accumulated pain and past hurt, seeks to assert itself in one's life and muck things up, and how to stay present and aware through such episodes. No he doesn't mention spanking as a means of keeping present- he's more of a meditation man- but what is more meditative and centering than a nice hard thwack?
Jan 29 2007, 07:52 AM
I think I upset you with my post or even scared you a little. I apologize. Maybe I can clarify a little. Housework, as a majority, is my job. I asked for and agreed to this due to the fact that 1. We are in a TiH relationship and 2. I hate the way Mr. Pug does certain chores. Mr. Pug does however, help me from time to time just cause he’s sweet. If I do dishes and leave them in the strainer I’ll come home and he’ll have put them away for me. He likes to vacuum so he always does that. He takes the trash out and also cuts the grass. He’ll sort, wash and dry the laundry and I’ll fold it. He does his share.
My gripe and question, which now that I think about it probably doesn’t belong in this room, is when I’m on my period and I’m feeling very emotional and ready to blow up at the smallest thing how do I continue on the TiH path of staying calm and treating him with respect when “I” get pissed about shit I shouldn’t. Explain…
He said yesterday, “I’ll do the laundry.” To me this means, sort, wash, dry, fold and put away. This is what I do when I do laundry. To him this means, he’ll sort, wash, dry and leave in the basket and I can fold and put away which is what we normally do when he helps. But yesterday, being all pissy I wanted him to do it the way I wanted him to do it and not the way he always does it.
This is what I’m talking about. In the past my period was always a bad week for us cause I expected him to know when to do more then he usually does by reading my mood. I hate this about myself because I’m incapable of being pleased with something. I guess I was asking for advice on how to handle these feelings (again, probably should have asked this in the PMS room) and treat Mr. Pug with the same newfound respect I’ve been treating him with since we started TiH.
Mr. Pug would never punish me for saying how I felt. I’m always allowed to say, “Collar off. We have to talk. I’m unhappy.” Mr. Pug would be angry if I just bit my tongue and didn’t tell him I was upset about something. He wants to make me happy just as much as I want to make him happy.
My problem is that when I’m on my period I really want to say, “Collar off you lazy son of a bitch. Why can’t you ever just help me around here? Why do I have to do everything? I’m crampy and I’d just like to sit on my ass and you can do everything for a change.”
So again my question is how to maintain the level of respect and not have an emotional outburst during my period. In all honesty, this question really has nothing to do with TiH. Just how do the rest of you keep your cool during your period and treat your man with respect.
Where have you been? Why is this your first post, which, I must say, was completely inspiring? You are right. I think I’m going to print it for Mr. Pug and let him read it. I think the part about “let him contain you and control you” during this time is exceptional. I didn’t think maintenance spankings would be something that we would take from TiH but I find myself thinking, “God if I just raise my voice to him maybe he’ll take me upstairs and spank this frustration out of me.” This however is being bratty. However, if he does this without me having to be bratty then it’s maintenance discipline right?
As far as caffeine goes, I do drink to much soda and tea so I think I’m going to taper off while I’m OTR. As far as meditating, like you said I “meditate” under his hand. Thanks for your advice.
Tesao – hope my question is more clear now. Thanks for your reponse.
Satchie – good day to you!!
Jan 29 2007, 11:16 AM
Pugs, in a nutshell it sounds like there is a conflict between your understandable irritation (made worse by you being OTR) at his domestic laziness, and between sticking to TiH.
I liked greenbean's post a while back where she talked about how TiH can also help defuse a couple's fighting patterns, or at least divert them into something more fun. Could you do something like that? Or, on the other hand, maybe you call off the TiH contract when you have your period?
Off-topic: I hear you on the domestic frustration. A bunch of us were talking about this very issue in the Committed thread some months ago, if you want to revisit it there...
In the meantime, good luck, feel better and enjoy the Midol: that stuff sends me into space!
Jan 29 2007, 11:43 AM
Hey Pugs, don't be too hard on yourself, this is the first time you are on your period while in a new type of relationship. I'm sure Mr. Pugs is as confused as you are as to how it fits in. I think you should just feel it out, do what comes naturally and things will take care of itself. TiH is not a contest to see who "does it better", nor is it a cult with rigid rules, I think its more of a notion of how a relationship can be. Heavens, you just started! Many couples take years transitioning into this type of relationship, and I've read many stories where one part of the couple "slips into old patterns." Remember, Mr. Pugs may not be able to keep it up all the time either...lots of guys go through similiar "periods" where they arent feeling like themselves. You may run into a time when Mr. Pugs doesnt feel like being in charge or punishing.
Sybarite, Satchie (waves to newbie), and Tes all had good advice, you should experiment with that. I DO think its a good idea to at least tell Mr. Pugs that you are holding in some frustration, and if you werent trying so hard at this new relationship you would be yelling and cursing at him. See what he thinks, talk, negotiate, and come up with a game plan for your next cycle. Good luck!
Jan 30 2007, 12:15 AM
Hi Pugs, I think your issue is totally relevant to this thread because it asks how to put some of this stuff into everyday practice. It also raises this question of: how is the dom accountable in a lifestyle relationship? How does a true sub get a voice? Since it sounds like your relationship is one that strives for balance (instead of total power slanted to one side) you have a case for verbalizing and letting him know what you need. That's a big issue. Seems like if you come up against a repeating set of problems (laundry/PMS) that come up each month maybe you could make a list of your expectations--and then punishment or whatever could come in terms of your handling his treatment of them because there is your emotional reaction and his activities. then you can try to control your behavior and he can know what you need from him. If he can fulfill his responsibilities, would you continue to be moody? Also, I would load up on b vitamins and eat dried apricots/walnuts to help with your symptoms. Good luck!
Also, the TIH think freaks me out a bit beacuse it doesn't seem (at least based on my quick read of the site) to have much room for sub women who don't completely submit--which seems unrealistic to me if you are talking about a relationship with extra-sexual dimensions. I like www.sumbissivewomenspeak.net/ because it seems to voice this scene from the woman's informed perspective...there are lots of ways to negotiate this and , especially when you are just getting started you have the freedom to choose together without silencing yourself!
Jan 30 2007, 10:44 PM
OH MY GOD! I’M SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!
I’m so angry with Mr. Pug that I can’t even get my thoughts together to write a post. You are all right. He is being totally dismissive of my feelings and blaming it all on PMS. Here I am working my ass off to remain respectful of him all the while I’m twisted with anger on the inside and he is just letting his comments and actions fly with no fucking care in the world for my feelings. FUCK HIM! I think TiH is on fucking hold until we have a major sit down. I’d like to see him fucking try to come near me right now. He’s fucking lying there snoring away. Glad our little spat when he got home an hour and half late without calling me didn’t bother him in the least bit. I’m the one tossing and turning with anger from his careless attitude and hurtful comments wanting to rip the covers off the bed and declare that we are going to have a talk at 11:55 p.m. at night when we both have to get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I’m going to sit here and listen to some calming music for a while and play sudoku to try to calm down and get back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can post something more clearly. Goodnight all.
