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neurotic.nelly
Hello BUSTies. I know that BDSM turns me on. And when my lover bites me on the neck when we are having sex, I get shivers and I can feel everything, and I am brought into the moment. My question is, how do I, as a vanilla person who knows that BDSM is what I want, make the transition with my lover/boyfriend. I have talked to him about it. And he is interested in doing what pleases me. The dilemma is we are two vanilla's trying to find our way. Should we seek out a dominatrix? That would be of interest to both of us. Actually, that's what I might do? I need it so bad.

But, I know that he likes a bit of pain too. I just am not sure how to make the transition, we've been together for four years now, I need to spice it up a bit. He knows I like it and yet we are still stuck in vanilla land. I should probably go to ________ and buy some toys this weekend! That's what I'll do! Small steps, right?

If you peps have any opinions, I am all ears!

Congrats Zoya for experimenting and journeying into new territory!


zoya
neurotic.nelly - I don't think you need to seek out a dominatrix in person, but you can look up stuff online. The internet is a wealth of information. that's where I have learned how to tie wrists / ankles with rope, in all sorts of fun knots and stuff, I've learned how to make my own flogger out of leather shoelaces, a dowel, and some duct tape (yay duct tape!), I've read all sorts of people's stories about scenes they do when they play, all about CBT and what's safe and not safe, etc etc etc.... Just do a little research of things, and figure out a couple things you want to try. Experiment with each other. Maybe just start out with something like putting clothespins on your - or his - nipples. It doesn't have to be something huge that involves purchased toys, right off the bat. In fact, I'm really enjoying finding alternative uses for household items like clothespins, wooden spoons, etc.


It definitely takes a lot of communication and trust to even experiment with it. I'm learning that for me, if I can't trust someone in all areas, not just in the bedroom, then it's going to be pretty difficult to trust them to do something like tie me up and slap a clothespin on my lady bits, safely. So I am seeing how it's not just about the pain, or the pleasure, etc. it's also about pushing the boundaries of communication and trust with your partner. If you remember to keep those things up, I think that you can pretty much try anything you agree on, and it will be just fine.

anyway, that's just my .02 cents as a newbie to this stuff
neurotic.nelly
QUOTE(zoya @ Dec 6 2008, 09:48 AM) *
I'm coming to realize that getting into this is a learning process, not just about each other, but about yourself.

Thank you for saying that. I need to keep trying new things until something shifts and opens up around this because lately I've dropped the ball, and our sex life is in the tank because I stopped that discovery process.

I am excited about using practical items that we already have around the house because it seems like less pressure than going to ________ and purchasing something. First, we can discover what we like.

Thanks for responding, it helped me think about this differently.
wink.gif

culturehandy
Zoya has given some fantastic advice.

Start with what you like first, then go from there. i didn't dive right into being marked or choked right away. Mind started with verbal humiliation and degredation then picked up from there.

I picked up a book about bdsm which had some really amazing resources at the end of it.

Also, as Zoya said about her Domme experience, there are many varying degrees. From some people who want their entire lives controlled (to be a slave) to something only in the bedroom. It's all about what you like. Trust is hugely important as is communication. Remember safe sane and consensual.

I would hold off going to a sex shop until you get to know what you really like. See what you have around the house. What if you spend 60 dollars on a strap on or a flogger only to find out you don't like it. Then you have a toy sitting around your house doing nothing. you can tie someone up with anything really. So, see what you like then go and see if there are toys suited to your needs. toys and other items for bdsm can be pretty expensive, but the stuff you can do with items around your house is free.

culturehandy
I'm sure it is a real video. Just like alien autopsy was real.

