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kiss_the_fiddler
any of you other new mamas lonely out of your mind? i am. my friends are folks who generally don't know how to be around kids. plus, it's so hard to get the train rolling to actually get anywhere. what do you do to cope?

fiddler
pinkmartyr
good to see you guys posting!

emmet still sleeps in our room. he used to sleep in a bassinet, but he outgrew it at 2 months! now he sleeps in a pack n play, which has the mattress elevated to the bassinet setting. he sleeps swaddled in his blanket- otherwise, he kicks off the covers, and besides, i think he likes feeling snug.

for daytime naps, however, he sleeps in his crib in his own room, on his tummy, with a blanket laid over him. during the day, he won't sleep on his back. we put him down, and he just wakes up 5 minutes later. during the daytime, he also tends to go to sleep with a pacifier.

sometimes he does sleep in the bed with us at night- if he is terribly hard to settle, or if he's just had shots at the doctor and is cranky. he's slept with us maybe three times total. sometimes in the morning, though, like fiddler, i'll put him in bed with me.

when he does sleep with us, i don't worry about the covers as much as i do our pillows! beck, i think that pepper does co-sleeping, maybe she will pop in with some suggestions.

fiddler, we do get out a bit, simply because our friends are also having children right now. my close friend laura is pregnant, and when it comes to hanging out, we often go to her house. isaac and i can manage to go out to dinner with the baby in tow- he'll either sleep or we'll sit him on our laps as we eat. i have also taken emmet to the mall several times on my own- macys, penny's, and nordstrom usually have some sort of chair in the ladies room where you can nurse. its cool to be out and meet other moms- having a baby made me discover that there's this whole new legion of folks who will be friendly with me when i'm out, like members of a tribe. if i am anticipating going out, i get the diaper bag ready the night before, and structure it so i get ready during one of emmet's naps, then he wakes up, i feed him, and we go. there are some things i do miss, though- like nicer restaurants and going to a bar for a drink, and especially going to the movies. i don't want to leave emmet with a sitter unless i'm working or at a doctor's appointment. i know it would be ok, i just want a lot of time with him.
beck
hey guys, good to hear from you!

i know what you mean about the time it takes to actually get out of the house fiddler, it just seemed so daunting at the beginning. then i realised she actually sleeps better when we get out in the fresh air, and she enjoys the bus and tube. i am gradually getting out more, although mostly nothing very glamorous! we don't have a car, so i tend to do lots of little errands with her in the stroller or sling, or go for a walk in the park and to pick up a coffee. not sociable but it gets me out and about. i have always been fairly happy with my own company so i don't try to see people every day, once or twice a week is nice though.

as far as hanging out with people other than the bean, i met some really nice people through my antenatal class who i am still in touch with. the organisation that ran them (national childbirth trust) also arranges coffee mornings for new mums - is there anything similar in your area?

i also have one friend on maternity leave who i see every couple of weeks. but i would like to get to know more people in the new year. one way i think to meet like-minded parents is through various groups - like i went to a La Leche meeting which was cool, and there is also a group of mums in my area who are into babywearing and that meet up - not that i am massively interested in those things per se, but a good way to meet people who won't think i am a weirdo for co-sleeping etc. there are also baby groups in my area but i think more aimed at older babies who will enjoy playing with the toys and the other kids. are there any support groups for gay parents in your area?

i am also planning to meet up more with my pre-baby friends for lunch/coffee etc, and to go to galleries and museums as i figure the bean won't object to being carried round in different surroundings and it will be interesting for me too.

i should add that am not planning to cram all these things into one week, just make sure i get out now and again!!
pepper
i slept with little and i sleep with the girl, it's the best thing for us. when they were little i just put them under their own baby blanket or made sure they were in a warm enough sleeper to be blanket free. it was never an issue that i recall. now that she's 1.5yrs she just sleeps under the covers with me. she's big enough to get around, it's not a worry anymore.

speaking of getting around, what a bother! even when you do manage to get to somewhere it is hardly ever kid friendly let alone childproofed. i invite people over to my house a lot, i have an enormous play area for kids that's safe for all ages and i bake and make soup. i have a tempting kitchen, i get a lot of visitors. the only other way to deal with it is to meet people at places that are fun for the wee ones and big people too. that can be hard to do but once you find a place or two it's a bit easier. sometimes just getting out for a walk makes me feel better. just remember, time flies when you're talking babies and this too shall pass before you know it and you'll be on to another phase. don't let it drive you crazy.

speaking of letting things drive you crazy though, now this girl has decided that stuffing things up her nose is her new favorite thing to do. yesterday i pulled two inches of noodle out of one nostril and some olive bits out of the other. *sigh*.
and she's doing this head butting thing too that Really sucks. she had us both in tears the other morning. she's gets all cutesy cuddley-poo and snuggles over for a squish and then wacks me one with her rock hard noggin', dude! it's painful.
moxiegirl
Change of topic... I"m going to post this over in the pregnant thread too.

So, we're at t-19 days till the c-section...WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! smile.gif We've been discussing how to feed the wee lassie. I had a tremendous number of discouraging issues with breastfeeding moxette, combined with the fact that I really, simply don't want to breastfeed (anyone who knows me here knows that). So, we exclusivly formula fed her. She totally thrived, but formula is expensive, so I thought maybe a different route with this wee lassie would be worth exploring.

OUr thought, really b/c I don't want to breastfeed, but I want her to have breastmilk, is to pump and supplement. Do you guys think the LLL people would be helpful on tips and tricks, or more likely to try to "convince" me to breastfeed? The hospital grade pump is insurance paid for, so I can start pumping asap in hosp. Anyplace web related that you think might have good tricks and tips?

Thanks loves!

Oh, and as for co-sleeping...we were terrified of the cats smothering the baby,so she didn't sleep in our bed at all until she was a year old at least...
nakedmolerat
Hey girls, it's been a long time since I've been on here! Baby has been keeping me plenty busy. His mysterious rash disappeared and he got well, but now he is sick again. I thought breastfed babies didn't get sick!! I was so scared the other night, his nose was stuffed up so bad he couldn't nurse, and he was coughing so hard he keep projectile vomiting and turning beet red. I took him to the doctor because the episodes were so bad I thought he had whooping cough or rsv, and I had a horrible experience with the doctor because she refused to test him or treat him, insisting that he just had a cold and to let him cough. She was offended that I insisted on testing him to be sure, and kept telling me how much experience she had told me in the end that if I don't like her judgement to find another doctor- and she slammed the door in my face. She has also ridiculed us for spreading out his vaccines and implied that if he were getting his vaccines quicker than maybe he wouldn't get sick. Needless to say we are getting a new doctor.