Jan 30 2007, 10:56 PM
Jan 31 2007, 04:59 AM
He wakes me up in the middle of the night. Gives me this mind blowing orgasm, apologizes, tells me everything was his fault and that he knows he can be a prick. He promises he’ll call next time and that he loves me. WTF is a girl to do? MEN ! ? ! ?
Jan 31 2007, 08:57 AM
Very moving article I found...
DOMINANT TO THE LAST
He sat in the king size chair that only a few months ago had fit him as though it had been intentionally created as his throne. Now it seemed to dwarf his thin, almost frail form. The agony of his disease had deeply etched his already craggy features and haunted his eyes.
She knew he hated to see her cry, yet tears flowed unbidden and unchecked as she watched her beloved fading before her very eyes. The doctors had long since given up any hope of his recovery, and now all they would give her to help him was the morphine he hated so much. It eased his pain but made it unbelievably difficult to speak.
He shifted slightly and a grown escaped from deep within him.
She leaned over to squirt another dropperful of the vile liquid under his tongue, knowing that as it eased his pain it would also slow his already labored breathing and hasten his final parting from her. Guilt washed over her. He was so strong, a warrior who had valiantly battled the ravaging disease for years longer than the doctors had ever believed was possible, and here she was – his mate, his lady, his beloved Babygirl – giving him the pain-relieving poison that would numb his keen mind and dull his senses.
Choking back the sobs that once again threatened to wrack her body, she gently kissed the top of his head and whispered, “I'm sorry, my Love.”
He heard the guilt in her voice – the guilt he had spent years spanking out of her. Suddenly the dullness was gone from his eyes. His eyebrow lifted sharply, his eyes flashed with the familiar sparks of controlled anger, and his voice resonated with authority and passion.
“Susan, do NOT do that to my Baby!!”
Goosebumps flushed her body and a familiar shiver ran up and down her spine. Death like quicksand sucked at his body, yet his spirit was unvanquished. Her submission to him had not been quickly or easily won. In the beginning, fierce battles of will had raged between them, but he had unfailingly prevailed. He had conquered her will and won her heart. Now her acquiescence to his unquestioned authority came as naturally as the beating of her heart.
“Yes, my Love,” she sighed as she sank to her knees in front of him and lay her head in his lap. “That's my good girl,” he whispered as he gently stroked her hair.
They were the last coherent words he ever spoke to her. He had maintained his dominance to the very last.
I was brought to tears while reading this. I'm curious as to what the rest of you think.
Jan 31 2007, 09:55 PM
girltrouble!! a sighting!! i was hoping you might still be lurking!! i miss seeing you 'round here...
pugs, i think some flexibility should be taken with the roles. but, that is just me. if you wanna yell, then yell. i think the whole "we don't fight" thing or "rational" decisions is highly overrated. it is ok to argue. makes me think of a recent grey's episode. seriously, if i'm not allowed to express my emotions, then it builds up to resentment. or, especially when someone tells me not to feel a certain way. just let me express how i'm feeling, allow me to feel what i'm feeling, and then i will move on. i don't hold grudges. but, i have to go through that process first. screw the roles...
Feb 1 2007, 10:12 PM
Basically, what happened was. Mr. Pug was out with his friends bowling like he does every week. Bowling is over at 9 and he usually is home by 10 p.m. At 10:40 p.m. when he still wasn’t home I called him on his cell phone to make sure he was all right. He answered saying, “I’m on my way home honey.” I asked if something was wrong and he said no and that he would explain when he got there. Before TiH I would have yelled at him right there on the phone that he should have called. However, I didn’t and I waited for him to get home.
When he walked in the door I asked if everything was ok. He said yes and started to tell me about bowling. I cut him off and said, “Next time can you please just call me to let me know you are going to be late so I’m not sitting here worried?” He said yes quickly and then immediately started talking about bowling again. I felt like he just shrugged off the issue of him not calling. I looked at him very upset and he said, “I apologized OK! What more do you want me to say.” I told him that just cause he’s “in charge” doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants with no regards to my feelings. He fired back with, “You wouldn’t be this mad if you weren’t on your rag.” Well this just pushed me over the edge. I told him that had nothing to do with it and I stomped upstairs upset and we went to bed angry and not speaking.
An hour or so later I rolled over and apologized. He said he was sorry too but I was still livid. We made love and didn’t really talk about the fight.
The next night when he got home he showered and laid in bed for a while to relax and I laid next to him. He brought up the night before and said that he knew I was really pissed. I explained that I was hurt that he just dismissed my feelings and blamed it on my PMS. He calmly said that he was sorry for not calling and that he was distracted and honestly just forgot. He said he would remember next time. He said he still felt that I was more upset and felt that it was because of my hormones. I told him that I was moody and agreed that I was short tempered like I always am during that time of the month. I told him I really am trying to keep my temper in check. He asked if there was anything he could do. I told him no.
We started messing around and then started having sex. I was on top of him and he looked me in the eyes and asked me if I was stressed. I nodded. He asked if I needed something. I nodded again. He asked what I needed. I told him I wanted anal sex (mainly cause it makes me feel very submissive) after we were done and he came in me I said to him with my face practically hiding in the pillow that I really needed a spanking. He said he knew it and was going to do it anyway.
He spanked me for a while until I was just shedding a few tears. He asked if it was enough and I said yes. He asked if I was moody and bratting out? I told him no and he spanked me hard for a long time. He asked me again if I was moody and bratting out. I cried and told him yes and that I was sorry and loved him and would try harder. He spanked me more and more until I was really crying. I felt so much better. He could have kept going but I think he felt I’d had enough. He held me and told me he loved me and said he would spank me from now on when he thinks I need it during my period to help alleviate some of the tension. I told him thank you.
After wards I was rejuvenated and even cheerful. Today when my period actually started I still felt great. Every time I sat down on my sore butt I remembered my strong man bringing me back to submission. I was able to concentrate on my class work and even stopped and got him a hot chocolate as a surprise and dropped it off to him at his work. He asked me to stay and keep him company while he drank it. He was very sweet. He smiled at me a lot today. I really love him. It’s amazing how something like spanking can really center me like that. Even though it hurts I think it’s the crying that does it for me. I’m a tough cookie and yet I’m a child under his strong hands.
They all say on TiH that when the spanking starts all they can think about is the pain and then this wave comes over them and they feel connected and calmed. When I would read that I would think to myself that I’d only be able to think about the pain. I was wrong. I really do feel a wave of calmness come over me. I wouldn’t say I don’t feel the pain it just dulls a little compared to the euphoria.
Thanks for suggesting the maintenance spanking. I think it is something that is now part of our full time relationship.
Feb 1 2007, 10:29 PM
stargazer!? lol... you make me sound like nessy, or a yetti.
yay for pugs!
i love that. honesty, and knowing what you need, and being able to talk to the mr about it. i am so proud of you!
i know how you feel. (believe me i am super jealous too!) i so miss sub space-- that high from feeling deeply submissive. so nice... for me it is being tied up. my ex used to tie me up when i got stressed out. i know there are some people who worry about being tied up, but for me it was so centering. often i would become so relaxed i'd fall asleep in the middle of a 'scene.' great for me,
not so much for my domme.