Hey mastrrik, here's a suggestion, take a long walk off a short pier you fucking douche bag loser.
zoya
hey guys - I'm having a bit of personal anonymity freakout (most likely totally unwarranted, BTW) so I'm probably going to edit my posts below down or completely out. Sorry, I know it's helpful for people to read, just like everyone's posts are really helpful for me. If you want to ask me something, PM me....
girltrouble
we all get those zoya. do what you need to make yourself feel comfortable/safe....


just sent my new sub home....!

it's very nice. he's not completely a service sub--a submissive who gains all of his pleaure from serving his dom/me. although i wish he was a pure service sub, he does require some erotic componant, minimal as it is, but i think i will aim to minimize that. i love the idea that it should take as little effort on my part to motivate him. already he is more than willing to chaufeur me all over town for little more than me telling him he's a very good boy, and stroking his hair. today we went to 7 different places, running my errands, he washed the kazillion dishes i didn't feel like doing when i was sick this week, and when not done to my satisfaction, i had him do them again, and i had him scrub my kitchen floor. somehow, i could get used to this. i day dream about the day i won't have to give him any direction/instruction... still, this ain't bad. a few days ago he brought me soup from the far end of seattle for my favorite soup, and another store for my favorite tea, just because i asked.

i am thinking this might work...
zoya
....I need one of those!
girltrouble
lol....it is pretty cool, i just wonder how long it will last. he seems serious about it tho.

the hard part is finding the right one. i rejected another one that was too needy.... and kinda gross.

this search has been a yearly thing on my part. so it's not like the first time out....

i'm kicking myself today cos i know he doesn't work today and i could have spoiled myself. instead of trudging thru the awful snow that's taken over seattle, i could have gotten door to door service from here to work....

and tomorrow he's going home for the holidays, so.... hmph.


better go bundle. sad.gif



culturehandy
GT, I'm so jealous! Lucky!
candycane_girl
Oh my lord! Where have all the kinky busties gone? I haven't done anything too kinky with my new boy yet but we've done some talking about various fantasies we want to play out and he has a lot of promise.
zoya
well all my plans for exploring new stuff, new scenes, etc got ended, so I'm pretty much not doing anything right now. probably not any time soon so unfortunately I can't add.. sad.gif

dayglowpink
Yep, I just broke up with my boy tonight, and I don't know when I'll be getting into anything interesting. Our sex life has been boring and crappy for a while, so I haven't been posting anyway.
girltrouble
yeah, there seems to be a rash of break ups with the kinksters. so we're all just pining away for someone to beat/get beaten from.

c'est le poop!
candycane_girl
Well, I have a question about flogging. The boy and I have pretty much no experience with flogging anyone or anything. So do you learn just by trying it out? What if he doesn't do it hard enough? Also, what are the spots where you are not supposed to hit? Any advice would be much appreciated.
girltrouble
with any sort of strike-- whips, spanking, flogging, paddles, canes... it's always best to warm up the strikee with a few lite strikes and gradually get harder*. but keep in mind one of the tools you have is sensation play. you can always go hard then lighter, or vice versa. you can play with expectations... i like to play a little game with those who sub for me. i make a noise when i am getting aroused, or more "into" beating them. i make a slow, "ssssssssss" sound, like when you burn your hand on the stove, but slow. it's almost like a rattle. they associate that sound with me about to strike hard. but it's more a tactic to play with their expectations. they get used to a certain pace of my strike, i fuck with that too. i like changing these things up to get into their head, and this is where you start to get into some psych play. it's fun for me to watch them tense up and flinch in anticipation, and then give them the lightest tap. they relax and then i wallop them. they tense and instead i caress them gently, or kiss their boo boo.

it's always good to be aware of what prolongs and shortens sensations as well, so always try any new implements on yourself. it will deepen your understanding of what the sub is experiencing. take spanking. if you hold the strike (hit, but keeping your hand where it struck) will soothe the point of impact. but if you use it like a whip, (striking shallowly, fast, hard and removing the hand -- think of a hard hi-five) it prolongs the sensation at the point of impact. and this is where you get into the two major types of impact with implements-- thuddy (paddles, flogging) and stingy (whips, canes) of course there are ones that can be either depending on use (paddles, spanking and floggers) and there are other sensations (soft/petting/pressure).