Moxie- congratulations!!! That is so exciting!! I think your plan to pump and bottlefeed is a wonderful idea and definitely cost-effective!!! It's so healthy for your baby, and if you aren't comfortable with full on breastfeeding, then I think that is a perfect compromise. I breastfeed full-time and don't know what your previous experiences were like, but I have plenty of advice from my own personal experience. You probably know most of this, but I'll put it here anyway just in case. Here are some things I've learned...
*Definitely request that pump in the hospital. The sooner, the better! They may even let you take home the tubing and shields for your own pump at home. I have the medela pump in style and it was compatable with their hospital grade pump. It's great to have extra shields and tubing because you don't have to worry about sterilizing your equipment as much. At the hospital they gave me Medela hand pumps which I actually ended up preferring. They fit in my purse so I can take them anywhere and there are only two parts that need to be cleaned.
*I needed bigger shields for the first few weeks after my milk came in because I was so swollen and engorged, but needed smaller ones after my breasts settled down.
*I had serious oversupply issues. The lactation consultant said that it was because of the iv fluids that I recieved during the hospital stay and the water I retained after my c-section. If this happens to you, just know that the more you pump the more milk you will make. It can be tempting to overpump, but don't get carried away trying to fill up the freezer because you could make the problem sooo much worse. I didn't listen and I paid for it seriously. So did my baby. Often times when you have an oversupply you produce too much sugary foremilk, which can make your baby gassy and give your baby the runs.
*To make sure your baby gets foremilk and hindmilk, empty the breast when you pump
*Make sure you know what kinds of medicines to avoid while doing this. Lots of times there are safe alternatives. Also know that you might have to avoid certain herbs not only because they may be bad for baby but they may decrease your supply, and you might want to avoid peanuts although I've heard mixed advice on that
*Fennel Greek increases your supply. Yogi tea makes a good tea for nursing moms to increase supply.
*Invest in some good freezer grade bags. I like the lansinoh ones because you can mark the date and amount pumped on a tab that isn't in contact with the milk and they are bpa free. Apparently sometimes after freezing, the milk can change colors but it's still good and it lasts up to 3 months.
*In the beginning, only freeze small portions at a time (if you freeze them. it will probably be fine for you to just keep the milk in the fridge in your situation), because you can't refreeze milk once it's thawed so you will waste less milk.
*You'll get more milk if you pump both sides at the same time, the extra stimulation produces more prolactin
*Try to pump at the same time every day to ensure supply and avoid engorgement- it is SOOOO important to stay consistent because otherwise you risk your milk supply and also feel very uncomfortable, especially if you have an oversupply
*Pump in the morning for sure because that's when your prolactin levels are the highest.
*Massaging can help letdown, and so can chest compressions.

Pepper- good food and a place for the kiddos? who wouldn't be stoked to be at your place!!! and about the nose thing, that is scary! i did that when i was a kid- then panicked when i couldn't get a crayon out. mom had to break out the tweezers. ugh.


Pink- how have you been??? how big is emmet now? matthew weighs almost 16 pounds and is growing like a weed!

Fiddler- i know what you mean about being lonely as a new mom. I'm going through that and some major post-partum. i love my baby to death but it's exhausting and lonely most of the time. i am lucky to have some friends with babies- problem is we're all too busy and tired to hang out half the time. i keep telling myself it will get better, and i know it will for you, too. keep your head up and know you aren't alone. i know most of my friends with new babies feel the same way. it's temporary.





pinkmartyr
moxie, i would think that the LLL people would be happy that your baby was getting breastmilk, period. i've never had any experiences with LLL, though. in the hospital you can ask to see a lactation consultant, who should be very supportive. good luck! make sure you let us know how the second c-section is compared to the first.

nakedmolerat, i've missed you! emmet weighs about the same as matthew, and like you i am still breastfeeding 100%. he is wearing 6-9 month clothes already. i'm glad you mentioned that frozen milk lasts for 3 months- i've read 3-6, but wanted something more definitive, so i will go with 3. have you had any luck using little noses drops on matthew before nursing, or even bringing out the dreaded nasal syringe? i had to use both with emmet a while back. my mom was also talking about running a vaporizer/humidifier in baby's room to ease snifflies, also.
nakedmolerat
I agree with pink- i don't think LLL would give you a hard time, and do think they'd have a lot of helpful advice. I think it's worth a shot, but if they make you feel uncomfortable and don't respect your choice, then just cut them off.

Awww pink, i bet emmet is just a doll!! if you ever want to check out my baby, you can see his pictures on my myspace! hahah myspace.com/spadeskitten. you'll even see me wearing that kimono from old navy- i got one, too! smile.gif
beck
hey moxie, i think pink is right, they would be happy she was getting breast milk, and they are supporting lots of people who are having to pump due to returning to work early so they should have lots of advice. sounds like a sensible compromise.

i think if you weren't getting the stimulation from the baby nursing then to get your supply going you might have to pump quite a lot in the early days - i know that if baby can't latch on at the beginning or is in the NICU, they tell mums to express milk at night as well to ensure you maintain supply

i guess the downside is that you are having to spend time getting the milk out, and then back in again rather than straight from boob to babe, but then i am lazy - one of the things i liked is that you get to spend lots of time sitting down feeding/resting in the early days and everyone brings you food and stuff!

would you consider nursing at night for a while and bottlefeeding during the day, or nursing for the first few days and then switching to pumping once you have a good supply going? (i don't know the reasons for preferring not to bf - if it's convenience or not having your boobs out in public or to be able to share the care w moxieman etc)

there is a thing i heard of through LLL called the marmet technique for hand expressing, the massage/stroke/shake thing is a great way to get the milk going, helps relieve engorgement too. http://www.lactationinstitute.org/MANUALEX.html

my SIL told me looking at a picture of your baby or having something that smells of them also helps the let-down reflex

hope some of this helps!