. the best was when she'd saran wrap me from shoulder to knees. i never knew saran wrap was so strong. and i never knew i loved being so helpless....
Feb 1 2007, 10:54 PM
*runs and tackles her and smothers her with kisses.*
Ok, with that out of the way. I have to say that it is so hard to ask Mr. Pug for a spanking. Even though I like it so and it should make me feel very submissive which I also like. It’s so hard admitting that it’s something that will help me to feel better. Why is that? I think that is still that silly pride of mine. The TiH website says the woman should never have to ask for it but in all honesty Mr. Pug (like most men) doesn’t pick up on hints or subtleness. I know I just need to be open and ask but I guess that’s just something I have to get more comfortable with.
I need to get this off my chest as well!
WHERE IS THE GODDAMN SNOW? ALL DAY THE WEATHERMEN HAVE BEEN SAYING, “SNOW IS COMING! BE READY” AND YET…NO SNOW. I WANT A BLIZZARD. PLESAE BRING ON THE SNOW ALREADY. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!
Ok, sorry! I really just needed to say that. Anyway.. I’m so glad your back. Post away will you
Feb 1 2007, 11:51 PM
pugsy, you are such a doll. ty.
sorry, but if the site says you should never have to ask, then in that respect, the site is full of it. in my book, bdsm is about communicating desire. building trust between you and your partner. learning how to talk to them about the most deep and personal things. it's hardest to talk to the person you love about those things than anything else and you are both learning how to do that. building your vocabulary to talk. finding the tools to talk. and that is so incredibly beautiful. don't stop. it's one of the most precious things you can learn.
Feb 2 2007, 12:46 AM
pugs, that was so sweet of mr. pugs. i hope i didn't offend you with my comments. i think what eventually happened was the need to be open and honest with what you want. and mr. pugs...being the awesome man that he is...wanted to bring you pleasure. really touches my heart. i also think girltrouble is right in that communication is key in BDSM. it sounds like both of you are on to something really special and connecting.
girltrouble, the saran wrap makes me think of a man ray photo i have in my room where the body is covered in saran wrap.
i'm really into astrology. and i read somewhere that virgos get turned on by dungeons, goth, etc. well, i took one look at my room and laughed. i have these gothic type curtains. 2 white candle scones on my wall. my bedframe is black in a romantic style. my own personal dungeon...
Feb 2 2007, 08:22 AM
I found this website the other day. It’s a BDSM website. They have women write in and request a scene be done to them on this site and they update it every week. They do all kinds of shit to them. They tie them up and suspend them in some crazy ways. They gag them. They spank, use fucking machines and all kinds of toys. They make them cum over and over again until the girls are spent. I will admit I’m kind of sheltered to this stuff. This seems to be to be a very hardcore site but still safe, sane and consensual. They talk a lot about safe words in the FAQ section. All of the girls are smiling at the end of their scene. I showed it to Mr. Pug and he said, “Jesus, are you into that?” I told him no but in all honesty I have to admit that I was turned on by it. I’d purchase a month subscription to it just to see what they really do to these women. It’s so intense looking. The thing I like is it’s not porn. The women are by no means “porn”ish looking. The reactions on their faces look realistic. It did really turn me on and I keep going back to it and reading more of the excerpts they have from each girl’s individual scene. You only see pictures with genitals blacked out until you pay and become a member. Then you get each girls beginning and end interview, video of the scene, photos and more. I think it’s really hot.
Mr. Pug’s reaction to it didn’t surprise me in the last and neither did my reaction. I have to say the more I think about BDSM and/or TiH (which are two different ways of life entirely) the more I know that a happy marriage between the two is what I was meant to do sexually. It turns me on so deeply that sometimes I worry that I’m getting obsessed. I think about sex constantly and I’m all over Mr. Pug. He doesn’t even ask for it anymore, I’m usually the one asking or offering. I’m worried that maybe I’m becoming an annoyance. He says he likes this but I sense different. I feel totally unfocused and distracted. This is new for me. Any suggestions?
Anyone interested in the site just send me a PM. Last time a website was posted in the BDSM room it started a shit storm and I’m only giving it to those I know to have an open mind and won’t freak out.
I’m very open-minded so pretty much anyone can say anything to me and I’ll listen. Especially when I’m asking for advice. I’m no rocket scientist and when I ask for advice I usually really need it. Don’t worry about offending me with your comments. Fire away!
I agree that TiH is full of shit when it says “you should have to ask for it”. Come on. Men aren’t mind readers and they don’t pick up on hints. They are all about communication but “don’t ask for it”. That makes no sense.
Feb 2 2007, 12:30 PM
Argg! I'm becoming obsessed with it too and I have no one to practice with!
Tonight I sort of have a first date with a guy and I know the whole time I'm gonna be judging him like "is he capable of taking me the way I want it?",..but I don't want to think that way cuz I know its something that needs time. I'm so impatient! Last night I had this amazing wet dream with Clive Owen (still on my brain since I saw Children of Men recently) and I woke up laughing cuz the premise was so out there! Basically I go up to him at a bar and bat my eyelashes at him, and in all seriousness he's all "my goodness, you poor thing, you need to be fucked dont you?" and I nod,..he lifts me up like I'm a wounded, feeble girl and he goes through the crowd saying, "outta the way! I need to get this girl to a HOTEL!" as if he was taking me to the hospital! Thats what I feel like. I need to get laid as if my life depends on it.
Of course, I hope I can get this outta my head tonight so I dont seem desperate. Shit, I'm not even sure if I like this guy but I'm scared I might just throw myself at him just because hes a man! Breathe greenbean breathe.
Feb 2 2007, 12:41 PM
greenbean, omg!! i was thinking about clive owen too!! more so his character in the movie "closer." and i'm frustrated too 'cause i have no one to practice with too.
pugs, i know what you mean. i really get off on satisfying a lover. it kinda sounds like a pandora's box has been opened for you. very new and enticing. it sounds like you are just enjoying yourself and being with your husband. nothing wrong with that.
Feb 2 2007, 10:38 PM
i think it's all very new. someone posted here talking about how they were obsessed with bdsm, then it all seemed the same. that could happen. who knows? i think the thing is to follow what you find interesting, and when it ceases to be interesting try something new. there are all kinds of things, to introduce your partner to new elements...
i have two ways of introducing kink. show and tell, and the kernel theory.
first the kernel theory: start small, where you are, plant the seed.
my advise pugs is to tell mr pugs you can't stop thinking about this one thing on the site that turned you on, whatever it is, but focus on a small, easily do able segment -- and ask him what he thinks of it. like this-- tell him you want to see what it's like to be tied up (ok, we know how i feel about this), ask him if he can tie your wrists loosely with the belt of your robe, next time you are being spanked. but plant the seed. presenting full blown fantasies is often pretty intimidating-- especially when you are starting-- but if you just start out with a little kernel of what gets you hot, then he can access it at a level he feels comfortable at.
i can understand how people thing bdsm is a bit much, but you never start out full blown, dressed up, on a st. christopher's cross with custom made floggers. you start out with your boyfriend using scarfs and ties to tie you to the bed.