with floggers you can strike stingy by gathering the flogging end in one hand, and the handle in the other and snapping it like a towel. the other way is swinging as you'd expect. how a flogger feels does vary depending on material, and it's a good idea to check them out at the store. the soft ones with thick material will be more thuddy, the ones with thin, narrow material will be more stingy. they can be bought from a boutique vendors with exotic materials like ostrich or kangaroo, or any sort of leather you would expect. to tell a great flogger from a bad one, you should be able to balance the flogger at the head of the handle, where the strips come out-- if it is well made, you can rest the little rim at the head on top of your finger and it will "balance." it's hard to explain, but you get the idea.

as far as places to strike, the general rule is not near any unprotected, vital organs. look at someone's back, making an "X", each line going from one shoulder to the opposite butt cheek. so the area between the ribcage to the hip is a no-no. if striking the front, the abdomen is not a good place to strike. arms, legs are fine, but go for the fleshy parts that are dense with muscle and fat, be careful of tendon areas like the wrists. you can strike the groin area, but that is certainly something you would want to discuss with your partner. i had a client/sub who loved having his dick flogged, and the insides of his thighs, but most times not his balls. once we would get going, he didn't care.


*the exception is if they've got leather hide, which is when the density of muscle tissue is increased from lots of play. unless you guys go nuts, i doubt you'll get that. i have a friend who has serious leather hide (called leather hide not because of the texture of skin, but because this is something that happens to people who were in the bdsm/leather scene, and frequently did heavy play), and he is one of the biggest pain sluts i've met. it takes a lot to make him hurt. let's put it this way, it hurt my wrist more than his ass when he gave me a caning primer. for a while, anyways...heh.

hope that helps. if i can think of anything else i'll post. i know culture had some questions too. so...
culturehandy
Speaking of flogging, I got flogged for the first time on Saturday and it was an amazing, positive experience.

I bought the paddle a while ago, and I did post pictures in here...It's handmade, solid oak, one side has sandpaper on it.

So, I showed the boy the flogger, and he gave me a whack while i had my jeans on. The intention was not to have sex, just to see what effect it would have on me, see what it felt like, see how he liked it etc. Well, it stung, but it was so psychologically and physically pleasing, I didn't flinch when he paddled me. And my bum turned this fabulous pink colour, heat was radiating off me, and the boy also enjoyed it more than he thought he would. And we did go slow, with soft spanks progressing to harder smacks. I wanted more, with that said, the pain wasn't pain at all, it was all pleasure.

Anyhows, I must say that I was surprised that my body reacted the way it did. I knew that it would turn me on psychologically, but the direct effect it had on me. I was instantly wet from the paddling.

So, I guess I'm wondering, what your first experience was like, for those who have engaged.
ketto
I wish I had something more to post in here. Me and the boy have been together almost 5 months but he's still fairly novice when it comes to sex. It took me 5 years to get to where I am and he's really only had 5 months so I constantly have to remind myself to be patient. I think he quite likes blindfolding me and holding my hands down though. The great thing about R is that he's willing to try things. smile.gif
hiddenpoet
as suggested i'm taking the continuation of the foot fetish thing here from the wtf thread.

it's not that a foot fetish is too kinky or me. it's that i like my men to be the dom because i really enjoy being the sub. a guy with a foot fetish is a guy who just isn't going to be able to get me off.
being tied up or restrained is a wonderful thing. shibari is fun but it can take a lot of time at first so be prepared to make time for practice.
where i draw the lines are where i find humiliation. no gags, no spit piss blood or shit. i don't like tit play in general since it doesn't do a thing for me. and if it's not doing a thing for me then i'm not doing it. i'm really selfish like that.
foryoursplendor
I used to get with this guy who wanted to be dominated. I hadn't had the chance to do this previously, so I thought, "Yeah, I'll slap ya-around!". He was so unbelievably into it. He was in some sort of sexual la-la land, moaning, panting, making all these crazy noises. Every time we did this, it last for about 2 hours. He said he was on the brink of cumming the entire time, but just couldn't reach it. When he couldn't stand it anymore, he'd fuck my brains out until we would both cum and it was great. After a few times he told me that no one had ever done any of those things to him before. The girls he'd been with would just sit on the edge of the bed and apologize for how lame they were when he asked, sorta made me feel like a bit of a badass smile.gif
girltrouble
came across a good bdsm glossary
candycane_girl
I wasn't sure if I should post this in here or the portions thread. The other day I finally did something kinky with my guy. Basically, he came to my place and I buzzed him up. In the meantime I ran to my bed, got naked and put on a blindfold. He walked into my place without saying a word and then tied up my hands and started fucking me. It was so hot and kind of interesting not knowing what he was going to do next. I also love the fact that I recognized his scent when he got near me.
kittenb
Last night, The Geek and I saw a very amusing documentary called BDSM: It's Not What You Think. It was a nice introduction to something that we have been talking about between ourselves. I think we are going to try a few of the things we saw. I called it "Vanilla with Spice." rolleyes.gif
The thing that looked interesting to me was the flogging. I would like to find a very light and thin...um...flogger? Is that what they are called?
The thing that looked intriguing to both of us was what this one guy did with a HUGE knife on his partner's hand. He just traced her whole hand with the edge. The entire audiance got quiet at that moment. We are not sure what we will use to replicate that but we are going to experiment. I think we were both interested in the sensation but scared at the actual knife.