pepper, noodles in the nose - eeew! thanks for the sleep advice. i am envious of your kitchen/play area, our place is small!

welcome back naked! hope things get better for you soon. when the bean had a cough i used to take her into the bathroom while i took a long hot shower, the steam seemed to help (and for some reason she loves the bathroom and laughs at me naked - thanks kid!) she is staying 100% boob fed till 6 months when i plan on baby led weaning - fun! some of my friends have already introduced solids but she is doing fine without, she weighs 20lb. plus i am not looking forward to the stinky poo that solid food will entail...

anyone here use an ergo carrier, i want to carry her on my back but the wrap i use seems a bit complicated for a back carry.







nakedmolerat
hi beck!! i'm glad your baby is doing well! i love the convenience of nursing, too. i am bummed to go back to work and have to worry about sterilizing equipment and bottles and blah. it's so much easier to just pop the boob in his mouth, i can do it laying down and while i'm on the computer or reading a book, whatever! Oh hell, i had totally forgotten about how stinky their poops get when they are on solid foods. I have gotten so used to his odorless poops. It doesn't even seem like poop to me because it doesn't stink. Too bad it can't stay like this forever!!! smile.gif

hey moxie, beck is right about how much time you're gonna probably have to spend pumping in the beginning. i can't believe i almost forgot about that. my baby was sucking constantly- like almost every 15 minutes in the first few weeks. you are probably going to spend a lot of time pumping to get the supply going. Maybe not, but it's just a guess. LLL would probably know how that will work, but my baby was latched on all the freaking time all night and day and my milk took like four days to come in, and even then the first four to six weeks are critical in establishing a good supply. would you be willing to do what beck suggested and nurse through the nights in the very beginning just to get a good supply established before starting the pumping routine? it is an extra step to take to pump and then to feed the baby, but if you are okay with that it will probably go well. i'm curious as well as to why you are uncomfortable with breastfeeding. i remember you don't want to but i forgot why. i personally didn't think i'd be able to do it this long. i had a horrible time in the beginning and thought it would never work out, but things finally fell into place and i'm glad it finally worked out because it's saved me a lot of money and hassle.
damona
pumping and feeding is definitely a good alternative. if you have trouble with letdown, try using your cell phone or something to record a minute of your baby crying! sounds silly, but it works!

little d loved to stuff things up his nose when he was about 2. my personal fave was the whole cashew he somehow crammed up there. he also ate crayons. let me tell you, those crayola washable ones melt. nothing like turning around and seeing your kid with multi-coloured drool all over his face! and don't even think about the diapers, later...

little w just turned 4. *cries* my baby is so big! he was playing with his dinos the other day and he says, "i'm a dinosaur! rawr! wait.... yeah.... rawr!" i almost died laughing. the kid is gonna be class clown.

the whole circus is getting so big! dai is po'd cuz he's going to have to share his room with little z soon. little w is too big for the toddler bed now, and i just can't cram another twin bed into that room. so... a second set of bunkbeds must be found and dai is just gonna have to deal with it.
moxiegirl
first off, thanks for the suggestions!

I might try in hospital, if we can time the pain meds correctly- that was one of the biggest issues with moxette. granted, i'm thinking that i WON'T have a 4 day labor and then operation to recover from, so I expect to be in better shape overall.

In terms of not wanting to breastfeed- its honestly something i never really wanted to do- i don't feel any kind of attachment to the idea of being the baby's sole source of food, in terms of makeup and delivery. I also had zero attachment to the idea (and now, experience) of being pregnant...its just the most convienent way to get to what i DO feel a great attachemnt to- parenting.

And, yes, moxieman and I are totally even parents, and we both appreciate the time we have with moxette as equals. That makes it sound like breastfed baby daddies aren't equal parents, or as worthwhile, but that's not what i meant. I mean, this is what works for my family, and we're looking to continue this particular "its what works" trend.

I can't imagine that its more of a hassle to pump, feed and clean bottles than it is to make formula, feed and clean bottles. pumping 8-10 times a day seems normal to me- babies eat alot! I won't be the only one feeding her, though- that's the thing...,moxieman, our parents, siblings, etc. are all really looking forward to participating again.

and, if it doesn't work out, i honestly have no problem formula feeding- moxette thrived on it, honestly. I have a number of good friends who formula fed only, and a number who exclusivly breastfed and most who were somewhere in between. The LLL website had a distinct tone about pumping as a sad, almost pathetic, alternative that "if you must, here are tips"...it didn't seem particularly supportive of the idea that some moms just don't want to breastfeed- which doesn't make us any less attached or bonded to our children. I did find a great site called kellymom's....

Anyway, i've got a kitchen timer beeping at me...gotta run.
pepper
the people in LLL will be just like people everywhere, some totally accepting of what works for each individual and some with their own biases. you never know who you'll meet there. honestly though, i have had good experiences and my friend who had a very hard time nursing her first two and bottle fed them instead got really great support from them. it's worth checking it out, you might like it but if it doesn't gel for you no harm done. at the least they often have great equiptment that you can rent for not too much money.

crayons up the nose, oh lordy. children are so delightful.

beck, i didn't use the ergo carrier but when both of them were big enough i switched them from the front carrier (baby bjorn was my fave) to a knapsack type thingy. hurt my back when they got too heavy but it was the easiest of them all to put on, take off and get baby in and out of.
nakedmolerat
ok, i'm going to apologize in advance for the negativity i'm about to explode with but i seriously need to vent!!!!! p.s. sorry this is so off topic. feel free to disregard this!

i am having such a hard time being a new mom, i keep trying to tell myself it will get better but i don't know how i've even made it this far. my boyfriend is a great guy but he is NO HELP to me when it comes to the baby. he doesn't get how much work it is. he's never been alone with the baby for more than 2 hours and thinks i stay home and play all day or something. he wakes up at 3:30 am for work and that's his excuse for not helping me out because he's too tired- but so am i, and i know i'm going to be stuck doing it all when i go back to work. right now i am home with baby all day, up with him all night, and i feel alone. my body is all blown out and wierd, and i don't fit in any of my clothes, my feet are too big for all my shoes and i'm too broke to go shopping. my friends have moved on because i can't go out and party, i don't have any time hardly to do anything, my boyfriend comes home and expects me to be up for sex/make dinner/etc. but i feel exhausted and hideous 24/7. i try to get out during the day but the baby just screams and he is so heavy he is breaking my back. i'm worried about going back to work because i'm not getting enough rest and i'm freaking anemic, and i can't afford daycare. my incision from the c-section is still mysteriously painful on one side when i move in certain ways, and hurts enough to almost make me drop my baby. my relationship is going to hell because i'm always grouchy from lack of sleep/friends/time to myself/self-esteem, and i'm becoming this bitter person that i never wanted to be. my moods are all over the place, i love my baby so much but i need a break and i have noone to turn to. he's been sick a lot lately which has been really challenging. i'm trying to make the best of the situation, honestly it's not so bad because i have a roof over my head and i never go hungry, but it's just not what i thought my life would be like (i never planned on having a kid). i feel like i've thrown my life away and traded it in for something that is very lonely and exhausting.