start with the kernel, water and nourish it and watch it grow!
and the show and tell theory:
to introduce anything to your partner, is to show & tell them how much something turns you on...since then no matter what it is, my thing is, if it turns my partner on, ask her why, and what she finds erotic about it. more often than not hearing them talk about it ends up being my door way to a new kink.
my gf k introduced me to breath play/choking, by bringing my hand over to her throat while we were fucking. i got really squicked-- i don't like violence against women, and i would have never thought it was a turn on in a million years, but seeing how hot it got her changed that. i loved making her hot, and would do almost anything to make her happy, and it made her very happy. now i love being choked (or choking) by someone i trust.
i was dating another girl who loved having her feet played with, and frankly, i never thought feet were at all sexy....till her. one day, sitting in a car she kicked off her shoes and put them on the dash on my side of the car, asking if i thought she had pretty feet. i told her i never really thought about it, and i haddn't....till her. she put her feet in my lap and got me hard just rubbing her feet in my lap. i loved seeing how turned on it made her, and hearing her talk about having her arches strokes, got me so hot i almost came.
show and tell. if it's making you hot, more than likely, it will make him hot if you present it to him.
Feb 3 2007, 09:20 AM
I think that is a good idea. I do like the elbows being tied together behind the woman’s back on this BDSM site I was telling everyone about. Maybe I’ll ask Mr. Pug to tie my wrists together with this black scarf I have next time he’s spanking me. I’m still trying to get him comfortable with the spanking first. I think it really bothers him spanking me till I cry. You can hear the change in his voice from when we start to when we are done. When we start he’s very commanding and authoritative. When we are done and I’m crying there is all this fear and doubt in his voice that he might have gone to far or hurt me. I tell him every time that it does hurt but in a good way. That I feel so much better when it’s over. That he didn’t go to far and could have gone further if he wanted. I’m not scared of him and that I love him deeply.
I think the key question to all of this is (and I asked him this the other night)…
Mr. Pug, in the highly unlikely situation that you and I didn’t work out and we decided to leave one another, would you pursue this kind of sex with a new girl or would you go back to the things we used to do?
This question is a really good one I think. If he wasn’t into what we were doing he’d say something like, “I’d do it if the girl wanted me to.” But he didn’t say that. He said, “Yeah, I’d look for a girl that was into TiH or some BDSM. It’s fun, makes sense and feels right to me.” BINGO!!
Saying that really made me feel better. I think now I know that he is doing this for him as well as for me.
Ok, I’ve got to go clean. Daddy Pugs told me if I am a good girl he’d reward me when he gets home from coaching the kids at the bowling alley.
Love ya all!!
The Good Girl
Feb 3 2007, 10:13 AM
girl trouble, that is some of the best advice that i have ever heard for introducing any sort of new sex play into your life. having a partner that wants to do things that get you off is the biggest turn on i know of.
lmpugs, you are not such a GOOD girl, but you certainly are a LUCKY one! hugs!
Feb 3 2007, 06:47 PM
As was mentioned before my boy and I sort of naturally fell into a pseudo-TiH relationship, but without reading anything about it or subscribing to any particular set of rules. I've found that one of my favorite things about it is that I get to be the loudmouthed, bossy, whiny brat that I am (that I can't be at work, school, with friends, etc), and he loves it because when I'm being a brat he can be the macho dom that he can't be otherwise (since he's a sensitive, thoughtful artist). So when I'm on the rag and feeling whiny, I just let it all out and instead of taking it personally or getting upset, he grabs my head and pushes it down to crotch level or bends me over for a spanking. When I'm whining a lot he says something like "I'll give you something to whine about" and we both love it. Maybe this isn't how TiH works, but whatever this is works for us. I would suggest you just find whatever works for you, not necessarily what works for other people even if it means not doing a traditional TiH relationship like you had been planning. I know this is probably really obvious advice, but don't forget that it's your relationship and you can do it however the two of you want to do it.
Feb 3 2007, 07:25 PM
go kayte -
I love your examples of how your man puts you in check. Especially, the whole pushing your head down to crotch level. I gave Mr. Pugs some lip this afternoon in the kitchen and he gave me a couple swats with a spatula from the counter.
Everyone's advice is fantastic here. I have one question totally unrealted to BDSM though. I want to get a friend a house warming gift. Which thread can I talk about that in?
Feb 3 2007, 07:36 PM
pugs, despite the name, It's Better to Give Than to Receive isn't a thread for tops, it's the gift-giving thread! I bumped it for you in AbFad.....
Feb 4 2007, 01:09 AM
sixelacat, you are too funny!
Feb 4 2007, 12:55 PM
you are so funny!
Feb 4 2007, 11:55 PM
When we are done...there is all this fear and doubt in his voice that he might have gone to far or hurt me. I tell him every time that it does hurt but in a good way. That I feel so much better when it’s over. That he didn’t go to far and could have gone further if he wanted.
one thing that will get rid of that is reinforcement of safeword protocol. set up a time to play with the intent of practicing using safe words. talk about how there is red (stop immediately) and yellow (slow down) and use the safe word in different ways to give feed back, if only to 'exercize those muscles.' say my safe word was 'fillibuster' so in the middle of a spanking i'd say "fillibuster yellow. it feels good but the welts on my ass can't take anymore for a while. can you stroke my behind, or, what would really get me hot is if you powdered my behind with talc." and that would redirect the scene and change the pace. so a good domme would see how you behave when you safeworded yellow, and be able to read you after you said it a few times. -- and that's when it gets good. cos a good dom will notice those involentary signals and learn to play you like an instrument. and it becomes this physical dialog between the two of you.
one thing that is VERY VERY VERY important is that the sub use safe words. if you have never used a safe word with your dom, don't pat yourself on the back, cos you aren't doing your part. i'm not telling you to do it for no reason or to 'top from the bottom' but that you should atleast be comfortable with the word, or communicating durring a scene. it could be just to slow down or redirect, but one of the most crucial things is to use that power, and become comfortable with it. it's part of speaking this language you are learning. the more conversant you become in it, the more things you can talk about. and using your safe word, talking about it before and after you play, keeps it fresh in both minds. once you are at ease with using it, you will use it less frequently, and simply give feedback in scene.
communication is the key with BDSM. the domme will be aware that s/he can go further, and it frees hir* to go further, but it also keeps the idea that you need to be self aware enough to say when, even when you are playing. this is even more important if you get into more extreme play-- or even if you don't. and here is why: safewords are also used for emotional reasons too. there have been scenes where i used my safeword because the things that were being said to me were hitting on some emotional triggers, and i was begining to lose it. other times, i needed to have that sort of cathartic release, but i needed to make sure that i had a 'soft landing' so i used it to slow things down. now whispering in someone's ear is not exactly edgeplay. but we all carry emotional baggage, and have emotional landmines that are hidden. words can be just as dangerous as a whip, and part of bdsm is being aware of the emotional side as well. checking in durring a scene as well as after is a good habit to get into.
when i played with my super-mascohist friend, i knew i could whip, flog and spank him to my heart's content (although spanking hurt my hand more than it hurts his ass), but as my ex reminded me, he has had a few heart attacks, so i rely on him to tell me when to slow down, and when he is doing just fine. infact what makes him one of the best subs to play with is that he gives such detailed feedback that i can't help but learn... when i caned him, afterwords, he would say, "you need to do this, but be careful of wrap around, because that might hit in a sensitive area. or, be sure to warm me up more with a flogger, etc, etc. it's that info from the sub that makes a dom a good dom, and not a power tripping asshole. in a sense, you are training him.
ok, enough of my little novel, i'm starting to think i need to call my friend and arrange another caning tutorial.