Can anyone suggest a good intro book? Something for the Vanilla w/Spice crowd? Thanks.
candycane_girl
kittenb, you could always just play with a small acrylic cane. However, I don't recommend acrylic for actual caning because those fuckers break easily.

I've done play with just household objects before. Heck, maybe a butter knife would do the trick.
girltrouble
i went to a "tasting" years ago-- it's when the local play space invites people in to explore kink. there are booths set up with people who have a fetish for whatever play they love most. everything from the innocuous (kissing) to the extreme (anal fisting. blood play, fire play). sometimes there were just exhibitions where people showed/lectured on the basics, other times it was participation where you asked the person questions and they would demonstrate on you. one of the ones i was curious about was knife play. i have to say i didn't really get it in the visceral way that i usually do with exotic kinks, so i asked questions, and he demonstrated. he said like any kink part of it is mind play. he angled the knife so it reflected in my eyes, then scraped it against my skin in an angle that would not cut. he poked me with it's tip....


candy is right a butter knife would do the trick. it's that threat, that mind play that really gets it.

as for the book, are you looking for an all around intro book to bdsm? or an intro book to flogging?

as for flogging, i think i wrote i little primer about the basics of buying a flogger somewhere down thread. most stores, like babeland in seattle and nyc let you try out or play with the equipment. it might help to know what you like sensation wise. floggers are generally "thuddy" meaning heavier, deeper penetrating sensation. but they can also be "stingy" like whips-- sharp surface sensation. the sensation you get depends on the length and width of the flogger strands (wider= more thuddy) and how they are used.
zoya
kitten - I've used a big knife - actually it was my "special" henckels chef's knife (for any of you who are foodies, that was a total brag - it was a big self indulgent splurge..!!) the thing is, even though its a super sharp knife, it couldn't break skin unless we had used real pressure. Really, what you want to do do is start by holding the knife so the whole blade is laying flat on the skin. Then, keeping the blade parallel with the skin, raise the top edge of the blade slightly so it's at an angle where you're scraping the skin with the whole sharp side of the knife. (kinda like it's a straight razor, if that makes sense) just scrape the whole thing across the skin like a big razor blade, at an angle and pressure that won't cut. You can play with the pressure of it safely that way, and get the "feel" of it. (and also what you feel comfortable doing with your partner / what they feel comfortable with) Doing this across the back of legs or buttocks is really good, cause they're fleshy, so you can play with different pressures or edges of the knife against skin. Once you get used to the pressure and how your partner feels, you'll have an idea of how holding a blade against flesh in different manners / pressure where it won't break skin feels. Just play with it. See what works for you.

For me, knife play is more about the chill of the metal and the very slight feel of an edge - with the additional thought in the back of the mind of what it *could* do. I find it very psychological. That's where the trust comes in. To know that someone could cut you at any time is probably the bigger turn on for me. Yeah, the cold metal edge against the skin is a bit of a shocker and feels cold, metallic, and awesome, but I think that the mental part - the trust you have to have with someone to let them handle a really sharp knife and even just innocuously scrape it across your skin, is the real turn on.

that's just my .02 cents worth.....