Anyway. i feel a bit better now. moving on. what is an ergo carrier? i'll have to google it.
beck
oh naked, i'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time! (by the way, i looked at your pictures and you and matthew are both beautiful - he has such a lot of hair!)

it really sounds like you are carrying a lot of the responsibility alone. and it really is hard work, however much you love your baby. i get that your bf has work but you need a break. even a couple of hours just to take a bath, read a book or sleep would really help. have you got any friends who would help if asked? even if they don't know much about babies, people often like to be asked to help. i bet they would take the baby for a walk for a couple hours or out for an afternoon if you had expressed some milk for him

are there other things you can do to make the day-to-day easier? i was pretty exhausted before i took her into my bed - it was taking hours to get her back down after night feeds, i remember one night by 6am i'd had a total of an hour and 20 minutes sleep, i just cried. co-sleeping has made a big difference, even though she feeds a lot still - at the moment she goes to bed when we do and then feeds every couple of hours.

i have also got a sling i like, and carrying her in that is easier on my back and arms, and seems to help her settle (an ergo is a rucksack-type carrier that can be used on the front or back, so a good option for heavy babies). it will often get her to nap if she's fussing

could you agree with your bf that he takes the baby for a few hours on one of his days off to give you a break? that will also give him an idea of the work it entails and he may be more supportive. (as for sex, wtf?? i haven't got laid for sooo long, not enough hours in the day!)

are there any groups in your area you could join? other mums with babies will understand how you feel and might be able to help and support you. i go to La Leche meetings which i really like, they are very baby-centric, it doesn't matter if your baby cries or needs feeding, and the other mums are nice. is there a group near you?

it will get better though, hang in there! sorry if none of this is useful, just wanted to try and help.


Christine Nectarine
(((nakedmolerat))) i wish i had more words of wisdom, but all i can say is that i've been there, and it sucks, but for me things got better as kiddo got older, especially with sleeping better. i does sound like you and bf need to work out a way for him to support you more - when kiddo was born, A and i were not living together, and he saw her maybe 2-4 hours a day with me there to change all the diapers etc. He just didn't get it until he spent time alone with her, and in actuality, it likely didn't sink in properly until we were all living under the same roof when she was already almost 2 years old.
the rest of your situation sounds stressful too - i agree with beck, it may help if you can find a mother's group in your area, if only to vent, and socialize for a bit. i hope things get better for you!

i don't know what an ergo carrier is, but i used a backpack for quite a while. it was slightly awkward to get off, but easy to get on, and i liked it because i could also just set her down on the floor in it. good for when you're cooking too, cause baby's away from the stove/chopping knife/whatever.

it was a little way down the thread, but when kiddo and i co-slept (again, it was just she and i, so that made it easier i think than if there had been another grown person in the bed) i put her in a baby sleeping bag, so i didn't have to worry about blankets covering her or anything. it was also great, because when she transitioned to a crib, and later to a bed, the sleeping bag was familiar, and smoothed the transition. she wore one until i couldn't buy one to fit anymore!

jeez, i should drop in here more often, then i wouldn't have to be so long-winded!

pinkmartyr
naked- i sympathize! i think that you seriously need some time for yourself. get your bf or your mom to take the baby for a little while, and go do something fun. even if its just wandering around the drugstore for a half hour, getting out of the house without matthew is going to help. consider having a serious sit-down with your bf- men can be kind of dull when it comes to knowing what women want. explain to him exactly what you need his help with- such as, please watch the baby for an hour so you can get a bath/go to starbucks/call a friend/otherwise have time to yourself, etc.
that being said- beware of postpartum depression. if you feel like your quality of life and enjoyment of your child is suffering, don't be afraid to call your doctor. there are meds that you can take that are nursing compatible. i take them myself. keep in contact with us! i think everyone here can relate to you. even on the clothes thing- i have a total of three pairs of pants that fit, so i joke with my bf that wednesday is pants washing day so that i have something to wear on thursday. i weigh the same that i did when i got pregnant, but everything fits completely different.
are you going back to work soon?
moxiegirl
Oh, naked- you DO have new-mom itis, at the very least. I heartily echo what Pink just said...even if you can't get away from the baby, take him in a stroller or his carrier or whatever to a place with people. Then, make it clear, 100% clear, to his father that he's got to start acting like a FATHER and not just a worker who fucks you. What that means in every family is a little different, but I would definitly start by pumping and leaving. It doesn't matter that he's tired...so are you! You don't get the break that work is...different people, situations, stimulation. If he's up at 3am, why the hell can't he give the baby 1 bottle of expressed milk so you can get a block of sleep?