*just cos i need the practice i am going to move to using gender neutral pronouns(s/he, hir or ze) when explaining these things. it just bugs me to always be putting 'he' when i am talking about this, even when i am talking about mr pugs in specific, i just love femdom, and i want to encourage it in my posts....
Feb 5 2007, 05:30 AM
We did have one day of extreme play and during the act Mr. Pug literally asked me if I needed to “safeword out”. I told him no. He said, “You can if you want you know. I won’t look down on you.” I said no cause I really didn’t have to. It wasn’t bad enough to use my safeword. TRUST ME! I told him that I have no problem using my safeword. We really don’t have a yellow and red safeword. Are they the same just said with a different tone or are they different words? I think having a yellow with him would be a good idea. I think he worries that he is going to spank me over and over and that one swat will take me from green to red and then he will feel bad. If I could tell him express to him that it’s bad but not too bad that he needs to stop I think he’d feel better. Can you help me with this yellow safeword a little? Explain, explain…
Feb 5 2007, 04:32 PM
Horny, horny, horny!
And now, on to Technical Drafting class which is so boring. Think I’ll cut out early and head on home.
We are supposed to get snow on Wednesday here in Delaware. YES!!!
Post something already fellow floggers! Are we all too good to post here all the sudden? LOL. This is the only excitement during my long, long, long school day.
Feb 5 2007, 04:59 PM
Wish I had something to post, but I haven't so much as made-out with a boy in almost two months! Must be a record for me!
I have to go to a boring class tonight too. My teacher is hot but he's married. Funny, the class is coincidently all women! He treats us egaltarianly (is that a word?) but I bet he sure has some fantasies about being the official leader of a pack of ladies. Last week he made a joke poking fun at me, as the class laughed I shot a look at him and he winked at me. Grrrr. I refuse to be hot for a teacher thats married! I refuse!
Feb 5 2007, 08:42 PM
oh, i don't think i'm good pugs.
like greenbean, i have nothing to post either. too damn cold here.
Feb 5 2007, 09:41 PM
the yellow thing is just to add specificity to the safeword. so 'fillibuster' could just be fillibuster! and that is red, or fillibuster yellow! to slow or filibuster red! for red, or you can just say yellow or red, but that may not work in a scene depending on your surroundings.
does that make sense?
Feb 6 2007, 06:43 AM
Oh, my sociology teacher is a marine and he is so hot and not married but in a LTR. I have no problem paying attention in that class, watching his tight ass walk around the room. He’s a pacer too, back and forth, back and forth.
Drives me mad. Speaking of driving me mad, Mr. Pugs is about to get a divorce.
LOL (just kidding) but seriously, he’s withholding from me.
He does that from time to time and it just drives me through the roof. I want to just go to his work and push him onto a car and mount him right there and then. He just doesn’t know what this does to me. I can’t concentrate on anything and all I can think about is what I want him to do to me. Every morning like clockwork he rolls over and pushes his rock hard cock into my ass (without actual penetration) and whispers “naughty” things in my ears while pinching my nipples between his fingers.
Then he tells me he’ll “try” to save some energy for me when he gets home from work. I mean he comes home plays PlayStation then throws together whatever I got out for him to cook.
By the time I get home from school, usually 9:30 p.m., he’s “too tired” to do anything. AHHHHH!!! He loves to drive me insane like this. I’m also in need of a good spanking and right before we go to bed he’ll rub his hands all over my ass and then just say goodnight and roll over. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Someone is going to die in the Pug house if momma doesn’t get some soon. I just want to beat the shit out of my pillow after he leaves in the morning but I don’t. I usually just masturbate and call it a day.
I forgot where I parked last night at school so I was walking around in –2 degrees at 9 p.m. last night, eyes tearing, and shaking terribly trying to find my car.
Do they really need six parking levels? Come on now! I hate this cold weather. My skin is so dry. I’m lotioning all the time. My face is so broken out from being so dry. My mom and I got a pedicure done the other day so at least my feet look great.
I’ve got it. Thanks for your advice.
I’m going to talk to Mr. Pug about adjusting the safeword. Maybe that will make him feel better about the whole “hurting me” thing.
ALRIGHTY THEN! I’m off to battle the blistering cold. Today it’s Intro to Mechanical Engineering (10:30 a.m.), Sociology (2 p.m.) and Algebra & Trigonometry I (7 p.m.). I won’t be home until 9:30 p.m. and Mr. Pug probably won’t get home till 10:30 p.m. tired as usual and unable (unwilling) to satisfy my sexual needs. Good day to all of you busties!
Feb 6 2007, 10:16 AM
girl trouble, i have to say it again, you give the best advice!! dren. if i didn't live in africa and if i wasn't in a monogamous relationship, i would SO beg you to be my domme.
i would add to your great advice that if you are into gags at at, of any kind, it would be good to agree on another form of indicating that you are reaching yellow or red points. some sort of body motion is good. for example, slapping the bed or the floor or whatever surface you happen to be on. unless you have your hands bound in some way.
mmmmmmmmm. i should know better than to lurk in this thread. living half way around the world from my partner is really bad for my sex life. however, on the bright side, i get to read about everyone else's.
Feb 6 2007, 12:24 PM
See I’m confused. Mr. Pug and I don’t do much other then him spanking me and for me that’s quite enough. I don’t think you can really classify that as BDSM. Not that I need to be classified or anything but I’m not so sure that we need different levels of safewords. I’m not sure we need a safeword period. We have one but I’ve never had to use it. He doesn’t tie me up or gag me. We have rough sex but if it’s too rough I just say to him, “Baby it’s too much,” and he’ll stop or slow down some. Once, Mr. Pug and I were having a long and hard session. My legs were getting tired and lube was drying out and I was just ready for it to be over. I think he was really enjoying himself and didn’t want to stop yet but he saw in my face that I was getting tired. To try to get me back into it he sort of dared me to “safeword out”. He said, “Oh, are you getting tired? Is this too much for you? Do you need to safeword out?” This kind of charged my pride and I told him no which in turn made him go harder. To make a long story short it was a great session and I’m glad we kept going. Now, had he really started to hurt me I would have used my safeword or just told him to stop without hesitation and he would have stopped with no problem. He just knows me very well and knows what to say to get me going again. If we ever started to use gags or he tied me up then I would definitely make sure we had a safeword or gesture down incase it got to be too much or needed to slow down. That leads me to ask the question, if you’re tied up and gagged what would you do to show that you want to stop? Is it like a blinking your eyes three times thing or making a funny noise or what? Also, Mr. Pug and I are considering trying a mock rape
. I read about it online and I really want to try it but I want to make sure I have all the bases covered before attempting. Have any of you ever done this before? Is this like a scene or is it unexpected? If it’s a scene doesn’t that kind of take away some of the thrill? Am I crazy to want to do this? Has anyone ever had a bad experience with this? Any information you can offer would be great.