ETA - it's funny, because I had done knife play long before I ever thought of it as "kink." It just came really naturally to me, years ago, to grab a knife and do that, or want it done. I'm a deviant bastard naturally, I guess... wink.gif
period_monster
Knife play sounds super hot. If only I had someone to play with. sad.gif
girl_logic
I wasn't sure whether this would be most appropriate for the art thread or here - i think it'll be appreciated here.

I'm smitten by this photo series by ellen von unwerth called Revenge. It's a story along the lines of O, with the large manor device, but with a decadent summer camp feel. As far as I can tell the story is about women who arrive at the Baroness's home and are taken prisoner and tormented by the residents and the chauffeur. Towards the end one of the women overpowers the chauffeur, grabs the keys and releases her friends and begin to tease back. Very playful, and replete with stockings, garters, and gorgeous retro hairstyles tongue.gif

Here are a bunch of my favs:

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=fuA62cqtw7

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=gyB46aiwY9

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=iwT63gqXY0

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=cNX58fgzA8

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=qvO32ayRY6

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=rzO17iHJK4

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=fvM98gtAW9

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=boK36KPTW1

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=aew13DZCx3

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=ehX91lpqE3

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=wIW03dKPX5

http://www.weblogimages.com/v.p?uid=claird...;sid=jwU81CHMS6
lola rojo
Not sure if I should have created a new topic about this. I was torn about what to name it, I wanted to create thread called "PeePee" or "Tinkle" but maybe it will be covered in this here BDSM thread. If not, feel free to stick it in its own thread, just please name it, "Milk, Milk, Lemonade"

This weekend I gave my first golden shower, actually peed in a dude's mouth. I don't regret it, it was fun and he enjoyed it immensely....I'm just feeling a little...I don't know...odd. I keep thinking to myself, "Am I really a chick who pees in dude's mouths and isn't bothered by it?"

I feel like I won't be able to talk about this, hell, even JOKE about it, without a look from my friends like..."ewwww".

So yeah, I squatted over a guy's mouth and peed in it. There. I said it. What does this say about me? Thanks for any contribution you may have to this question. For some background, I'm 39, and bi, and never considered my self a prude, but have never been into any heavy duty BDSM play.
culturehandy
hey Lola!!

I wouldn't be too concerned. A lot of people just get weirded out by bodily fluids.

The only the thing you should question is whether you liked it or not. If you liked it, and he liked it, then you are two consenting adults. What you do in regards to kink is your business, and if you want to post about it here, then go ahead.
girltrouble
lol... lola welcome to the thread-- the rule of thumb when it comes to starting new threads is : DON'T. if you have a question about which thread, or if a new thread should be created, the community forum thread is the place to do it. but you did the right thing! YAY!

as for golden showers, we've talked a bit about them in this thread. *shrugs* some people are squeamish about it, others aren't. i'm not. actually i've thought it was a lot of fun, and in a conversation with tes, we both agreed that, like most kinky activities, a great deal of how we feel about certain acts is determined by the spirit that we first experience it. to put it another way: if you have fun, it will be fun.

both tes and i were introduced to pee play in a way that was playful, light, and silly. any stigma or squeamishness was...er...washed away by the energy that our partner brought to it or that we did. for me it was "steering" or "aiming" --which is basically my girlfriend being curious about what it's like to have a penis and asking if she could hold it while i peed. pretty innocuous, and not something i think most people would be squicked out by it. for me it's not really even kinky. it's simply being curious. we talked and joked about it, and it went from there. but that spirit stayed. any pee play we did was more based in that childish wonder, that spirit of playfulness-- sweetness.
after a while i learned more, things like how urine is sterile, so there is no chance of catching something, unlike other body fluids/excretions. and you can add other contexts to it. for me, later, i engaged in it with a spirit of adoration. i loved her so much, that nothing that had to do with her was taboo to me. if it had to do with her-- i adored it, which gets into some interesting domme/sub dynamics.