If caring for and feeding and being the sole support for Matthew is getting to be too much, GET HELP. Period. Now, a couple of pointers:

1. Call your doctor about the c-section inscision. Seriously- there may be an internal tear, or it might just be an odd nerve. Either way, your doc needs to know. And CAN HELP.
2. Our local YMCA has a child-watch program starting at 6 weeks old. Its not daycare- its watching the kids while the parent(s) are in the building exercising. MOST gyms have such systems. Lately, my use of Child Watch is sitting in the lobby, drinking a starbucks and waiting for moxieman to finish his run...but until about 1 month ago, we were both pretty active. Walking the track/doing elipital/bike shouldn't be a problem for the C-section recovery at all. If anything, the increased bloodflow will help healing.
3. If you think you're anemic- take IRON. Just a regular multivitiamin, which you probably need BFing anyway.
4. Set a goal for yourself, and make 110% sure that Dad and you support it. All new clothes by July (when lots of places have semi-annual sales), 5K by thanksgiving, etc.
5. remember, that even in the BEST of circumstances, becomming a parent for the first time is an incredibly tramatic (physical, emotional, mental) time. Reach out to a friend- one you trust. Ask him/her to maybe do dinner instead of drinking all night. Its OK and GOOD to mourne the life you had- its forever done, and that's OK. Would you feel silly or not complete somehow for mourning the death of a person? No. SO DON'T feel bad mourning the death of a life.
nakedmolerat
Hey girls, THANK YOU!!! Thank you so much for your helpful advice, it helps so much to know that I'm not alone and that what I'm going through is valid. I'm definitely going to try to get out and to be more clear with my bf about what I need. I'm taking iron, but I tend to forget a lot. I have a hard time remembering anything these days!!! I will call my doctor. Hey Pink, if you don't mind my asking, are the meds helping at all? I'm considering them. I used to take zoloft a few years back and quit and was doing fine up until now. Hahah I can relate with the pants thing- I only have 2 pairs! smile.gif I weigh 20 lbs more than I did before I got pregnant and the shape of my body is different, too. Moxie, thanks for reminding me about the gym options. Exercise is a great idea, and would be a nice break!! I have a membership that offers "day care", I've used it twice so far, but the baby has been so sick these last two weeks that I've stayed home with him instead. I feel better already just remembering that when he gets better I can keep going there. Also, Moxie, what you said about mourning my old life really resonates with me. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but you're right- I am mourning everything I feel I've lost and sacrificed. I really do miss my old life and even though I'm trying to move forward, I'm still trying to say good bye to the past. It can be hard to accept. And Beck, thank you for suggesting the mother's group!! I'll definitely look into them, that sounds awesome!! I didn't even realize they existed.
Well, the baby is taking a nap so I'm going to go eat and read a freaking parenting magazine. Thank you all so much again, it's funny how I've never even met any of you in person, and yet I turn to you all for advice and you girls always make me feel better!! This forum is so bad ass!!!
pinkmartyr
naked, i take zoloft. i was on prozac, but my ob switched me to zoloft since it is compatible with nursing. when these drugs are researched, you might see that they are "believed" to be safe but "no long term research" exits. my doctor feels like it is better for moms (who need it) to be on the meds and functional rather than off them and suffering as a parent because of it. i know that we all have differing opinions on meds here, but this is what is right for me.
thing is, if you suffered from depression/anxiety before getting pregnant, it seems that you are more likely to suffer from postpartum issues. the issue at hand may be, are these the blues that are lasting a few days, or are they lasting weeks and seriously affecting your well-being? if the answer is the latter, you might talk with your doctor. moxie suggested calling your ob about incision trouble- why not talk with them about how you're feeling, as well? it doesn't hurt to ask and explore your resources. to answer your question, the meds are making a big difference for me!
my bff is having a similar problem with her boyfriend- he is gone virtually all day, and when he's at home, he's asleep, which leaves her responsible for baby care at all times, and then they have no time together as a couple when both are awake. i was just telling her that she needs to tell chris to switch schedules (he's got the option but says he can't wake up in the mornings- i said he needs to make sacrifices, too). she said she feels bad for asking him to do that...but i'll tell you, naked, like i told her- never be afraid to ask for what is best for your child's well being. a happy mommy helps to make a content baby.
moxiegirl
Pink, you just brought up an interesting point. Us moms tend to feel less capable when we recognize we genuinely need help- and, no matter how much we work on knowing that is bunk, it creeps back in. When I went into therapy after moxette was born (i would have eventually, she was a good catalyst), I realized my big problem was fear of disapointing anyone...i couldn't shift moxieman's "normal", b/c then he might be dissapointed that his normal shifted. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID is how I see that now. Yet, at 38+ weeks pregnant with an almost 3 year old, I feel guilty for letting moxette watch an hour of tv after school b/c I honestly can't play on the floor with her. Or not doing her bath (which I generally don't do anyway), or whatever "phone-in" parenting I'm at. Dude...listen to your own advice, eh?
pinkmartyr
Have you guys ever gone through a phase where the kid prefers one parent over the other? Emmet is much more difficult when his dad puts him to bed or takes care of him. Isaac is a good dad, he does all the right stuff, and even has more experience than me (Emmet is number 3 for him). Last night he said he'd put the baby to bed for me since I was watching a movie, and the baby fussed for about 15 minutes when i finally said, give him to me, and had him asleep almost immediately. Isaac was upset with me because he feels that I didn't let him try. We agreed that at times like this, I will stay out of it until he asks for help. I need to stop being such a gatekeeper.

Also, how are your babies in the bath? Emmet really dislikes a bath...
moxiegirl
Ah, gatekeeper syndrome- the weight of the SAHM. Its natural for you to feel like you're more apt with emmett, b/c you're home with him all the time, and have developed a shorthand style. Its awesome Issac stood up and said for you to back off a bit- that's a good dad! That being said, moxette 90% prefers moxieman to me, and always has. Some kids just have a parent preference...that doesn't mean the other parent isn't awesome and idealized, too. Now, she wants mommy mommy mommy in the middle of the night...i guess we take what we can get.
nakedmolerat
Oh my gosh pink, i am having that problem, too!!! i'm home with the baby all the time so of course i recognize his needs quicker and we have our own little system down. i have gatekeeper syndrome, too. i need to try harder to back off and let him try and learn on his own! it's so tempting to step in when i'm hearing the baby screaming, but it's not fair to nakedmoleman if he can't get a chance to learn to parent matthew. matthew seemed to prefer nakedmoleman in the beginning, but now he seems to prefer me. i hope it becomes more even, though. it's so sad for the parent feeling rejected, whether it's him or me! sad.gif
Christine Nectarine
Kiddo is 5 today! I can’t believe it! Extra exclamation points!!!!! All I keep thinking is that the “early years” are over, so if we’ve screwed up so far, it’s too late! We had to cancel her birthday party this past weekend since she and A had the flu, but she seems to be taking it all in stride. She’s so mature sometimes, I can’t take it! I sent mini cupcakes to daycare today, we’re taking her to the Old Spaghetti Factory tonight, and we’re going to try to reschedule the birthday party.