Feb 6 2007, 03:30 PM
(pugs, I'd like to talk about this but I dont think its a good time, seeing as things are flairing up again)
Waves to Tesao and Stargazer! We can all collectively sigh about not having partners right now. Stargazer, I adore you, but if we both had a shot at Clive Owen I'd have to fight you to the death!
Feb 6 2007, 03:50 PM
bring it, greenbean!! don't play nice with me!!
so, i don't think this constitutes as BDSM. but, i was thinking today how i miss teasing a partner. i definitely love to tease as a form of seduction. really turns me on. and it turns me on to see my partner squirm and get aroused as i withhold any kind of touching of me. i would do this with my ex. it wasn't any big production. i would be particularly fond of walking around naked after a shower. just being naked period was a big turn on for her. touching only commenced when i allowed her to do it. oh, and getting dressed up in some nice lingerie. i miss that too. this cold weather is making my mind play tricks on me!!
pugs, being mexican, i'm really big on speaking spanish in bed. i just like dirty talk in general. i would get creative with the safewords. use a romance language. if you don't feel like using or the need for safewords, then don't use 'em. but, it could be something to talk about with your partner.
tes, i don't know how you do it being away from mr. hotbuns....
girltrouble, like tes, i would like to see you in action. but, i don't think i would be so obedient. i was raised a catholic school kid. i'm all about breaking the rules!
Feb 6 2007, 11:36 PM
sorry about the novel.
teasing and denial are completely bdsm. as is spanking. hell, if done right talking in someone's ear is bdsm. infact that is the kind of bdsm i enjoy most. nothing turns me on more than being sedcutively denied-- except, maybe seductively denying someone.
some of my most memorable sexual experiences are from before i even did any bdsm just making out with girls. infact, one girl-- jessica-- will always have a special place in my heart. we dated for months, seeing each other constantly, but we never consumated our relationship, but she had this way of saying no that was almost like a mew. and she loved saying no. i know some people (we all know who), would say no means no, but when i would go to far she would simply say "stop." and i would each time. i would ask her if she wanted me to stop, but she would say no to that too. it was this fantastically seductive little dance. and even now, i remember kissing her and thinking, "i don't want to go any further. i could do this for hours (and we did, frequently), i love making out with her sooooo much, if we do more, it would just spoil it....
oh, yeah, bdsm and teasing.
how do you think all those dommes have clients without having sex with them? it is that teasing part of female power. having been a man, i can tell you, most women will never being to fathom the power they wield. but one of my techniques is definately teasing. i love being sweet as pie. infact here is a bit from my profile:
i am not the kind of domina to yell, or scream. i prefer to never raise my voice. my style is like a pussycat. instead i love being a tease, whispering in your ear, and then causing you pain.
and as for you breaking rules, stargazer, although some domina like that, i don't. being good gets you what you want. bad behavior means you don't get my attention. you get ignored.
my favorite is sweet talking-- and this is what i mean by bdsm can simply be whispering in someone's ear.
warning-- i am definately a sadist-- particularlly with boys.
i was playing with my super masochist friend and i made this thing called a humbler (a humbler is a vise like device placed on the male genitals-- particularly the balls -- that keeps a man from standing without great pain.) out of odd objects, chopsticks etc--and put it on him, then i did a couple of other things, to make sure his boy parts were in severe pain. at which point he said he wanted to stop. i walked around in front of him and lifted his chin with my finger, and looked him in the eye, smiling. i told him that i was very proud of him for enduring so much for me. but i know him, and i thought he could take more. then i walked over to his left ear, and whispered in his ear, that i thought he was a good boy, such a good boy and a fantastic submissive, i purred in his ear that he made me so very proud. stroking his back and ass, i told him i thought he was so very brave, but i thought he could take more for me. i kissed his cheek and asked if he would take more for me, because it would make me extremely happy. he thought about it for a second, and then said i could continue.
it's not the things that i was doing that made it bdsm to me so much as the relationship i have with him. the whispering was what i found the most satisfying. psyche play is so much more rewarding, if i am the bottom or the top. bdsm is much more than whips and chains. my ex does it for endorphine release. i do it because it is a means of connecting to a body that has been foreign to me for most of my life, and to learn trust. it is many different things to different people.
...as for what i did next, let's just say he was hurting for 3 days after that. now if you are wondering, no, i am not even close to being the domme that has put the greatest hurt on him. his usual playmates make me look like a beginner-- to say the least.
spanking is so bdsm, but you can call it what you want. i'm just glad you've found what makes you happy. but don't think you are weird for liking/needing this, or that it makes you weak. an old ex emailed me saying that she misses getting spanked, and choked, and opined "maybe i am just a girl who needs to be slapped around now and again." and this is a girl who used to pick all 6' of me up and carry me over the threshold of our apartment. i know you say that spanking is enough for you, but some of your older posts say something different. one thing that always made me happy was when my ex, t would tie me to the bed at night. she would tell me how much i made her proud, and that put a lot of my frustration at bay. when dealing with dom/sub relationships, you will be amazed at how much that approval will do. for me i found it amazingly comforting, it was a great way of putting lots of my insecurities to rest.
as for the mock rape, i have not done that, (and i have to admit the page title squicked me a bit) but, as with much edge play (and mock rape is that, make no mistake), do a lot of research. i would say that you should plan everything for the first couple of goes, and less as you go on. but i would say work up to it doing a bit of bondage play. you need to know that you can trust mr. pugs implicitly, and YOU, AND MR PUGS NEED TO KNOW HOW EACH OF YOU WILL HANDLE THESE THINGS. i know you trust him, but rape play is not the same as a spanking. do some bondage play, do some other things to explore your sense of trust/safety way before you do rape. LEARN HOW TO USE YOUR SAFE WORD FOR EMOTIONAL CONDITIONS. never ever just jump into edge play with someone you haven't done extreme play. you may find you aren't ready for the level of trust required, you may have an emotional 'landmine' that even you don't know about. baby steps, chica. please? for something like this i think you need to learn how to understand the emotional/psychological side of bdsm. which spanking is not a large part of. read more about bdsm, so you can grasp some important basic concepts. the book BDSM101 is a great handbook to understand the whys and wherefores, but also, it will help you get more out of whatever play you do do. get more practise with mr pugs doing after care. for such an intense scene, a good sense of what to do in terms of what sort of things you need to cope with the scene. understand, this is EDGEPLAY. it could be the thing that could end your relationship. you may be be emotionally scared from this, and it may do significant psychological damage. DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. PLEASE. i don't mean to disuade you, if you want to do it, do it, but do so with extreme caution. there are some things about bdsm that i don't think you are mr pugs have down yet, and i don't want things to end badly.
Is this like a scene or is it unexpected?