what does it say about you? my guess is either that you are open minded, or that one time you peed in someone's mouth. *shrug* on the scale of things, for me atleast, it's not a big deal. while your friends may "eeewww" you, here we don't. if it's not someone's cup of tea, they are free to say it, but we try to have a whatever-floats-your-boat attitude-- as long as it's SSC-safe sane and consentual or RACK- risk aware consentual kink.
lola rojo
Thanks, girltrouble and culturehandy. I sorta knew I would be assured here..I guess that's why I decided to post and explore what I was feeling. For the record, I DID enjoy it. Not so much in a turn-on-ish way, but more in a new and unusual experience and "Holy Shit, Look how he's getting off on this" way. When he first asked me for this when we first met about six years ago I was waaay too judgey about it. Now that we've re-connected, I don't know...I'm more about trying out new stuff and getting rid of "that's not normal" stuff.

Here's what I don't understand though. This guy is totally and completely dominant. Wouldn't asking me to pee in his mouth be sub behavior? He would never ever admit to being a sub or at the very least a switch, so I don't really get it from his point of view.

I also rode a Sybian over the weekend and didn't really like it that much. All the internal vibration and swirling just really made me want to queef or fart.
girl_logic
QUOTE(lola rojo @ Apr 21 2009, 02:12 PM) *
...Here's what I don't understand though. This guy is totally and completely dominant. Wouldn't asking me to pee in his mouth be sub behavior? He would never ever admit to being a sub or at the very least a switch, so I don't really get it from his point of view.

I also rode a Sybian over the weekend and didn't really like it that much. All the internal vibration and swirling just really made me want to queef or fart.


Well, maybe it just feels overwhelmingly sexual to him, without it seeming dominant or submissive to him. Kind of like squeezing breasts and bottoms which, for no good reason really when you think about it, feels sexy to most people. Or maybe, even without the label, you're in for some switchy fun somewhere down the road. A rose by any other name and all that. I know there was a time when the label "submissive" gave me a hincky feeling at the back of my neck too.
girltrouble
lots of tops get queasy calling themselves subs. they've got too much ego for it.

let me ask you this question--

can you be a domme and give someone oral? can you be a domme and like getting fucked hard? can you be a domme and like receiving anal?

some people would say no to any/all of the questions above, but i submit, dom/sub is not determined by the act, but the role one takes/chooses. this is of course not nec'rly true when talking about semiotics, but that is a whoooooole 'nother conversation. i served under a domme who LOVED anal sex. she demanded it. she was super bossy when she was being fucked, some would say that anal passive is automatically submissive, after that domme, i couldn't disagree more.

that said, if he was submissive doing it, then it might be a case of "dominant sub-aversion" my just made up term for what i was talking about in my first sentence.
zoya
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Apr 21 2009, 08:37 PM) *
that said, if he was submissive doing it, then it might be a case of "dominant sub-aversion" my just made up term for what i was talking about in my first sentence.


....well, there is such a thing as "topping from the bottom," so I suppose there could also be "bottoming from the top?!!!" wink.gif
stargazer
kittenb, there a whole bunch of stores you can peruse near you, though, they are more oriented towards gay men. you could always visit early2bed. i found shopping in that store to be an enjoyable experience (no pun intended).
culturehandy
the terms top/bottom or domme/sub make it seem like you can't deviate from the role at all. But you can be a pushy bottom, there are many areas of grey, in my experience there is nothing particularly black and white (unless you're talking about the colour of bruisin, errr, that should be black and blue) about BDSM.

dayglowpink
I've peed in a guy's mouth before. I also enjoyed the experience primarily because it turned him on and because of the novelty and dirtiness of it. The guy was definitely not submissive. He's quite dominant. I think he liked the novelty of it as well.
girltrouble
squeeeeee!

thru almost no effort i'm having all of these opportunities in town. one of my favorite couples came into town, the domme was showing off her new boy-toy, and invited me to a femme domme tea, which they have once a month. it was ok, but it was fun to have a sub to play with for a half a second, and later he emailed me to say he liked playing with me. another guy, who is a heavy hitter, got my info, and invited me out to a show--- joey arias, who i'm not really a fan of, so i passed, but it was still pretty sweet.

now a domme friend of mine intro'd me to a switch who, not only has a crush on me, but has experience with aikido, brazilian ju jitsu tae kwon do, mui thai, and krav maga. he wants to show me some holds, pressure points, and some seizing and locking techniques! whoooooo!

i can't hardly wait <
shoveit
ok so i would say i am, in comparison to some of things i've read through!, a novice with BDSM. And im hoping that i can get a bit of an insight into the kind of mental preperation you need to arm yourself with before diving into some of this stuff.