Every year a day or two before my birthday, my mother inevitably calls me to say something like “the weather was just like this _ _ years ago when I was waiting for you” and I always thought it was weird that she felt compelled to do that. But this year, for the first time I have this total feeling of awe and disbelief that my baby is growing up, and I keep telling kiddo stuff like my mother tells me. Like right now, 5 years ago I got the call from my doctor that said “well, they can induce you today if you can get to the hospital in 4 hours. Otherwise they can’t fit you in until next week.” I then started madly shoveling snow so we’d be able to get out of the driveway in time! I keep running over all the details in my head. I actually feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, it’s so weird! Ah, I do love these times when I feel so overwhelmed by my kid.

Thank you mama’s for your patience with my self-indulgent tangent! (I really must get these exclamation points under control…) this may have been more appropriate for the “not so wee ones” thread, but this seems to be the happening place…

thatgirlkelly
Hello all! It's been forever since I posted....well never really in this thread so HELLO!

Pink, I do the same thing sometimes. The good thing on our end (sort of) is that I now am back at work so Thatboy will be having two days a week alone with M. This will allow them to figure things out and come up with a system. She seems to settle with both of us, but I can anticipate much better than him having had 3 months at home with her. I have a feeling she's going to be a daddy's girl...which gets me all kinds of jealous!

QUOTE(pinkmartyr @ Jan 25 2009, 09:02 AM) *
Also, how are your babies in the bath? Emmet really dislikes a bath...


M hates bath's too! We resorted to baths twice a week with dad. He would get in the tub with her suporting her between his legs. She was still unsure and nervous but would stay focused on dad's face while I washed her. Now I can get her in the baby tub with out tears, but she's still not a big fan.

Good to "see" you all again.
pinkmartyr
kelly, so good to see you! my bf stays home with emmet on his days off, too. that has really helped things- also, i have been encouraging him to keep the baby engaged- play with him, talk to him, save emailing and stuff like that for naps. we bathe emmet just once a week. it seems like enough for right now. last night he did not cry in the tub- he still had a look on his face like he wasn't too sure about what we were doing- but, no tears, and at the end of the bath he even gleefully splashed around a little!
moxiegirl
hi all...checking in as the mom of 2 lovely girls! Still in hosp...check out the ppreggo thread for our birth story.

Moxette hated sponge baths, but seemed to be cool submerged, so we ended up doing baths reguarly (nightly) pretty early-2-3 weeks, maybe. Our new little girl has a TON of hair, so she;s already had 2 baths here in hosp...after birth and again today. She is not thrilled nakey at all, but seems to adore having her hair washed and rinsed. Seriously, she seems to be a spa baby. Its endearing.

So, yeah, the pumping thing ain;t gonna work with my life...i'm pretty lazy, and would much rather cuddle than pump. If bf didn;t cause me tremendous anxiety, i'd probably be pretty gung ho about it...again, whatever is easy and works, DO. Kira (we need a nickname for bustland) is a beautiful baby- very allert when awake and kind of spastic when sleeping...my sister asked me if that;s whatg she was like in womb, and it totally is what i imagined. Peaceful slumber then ARMS and LEGS then back slumbering. Cuteie pie kiddo. she's lying here with me before the ight nursury time.
Christine Nectarine
congrats Moxie and fam! i checked out your pictures from the pregnancy thread - you all look pretty happy! it's great to hear that you had a pretty good birth experience. when do you get to bring the little one home?
moxiegirl
We got home on Friday last. The weekend was a little rough with both girls home and me totally laid up, but I am much more able to rest well with moxette at school. The baby seems to be a pretty laid back kid so far- we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks as she wakes up a bit.
thatgirlkelly
Moxie, glad things are going well. Is Mr. Moxie at home or do you have any help while you are recouping from the C?

Not at all in the same vein, but I baby sat for my Mother-in-law last night, so I got to play mommy to two. M at 3+months and E at 11months. It wasn't too bad. E is really testing boundaries right now. You ask/tell her not to do something and she wants to do it. It's pretty interesting to watch.

While changing her diaper last night, she wanted to touch the dirty....I explained why she couldn't but she kept after it. Finally it was a stern no. She would sit there, think about it, look at me and slowly reach a finger out to touch it to see what would happen. Sigh. Im glad things slowly ramp up to this level. I wonder how I will handle this boundary testing with M.

What do you ladies do?

moxiegirl
let them win sometimes and stay calm but firm with all other rules. be serious about time outs. dole lots of praise when deserved,
nakedmolerat
Congrats, Moxie!!! How are you holding up? The pictures are adorable!!! She is so beautiful!!! Awww You make pretty babies smile.gif
anoushh
Hi mamas! Just a drive by to say a few things.

Mox--congratulations on healthy baby and mama. To belatedly answer your question, yes a good lactation consultant should definitely be a help if you wanted to pump and feed. I can totally see why you decided not to, though. There's just not enough time in the day when they are tiny.

Ergo carriers--I kept hearing they were the best, but I put off getting one b/c they were expensive. IN the meantime I spent a total of at least the price of one Ergo trying to find something comfortable. Finally just bought an ergo--totally worth it and good resale value later.

I took prozac throughout my pregnancy (changed from Effexor before) and planned on taking it still when I breastfed. (I didn't breastfeed after all, but that's irrelevant to my point.) I was in the UK at the time I got pregnant, and they don't have zoloft there, so it wasn't an option. If you can stop it during pregnancy and breastfeeding, that's the thing to do, but if you have a significant history of any kind of depression and the meds help, then definitely take the meds. A depressed mama is VERY, VERY bad for baby and for mama too!

Moxie is spot on about time outs and praise.

Notbob hated baths as a tiny one too. Can't recall when that changed. He turned two back in October!

Lastly, co-sleeping.