If it’s a scene doesn’t that kind of take away some of the thrill?
no. the whole thing with bdsm is that it is done in a context where consent and safety SHOULD BE PARAMOUNT. what makes bdsm hot is to be able to explore these taboo things, knowing that you are safe, but feeling safe enough to indulge in fantasy knowing at the end you are in a safe place with a person you should trust deeply. even married couples may not have a deep connection for this kind of play. remember:SSC: Safe, Sane, Consentual.
Am I crazy to want to do this?
no. it's rather common. but you are crazy to want to do it without doing the homework/laying the ground work. learn the basics of bdsm first. please.
Feb 7 2007, 12:09 AM
Girltrouble, I totally agree with you about the safeword. It's good thing to have. I have had some experiences with chokefucking and wish so much there had been a safeword--because you think you don't need one and then things can become scary. There are therapeutic aspects to this stuff and part of what makes it work (or go completely sour and dissolve trust) is the intensity and surprise, which depends on the understanding that you have a way out. It can also get into some extreme stuff that can be extend beyond the scene and release trauma or emotions that you have to be ready for. Being ready can mean being ready to stop...and I think a safeword is part of giving someone your trust completely--you trust them with your body, but you also give yourself the right to be present and interactive. In some ways a safeword also keeps it in the realm of play, which can make it more freeing.
Also, I think there are different degrees of "no" from teasing, to stop/don't stop, to this resounding, full-body NO--and you deserve the full range of expression. Sometimes no can be you experiencing your own boundaries, you wait out the fear and it gets really hot, and other times it can arise out of miscommunication or extreme discomfort. When you think, as I have in scenes without a safeword (my mistake--I hope talking about it can preclude someone's experience of this) that your partner may really want to kill you, a safword is a good reality check. Sorry if this sounds macabre, but boundaries are hard to feel out, and words help you to give them more texture...
Feb 7 2007, 12:36 AM
welcome to the thread, lapis. glad to have you here.
i agree. i had a (good) domme show me the hard way why you never play without a safeword. and i will never forget that lesson. it was one of the scariest times ive played but i was glad she did it. i needed to understand, and know to NEVER EVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.
Feb 7 2007, 11:26 AM
girltrouble, thank you for your feedback as always! it is interesting how those little things i've found pleasure in both the bedroom and in everyday life can be connected with BDSM. i also really appreciate the fact that you emphasize BDSM not being about just whips and chains. i think some of the devices are just a small part of it. there is this whole unspoken part of BDSM that is not being emphasized enough. but, i think because most people stick to stereotypes of this type of interaction.
your post got me thinking alot. especially if i am different with either men or women in my tease and seduction. i love tease and deny with women very much. with men, i love to tease, but i get crazy when they withhold with me. i can so relate this behavior to my upbringing. anyway...either way, i love to be pampered and i will be very pleasing to my lover who takes care of me. and as much as i kid with you, girltrouble, about not following the rules...i wouldn't play around with you. uh, i know you are serious. i know that is whay i pull for with lovers. i tease to test the boundaries of their ability to assert his/her power on me, to protect me, and take care of me. if you are questionable or inconsistent, then i will act out and not follow the rules, especially if i don't feel a sense of involvement with you. and i'm not just talking in terms of sex here. but, i know myself to see how this dynamic gets played out in other areas. i would like to provoke my ex to play wrestle with me. it was good to see her assert herself with me, especially because i was tired of being in the lead all of the time. also, a good way to see my vulnerability. i may be a dom is some areas of my life, but i really want a lover who will take control.
i'm not into yelling or screaming either. i'm more into sweet talking. i love to pull my lover close to me than push my lover away. talking is a great way for me to feel that my lover is present with me in the moment and feeling pleasure. spanking is great for me because it is a sensation of my lover's hand on me and helps me to relax and let go. if that makes sense. psyche play is rewarding for me too.
also, i think it is great advice to give pugs. take things slowly. communication always. oh, and i want to read that book BDSM 101 now...
hey lapis! welcome!
Feb 7 2007, 11:47 AM
Psyche play is definitely the hottest part of all this for me. I agree GT, being whispered to is sooo awesome. Especially when withholding is involved. My favorite partner would come up behind me and talk dirty in my ear. He wasnt the first guy to talk dirty to me, but the best. The twist was, rather than tell me what he wanted to do to me, he told me what *I* wanted to do to him, thus really planting in my head what he wanted.
One of the most erotic experiences I had was in a car with this boy, with no physical contact. He was mad (mock mad really) at me for something, and as we drove along he says, "I bet you are just dying to pull over and suck me off right now arent you?" I would eagerly nod. He would supress his smile and coolly reply, "Well, thats not gonna happen. You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking I would let you." Aaaarg!! It killed me! He was genius.
Feb 7 2007, 03:51 PM
I think if Mr. Pug said that to me that I would have to pull over quick enough that his head hit the window and knocked him out so he wouldn't be able to put up a fight while I sucked him off. LOL
That is so hot. "I bet you are just dying to pull over and suck me off right now arent you?"
I'm still in school trying to recover from the post I just did in the Apology thread. Your post made me laugh and also very horny. Thanks!!
I too agree that Psyche play is the best part. Mr. Pug will tell me to turn around in the kitchen and lean over the counter. Then he'll just leave me there while he continues to do whatever he's doing and I'm always just anticipating the thwack but it never comes. He's just fucking with my head. DRIVES ME INSANE!!
Feb 7 2007, 06:05 PM
omg, gbean that is a riot! i love it!
stargazer, i am the same way when i bottom, i test boundries, and if you are inconsistant, i lose interest in your topping. i am not a horrible bottom, i just can't sub for very long. i just need to come up for air. to re-evaluate things. that said there are some places or people it's hard for me not to sub to. as much as things are over with my ex, if she feeds me food, i am hers, i can't help it, it was the safest place and play with her, and i never felt more loved than when she fed me. it's like that part of me she really got. the other is being tied to the bed at night. yeah, i would untie the knots in my sleep (i broke my arm so i can't have my wrists tied tightly), but it was how she talks to me when she ties me up that puts me right into sub space (just got chills). she tells me that i am a good girl, and i make her proud and it's all over.
i have to admit, pugs, there is only one person who i've enjoyed being spanked by, and we are just friends and probably will never play again, and my ex, well, she's more of a sadist than i am (she pierced both my nipples and i have never seen her as turned on as when it got very messy and very bloody), and it took only one spanking to make my safe word spring from my lips....spanking is like good kissing in my book, sure everyone should be able to do it well, but after a while you realize it's so not true.
yeah pretty much every thing can be worked into a bdsm context. it's how you use it. how you talk about it, and incorperate it into the scene. think about all those subs who love getting into a french maid's outfit and cleaning. or guys painting a domme's toe nails. it's not all outfits and equipment although that can be fun. i adore caning someone. it's a ball, and a lot more intricate than you'd imagine. i love being flogged. whips not so much. i prefer thuddy sensations more than sharp ones. but all and all for me even when it comes to inflicting pain, i prefer using my body or the unexpected. you can also think about sensitivity level too. i love biting or scratching then blowing lightly, it just makes 'em squirm. i use my nails, teeth, horse bites, 'indian burns', roman knuckles, pressure/pain points, and seizing and locking martial arts moves that limit mobility, its the idea that i can seem harmless and hurt quickly and easily. ...and don't get me started with wrestling...lol
but there are lots of tools that you'd never think of. sandpaper is especially brutal, as are clothes pins, spatchlas, electric flyswatters (my ex loved those damn things) it's just a matter of giving it thought....