I have a great partner, who finds me sexy and attractive and wants to pleasure me unconditionally, as I do with him. We are very comfortable with eachother and due to times spent in different countries have great communication. Basically, his sexual appetite is pretty immense, and he feels close enough to me to share his interests and sexual fantasies, some of which do scare me. I am happy to be tied up/held down, and get off on dirty talk and erotica. The issues I seem to have is when my mentality towards being sexually objectified clash with the physical pleasure I get.

I just seem to get really into things, and then mentally freak out at the possiblities of being treated solely as a sex object. Is this just a problem with trust in my realtionship?? is it just because im still fairly sexually inexperienced and have insecurities with my own body?

Im hoping someone can give me a bit of advice with why i might be feeling so torn between my morals and physical pleasure, and how i can get over it, because i really want to explore my sexuality.

very much appreciated, and for the record i really admire how you all embrace your wants and desires, its so fucking refreshing when you live in a pretty sheltered environment!!
prettynpink
Most of us have gone through that dilemma. It boils down to this: Are you less of a feminist/woman if you enjoy being spanked/tied up/gagged/etc during sex? No. Do you enjoy it? Are you doing something that makes you happy, satisfied and on a whole more in tune with who YOU are as a person or a woman? If the answer is yes, then thats all you can ask of yourself. Let go of your doubts and your guilt and be yourself. You sort of have to make your mind to get out of your way. I had to.

Take it slow. Make sure that you both understand where each other is coming from. If he has heavy dom fantasies, and you're comfortable with his level of control over fantasies vs. realities, then go for it. Let him top you. If you feel that he doesnt understand that the top only has the illusion of control, that the bottom says yes or no, then take it VERY slow or dont go there at all. The safety of play is important. You have to understand that ultimately, its PLAY. You cannot do it without rules.

One of my favorite things is being tied up and blindfolded. I've been tied to a spiral staircase, beds, couches, railings, etc. I love not being able to touch and I love the helplessness that comes with it. I adore when I have no control over whether he tickles me, pinches me, fucks me or spanks me.

Underneath that though, is a HUGE fear of rape. I dont like rape fantasies, but I understand where my restraint fantasies are based. Its a way for me to deal with a portion of that fear. Whether you enjoy what you do out of dealing with fears, or just plain liking it for no real understandable reason other than you were just wired that way, it doesnt matter.

You need to do whats best for you. If that includes finding the freedom that is offered in trusting another person with your body and subsequently your well being, if only for an hour or two, then go for it.


All that being said....... SQUEEEEEEE how adorable are these????


period_monster
I just stumbled across this: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-first-ti...ything-spanking via Jezebel. And I think it really speaks to your concerns shoveit.
candycane_girl
cc_boy and I have been doing stuff that's a bit kinky: I pee on him. I've only done it twice but it's funny because it's something I never thought I would be into. But I think I get off on seeing how thrilled he is by me peeing on him. I'm thinking that maybe next time I could start off by being really dominant with him and ending it by marking him as my territory.

I've considered letting him pee on me but I'm not sure. I kind of like the fact that I'm the dominant one in that scenario since usually I'm the bottom.

I'm also wondering about experimenting with flogging with him. But there are some things I'm not sure about. For one, neither of us really knows how to flog. I've only been flogged by one person and he was really experienced. I don't know if there's a way to learn how to do it or if you generally just learn by doing.

Also, I'm not sure if cc_boy would be able to handle hurting me. The first time I got flogged I was crying like a baby but the guy just kept going until I couldn't take anymore. I imagine that as soon as I start crying or whimpering that cc_boy would stop.