Beck, I think there is a lot of needless hysteria about co sleeping. Keep the comforter away from baby's face, don't sleep on a waterbed or a sofa, make sure she doesn't get stuck in between the wall and the bed (duh) and don't co sleep when you've had any amount of alcohol, tobacco, or any meds that make you sleepy. I think it's fine. Notbob is two and we cosleep. My life would have been infinitely easier if we'd done that all along.
beck
hey anoushh! good to see you! i have relaxed a lot and yes, it's working great and got me from exhausted wreck on 2 hours sleep (she was in moses basket next to bed but became progressively harder to resettle after feeds) to lovely night's sleep and cuddles all round. best parenting decision we made. i often remember what you posted about meeting their needs now, worry about it later, so thanks for that.

i got a babyhawk in the end but more for bf - i have mastered a back carry with my wrap and its great! it's nice to share the carrying with bf though. the ergo slipped off our shoulders (and v unflattering on my leftover pg fat - how vain am i?)


moxiegirl
A wise bustie once said "whatever gets the most people in your house the most sleep- DO." So, huzzah! for co-sleeping becks! We're about 1/2 and 1/2 with little kiki...she seems pretty content either way so far. So, whatever we find easiest in the moment we're doing...bassinette or bed. bed generally happens when we fall asleep burping.

So, I have both girls all week next week home with me. I'm anxious about it. gratefully, I have sisters, mom and friends helping out...I can't even drive yet. SO, if I show up here a hot mess, that's why.
beck
try not to be the host, if you see what i mean, let your guests fend for themselves. you need to recover too. by the way, i totally get your decision not to pump and to concentrate on cuddles! you can substitute for breast milk but not for the cuddles!
pinkmartyr
my friend just gave birth on friday. the baby was 3 weeks premature, and weighed 7lbs 4 oz. he's got jaundice and has to be admitted to the children's hospital for light therapy. anybody have experience in this?
beck
hi, same happened to us - 3 weeks early and jaundiced. we spent the best part of the first week in hospital for light therapy. the way it works here is they have a regular cot with a UV blanket in the base, the baby lies on that wearing just a diaper, and is zipped into it. i was admitted with my baby so we could stay together - we were in a room together. i could only take her out for feeding (and changing!), which had to be done every 3 hours to keep her fluids high enough and help flush out the jaundice. Hydration and UV are both very important. If your friend is breastfeeding they may ask her to pump for top-up feeds. hope this helps
pinkmartyr
thanks for the info, beck!

they were discharged 48 hours after birth. at the pediatrician's appointment the next day, they were sent to a childrens hospital for light treatments. it was just like you described it. his mama was with him, breastfeeding and pumping. they spent the night, and were discharged late the following night. i think they are both fine now, and she says that the baby was not irritated or upset by the light treatments at all.

emmet had 4 month vaccines on monday. he's had some fever and some crankiness. the cough and snotty nose he just got rid of 2 weeks ago have just mysteriously reappeared. he's waking up a lot at night and hard to put down to sleep. i think he's on the mend, but i'm just frustrated for him!
anoushh
QUOTE(beck @ Feb 16 2009, 10:50 AM) *
you can substitute for breast milk but not for the cuddles!


That's what I kept reminding myself of when I had the breast feeding debacle. It's very good advice.

And Moxie, you are so right about whatever gets the most people the most sleep! (Was that farmgirl? It was wise, indeed!)
nakedmolerat
Hey everyone, how are you all doing? So I'm having this new mommy problem. Our apartment is tiny, and we could use some extra cash, so I posted the baby's old outfits for sale on craigslist. They are in great condition and I have TONS of them. I have also had TONS of interested people asking to buy them. So what's my problem? I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of his adorable little clothes, especially his newborn ones. I've never been a materialistic person, and oddly the thought of giving up his clothes is making me want to cry. I am ashamed to admit that I have given people the run-around (changing prices, putting off days when they can check them out), because I am so torn. I feel like a psychopath! This one girl and I exchanged like 8 messages about her buying the clothes until she just gave up on me. And I was glad! lol I want extra space and cash, but they are so godamn sentimental to me. Any of you have any issues with getting rid of baby clothes/items? I never saw this side of me before. It's like I'm still nesting. Even though I never want another baby. Or maybe a part of me kind of does? I don't know what the hell.
moxiegirl
naked- here's what I did when we were cleaning out the nursury to make way for #2... I specifically picked out the outfit M came home in, her 1st and 2nd birthday dresses, and a couple of very special items (the one her grandma made her, etc.). then, I sorted the rest by "Yes, will use" and "Nope" and was very strict with myself. When i came across something oddly sentimental, I asked moxieman about it and let him decide. It is odd the things that seem more important after the baby is born. For me, this time around, its insisting that the 2nd one have as many pictures as the first...even though we REALLY don't need 10 of her sleeping in the same place over a course of 5 minutes....all taken b/c 1 of the 10 is really precious and the rest are digital...but we can't NOT print them all, right? smile.gif

So, the baby is almost 1 month old...actually, since she's a feb baby, she IS 1 month old tomorrow. i can't believe it. She's growing fast, eating great, and we're starting to get her to sleep in her crib. We aren't really comfortable with the family bed when they're this little, but she has been snoozing on the sofa with us, so this is an adjustment for her. If she's really OUt, swaddled, and well fed, she'll sleep in her baby chair, so we're putting that in the crib for now. First couple nights were a mixed bag. Just when we think we have them figured out...

Alternatly, though, M's attitude has improved dramatically this week. I think she's adjusted more or less to the baby's prescence, and we've gotten better at telling her she has to wait if we're a little occupied. That, and moving into a new preschool room with many more kids her own age (instead of being the oldest by a mile), and she seems more balanced all of a sudden.

For the first time since the baby came home, my ever-present sense of panic about parenting 2 children has faded a bit. Now...what will happen with moxieman's upcomming work travel? tBC...

Oh...we also posted some new pictures and videos on our flickr site. Here is the link:

OUr photos
Christine Nectarine
Nakedmolerat, I had/have the same problem, but I don’t know if I can really help. Kiddo is 5 now, and just the other day I decided to sort through her drawers to remove a bunch of clothes that don’t fit anymore. Unless they were worn out, irreparably stained, or they were a gift that I thought was ugly in the first place, I just couldn’t get rid of them! I have storage bins in kiddo’s closet, at my parents, and A’s parents full of baby and toddler clothes. When we moved, I tried to be ruthless in purging some of them, but I failed. I am only now feeling justified as we are expecting 2 baby cousins for kiddo this year, and I’m hoping to pass things on. I was able to give a few things to a cousin a couple years ago, but I’m hoping one of the new babies will be a girl so I can give more. The fact that she actually fits clothes long enough to wear them out now does help a bit!