Feb 8 2007, 06:07 AM
I've been lurking forever and a day, but wanted to weigh in on a thing or two. Tessie knows me from a few years back, but for those who don't, I was very active in the BDSM community for a couple of years up here primarily as a sub, but I did have a sub for a little while.
In other words, it's cute and endearing as hell to see criminal lawyers beg.
As a domina, I never got off on the drill sergeant persona, either. Chiding, teasing, and purring as just as effective, especially for the reluctant, non-pain-lovin' slut. My sub really didn't like pain and LOATHED being submissive with women, but he dug subjugation with ME. Mostly because I was the Eartha Kitt of doms. He loved it when I would whisper in his ear while he was blindfolded He loved it when I would pause when I fucked him with a strapon and make him beg for release, give him a deep, throaty giggle and say simply "no". Hells, it was like being a kid again, the amount of playing and imagination work you string through it.
My last dom always said that a smart sub was the most fun to engage with, not some dishrag headcase. I expect the same from a dom, because I get bored easily. I want to be outwitted. It's a game. WHOOT!
Anyhoo, I gotta skeedaddle. My partner of 18 months has been getting more comfortable with spanking and whatnot, so I'm interested in what will come up this weekend. A couple of weekends ago, he dragged a wooden spoon out of the holder in the kitchen and gave me a swat on the ass. My reaction suprised him a bit and he smiled.
Oh, I think the man has potential.
Feb 8 2007, 07:24 AM
So last night I got home and Mr. Pug was on the computer. When I walked in the room he got off and I told him I was going to check my email, bust and then jump in the shower and then I’d be to bed. I asked him if he was tired and he said just a little. I grazed his dick with my hand and told him good and he smiled and we went separate ways.
After I got out of the shower, clean and smelling fruity, I jumped into bed. I asked him if he was in the mood and he said not really cause we had just done it the night before. I was thinking, So what. We’ve done it in the morning then at night plenty of times so what’s the point right? We were watching TV so I laid next to him and rubbed his dick through the blankets. He wasn’t rock hard but he was responding to me. He rolled over and started sucking on my nipples and rubbing my clit. We started kissing and in all honesty he had very bad breath, which is a pet peeve of mine. I asked him gently if he’d mind going and swishing with mouthwash. He made a big deal about having to get out of bed to do this and I wasn’t sure if he was over dramatizing it to be funny or if he was really irritated. This kind of irritated me and I said to him Honey, if you don’t want to mess around, and you don’t feel like getting out of bed we don’t have to tonight. We can do it another time. We just had sex last night so if you really don’t want to that’s fine. He said no and he flopped down on the bed in a huff.
He rolled over again and started back where he was before. Then he started going down on me. Before we started we were watching the first season of The Dave Chappelle Show. Before he started going down on me I asked him if we could turn it off cause it’s hard for me to focus on what he’s doing to me when I hear the funny skits in the background. He said something along the lines of, “It’s not bothering me. I can focus.” I said Whatever… and he continued to go down on me. I cum really hard when he fingers my G-Spot and eats me out at the same time. So he slips a finger in. First let me say that I’m naturally just very dry. We have to use lube all the time. When he doesn’t use it the initial insertion of anything is painful for me. So he slips a finger in (OK, not too bad) then slips another one in and like I said I’m dry so that one hurt. He’s moving back and forth and friction and lack of lube is making things difficult for me. He picks his head up, I guess cause his mouth is getting tired, and I start rubbing my clit with my fingers. I can feel him fidgeting with his arm that he’s fingering me with. I looked up at him and I said Honey, is your arm getting tired? Why don’t we just fuck and you can give your arm a rest?” He says in a very stern voice, “Yeah my arms tired, are you going to cum already? I’m not fucking you tonight. I’m not in the mood.” Well as you can image this took me from ten to zero in a second. I pulled away and he said, “Look I’m sorry but I’m just not in the mood. We just did it last night, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.” My stomach turned and I felt like crying. I apologized for “taking so long”.
We both lay there watching Chappelle Show some more and I tried going to sleep but I was really upset. He said as he continued to look at the TV that he was sorry his arm got tired. I told him it was fine. I explained that sometimes when I jerk him off my arm starts to really hurt. I asked him if next time he could just not be so nasty about it especially during the heat of the moment cause it makes me feel like shit. I was really pissed and hurt so I continued saying Baby, I don’t understand. You wanted it all the time before when I never did. Now that I want it all the time you don’t. You come up with a good number of times a week to have sex and let me know but from now on I’m not initiating. When you want it you just tell me OK?
After more silence he says, “Look my arm got tired. I’m sorry I said it with a tone and you took it the way you did.” I rolled over and went to sleep and so did he.
This morning he wakes me up. He only has about 20 minutes to get ready for work. So he wakes up and roles over and starts messing with me. Now it takes me at least 20 minutes from start to finish if I’m going to orgasm. We start having sex and he moves my hand to my clit. I told him Honey, it’s going to take me a while so don’t worry about me just enjoy yourself. He says in this infuriating voice, “Well how long will it take you?” We’ve been having sex for almost eleven years. You would think he would know that I can’t cum in five minutes unless it’s a solo quickie. So he rolls me over to doggie style and he finishes by cuming on my back. He gets up, throws me a towel to clean off with, gives me this half as kiss, gets ready for work and leaves.
Do you agree that something is bothering him and he’s taking it out on me? I asked him last night if something was on his mind that he needed to talk to me about and he said no. Maybe it’s his job or something. I don’t know. He always does this when he’s upset about something. He’ll just mope around and be moody until I drag it out of him. I really don’t care about everything that happened last night with the sex I just want him to be happy and I truly think something’s wrong. He is very stubborn and I mean it will literally take me three to four days to get out of him what’s wrong. Drives me insane.
Feb 8 2007, 11:40 AM
QUOTE(minx @ Feb 8 2007, 06:24 AM)
My last dom always said that a smart sub was the most fun to engage with, not some dishrag headcase. I expect the same from a dom, because I get bored easily. I want to be outwitted. It's a game. WHOOT!
welcome minx!! i hope you post more often in here! i agree with what you said. i love a man with a great sense of verbal wit. it means he can play. well, at least with me.
pugs, maybe just wait and see if he responds to you. you tried to initiate communication. maybe he just needs some space. one reaction i had while reading your post is making sure your needs are being met sexually. i love to please my lover...it excites me. but, i know eventually i need to speak up for what i want or else i come off (no pun intended) being passive aggressive, which means i'm not communicating what i want. i don't think you should apologize for taking long to climax. really. my ex and i were different like that. she climaxed quicker and i had longer stamina. have you used toys with each other?? or, masturbated in front of him?? just some ideas. let us know how things are going wtih you.