And finally, neither one of us can afford a flogger in the first place. The good ones all seem to be between $100-200. He spanks me a bit but not hard enough. Can anyone think of something regular that he could hit me with?
girltrouble
ping pong paddles are cheap enough, and you can get them anywhere, you can also use wooden spoons or spatchlas. or if you are into caning you can get some thin bamboo used for gardens that works brilliantly. hardware stores are notorious for being a great place to pick up bdsm equipment. there is great rope there if you want to get into japanese rope bondage.

a quick little primer someone wrote here:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=195700


there's lots of info out there. google the words,
cheap bdsm equipment hardware store

we've discussed pee-play (watersports), and tips for flogging. just scroll down, or go back a few pages. this thread has lots of good info.

we've also talked about safe words, which people tend to think is for wimps, but unless you are experts, and have been at it for years, then i suggest trying them. honestly the only people i know who don't use them are seriously hardcore being into TONS of bloody cock and ball needle and knife play. but they've been doing it for years who have lots of experience and can read each other as easy as you can tell when your partner sneezes.

remember, safe words are an unambiguous way of telling your partner how much you can take. right now cc_boy is afraid of hurting you. safe words let him know you can call your limit. it keeps him from wondering if you are really hurting or if you are just into it.

if you want more pain, try a little game tell i him you bet him that you can take more pain than he thinks you can. bet something like doing the dishes for a week or whatever. tell him that you will be honest and say a word that means something to both of you when it gets to be too much, but he must guess how many spankings you can take before he starts. be honest, even if it means you lose, but you need to learn to trust your partner to call their limit.


candycane_girl
I think I was just unsure about using play with household objects as opposed to actual toys. After my last post I started thinking about cc_boy using a belt on me. I never even thought about bamboo sticks before!

I'm a big believer in safe words. I remember when I was first flogged that I was annoyed with the guy because he said that I could just say "stop" whereas I wanted a real safe word. I think it will take a lot of talking to get cc_boy to understand the kind of pain that I want but the game sounds like a good way to start. Thanks gt!
girltrouble
sure thing, cc!

but just remind him that this turns you on. i was sheepish about this sort of thing when i started too. i had a partner who loved being choked--- something i had a very hard time with. but she nudged me along telling me, reassuring me that it really was what she wanted, and that it really did get her hot. soon enough it got me hot. out of curiosity, i had her choke me so i could understand why she liked it, and i liked it too. when introducing any sort of kink, my rules are 1) make a game of it, so it's less threatening, 2) keep it light, and playful, 3)talk very specifically about what you like-- you're their entry way to this so usher them in gently. while these things are good for helping your partner relate and understand your kink, above and beyond that, they help you learn how to communicate in an open, but direct way with your partner. which is a good habit to get into.

good luck!
culturehandy
werd GT.

I always remember the mantra; safe, sane; and consensual
candycane_girl
I'm so excited! I hung out with cc_boy yesterday and we talked about kinky stuff. He said that he likes a lot of the stuff we've already done (water sports, me being tied up and blindfolded, semi rape play) and I told him that I really want him to spank me, flog me, hit me with bamboo sticks, etc. Just as we were talking about it he said that he was getting rock hard. I looked down at his shorts and lo and behold, I could definitely see it.

Unfortunately he doesn't seem that interested in going to the local fetish fair tomorrow (it would be a tease anyway since we can't afford any toys) but at least I know he's interested in beating my ass. Also in terms of him knowing my pain limits, I think it helped to show him pictures of what I looked like after my first caning (my ass was totally purple). And of course we discussed safewords and all that fun stuff. I can't wait to explore this with him!
period_monster
Turns out that a-game guy is as kinky as I am. Much spanking. Much fun. Huge pool in my unders. Actually devising my plan for Thursday night, gonna have us some serious fun...
period_monster
Just a quick brag--sent a text detailing the services I'll be requiring of a-game guy tomorrow night and my dom immediately texted back with glee for my evil plans. Oh the fun we'll be having...
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