Speaking of new babies in the family, since many of you are recent new moms, I’m looking for input on shower gifts. When I had kiddo I was barely 20 and totally clueless, so I didn’t really know what I wanted. Plus, although it was only 5 years ago, it was pre-media baby obsession and it seems like there are ever increasing hordes of cool baby stuff out there. What were the best and most useful gifts you received or baby items you have? Any stellar ideas out there?

p.s. moxie, love the pics! good luck when moxieman is away, i know you can do it!
beck
mox, you sound like an absolutely awesome parent to moxette, and you will be awesome parenting 2 children as well. it's great to hear that moxette is adjusting to the new arrival. the photos are so cute!

naked, we have a very small place - our solution was vacuum bags to make them as small as possible, and lending stuff to pregnant friends. i would like another one eventually so will keep all the stuff i like for no2 once it has done the rounds of our friends (i don't much care for pink so most of our stuff would be fine for a boy or girl). the not so nice stuff i gave away on freecycle. i would definitely keep at least a couple of outfits, it will be great to show him when he is bigger!

christine, not sure of the price range you are after but my current fave baby thing is my babyhawk mei tai - they come in lovely designs and you can customise them too. or a stretchy wrap like a moby would be a wonderful present for a newborn. i am obsessed with slings though... smile.gif

Babyhawk

or for less pricey gifts, babylegs are really cool. another thing i love is my thirsties wipes, useful for all kinds of messes! oh, and i received a lovely hungry caterpillar baby record book here.
Christine Nectarine
Thanks beck, baby carriers were defiantly on the consideration list, so it’s great to have recommendations! Keep ‘em coming!

On a totally different subject, I could use any input from other parents (cross posted in kvetch-up thread)

My bestfriends dad died on wednesday night and I could use some feedback on this dilemma. I asked A if he will come with me to the funeral (it’s a good 4 hour drive to get there) and he said wouldn’t he need to stay home with kiddo. I had just assumed I would be bringing her with me, but he’s not so sure it’s a good idea.

she has been to a funeral before, almost 2 years ago when my Oma died. she saw the open casket and everything, and was pretty understanding about it all, amazing for a kid who was 3 at the time. It was within a few weeks of that that one of her grandparents dogs died, which she was really upset about. after all of that, she did develop sort of a weird obsession with death for a while – she had a lot of questions, and talked about death a lot. she would matter of factly state at dinner time “mommy and daddy, I don’t want you to ever die”. she even informed us that her imaginary sister, whom she had been playing with for months, had got sick and died. she was soon replaced with 2 new imaginary sisters. to me, this was just her way of processing everything that had happened, and I figured it was better for her to become familiar with that at a young age, as opposed to when she was older and it would be more of a shock to her. A was always pretty uncomfortable about it. his mother was pretty clear when my Oma died that she thought it was really inappropriate for me to bring kiddo to the funeral.

bestfriends family are an especially kid-loving family, and I’m pretty certain there will be other kids there from their church and extended family. they are trying to take a really positive view of the end of his suffering, and i think they would be happy to have a smiling 5 year old around.

am I wrong? is this too much to expect kiddo to deal with? am I being selfish and using her for my own comfort? any thoughts/input from wise bustie mama's would be appreciated.
moxiegirl
Christine- first, the gift...this sounds totally not cute, but bath stuff and diapers in various sizes ?(ile nb-2). i generally find a great bag and fill it with this kind of stuff...diaper bag essentials from an experienced mom.


second- i'd say take her. a bff is like family, and i think kids should attend family funerals, but that's how we were raised, too.
pinkmartyr
hi everyone. we have thrush. i saw a lactation consultant this week, and emmet is on nystatin. the thrush developed from him biting me last week, which created nipple damage. we are both being treated and things are improving. i had a great visit with the lactation consultant- we discovered that my pump flanges were too small, leading to more nipple stress. i got new flanges and some great advice.

when we were at the pediatrician getting the nystatin rx, we got on the topic of sleep. emmet's doctor is apparently gung ho about the ferber method. i just don't know. part of why i feel he's such a happy boy is because he knows that mommy and daddy come when he needs them. we do rock him til he's sleepy but not asleep then lay him down, but if he cries, we'll go back and rock a few more minutes.

experienced moms, what is your two cents?
Christine Nectarine
i think we've decided to take her. although she knows bestfriend very well, she didn't really know bestfriends dad, so i don't think she will be too distressed. and i don't mind fielding the questions that A is not comfortable answering.

pinkmartyr, i had to look up what the ferber method was, but it sounds a lot like what i did with kiddo starting around 6 months. she had been in the crib for 3 months at that point, and we had a regular bedtime routine going, but she was no longer falling asleep when i nursed her, so i would put her down when i finished anyway. she would cry, but unless i heard something unusual, i wouldn't go in the room. i think what you've got to decide is how comfortable you are listening to Emmett cry. they can learn quickly when you do things like this, but it can be painful for the weeks it takes to learn, and you have to be consistent. if you think you can handle it, sooner is better in my opinion.
moxiegirl
pink- I think the strict Ferber is like any other parenting tome...take what works from it and leave the rest at the door. We were adamant about bedtime routine, sleeping in crib and working off night feedings. The biggest plus of the Ferber method is teaching the baby self reliance. BUT, we weren't comfortable with 20 minute cry fests unless absolutly everything wasn't working and the crying was the tool to get her to exhaust herself to sleep. Babies do learn how to manipulate (as opposed to crying b/c of a genuine need), which is a big issue I see with strict "attachment" parenting, but it sounds a whole lot like you're doing what feels right for you and emmett. For us, the real manipulation started around 6-7 months, when we figured out that there was a whole seperate cry for "Mom, i'm fucking with you." THOSE crys, we let her work out on her own. About 2 years ago, there were loads of 4am "My kid is at it again" bust posts! We also took Dr, Brazelton's advice (my guru) to give the baby a comfort object and make sure he/she learns to rely on it...in our case, it started with blankets and ended up with a large pink bunny that accompanies my 3yr old everywhere.

we're just now starting to work with the little one on sleeping solo. It works sometimes, and sometimes not. At 1 month, we aren't prepared to let her cry yet...she's not at all capable of self soothing. Routine, though, is gonna have to be worked out soon.
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